Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man


Discord? What ABOUT Discord?

Granny Smith,

Look, I understand Discord rustled Appleslack and the rest of you with his highly offensive comment to your lineage making reference to the fact that so many of your family members are inbred hybrids. I’m not going to say he didn’t mean it--the last time I spoke for somepony, they used that as validation for making a pair of wax wings. He was quite the crazy little stallion… was.

But no, I can’t give you advice on getting back at Discord for that comment. If I engaged in a revenge plot against an admittedly deserving draconequus, I get the feeling it would start a prank war initially fun to participate in at the beginning, but would escalate into some dystopian one-upping jokester society where laughs become common currency. I cannot have that on my plate for a variety of sane reasons, so I hope you respect my official decision to not assist you in this manner.

Unofficially speaking, I can say that you could potentially read the back of this letter, which may contain directions to an unspecified house in a chaotic land located neither here nor there, but certainly appears somewhere. And theoretically upon finding this house, which is generously calling what’s better described as a shanty shack with more hidden filth than Goldie’s house, one such as yourself possibly inclined toward sweet revenge may see fit to raise a new house upon the shoddy foundation and give the unsuspecting homeowner a most intriguing surprise.

Hypothetically, after hearing of such an extreme home makeover, I would be inclined to reassess the property taxes on such a locale, enough so that I might finally receive a legitimate payment not paid for in wooden, chocolate, and/or chocolate-dipped wooden coins. And while I cannot use said tax money as part of any reward for such a noble act, it would potentially curry favor for a future endeavor of which you will receive an invitation for at a later date. Maybe.

Of course, this entire situation is pure speculation, and is by no means an intended roadmap for you to follow. Diverting from the path is also possible at any point toward wherever you could go with it, but that is entirely your decision.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your kin, Granny Smith, and I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

Friends Forever,

Celestia

Ah, Sunny. How are you?

Fine, and yes, I did enjoy the wedding. The cake’s… erm, relatives were most enjoyable to be around. I’ve never had a more intriguing conversation with that oatmeal raisin cookie in my lifetime.

What do you mean you didn’t invite any cookies? Then who was I--

...unbelievable. I spoke with a completely sweet stranger, didn’t I? Fantastic, now I look like the lunatic.