I'm doing night watch. It stinks because I have to stand and keep watch for the whole night! And nothing ever goes on. Nightwing says we have to protect the castle from anypony that tries to attack it or break in or something, but that's never happened. We just stand around and look official and occasionally fly the Princess places. And I never get to do that, because I'm too "irresponsible". Boo.
I'll show them. I shall make my daring escape!
Just one problem. Princess Luna bolted my boots to the ground.
But I will not give up. I can see something sparkly in the distance, and sparkly is good. I just need to get over there...
Aha! I just had another of my genius escape plans! I can... take my boots off! They'll never expect that. I giggle to myself, to the annoyance of the guard next to me. Oopsy. I'd better put this great plan into action before they suspect me. I take a deep breath and put this plan into action. I step out of the boot. I found a flaw in their plans: nothing is holding my boots to my hooves! I flutter my wings with a rustle. The guard who was next to me seems really annoyed. Ah well, who cares about him anyway?
I shimmy my hooves carefully out of the boots, stepping onto the cool floor with perfect stealth. The guard next to me appears to have gone back to sleeping standing up. Useful skill, that. I should totally learn to do that sometime. But not now. I'm on a mission and I'm going to do it if I have to lose bat treats for a month!
I really hope it doesn't come to that.
I suppose I could loot the town, if that happens.
I tippy-toe down the hall, totally silent. My armor may be rattling, but it's rattling silently, so it's totally ok. I go past the Lunar Guards who've been magicked to look even more boring than they already are. I sneak behind pillars, so they only see me when I'm running between them. I keenly scan the walls for an escape route.
Aha! A window that's mostly behind a pillar! My superior eyesight shows the small latch at the bottom of the window, which I only have to fly a little bit to reach. I bend towards the floor, wiggle my rump, and leap.
Then I realize I forgot to open my wings. Awkward!
I manage to thump on the floor only a little bit. I must be doing a good job, because none of the guards have moved. I jump again, making sure my wings are all the way open.
I hover silently in front of the latch, pushing down with both hooves. As strong as I am, the latch doesn't budge. I settle my full weight on the tiny lever, but it doesn't move even a little bit. Drat!
Batsy Fluffentuft doesn't give up. I'll find a way past this conundrum. Hopefully.
I don't need to be rescued hanging from a stupid latch. I can totally escape this. Because I have wings. Cool, right? I can just fly off the latch, so I do.
I need to think. How can I get this latch open? Aha! I push the latch up, and it totally opens! How cool is that? I can just fly out this window, to freedom and sparkles!
Leaving the window open (Who cares about that?), I soar over the buildings and roads. They shine in the moonlight, and I welcome the lack of horrific eye pain.
Before I investigate the sparkles, I'm going to need a disguise so I don't get taken back. What to use... Yes!
I leave the rest of my armor on the roof of a fancy mansion. Now they'll never recognize me! It's simply genius! Now that I'm disguised, I soar rapidly over the city, using my full, magnificent speediness. The sparkles spray over the rooftops, and the faint odor of smoke is in the air.
I swoop over the source of the sparkles and start circling for a better look. Despite the late hour, dozens of day ponies sit in a technicolor blob. Landing there is not an option, clearly.
At the front of the group is a stage with a blue day pony on it. She shoots a burst of sparkles from her horn. I wish I could do that; I could prank my whole battalion. All of them. Muahahah.
The blue pony takes a deep breath. I point my ears down to hear what she's saying.
"THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!"
Her mouth releases a sound that would throw many lesser bats out of the air. Because I'm so awesome, however, I only do a triple corkscrew and three backflips before steadying myself. I fold my ears up to protect myself from the blue one's voice.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you! As you all know, Trixie is a powerful mage of many feats! So she shall tell you the tale..." Her voice drops to a volume that's loud, but acceptable. "Of the Chupacobra!"
I'm offended and shocked and... shockfended... and stuff. This "Trixie" thinks she's better than the magnificent Batsy Fluffentuft! I'll show her...
I swoop onto the stage dramatically. I bare my fangs and spread my wings in a way that has sent many an insurance-company pony running for the hills. I can hear ponies gasping and swooning, no doubt because of the sheer fabulousness that is me. Trixie stares for a moment, but recovers quickly.
"Beast of the night! How dare you interrupt the Great and Powerful Trixie?" She attempts to yell, but whatever makes her voice painful is gone.
Her horn glows, and a bolt of blinding light shoots at me. With lightning-fast reflexes, I dodge the glowy beam. Trixie has this infuriating smirk on her face that almost makes me want to eat her.
The bolt of light suddenly explodes. Spots burst across my vision as my ears start ringing furiously. I can vaguely hear applause through the ringing.
I shake myself out and hiss. "Who dares hurt Batsy Fluffentuft's magnificent vision?"
Trixie blinks twice as I charge. Spots of darkness swim across my vision, but I am unfazed as I pursue my target. Her horn lights up, and a sparkling bubble appears with her inside it. It feels like cold glass as I slam my hooves against it.
I raise one hoof and hiss dramatically, flaring my wings. I call through the glassy bubble.
"Hoof-wrestle me, blue pony!"
Trixie blinks. Then she grins. I still want to eat her. A table floats slowly from behind starry curtains, settling in the middle of the stage.
"No mere bat-pony can out-wrestle me!" she declares as she takes her place.
I sit opposing her and prop my hoof on the table. She does the same and we push. I feel my whole arm tense up, but Trixie's hoof doesn't budge. We sit, sweat, and strain for a long while.
Trixie's hoof suddenly jerks, flinging me into the table.
It hurts.
Like, it really hurts.
Trixie's smug smirk is back. Have I mentioned I want to eat her? She rises on her back legs and proudly proclaims her victory, as well as a willingness to continue dueling.
I snarl. "Bring it on."
I'm aching and drenched with sweat. Trixie stands primly in front of me, looking very edible. I wonder what she tastes like. Victory, probably. I know Nightwing would disapprove. What would the punishment be for eating a day pony? A week without bat treats? A month? Will it be worth it, just for the satisfaction?
Blue Pony knocks me out of my fantasy with a sharp tap of her hoof, "Anything else you'd like to challenge The Great and Powerful Trixie at?" she says, looking like the ultimate paragon of smug.
I think for a second, before I'm struck with a brilliant idea. Like, really brilliant. I'll challenge her to do what I'm best at!
I take a deep breath and speak in a resounding voice. "Blue Pony, I challenge you to get laid before I do!" I smirk evilly, sure of my victory.
I look around. Every pony is wearing an expression of shock, disgust, or, in one pony's case, asleepness.
"What?"