"Greetings one and all, everypony! Equestria's most chaotic Draconequus, Discord speaking! Welcome once more to the illustrious, or infamous, depending on who you are, Discord Underground Talk Radio!
"Did you know, my loyal audience, that some ponies are beginning to come up with wild conspiracy theories that I am conjuring an enormous illusion of a dragon into the sky in order to scare everypony into doing something for me? I find that these accusations are quite simply ridiculous. There is nothing that ponies have that I want that I don't have already. What have I to gain by trying to scare everypony, other than the wrath of Equestria's princesses? And furthermore, the ponies that came up with the idea are rather unimaginative. If I wanted to scare everypony, it would be working much better than how everypony seems to be reacting to Bahamut.
"Would you like to hear about a real conspiracy? I've come to realize something recently. I was once of the belief that apples were the most widespread and successful crop in Equestria, but, depending on how you view things, this might not be true after all, particularly in towns and cities with a higher concentration of ponies.
"I recently decided to slip inside a department store in Manehatten, just to see what it was like inside. I don't actually need to buy anything of course, I was just curious about what sort of things ponies in Manehatten buy. And I wandered down the juice aisle. And that was when I realized something.
"I don't know what it is with cranberries, but they're getting in all of the other juices!
"There was cran-apple, cranberry-strawberry, cran-grape, cran-apple-pineapple, cran-cherry, cran-mango, cran-apple-orange, cran-melon, cran-carrot, everything you could come up with. Although, strangely enough, the selection of actual cranberries was quite limited!
"Somepony out there has been building a cranberry monopoly from under our noses! How did nopony notice? Somepony who almost certainly has cranberries for a cutie mark has probably been talking with all the big producers and saying 'Let's combine our products and split the profits fifty-fifty!' And now they've covertly borrowed from the success of every other fruit farmer out there, and overall become much more successful than any one of the others, and nopony noticed!
"It's all a conspiracy for cranberry farmers to take over the entire fruit industry, I tell you!
"Anyway, that's enough of that. I'm sure that everypony out their is fervently awaiting my marvelously wise answers to the questions I have received for this week, so I am happy to oblige!"
"The first question of the day is as follows. 'Dear Discord. I heard a rumor that you are, frankly, completely insane. Is this true?'
"This is a question that I feel I ought to have addressed long ago. The answer is 'yes'. You see, to be insane is to perceive the world around you as something other than reality. My policy is to always assume that I am insane. That way, if I think I am insane and I really am not, then I am perceiving my situation as different than reality, and then suddenly I am right in thinking that I am insane. But if I think that I am insane and in reality I am insane, then I can trust my own judgment. Thus, I am insane.
"This is a much better policy than the policy that most ponies follow, which is to assume that you are sane unless otherwise proven wrong. That policy doesn't work. Ponies like that have no way of actually knowing when they do become insane, and once they are insane, their insanity cannot be proven to them. After all, only one thing in whole world is absolutely certain, and that is that nothing is certain.
"You know, there are many ponies in Equestria today who, to no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to those of us who are out of our tiny little minds to try to help these ponies overcome their sanity.
"You can start in small ways with Ping-Pong ball eyes and a funny voice. And then you can paint half of your body the color opposite of your natural coat color. And then you can dance in your dinner and howl at the moon in the middle of the night. And then you can rearrange your friend's bookshelves in random order. And then, if you get that far, then you should be able to figure out the rest.
"Now then, what does our next question have in store for us? 'Dear Discord. So, is 'draconequus' your real species name or is that just something the pony dominated establishment made up just so they'd have a nice, neat label to slap on you? And if 'draconequus' isn't your real species name, then what is?'
"I believe the name 'draconequus' is supposed to indicate two species which I share traits with, those being drakes, or dragons, as well as equines. I don't understand why they chose to refer to me by those two names and not by any other creatures that I resemble, but I don't care very much about what ponies chose to call my species. After all, names are determined by what the majority believes the name should be, and the majority of ponies call me a draconequus. There are many names that would be just as accurate if used to describe me, but draconequus is the only one that other ponies would immediately understand.
"If you ask me, I don't think I require a species name at all in the first place, considering how I am the only draconequus around. 'Discord' and 'draconequus' both refer to the same thing. Me.
"I suppose in the event that another draconequus is discovered, the term 'draconequus' would then take on a different meaning. But I don't think that is ever going to happen.
"The next letter says, 'Sup Dissy. I've always wanted to know, just how does Princess Celestia and Luna's hair float around like that? I ask only because I'd always assumed it was an alicorn only thing but when I first saw Princess Mi Amaro... Me Amoray... Cadance, I noticed her hair doesn't flow like that, and I've heard that the new Princess Twilight's hair doesn't either. Now I wonder, is it possible for pegasi to get that (and other ponies I guess)? Because I would look so bu-"
BEEP
"Oh dear. Why, it would appear as though my recording device has malfunctioned for some strange reason. How curious.
"Now then, in answer to your question, I'm sorry but I have to disappoint you. You see, throughout the whole universe, there are teeny tiny little things that are so small that there is normally no way of detecting them whatsoever. And there are a hundred bajillion of these things shooting through every inch of Equestria every second.
"However, a curious side effect of this on alicorns who control sun or the night is that you can see the 'wind' created by the flow of these 'things' as they go shooting by. One can see the solar wind blowing through Celestia's mane, and you can see a sort of cosmic wind blow through Luna's mane. Celestia and Luna could use magic to prevent this if they choose, but they usually don't.
"The next letter reads, "Dear Discord, what is your opinion on changelings, and did you change the Flutter ponies into Changelings? P.S. do you get along with Princess Cadance because love is chaotic?'
"I must confess that the changelings are a complete mystery to me. They came into Equestria some time after my first imprisonment, so I certainly did not have anything to do with their appearance. It is possible that residual chaos magic is somehow responsible for their appearance in Equestria, but I have no proof, and I am not actually sure that that is what brought the changelings to Equestria in the first place. If anypony knows how they came to Equestria, it would be their queen, but she is not open for questioning.
"Now, to answer the second question, I do agree, love is chaotic. But love is also harmonic. And cruel. And inspiring. And confusing. In fact, you probably have to think harder to think of terms that describe what love isn't. And to be quite frank, I don't pretend to understand it. That would be highly audacious of me, don't you think?
"Also, have you seen what Cadence did to Sombra? You probably haven't, but let's just say I'm even more scared of 'love' than I am the elements of harmony.
"Next question. A fairly short and straight to the point one, at that. 'Dear Discord, what is your favorite color and why?'
"I suppose if you mean one solid, unchanging color, I have to go with white, because with white, you have a blank slate. You can make it into whatever you want it to be, unlike the color black, which so adamantly resists change.
"However, I must confess, I do have a weakness for rainbows. While rainbows are traditional symbols of harmony, I see something a little more when I look into a rainbow. I see many different colors, all representing many different things, and all are in a nice and neat row, with none of them overlapping. Each color co-exists in harmony with its neighbors.
"But what you ponies don't see is that there are a couple more colors that exist in your rainbows, that you are inheritantly incapable of seeing with your naked eye. Now, what do they represent?
"To be perfectly honest with you, I haven't the faintest idea. They probably don't mean anything. After all, meaning is given by the observer, and most ponies are unaware of those colors.
"But it is fun to think about it, and guess at what they could mean.
"Don't ask what those colors look like, by the way. They are as indescribable as any color would be to creatures who cannot see them.
"Next question. 'Dear Discord, I once heard somepony say a world without string is chaos. Your thoughts?'
"The world is in chaos with or without string, but you are correct, a world without string is even more chaotic than a world with string. A lack of string could result in riots and mansions falling apart, among other things.
"But I think cheese would be an acceptable substitute.
"This letter reads, 'Dear Discord, should we pay the ferrymare? Or is there some way of sneaking aboard without its knowledge?'
"If this letter is referring to what I think it is... You are a morbid pony, my dear writer.
"Alright, listen up. The ferrymare keeps a tip jar next to the ferry. You didn't hear this from me, one thing that the ferrymare cares about as much as doing it's job effectively is keeping it's ferry in ship-shape. If the ferry were to somehow get dirty... Well, the ferrymare just might be distracted long enough for you to 'borrow' from that tip jar.
"Alright then, sooooo... This question reads, 'Dear Discord. What are your feelings on make up (aka beauty products) and gender?'
"I have no problem with anypony of any gender using makeup. The choice to use makeup is a part of who a pony is, and although makeup disguises a pony's true self, there is nothing wrong with desiring to express one's self as one wishes.
"Next letter. 'Dear Discord. Are you capable of interdimensional travel? Also, what may be the best possible way to deal with a horde of buffalo?'
"Technically, I am permanently confined to my current plane of existence, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't another Discord in another dimension. If that were the case though, I am unaware of it.
"As for the best way to deal with a horde of buffalo? I used to think that teaching them to dance was a pretty good way of dealing with them, but evidently bargaining with them is also a possibility.
"Just don't ask Pinkie Pie for advise on the subject.
"Another question. 'Dear Doctor Discord, Duke of deception. I have to ask, would you be able to take a town, say, Ponyville, and make the dirt, paths, and floors all into spaces of a town-sized, very scrambled board game, and move the buildings?'
"That sounds like a delightful idea to me. Not that I have a problem with a miniature version of a game board, but because ponies would focus so much better on the game if they were to feel invested in it, and what better way to do that than to use their very homes? I might have a problem getting ponies to play along voluntarily though, particularly since it would ruin the game if I told them what the rules were beforehoof, and if I don't tell them the rules, they won't be willing to play.
"This letter reads, 'Dear Discord, what advice would you have for a manticore like me trying to avoid three young ponies who keep coming into the Everfree? They are driving me crazy, and I have no way of getting rid of them, as acting threatening only encourages them to chase me with nets.'
"This is clearly a ploy to try to fool old Discord. The notion that this letter could have been written by a manticore is ridiculous. So, I must advise you to-"
*Grrrrrr*
"... It would appear as though a manticore has somehow slipped into my secret hiding place. With a net tangled into its mane. Is this somepony's idea of a joke?"
*RAWWWR!*
"Yeagh! What are you doing? Do you not know who I am?"
*RAWR!*
"Stop it! Don't you know that I could simply teleport you miles away and be done with you?"
*RAWR!*
"Yikes! Er, I'm out of here!
*POP*
"Flutteryshy!"
*Knock knock knock knock*
"Fluttershy! I have a problem! Open up open up open up!"
"Hold on!"
*Creak*
"Discord! Whatever is the matter!"
*SLAM*
"Oh, Fluttershy! It was horrible! There is a furious beast after me, Fluttershy! Please tell him to leave me alone!"
"Why would a beast be after you?!"
"I don't know!"
*RAWR!*
"It has found me, Fluttershy! That manticore won't leave me alone! How did it find me so fast?"
"He... appears to have a hoofheld radio, Discord."
"Oh. ... Oh dear. Everypony has been hearing everything! How embarrassing!"
*GRRRR*
"I could have dealt with this manticore myself of course..."
*RAWRRR*
"It's waiting at the door like a cat waiting at a mouse hole! Tell him to leave me alone!"
"Can you please unwrap yourself from me, Discord?"
"... Yes."
...
*Creak*
...
"Discord?"
"Yes, Fluttershy? Is the manticore gone?"
"No. But he isn't happy with you."
"I figured that out! Please get rid of him!"
"He says that you're the reason that creatures like him can't interact with others without them screaming in terror."
"That's not what I gathered from the letter he sent me!"
"He sent you a letter?"
"Um, yes. He did. Here, take a look."
...
"I see."
"It's not my fault that ponies are scared of manticores! That's the fault of the ponies! If three of them have overcome their fear of manticores enough to chase him around, I would say that's an improvement!"
"I'll need to have a word with those three."
"What for?"
"Because they are going into the Everfree Forest alone again! It's not safe!"
"There he is! In front of Fluttershy's cottage!"
"Let's get him, Cutie Mark Crusaders Manticore Tamers!"
"There he goes! He's running away again!"
...
"Discord, he ran away."
"Good!"
"The poor thing. We should do something for him."
"Alright, sure. We'll get that sorted out as soon as possible. But, um... Well, now that that is all done with, I need to go back and wrap up the- show."
"Discord... Is your voice still being recorded for your radio show?"
"What! Oh! Well, um... you know, maybe I should leave before-"
"Wait! I'm not trying to throw you out!"
"Fluttershy, there are a lot of ponies listening to us right now. Wouldn't you rather I bounce?"
"But Discord... I don't want your show to be ruined!"
"Ruined?"
"The way that the manticore scared you in front of your audience. But now, since you're here, you can talk with me and you won't have come all the way here for nothing."
"Now hold on a minute, I wasn't scared. I was... concerned. I could have dealt with the manticore with a snap of my fingers. But... I figured that the outcome would be more acceptable if I came to you for advice."
"Which goes to show how far you've come in your friendship, Discord."
"Fluuuutershy, not right now! Okay, fine, give me a second to summon the letters concerning you."
"Me?"
"Sure. Lots of ponies adore you, even if you don't know them.
Snap
"Alright, alright, so these letters were written to me, so that is why they are addressed to me, but you can answer them for me. This first one says, "Dear Discord. Did you know that your friend Fluttershy used to model? She was incredible! She didn't stay with it for very long, unfortunately. Do you think that you could ask her if she would ever reconsider it for me?' "
"Go back to modeling? Oh, no! I... I couldn't do that."
"Are you sure? Apparently there are ponies who thought that you did a fantastic job."
"It's not because I thought I was doing a bad job. I don't want to talk about it. Can we try a different question, please?"
"Okay. Let me find another one here."
...
"Hey, by the way Fluttershy, perhaps you could show me some photos from when you modeled?"
"Eep!"
"Erm... Everypony else, mind your own business."
...
"Alright, here's another one that has your name in it. This one says, 'Dear Discord. Do you refrain from causing chaos when you visit your friend Fluttershy? Or does she put up with it? If she does, why do you think she does it?' "
"Why, you're perfectly well behaved when you visit Discord! Well, Angel doesn't seem to think so, but I understand that it would be cruel for me to not let you be yourself! Just as long as you keep from scaring the critters!
"And Discord can be plenty of fun when I go along with what he wants to do too! Like when you want to play hide and seek with me, you transform yourself into an object from around the house, like a tea mug, or a chair, or even my refrigerator once, and I have to try and figure out where you are! Hah, I still don't have any idea how I didn't realize that I suddenly had a second refrigerator, that one time!"
"Erm, okay, moving on, this next letter, the pony says... Oh, no, wait. Maybe I shouldn't read this one."
"Why not, Discord? Is it embarrassing?"
"No, not really, but... Well, alright, I'll read it. 'Dear Discord. I used to be acquainted with Fluttershy a long time ago when she lived in Cloudsdale. I wasn't her friend or anything, but I still cannot believe that I used to know somepony who went on to do what she has done. But, my question to you is, how does it feel to be the only friend that Fluttershy has ever sought out herself?
"Flutteryshy... What does that mean?"
"The only friend I've ever made myself? But have several friends!"
"But how many friends did you make by walking up to them and asking to be their friend?"
"Oh! Well, Rainbow Dash... asked to be my friend. I didn't ask to be hers. I don't know why she singled me out, but she did, and decided that she would be my friend. Not that I'm not eternally grateful!
"And then Pinkie Pie was next... But that was because I met her when she adopted Gummy. And Rarity and Applejack I initially met when they brought their pets to me for checkups... Almost everypony I'm friends with in Ponyville, I met like that, actually. I became friends with Twilight on the day of the Summer Sun Celebration, but neither of us asked to be friends. It just... happened. I think that the pony who wrote that letter might be right. All of my friends other than you might have been made because of circumstances, and in spite of my behavior...
"OH! Spike! I made friends with Spike all by myself! I was the one that started talking to him!"
"Hold on, Fluttershy. You are saying that the only friends that you actually asked for are Spike and myself?"
"Well, yes. I suppose so. But that's okay, right? Everypony else is still my friend too!"
"Well... Fluttershy, I don't actually know how to express how that makes me feel. I guess I feel... Honored. Even more-so than I was before.
"However, Fluttershy, I think I've had enough, actually. I'm happy that you decided to answer some questions for me, but it's time for me to end the radio show."
"Oh, well okay. Did I do a good job?"
"You have exceeded my expectations, Fluttershy. And now there is only one question left that I want answered."
*Creak*
"What are you doing eavesdropping at Fluttershy's door, Twilight?"
"I- I heard what you were up to on the radio, Discord. I came here to ensure that you didn't try to make a fool of Fluttershy on your radio show!"
"And I decided to come along!"
"Pinkie?"
"That's me!"
"Discord, you need to come with me right now."
"Right now? But I haven't even signed off of my show!"
"You're coming right now Discord, we don't have time for that."
*Rattle*
"Hey! What did you do that for? I need to cut the broadcast on that thing, and I can't do that until I've signed off!"
"Pinkie, would you mind signing off for Discord while I take him to go have a talk?
"Okie Dokie!"
"Helloooooo Equestria! Discord is suddenly having to leave, so today your bye-bye will be given by Pinkie Pie! You've been listening to Discord talk to his radio thingy underground. Except I guess he wasn't underground when he came to Fluttershy's place. He'll probably have more goofy words for you next week. I hope he does. I don't actually know if he will, I didn't ask, and now he's gone. But I think he probably will!"
"Oh yeah! And doesn't Discord usually put his show on a loop every two hours or so? He'll probably do that too. Or maybe he won't. I hope he's not mad at us. Anyway, I hope everypony out there has a wonderful week full of smiles and happiness! And everyone else too!"
"So, this is the part where the show is supposed to end, right? How does he turn this thing off?"
BEEP
"Oh, sorry! Wow, I didn't know that that would happen if I put the microphone so close to the place where the sounds come out! Um, is it this doohickey here?"