Holy Horseshit, Batmare!
by Present Perfect
"So, where are we gonna live now?"
Ignoring that most of them had first needed to get used to Spike not talking before he started talking again, and that Twilight Sparkle had mostly spent the last week trying to avoid thinking about how little sense her dog's eloquence made, neither she, Sunset Shimmer, nor Sunset's friends had expected that question from him.
It was enough to make Fluttershy pause at rubbing his fuzzy tummy. "What do you mean, Spike?"
Spike gave a bark of laughter. "Just that Twilight and I used to live in a room at Crystal Prep. But now she's transferring schools, so I'm excited to see what the room here looks like!" He wagged his tail for emphasis.
The picnic stilled. Five pairs of eyes turned to regard Twilight with a mix of horror and pity.
"Twilight..." Sunset said. "Are you... Is it true?"
"True?" Twilight gave a nervous giggle. "What do you mean?"
Rarity crawled across the picnic blanket and laid her hand on Twilight's. "Dear, if you're... homeless, you don't have to hide it from us. We'd be happy to help."
The others nodded.
Twilight pulled her hand away, rubbing it while still giggling and also avoiding eye contact.
"Homeless? Who said anything about homelessness? I've always got a home to go to so long as my brother's around!" She wrung a lock of her hair. "Just as long as Dean Cadence doesn't come to visit, because then it's touchy-giggle time and Twily can't stay, no, no, go back to school and work on your studies, wouldn't want to disturb you, just think about Everton!" Her giggling reached a fever pitch.
It was at that moment that the base of the statue beside them rippled and glowed a blinding white, burping forth a dazed and confused purple girl who curled her hands at the wrist like adorable horsey hooves.
"Twilight!" cried the girls, standing.
Twilight stared.
The new Twilight reeled for a moment, then righted herself. She stretched her back and waved.
"Hi girls! Wow, the mirror portal sure took it out of me this time! Speaking of time, how about those time loops, are they lacking in real explanation or what?" She laughed and scratched the back of her neck, glancing upward. Then she did a double-take.
"Holy fuck bulldozer shit salad! What the balls happened to your fucking horse statue?"
"It's a long story," said Sunset, grinning ruefully.
"Twiliiiight," Pinkie hissed.
The aforementioned Twilight looked in the direction she was pointing. Her eyes boggled. She rubbed them. Then, blinking, she laughed.
"Oh wow, a funhouse mirror! Good one, Pinkie!" She made double-guns and click-clicked her tongue at Pinkie. "I totally look like a clown!"
"Twilight!" Applejack made a slashing motion across her throat.
"What?" Twilight raised her arms and shook her head. "I don't understand your silly human body language!"
"Um," said Sci-Twi.
Twilight's head whipped around with enough force that her eyeballs nearly shot from their sockets. Her jaw dropped and a shocked horse noise came out. She had to use both hands to slam her mouth shut.
"Holy ass-licking, motherfucking, cock-gargling balls!" she said primly. "Who the tits are you?"
"Y-you must be the me from Sunset Shimmer's world," Sci-Twi said, attempting to be as inoffensive as possible. "Boy, have I got a story to tell you!" She then made the mistake of explaining who she was and what had happened during the Friendship Games.
In her defense, Princess Twilight had asked.
"You what?" she exclaimed when Sci-Twi had finished her tale. She was so livid, I mean you could see steam coming out her ears and everything. They can't do that in Humania!
"W-well, I've learned from my mistakes..." Sci-Twi cringed, as though her double were about to beat her up, take her lunch money, and shove her in a locker.
Which Princess Twilight absolutely would have done, had there been any lockers nearby.
"I LIKED THAT STATUE!"
Bellowing the primal warcry of her people (it was neighing), Princess Twilight Sparkle pounced on non-Princess Twilight Sparkle and used her adorable hoofy fists to deliver a wicked face pounding. Sci-Twi did her best to turtle up, her combat arsenal consisting of only that most stalwart of nerd defensive items, the three-ring binder.
"Uh," said Applejack, pointing at the pair. The Discovery Family Movie logo spawned from her upturned palm. "Should we maybe step in and separate those two?"
"Nah." Rainbow popped a grape in her mouth. It was a picnic, there were grapes. "This was bound to happen eventually. Let 'em fight it out, it's good for 'em!"
Twilight maintained a death grip on Sci-Twi's hair, but the latter was able to get a leg up and flip her on her back.
"It hasn't been easy for me!" Sci-Twi grunted, trying her best to hold the other Twilight's arms down. "I inherited your academic record because they think I'm you! I've currently got an F in history! I've never gotten an F in anything!"
"I'm gonna effin' destroy you!" Twilight growled, knocking Sci-Twi's glasses loose and going for her ears. "I could've had horse babies with that statue!"
"And that's another thing!" Sci-Twi let out a gasp as Princess Twilight flipped her on her side. That Twi grunted as Sci-Twi threw a left hook, knocking out one of her teeth. "All the students think I'm you, too! They keep looking to me for inspiration and guidance! I don't know anything about how to do that! And that Flash Sentry jerk has been creeping on me like he's the solution and I'm the precipitate!"
Flash Sentry slunk behind his watching tree, feeling a confusing combination of shame and arousal.
Princess Twilight tried to bite her opponent, but was held off by a choke attack. She karate chopped Sci-Twi between the eyes and earned a smack in the mouth in return.
"I hate you!" she screamed.
"I hate you more!" shouted Sci-Twi.
"Hate you first!"
"Hate you last!"
"Oh, just kiss already!" Pinkie yelled.
Both Twilights stopped. They stared at each other, blinking slowly, then turned to Pinkie.
"Can we actually do that?" one of them said. It didn't matter who.
"I don't see why not," said the other.
The reason why not, as it turned out, was anti-magic detonations. Canterlot High was going to need a lot more than just a new statue. Flash retreated from his tree before anyone could blame this one on him.