“I want to join the army,” said Limestone Pie.
I grinned. “You came to the right place.”
She glared at me. I grinned more and pushed an application across the desk.
She took a pencil and sat down to fill out the form. It only took a few seconds before she was back. “Here.”
I glanced at her responses.
Reason to join the army: I hate everypony.
Desired form of payment: Cocaine.
I raised an eyebrow. “Drugs?”
She pointed at her cutie mark. “Do you know why they call me Limestone? Look at my cutie mark. It’s a lime and rocks. Rocks of crack.”
“Is that why your attitude is so surly?”
“I’m a drug fiend. What do you think, moron?”
“Well, I can’t make payments in cocaine. I don’t have any, you see.”
Limestone ground her teeth. “Then what am I even doing here?”
“If I gave you drugs, would you mellow out?”
“Probably.”
“So why should I? I thought you wanted to be in the army to kick ass.”
“Money so I can buy my own would help.”
“What if we do random drug tests?”
“Would it really be random if I just told you that I’m a junkie?”
I shrugged. “I suppose not.”
And really, I had bigger problems. Like what I was doing for Nightmare Night.
The whole town was getting into the spirit. When I’d walked into the back room of the pub that morning, the girls minus Fluttershy were already telling spooky stories. Maud was also there, sitting beside Rarity.
“Are you getting ready for the shindig tonight?” Applejack asked as I came in.
“Nah. I have to make sure it’s a safe and fun family environment since I have a family now.”
Eyes went wide around the table. Twilight quickly said, “That’s very responsible of you.”
“I’m only doing it for your protection. This is my family we’re talking about.”
That wiped the look off her face.
Rarity got my attention. “Valiant, while you’re here, could you explain why Maud has come to visit and seems attached to me?”
“I told her that you had a hard salty shell.”
“I find that sexy,” said Maud.
Rarity frowned.
Fluttershy came in just then. The girls reacted with some degree of surprise.
“Fluttershy, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Twilight asked. “I know you usually lock yourself away during Nightmare Night.”
“I foolishly forgot to stock up on food for Angel and had to go out to get him something,” Fluttershy explained. “The pub has some food, and I decided you girls would most likely be here. I couldn't be out tonight.”
“You’re out right now,” said Pinkie. “Though, if you were back home the two of us could have some spooky fun together if you know what I mean.”
“Girls, I’ve decided to join you in your Nightmare Night festivities,” Fluttershy announced.
“We’ll have to get you a costume!” Rarity exclaimed. While she didn’t have quite a whole selection squirreled away in the meeting room, there was enough for her to have Fluttershy try a few on.
She complained an awful lot about getting a free costume. “What if we encounter something terrifying and need to get away quickly? All those layers could slow me down, or worse, make me trip. Masks can just be so difficult to see out of. What if somepony were to leap out in front of me, I’d never have the chance to defend myself.”
“Got it covered.” I tapped my earpiece. “Tin Mare, escort Fluttershy tonight and make sure nothing happens to her. Any threats, turn ‘em into a grease spot.”
“That sounds violent and unnecessary,” said Fluttershy.
“You hear that, Tin Mare? Make sure it’s violent and unnecessary.”
“Hella.”
With that resolved, I left to go do Valiant things. Outside the meeting room, I saw Guinness polishing glasses. Limestone was slumped on a table across the room.
“What’s up with her?” I asked.
Guinness smiled briefly. “The Lime’s in the coke, you nut. But seriously, I’m really concerned. If it wasn’t legal here, I’d have already called some help.”
“Eh, she got a cutie mark for it. I’m sure she’s fine.”
I left the pub and headed back to my place. Sunset and Trixie were gearing up for Nightmare Night. Both of them wore Guard armor. I didn’t ask where they got the costumes.
Cordoba, through careful use of accessories, had decided to go as me. I was touched.
Despite only devoting a two-sentence paragraph to the subject, I honestly was rather moved by the gesture.
“Is Daring coming?” I asked Trixie.
“No.” She frowned. “I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately.”
I remembered the promise I’d made Daring once. I wondered if she remembered it too.
As the night drew on, we went out to socialize. We met the girls coming down the street. Applejack was a lion, Pinkie was an ‘80s-something roller skater, Rainbow was an astronaut which I personally took credit for being the inspiration even if Rainbow didn’t realize it, Rarity was a mermare, Maud was a rock, and Twilight was a Guard. Her costume wasn’t as good as Sunset’s, probably because since Shining Armor wasn’t a member anymore Twilight couldn’t get the hookup.
Maud was riding Rarity’s ass pretty closely. I caught Rarity’s eye. Under her breath she told me, “I’m a little uncomfortable with this kind of affection from another mare, even though she did say she finds me sexy.”
I glanced away from Maud x Rarity to Maud’s sister. Pinkie was riding Fluttershy’s ass pretty closely. A lot more literally, too. Despite the phrase “Pinkie Pie on roller skates” sounding like a euphuism for something, she seemed thrilled that Fluttershy had actually decided to join the Nightmare Night party.
Fluttershy had eventually consented to wear vampire teeth for a costume. It didn’t pose any danger she could see, and in fact might have actually increased her defense somewhat. Her talking didn’t seem impeded, either.
Or as Pinkie put it, “She’s used to having things in her mouth.”
Thanks for that, Pinkie.
We saw some other residents out and about, enjoying the night and the full moon. Down the street, Rainbow spotted the new Wonderbolts team. They were in their uniforms, so it was like they kind of got dressed up, I suppose.
One of them was staring at me. Firefly, if I remembered correctly. She was pink with a blue mane.
I didn’t like the way she was staring. “I’m going to go knock some sense into Firefly.”
“No!” Rainbow shouted. “I’m not going to let you touch another Wonderbolt.”
“Fine. I won’t. Tin Mare?”
“Ready.”
“Drop inert.”
Thud.
A bomb landed on Firefly but didn’t explode. Knocked some sense into her too, I’ll bet.
That done, we went to the haunted farm thing that Applejack’s family had set up. It was pretty boring. I got distracted by the ghosts. I wasn’t sure why they seemed to be bipedal.
Applejack, who knew about the haunted maze and was therefore even more not scared than the others, used the claws on her lion suit to scratch herself. She glanced around. “I reckon if we wanted to turn up the scariness a little we could go caving underneath the orchard.”
“Since when do you have caves down there?” Rarity asked.
Applejack shrugged. “Search me. Crusaders musta dug ‘em.”
“I don’t like that idea,” said Fluttershy.
So instead we went back to the library to play Pin the Horn on Nightmare Moon.
“Is Luna okay with this?” I asked.
“Since when have you cared what Princesses are okay with?” asked Sunset.
I laughed. “Oh yeah.”
Twilight had looked extra neurotic throughout the evening. Figuring it would be good for a giggle, I went over to find out why.
“I’m just thinking about tomorrow,” she said. “The holidays will be over and then the army of cutie markless ponies might be close enough to start threatening us.”
“I mean, you could always, you know, man up and learn to drive a tank so you can do something about it.”
“Or we could do like we’ve always done and use friendship,” she shot back.
“Sure, sure. Have you ever tried it on thousands of enemies at once?”
No, no she hadn’t and we both knew it.
“Well, we still have the rainbow power,” Twilight remembered.
“And it’s been how long since you’ve even practiced with that?”
Twilight gave me a look and didn’t reply.
We eventually got bored with games. Pinkie mentioned a party at Sugarcube Corner. We couldn’t not go to that. On the way, we passed the pub where Limestone was still snorting.
Pinkie pumped a hoof in the air and cheered, “Do a line of coke, you nut!”