//------------------------------//
// Ch 10: The Return of Entropy 
// Story: Equestria's Mark 
// by MasterZadok 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 10
The Return of Entropy

	
“What do you think, Mark?”
My wayward mind snapped back to the present so quickly that it knocked my head against the back of my train seat. Startled, and now hurting, I turned to look at the three pairs of eyes staring up at me. My classmates, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were waiting for my answer, but I had completely missed the question.
“I don’t know. 42 perhaps? What were we talking about?”
“Aw, come on!” Scootaloo rolled her eyes.
“I told you he wasn’t listening.” Sweetie Belle whispered.
“Our cutiemarks!” an exasperated Apple Bloom explained. “Do you think we’ll get them on this here field trip?”
“Not likely.” Is what I said, but I knew for certain that even season 4 would come and go before they got their little butt-badges. Personally, I doubted the writers would ever brand the CMC. Partly because anything they put on their flanks would destroy thousands of wonderful headcannons, but also because then there’d be no Cutie Mark Crusaders. What would they do after that? Yet, I couldn’t stand the looks of disappointment that I had elicited from my little friends, so I quickly added,
“But think about it. Do you really want a destiny in looking at old statues? What would that even look like?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I think it would be kind of fitting, don’t you, Silver Spoon?”
“Yeah! Since they almost became old statues themselves!” I looked up to find the source of the nasal-y taunting. Two more fillies, a pink one with a little tiara on her silky mane and a grey one with horned glasses propped themselves over the back of the seat in front of me. For a moment, they looked like Frenchmen peering over a castle wall in a Monty Python movie.
“Silver Spoon! That was my line!” The pink one, Diamond Tiara, shoved her sidekick. The Cutie Mark Crusaders and I looked at the unwanted company and groaned as if Excalibur from Soul Eater had come to town.
“Hey, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon. Bored of this train already?” I said stiffly.
“What do you two want?” Scootaloo snapped.
“Well, this is an art field trip,” Diamond Tiara sneered, “and you girls were talking about your cutiemarks, so I drew you some art to put on your blank flank. It goes perfect with your eyes, Scootaloo.”
The pink filly dropped a piece of paper onto the car’s floor. On its surface was a much-exaggerated and scribble-laden representation of a cockatrice head, complete with fangs, worms in its ears and giant bloodshot eyes. The two bullies chittered with laughter while the CMC girls tucked their tails between their legs. Nopony knew how it happened, but news had somehow gotten out about the three filly’s run-in with the monster and it had clung to them like a bad stink.
“That’s a terrible drawing!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “That’s not art!” I looked from the doodle to the crestfallen fillies and back.
“Oh, I don’t know, Sweetie Belle…” I swept the piece of paper up and scrutinized it. “Art, like all things, is simply a matter of… perspective.”
I held the picture up, squinted at it, turned it towards the light, and then leaned next to the little white unicorn. With the paper at arms’ length, it perfectly eclipsed Diamond Tiara’s head, transforming her into a gaping little chimera.
“Now that, my dear, is art.” What had been a downtrodden and embarrassed little filly only a moment before immediately squealed with high-pitched hilarity. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo quickly crowded in to see what Sweetie Belle found so compelling, only to erupt with laughter of their own. On the other side of the doodle, Diamond Tiara’s face turned beet red.
“Knock it off! I’ll call teacher!” She commanded.
“So she can critique your art too? I think the worm running from one ear to the other will leave quite the impression.” Before the pink filly could respond, I looked back at the CMCs. “You’d all better get back to your seats. The train will be stopping in just a minute.”
“Ok!”
“Right!”
“Thanks, Mark!”
I sighed contentedly as the group dispersed, taking their seats as our car climbed up the last tracks to Canterlot. The distraction had been just what I needed, but now that it had ended, I was back to staring out my window. My ghostly reflection in the glass looked troubled.
That train ride was actually the culmination of a number of smaller adventures leading up to that day, starting way back when I told Twilight Sparkle that I wanted to learn magic. She, of course, had been nothing if not enthralled with the idea of taking on a student, but within mere moments it became obvious that I’d need to do a lot of reading. Quite an obstacle for someone who couldn’t read Equestrian.
Our solution? Get some help from a pony who knew a thing or two about teaching ponies their letters. And that is how I became Cheerilee’s oldest student. Was it hard? Not really. I’d just sit in on the last couple hours of class after I’d finished my chores on Sweet Apple Acres. Was it complicated? Not really. The pony alphabet was phonetic, so if you don’t count the occasional odd pronunciation rule, one could learn how to read in a week. Was it awkward sitting at the back of the class like a gorilla in a room full of kittens? Absolutely. And Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon made every effort to remind me how much I stuck out like a sore shoenail (thumb).
On the plus side, that just meant that I was practically an honorable member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. And no, I did not have to bare my blank backside to become a member.
So, slowly, but surely, Twilight Sparkle and I were working through an introductory course to magic. Things were going well. Very well, in fact. That is, until Cheerilee’s curriculum took on a more history-oriented course, with a special focus on renaissance-esque art and architecture. It was all very innocent until the day I realized what episode this was. Everything became clear the day Cheerilee announced the field trip to see the legendary Canterlot statue garden. She even let me come along.
“Discord…” I whispered into the window. My fingers fidgeted nervously and I realized they were moist.
I had mixed feelings about that day, about that episode, and about my role in it. I couldn’t deny that I was excited. Discord was one of my all-time favorite characters, let alone an excellent and intelligent villain. With his zany chaos, swollen confidence, trickster skills, and a magnificent voice actor to boot, the draconequus had once again proven what an amazing show this was! John De Lancie’s chuckle alone was enough to propel Discord up to an ‘8’ on my villain ranking system.
However, nagging thoughts had begun to tug at the corners of my mind. Shadows that I had banished to obscurity, but would no longer be ignored. If this last season had driven one axiom into my head, it was the fact that I was actually in Equestria. And the real Equestria didn’t have a little box in the corner of my vision saying ‘TV-Y’. A vengeful god of chaos running amok might not be all chocolate rain and soapy streets; I needed to know if this world’s Discord was different from the one I knew, and what he would and could do to the ponies that bound him thousands of years ago.
I was powerless to do anything, however. Not until I got to Canterlot, anyways. I took a deep breath to steady myself and glanced down at my lap. One of my magic text books lay there, but it was still open to the page I had started on. For the fifth time since getting on the train, I tried to focus,

	 … To simplify these observations, the alchemists proposed that magic consists of four basic states of being, or laws, represented by Stone, Water, Air and Fire. These pillars of philosophy came to be known as the affinities, or pillars of alchemy.
Stone is the element of order, foundations, and the unchanging. It’s enduring and ageless properties are an excellent symbol of stability and the unyielding.
Water is the element of life, healing, and moving force. Many restorative spells attribute their origin to this philosophy.
Wind is a symbol of the evanescent, the unchainable and vivality. Likened to a breeze, this pillar contributes greatly to the study of the aura and the aether.
Lastly, Fire is represented by the philosophy of change, power, voracity and death. The most destructive of the elements, it is vital in reducing compounds and devouring chaff, but it’s chaotic nature…

“Chaotic nature…” I echoed. “Embodiment of chaos? An embodiment of fire?...” That was a troubling thought. I vaguely recalled someone on an internet thread mention that Discord’s stained glass window in the palace portrayed him dangling ponies above a sea of flames, but it was unclear whether this was a literal or artistic representation of his reign before being sealed. Vague parallels weren’t enough. I needed to know more.
Once again, I considered thwarting the episode, warning the sisters and the M6 about Discord’s plans before he can enact them, but I reluctantly silenced that thought. As much as I hated to toy with destiny, this episode needed to happen. It was the girls’ first time using the Elements of Harmony on demand. It was vital in sculpting Twilight from a student into a guardian. And, without this episode, Discord would never grow to have friends of his own. (Oh, yeah, that would also mean that the girls wouldn’t find the last key in Season 4) All I could do was wait patiently and try to keep from vomiting up the butterflies in my stomach.
“Now arriving! Canterlot! Please check your seats for your belongings and let attendants know if you require assistance recovering your luggage!” A grey-blue earth pony announced. The noise level in the train car rose to a riot as Cheerilee’s students excitedly pressed their muzzles against the windows to catch a glimpse at Canterlot. I swallowed a large lungful of air to steady myself and slapped my book shut.
“Showtime…” I sighed.
The world-famous Canterlot sculpture garden looked a lot different in the brisk sunlight then it had during the Grand Galloping Gala. Walls of towering hedges with nary a leaf out of place bordered flawless lawns and immaculate walkways. As a former landscaper, I was impressed. Every line was perfect, as if our tour was scuttling across a gargantuan game board instead of a garden. Even the scattered statues that dotted the lawns looked as if a pair of titans had positioned them via a chess match, but had quit halfway through their game with no intention of returning. Father time himself appeared to have forgotten this little corner of the world.
“That one over there represents ‘friendship’.” Cheerilee led our little herd, naming each statue as we passed. She indicated a tall piece of art depicting three prancing fillies, all smiling and all in balance with the others. I might have been more impressed with the craftsmanship if I wasn’t so convinced that all these pieces were the product of unicorn magic. (Surprise side-note: most of them had been commissioned through earth pony sculptors.)
“This one represents ‘victory’.” The teacher pointed at a noble depiction of a rearing figure, clutching a banner in its hoof and surrounded by frozen shooting stars.
“How cool would it be to have that as a cutiemark?” Scootaloo piped up.
“Cool.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes like a hamster wheel. “If you were actually victoryful at somethin’.” The topic of cutiemarks was still touchy for those fillies. Apparently, they were still a little deflated from how quickly I shot down their cutiemark hopes back on the train.
“That’s not a word!” Sweetie Belle snapped.
“What are you, a dictionary?” Scootaloo nipped back.
“Oh boy…” I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Girls!” Cheerilee collected her student’s wayward attention the way Scrooge McDuck collected coins. She stood before a new statue, not posed and iconic like all the others, but twisted and unbalanced. Over twenty feet tall, it had a goat-like head, a body reminiscent of a ferret or a Chinese dragon, and short limbs hailing from at least three different animal kingdoms. “Now, this is a really interesting statue. What do you notice about it?”
“He’s smiling…” I whispered under my breath. Discord had been petrified with his chest puffed out and a grin on his face as if posing for a picture. Even as the sisters confronted him thousands of years ago, wielding the Elements of Harmony between them, he faced his stony fate with a sneer. I was probably the only other soul who knew about his plunderseed contingency plan, but that was the kind of villain Discord was. Always one step ahead.
So caught up in my own thoughts was I, that I missed the girls pointing out the more obvious traits,
“It’s got an eagle claw!” Apple Bloom shouted.
“And a lion paw!” Scootaloo added.
“And a snake tail!” Sweetie Belle flapped her forelegs excitedly.
“This creature is called a draconequus.” Cheerilee explained. “He has the head of a pony and a body made up of all sorts of things. What do you suppose that represents?”
“Confusion!” The yellow one ventured.
“Evil!” The white one decided.
“Chaos!” The orange one was technically the closest.
“It’s not chaos, you dodo!” The dictionary snapped at her avian friend.
“Don’t call me things I don’t know the meaning of! And it is too chaos!”
“Is not!”
“You’re both wrong!” Instead of a referee, AB’s interference only fueled the argument. The class looked on while the three friends descended into a brawl of bickering and biting. In all friendships, a little rain must fall, but those three looked as if someone had tricked them into playing Mario Party.
“The word ‘Strife’ comes to mind.” I shrugged while Cheerilee stepped forward to put an end to the argument. Just as my shoulders reached their peak, I felt something… odd. I would use a more accurate word if there was one, but my mortal thesaurus fails me. It was like burying oneself in snow, but without the cold. It was like jumping off a high dive, but without the vertigo. It was as if I knew I was being watched, but without the paranoia. I didn’t have to flex my imagination to know what the source of the sensation was. Had that fissure always been on Discord’s statue?
“Actually, in a way, you’re all right.” The teacher grinned. “This statue represents ‘discord’, which means a lack of harmony between ponies.” Her eyes narrowed at the three fillies, “In fact, you three have demonstrated discord so well that you’re each going to write me an essay explaining it.”
The other students chittered with laughter. Cheerilee looked down at the girls for a moment longer before turning on her hoof.
“Now let’s go, and I don’t want any more fighting.” With that, and the continued muttering of the Crusaders, our group continued our migration along the path. I hung back, pretending to scribble down some notes as I stood in front of the petrified embodiment of chaos. As far as I could tell, Cheerilee’s snippet of explanation was all the information available for the statue called ‘discord’. There was no signpost in the grass, not even a plaque on the pedestal the draconequus stood on. (And how did they get Discord up on a pedestal, anyways?) Despite being the most outlandish statue in the garden, he seemed remarkably inconspicuous. Celestia’s ultimate victory over the would-be tyrant.
“Mark? Hurry up!” Sweetie Belle called back. I waved at her reassuringly,
“Be right there!” I shouted, but I couldn’t resist whispering at the statue, “I’m a big fan! See ya later!”
As I left Discord behind, however, something tickled the back of my conscious. There was no sound in the air, no noise to tickle my ear drums, but I could swear I heard laughter. A chilling, confident chuckle that crept in on the edge of sanity. A solid ‘8.5’.
It didn’t take long after that. I followed Cheerilee abstractedly, like a duckling, but my mind was elsewhere. I could feel something closing in on our group, like the sensation of being hunted. Like when your opponent in ‘Halo’ gets the active camo. I think the other fillies felt it as well. Nervous glances were thrown about like holy water at an exorcism and the conversations fell silent.
“Ugh! You’d at least think a palace could afford to keep its walkways maintained.” Diamond Tiara grunted. “If this ‘tour’ doesn’t end soon, I just know I’ll end up cracking a hoof.”
“What are you talking about?” I furrowed my brow. “The garden is perfe-…” The word died halfway out of my mouth as I looked down. Only moments before, our dirt and clay path had been as smooth and flawless as an actress in a facewash commercial. Now, however, great cracks were throwing spidery veins through its surface and weeds had manifested in the lawns. I spun around to look behind me and realized that the once-straight hedges looked like something Tim Burton had drawn and most of the beautiful trees were split in half. My mouth opened, but before I could say anything to Cheerilee, there was a flash of gold and a flurry of feathers in front of us.
“Ma’am! I’m sorry, but we need to you take your class inside.” A royal guard brought the tour to a sudden halt. Our teacher paused in the middle of her narrative on marble quarries.
“What’s wrong? Is everything all right?” She asked, her green eyes filled with surprise.
“Please, miss, get them to the palace.” The guard’s face didn’t betray any emotion, but his wings remained splayed open. Without another word, the pegasus stallion launched himself into the air. Cheerilee wasted no time,
“Come on, everypony. Follow me.” Her own voice had taken on the guard’s tone, commanding and unquestionable. And just a little worried.
“What’s goin’ on?” Apple Bloom whispered up to me.
“Whatever it is, we’re going to find out pretty quick.” It was a non-answer, but it’s not like I could confess that I knew exactly what was happening. A menace from a bygone age had manifested and he was motivated to maintain his maniacal machinations. Yet, in my opinion, Discord’s ‘grand entrance’ had been a little underwhelming. I had been looking forward to the sky turning pink and long-legged rabbits and some thunderous, booming, genteel laughter echoing throughout Equestria, but things had been strangely subtle. Sure, everything was falling into disrepair, but it wasn’t really dramatic. Not like the Discord I knew. Then I looked back towards Ponyville and a,
“Hoover Damn…” slipped from my lips.
From where I stood on the steps leading up into the palace, I could look back over the statue gardens and into the valley beneath Canterlot. There, hovering like the Traveler from 'Destiny', was a knot of bright pink storm clouds, blossoming over Ponyville. Wispy threads of rosy sugar collected into a semi-transparent island of candy, casting thick shadows on the land while veils of a dark rain soaked the ground beneath. The cotton candy storm and its ensuing chocolate milk rain looked like a massive jellyfish with countless tentacles reaching down into the little town. Bright purple lightning bolts illuminated the storm from within and as the thunder reached my ears, I thought it sounded like car horns.
Inside, the palace was buzzing like a hive of smoked-out bees. Quiet, but tense. There were a number of castle servants, a couple tour groups and even a handful of visiting delegates gathered in the main hall. Muted whispers passed between ponies like an autumn wind as each pony tried to divine what was happening. A couple guards stood along the walls, assuring the assembly that Princess Celestia would be along to explain everything shortly.
“Excuse me.” I muttered a half-apology to Cheerilee as I detached myself from the rest of the group. I quickly alighted a flight of stairs and found a large observation deck with tall clear windows. From there, I could watch as the chaotic storm slowly swelled until it threatened to blot out the valley. The threads of candy floss floated on the wind like spider webs or cheap Halloween decorations, but they remained mostly focused over Ponyville. Canterlot itself was completely untouched. I don’t remember how long I stood there, trying to surmise Discord’s strategy, but eventually something else caught my attention.
“Mark.” A stern voice whispered. I glanced sideways to see Princess Luna motioning to me from the shelter of an adjacent hallway. I shot one last look behind me to the room full of ponies, but the princess appeared to be intentionally avoiding them.
“Princess Luna.” I smiled politely as I joined her. “It’s good to see you again.”
“We are pleased to encounter you as well, though we regret the circumstances we meet under.” She led us away from the main hall. “Will you not tell us what play of fate has brought you to Canterlot? Of all days, your visit has placed you in a most… remarkable event.”
Judging by the way her gaze flickered towards the window, it was obvious that she was using the word ‘remarkable’ to mean ‘unfortunate’. And, by ‘unfortunate’, she meant ‘regrettable’. And by ‘regrettable’, it was clear she meant ‘poopy’.
“Actually, I was taking a tour of Canterlot’s sculpture garden earlier today.” I grinned shrewdly. Luna lifted her eyebrows in amusement.
“It seems to be a day of irony, then. How close though must have been to the root of all this... Art thou aware as to what has happened?”
“They haven’t said anything officially,” I glanced behind me, “but I know for a fact that you’ve got one less statue in your collection.” A look of surprise splashed over the princess’s countenance and I nodded knowingly. She set her mouth in a firm line and explained,
“Indeed, as we speak, my sister goes forth to comfort and encourage our subjects with some carefully chosen words; a skill I note she has grown quite proficient in. Yet, they will not appreciate the full weight of the situation. You should know, the entity known as Discord has escaped from the power that once bound him and he is actively working to unravel what has been so carefully nurtured. No doubt, thou hast already seen the effects of his strange magic upon the land?”
“Not unlike Kishin Asura’s return. Or, more accurately, someone’s playing ‘Candyland’ with a Jumanji board.” Of course, I didn’t expect Luna to get these references, but I suddenly realized that if I wanted to know what kind of villain we were up against, I couldn’t have asked for a better interviewee. I subtly pressed, “Princess, is it true that you fought Discord once before?” She took a stiff breath before answering,
“If it could be properly called a battle, then yes.”
“What can you tell me about our foe?” I asked. Princess Luna hesitated in front of a pair of heavy doors. Her eyes shot through me like armor-piercing rounds.
“Why are you asking?” Her voice had lost some formality and a couple degrees Fahrenheit.
“It’s not a secret that the Elements of Harmony will be needed to stop the lord of chaos once again, but you and your sister can’t use them like before. As inexperienced as they are, you’re going to have to rely on Twilight Sparkle and her friends to face Discord in your stead. It’s going to challenge them in ways they’ve never been tested before and I want to be there by their side when the scum hits the fan.”
“You?” Luna looked up at me with concern. “What do you hope to accomplish by accompanying the Element bearers?”
“I know I can’t do much,” My jaw locked up in frustration, “but I can’t do nothing. They’re my friends. So please, if there’s anything you can tell me that will help me help them. What’s Discord’s motive? How does he think? What can we do to resist the effects of his power? Anything! Anything to give us an edge because right now, those little ponies are already two steps behind him.”
“My sister was very clear that this is no longer our war.” Luna began slowly. “The world is shifting and we are no longer its sole protectors. We must learn to trust the Element bearers to learn how to stand on their own. Thus much as it pains us, my sister and I will not participate in this fight. Why should you be any different?” Princess Luna shook her head and I came to realize that it wasn’t a gesture of obstinance, but of longing. Letting somepony else take her place on the front line of battle was the hardest thing anyone had ever asked of her.
“Why… Did Celestia specifically say why you two shouldn’t accompany the girls?”
“Together, we deemed it the wisest course of action.” Luna blinked angrily. “In my mind, it was our place to finish what the two of us began, but my sister discouraged that thinking. Our role had been played and a new chapter was to begin. Yet, it was not for that alone that we decided to abstain from facing our nemesis. Discord knows us, our strengths and our weaknesses. Were we to confront him again, nothing will have changed since those ages ago, except our lack of the Elements of Harmony. Our foe would be, as you say, two steps ahead of us, and our presence on the front lines may actually pressure him to resort to his full power.”
“So… You’re saying he’s not using his full power right now?” I clarified.
“Nay, what you see in the valley is akin to a stretch after a long slumber. Suffice to say that my sister and I felt compelled to stop his tyranny over more pressing matters than flying confections and raining dairy.”
“I was afraid you’d say something like that.” The air in my lungs grew as heavy as molasses and the resulting groan was deep and slow. The princess studied me for a moment longer, a storm of thoughts churning behind her blue eyes. Suddenly, a light broke through and she ventured,
“Yet, perhaps this is for the best.” She declared.
“Huh?”
“Indeed! ‘Tis an excellent strategy. Though my sister and I cannot face Discord, our foe does not know of you. Thou might safely accompany the young bearers and advise them without alerting our foe of what thou knowest of him.”
“So, you’ll help me, then?”
“Indeed.” Princess Luna’s horn shimmered with liquid moonlight and the great double doors swung open. “We will tell thee all we know.” I had to blink my eyes to adjust them to the splash of color that assaulted my face.
“Whoah! Is this-?”
“The Hall of Memories...” My friend led the way into a long, vaulted passage. On either side of us were massive windows filled with mosaics of crystalized light. Far from the simplified sketches and stick figures from the show, these murals were the equivalent of paintings but with radiant shards of ice as the medium. The hallway’s ceiling shimmered like the surface of an aquarium from the countless rainbows being cast upon it and the noise of our footfalls was swallowed by the thick plush carpet on the floor.
“These are incredible.” I breathed. The panes of glass showed valiant figures of ponies and other noble species, sometimes fighting, sometimes peaceful, but always beautiful as if each moment was as precious as the glass it was cast in.
“My sister took to collecting these early in our reign.” Luna explained. “It is her belief that time’s ability to numb memories is the greatest enemy of a long life, and that being forgotten is a fate worse than death. I see she has collected some new memories in my absence… Here we are.”
She led me to a window that radiated orange and pink light. On its surface writhed ravenous flames and a number of ponies trapped therein. Presiding over it all, a sinister grin on his equine face, was a golden silhouette of Discord.”
“That’s him.” I stated, rather than asked.
“The embodiment of chaos.” The princess began. “Though still finite, the nature of his power is unlike anything thou art likely to encounter in a magician’s spellbook. His aura warps the boundaries between reality and perception, between the waking world, and illusion, plucking away logic and leaving only madness. Perhaps if we could liken the world to a poem upon paper, then Discord’s magic would be knives, cutting and rearranging it to whatever drivel he deems amusing at the time. Unfortunately, there is no defense against this.
You ask what motivates him? Only he motivates him. Everything he does is for his own pleasure, a selfish trickster who cares not for the lives of others. He steals, he deceives, and he destroys, all in the name of entertaining himself. The only moments when he values another soul is when he requires an audience to appreciate his work.”
“And the flames?” I gestured back up to the glittering glass panes. “Are those symbolic of turmoil and an unstable world, or was he literally an arsonist?” Luna closed her eyes as if trying to block out a memory.
“Pray that it does not become so.” She took a threatening breath. “As of now, it would appear that the countless years have tempered his thirst to harmless practical jokes once again. But if he remains on the loose for too long, then he will undoubtedly seek more… dramatic... forms of entertainment. It all depends on how long floating pies and popcorn will sate his humor.”
“Well, that about sums it up.” I chuckled hollowly. “A brat with dangerous amounts of power and no one to tell him ‘no’. I think I saw this one in a Twilight Zone episode. Or was it Star Trek?”
“Our own power was not enough to stop him.” Luna continued. “Though we fought for the stability of reality itself and called for an end to the suffering he brought, Discord only ever treated my sister and I as playmates. He was impossible to harness and even with our power combined, reality itself bent in his favor. We would find ourselves fighting mirages while his laughter rang ever louder.
Finally, we decided to use a power even older and deeper than his chaos. My sister and I gathered the Elements of Harmony from the Tree beneath our old home. We didn’t even understand their power, but collected the nodes anyways, hoping that they could rewrite the world into a land of order. With our power and a prayer for peace, they appeared to work. The land was healed and Discord’s abilities were completely suppressed.”
“Turning him to stone!” The connection finally dawned on me. “Because ‘stone’ is the element of ‘order’, the opposite to his ‘chaos’ and… Sorry. Got a little excited there. I just read about this.”
“Now, the battle lines are drawn once again. I envy you, Mark. Our desire is to stand between our citizens and this evil, not hide ourselves within a palace.”
“Don’t say that.” I consoled. “No matter what happens today, your people are going to need you to be strong for them. It’s the only way the cities are going to resist falling into anarchy. Princess Celestia’s going to need you by her side as well. Sometimes it takes a stronger heart to defend than it does to attack.”
“We thank you for your encouragement, but it still does not feel the same…”
For a moment, we stood side-by-side, at the window. I looked up into the transparent face of Discord’s image and frowned in thought. What Luna had told me about him wasn’t really different from the show, but the way she said it was far more chilling. After all, there was nothing more terrifying than a villain who had no law to live by. He had only one goal,
“He’s going after the Elements first.” I said aloud. “They’re the only thing that can stop him and he knows it.”
“Of course.” Luna nodded. “But they are safely locked away.” She peered towards the end of the hallway where a pair of crepuscular stood by silently. Their deep purple surface was woven about with crystal orbs and strange magic circuits running through them like the guts of a clock.
“How safe?”
“Locked out of space and time. The power that seals that door is unique to alicorns and only my sister’s magic is synced with the locks.”
“Ok, but that’s not the whole story.” I looked back to the window.
“Pardon?”
“Only half the Elements are locked away.” I explained. “The other half are trying to live normal lives in a little town called Ponyville.”
“You mean-?”
“He didn’t even waste a single fat second of freedom before going after them.” I gestured with my chin to the cotton candy storm. “It’s no accident that Discord chose to begin his crusade there. I don’t know how he found out, but somehow he knows that the modern Elements of Harmony only work when united with the spirits of harmony. He’s targeted my friends, their home, their families, while ignoring Canterlot completely. I’d say it’s a challenge. Discord’s already begun his great game, and he’s calling out his opponents.”
“Whilst in the same moment, showing how little he fears my sister and I.” Luna’s limbs became as ridged as rebar as she fought the urge to paw at the carpet.
“He’s already targeting our greatest strength and our greatest weakness… The bond between friends.” Half of my mouth curled up into a smirk. “Well, he’s bitten off more than he can chew if I have anything to say about it!” I pushed off my right foot and marched back out of the hall.
“To whence to you depart?” Luna called after me.
“I’m going to meet the girls at the train station. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into a caterpillar before they arrive. Once I rendezvous with them, I’ll be sticking to them like honey on a Pooh Bear.”
“Take care…” The alicorn princess shifted on her hooves as if fighting every instinct to join me. “Take care of them in our stead. This is not a foe to be underestimated, and… good luck, Mark…”
“I’ll get them through this safely, princess. You have my word.” We nodded to each other somberly and then I was off.
The city of Canterlot was as tense as a rubber band, but silent as a cemetery. If a brony wanted to make a fan vid of Fallout: Equestria, I would imagine his idea of a post-apocalyptic Canterlot to look a lot like the city I found myself in. Doors were locked, windows (the ones that were intact) had their shades drawn and the once-pristine cobblestone streets were quickly crumbling. There were even a couple armored, rude NPCs on patrol, royal guards ensuring that everypony was safe. Despite their gruff attitude, I was able to make it to the train station without incident.
To my surprise, the platform had more gold littered around it than the Isla de Muerta in ‘Pirates of the Carribian’. Guards were everywhere, struggling to maintain order and enforce whatever lockdown they could, while at the same time trying to calm a crowd of panicked ponies who were trying to flee the city.
I got more than a couple (racist) suspicious glances thrown my way, but I was able to stay out from underhoof until the train arrived. When it finally appeared, chugging around the last bend of the cliffs, the locomotive looked like it had a bad run-in with an easy bake oven. The pastry-themed train cars looked distinctly more delicious than before, their windows were warped and foggy sugar panes and a gingerbread smell preceded it. The engine, however, looked untouched by Discord’s chaos, but before I could breathe a sigh of relief, the steam whistle on top let loose with the wail of a rooster.
“Mark!” Twilight Sparkle leapt off the train, followed closely by Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity. “I’m glad to see you’re all right!”
“Me? I’m not the one who just rode in on the world’s largest dessert train. I’m glad you made it safely. Oh! You smell good!” Twilight gave me a quick hug and I caught a whiff of buttermilk frosting about her. “Where’s Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?”
“Fluttershy’s trying to convince Pinkie to get off the train.” Rainbow Dash groaned. I leaned over to see the end of the yellow pegasus’s tail just inside the train car.
“No, Pinkie, you shouldn’t eat the seat. Oh, my, aren’t you going to get a tummy ache? Please don’t chew that, what will the conductor think- No, no, that’s the floor, you don’t want to lick where everypony walks do you?”
“Happened quick as a wink an’ without anypony knowin’ why.” Applejack frowned thoughtfully at the train. “Honestly, we’re lucky Pinkie Pie didn’t eat the whole darn thing while we were still ridin’ it! Why the hay is everything turning to food anyways? You should see Ponyville!”
“Well, you know the saying, ‘the way to a man’s heart… etcetera, etcetera’.” I shrugged.
“Or ‘mare’ in this case.” Twilight winced as the wall of the train car burst open. Pinkie Pie trotted out, her mouth surrounded by crumbs and her cheeks bulging with gingerbread.
“Oh… I guess that works too…” Fluttershy came out the normal door.
“What exactly is going on, Mark? Do you know?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“I think Princess Celestia wants to explain it to you herself.” I glanced sideways at a couple curious bystanders. “We should hurry.”
“Wait! Do we have to go now? What will happen to these perfectly good goodies?” Pinkie Pie clutched a chunk of chocolate chip cookie cushion. Suddenly, there was a sharp crack and the train engine listed like a drunken sailor. Beneath it, its’ wheels had apparently turned into tea saucers and shattered under the weight.
“Or sooner, if possible.” I swallowed nervously.
“Can you at least tell me what kind of magic we’re talking about?” Twilight Sparkle whispered as our group swiftly made its way back to the palace. “Because I tried to use my failsafe spell and it didn’t work! Is this a curse and I just wasn’t powerful enough to break it? Or is this a manifestation of Starswirl’s multiverse theory and our dimension is colliding with another? Or is this all an illusion or maybe we’re under somepony’s spell? Or, maybe I’m dreaming and-”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I tried to soothe the frantic purple unicorn. “It’s a little bit of everything and none of that all at once. Luna tried to explain it to me, but-”
“You met Princess Luna?” Rarity gasped.
“Yes, but that’s irrelevant-”
“When was this!?”
“That’s also irrelevant, but-”
“And you didn’t tell us!?”
“Rarity!” I barked. “I’ll apologize and explain later over a nice cup of tea, but right now, that topic is a pachyderm’s auditory organ!”
“Pardon?”
“It’s ear-of-elephant!”
“Oh, ha ha. Real dumb.” Rainbow Dash interjected.
“Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.” I mock-bowed.
“Mark, focus!” Twilight pooped the party. “What did she say about the magic?”
“Well, you told me your failsafe spell worked by targeting foreign auras and using that to break curses, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, this isn’t a foreign aura as much as it is reality itself breaking apart. It was described to me, by an unspecified pony, like a magazine getting cut apart and reassembled into a ransom note. Kind of like-”
“Oh! That’s Plait O.’s model of the universe, right?”
“I don’t know. All I know about him is that colorful modeling clay I used to play with.”
“Plait O. was a philosopher who postulated that reality could be likened to a book. The paper represents the universe and the ink represents everything in it. Magic is the influence we have over the words. That idea’s given rise to a lot of great schools of magic and it’s a great study tool! I put it in your curriculum, but you haven’t gotten that far yet.”
“Can’t wait!”
“Ugh! You guys are such eggheads!” Rainbow Dash pulled her bottom eyelids down in exasperation.
“Haha! Rainbow called me an egghead!” I sniggered.
However, the weight of the day stifled any more jokes after that, and by the time the girls and I burst into the palace’s main hall, we were appropriately serious and sober and ready to tackle an ageless god of chaos. Whatever we were feeling, however, was jovial compared to what Equestria’s ruler was feeling.
“Princess Celestia! We came as fast as we could!” Twilight looked up at her mentor with concern. The princess was pacing fervently and her head hung lower than normal. When she spoke, it sounded like a sigh of relief,
“Thank you, Twilight. Thank you all.”
“Is this about the weather?” The purple unicorn gestured back out the door. “And the animal’s weird behavior? What’s happening out there? Why isn’t my magic working? Is there-” Celestia held up a hoof to stem the tide of questions. Then, with all the gravity of the planet Jupiter, she said,
“Follow me.” Silently, we obeyed.
Celestia led us through the palace until I was once again swimming through the hall of glass-filtered light. The sunbeams hadn’t changed position since the chaos began, adding to the bizarre cocktail of awe and dread within each of us.
“I’ve called you here for a matter of great importance.” Celestia began slowly. “It seems an old foe of mine, someone I thought I had defeated long ago, has returned. His name… is Discord.”
“Ep!” Fluttershy shrunk under the weight put into that name.
“Discord is the mischievous spirit of disharmony.” The princess continued, “Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness. Luna and I saw how miserable life was for earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns alike, so after discovering the Elements of Harmony, we combined out powers and rose up against him, turning him to stone.”
“All right, Princess!” Rainbow Dash pumped a victorious hoof in the air.
I listened to the princess’s tale with rapt interest, but so far, she had no additional insight that Luna hadn’t already explained. I found myself wondering if I would skip over this recap if I ever decided to write my memoirs in a book.
Celestia looked down at the carpet and continued reflectively,
“I thought the spell we cast would keep him contained forever, but since Luna and I are no longer connected to the Elements, the spell has been broken. This was unexpected, but we are not completely unprepared.”
“No longer connected?” Twilight Sparkle paused.
“This is Canterlot Tower, where the Elements have been kept inside since all of you recovered them.” Princess Celestia gestured towards the duo of indomitable doors at the far end of the hall. She collected herself and lowered her voice. Her tone wasn’t that of a ruler, or even of a mother, but that of a friend. “I need you to wield the Elements of Harmony once again and stop Discord before he thrusts all of Equestria into eternal chaos.”
“But why us?” The magic student looked up to her mentor. “Why don’t you-”
“Hey, look! We’re famous!” Pinkie Pie cut Twilight off. The little pink pony gestured excitedly to a nearby window portraying the downfall of Nightmare Moon. Technically, she cut me off too, since I was on the verge of saying something encouraging, but as it turned out, Celestia took the words out of my mouth.
“You six showed the full potential of the Elements by harnessing the magic of your friendship to overcome a mighty foe. Although Luna and I once wielded the Elements, it is you who now control their power. That is why it is you who must defeat Discord!”
Our group gathered at the base of the newest addition to the Hall of Memories. Cast upon the stained-glass window were six rearing ponies, each one bathed in a different color of aura. Above them, her hide crafted from shards of obsidian, was the dark figure of Nightmare Moon. All six of the girls looked at their portrait, immortalized in glass. It wasn’t like it needed to be said, but I gave voice to what everypony was thinking,
“In a way, that night was different. You were only doing what you hoped anypony would do in your place. You were merely watching out for your friends and never dreamed that you yourselves would be facing down Nightmare Moon. And yet, today is no different from then. You still have the things that matter most to you, and once again something has come to threaten them.”
“If you’ll excuse me for a moment, Mark,” Rarity spoke up, “But I must point out that we’ve never presumed to be warriors.”
“Of course not.” I shook my head. “But you are still heroes.”
A small, confident smile pulled at Twilight’s mouth. She looked up to her mentor and said,
“Princess Celestia, you can count on-”
“Hold on a second!” Pinkie objection! “Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain you guys. Chocolate. Rain!”
“And when it goes sour, then what?” I scrunched up my face.
“Don’t listen to her, Princess.” Twilight continued. “We’d be honored to use the Elements of Harmony again.”
Princess Celestia didn’t reply. Nothing needed to be said. The look of pride and gratitude that filled her eyes was worth more words than a Leo Tolstoy novel. The alicorn princess turned and leveled her ivory horn at the pair of sealed doors containing the Elements. A soft whisper, like the sound of waves breaking upon a distant shore, rose in volume and my stomach lurched with a weightless sensation. Instead of her usual golden aura, a pale turquoise light rose from Celestia’s horn.
For my part, I had my eyes peeled like a pair of oranges. Celestia and Luna were certain that nothing could break the princess’s lock, but I already knew that Discord was going to do just that. There would be no episode without a hunt for the Elements, so how did the draconequus crack an impregnable lock? The answer? Maybe he didn’t. True, the seal that Celestia was dissolving was the only gateway to the Elements, but how could we know for certain that the door she opened was the same one she unlocked? Besides, hadn’t Luna mentioned something about not being able to trust our senses around Discord?
Prestidigitation.
“Princess-” I held up a finger, but I was too late to stop anything. With the sound of a distant sigh, the two doors swung outwards, releasing a burst of white-blue light. Everypony squinted except for Celestia, a grim determination on her countenance. She stepped into the still-glowing room where a single pedestal and an ornate blue box had manifested. Much like the doors themselves, the box was covered in golden magic circuits and nodes made out of a plethora of precious stones.
“Oohhh…” Rarity’s voice shivered and her wide eyes glistened in awe. “You can keep the Elements. I’ll take that case!”
“Have no fear, ponies. I have total confidence that you will be able to defeat Discord… with these!” Celestia reverently levitated the blue box with her aura, held up above everypony’s heads and revealed… nothing.
The box was empty save for its pink velvet lining.
Such a complete silence fell over the group that one could have heard a fly sneeze. Celestia’s white face turned pale and all the ponies stood as frozen as the glass pictures on the walls. It took every ounce of my self-control to keep myself from whispering, “awkward…”. Fortunately, we could all count on Pinkie Pie to reanimate the stunned crowd,
“Oh well!” She shrugged and started to prance away. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside in the chocolate puddles with a giant swizzle straw!”
“Hey, get back here!” I had to run and catch the crazy girl. Without the benefit of a commercial break, she was fully prepared to simply walk out right then and there.
“Well, what else are we gonna do?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Didn’t anypony tell you that when life gives you lemons, you make lemon meringue pie?”
“Yes… and no… wait, what?” I corralled the pink pony back towards the others like a shepherd with a particularly ADHD sheep.
“The Elements!” Twilight gasped, “They’re gone!”
“How can this be?” Princess Celestia began pacing. “That chamber is protected by a powerful spell that only I can break! This doesn’t make sense!”
Even as the words left her lips, a haunting laugh rose through the palace halls. It was a sound brimming with a frothing mixture of confidence and mockery, aided by the acoustic echo of the vaulted ceiling.
“Oohhh…” I nudged Pinkie Pie with my elbow. “That’s gotta be an 8.5…”
“Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?” And that, ladies and gentleman, is how Discord summed up himself in one line.
As soon as she heard the disembodied voice, a distinct change came over the princess. She positioned herself between the ponies and the empty hallway and the hairs on the back of her neck prickled.
“Discord…” She hissed. “Show yourself!”
But the draconequus was enjoying this reunion, milking it for everything it was worth. He chuckled and asked Moriarty-style,
“Did you miss me, Celestia?” Suddenly, one of the glass images of Discord blinked. “I missed you.”
Fluttershy began shivering uncontrollably, both pairs of knees knocking together. I couldn’t blame her. I was anticipating ‘glass Discord’ and the moving windows still managed to make my heart skip a beat. Our group watched as the draconequus bent the window panes around, making it look as if his body was slithering across the walls. His voice drawled,
“It’s quite lonely being encased in stone, but you wouldn’t know that, would you? Because I don’t turn ponies to stone!” The picture of Discord frowned disdainfully at the countless windows frozen in time.
“Enough!” Celestia stamped a hoof and her mane flared out behind her. “What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?”
“Oh, I just borrowed them for a teensy little while.” Discord yawned like a cat being asked to play fetch. He snapped his claws as if to taunt Celestia and a glass picture of the Elements went blank.
“You’ll never get away with this, Discord!”
“He kind of did…” I thought, glancing back to the pilfered blue chest. As far as I could tell, Celestia really wasn’t in any position to make demands.
“Oh, I’d forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia.” Discord’s image scrutinized its claws, unconcerned. “It’s really quite boring.”
“Hey! Nopony insults the Princess!” Rainbow Dash shot towards the offending mocker, but in the end, all she managed to do was beat her head on a pane of glass like a fly challenging a window.
“Oh! You must be Rainbow Dash! Famed for her loyalty. The Element of Harmony you represent.” Discord spoke as if noticing the other ponies for the first time.
“That’s right! I’ll always be loyal to the princess!” The blue pegasus snarled. For an instant, I saw a sinister light flash in the window-Discord’s eyes.
“We’ll see about that…” He chuckled.
Dash may have momentarily forgotten that the glass mosaic wasn’t actually Discord, but Rarity clearly hadn’t,
“I can’t believe we’re wasting our time talking to a tacky window.” She tried to shake off the weirdness of her situation. Discord immediately locked onto her and lauded,
“The beautiful Rarity! Representing the element of ‘generosity’, if I’m not mistaken?” Cordial, but still snarky.
“So you know who we are. Big deal!” Applejack bravely stepped forward in an attempt to break Discord’s momentum, but this was his grand entrance and he would not back down.
“Oh, I know much more than that, ‘honest’ Applejack.” The picture swelled to fill an entire window, leering down at the humble earth pony.
“You seem to know our strengths, too.” Twilight Sparkle added. Discord vanished and reappeared on top of a picture of Fluttershy.
“Yes, Twilight Sparkle, and yours is the most powerful and elusive element, ‘magic’. Fluttershy’s is ‘kindness’ and Pinkie Pie’s is a personal favorite of mine: ‘laughter’.”
“Elusive?” I thought to myself. “Interesting choice of words for a creature who slings magic around like a baby slings creamed peas.”
“Pinkie!” Twilight looked over at her friend. The pink pony was doing her best not to enjoy Discord’s return, but she couldn’t contain herself for long,
“Haha!” Pinkie Pie burst out laughing and pointed to the draconequus. “He’s standing on your head!” Sure enough, Discord was amusing himself with some sick dance moves worthy of the ‘Party Rock Anthem’ music video. Of course, he was doing them on a picture of Twilight Sparkle.
“Stop stalling, Discord!” Celestia ordered. “What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?” Discord groaned as if she had taken away his favorite toy.
“Oh, so boring, Celestia. Really? Fine! I’ll tell you, but I’ll only tell you my way.” He slithered out of view and began, “To retrieve your missing Elements, just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began…” And he was gone. The windows stopped moving and all that remained was the echo of his words.
“Can we go home now?” Fluttershy whimpered.
“For a guy whose goal is to keep the Elements from ever being used against him, he was remarkably compliant.” I ran my finger along my chin while Applejack and Twilight Sparkle started pacing. “My guess is he’s using them like a carrot on a stick. No offense to any equines, of course. He’s willing to offer the Elements back, but it’s only to suck us into the next stage of his plan. Make no mistake, his game has already begun and now we have no choice but to play.”
“Ooh! Ooh! I love games!” Pinkie Pie bounced eagerly. I glanced at her and for a moment, I could practically see her vibrant pink coat turn grey.
“Not these games, Pinkie…”
“What do you reckon he meant? Twists and turns and ending back where we started?” Applejack wondered.
“Twists and turns… Twists and turns…” Twilight Sparkle chanted under her breath. “Twists and turns! That’s it! I bet Discord hid the Elements in the palace labyrinth!” She gestured excitedly into the palace’s garden outside where a forest of hedges spread out like Tron’s game grid.
“Good luck, my little ponies.” A wave of pain passed over Celestia’s face. All she could do was send the girls away with her prayers. She nodded low and rested her horn on Twilight Sparkle’s shoulder. “The fate of Equestria is in your hooves.”
“Thanks Princess.” The little student smiled bravely. “We won’t let you down.”
“If only I could share your confidence, Twilight.” I whispered to myself.
Soon enough, our little group was galloping across the castle grounds. Aside from us, not a single pony was to be seen. Ahead, the ‘labyrinth’ rose like the gates of Mordor.
“You sure you don’t want to stay inside, Mark?” Applejack queried.
“Pssh! Like I could!” I tilted my head and asked, “What makes you think I’d want to sit this one out?”
“Well, we’re not really sure what we’re dealin’ with.” The orange mare said uncertainly. “I’d just hate for you to get hurt’s all.”
“I could say the same thing about you.” My eyes swept over the group. “If you’re crazy enough to challenge a world-warping entropy-spewing dragon-monster-deity, then the least I can do is help.”
“How?” Rainbow Dash glanced behind her.
“Well, I haven’t exactly worked that out yet. But I’m working on a plan to get us through this without a hitch.” Admittedly, my only plan was to try and keep everypony on script and hope for the happy ending. However, Dash had a point, and it was as sharp as a javelin. Despite ‘knowing’ how this episode was supposed to turn out, I was remarkably powerless to enforce it should anything go awry.
“Well, until you come up with something, just try not to get in the way.” The blue pony cautioned.
“Tell you what. You beat Discord at his game, and I’ll stay out from underfoot. I mean hoof.”
At that moment, our group skidded to a halt. Before us, the twisted entrance to the world’s biggest hedge maze stood open like a pair of green leafy jaws. Initially, I had gotten an ‘Alice in Wonderland’ vibe from the maze, but up close, it had a more ‘Theseus’ feel to it. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see a minotaur lurching by. (Even a mini one.)
“W-we have to go in there?” Fluttershy stammered.
“Nope!” Dash leapt forward and flared her wings. “Dopey Discord forgot about these babies! I’ll just do a quick flyover and we’ll have the Elements in no time.” She lanced straight up into the air like a rocket, but the blue pegasus never even made it above the hedges. As soon as her rear hooves left the ground, her gorgeous wings vanished into thin air. With a stifled gurgle, Rainbow fell back to the ground.
“Oop! I gotcha! Oof!” I threw myself forward just in time to break her fall. Despite her size, the pegasus was remarkably light for a pony. She was still heavy, of course, but let’s just say I was grateful to be catching Rainbow Dash and not, say, Applejack.
“My wings!” The blue pony dropped to the ground and began spinning in circles like a scalded dog.
“Aaah!” Fluttershy’s wings were missing too. Rarity and Twilight Sparkle both gasped at the same time as their forelocks suddenly swung free upon their smooth foreheads. Minor panic swept over us. Completely understandable. Still, it was funny to hear Equestria’s saviors screaming like girls. (Oh, wait…)
Before anypony had recovered, there was a wiggling, ringing sound and a pinprick of space began to boil with green light. It swelled until a creature oozed out of it, like a dog squeezing itself though a pet door. Discord untangled his long mismatched body and stood to his full height, laughing throatily while lightning danced above his head.
“Still an 8.5.” I nodded, impressed.
“You-You should see the looks on your faces! Priceless!” Discord the draconequus shook with laughter as if he had an earthquake inside him.
“Give us our wings and horns back!” Twilight Sparkle demanded.
“You’ll get them back in good time.” Discord assured her, “I simply took them to ensure there’s no cheating. You see, this is the first rule of our game, no flying, and no magic.” Our nemesis swept between our group like a weasel, reveling in the attention and clearly ignorant to the concept of ‘personal space’.
“The… first rule?” Rainbow Dash coughed.
“The second rule is everypony has to play, or the game is over… and I win…” Yellow eyes narrowed in the creature’s face as he grinned maliciously. With a mixture of enthusiasm and sarcasm, Discord cheered, “Good luck, everypony!” And, just as quickly as he had manifested, he vanished.
The six ponies were left glancing helplessly at each other, still reeling from the situation they found themselves in and dangerously discouraged. Fortunately, Twilight changed that,
“Never fear, girls. We have each other!”
“Yeah!” Dash piped up. “Like Twilight said, there’s nothing we can’t overcome if we all stick together!”
“All right, girls, let’s do this!” Twilight marched to the labyrinth’s opening and the others followed with one accord. I positioned myself as close to the purple (former) unicorn as I could as the ponies prepared to launch into the greatest game of ‘maze runner’ ever.
“Together!”
Unfortunately, Discord had other plans and I was not a part of them.
The ground split open beneath my feet and a wave of wooden branches erupted skywards. I was blinded by scratching twigs and a flurry of leaves and by the time everything stopped moving, I found myself separated from the rest of the girls by new walls.
“Well, so much for that plan.” I groaned while the sounds of screaming arose from behind the fresh hedges.
“Stay calm, girls!” Twilight’s voice was muffled. “Everypony head to the middle as fast as you can and we’ll regroup there!”
“Moving out!”
“See you in the center.”
“Yeehaw!”
“See you guys there!”
From where I stood, locked outside of the maze, I could hear the retreating hooves. There was also the sound of poor little Fluttershy screaming, but there wasn’t much I could do for her.
I tried to help her, really. My fingers clawed at the thick tangle of plants and I kicked at the stalks, but it was no use. The living wall sprung back from any ground I gained, and whatever I broke came back thicker than before. I scrunched my mouth into a frown as I leered up at the hedge and sat down in the dirt. It occurred to me that I didn’t know how long the girls would be in there, and I became painfully aware of the fact that I didn’t own a watch.
Just as enough time had elapsed for me to become bored, (approximately 30 seconds) I heard the sound of footfalls approaching. Confused, I stood up right when a section of hedge swung out like a door. And who should waltz out of the labyrinth but Discord himself, a befuddled expression on his face.
“You!” He put his hands on his (well, I couldn’t really call them ‘hips’).
“Me!?” I even glanced behind me to see who else he could be talking to.
“Not ‘me’, you!”
“I said me.”
“I know you did.”
“So you’re talking about me?”
“No, I’m ‘me’. You have some explaining to do!”
“Well, then, who are you?”
“No, Who’s on first.”
“Wow…” I clapped out a slow applause. “I think that was the most useless conversation I’ve ever had.”
“Glad you enjoyed it.” Discord gave a small bow.
“So, how can I help you?”
“Well, for starters, you can tell me what I’m doing wrong.” The creature folded his upper limbs and stared at me. I, stared back, confusion plastering my face like stucco on a wall.
“You’re an devious entropy meister from the dawn of time come to wreak vengeance on an otherwise peaceful world by singling out and crushing the hearts of six little girls. And you’re asking me what you’re doing wrong?”
“Please! This has nothing to do with that.” Discord rolled his eyes. “I’m talking about betrayal.”
“Betrayal? Someone betrayed you?”
“You did! And here I thought you were my big fan!”
“Well, yeah, I mean, in an admiration kind of way and… oh! Would you look at that? I’m your big fan.” Sure enough, I looked down to see that my body had become a giant hand fan. Discord plucked me up, flapped me open and began cooling himself with me.
“And yet every time I make a grand entrance, you give me a measly 8.5!? Do you know how long I planned my reunion with Celestia. Tsk! Rude!”
“Aw come off it! I-hurk! You don’t even know what-urg! That scoring system is- hng! Oh, gawd, I’m gonna be sick!” Discord tossed me to the ground where I resumed my usual shape. Still, my world kept spinning for a few seconds. “You don’t even know what I was rating you on!”
“Enlighten me!” The draconequus bent one claw back with a click. And, just like that, he lit up like a Christmas tree. I tried desperately to regain my train of thought,
“Hold on. Don’t you have some friendships you’re supposed to be destroying?” I wondered. “You’ve gone through all this trouble to separate them, too.”
“Oh, they’ll be fine.” My companion waved a paw dismissively. His other claw held a large book titled, ‘How to Serve Pony’. “I’m just going to let them stew in their self-doubt for a minute longer. Then I’ll sprinkle in some conflict to bring out the flavor and finally bake off the excess harmony.”
“Alton Brown would be proud.” I nodded somberly.
“Now, the 8.5? Hmm…?” Discord slapped the book shut and fixed me in his amber gaze.
“That’s my ‘Evil Villain Laugh’ rating system.” I explained. Discord’s white fuzzy eyebrows shot up in surprise. He pulled out a refreshing coconut drink and sipped it thoughtfully.
“Sir, you had my curiosity. Now you have my attention.”
“It’s simple, really,” I began, “Using a scale of 1 to 10, I can rate the quality of a villain’s laugh judging by its resonance, its tempo, and its confidence. Resonance is how commanding the villain’s voice is, too squeaky and you can’t take them seriously. Tempo is important, because too slow or too fast ruins the moment. Confidence is unique to the situation, and a truly evil laugh is placed at exactly the right time and place.”
“Give me some examples.” Discord was furiously scribbling in a large yellow notebook with an oversized pencil. However, when he flipped the page over, I saw that all he had written was, ‘pretending to take notes’.
“Interestingly enough, Voldemort’s on the lower end of the spectrum. I mean seriously!? He’s supposed to be the unutterable terror of the modern world and all he can pull off is a, ‘Nyeh-heh-hehh’!? I lost all respect for him right then and there. It’s like a 2. If that…
Jafar has a lot of passion, but his laugh just comes out as maniacal madness. Strange, coming from an otherwise cordial and respectable villain. I’d give him a 3 or 4.”
“And your favorites?”
“Oh, where to begin? Belloq from Indiana Jones has a 7.5. Syndrome from The Incredibles has an 8, and the highest one I can recall right now would probably be the ghost king from The Lord of the Rings. His transition into the deep echoing noise just sends chills down my spine. 9”
“You’ve put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?” Discord played with the tuft of hair on his chin, his expression caught between impressed and concerned.
“Well, what’s a hero without their villain? And what’s a villain without that one moment when they are at the height of their power? The evil laugh is their climax. You’ve got a great voice, good tempo, and your echo effects back in the castle were spot-on, so you’re way up there.”
“But only an 8.5?”
“Don’t get your tail in a twist.” I consoled. “It’s really more like a scale from 1 to 9, since there’s no such thing as a 10. An evil laugh that complete, that overwhelming, and that powerful, would crush the soul of even the bravest heroes, reducing them to shuddering hopelessness and inconsolable depression.
Of course, there are laughs that defy the system. It’s hard to find a good female villain laugh because they never have the right resonance, but they can still make great villains! Another problem is when a terrifying villain never laughs. Clayton, from Tarzan, has an exquisite chuckle, but doesn’t really laugh. Then there are just plain creepy laughs. The joker in ‘The Dark Knight’ had a terrifying laugh just because it’s so authentic, but it doesn’t fit any of my categories.”
“Well, I’m just sorry to disappoint my fans. I can’t believe I lost a contests of laughs! And to the ghost king of all people.” A fan shirt with the words ‘Boo Down to the Ghost King’ appeared on my chest and Discord began crying crocodile tears. By that, of course, I mean tiny crocodiles literally began falling from his eyes.
“Who’s disappointed?” I looked around sarcastically. “Not me! I’m honored to meet you. You’re like Q, the Genie, and the Cheshire Cat all rolled into one with the conniving mind of Captain Hook and the humor of Beetlejuice. I like to give credit where it’s due and you’ve single-paw-hoof-claw-edly set the bar incredibly high for any and all villains that come after you. I’d have a lot of admiration for you if you weren’t currently trying to brutally rip apart my friends and turn their world inside-out.”
I had to be careful with myself. Discord was, arguably, one of the greatest characters in My Little Pony, but as of that moment, he was still a villain. Telling him I was a fan before he freed himself was dangerous enough, running my mouth any longer was even more so. To my surprise, the draconequus paused and chuckled.
“Ooh-hoo-hoo… Say that again?”
“Pardon?”
“You actually consider those ponies your friends?” An amber eye watched me eagerly.
“Well, yeah? Sharing emotional life experiences with people will do that to you.”
“Ah-ha-haa! Oh, this is rich!” Discord vanished. In the next moment, there was a soft scuffling sound and my brain started to tickle. An echoing voice inside my skull mused, “Now how could you possibly get such an idea in your head? And you aren’t just saying it, either, you’ve actually convinced yourself that they mean something to you! Oh, you’re a very special case, aren’t you?”
“Not cool.” I fished in my ear and seized Discord by the end of his tail. Pulling him out of my brain was not something I’d care to do again, but it was strangely refreshing. “And what do you know about friendship?”
“More than you, apparently.” The creature between my fingers returned to it’s normal, imposing, size. “In fact, I’m more of a friend to you than all those ponies combined!”
“Ha! And how do you figure that?”
“For starters, how many of them know where you really come from?” Discord sneered. The question caught me off guard.
“And you do?” I tilted my head slightly.
“I’ve got a much better idea than your so-called friends!” The creature curled a claw and ran it down through the air. He tore a deep hole in the fabric of the universe and through it, I could see a plethora of stars. Not like the gems of the night sky, but like the glittery blue phenomena I saw just before landing in Equestria. Until that moment, I had always dismissed that view as something I had dreamt up.
“… How…?”
“It wasn’t hard to figure out, really, with you and Nightmare Moon arriving at the same time. But the point is that you’ve never even bothered to ask the ponies about how you got here.” Discord lowered his voice. “What’s wrong? Don’t you trust them? Or do you doubt that they would even know? Perhaps you were afraid they’d think you were crazy?”
“It’s… complicated.”
“As complicated as lying to yourself? Oh, but you’ve had a lot of practice since you came here, trying to build a little life in Equestria. You might as well have tried to build a sandwich with no bread!” The dimensional rift hissed closed. “Ooh… that’s actually a good idea…”
“What does that even mean?”
“Really, some things you can’t hide from forever, ‘Mark’. Or have you already forgotten about your struggles adapting to your new pony diet?” Discord snapped his claw and a giant 8-pound hamburger dripping with fat appeared in his palm. “Be honest, you need human food.”
“That’s… not fair…” My shoulders deflated.
“Don’t you get a little homesick when you make a reference to your world and nopony gets it? Don’t you get a little lonely being the only human in a world of animals? Don’t you feel a little isolated when you realize that you’re going to grow old here and no one back home will know what became of you? Honestly, I’m worried that you’ve shown as little loyalty to your old life as you have.” The hamburger opened like a clam and the underside of its bun was like a miniature television. As Discord spoke, a slideshow of images accentuated each point. They started with pictures of me standing in the middle of Ponyville, but quickly eliminated everything around me until all that was left was a scene of me standing alone.
“This is just as much my real home as Earth.” A smoldering sensation was rising in my chest.
“And how about when you finally want to start a family? Something that you’ll never find in Equestria. Do you think you’re just going to settle down with some nice mare and share a fairytale happily-ever-after?” The burger vanished, only to be replaced by the sudden manifestation of Derpy. The little grey pegasus hung in the air above Discord’s claw, wearing a white wedding dress and an expression of confusion worthy of Donna Noble aboard the TARDIS. In the next instant, she and the dress disappeared again.
“Is this a part of your game?” I demanded. “Are you trying to intimidate me? Make me admit that I’m worried? Scared, even, of the future? Because I certainly hope I’m more resilient than you seem to think I am.”
“I’m doing you a favor.” Discord leered back at me. “I thought I was pretty good at making a liar out of an honest soul, but you’ve proven to be better. See, you’ve convinced yourself that the mask you wear is your real face. As if this dreamworld you’ve concocted can last forever! A creature that can fool itself… now, that’s a very special kind of chaos.”
“I’m not lying.” I said finally. “And my friends have proven to be strong enough to overcome my secrets.” My opponent sneered as if I had just proven his point. Then he told me,
“It’s high time for you to wake up, Mark. And we’ll see what your friends really think about you.” Discord tilted his head and grinned. I tried to brace myself for anything, but there was no way I could have prepared myself for what happened next. He leaned forward, sighed, and whispered, “I wonder… The face under the mask… Is that… Your true face?”
“…Where have I heard that before?”
To answer that, Discord simply laughed. A haunting, childish chuckle. A sound that used to give me nightmares back when the N64 was popular. The laugh of the Skull Kid.
“Wait, isn’t that? Hey! No! No, no, no. You don’t get to make those kind of references! You’re in Equestria for crying out loud! You don’t even know what The Legend of Zelda is! Hey! Knock it off!”
But my demands went ignored. The draconequus shook his head with an ominous, rattling sound. His orange eyes glowed like lanterns and blotted out all other light. The garden around me grew dark and the sound of his laughter rose until I could hear it inside my very mind. I could feel his chaos magic consuming me like vines of ivy. I covered my face and closed my eyes.
And then it was over.
“What… What did you do?” I gasped, not even sure if I wanted an answer. I peered through my fingers, which was a good sign. At least I wasn’t a deku shrub. (Although, that might have been kind of cool.) I looked back up at Discord and shouted, “What the hell did you just do!?”
But in the moment I lifted my head, something fell from my cheeks. An object, like a bowl, clattered to the ground between my feet. To my horror, I realized it was a hollow shell of my face.
“Aw, God! You took my face! That’s messed up, you creep! I liked that face! Now I look like slenderman!” My opponent slithered forward and snatched up the shell before I could react. He didn’t do anything with it, however, but instead sat watching me with rapt interest. My fingers clawed at what remained of my face, only to find that everything was still there.
“Hold the phone… No, you didn’t. I’ve still got a nose. I like my nose. Eyes? Ok, those are working. Lips? Well, how could I be talking without them? My chin even feels bristly, so it’s not like you took off my epidermis. Fess up, jerk! What the hell did you just take off me?” I looked up at Discord, but he remained silent. Too silent. He sat back like a guy who knew a doozy of a punchline was imminent. My mouth kept flapping,
“All right, so you’re no help. What could be your plan? How does this help your scheme? Or is this just for fun? I mean, I feel all right, a little dizzy perhaps, and yet I just know something’s wrong. Maybe this has something to do with what we were talking about before. Did you take away by ability to lie? The sky is purple! Nope, that’s still working. Perhaps you turned my face purple! That’d be kind of cool. I could dress as Thanos for Halloween. Sorry, ‘Nightmare Night’. I mean, that might be kind of awkward, looking like a giant grape, but not as bad as when I was ‘Cutie Mark’. Hmm... How could I test that? I need a mirror. But what if that’s not it? What else could be wrong? What if it's not aesthetic? Perhaps I should just find a safe place to hide until I’ve got this figured out. But if I was going to do that, why would I tell you about it? As a matter of fact, why would I be telling you any of this stuff? Come to think of it, I don’t normally talk this much. I just pretend to be talkative so that nobody knows how shy I really am. Fess up, Discord, did you take away my ability to shut up? Well? Are you going to answer me or are you just going to sit there like a pile of (expletive)?”
Both hands leapt up to my mouth in shock.
“Holy (cow)! What the (buck)!? Why the (fudge) am I doing this?” As fast as thought, one of my own hands slapped me across the face. “I can’t stop it! Why the (squee) am I cussing? This has never been a (rutting) problem for me before! I had a (darn) vocabulary just a (bloody) moment ago!”
This continued for a while. My body kept trying to hold my mouth shut while a stream of profanity rolled off my tongue with enough fluency to shame a sailor. It wasn’t long until I realized that Discord’s sides were in stitches. His long body writhed on the ground as he howled with laughter. Finally, I calmed down enough to realize what was happening. 
“You filthy (dog)! You took away my (goram) inhibition, didn’t you?” It was the only explanation that made sense. My brain had a direct line to my mouth without any filter to keep it in check. My body, likewise, acted on impulse without any planning. The implications were terrifying.
“Just- Just think of it as a favor from your real friend, Discord!” The draconequus wiped tears of mirth from his eyes.
“What!? You think this is a (flipping) favor!? Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You’ve put the entire word in jeopardy! What happens if I tell Twilight that I’m actually from Earth? What if I tell her that I hated Equestria Girls? What if I accidentally tell her she’s gonna become an alicorn? Holy (shiitake mushroom)! I did not just say that! Shut up! Shut up! Shut uppity-up-up!” I fell to the ground, desperately trying to punch some sense into myself. Much to the amusement of my audience, I was caught in a pitched battle between whatever popped into my head versus what I should and should not say.
“What? You don’t think your friends will be able to handle the real you?” Discord guffawed.
“This isn’t the real me! Yes, it is! No, it’s not! Yes, it is! Shut the (bleep) up, Mark! You’re endangering the world!”
"Quick!" Discord shouted, "What's the first thing that pops into your head when I say, 'Discord'?"
"I'm howlin' at the moon! And sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon!" Fast as thought, words leapt out of my mouth like candy from a pez dispenser.
"Now, what if I say, 'cats'?"
"Nyan nyan nyan-nyan, nyan nyan nyan-yan-yan-yan..." I could feel the color drain from my face. I had no control.
"Pickles!"
"Kumquat! Pickle barrel, kumquat! Pickle barrel, kumquat!" I was nothing more than a plaything. I felt angry, afraid, and disgraced. But I didn't know how to fight it. How could I not be me?
“Now, tell me a nice, juicy secret.” My foe purred. Instantly, I thought about Discord, his rise to power and his downfall when overwhelmed with the Elements of Harmony. And what would come next? Obviously, he’d then ask how I knew and I wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that he’s a villain in a children’s TV show. And that knowledge alone could doom the entire episode. The entire future of Equestria! Unfortunately, my mouth was already vomiting sound,
“You’re going to have your (butt) handed to you on a silver platter by- INTO OF DARKNESS AND REDNESS AND WHITENESS!”
“Hm?” The villain tilted his head. “What was that?”
“SUDDENLY, PINAPLES! PSYCH IS AN AMAZING SHOW! I AM A STEGOSAURUS! THE LAND BEFORE TIME WAS MY CHILDHOOD! I CRY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STAR TREK MOVIE EVERY TIME!” A new stream of thoughts, like static in a radio, blotted out what was too dangerous to reveal.
It wasn’t very dignified, but it was working. By drawing upon the supreme power of randomness granted to me by exposure to the internet, I was able to jump between thoughts the way Frogger jumped between logs. In this way, I could keep my slack-jawed-self from answering Discord’s question. It was tricky, but it was the only weapon I had. At least it distracted him,
“This is priceless!” He laughed. “Even without your inhibition, you’re still trying to fight yourself? I’ve never seen such a chaotic creature in all my life!”
“The real me wouldn’t do this! The real me can keep his mouth shut!”
“I think you’ve spent quite enough time biting your tongue.” Discord’s teeth flashed. “I can’t wait until your friends finally get to see you for what you really are. We’ll find out how strong your ‘friendship’ is soon enough.”
“You (dastard)! Get back here!” But the draconequus was already dissolving into the hedges of the palace labyrinth.
“I think my work here is done.” He waved without looking back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a liar out of Applejack. Ta!”
“(Fie) you!” I scratched and bit at the wall, but it was no use. I had been in a horrific hit-and-run with a chaos deity. My arms fell to my sides.
“I can’t let them see me like this… Not like this… What if I spoil the ending? What if I change something? What if I give away a plot twist? What if I accidentally kiss Rarity? Ew!” My feet suddenly started pacing without my approval. It was like the ‘carnivore fiasco’ all over again, but this time, the stakes were much higher. I couldn’t hide my secrets any more. But this time, the risks involved the future of the world. What if the girls learned that I was from another world? Twilight would probably have a nerdgasm and Celestia would probably consider me as a representative of a rival world. What if I told them that I knew the future? Twilight would probably explode twice. Everypony else would fear me and doubt if my friendship was real or manipulative. What if I told them how to defeat Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra and Tirek?
“Then I’d ruin everything.” I gasped. “Even if it’s hard to tell in some seasons, the characters really go through a lot of growth. Especially Twilight. Without her struggles, she’d never learn. If she never learned, she’d never become the hero she needs to become. If she never became a hero, then Tirek’s going to eat the world like the fat(donkey) he is.”
“But you can’t leave now.” A different facet of me spoke up. “Discord’s winning even as we speak. He’s going to tear the group down until there’s nothing left and then he’s going to be invincible. Or so he thinks. In that moment where he’s most confident is where he makes his mistake. Once Twilight remembers how precious friendship is, she can start undoing his damage. You have to be there to make sure that happens! Too much is riding on chance at this point!”
“Well, what do you want me to do? Remind sunbutt to take all her letters and hit ‘return to sender’?”
“Stop talking to me like that! I’m you, (Richard)head! Your friends need you to keep the plot on track now more than ever.”
“But I can’t! Not as I am.”
“You’ll find a way. Besides, you promised Luna, remember?”
“Oh, right… God, she looked depressed staying behind.”
“We found a way to keep info from Discord once, we can do it with the girls.”
“I suppose… Just make sure your brain is faster than your tongue.”
“That’s what she said…”
“You’re a virgin! And that didn’t even make any sense!”
So I (me/we/us) decided to stay. I paced back and forth like a metronome, talking to myself and occasionally coughing up profanity. Discord took his sweet time with the girls, and I could practically envision them falling to his cruel tricks one-by-one. Unlike myself, they didn’t have anything taken away, (except for their wings and horns, but everypony would get their body parts back afterwards) but their real selves were suppressed. All except Twilight Sparkle… for the moment.
Finally, I heard the distant sound of a pegasus tearing through the sky and when I looked up, a rainbow-colored trail of light was retreating into the distance. Rules one and two had been broken simultaneously and the referee wasted no time calling it. All the hedges in the garden sunk into the ground like a glitched video game. All that remained behind was a large patch of dirt and dust with five little ponies in the middle of it.
And Discord.
“Well, well, well. Somepony broke the ‘no wings no magic’ rule.” He gloated. With a snap, the unicorns became unicorns again and Fluttershy got her wings back. “Game’s over my little ponies. You didn’t find your precious elements! Looks like we might be due for a big old storm of chaos!”
A wave of magic pulsed through the air and cotton candy clouds blossomed in the sky like mold. Discord summoned a bright pink umbrella and overextended it with the sound of a mewling cat. Lightning shredded the sky and the villain enjoyed his victory laugh. (No echo effects, though, so I’d call it a 7.5.)
But I knew as well as the draconequus that the game wasn’t really over. Not yet, anyways. There was still one pony who hadn’t been touched by Discord’s influence. One purple unicorn still stood between the embodiment of chaos and the peaceful world of Equestria. One pony still believed in the magic of friendship.
But not for long…