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// Chapter 41 - Past revealed 
// Story: A New Beginning in a New Land 
// by REDACTED99999 
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A/N sadness ahead, read at own risk.
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Jax was shaking. Not much, but enough for it to be noticeable. 
Was he really going to tell her everything? He had spent so much time just suppressing the memories, avoiding to think about them. This was his new beginning. What good did it do to remember the past, a past he couldn’t do anything about, and memories that still gave him nightmares most nights?
Luna pulled him into her chest and put her wing over him in the way he loved. Then she started stroking his hair with a hoof and spoke soothingly, whispering about how everything was going to be alright.
It was calming, and he soon stopped shaking. Luna, who had just told him about her own past, even sung a song she hated, just for him, just because he had asked, and she did it without shaking like a scared kid. She deserved to know about his crappy past. Hell, maybe she could even start helping with the nightmares, and they could have fun in the dreamworld again.
He took a deep breath. This was not going to be easy to get through, no matter how determined he was. If there was one thing he was certain of though, it was that Luna would help him through it, if by nothing else then because of her hug.
He let her just stroke his hair for some minutes, listening to her soft voice. He could do this. She deserved to know… and a small part of him wanted to tell, to finally talk to somebody about it.
“I…” His voice was strained. He cleared his throat and tried again. “When I was a kid…” How could he even begin? He sighed and tried again. He could do this. “My mom once told me that the guy she married was a decent man. That was not the man I got to know however.” Okay, good start. 
“He lost his job or something stupid and started drinking heavily. He was angry pretty often, came home looking for an outlet. A lot of the time he would go for my younger brother, Jake. A lot of the time I made it my business to come between them.” He paused when he felt Luna shaking a little, but the dam was open and he couldn’t stop. He needed to tell her. He continued, his voice filled with emotion.
“One day I told a joke. I don’t really know how I thought of it, I was just a kid, but it worked. It fucking worked. He started laughing and laughing. Since then I used humor a lot. Sometimes it didn’t work and I would take the beating meant for Jake, but sometimes it defused the situation. It was easier to explain my bruises with jokes as well. People stopped asking questions when I had that kind of attitude. They assumed it wasn’t serious if I laughed about it.” Luna still shook slightly against him.
“One day, he went too far. I ended up in the hospital.” He could feel her tense up, but a smile spread on his own face. His voice was calmer when he spoke up again. “There was this really nice nurse there, I don’t remember her name, but she was very understanding. Saw through my façade in a second. I cried in her arms. For the first time in years I cried. She told me that I wasn’t the first victim of abuse, and I wouldn’t be the last, but she would be damned if she would let it continue. She must have talked with my mom, because mom finally decided to grow a spine and get the police. The case went to court. I think I was nine when it started.” Luna’s breath caught in her throat. Jax frowned at the memory. “I was almost eleven when it ended. They just kept dragging it on. Me, Jake and mom all confessed to what he had done, and you would think that was enough, but for some reason the court kept going. It was a huge strain on everyone, especially my mom. She cried at almost every session. It made me and Jake feel terrible about the whole thing. The therapy didn’t help much either.” A smile spread on his face again.
“Then something wonderful happened. My father’s best friend grew a conscious. My best memory of my father is seeing his face when his best friend went up to testify against him. It was priceless. The court ended soon after that, with him being declared guilty. My mom decided we needed a new start and we moved into a new town. I became friends with Max and Liza after some years of knowing them.” He shifted a little to lay better in her embrace. It felt nice… warm and safe. It always did. 
He smiled at a memory. “Did you know… what am I talking about, of course you don’t know. Anyway, my name isn’t actually Jax.” Luna pulled back to look at him with surprise. “Yeah, my full name is Jack Savage. But don’t tell anyone, I don’t like my last name. Anyway, one day Max was saying my name, and he said ‘Jacks Avage’ instead. We laughed so much. Then he decided that ‘Max and Jax’ sounded good, and it just sorta stuck.” He chuckled. “Yeah, for a couple of years everything was good…” He wanted to end the story there. It would be much easier.
He ran his hand through the fur on Luna’s chest. The soft fur felt nice against his skin. He looked at her mane, stars glimmering like diamonds. He breathed in her scent. Honey and… flowers? It was a nice smell. Sweet, like she was. She was so sweet, and beautiful, and soft, and for some reason she actually liked him as well. She actually felt the same way about him.
He wanted to linger more on the thought, but as much as he tried to distract himself, it didn’t work. The tears had gathered in his eyes anyway. “Then it all went to hell.” He finally breathed out. It was almost too much for him, but he continued anyway.
“I was living with my mom after I had finished high school, looking for a job. Mom wanted me to continue my education, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. Studying was never my thing.” The tears started falling. It was so hard talking about it, but he couldn’t stop now that he had started. “One day, mom wanted to take us out to the movies, but I had a job interview that day and told them to go without me. Jake was thrilled that I didn’t make them wait another day.” His breathing became more rapid, yet he didn’t feel like he had enough breath. “When I came home that day, a police officer was waiting for me. He had this look on his face, this sadness about him, and I knew something bad had happened. I-I knew the happiness I had experienced for a few short years was about to be wiped a-away.” He tried to get his breathing under control, but it was hard. Luna pulled him closer. “T-They were d-d-dead. My father had shot them on the street. That psycho had just gone up to them and- and- and…” He finally broke down and started crying uncontrollably.
Luna pulled him closer yet again, almost crushing him, but he didn’t mind. He needed her to be close, he needed her soft fur on his skin, her warmth on his cheek as he stained her beautiful coat with both tears and snot. She didn’t seem to mind though, going back to stroking his hair and speaking soothingly to him.
It took him a long time to calm down. That had been the worst moment in his life. Even being set ablaze by Twilight hadn’t been as bad as hearing that his family had been murdered by someone he thought he was free from.
“I-I went to his t-trial.” He finally choked out. He was still crying, but he needed to finish the story. “I-It was a short process. P-Plenty of people had seen him s-s-shoot them d-down. He didn’t even look like he cared.” Anger took over as he remembered the blank look on his face.
“At one point though, he looked me in the eye, and said ‘I loved you the most’ like that meant anything to me at that point. Three people held me back from punching him in the face.” His voice was hoarse. He took some deep breaths. 
He could hear Luna sniff. Was she crying too? “I was thrown out of the courtroom. I didn’t even hear his sentence. I didn’t really care though. All I-I knew was that I had l-lost my family. It was the worst feeling in the world.”
“I inherited everything. Not that I wanted anything. I would have spent all day in bed if I could. My therapist said I had depression, as if I cared. I got some pills and eventually I could stop going to therapy. Not that I said muchduring the sessions.”
“The hardest part was to find a reason to live. To keep living. I started smoking and drinking to numb the pain. The thing that worked best though was music. Screamo, dubstep, pop, rock… I didn’t care, as long as it helped me forget.”  
“T-Then I pushed M-Max and Liza away… I-I didn’t have the energy to deal with their pity. They came by every now and again, but I-I never opened the door. They had this look in their eye every time they tried to talk to me that I couldn’t take. I was e-easier to let them drift away.”
He took a deep, shaky breath. Luna sniffed again.
“T-Then one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. After months, the music and the alcohol just wasn’t enough anymore. The p-pain was too much for me, my self-imposed loneliness was o-overwhelming me and I just… something broke… I couldn’t… Life was too hard. It was easier to just… not. S-So I got a hold of a gun… and I shot myself in the head.”
Although Jax was fairly certain Luna didn’t know what a gun was, he knew she understood what he had done. He also knew for certain that she had been crying, because when she pulled back to look at him with an overwhelming sadness, the fur around her eyes was wet. As he watched, more tears fell from her cyan eyes, trailing down her fur to land on the bed. She looked completely lost for words, so he continued.
“I-It wasn’t as easy as I had t-thought it would be though. I sat there for hours, trying to pull the trigger, but every time I tried, my finger wouldn’t move. I felt so m-miserable Luna. So goddamn m-miserable and l-lonely and…” His own tears intensified. He closed his eyes as they forced their way out. “I-I couldn’t. I-I should have c-contacted them then, but I couldn’t. I should n-never have bought that gun, but I-I did. Everything was just so f-fucked up. I had lost e-everything and I felt like I should have d-died with my f-family, and that this was just a delayed effect. I-I pretended that it was my f-father that held the gun to my head, and suddenly it became e-easier.” Another deep breath. “I pulled the trigger.” The sadness in her eyes intensified, but he was almost at the end. He forced himself to talk again, even though his voice was hoarse and shaking.
“N-Next thing I-I know, I wake up in E-Equestria, confused as f-fuck. I-It wasn’t exactly what I t-thought would happen, but the p-pain, the l-loneliness, the d-depression, it all seemed further away. Blurry, in a way.” He took another deep breath. He calmed down a bit again. He had already told her the worst.
“R-Remember how I-I told you and Twilight that this wasn’t my b-body? The example I gave was that my old scars were gone, but it’s actually more than that. I think that at least some of the reason I felt better here than when I-I… than my w-world, is that this body has never experienced depression… Now that I think about it, I guess another reason could be that my soul had spent time traveling between worlds… I don’t know. All I know is that I found a determination to survive here… I wanted to live. Now that I’m together with you, more than ever.” He finished. He was done. He felt emotionally drained, completely exhausted, but he had done it. She deserved to know, and now she did.
She drew him in close again, sniffing into his ear. She was adorable really, crying for his pain. 
He felt warmth spread through his chest. She loved him… and he loved her. She was the only one he had ever told about his past, that was how dedicated he already was to her. How serious he was about their relationship. The thought brought a smile to his face, even now. Even after all of that.
“I am sorry, Jax.” Her voice was low and filled to the brim with sadness.
“There is no reason for you to apologize.” He told the crying mare. His own tears were subsiding, and he actually felt better. Free, in a way, like the memories rejoiced at being acknowledged after all this time. He started stroking her mane.
“There is. I am a bad pony Jax.” She continued, baffling him. Luna was many things, but bad was not one of them.
“No you’re no-“
“I am! What kind of pony is happy that her beloved had to go through so much pain, just because it meant that she could be with him now?!” She paused, sniffling some more. Jax didn’t know what to say to that, since he didn’t quite understand. She continued a bit more calmly. “If you had not committed… if you had not died, then your soul would not have gone through the portal before Discord closed it, and I would not have been with you now… And I would still be alone… How selfish can I be?”
Understanding dawned on Jax like a rising sun. She felt bad because she didn’t want to exchange the happiness she felt with him for the happiness he could have had if he didn’t… If things had turned out differently.
“Shhh… You’re not a bad pony Luna.” He assured her.
“But I-!”
“I think my definition of being bad is different from yours. One thing I’m sure of though, is that I’m happy with you. Whatever may have happened, whatever will happen in the future, that is one thing I am absolutely certain of. I’m happy with you, right here, right now. I didn’t tell you about my past so you could look at me with pity, I told you because I trust you more than any other creature on this planet. You trusted me with your past, and I trusted you with mine. We can’t change what happened back then, not you, nor me, but we can be happy that at the very least, we found each other. Through worlds and sadness and loneliness, we found each other, and if we can be happy together, then maybe it will all have been worth it somehow.”
“I… are you certain?” She asked timidly.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been as certain of anything.” His voice was as confident as he felt. He could feel Luna relax back into the hug. There was something they would have to take care of before they could go back to relaxing though. “I’m sorry about your coat, I don’t think I’ve cried so much since… well… ever. Let’s go clean up this mess.”
She nodded.