Low kick aimed at my knee, easy dodge with a step back. Heel kick to his stomach, but too slow! Caught, and he’s got that same infuriating grin with that missing tooth. He steps back, tosses my foot up, and I hit the mat. At least I’ve had enough practice falling to know how to land without hurting myself too much. Still stung my back, though.
“Betcha can’t even touch me, ya little-”
You want to know what’s weird? Trying to knock the smug grin off the jerk you’re sparring against in Karate class, and then feeling like your skin just got flash-frozen. That’s how this all started. One minute, practicing in class. Next second, cold as a snowman’s backside. Confusing would be an understatement. I was completely and utterly lost.
All around me was snow, snow, snow. Gently falling like… well, snow. What? You expect me to be creative all the time? Anyway, like I said, snow as far as I could see. Which, given that I’m nearsighted and it was nighttime, was probably not very far. I looked around me, shocked and uncomprehending.
“What?! Snow? I... Waaa-” I shouted, ending in a fit of shivering and chattering teeth. Apparently my inform was not effective against cold weather. I wrapped my arms tightly around my elbows, trying to calm down. And I failed.
“Okay Ian. Just breathe. Inhale- holy frig-g that’s cold! Okay, cold is bad. Gotta move before I f-f-freeze to death.”
Yes, I know I sounded dumb, but give me a break, I was in shock. I took a look around, seeing nothing but snow and trees nearby. Thankfully, it was a cloudless night with a full moon, and I was able to make out some form of large, rocky structure off in the distance.
“Maybe ther-r-re’s a cav-v-ve or s-something,” I reasoned. It was a slim hope, if any at all, but it was all I could think of, and, at that moment, all I really had. I rose from the forest floor, hands shifting from elbows to armpits, as I slowly marched through the snow, my feet sinking an inch or two into the crunchy white powder, wincing at its coldness. My eyes were wide, shifting from snow, to shadow, to tree, to rock, as much from ADD as from searching for any signs of danger; not to mention the almost petrifying sense of fear trying to give me a heart attack.
I was terrified. One of the scariest things you can experience is the total unknown. I was losing feeling in my hands and feet, had no idea how I ended up in a snowy forest, and was walking towards uncertainty. Was there a cave? Wasn’t there? Would I reach it before turning into a popsicle? How many toes will I lose to frostbite? All these fears, and more, raced through my mind like a caffeinated lightning bolt, over and over and over again. I was on the verge of tears, wondering if I would die, if I would ever see my mom, dad, or big sister again.
Rubbing my eyes on my sleeve, fearing the cold would freeze the tears in my eyeballs… What? I’d never been in a situation like that before! I was close to having a panic attack, if not about to claim citizenship in the magical land of Hysteria! Irrational fear is the national pastime there and I wanted to make a good impression!
I lost track of how long I’d been walking, just focusing on moving forward; one step, then another. I had been staring at the ground for so long, I didn’t notice the wall before I banged my head on it.
“OWOWowow! Sss… gah!” I clenched my teeth in pain, my whole body shivering from the suppression of chattering molars. As it quickly ebbed, I looked around, seeing a massive wall of natural stone extending upwards and to either side of my arms. It looked like a cliff from how sheer it was, but I couldn’t marvel at it for long, needing to find some kind of shelter.
After falling to the ground from my wall experience, I stood up, only to faceplant into the snow when my foot slipped on a frozen rock. I suddenly knew why cartoons have that warning about not trying these things at home. Oddly enough though, it didn’t hurt. And that’s when I got scared. Well, more scared, at any rate. Not feeling pain is an exceptionally bad sign. I looked back, and noticed that apparently my right ankle was twisted. Because, you know, being out in the middle of who-knows-where in nothing but a uniform isn’t bad enough, now my ankle’s messed up like a stereotypical damsel in distress, and I’m incapable of feeling pain. Nothing but sunshine, gummy bears, and oh! Is that a greenhouse made of peanut brittle?! No? Nuts. No nuts.
I struggled to my hands and knees, teeth gritted, brow in a focused line, my fingers curled into immobile claws. I used the cliff as a steadying point, arm outstretched and leaning on it for balance as I tried keeping as much weight as I could off my bad foot so I wouldn’t fall down again. My breath steamed in clouds of mist, coming and going in short gasps. The bitterly cold air scorched my throat like a bad case of sunburn. If you think having a sunburned back is bad, try imagining your throat.
Unpleasant, isn’t it?
After basically hopping on one foot and using the wall like a massive crutch for a good while-don’t ask me how long; I was short on breath, trying to keep moving, and I really, really don’t want to think about it-I put my hand out once more to find there was no wall. Yep. Finally found a cave. Yay! Sadly, the only experience point I received was experiencing the point of impact between my ribs and the cave’s floor.
With the wind knocked out of me, I lay there, stunned, for a minute or two, before slowly rising to my knees and leaning my shoulder against the cave wall. It was dark; so dark it seemed to suck away at whatever moonlight happened to drift by.
“Mo-o-v-v-ve,” I moaned to the cave. Interesting fact; caves like it when you moan to them. Makes them more inclined to… okay I’m going to stop there because that just sounds wrong.
You’d think that, since I was injured, I’d be able to move more quickly on my hands and knees and trying not to bite my tongue with how little breath I had, in addition to the fact my teeth were clacking together so much I sounded like a rattlesnake. Nope. Just inched forward a little bit at a time, using the left wall and my shoulder to guide me down into its depths.
Right hand. Left knee. Left hand. Right knee. Lather, rinse, repeat. I was getting so tired, and I’m sure whatever little muscle I had would have been screaming in agony if it weren’t for the blasted cold. I don’t think winter’s my favorite season anymore.
Eventually I thought I could hear voices, and later on I began to see my hands against the ground, pale blue, curled like fishing hooks, and still moving forward. There was no more snow, but I misplaced a hand and slid to the ground. At least this time I didn’t have too far to fall.
As I lay there, trying to catch my breath, I began to notice a few things. I had stumbled into some kind of chamber. It was warm, and there was light. There was also something in there with me. I felt what were gigantic footsteps pounding the ground with a methodical pace. The floor shuddered with each stomp, and my body along with it. They stopped at what I felt was right in front of me.
My cheek against the ground, I raised my head wearily to see a massive, scaly, and clawed foot.
“Huh?” I mumbled, raising my head higher, curiosity giving me somewhat of an energy boost. I managed to make it to my knees before a face came into view. A triangle-shaped head bigger than an elephant; horns like a triceratops; yellow cat’s eyes; a triple row of spines running from the small horn on its snout to behind its head; a mouth big enough to swallow a horse whole and still have room; and fangs as long as my legs. I was looking at a real, honest-to-goodness dragon. I had no idea how to respond other than stare at it slack-jawed as it snarled at me. Eyes wide in fear, I managed an “Uhhh-” before it let loose a roar that caused my bones to vibrate like one of those massage chairs you see in shopping malls.
My cheeks rippled at the amount of force, and some of the beast’s spit hit me right in the face. And yes, I still had my mouth open. Oddly enough, it tasted like cinnamon and glue. I don’t know why.
Adrenaline was pumping through me at an alarming rate and I thought my heart was going to climb up my throat and start using my uvula as a punching bag. And that’s when I snapped. I had been through a harrowing experience, just really wanted to rest, and now there was a dragon. Rage fueled by exhaustion and the sheer insanity of what I was experiencing caused me to do what I still consider to this day to be the dumbest thing I have done, ever. I let out a scream of rage mixed with terror, grabbed the tip of its snout with both hands, and headbutted its nose. Just before I lost consciousness, I swear I thought it looked confused as it twitched its nose back and forth. I probably would have laughed my head off if the concussion hadn’t sung me a lullaby.
Now, here’s where my memory kind of gets fuzzy. Not because I have a bad memory, even though I do. No, it’s because I went through three days of high fever, short bouts of consciousness, and nonsensical dreams-slash-nightmares. And for those of you who do the whole ‘dream interpretation’ thing, tell me, what does it mean when I’m in a realistic-looking hotel pool and I’m swimming with cartoon killer whales? Let’s just say that was the most ‘normal’ part of the dreams, and move on.
I was trying to sleep, but apparently my everything was in pain and decided to wake me up with a rousing game of ‘hot potato’, using my nerve endings as the potato. Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating. I was uncomfortably warm and incredibly sore and stiff. My eyes were closed, but I could feel a blanket, and it felt as though my hands, knees, and feet had been bandaged. Weird. What happened? Last thing I remember was a dra- my brain immediately stopped as it was consumed with shock, trying to process what had happened. I had seen a dragon. Not a Komodo dragon, not a cartoon dragon, not even one of those animatronic things you see at amusement parks. A living, breathing, roaring, terrifying dragon! And I was still alive!
I started chuckling, but immediately stopped as my ribs told me laughing was bad. Gritting my teeth against the discomfort, I slowly opened my eyes to the dim candlelight. I may be nearsighted, but I can still tell apart different kinds of light sources.
The bed was soft, the walls a stony gray, and the door was nothing more than a carved-out archway, from which voices could be heard. Against my better judgment, I decided to get up and find out what in blue blazes was going on. This was a bad idea for two reasons. One being that it felt as though all my muscles were cramping, and two being that I had no clothes on. I did find my shirt and boxers on the nightstand nearby, however. Freshly washed, too.
Moving as quickly as a snail in slow motion, I dressed, wrapped the blanket around me, and then shuffled through the archway, my feet whining the entire time about how they wanted to go back to bed. Their argument was very persuasive, but I needed answers, and lying around like a schmuck doesn’t really contribute to information gathering.
I entered a hallway that continued down to my left for about twenty feet or so, candles set at intervals in little alcoves carved into the wall. Leaning against the right wall for support, I made my way towards the voices, their conversation getting more and more intelligible as I got closer to the archway of the nearby chamber.
“-ll pull through, I kn-“
“-ust saying, he was out for-“
“Wait, I sense him approaching.”
“Already? I wasn’t expecting him for another day or two, at least.”
“He is Human. They are more durable than they appear.”
The first voice was feminine, soft, clear-spoken and exact, while the second was decidedly deep, male, and sounded as if he was constantly growling through his words. Since they already knew I was the hallway, I decided to introduce myself.
“My name is Ianovich, and I’m sorry for being rude, but I’m more than a bit lost and was hoping either of you might have some answers, or know someone who might. May I come in?”
A growling laugh answered, “Ha! More polite than I thought he’d be. Come on in pup, we won’t bite. Well, I won’t, but I can’t say the same for Miss Fancy Scales over here,” he ended with a snicker.
The other voice didn’t seem amused, “Excuse me, I beg your pardon?! I happen to have absolutely no intention of biting the lad! The mere thought of it simply appalls me!”
The snickering continued as I stepped through the archway, “You didn’t seem to have much of a problem with the idea when he stumbled in.”
She sounded flustered, “I-I-I was surprised! I acted on a primal reflex! I had no control over myself!” I looked up to where the voice originated from, and I thought I was seeing that same dragon from before, and she… the dragon was a girl… I could’ve sworn she was blushing, though the earthen-brown scales did make it difficult to determine.
A loud guffaw made me notice the bipedal dog-man-thing sitting in a chair to my right several feet away, and ye gads were his arms huge! One of them was at least as big as both my thighs, with hands large enough to palm my head like a baseball.
“Ha ha ha! Oh, by the Twelve Twinkling Stars you’re so easy to tease!” He doubled over, clutching his stomach.
The dragon glared at him, curling her claws into massive fists at her sides, “It is incredibly rude to make a mockery of a lady concerning her instances of emotional duress, you uncouth, insufferable, frustratingly intolerable fluff-headed ignoramus!”
Okay, then I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was blushing. Her scales shifted from brown to brick red in a matter of seconds. Even without my glasses I could tell how embarrassed she was, so I decided to chime in.
“In all honesty, that was the most impressive roar I’ve ever experienced to date. Though I could have done without the spit.”
They both stopped and stared at me like I was insane for ten full seconds. Yes, I counted. The dog-man then spoke, all trace of humor in his voice replaced by seriousness, “What did it taste like?”
I brought my hand up, covering my mouth and cupping my chin, as I looked intently at the ground, trying to recall. Even through the bandages I could feel I needed to shave soon. Looking up without a trace of a smile, I said, “Like cinnamon and glue.”
They both blinked and turned to stare at each other, before the dog-man pointed a bratwurst-sized finger at her and proceeded to laugh his head off, falling backwards in his chair, then rolling on the ground, clutching his sides as if he would explode like a marshmallow in a microwave.
The dragon continued to stare at him for a few moments, until she began… what I can only describe as tittering, bringing a claw to her mouth to try and stifle the unexpected response, without much success. As the dog-man was panting for breath, long after the dragon had finished her own amused response, they turned their attention back to me. Since only one of them could currently form cohesive sentences, the dragon appointed herself as ambassador, gracing me with a friendly smile.
“We do beg your pardon, Ianovich, and hope that you will excuse our conversation and… responses to your statement. Oh dear! Where are my manners? We have not been properly introduced!” She cleared her throat in a light manner, “I am Terranexine, and this is my… assistant, Bartholomew Steelclaw.”
The d-I mean, Bartholomew-raised his paw and waved, wheezing, “Just… Bart… is… good…”
I smiled a little, “Cool. Now then, supposing this isn’t the most insane and lucid dream I’ve ever had, would one of you mind telling me where I am, exactly? Before I suffer some sort of mental breakdown and end up a gibbering lump of colliding emotions?!”
For the sake of convenience, I’m going to henceforth refer to the dragon as Terra. It’s a whole lot easier. Terra looked quite surprised, as well as concerned, at the amount of volume my little outburst contained, judging from her wide eyes and little ‘oh’ her lips formed. There are times where being scared can’t be helped. For me, this was one of them.
Lowering her head until it was about a foot off the floor, Terra looked me in the eyes, her voice smooth and serious, “Ianovich-”
“Ian, please. It’s shorter.”
“Very well then, Ian. Where are you from?”
I couldn’t help but laugh a bit at that. Every time I get asked that, I give the same response, “Which time?”
Her eye-ridge climbed in confusion, “Come again?”
I stopped laughing, but kept the smile as a memento, “Sorry, just a practiced response to a familiar question. See, I’ve lived in different places at different points in my life. I grew up in one area, moved to another, and then moved again to the last. Did you happen to mean currently, or originally?”
“I do believe currently would be quite a bit more helpful, for now.”
“Ah, very well. I’m from Texas.”
“Tecks-ess?”
“Tecks-uhs.”
“Oh, Texas. Would that happen to be located anywhere in Equestria?”
I raised an eyebrow in question, “What the devil’s Equestria?”
“Oh, dear,” she replied, her talons covering her face. “Ian, you have my deepest sympathies. If you would please, brace yourself, for my answer may be quite rattling. Unless my assumption happens to be incorrect, I do believe you are, currently, in another world.”
About two seconds later my left eye twitched, and I finally discovered how high-pitched my voice can get when panicked.
“WHAT?!”