“What. The. Hell. Are you talking about?” I asked, knees weak.
“After we got you home from the attack, you… died.” said Rainbow Dash. Without warning, she jumped from her seat and hugged me, hard. I didn’t react. I couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. If I died, then where was I?
“If I’m dead, does that mean you all died as well?” I asked. “Am I in some sort of pony-afterlife?”
“No. We’re all very much alive. The thing is, I scanned your vitals, double, triple checked.” said Twi. “I was positive that you were dead.”
“We had a funeral service for you and everything, darling.” said Rarity. “You should be in a casket, six feet underground.”
“Well, I’m not. When I came to, I was upstairs.” I said.
“Yeah. How in all of Equestria did that happen?” asked Applejack. Twilight blushed and backed away.
“Um… that may have been me.” she said weakly.
“What?!” shouted Aj. “What in tarnation did ya do?”
“It wasn’t her fault.” said Conjure. “It was mine.”
“Look, I don’t care who did it. Just explain to me what happened.” I said. I walked over and took a seat next to Pinkie. She was being unusually quiet, and she had definitely been crying. I would address that later.
“Here’s what happened:” said Conjure, after a deep breath. “We got you here and you flatlined. We tried everything in our power to bring you back, but we failed. You were deemed dead. Fluttershy lost it. She demanded we bury you at once. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew you were alive. I didn’t know how, but I knew it in my gut. Fluttershy took over the operation, deemed me insane because I refused to accept your death and because I kept your hair trimmed. I finally told her that you could be buried. What she didn’t know is that I made Twilight help dig you out and replace you with a dummy. We placed the appropriate counter-spells so that nopony would want to go upstairs to where I had you stashed. Just today, I saw your brain light up with activity for the first time in years. I analyzed it and it looked like you were arguing with yourself. I watched as something convinced you to lean towards a particular decision, then I shocked you. Apparently it woke you up. Don’t know how, but it did.”
“How did you know that I wasn’t dead?” I asked, quietly.
“Your readings. The claw marks were nothing, a simple fleshwound. Twilight could whip up an antidote to any poison in existence, and your heart was in perfect condition. You just stopped breathing.”
“What did you accomplish while I was out?” I asked.
“We did more in two days than we did in all of our time under you.” came an angry, bitter voice from the stairs. I turned and got a better view of her. She had various small scratches over her face, a tiny chunk of her left ear was missing, and she had a long scar going diagonally across her face. “We took down Shimmer and Discord.”
“Awesome” I said, glad to be back in the flow of things, to a degree. “Where are they? Can I speak to them?”
“Yeah.” said Fluttershy brightly. “I’ll just go get my boot; there might be some of her left on there.”
“What?!” I asked in horror. She must’ve been joking. No way was she serious.
“My god, were you this dumb before?” she asked. “Although, I suppose if I was dead for three years, I’d be a little slow on the uptake myself. Let me explain, slowly for you. Stay with me when I say it: I… killed… her. Stomped her head in, over and over. I was picking little bits of her brain out of my hooves for days. As for Discord, he got away, but it cost him an arm and a leg. Or rather, an arm and a tail.”
“Why would you kill Sunset Shimmer?” I asked appalled. “Princess Celestia made it very clear that she wanted them captured. Alive.”
“Don’t talk to me about Celestia.” she said angrily. “Three years, three long years we’ve been at this, and not once did we get a single supply drop, news on what’s happening at home, not even a goddamn letter saying ‘Nice work, guys!’ She abandoned us a long time ago, so I don’t give a rat’s ass what she has to say. This is now beyond Celestia’s power. This is my jurisdiction.”
“So what, you went commando?” I asked sarcastically.
“Oh! That’s what I’ve been calling her!” shouted Isaiah. “Commandoshy, our fearless and psychotic leader!” She shut him up with a murderous stare. This was unreal. What happened when I was gone? I was missing something. I turned to look at Pinkie, her face wet with tears. Why was she so upset? Maybe Robert knew. Wait a second…
“Where’s Robert?” I asked. As soon as I said his name, Pinkie burst into tears once more. Everypony looked at me with distaste, except for RD, Fluttershy and Isaiah. I looked around for some sort of explanation.
“He’s gone.” said Twilight. My heart was beating in my throat.
“G-Gone? You mean he’s… dead?” I asked.
“No, but by now he probably wishes he was.” said Commandoshy.
“Then where is he?” I asked. What did this all mean?
“After you were… put out of commision, Robert got his panties in a bunch and split. He blamed me for what happened, so he took a ‘bigger-on-the-inside’ bag, filled it with ammo, and left. We just found out that he was captured by the changelings yesterday. To answer your next two questions: No, we aren’t going to save him and yes, that is why Pinkie is crying.”
“What do you mean, we aren’t going to save him?! We have to!” I cried.
“No, we don’t. He stopped being my problem the moment he left the grounds of this house. He shouldn’t have gotten himself in such a stupid situation. Besides, I have more important things to do. Like win this war before it gets out of hand.”
“What happened to you? The Fluttershy I knew would never abandon a friend.” I said.
“Well, kid, things change. Especially during war.” she replied resentfully.
“Kid?!” I said indignantly. “I-I’m a year older than you!”
“Yeah, whatever. Just because I haven’t kicked your ass yet doesn’t mean I won’t. I told you that if you were smart, you wouldn’t be here when I came back. Apparently you aren’t smart.” said Commandoshy.
“Listen here, girly.” I said boldly. “I don’t know what happened to you, but I’ll deal with you later. We have bigger fish to fry, like saving Robert. We leave in the morning.”
“You listen here, Silver Rift” replied Flutters, walking towards me. She got right in my face and continued. “You’ve been gone for too long, so let me educate you. While you were dirt-napping, I took over. I kinda run this shit now. We’re going to get Robert, but only because I need Pinkie to operate at her best. This is my decision. So don’t you ever, ever come in here and tell me what I’m doing. You don’t own me, I own you.”
“I have to disagree on that one.” I said, backing away. Remember earlier when I said that Rainbow Dash was the most intimidating girl I’ve ever met? Well, I may have lied.
“Ya know what? You can disagree when you’ve earned the right to an opinion again. Until further notice, you are disposable. Expendable. Your opinion is worth nothing until I let you know otherwise. Got it?”
“No. I don’t.” I said defiantly.
“Let me explain it slowly: You are my bitch. Plain as that. I own your ass, and there’s not a damn thing you can say about it.”
“You don’t own me, and I am not your bitch.” I said angrily.
“Is that a fact? Let’s find out.” said Fluttershy. She slapped me hard across the face. She backhanded me the other way. She closed her fist and hit me hard in the nose. Grabbing a fistful of my hair, she pulled me close by her face. “Do something about it. If you aren’t my bitch, then put me in my place. Make me your bitch. Until you step up and take control, your ass belongs to me. And don’t you forget it.” She pushed me back, apparently content with her “lesson”. She looked at me, semi-satisfied, and swung her right hoof and smacked me on the side of the head, dropping me to my knees.
“Sorry, Fluttershy.” I said, tearily. “It won’t happen again.”
“Damn right it won’t.” She said bitterly. “And Bitch? Drop the Fluttershy. I actually like Commandoshy.”
“Y-yes ma’am.” I said, getting to my hooves. “What do you need me to do?”
“RD and Aj will go out and find out where they’re keeping Robert. Don’t come back until you find him. Twilight, make sure our weapons are in good condition. Find Lunar and Celestial and clean them. Rarity, enforce our armor. Pinkie, go… eat some cake or something. Anything to shut your ass up. Conjure, Bitch, you two need to go work out. You have thirty minutes to train before I come down there and kick your ass. Try your damndest to survive.” ordered Fluttershy.
“Hey, Psychoshy. Wanna give me my magic back?” said Isaiah.
“Twilight, give Jackass his magic back. Then meet me upstairs. We need to have a little chat about you going behind my back.” said Commandoshy. Everypony left the room except for me, Isaiah, Twi and RD.
“Be careful, Silver.” said Rainbow Dash, leaving the room. “Things have changed. Don’t get in Fluttershy’s way. I don’t want to attend your funeral twice.”
“Come here, Conjure.” said Twilight, walking up to Isaiah. She extended her hand and grabbed his horn. She concentrated, horn glowing for a moment, before letting him go. Then, she smacked him on the back of the head.
“Ow! What was that for?” he said, rubbing his head.
“Why would you get me involved?! I mean, I know we had to get Silver, but now Fluttershy is going to rip my head off! Why couldn’t you dig him out yourself?” said Twilight frantically.
“You had already suppressed my magic. I couldn’t have gotten any of it done without you.”
“You owe me for this one!”
“Twilight! I am not a patient mare!” called a voice from upstairs. “You have about ten seconds!” Twilight shot us one more look of panic, then rushed upstairs. I sat there in silence, trying to absorb what just happened. I think Fluttershy just kicked my ass. That was… odd.
“Wow Chris. Way to go full-on wuss mode.” said Isaiah, grabbing his swords.
“Shut up.” I said quietly.
“Holy shit. She broke you. Never thought I’d see the day.”
“Shut up.” I repeated.
“Listen. I know this must be a lot to take in, but right now we have to train. When Commandoshy says we have thirty minutes, we should be done in fifteen.”
“Did that just happen?” I asked. “Did I really just let her kick my ass?”
“Hate to say it, but yeah. Come on, you need to help me. I’m rusty. It’s been three years since I was allowed to hold anything sharp.” said Isaiah grumpily.
“Why? You haven’t been helping?”
“I told you, I was dubbed insane, a danger to myself and others. She had Twilight suppress my magic and took all my belongings. I had to smuggle some scissors in so I could cut your hair.”
“Wait. You cut my hair?” I asked uncomfortably.
“I knew you hated when it got too long, so I kept it short. I couldn’t get my hands on any dye, though. It doesn’t matter. Fluttershy wasn’t joking. We need to be able to defend ourselves when she gets down here.”
“Fine.” I said extending my hand. “Pass me one. While we spar, we can answer each other’s questions.” He tossed me one of his katanas. Hopefully Celestia’s spell hadn’t worn off. We decided to keep sheaths on, considering neither of us had that Chameleon Armor. We crossed swords, then jumped backwards to begin. I rushed at him and swung to the right. He blocked it, tip of sword pointed at the ground. He pushed me back, raised his blade above his head, and swung downward. Holding my sword sideways, I blocked it and heaved him off.
“So, who’s first?” asked Isaiah, swinging towards my knee. I jumped backwards and lunged.
“Guess I’ll go. When exactly did Robert leave? And why?” He dodged my lunge and kneed upwards.
“When Fluttershy took over. He refused to follow her orders, so he left. He blamed her for your death.” I smacked his knee down with my sword. “What happened when you… ya know. Bit the dust?”
“I lived on Earth with my mom, dad, Mat, Pat, you and Rob. It was perfect. Then I was in Equestria with the Six. Also perfect. Sombra came out and made me choose between them.” I kicked forward, hitting him in the gut. He staggered then smacked me on the right side.
“I saw that you made a decision before I zapped you. Who did you pick?” I thrust my sword on his toe, then smacked him in the neck.
“I don’t really remember what happened. I know it happened, the details are just… fuzzy. Exactly how long was I out for?” I swung for his ribs.
“You were gone on July 7, 2013. It’s January 23rd, 2017. Just over three years.” He caught my blade with his hilt, swung around his sword, causing me to drop it. We’d been at it for about twenty minutes. I changed back to human form, took a seat on the floor and fell on my back. I was exhausted.
“When did Fluttershy go crazy?” I asked breathlessly.
“Well, after she took charge she got a little harsher, but not like she is now. She was more like Rainbow Dash until they caught Sunset Shimmer. She lost it and… you know the rest.”
“Yeah, she bashed her head in with her bare hands.” I said.
“And I’ll do the same to you two jackoffs unless you can defend yourself.” said Commandoshy, walking down the stairs. She was wearing a skin-tight black bodysuit and two swords, one on her back and one on her hip. Her hipped sword was her cutlass, but the one on her back was my own Celestial.
“How does this work?” I asked, getting to my feet and dusting myself off. “What do we do?”
“Survive.” she replied. “We fight until I say stop. If you are in one piece by the end of it, you suit up so we can get Robert the Rebel. If you aren’t, well, I’ll make sure your funerals are nice. And that you’re both actually dead.” she added bitterly. She pulled out her sword with her left hand and Celestial with her right.
“Can I get my sword?” I asked frightened.
“Yeah, where do you want it? Your stomach? Your heart? I can make it happen.” she said, twirling the blades.
“Um… so I can’t have my sword?” I asked sheepishly. Without warning, she jumped at me, slicing down with both swords. Instinctively, I slashed upwards with the sheathed katana, throwing her back. Conjure ran forward and slashed at her stomach. She deflected it with Celestial and swiped at his shoulder with her cutlass. He jumped back, only grazed and pulled his blade from the sheath. He stabbed at Fluttershy, just to be blocked by me.
“NO!” I screamed. “Put that away!” I felt a hoof connect with the side of my head, sending me flying to the right. I fell onto my back as Fluttershy pointed Celestial’s tip at my Adam’s Apple.
“No thanks!” shouted Isaiah, running at Fluttershy. He tackled her to the ground, got on his knees over her, and punched her in the face. He swung four times, smashing her face before she kicked him off. He got up and slashed her shin, causing her to grunt in pain. She slashed at his hand, cutting two inches deep in his wrist.
“Yes! This is the most fun I’ve had in a while!” shouted Commandoshy with excitement.
“How did you punish Twilight?” said Isaiah angrily. He slashed furiously at her chest. She blocked it easily.
“She got off with a warning. She goes around my back one more time and she’s Grounded.” replied Commandoshy. Here is when my panicked sarcasm comes in.
“What are you gonna do? Send her to her room? Take away her cellphone?” I said, getting up. As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn’t have. She seemed to remember I was there for the first time. She jumped back to me and spun, slashing me in the chest four times.
“Cute. When I ‘Ground’ someone, I make sure they are grounded. Translation: I break something. A leg, an arm, depends on who it is. Twilight only got out because this is her first offense.” she said. I blocked swipe after swipe, not daring to attack. Conjure jumped at her back, trying to stab her. Without taking her eyes (or sword) off of me, she swiped backwards, knocking his sword out of his hand. She kicked backwards, hitting him in the ribs and sending him flying. He hit the ground with a sinister CRACK!
“NO!” I shouted. I swung furiously at her chest, throwing the sheath off in the process.
THUNK!!
My sword bounced off of her chest. Her bodysuit transformed into thick, steel armor. Huh. I swung at her leg, indenting her armor. I smashed at her stomach, scratching her chestplate. I dropped my sword a little, exposing the hilt under my fist. I swung downwards ferociously on her skull. She fell to the ground on her butt, dropping both swords. I pointed the tip of the katana at her throat.
“You’re done.” I said, walking away. I ran up to Isaiah’s fallen body, checking him for injuries. I touched his side, causing him to cry out in pain.
“AHHH!” he shouted. “I think she broke my ribs.”
“It’s ok, we won.” I said, grabbing his arm. I lifted him up a little before being kicked in the neck. I stumbled to the ground as Commandoshy jumped on my chest. She picked me up by the shirt and threw me against the wall.
“Remember the rules?” she said angrily. “I said that we fight til I said stop. I didn’t say stop yet.”
“Well, what if I told you that I didn’t care what you said?” I said, kicking her in the stomach. She stumbled backwards, tripping over her own hooves. I jumped forward and stepped on her chest.
“Fair enough. Stop, you’ve won.” said Fluttershy. I removed my foot, ripped Celestial’s sheath off of her back, walked over and grabbed up my sword. I sheathed it and put in on my back. I walked over to Isaiah and tried once more to lift his now unconscious body. I struggled under his weight for a minute before I felt some of it alleviated by Fluttershy. I slung one of his arms over my neck while she did the same. I pulled out my wings and we flew him upstairs. I looked at Fluttershy and smiled for the first time since I woke up.
“Don’t smile at me like that, asshole! Just because I’m allowing you to go doesn’t mean you’re better than me. I gave up because we didn’t have time to waste and, although I really wanted to, I couldn’t leave Conjure sitting there with broken ribs. I’m already planning our rematch.” said Commandoshy angrily.
“Flutters, can you answer me a few questions?” I asked.
“What did you call me?” she said poisonously.
“S-sorry. Ma’am?” I tried. When she allowed it, I reiterated. “Who did you Ground and for what?”
“Why do you think? They were being stupid or dangerous. It’s not just about keeping me out of the loop. Some of them has done legitimately stupid stuff. For instance, Rainbow Dash was the first one. We were in the cellar, right? I was showing them where we kept the gunpowder and TNT and the like, when Rainbow thinks it’d be cool to light a cigarette. Mind you, the air was thick with explosive powder. If it weren’t for Twilight, we would have died. Then she tried to play it off like it wasn’t her. She tried to fly off, so I broke her wing.”
“Was she the only one?” I asked.
“No. Rarity got her fingers broken because she tried to sneak out past curfew, trying to get some dress. I broke Applejack’s ankle for blasting country music when we were doing recon. Pinkie has gotten the most. I broke each arm about four times over, fractured her leg, unhinged her jaw, snapped a few tendons and shattered her ribs because she kept trying to go after Robert. She refused to listen to reason. When we found out that he was taken, I knew we had to save him or else she might go out on her own. I’d never forgive myself if she got killed out there.”
“That’s the Fluttershy I remember.” I muttered.
“Well, don’t get used to it. Didn’t you want to ask something else?”
“Oh yeah. Why did it take so long for your armor to take effect?”
“I can answer that one.” whispered Isaiah. When did he wake up? “She got scared!”
“I will drop your ass right now.” said Fluttershy upon reaching the top floor. She heaved Isaiah onto the sofa, not too gently.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “If anyone here has reason to be scared, it’s me.”
“Damn right you do. But he’s not wrong. Remember, Chameleon Armor only becomes armor when you get frightened or excited. I was calm until I threw Isaiah. Not to say I was afraid, but I knew you were pissed and would actually fight back.”
“Another question: Let’s say, hypothetically, I stayed dead. After you killed Chrysalis and Sombra, and when you finished off Discord, what would you have done?”
“Twilight would have worked her ass off trying to get us home. If Celestia could do it, then Twilight could.” she replied. “One last question before I start planning. Hurry up with it.”
“What did you tell the Jacksons?” I asked, scared for the answer.
“The truth.” laughed Fluttershy morbidly. “You died, so we made it obvious that you were dead. Made dummies of you three dummies, threw you in a car and threw the car into oncoming traffic. Your mom, your few friends, and that annoyingly cute redhead all believe you’re dead. So stop thinking whatever it is you’re thinking about. You’re not dropping in to say ‘hi’. You will never be able to see them again.” She walked back downstairs, no doubt to plan. I’ll have to add my future to a list of shattered objects, right below Isaiah’s ribs and Fluttershy’s ability to be kind.