//------------------------------//
// Chapter 45: Turnabout Ponies 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

	“Well, it’s not like we didn’t expect this.”
Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Wits sat in one of the courthouse lobbies. Shortly after the group had split up, a messenger from the castle had caught up with them, summoning them to the courthouse. The reasoning was simple: the three of them were to act as defendants of Purple Heart’s claim to victory over Grim Hammer.
“I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon,” Twilight continued, glancing at the two guards stationed by the door. “I thought we’d have at least a day before we’d have to do anything like this.”
“In Equestria, we probably would,” Wits End mused. He stood, stretched, and started pacing back and forth in front of the seated mares. “There’s two possible reasons for that. Somepony could’ve been expecting this, and jumped at the chance when the moment presented itself. We could be looking at the tip of a much deeper iceberg of intrigue.”
Rarity frowned, and four legs curled under her on the couch. “And the other possibility?”
Wits End shrugged. “Discord got lazy and decided to skip the boring parts.”
“Oh…” Rarity sighed. “I always forget that this whole fiasco is just a game of his. Do you think he’ll ever catch on that we are not amused by any of this?”
“I was wondering about that myself,” Twilight muttered.
Wits stopped pacing and turned to face the alicorn mare. “Oh? Do tell. I love a good theory.”
“Well, doesn’t it seem like this is becoming less of a game?” Twilight motioned at their current surroundings. “I mean, when we started off, it seemed like a fairly direct version of the Caverns & Cutie Marks ruleset. But ever since we arrived here in Gallopilli, it’s become a lot less game-like and a lot more… I guess realistic? There doesn’t seem to be any turns anymore and the setting has become a lot darker.”
Now it was Wits’ turn to frown. “So now that we’re getting a hang of the game, Discord’s changing the rules on us? That’s a jerk move, even for him”
“I thought the point of this was for us to have fun!” Rarity exclaimed, laying back on the couch cushions. “How is a pony suppose to have fun when she’s in danger of dirt and bugs and barbarous barbers who think the height of haute couture is a shaved mane? This whole world is terrible!”
Wits’ mouth went from a frown to a straight line across his face. “Priorities got a little mixed up there?”
“Whatever do you mean, darling?”
“...Never mind.”
“Defendants of Purple Heart?” The bailiff pony at the door motioned to the three of them. “Your time in court is coming up.”
“Here we go…” Twilight muttered, hopping off the couch as the three ponies filed into the courtroom. The bailiff let the mares through, but held out a hoof as Wits approached.
“Sorry miss.” the bailiff said plainly. “No hats allowed in the courtroom.”
Wits End blinked slowly. “I’m not a- Never mind.” He took off his peaked cap and hung it on a nearby rack. Once the bailiff let him through, the mint-colored unicorn took a seat behind the defense’s bench, next to Rarity. “I changed my mind,” he muttered to the fashionista. “You’re right. This world is terrible.”
The courtroom had a high, vaulting ceiling, with the judge’s bench dominating one wall. Several rows of tiered seats took up the two side walls, which were packed with ponies of various ranks of nobility. Those ponies talked amongst each other, occasionally looking down at the three of them.
More toward the middle of the room were two benches set up facing each other, each one smaller than the judge’s. Between them sat a witness stand, where everypony in the room would be able to both see and hear the witness. Seated at the bench opposite Wits and the mares sat a single stallion: a tan earth pony with a spiked black mane, dressed in a blue suit, and wearing a plain white mask over his face. When the stallion noticed Wits End staring at him, he nodded his head. “Sup?”
Before Wits End could respond, the judge entered the courtroom and took his seat at the head of the room. His shaved head made his horn more prominent, and his long, grey beard gave him a distinguished air, if a bit naive. “The court is now in session,” he said, his voice silencing the mutterings of the gathered onlookers. “Judge Copper Scales presiding. The goal of this court is to determine the validity of gladiator Purple Heart’s victory over his fellow fighter, Grim Hammer. Is the prosecution ready, mister Phoenix Cry?”
“It is, Mr. Your Honor,” the masked stallion replied.
The judge turned to the defendant’s bench. “Is the defence ready, mister…”
Wits End stepped forward. “Wits End, ace attorney, and co-counsel Rarity. We’re ready, Your Honor.”
The judge nodded. “Very well. We’ll move on to the opening statements. Mister Phoenix; you may begin.”
“Thanks, Judgy.” Phoenix slammed his forehoof on the bench. “The prosecution intends to show that Purple Heart had already been defeated well before Grim Hammer’s surrender!” He leaned back, his stance radiated the smugness that couldn’t be transmitted through his mask.
Wits End shook his head. “Your Honor. The defence will show that Grim Hammer’s surrender is fully valid, and that Purple Heart’s victory, and resulting freedom, is completely justified.”
“Very well.” The judge banged his gavel. “We shall move on to the first witness. Does either party have a witness who can attest to the events in question?”
“The defence does, Your Honor,” Wits End said, “The defence would like to call Princess Twilight Sparkle to the stand.”
Twilight blinked. “What.” Before she could react, the bailiff escorted her to the witness’ stand.
The judge looked down at the stunned alicorn. “Will the witness state her full name for the court?”
Twilight swallowed hard, eyes flicking around the room nervously. She settled on Wits End, who was giving her a grin and what would’ve been a thumbs-up if he had thumbs. After a deep breath, she looked out at the court. “I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship.”
The audience of ponies let out a collective gasp as Twilight flared her wings dramatically. The muttering was silenced by a bang of the judge’s gavel. “Order! Mister End, you may begin questioning the witness.”
“Thank you, Your Honor.” Wits shot Twilight one last grin before setting a serious expression on his face. “Princess Twilight. You were present during the fight between Purple Heart and Grim Hammer, correct?” Twilight nodded, and Wits End continued. “Would you please describe to the court, in your own words, what happened?”



* * *


“...and when Purple Heart was blown through the wall, we left to go wait at the infirmary for him.” Twilight sighed, finishing her story. “Of course, we didn’t know that the room he’d been blown into was  the infirmary, but we found out where we got there.”
Wits End nodded. “As I’m sure the court can agree,” he said, addressing the room, “the question is obviously not whether a fight took place. Princess Twilight’s testimony has shown that both parties indeed fought according to the coliseum’s rules, and Purple Heart fought valiantly against his opponent. His current state in the infirmary is proof of that.” He tapped the bench with his forehoof. “The defence believes this leaves no question as to Purple Heart’s victory over-”
“OBJECTION!” Phoenix pointed a forehoof over his bench. “I haven’t even gotten to do my job yet!”
Wits End grinned. “Is the prosecution questioning the word of an alicorn princess?”
Phoenix physically recoiled as the audience started murmuring. “N-no, but…” He straightened, taking on a more aggressive stance. “The question isn’t what the princess saw, but what she didn’t see!”
Wits End frowned. Uh-oh, he thought.
“Princess New Moon.”
“Twilight,” Twilight corrected.
“Princess Twilight.” Phoenix continued as if nothing had happened. “Did you or did you not witness Grim Hammer’s surrender to Purple Heart?”
Double uh-oh, Wits thought.
Twilight glanced around nervously. “Well… not exactly. The first I heard of it was when Wits- I mean Mister End told us.”
“Mister End?” The judge turned to Wits, one eyebrow raised. “Care to explain that?”
Wits End forced his initial panic down and shook his head with a casual air. “There’s not much to explain. I was simply the first one to reach the princess and her companions after Grim Hammer’s surrender.”
Phoenix slammed his hoof against the bench. “And where’s your proof that he surrendered, Endsworth? How do we know you’re not lying like a Lamia-fur rug?”
“HOLD IT!” Wits glared across at the masked prosecutor. “You can ask any other the hundreds of other ponies that watched that fight! Grim Hammer announced his surrender loud and clear for everypony to hear!”
“Well we’ll certainly find out, now won’t we?” Phoenix turned to the judge’s bench. “Your McHonorston! The prosecution has no further questions for Princess Eclipse, and would like to call the next witness to the stand!”


* * *


The austere grey stallion stood in witness’ stand, his bronze medallion hanging about his neck. Phoenix tapped his sheaf of papers with the back of his forehoof, his stance relaxed. “Would you please state your name and occupation for the court?”
“Melee Glorious,” the grey stallion responded. “Master of the Coliseum. I run the bouts and games for the entertainment of the commons and the royals.”
Phoenix set his papers down. “Mister Glorious. Did you watch the fight between Purple Heart and Grim Hammer?”
Melee nodded. “It is my policy to watch the fights of any gladiators fighting for their freedom.” His already stern expression hardened even further. “Somepony should remember their last moments should they fail.”
The silence in the courtroom was more deafening than any scream. “S-so,” Phoenix continued, “would you say that Princess Breaking Dawn’s-”
“Twilight,” the purple alicorn grumbled through clenched teeth, “Sparkle.”
“-testimony up to her leaving the viewing area is accurate?”
Another curt nod from Melee Glorious. “I have some notes on both gladiators’ fighting styles, but from the viewpoint of a non-combatant, then yes.” An unusual glint sparkled in the stallion’s eye. “I can go over them in detail now if you want.”
“That… won’t be necessary, Mister Glorious,” Phoenix said quickly. “I have only one further question for you. Did Grim Hammer, at any point, surrender the match?”
Melee Glorious blinked. “Yes.”
Phoenix was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry?”
The grey stallion blinked again. “I said yes. Grim Hammer surrendered the match.”
The masked prosecutor looked like the master gladiator had leaped over the bench and kicked him right in the stomach. Finally, he regained enough composure to respond. “C-couldja elaborate a little bit on that?”
Melee nodded. “It was almost immediately after Purple Heart was knocked through the wall. This little fool,” he jerked his forehoof at Wits End, who waved cheerfully back, “ran out into the arena to yell at Grim Hammer; flames and all.” He chuckled; a truly terrifying experience for everypony. “It was both brave and incredibly stupid of him. He went on about how Hammer’d cheated. Made enough sense to get some of the non-combatants to agree with him. Then Hammer admitted the pipsqueak was right, said he forfeited the match to Purple Heart, and disintegrated into ashes.”
The judge was staring down at Melee, a confused and worried look under his beard. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright, Mister Glorious?”
“Your Honor,” Rarity cut in. “We live in a world where roughly a third of ponies are fully capable of magic at any time they so desire. The method Grim Hammer used to leave the arena, magical or not, is hardly the focus of this court, is it?”
After a moment, the judge shook his head. “No, no I suppose it’s not. Mister Phoenix, do you agree with the defendant’s co-counsel?”
Phoenix was slumped over his bench, sighing heavily. Suddenly, he perked up, slamming his hooves on the bench. “Actually, Honormeister, I think it’s complete bogus! Mister Glorious’ testimony cannot possibly be an accurate reflection of the truth!” He folded his forelegs over his chest. “Spells required to perform a transformation of that caliber would take an enormous amount of energy, and that much energy would be dampened by the coliseum’s magical wards! Either the wards would have to have been tampered with, or Grim Hammer would have to be a mage more powerful than Roania’s seen in years!”
“Hmm.” The judge thought for a moment. “That is true. Both of those situations are surely impossible. I’m sorry, Mister Glorious, but your testimony cannot be accepted into this court due to its infeasibility.”
“I- Wha- Hey!” Wits pounded a hoof on his bench. “I object! That’s… objectionable! For reasons! The prosecution was the one who called the witness to the stand! They can’t just dismiss them when their testimony doesn’t match up!”
“Ordinarily, you would be correct, Mister End,” the judge said slowly, looking out over the disgruntled spectators surrounding the courtroom. “However, the court agrees that the testimony provided is unacceptable. Mister Phoenix will be penalized for failing to screen his witnesses more carefully, but testimony to back up the claim that Grim Hammer surrendered the match will have to come from somepony else.” The judge paused for a moment before raising his gavel. “The court shall take a short recess until a new, more accurate witness can be found.” The gavel fell, and the audience exploded into murmuring.


* * *


“So close!” Twilight moaned. The three of them were back in the lobby. “If Melee hadn’t added in the transformation spell part, we would’ve won the case already!”
“That Phoenix managed to use it to his advantage too.” Wits bit his lower lip as he paced. “If the next witness says the same thing, the judge will probably throw that out too. This case could go on for days, so long as the judge keeps denying Grim Hammer’s disappearance.” He sighed. “We’ve got to finish this right here, right now, before Phoenix can recoup his losses and come at this from another angle.”
Rarity watched the stallion as he tried his hardest to wear a circular groove in the carpet. “Honestly, darling, I’m surprised we’ve gotten this far. You seemed like you knew a lot more than I expected in there.”
“I’m a nerd,” Wits End said flatly. “I’ve got a shallow depth in a broad range of topics. Do you know what happens if a 100-foot meteor made of diamond hit our planet at near the speed of light?”
Rarity hesitated for a moment. “Something fabulous?”
“For certain, highly destructive, end-of-the-solar-system-as-we-know-it definitions of fabulous, sure.”
“Let me guess,” Twilight said flatly. “Don’t hit our planet with a 100-foot meteor made of diamond at near the speed of light?”
Wits stopped pacing and stared at Twilight. “...Yes,” he said after a long pause. 
“Getting back to the matter at hoof,” Rarity said pointedly, “it seems like our problems could be solved if we knew what the prosecution’s next witness was going to say.”
“Sure,” Wits replied, resuming his pacing. “But we don’t. Even if the next witness served themselves up on a silver platter, it’s still Phoenix choosing them. We don’t have any say it that part.”
“What if we did?”
Wits End stopped pacing again. “What’re you suggesting?”
Rarity stepped off of the couch and flipped her mane. “I’m your co-counsel, aren’t I? If I have to leave for a moment to pick up something from our law offices, who’s to stop me?” She smiled coyly. “And, if a perfect witness happens to step forward, there’s no reason it’d be because I happened to bump into them while I was out, would it?”
Twilight frowned. “Are you suggesting we tamper with the justice system?”
“This is hardly a ‘justice’ system,” Wits scoffed. “Did you see the audience in there? This is the nobility’s real coliseum. They’re here for a show, not for justice.” He grinned. “So let’s give’m a show.”


* * *


Rarity hummed to herself as she trotted back into the courthouse. She’d left with the excuse that Wits had forgotten an important document, and wandered around the block for a couple of minutes. She’d even bought an important-looking folder and some papers to put in it to add some credence to her errand.
Now that she was in the main lobby again, she looked around at the collection of nobles waiting for the case to continue. Wits End had described one in particular that would be the best target before she left. As she surveyed the crowd, her eyes landed on a certain blue-grey stallion. Looks like Lord Just Duty is here as well, she thought. Given his friendship with that fool Light Patch, I’d say that he’s a much better choice for this role. She frowned. Then again, that friendship will be well known after all of their meetings.
The fashionista sighed and turned back to the crowd again. I guess I’ll just have to trust Wits End’s judgement on this noblepony. Now I just have to find him, she thought, scanning the clusters of ponies. He said it wouldn’t be too difficult, but maybe he’s wro- Oh dear.
She focused on particularly obese stallion, currently talking to a smaller, uncomfortable-looking noble. Rarity grit her teeth and crossed the room. “Pardon me, Lord Heavy Wait?”
The overweight lord turned, his chins rippling in response. “Yes? What is it?” he said curtly.
Rarity curtsied. “Please excuse my intrusion, my lord. I bring a message from Monsieur Wits End. If you have a moment-”
Heavy Wait’s eyes twinkled. “Aah, yes.” He waved a forehoof, dismissing the smaller noble who shot Rarity a thankful look before rushing away. “And what does he have to say? I hope he understands that if Purple Heart isn’t free, our deal is off?”
Rarity bit back the immediate question and settled on what Wits had told her to say. “Monsieur Wits End said to tell you that he would be ever so appreciative if you would offer your services as a witness to the prosecution.”
The obese stallion raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And why is that?”
“Monsieur Wits End… Monsieur Wits End said that if you could recount a more readily believable version of what happened, he would be able to secure Purple Heart’s freedom.” Rarity tried to close her ears to the heavy breathing coming from Heavy Wait. “He mentioned that your… deal would be irreparably damaged if Purple Heart were to somehow be mistaken for the loser.”
Heavy Wait stroked the foremost of his chins. After a moment, he spoke. “Tell ‘Monsieur’ Wits End that I expect a handsome commision for my part in this case.”
Rarity resisted the urge to grin at her victory. “Of course. Monsieur Wits End, and myself, thank you for your service.” She turned with a flip of her mane and trotted away, waiting until there were enough ponies between her and Heavy Wait to obscure her view to shudder. What a horrible man, she thought, setting her sights on where Wits and Twilight were seated. Still… it seems that our Mister End has been up to a few more tricks of his own that I’d thought.


* * *


Once again in the courtroom, the judge silenced the babbling audience with a bang of his gavel. “This court is called back to order. Mister Phoenix, I assume you’ve found a more suitable witness of the event?”
“I sure am, Your Honor-san-chan.” Phoenix waved a hoof dramatically at the witness stand. “Allow me to introduce the esteemed Lord Heavy Wait, who witnessed the whole thing from the noble’s box of the coliseum!”
Heavy Wait nodded—it was likely the closest he could get to a dramatic bow. “Indeed I did, Your Honor.”
The judge leaned back slightly in his chair, eyebrows narrowing at the obese stallion. “...Very well. I assume that you heard Melee Glorious’ account of the events, Lord Wait?”
“I did, Your Honor.” Heavy Wait sneared at where the austere grey stallion sat. “As flawed as it was at the end, his account was accurate until his... obvious hallucinations.”
“And what really happened in that arena, Lord Waitikins?” Phoenix asked, the smugness practically dripping from his mask.
Heavy Wait cleared his throat. “It’s simple, really. Mister End entered the arena to confront Grim Hammer’s cheating. I, of course, had thought the exact same thing when I saw it. Grim Hammer confessed to everything Mister End had accused him of and, fearing the consequences, fled the coliseum.” A throaty chuckle escaped his lips. “By hoof, of course. None of this nonsense of turning into dust. That would be ridiculous!”
The judge nodded. “I see, I see. That seems like a perfectly reasonable account of the events.”
Phoenix was far less pleased with the circumstances. “What? No! That’s not what you said-”
“What’s the matter, Mister Phoenix?” Wits End asked, leaning with one forehoof on the defence’s bench. “Seems like things just aren’t working out for you today, are they?” He shrugged and turned to the judge’s seat. “Your Honor, I believe there’s no reason to keep this farse going any longer.”
“I agree.” The judge looked down at Phoenix. “Do you have anything else to add, Mister Phoenix?” Phoenix didn’t speak; he only shook his head slowly as he slumped against his bench in defeat. “In that case, this court finds Purple Heart the rightful victor over Grim Hammer. Court adjourned.”
The moment the judge’s gavel banged, the courtroom erupted into noise; some cheering, some booing, other simply shouting their displeasure at what had been a relatively unexciting case. The bailiff escorted Twilight, Wits End, and Rarity outside. “Thank you for your time, ladies,” he said, waving a hoof at the defendants of the next case.
“I’m not a-” Wits cut himself off with a sigh, pulling his cap back on. “Whatever. We won the case.”
Twilight glanced around before responding. “Yeah, but you cheated to do it,” she hissed.
“To protect a friend in an unfair situation,” Wits End shot back with a surprising sharpness in his voice. “I don’t mess around when it comes to taking care of my friends. The fact that this court was little more than a waste of time just means I won’t lose any sleep over it.”
Twilight shook off the shock of the usually joking stallion’s sudden venom. “Is that another viewpoint common in wherever you three are from? Cheat the system as a whole to protect the few ponies you know personally?”
Wits End stopped for a moment. “As cliche as it may sound… It’s complicated. I won’t pretend to speak for everypony, but for me, if the system fails you, you do whatever it takes to protect those closest to you.” He sighed and shook his head. “I dunno,” he muttered. “It’s what works for me.”
“In any case,” Rarity interjected, “the point is that we succeeded! As soon as the other return, we should celebrate!”
Wits smirked. “Yeah. Ice cream after a court case. Sounds good to me.” He picked up his pace to keep up with the fashionista pony.
Twilight trailed behind, deep in thought. There’s something odd going on with the three of them, she mused.