Dear Princess Bitchiness:
I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up, as dickish as they may have been. However, I can assure you that, regardless of what Discord will tell you, drinking spoiled milk laced with LSD will not give you an accurate idea of what Equestria went through when I first became Nightmare Moon.
I can assure you that you are not the first princess to have become sick of my sister’s shit, and I can promise you that you will not be the last. From the moment she was born, my dear sister’s sole goal in life was to make everypony else’s life a living Tartarus. In the bleak days before I fell from grace, my poor little ponies had to live with her constant trolling, as well as her constant demands for cake and bananas. Anypony who displeased her in any way was banished to the moon, or locked in a dungeon, or banished to the moon and locked in a moon dungeon.
As you can imagine, I sought to change that. I gathered a loyal group of followers who agreed that the tyrant needed to die. Unfortunately, our coup ended in failure; all those who followed me were killed, and I, of course, was banished to the moon. For the next ten centuries, I was left to think about how the many ponies who followed me had died in vain, how all our efforts had failed to put an end to my sister’s tyrannical reign, and how it was my leadership that led all those innocent ponies to their deaths.
These were very unpleasant thought. I was wracked by guilt; the blood of countless innocent ponies was on my hooves, and nothing I could do would change this. The only saving grace was that the many foals I’d rescued were still safe. Even then, I didn’t know if they would manage to survive on their own, and perhaps I never will.
Still, perhaps they did survive. Perhaps their descendants are still out there. While it is very delicate, there is still a fragile flicker of hope.
Even so, I had been the cause of terrible suffering, and once I returned, I vowed never to let it happen again. That is why I created the Tantabus; to remind me of what happens when you try to overthrow the Almighty Princess Celestia.
Remember this, Princess Twilight, for if you ever attempt to defy my sister, she will do terrible things to you.
Your concerned fellow monarch, Princess Luna.
P.S.: Those colors on your Super-Manes are unbelievably ugly. When I first saw them I was certain that the Tantabus was feeling extra-cruel.
Dear Big Macintosh:
I’m sorry, but we are not currently accepting applications for royalty.
With that being said, I’m sure you could find a great new job in my bedroom.
Sincerely, Princess Celestia.
Dear Ponyville:
All hail me! For I am great and mighty!
Sincerely, Bright Eyes Ditzy Derpy Muffins
P.S.: CURSE YOU HASBROOOOO!!!
Dear Princess Luna:
Did you check your totems? For all we know, you might not have woken up from such an exhausting dream adventure.
Sincerely, Dom Cobb