//------------------------------//
// In Which Rainbow Dash Teaches Scootaloo Where Foals Come From 
// Story: The Bucket 
// by Incredible Blunderbolt 
//------------------------------//

"Do you think I'm sexy?"

Rarity nearly choked on her croissant. Twilight grimaced as she watched her cough and splutter while fanning her mouth with a hoof. A dozen ponies also eating their breakfast outside the cafe looked at her with mild concern, but said nothing. "Wh-what?"

Twilight frowned and looked down at the table and stirred her spoon around in her oatmeal. "Do you think I'm sexy?" she asked again, this time a tad slower. 

Rarity pressed her napkin over her mouth and closed her eyes as she started to regain control of her coughing fit. Through teary eyes, she looked back at the blurry mass of purple and shook her head. "I... What, darling?"

A groan escaped Twilight's lips as she leaned back. Her face was starting to turn noticeably pink. "Do you find me sexually appealing?" she asked with her eyes closed.

"Th-that's what I thought you said..."

Twilight looked at her expectantly, but Rarity just pursed her lips and looked away. The alicorn's ears fell as she watched. "I'm ugly, aren't I?" She poked her belly and sighed when her hoof met a yielding softness and sank into her. Years of too much time at the library and not enough time outside had clearly not benefited her as much physically as they had mentally. Still, she was within the average weight range for a mare her size. At least, she thought she was. "Am I fat?" she pleaded.

"Of course you aren't!" Rarity answered sharply. She looked around the dining area, her cheeks alight with a fierce blush. Of all the places Twilight had to bring up a topic like this, she groaned inwardly, it just had to be a public restaurant. "Twilight, dear, you're not fat at all!"

A scowl pulled at Twilight's lips. "Then why don't you find me sexy?" she demanded. "Is it my mane? My tail? Do I stink?"

"Twilight," Rarity protested, still waving her hoof to her face. Her heart beat furiously in her chest. She'd never in a million years thought she'd find herself in a situation like this.  "You're married!" she hissed. "Think of the scandal if we were to--"

"Huh?" Twilight said, blinking. She gave Rarity a searching look and raised her eyebrow. "What does me being married have to do with--Oh!" Twilight's eyes shot open and she shook her head emphatically. "Oh, you thought--No! No! No!"

Rarity bit her lip. Her eyes darted from side to side, checking for any potential eavesdroppers. "Then what in Equestria are we talking about?"

"Just what I said!" Twilight's hooves curled onto the table as she leaned in towards Rarity, a mere slip of a hoof away from faceplanting into her friend's tea. "Do you think I'm sexy or not?!"

"I-I really don't feel comfortable--"

"Rarity!" Twilight growled, fixing an frustrated glare into Rarity's eyes. "Rainbow Dash won't have sex with me!"

It was like Twilight had been waiting to deliver a final blow. One last surprise exclamation that would cause Rarity's thought processes to squeal to a grinding halt. She knew Twilight was sitting back down. She watched as her friend stared at her oatmeal with pink cheeks and sullen eyes. She saw Twilight's ears swivel back and forth, waiting for some sort of response. All of those things she saw, but none of them registered in her mind at all. Then, like a rubber band that had been stretched out over a long distance and let go, it all came rushing back to her at once.

Why didn't I visit Fluttershy today instead?

"Sh-she won't?" Rarity said, finally. She felt a sharp pain in her face and realized it had been pulled back in sheer horror. She cleared her throat nonchalantly as she readjusted herself on her seat and attempted to get back into a relaxed state. Her hoof tapped a tuneless melody on the table as her eyes danced from her tea to her plate. "Why not?"

Twilight groaned and threw her head back. "I don't know!" she cried, exasperated. "When we were dating, I used to think that maybe she was just waiting for marriage, you know? But when nothing happened on our honeymoon--"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Rarity leaned forward and grasped the sides of the table with her hooves. She blinked several times and looked at Twilight like she'd suddenly announced she was going to rob a bank. "You mean you two have never--"

"Not once!" Twilight reaffirmed. Her eyes welled up with tears as she spoke, staring into her oatmeal. "Not a single time in two years of marriage!" She sniffled. "I wish she'd just tell me if she finds me unattractive..."

Rarity pursed her lips and took one of Twilight's hooves in her own. "Twilight, listen to me. You are a beautiful mare with a lot sexual appeal." There was a hitch in her breath as she again scanned the dining area. The stallion at the table next to them was staring at them, licking his lips slowly. His grin vanished quickly though, when a burst of blue magic pulled his cowpony hat down over passed his chin.

"Then why won't Rainbow sleep with me?" Twilight huffed. "I've tried so hard! Remember the lingerie I bought from you?"

Rarity's face turned an even darker shade of red as she remember that particular purchase. Is she trying to destroy my reputation? "Yes," she said stiffly, waving aside the memory of Twilight asking about bridle flavors. "Yes, I do remember you purchasing some intimate apparel from my boutique. It didn't help at all?"

Twilight groaned. "I was laying on the bed with my--"

"Ahem!" Rarity coughed. Her ears slicked back against her skull as she gently squeezed Twilight's hoof and tried with all her might to leave the mental image her cruel imagination was conjuring up very much incomplete. "Yes, I get the picture, dear."

"Do you know what she said?" Twilight hissed. "'Hey, Twilight, what's with the new PJ's?'"

Rarity's jaw dropped. Her Autumn Lovers' line was the most risque collection outside of Manehatten! Ponies all over the country had been ordering from her for months! "She didn't!"

"And then she went to sleep! With me right next to her!" Twilight growled into her tea. "I just don't get it! What's wrong with me?"

Rarity let Twilight's question hang in the air for a bit as she let everything soak in. It can't be... she thought. Rainbow's hardly the type for empathy, but even she isn't that dense... Unless... Suddenly, an idea popped into her mind. One that made her chuckle almost as much as it made her cringe.

"Perhaps she's just waiting for you to take the lead?" she suggested, still tapping her hoof on the table. "They say that ponies that are most dominant outside of the bedroom are usually the least in it. She may be shy."

Twilight opened her mouth--probably to wave off the idea--when a spark lit off in her eyes. "I think you're right!" she cheered. "She usually likes it the most when I'm the one kissing her! You might be on to something, Rarity!"

"Yes, I might." A nervous laugh leaped from her throat before she could stuff it back down. "Now could we please get back to brunch?"

"Sure thing, Rarity!" Twilight beamed, taking a happy swig of her tea. "But I'm not really all that hungry anymore. How about we just skip to the spa?"

The dam broke, and a surge of relief flooded Rarity's veins. "The spa sounds lovely," she said, closing her eyes and standing up. "I'm sure I've got a ton of knots for Aloe to work out today."

Twilight joined her as they made they made their way out of the dining area. "Really?" she asked, opening the gate with her magic and letting Rarity pass by. "Is life in the Boutique getting to you again?"

A little blue filly sitting under an umbrella picnic table tapped the shoulder of the mare next to her. "Mommy, what's a 'lingerie'?"

Rarity's nostrils flared. "You could say that."





“Bill… Bill… Bill…” Rainbow droned, flipping through each letter with the same disinterested look one might give a wall of drying paint. “...Bill…” She sighed and leaned back into her chair, tossing the dense pack of envelopes onto the table next to a teetering stack of book-order catalogues. “We’ve only been married for two years!” she groused incredulously. “How the heck do we have this many bills!”

Rainbow have to work some serious overtime to make up for the hit they were taking for Twilight’s latest experiment. She’d thought she’d talked to her wife about the power draw her science doodad... thing in the basement was creating. Either that thing was getting turned off, or she wasn’t going to be able to sleep for the next few days. She could already feel her wings creaking.

There was the monster insurance bill that had skyrocketed after Spike’s recent bout with the fire flu. And then she had to find money for trash removal and replacement for the resulting destroyed books, shelves and bed. That wasn’t even factoring in the next payment for the money they still owed for their wedding and the honeymoon afterward. And after all of that she had to make sure she had enough bits left over to pick up her uniform at the drycleaner’s before wednesday.

Releasing a long, tired moan of defeat, Rainbow dropped her head into her hooves. It was times like this that she really wished Twilight wasn’t so determined to get by without the assistance of the Royal Treasurey. Maybe she could talk her into at least getting some grant or something for the giant telescope that Twilight just had to have to study Neptune better. “That mare’s gonna fly me into an early grave. I miss back when I was the irresponsible one…”

Rainbow cast a weary look at the stack of mail again and decided that she’d rather just deal with it all later. Numbers were Twilight’s thing anyway. However, before she stood up she noticed something peculiar. A stamp.

A grin broke out on Rainbow’s face. Did it finally come in? She reached out and grabbed the little yellow envelope and ripped it open with curiosity. She nearly tore the paper inside doing so--Twilight would have been furious if she’d done that with the letter opener next to her--but she’d never use a tool that sissy. Maybe a knife, she mused, pulling the letter out and unfolding it. Stars glimmered in her eyes. A really big knife. Like… Like a Bowie knife! Or a  machete!

As visions of her defeating legions of scowling, sharp-toothed envelopes with her trusty patta filled her mind, she let her eyes drift over the header of the page. Dear Mrs. Rainbow Sparkle…

“Ugh,” Rainbow groaned at the sight of her new name. “How did she manage talk me into that? It sounds so…” She shivered, then sighed as she remembered bright violet eyes flooding with hope and cheer. “Only for her…”

Her eyes drifted across the page lazily. She was in no hurry to get back to finding out how much farther they’d managed to dig their little family into the hole just yet. The letter was dry, but when Rainbow’s eyes finally landed on the phrase “adoption accepted,” she felt like jumping for joy. So she did, right out of her seat, with a mighty “yes!”

“Spike!” the pegasus called up to the ceiling as she landed and let her wings relax. “Congratulations, buddy! You’ve got a sister now!” And just like that, Rainbow’s brow furrowed. “Or a cousin. ...Neice?”

Rainbow was pulled from her sudden burst of semanticism when she heard a door slam on the other side of the library. “I’m back from school!” a cheerful and high-pitched voice announced.