The Traveling Tutor and the Royal Exam
Black-and-Blueblood
Time: 11:59 P.M. 20 Hours, 1 minute until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Bribery
State of Groom Anxiety: Strangely Calm
Even for a construction site in the middle of the night, there was a feeling like walking into a theatre around Green Grass as he pushed the unfinished oak door open and looked around the revealed suite. His mind even insisted on treating the room under construction as a set for a play, with the only thing missing being a curtain and a script for the primary actor, i.e. himself. The darkness of the unfinished room was broken by a fairly large firefly lantern hanging on a hook nearby, casting his shadow dark beneath his hooves, although the light seemed hesitant to illuminate the other end of the room. Several stacks of lumber nearby formed a somewhat crude table with a few pieces of dusty blueprint paper scattered across them, but the floor at least was cleaned right down to the bare stone so he did not have to tread through sawdust or other debris.
As he recalled, this wing of the castle was slightly newer than the rest. Pinkie could probably detail the exact date of its construction from the makeup of the grey granite blocks beneath his hooves, although the rest of the room's furnishings most likely had been replaced many times as they went in and out of fashion over several remodelings, and most everything that was left was covered in tarps and scaffolding.
On the other side of the room, a wan light illuminated an elderly unicorn who was dressed in a formal vest with crisp white spats on his hooves, only slightly darkened by the dust. A thin moustache adorned his upper lip with all the flexibility of a ruler, and a pair of inky quills protruded from an upper pocket, leaving a blue inkstain that had dried to a floral pattern across his black vest. The spell that washed over Green Grass was recognizably the changeling detection spell that he was getting far too familiar with, although the old stallion cleared his throat almost apologetically after casting it and said, “Close the door, Lord Green Grass.”
“Of course, Mister… Bucket, I presume?” After closing the door, Green Grass nodded at a mop bucket placed prominently in the center of the room. “Mister Anonymous sounds just too wordy for these kinds of meetings.”
“That will do,” said the old stallion while brushing a lock of white mane out of his rheumy eyes. Despite his casual appearance, he had not stopped peering at Green Grass for even a second. “Did you bring the money?”
“Did you bring what you said you could provide?” asked Green Grass in return, standing perfectly still while watching the rest of the room in his peripheral vision.
“As promised.” Bucket opened a folder and floated out two sheets of thick paper, which landed side-by-side on the crude table. “Your family ancestor has been written into the records as you wished. After your inspection, I will place the forgery into the peerage records as we discussed. Prince Blueblood will never know your parents are not really descendants of Princess Platinum.”
“And they will be able to defend their title and ancestral lands from any challenges to their bloodline,” completed Green Grass while inspecting the paper. “Exactly what you said. Very good.”
“And the money?” asked Bucket.
Green Grass reached back into his sidesaddle and extracted out the lumpy bit bag. “Half in advance. Fifteen thousand bits plus a five thousand bit bonus. The rest to be paid after the deed is done and my father inspects the modified peerage records with the Keeper of the Rolls, whose witnessing will be unquestioned by even the most skeptical Royal.”
A low chuckling filled the room and the far wall shimmered with the dissipating magic of a cancelled illusion spell. Behind it, the newly-revealed Prince Blueblood glared into the room with an expression of righteous outrage as he snapped, “Ah-HA! It is exactly as I told you, Princess. The wretch has bribed an official of the court for his family’s position! He cheated!” Striking the familiar hoof-pointing pose, he turned to the second pony who had been revealed and added, “How could you marry him now that you know what a deceitful criminal he is?”
The young alicorn to Blueblood's side slowly turned to look at Green Grass through familiar eyes. Twilight Sparkle's expression was heartbroken, with tears beginning to well up and drip onto the floor with every blink. She rustled her wings uncomfortably and looked away. “You were right, Prince Blueblood. I cannot marry him now. The shame and scandal will destroy all that I have tried to build in Equestria. He will go to prison, and I will be forced to bear our child alone.”
“Do not fret, Princess.” Blueblood reached down and picked up Twilight Sparkle's hoof, holding it to his chest with a sideways smirk for Green Grass. “I knew the scoundrel would eventually betray you, but I am prepared to show him mercy.”
A thin envelope took flight from Prince Blueblood's vest pocket and flew across the room in his golden magic to land next to the bag of bits. He kissed Twilight gently on the forehead before turning to Green Grass with a practiced leer.
“Begone, peasant. In that envelope, you will find a railroad ticket to Manehattan, and from there, an airship ticket to darkest Zebrica. Take your bribe money and vanish from our sight. I shall see to it that the Royal Guard does not pursue, and that this corrupt official is properly punished. Go! Get out of my country, you pathetic creature.”
Fighting down every instinct he had, Green Grass cast a beseeching look at the lilac form of the alicorn he was about to marry and asked with a quaver, “Princess T-twilight? Is this w-w-what you w-want?”
“Yes,” she murmured, still turned away from him.
“And will you m-marry him tomorrow, so that our child may have a father?” asked Green Grass, trying his best to look down at the floor and keep his face composed.
“I must,” said Twilight. "It is for the best. I shall remember you fondly, Green Grass, but you must leave now.”
“There's only one thing left to do then,” said Green Grass, looking up with a grin. “I need to get your autographs.”
“What!” bellowed Prince Blueblood. His eyes seemed to be trying to bulge out of his head and a certain redness was creeping up his neck like a thermometer about ready to pop.
Ignoring the prince for the moment, Green Grass turned to the elderly stallion with a bow. “Lei signore. Lei signori. Err… That's about the end of my Istallion. Don Lavoro, you had me completely fooled with your magnificent performance. If not for your beautiful wife, Belle Plumè, I would have never guessed your identity just now. I remember when the two of you performed Don Rocinante at the Manneheim Theatre over a decade ago. Oh, she was the perfect Aldonza.” He smiled at the elderly unicorn, who seemed to be attempting to restrain a confused chuckle of his own. “I’m afraid I fell in love with your wife back then, but I was only ten.”
The elderly unicorn finally was unable to restrain his low chuckle. “Ah, Principe Green Grass. You have found us out. Love makes fools of us all, even old has-beens like me. Be cautious, young prince, or I shall tell thy spouse of your indiscretion.”
“She knows,” said Green Grass with a dismissive wave of one hoof. He turned his head to where the purple ‘alicorn’ was still trying to look away. “Once I saw your performance, M’lady, it was simply a matter of set theory. You see, there are a certain number of Istallion performers who have dropped out of sight recently, but only two of whom are a husband and wife team skilled enough to carry this off. I'm glad it was you two. I've been a really big fan of your work, M'lady Plumè, so allow me to pass along my congratulations on a magnificent performance.”
“What does it matter!” The young pegasus turned on Green Grass with a sharp glare that made her eyes flash in a way that made him quite happy that her horn was a fake. “Principe Blueblood had intervened in my husband's gambling debts under the condition that we perform this one deception for him. Now he will cut us off, and our careers will be ruined. What good will your thanks be when we are living in the gutter, waiting for the thugs to beat us for the bits that my husband cannot pay?”
“Indeed!” Prince Blueblood had calmed down somewhat since his initial outburst, and fixed Green Grass with his most relentless glare even as the two sheets of paper took flight in his magical aura and flew to him. “Do not think you can turn this to your advantage, peasant! Don Lavoro and his wife are securely under my control. Your criminal conduct still stands. I will see your family removed from their estate and you thrown into jail before the wedding unless you take my offer.”
“Sooo…” started Green Grass, passing a glance across the two thespians, who each looked away. “You're saying that if I try to tell the truth about what happened here, you will suppress Don Lavoro and his beautiful wife, so it will be just my word against yours, right?”
“The word of a Prince over the word of a pretender.” Blueblood ran a hoof over his immaculately styled mane. “This farce of a wedding you have planned is over, peasant.”
“I think not,” said Green Grass. “Don Lavoro, Belle Plumè. Allow me to introduce a fellow performer who I have known for several years, and who still owes me bail money, if I remember correctly. Presenting—” Green Grass swung one hoof back in a broad sweep as a glittering invisibility spell faded away in a trail of sparks “—Trixie Lulamoon, the Great and Powerful!”
“Greenie!” The blue unicorn who had been revealed paused her expansive gesture in order to give Green Grass a nasty look. She was still dressed in the glitter-spangled violet outfit she had worn during the dinner theatre performance, as the note he had passed her with the flowers had been quite specific in the critical urgency of his need for a witness (and a line or two about her skill with invisibility spells that even Twilight Sparkle could not match). Green Grass had always been more than a little irked at her disdain for written scripts while in college, but now he was starting to appreciate her gift for improvisational acting, if not her mania for turning every event towards her own promotion.
“It's the Great and Powerful Trixie! Thank you. Thank you. No need to applaud.” In fact, Belle Plumè had actually begun to tap her forehooves together before Blueblood silenced her with a scathing glare.
Green Grass cleared his throat and lifted one eyebrow with a smirk. “Prince Blueblood, I do not believe you will be able to silence The Great and Powerful Trixie. Nopony can.”
“Indeed!” declared Trixie with a toss of her head to make her mane flow across her neck in a stylish fashion, a trait that Green Grass suspected she had unconsciously copied from Rarity. “When Trixie heard that her good friend, P-p-princess—” Trixie stammered just slightly “—Sparkle needed assistance that only Trixie could provide, Trixie was more than happy to come to her foolish coltfriend's aid.”
“You see,” explained Green Grass in full lecture mode, “with Trixie as a witness, your scheme has come apart. However, if you still would like to participate in the wedding, I've been having a problem filling one of my groomstallion positions. I had a friend of mine from Nazchews, but he broke his hoof in a freak skiing accident, so I asked Pumpernickel, but now he's guarding Emperor Ripping Claw and will probably be halfway to Manehattan when the wedding starts, so I was thinking— Urk!”
Golden magic formed around Green Grass’ throat and lifted him up into the air before slamming him against the back wall of the unfinished suite. A golden aura spun a locking spell across the oak door as Prince Blueblood took a step forward and snarled, “There will be no wedding between Princess Twilight Sparkle and you, peasant! And as for you.” Blueblood turned on Trixie, who was merely standing in place with a knowing smile and a faint glow around her horn. “Interfere and I will see you punished, charlatan.”
“Trixie would not think of it. Prince.” A look of pure innocence remained on Trixie's face as Blueblood returned his attention to the struggling stallion pinned against the back wall of the suite.
“Since you spurned my generous offer, have you any last words before your fatal ‘accident’ in the construction area, peasant?” he snapped.
“Actually, I wanted to answer three of your unasked questions, sir,” gurgled Green Grass. He continued somewhat less muffled as Blueblood relaxed his magic slightly. “For starters, you were supposed to ask why I was not worried about this ‘forgery.’ At first, I couldn't figure out why anypony would be trying to solicit a bribe for forging that piece of historical trash, and I'll bet you didn't even realize it.”
“What?” Blueblood lifted the two documents in his magic and looked between them. "This is the exact page out of the peerage records that I discovered the error on. Look, right here. Your family’s ancestor is not even listed among Princess Platinum’s children. How dare you call the Royal Genealogy Archives trash!”
“How many children did Princess Platinum have?” asked Green Grass, trying to hide a smile despite his awkward position. Just because Blueblood was looking elsewhere did not mean his grip had weakened, and the wall of the suite was remarkably uncomfortable.
“Seven. No, eight,” said Blueblood, reading down the page. “Or perhaps nine. No, there is a tenth. And twins. Triplets?” He looked back up at Green Grass, giving the earth pony an extra thump against the wall. “What kind of sick joke is this? My prestigious ancestor did not pop out progeny like puppies.”
“But every generation of Canterlot Royals wanted to have an ancestor related to her,” said Green Grass. “Every. One. And they all had bribe money to graft a few extra limbs on Princess Platinum's tree until it looked more like a bush. Uncomfortable relatives were brushed out, famous relatives matched up with any convenient pony in the records, and in the end, even Princess Celestia isn’t sure who is related to who.”
“Enough!” snapped Blueblood, pressing Green Grass against the far wall only to pause as Trixie cleared her throat.
“Shrubby there said he was going to answer three of your unasked questions, but he's only answered one so far.”
Blueblood gave an extra shake to Green Grass, still pinned against the back wall of the suite. “Well, ‘Shrubby?’”
Green Grass waved in the general direction of Trixie. “Don Lavoro, M’lady Plumè. If you will please stand next to Trixie, per favore? Grazie tante.”
Trixie rolled her eyes while the two actors moved cautiously across the room. “Forgive the green goofball there,” she whispered in a tone of voice that could easily be heard across the room. “That mark on his rump makes him an insufferable ass about teaching. If he is ever executed, Trixie swears he'd make a physics lecture out of being hung.”
“Hanged,” said Green Grass promptly. “But that’s not important right now. Prince Blueblood's second question should have been why I was suspicious of Don Lavoro, whose performance was extremely good, but…” He shook his head and pointed. “Your vest is for that of a right-hooved earth pony servant, with the quill pocket on the right side, but you are a left-hooved pony, and a unicorn too. The ink splotch is a nice touch, but any servant in the castle would be certain to have it laundered before the ink set, and added in with the heavy dose of grey dye in your mane and the linguistic mistake you made with my servant made it fairly probable that you were dressed for a role of some sort. It was too natural to be a disguise, but with stylistic elements far too obvious for anything but a costume. Still, I could not place who you were with just those clues.”
After a moment, Blueblood bumped Green Grass against the wall again, only not quite so hard this time. “The third question?” he asked.
“For that, I can only credit Madame Plumè.” Green Grass had managed to get a hoof free, and tipped his hat to the disguised pegasus mare. “Forgive me, madame, but there were a few flaws in your performance too. There is no problem Twilight Sparkle cannot face horn-first with her friends. She would have never turned away from me as you did. Sent me into Canterlot Lake, maybe, but she would have done it while looking me straight in the eyes. I've never met a more determined and headstrong mare before — other than Princess Celestia and Luna — and I think that may have been the main reason I fell for her.”
“Is that all?” asked Belle, turning her head slightly to the side in order to match eyes with Green Grass, who had slumped to one side in Blueblood's magical grasp. “Did I get the makeup correct?”
“On a normal day, of course!” said Green Grass, just as calmly as if he was not being held against the wall by Blueblood's magic. “Less than a day before our wedding, not so much. The stress is making little bits of her mane spring up around the edges, and in extreme cases, she gets this little twitch in the corner of her left eye. That's… bad.”
“Very clever, peasant,” snapped Blueblood, slamming Green Grass against the wall again. “Which leg do you want broken first?”
“Just a moment,” gurgled Green Grass. “There's two more questions you really needed to ask before going any further. First, where is the real Twilight Sparkle?”
Blueblood scoffed. “In the Night Court, where I arranged for her to be sent.”
“And second,” said Green Grass, sounding a lot more comfortable as the golden glow of Blueblood's magic around him began fading out, replaced by a familiar violet glow. “You really should have wondered why Trixie was still casting an invisibility spell.”
As the soft glow around Trixie's horn faded, the glitter of a cancelled spell spread out across an alicorn-size area next to her, revealing the inhabitant one lilac-colored section of coat at a time. There was a small fleck of red at the corner of Twilight Sparkle's lips, most likely a sprinkle out of Doughnut Joe’s collection, and a white glow that filled her eyes, most likely a signal to Prince Blueblood that he had a remarkably short time to learn how to teleport across continents. After landing on the floor with a faint click of steel shoes on stone, Green Grass turned to the stunned performers and waved his hoof. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, I would like to introduce Don Lavoro, an esteemed actor, and his wife, Belle Plumè, a similarly esteemed actress. And Trixie, of course, who you have already met.”
“Charmed, I’m sure.” Other than a rhythmic twitch at the corner of one eye, Twilight Sparkle did not move a muscle after speaking, remaining pointing straight at the terrified Prince Blueblood at the other end of the room much as if she were a siege weapon, wound up and aimed, awaiting only the touch on a trigger to impale him.
“If you would like to speak to your cousin, Twilight, I would be more than happy to take our guests on a brief tour of the castle grounds. I believe we will all find our experiences educational. You’re… um…” Green Grass remained observing his future wife for a long moment before putting forth a tenuous, “Love you.”
“Love you too, silly.” Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath, although her eyes remained almost pure white. “No broken bones, no permanent injuries or transformations, no banishment to any major celestial bodies or unpleasant dimensions.”
“And I still haven't found a good replacement groomstallion,” mused Green Grass while he held the door open for his guests to leave/flee the room. “Don Lavoro, I don't suppose— No, that probably would not be prudent.” He closed the suite door behind him with a little click before strolling down the under-construction section castle corridor and then out into the regular hallway as if he and his impromptu tour group had all night.
Normally, taking tourists to see the attractions of Canterlot's castle involved considerable walking. Tonight, at least one of the attractions was coming to them, and at a good clip too.
Ahead of the rest of her group, Princess Luna trotted briskly along the corridor toward them, flanked by a rather nervous Flash Sentry on one side and both Papercut and Crosswind on the other. The Lunar Diarch had a certain grim determination in her rapid pace, which calmed considerably when she saw ‘Twilight Sparkle’ even though she still remained considerably upset.
“Twilight Sparkle,” began Luna, “we have just learned the most disturbing of news from our guard. Hath thou seen Prince Blueblood this eve? We would have words with him. Strong words.”
“Just a moment, Princess Luna,” said Green Grass, stepping forward rather quickly as Belle Plumè seemed to be going through a minor identity crisis. The laws involving criminal impersonation of royalty were fairly draconic, and he could see Belle’s train of thought right down to the caboose. When the immortal Princess of the Night realized she was being deceived by an actress, the end result would not look good for the imposter. “This is not Twilight Sparkle,” he said quite clearly and calmly. “My fiancée is currently busy elsewhere.”
Luna's eyes narrowed as she looked at ‘Twilight.’ “Lord Green Grass. Explain. Now.”
“First, Princess Luna, may I present my friends. The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon, professional magical performer. Don Lavoro and his beautiful wife, Belle Plumè, who are both superb artists of the theatre. As for what we are doing, I would have to say that I have just come from a demonstration of all three of their acting skills. I suppose it could even be called a Crown Performance.”
The rising wail of Prince Blueblood could be heard down the corridor, along with the smashing of several scaffolds behind the closed door of the suite currently under deconstruction. There was a deafening ‘thud’ of impact that shook the floor, and then a second crashing noise as Blueblood slammed into the suite door, blowing a small puff of dust out from under the door and into the hallway.
“I don't believe Prince Blueblood appreciated the performance quite as much as myself, though,” said Green Grass, fighting to maintain a straight face.
“Momiiiiieeeee!!” screamed Blueblood before the sound of another impact shook the floor.
“Princess Twilight is attempting to educate your nephew on what can be considered a good performance now, Your Highness,” added Green Grass as Luna gaped down the hallway.
“Heeeelllppp!!” screamed Blueblood, intermixed with the sound of breaking construction materials.
“Lord Green Grass,” started Luna, with a brief pause afterwards to allow the echoes of kinetic education to die out, although ‘Princess Twilight’ stepped forward and responded before she could continue.
“Principe Blueblood was going to kill Principe Green Grass,” said Belle in just as straightforward and blunt a fashion as if she were wielding a hammer. “He blackmailed my husband and myself into assisting with a scheme to discredit this young stallion, and then when his plan fell apart, he boasted that he could kill Green Grass and get away with it.” Another piercing scream sounded through the hallway, ending in a crashing destruction of more building supplies, and Belle gave just the smallest ghost of a smile that had Green Grass very glad that he was planning on wedding the other lilac-colored ‘alicorn’ in the general vicinity, despite or perhaps because of her current activity. “We wish to turn Royal Witness,” added Belle Plumè.
“Indeed, Principessa Luna,” agreed Don Lavoro. “It was entirely my fault that we were dragged into this. Principe Blueblood offered me a way to repay my gambling debts and salvage my good name, and I took it like a fool.”
“I see,” said Luna, turning towards Trixie. “And you?”
“Trixie is but a friend of the groom,” she protested. “Also witness and interested observer.”
“Understood,” said Luna. “I would hear of this from Prince Blueblood’s own lips before making any decisions.”
“Right this way, Your Highness,” said Green Grass, strolling back up the corridor he had just come from. “Be careful of the construction and I'll take you there.”
The sounds of the Royal Rumpus grew as they walked the short distance through construction debris to the door in question. A light violet magic covered the oak door, although it flickered with impact as the sound of a screaming prince smashing against it echoed through the hallways of the castle. Once, twice, and then upon a third impact, Blueblood’s horn stuck through the door as if it were some sort of odd white hatrack, designed to allow the construction ponies a place to hang up their hardhats.
“I… see,” said Luna. It seemed as if the Lunar Princess had her tongue firmly stuck in her cheek, and little twitches traveled up and down her sides as if she were suppressing highly-inappropriate laughter. The horn vanished from the door as Blueblood began another trip around the room and Luna turned to regard Green Grass with an unamused frown. “Princess Twilight Sparkle’s methods of discipline seem somewhat extreme.”
Green Grass shrugged. “Sometimes you need to get the attention of somepony before you can teach them anything. Oh, dear?” he called out. “Could we talk with Cousin Bluey for a moment?”
One piercing scream later, the horn-sized hole in the suite door was enlarged enough for Blueblood’s head to stick out into the corridor, although the blubbering sobbing for mercy cut off abruptly as he caught sight of Green Grass.
“You!” shouted Blueblood. “I’ll have my revenge for this! You're going to wish I had just broken your legs and thrown you under—”
The growing tirade was cut off as Blueblood was yanked forcefully back into the room and the process of kinetic Royal Attention-Getting proceeded. Green Grass shrugged again and turned back to the quite serious Princess of the Night. “He needs a little more Twilight time, Your Highness.”
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
Time: 2:10 A.M. 17 Hours, 50 minutes until Zero Hour
Scheduled Event: Sleep
State of Bride Anxiety: Calm and Tired
Green Grass had just managed to arrange himself on the pillow in his cold bed and was trying to find his place in a rather interesting historical romance when the door to his suite clicked open and closed again. Taking the prudent step of tucking back the corner of the sheet and scooting over, he returned the kiss that Twilight gave him when she slipped into bed at his side.
“Sorry I took so long,” she explained with another kiss. “I had to wait at the Royal Physician's office while Prince Blueblood was being treated.”
“You didn't have to wait,” answered Green Grass with a minor twitch of annoyance. “He’s a big prince.”
“Did too,” countered Twilight, holding up one leg into the bed reading light's illumination. “I chipped my hoof, and the nurse had to put a little dab of shellac on it. They were still bandaging up the twit when I left. You should have heard him whine. You would have thought I broke his foreleg instead of just fracturing it a little bit. How did Luna take it?”
“With remarkably little laughter,” said Green Grass. “Don Lavoro and his wife are under her protection, of course, and Trixie has wrangled a position on the pyro team for the fireworks tomorrow night out of this. I predict in a few days, nopony will even remember what happened. Or at least won't say anything about it.” He snuggled into Twilight's side under the embrace of a warm wing. “That makes twice… Well, maybe three times that somebody's tried to kill me in the last day.”
“I’m sorry,” said Twilight reflexively, only to be cut off by a kiss.
“Don’t you dare,” whispered Green Grass, stuffing the book onto the nightstand. “You're worth it and then some,” he added along with another kiss. “After all, considering what we've gone through so far, what else could possibly happen?”
Twilight thwapped him on the head with one wingtip before turning out the light.