“What the…snow?”
“Hearth’s Warming is coming,” said Applejack.
I blinked. “Wait, we haven’t even had Nightmare Night yet.”
“It’s a benefit of having all-powerful alicorns controlling the days and nights,” said Pinkie. “We can have whatever day we want whenever we want. Nightmare Night is the day after.”
“Okay, I guess that explains why I got this letter.” I showed them the paper. “Celestia and Luna were kind of concerned about the whole army of equals sign cutie mark ponies. They said they’d arrange things so we could get the holidays out of the way before the war. So they put Hearth’s Warming and Nightmare Night together. But why do it in this order, with Hearth’s Warming first?”
“Weather patterns,” contributed Rainbow. “The new Wonderbolt team was here and everything, but since we already had clouds scheduled, instead of clearing them for a bright moon during Nightmare Night, we’re just having Hearth’s Warming snow first.”
“I suppose I can see the utility in that,” I said. “Just don’t let playing God go to your heads.”
“You play God all the time!” Twilight shouted.
“And I play to win.” I grinned. “Also, glad to see you’re finally acknowledging it.”
“I was just repeating a statement you had previously made to show the irony inherent,” Twilight quickly retorted. “Not claiming that I shared the same belief.”
It was pretty clear that I wasn’t going to gain any more support for my cause, that cause being war. Nobody wanted to war with me. Everyone had something better to do, particularly considering the army wasn’t there yet and the holidays were coming up.
Cordoba and I left the meeting room, leaving the girls to their plans. It had been kind of a sudden rescheduling and all of us needed to figure out what we were doing for the holidays.
“What do you want to do for the holidays?” I asked Cordoba.
We exited the pub. She shrugged at my question, staring up at the falling snow.
“Remember what I said about snow?” I asked.
“Hitler was batshit crazy and thought it would be a good idea to invade the Soviet Union during winter.”
“That’s right. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”
Cordoba watched some snow melt in her coffee and took a sip.
Rainbow had mentioned the new Wonderbolt team. I saw them hanging out down the street. I hadn’t gotten a good answer about why there were hanging out in Ponyville and didn’t really care. I was still – still – riding the high of getting Rainbow kicked out of them.
Cordoba and I were both wearing an earpiece and both heard, “Message to Valiant,” from Tin Mare.
“Go ahead,” I replied.
“With Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Apple Bloom out of town for Hearth’s Warming, Braeburn will be left alone at the farm. This would be an excellent time for me to calibrate his sensors to function in coordination with our efforts.”
She had been talking about using his cyborg self as part of our network. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, but knew that if Braeburn found out he was being spy equipment he wouldn’t be very cooperative.
“All right. Be discreet.”
“Understood,” Tin Mare replied.
“I hope that works out,” I commented.
“Tienen ganas,” Cordoba remarked.
I smiled and nodded. I really should learn some Spanish.
Pinkie burst out of the pub. “Hey Valiant, since me and Applejack are kinda sorta related we decided to have a combined Hearth’s Warming celebration this year on my family’s rock farm and since you’re kinda sorta maybe slightly knowledgeable about what it’s like to be an earth pony and have nothing else going on I thought you might want to join us.”
“How do you know I have nothing else going on?” I asked.
“Because nowhere in Equestria sells the kinds of things you need to be properly materialistic for this ‘Christmas’ holiday you’ve talked about.”
She was right.
“All right,” I said. “A rock farm?”
“No quiero,” said Cordoba.
“Yo quiero Taco Bell,” Pinkie replied with her trademark grin. “Don’t worry, you’ll have a great time!”
“Just as long as I don’t have to dress up like Princess Platinum again this year.”
Pinkie shook her head. “Nope. My parents aren’t very outgoing. We’ll just have our holiday Pie-style.”
I would prefer it animal style, or even Gangnam style, but I guess I could live with that.
We went to find Sunset and ask if she wanted to go to the Pie house for Hearth’s Warming. She said yes. With Cordoba, we went to the train station to meet up with Pinkie and the Apples.
We stopped by the library on the way. Twilight spotted the three of us come in. “Valiant, you look like you’re on your way somewhere.”
“Yeah, I’m going to the party at the Pie place.”
“In the spirit of parties,” said Spike, “now can we open presents?”
“Isn’t that tomorrow?” said Sunset.
Twilight explained, “When Spike and I spent our first Hearth’s Warming Eve together, he couldn’t wait all night to open his presents. Ever since then, we’ve always opened them the night before.”
“It’s kind of like our tradition!” said Spike.
“It’s kind of like you’re contributing to dragon greed feelings,” I commented.
Twilight frowned. Smiling, Sunset, Cordoba, and I left the library.
Getting on the train, everyone else talked. It was still a long ride, though. I got bored along the way. I doodled with breath steam on the windows, designing a set of blades that I could stick to my hooves. Maybe I would call them Santa Claws.
The joke’s still funny.
A porter came by with a cart full of goodies. Apple Bloom went heavy on the snacks. Cordoba got a coffee.
“It’s so excitin’!” said Applejack. “Related or not, it’s gonna be a hoot havin’ our families together under one roof!”
“Apples and Pies together again for the first time! Maybe. Unless we’re related! Which maybe we’re not. I think I just confused myself.”
“It’s always weird when the two sides of your family meet at a party or something. Plus, when you throw in your weird friends.” I frowned. Wait, that was probably me. I quickly steered the conversation another direction. “So you still aren’t sure if you’re related? The Apples are one of the most well established families in Ponyville and nobody kept records? Then again, it is the Apples.”
Apple Bloom popped up between us and interrupted any retort. “Have you tried the Equestria flag crepes? The blue one is blueberry!”
“Is the schnozz one schnozzberry?” I asked.
Applejack talked over me. “Now hang on, sugarcube. You know Hearth's Warmin' isn't just about candy and getting stuff, right?”
“Uh, yeah,” Apple Bloom replied. “You don’t have to give me a boring sisterly lecture. I know what it’s about. I’ve seen the play every year since I can remember. Especially last year, when Valiant was Princess Platinum.”
When we arrived at our destination, Pinkie could barely contain herself. “I’m so happy, I need to make up a new word for how happy I am. What about…rooftastic?”
“Rooftastic?” asked Applejack.
“As in, ‘I'm gonna stand on the roof and yell to everypony how rooftastic this is!’”
Pinkie did her thing. When she was done, Applejack asked, “So where we were goin’ again?”
“To the window, to the wall?” I suggested.
“It’s a funny joke, Valiant,” said Maud, arriving just then. “I’m so excited to see you all.”
She turned to Cordoba. “Are you a robot?”
“I am not a robot, idiota,” Cordoba spat.
I calmed Cordoba and looked at Maud. “Robot?”
“I based the robot assumption on the fragments of silicon wafers on Cordoba’s hooves,” Maud explained.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you about the robot,” I said. “Her name is Tin Mare. She’s a hybrid biological/technological artificial intelligence. I uploaded her into a combat chassis, a VTOL aircraft equipped with advanced weapons. Cordoba’s been really helpful with maintenance.”
“My mistake,” said Maud. “I saw the evidence and put forth the simplest explanation.”
“Simple? This is Valiant we’re talkin’ about,” Applejack reminded her.
Maud nodded. “Your robot sounds very interesting. I take it the complicated electronics require rare earth metals?”
“You don’t know the half of it.” I happily chatted with her on the way to the Pie place.
“Come on, everypony!” called Pinkie as we arrived. “Meet my super-mega-fun-derful family! Everypony, meet everypony! And Valiant!”
That was nice of her. Pinkie’s father stepped forward. “I am called Igneous Rock Pie, son of Feldspar Granite Pie.”
His wife said, “Thou shalt know me as Cloudy Quartz.”
Pinkie’s older sister was next. “Gaze into the eyes of Limestone Pie! Ma and Pa may own this rock farm, but I keep it running. Cross me and-”
Cordoba tossed the rest of the coffee in her cup at Limestone.
Limestone stopped as if frozen. One eye began to twitch.
“I can see by your expression that you were not expecting to be crossed,” said Cordoba. “You cannot even.”
Limestone snapped. “I’m going to kill you!”
“Yeah, that’s the attitude we need!” I said. “I’ve got a place for you in the army we’re building to save Equestria.”
“Shut up, old man!”
I must admit, I was kind of taken aback. I’d never been called old before. But shit, I had kids, it must be true.
Pinkie, however, stepped in to save the day, noogieing Limestone. “Aye aye, Captain Grumpy! I’ll tell everypony to stay away from your precious mine, Holder’s Boulder, and everything else. You know, the usual stuff you bitch ponies out for.”
“Pinkamena Diane Pie!” shouted her mother, aghast. “I was quite sure thou had been raised better!”
“Sorry ma,” said Pinkie, ducking her head. “I’ll try to remember not to end a sentence with a preposition.”
“What does ‘bitch’ mean?” her father asked.
Pinkie interrupted again. “And this is Marble Pie, my baby sister who’s only a few minutes younger than me but she'll always be a baby to me, isn’t that right? She’s so excited to meet everypony! Oh, and she wishes you all a happy Hearth’s Warming!”
Marble Pie stood there doing a pretty good Fluttershy impression. Maybe she was getting ready for the upcoming Nightmare Night.
Pinkie hopped up on the boulder, much to Limestone’s consternation. “Attention! Everypony get settled in! There’s plenty of room upstairs, and then it’s time for Hearth’s Warming Eve dinner!”
There were four beds for the six of us. This seemed to please Sunset. We shared a bed. Mac got one of his own, and so did Cordoba. Apple- jack and Bloom shared.
After working that out, we went down for dinner. I took a glance at the pot. “Stone soup, huh? I know this story.”
I took out soup ingredients. Igneous stared at me suspiciously. “Art thou a witch?”
“Huh? Oh! No, no I’m not.” I had completely forgotten I was dealing with the pony version of Amish. Or at least they would be if all ponies didn’t use antiquated technology.
He didn’t look like he believed me, but hey, whatever I may have been, I wasn’t a witch. And the soup turned out great.
Pinkie called, “Eat up, so we can get to our Hearth's Warming dolls!”
“Wait, what?” I said.
“We have traditional crocheted dolls passed down in our family,” said Applejack. “They represent each member of the family on the mantle.”
“We have rocks,” countered Pinkie.
“How do the crocheted dolls work? If they’re passed down in the family, then where do the kids’ dolls come from and where do the deceased dolls go? But that still doesn’t answer my question. Why?”
“Um, tradition?” said Pinkie.
“Why we do it, who can say?” broke in Cloudy Quartz.
“But it’s such a festive holiday,” Pinkie went on. “It’s tradition, that makes it okay.”
“What if a traveling voo doo’er came upon the house on Hearth’s Warming Eve? You’d all be screwed.”
“Now, what are the chances of-” Applejack stopped suddenly and decided, “nevermind, I think I’ve learned not to ask questions like that. Let’s not do dolls.”
“All right, then let’s do the flag finding mission!” Pinkie said without missing a beat. “Limestone, you're the judge. Big Mac, Marble Pie, and Sunset, you’re team one. Apple Bloom, Cordoba, and Maud, you’re team two. Ma, Pa, you’re with Valiant. Don't think of it as team old, think of it as team awkward! And I’m with Applejack of course, since we might be cousins!”
“What are we doing?” I asked. “Also, technically all the Pies might be cousins with all the Apples.”
“When the three tribes united to form Equestria, the first flag was sewn by Nimble Thimble. It’s tradition to raise a flag on Hearth's Warming to celebrate that famous day. This is to decide who gets to put the flag on Holder’s Boulder.”
“So we’re having a scavenger hunt to find the flag?”
“Nope! Earlier today, Limestone hid an obsidian stone. Whoever finds it gets to raise the flag!”
“Then why didn’t you just say-”
Pinkie had already sped off with Applejack. I glanced at Igneous and Cloudy. “I guess it’s us. So, uh…how did you two meet?”
“We were chosen by the Pairing Stone and betrothed within a fortnight,” said Cloudy.
“The choosing stone decreed, ‘Thou shalt love one another.’ And lo, it was so,” added Igneous.
I nodded. “Four kids. It must have.”
The three of us took a walk. We passed Maud and the fillies searching for the obsidian stone. In an attempt at conversation, Maud was saying, “Have you ever wished you could turn into a rock?”
“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Rarity can turn into a salt crystal,” I contributed.
Maud’s eyebrows lifted a millimeter. “Is that so?”
Holy shit, Rarity had better watch out. Talk about getting your rocks off.
Pinkie and Applejack came back with a picture of an obsidian stone. “Found it!”
“Wait, you went through that whole confusing team picking and didn’t even have a real rock to look for?” I pointed to the drawing. “Are you sure you didn’t find a picture of a lump of coal?”
“It’s obsidian,” said Limestone. “I drew it.”
“And I’m an art critic. I say that I see coal.”
“Anyway, time to hide the presents!” interrupted Pinkie. “What's more fun than getting a present? Finding a present! Although, most years, nopony finds one.”
“That’s stupid,” I said.
Applejack mildly contributed, “Maybe we could mix it up. Marble Pie, you could raise the Equestria flag up a pole, because you're the youngest. Ma and Pa Pie, we’ll cook you up a meal you'll never forget. We’ll decorate the farm and we’ll all get presents without havin’ to find ‘em.
“Yeah, that could be great!” said Pinkie.
Pinkamena Diane Pie!” hollered her father. “Truly thou cannot favor this madness!”
“What about how a fat guy in a red suit rides a sleigh pulled by reindeer and comes down the chimney at every house to deliver presents around a pine tree in the living room?” I said.
They all stared at me. Pinkie said, “Wow, I think that would be even weirder than bringing my marefriend to Hearth’s Warming at my super-uptight parents’ house.”
“Your what?” asked Igneous.
“Oops,” said Pinkie.
“Why isn’t anypony listening to me?” shouted Limestone.
“Hush,” Cordoba advised. “Nobody cares.”
They did it. The two of them fought. Limestone, an earth pony rock farmer, could probably hit pretty damn hard, not to mention being a full grown mare. My girl held her own though, at least until the two of them bumped into the large boulder at the edge of the cliff.
“Excuse me, you’re fighting on top of a very sensitive fault line,” Maud pointed out, but it was too late. The ground split open and the boulder fell into the chasm below.
Forgetting Cordoba, Limestone shrieked “Nooo!”
Hmm. It seemed like they actually had a valid reason for not wanting to do anything that fit the Ponyville idea of Hearth’s Warming tradition. I guess we all learned a valuable lesson today.
“I guess we all learned a valuable lesson today,” I said. “I learned that I don’t want anything to do with this.”
“We have learned something as well,” Cloudy said.
“Our family came together as one, united in the realization that we all hate you equally,” finished Igneous.
I took a bow. “Happy holidays.”
Sunset, Cordoba, and I left. Cordoba had a black eye but seemed to be in good spirits.
“What are we doing now?” Sunset asked.
“Hell if I know. Kwanzaa?”