Pain comes in many forms.
It could be inflected upon the body. Ring the flesh, break the bones, scar the skin, empty the stomach, dry the cells, drain the blood, or gut the organs. It could be pushed upon the mind. Shattering dreams, ending fantasies, demanding reality, changing ambitions, or corrupting long held goals. It could even be passed upon the spirit. Breaking wills, destroying trust, breeding hate, and ending love.
Pain comes in many forms…
… and I have felt every one.
Here on the moon, here in my banishment, I have felt every form of pain imaginable. If they did not occur during my forced departure, then they occurred during my attempts to escape. If the pain did not happen to force my hoof, then it came about as a result of my action.
My wishes and desires for attention and love have only brought me scorn and hatred, in forms I have never wished to know. All I wanted was love, and all I received was scorn. My moon was unappreciated and my nights forgotten. My title became a footnote beneath my once beloved sister. My entire being became something of a figure, and less of a leader. Slowly, but now undeniably, my spirit was falling apart. The trust I had in my once caring sister slowly slipped away under her dutiful nature and tasks. Any will I had to continue on disappeared into the fog of my growing hatred as the apathy of my once peaceful little ponies. My spirit was completely shattered the moment I knew that any love that any creature had for me was gone.
After that, my mind slowly began to follow. Fantasies of having friends among the ponies began to die as I realized that none of them wished to enjoy my night. They wished to bask in my sister’s day, to sleep through my night, to ignore me. The reality of my loneliness was horrible. The ambition and hope I had for having friends to converse with changed. It changed from friends to servants, from helpers to slaves. The goals I once held for bringing peace to ponies began to change. I wished for them to worship more than my sister, bow to me as I walked in the streets, and work for me at the sacrifice of their own comfort. It was a pain I couldn’t feel, not at the moment. I only knew the pain once I began to realize it.
It was in my struggle for ruling the eternal night I began to feel the pains of the body. I remember the sensation of a unicorn guard stabbing me with the tip of his horn, once they collectively realized how fruitless their weaker magic was against me. It burned my skin and seared my flesh. I paid him back in kind. Much later, through a trot in a destroyed earth pony city, a lucky mare was able to buck my side. I felt my leg snap under the sudden force, a cry of pain emitting itself from my throat before I had the chance to suppress it. The mare should have wished she could have suppressed even a fraction of the pain I returned to her. My ethereal magic quickly cared for my wound, but the pain was a thing of the mind, and unforgotten in its sensation.
Then my banishment came at the hooves of my sister. She, the one who swore when we were both foals ourselves, to care for me as a mother would and nurture me to be more than even she could ever be, sent me to my precious moon. It was an act that truly showed how unloved I was and how fruitless my dreams were. During the months that followed, months that turned to years, my body began to pain itself. The hunger from starvation, the thirst from dehydration, it all pained me in ways that I could not describe.
But I held my breath. I held a single breath in my body.
I did not know how long I would be on this plain rock, barren of the living or life. The hunger was a pain. The thirst was a pain. I would not allow myself to fall to any more pain. Anything I could do to relieve any of my pains was an action I was willing to take. So I would not cry, I would not shout, and I would hardly speak to myself for the duration of my banishment to the moon. As long as I held this breath of Equestria’s air in my lungs, I would be free from the pain of suffocation.
It would not kill me that I knew, the same way the hunger and thirst could not end me, but it was a pain that I rather wished to avoid. So I sacrificed a small comfort to prevent a greater pain.
But then… then I felt a new form pain.
In this empty abyss that I called my domain, as much a wasteland as my heart, I began to feel the beginning of symptoms I had only read in books or heard through my one time servants' activities. I dismissed it at first, thinking it nothing more than just a progression of my hunger pains. What else was I to think? Even the oddities that I began to hunger for did not bother me. I wished to eat greens I once though fowl and liquids that made my throat gag. But I knew it must have been my desperation for nourishment more than anything else.
So I forgot about it, thinking it was nothing. But then my belly began to expand, grow in a way I knew unnatural for one in a state of hunger. I should be becoming thinner, and my form should feel frail, but I did not. I felt stronger than before, my body filling out with nutrients and iron that I had not eaten in any form. There was nothing to eat on my orb of rock and no air to breath to give me strength. Yet still my stomach grew, and my form hardened as well. But even that, I dismissed. I am an alicorn, a goddess amongst the mortal ponies of Equestria and other life beyond. What my form is capable of, not even my sister and I can tell. The magic within me must have grown the nutrients to keep my immortal form alive. That was what I thought, and nothing more.
What truly made me begin to understand what was occurring was no action of my body, but of my mind. The hatred and loathing I had kept for my sister slowly began to disappear, leaving me with something that felt foreign. It was so long since I felt it, so very long that I truly believed that I had never felt it before. It was not the need to end life, it was the desire to protect it. I didn’t wish to rule others, I wished to lead. I did not hope to hold power, I intended to give it away.
There was only one emotion that I knew of from description alone capable of such thoughts. It was the same emotion I had begged the other ponies to give me after so many years, the feeling that my sister had neglected me for the sake of her duty, the sense that I had heard and seen so much of, but had long to truly experience.
It was love.
As the admittance of the emotion overcame, so too did the idea of what was happening to me. I was not sick. I was not in pain. I was not in any form of misery.
I was with foal.
I, The Nightmare Moon, Queen of the Night, Empress of Equestria, held a new, growing, life within my belly.
Not even the memory of Celestia banishing me felt so terrifying. I was to be a care-taker, a mother, a guardian to a life that was not my own. More than the life of a subject that would help provide for me, more than the life of some unnamed pony who depended on me. It was a piece of my life, a part of me. It was a bundle of my body, my mind, and my soul.
The thought, the idea, filled me with such hope and happiness that I forgot all of my pains of mind. The idea that I would be able to nurture a life to grow and live and smile was nothing short of uplifting to my spirit. And just the way it depended on me now, my body worked to help it. The way my magic worked to make sure my body could sustain it. My hunger was satisfied, my thirst quenched, all so that I could give this foal a proper birth. The thought made my head swim with warmth, but I couldn’t deny that inescapable outcome.
How this occurred even I do not know. Celestia and I never spoke of where we came from, and it was of little curiosity how we reproduce. Why would we need more alicorns when we already lived forever? But if giving birth meant I would gain this much happiness, then I truly wished that I could do so again. I shook my head. Not even my first foal was coming to me and I already felt my mind swimming with anticipation of the second. No, I had to care for this foal first. The future could wait for this precious present.
The months passed as my belly began to grow larger and larger. I found it a comforting act to lie on my side against the harsh stone of the moon and stroke my enlarged stomach. I could feel the life growing in me, a warmth not my own resting just beneath my own flesh. It invigorated me even more. Any sense of anger, dread, sorrow, or hopelessness I had possessed upon my departure from Equestria was gone to the solar winds of space. I felt only hope now as my fore-hooves held my dark belly, protecting it with everything I had to my name.
My name… What would be its name? I couldn’t possibly name it now, not yet, not until I was able to see its coat, its mane, and especially its gender. A gentle laugh came from my lips as a foolish joke entered my mind. Naming a colt Twinkle, or a filly Starbolt, would down right cruel of me. Humorous, doubtlessly, but cruel. So I would wait, wait until my child was born to me in my hooves. I would hold it close, whispering nothing but pride and happiness in its ears as I nuzzled it closer. I would keep it warm under my wings and I would make it laugh with my magic.
I sometimes wondered what the foal must think, if it could think at all. Did it know where it was? Did it know what its mother had tried to do? Did it hate her? No, not it didn’t. If it had ever hated me, it would not be giving me happiness. It would be stealing from my body, not helping it provide. It would be poisoning my spirit, not aiding it rebuild. No, this foal loved me as much as I loved it. Love, it was so sweet a word to say, and even more pleasurable to feel.
Is this what Celestia feels from her subjects every day? No, not even close. She did not hold her subjects this close. She did not spent the endless nights dreaming of ways to teach them her ways, to show them their purposes in life. She aimed to lead them, but not to guide them. For this foal, I would do that and more. We would spend the nights thinking of ways to use our magic, glide across the night skies with the stars' warmth upon our wings, and descend into the water of the oceans to cool ourselves off.
Maybe… Maybe we could even enjoy the sun.
I honestly wanted to see it again, at least against the blue sky of Equestria. I savored my night and worshipped my own prison, but even I now felt foolish for thinking ill of the sun. I enjoyed the night just as much as I found peace in my sister’s rising sun. When our two orbs met in the Equestrian sky, they formed twilight. When my moon set for Celestia’s sun, it formed dawn.
It removed the blanket of sleep for the reality of the world. It brought forth the dreams of ponies into the waking world. My night created the thoughts, but my sister’s day gave them life. That was no different than what my foal was doing to me.
This foal was my dawn.
Dawn…
I would name it Dawn.
Filly or colt, it mattered little. The name sounded pleasurable to both pony genders, and it fit so well to. I let the misery of my life consume me, turn me into a tyrant that I never wished to be. But now... now I have a foal that showed me how foalish I was. My sister and I were meant to rule together, and it took this life within me to realize that. It would be hard, it would terrifying, but I would find a way to bare my sorrow to Celestia. I would show her just how low I thought of my own actions, how deserving I am of this banishment.
But she would forgive me. I know she will. She is a loving sister, caring, and dutiful in all of her duties. A little less time for me as we grew, and more for the growing ponies around us. It made sense as I thought on it, with a clear head and love in my heart. Looking into the moon’s sky, looking down at the world above me, I felt hopeful of my… our return. It would be wonderful to taste the court’s food again, to feel the grass beneath my hooves, to feel the wind in my mane, to breathe the air again. Oh the air. The one thing that changed from night to day, the unseen element that was more manipulative that fire itself. I adored the air, and I missed it now. The air…
The air!
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO!
The air! My last breath! The last bit of air I had from Equestria! I still had it, locked in my lungs and keeping me from the pains. But my foal? How would it survive without it? How could I possibly live on my moon watching my foal in pain!? No! I wouldn’t allow this! I’d… I’ll… I’ll give her my air, I’ll give her everything I have! She can’t be in pain. I won’t allow it!
Not my Dawn. Not my Dawn!
I let the terrifying thought drag me into sleep, the exhaustion from my worry and silent tears forcing my body to still. The dreams of my night attempted to give me peace. I thought of my foal curling next to me as we curled under my sister’s sun, its breath against my coat warm and gentle. I watched it hours later try and fly into the sunset, flying through my night as I lit it with stars. Its face would look at me and smile, then laugh as I smiled back to it. It would descend on to my back, curling against me like I was a large doll for it to cuddle. Sleep would claim it before I could voice any complaint, and I wouldn't have the heart to wake it. My Dawn, my sweet and beautiful Dawn, depending on me in ways I never thought I would wish other ponies to.
When I awoke, I knew not why. My body was still tired, my mind still in a haze. The sun remained hidden on the dark side of my moon, and Equestria remained blanketed in my night. Why would I awake now? There was no need for me to awaken, no need for me to rise. Why would-
My thoughts were side tracked as the undeniable sense of pain wracked by lower body, quivering like lightening until it took up my entire form. I suppressed the need to groan, holding the precious breath of air in my lungs. Where did that pain come from? Did I harm myself in my own sleep? What would cause such a pain? I only hope that it did no harm to my Dawn…
I double the effort to keep my lungs closed as I nearly gasped in the void.
Birth… I was about to give birth…
The contractions pained me as I knew they would. It felt worse than the hunger of starvation, pulling my muscles in ways they had never moved before. The urge to scream came more than once as the pain only grew in intensity, but I ignored it, all of it. This breath in my lungs, I would give it to my foal. No matter how much pain the birth brought me, I would not waste my breath.
A surge of discomfort overcame me through the pain, and I immediately knew why. My magic threw the armor from my head and hooves away, letting them clatter some distance away in a crater I couldn’t care to remember. Barren and naked in a domain void of life, I struggled to maintain my silence as a lay on my back, pain erupting through my form. Each contraction hurt more than the next, the awful sensations of my muscles being twisted into knots adding atop one another.
Was I even performing the action right? Was this how I was meant to give birth? I didn’t know, and I wished for almost nothing more than to know. What if I made a mistake? What if I cost my foal her life for my foolishness? Another tight contraction nearly drew a moan of pain from me, but I held it in. They were becoming more frequent, more agonizing, with every passing moment. I didn’t know how long this had been going on for, but I desperately wanted it to end. The contractions were becoming worse, the knotting tighter, and pain greater and greater.
Then I felt it.
My Dawn’s form began to slide out from me, leaving the safety of my body and entering the harsh atmosphere of the moon and void. It was so agonizingly slow, painful in every way my body had experienced before, but I ignored it. I had to. I would not waste my breath upon pain when my Dawn when need it more than I.
It took more time than I had ever desired or wished to think of, but I felt my foal free herself from my body, now independent of me.
The pain continued to course through my nether regions, demanding I rest or lay still. But I could not. Not yet. My foal, my Dawn needed me. I could hear her gently crying in the void, fresh with life. I… I had done it. My Dawn was here with me, she was here on my moon, here with me. My hooves shook lightly as I stood, fresh with the memory of pain my body had endured. But I continued to endure. Standing just above her, I knelt to the knees in my legs. Merely the sight of her, bawling in confusion and ignorance of her new life, there was only one thought that worked through my mind.
She was beautiful.
A most breath-taking orange mane curled around her ears, softly descending blow her neck. Each fiber of orange clung around her as possessively as my own hooves did. It did not sway in the same manner as my mane or my sister’s, but it shined no less brilliant. Her coat was pink and warm by sight alone, colored and hued to match the adoration and love I had for her. Every now and then, between her cries, she would look up at me, still ignorant to the world around her, curious and new. Those red eyes of her were as beautiful as they were haunting. They matched her coat, her hair, and most importantly, the depths of my love for her. Her, mine, my little foal, my precious Dawn, a precious new life that was mine to care for. I let the tears of joy slowly seep into my dark coat.
Matted in my blood, crying softly in my hooves, she was the most precious and perfect little thing I had ever let my eyes lay upon. Neither the brilliance of my moon nor the constellations of my night dared to compare with this small foal in my embrace. I nuzzled her close, cherishing her form, her life, in a way I have done to nothing else. I let her wings blindly touch at me, feeling my face, mixing my tears with blood. Her feathers were soft and fragile, as I knew a foal’s form to be. But even so, it only made my desire to protect my Dawn all the greater.
I opened my eyes to watch her again, and that was when I knew something was wrong.
She was in pain.
“Breathe!” I shouted, the first word I have spoken in nearly a century. I knew it wasted my precious breath, but I could not stand to see my foal, my precious Dawn, in such a pained state.
“Please Breathe!” I shouted again, tears beginning to stain my eyes as I saw her, shaking with pain. Her wings twitched and hooves quivered as she lay on her side. Wide red eyes stared up at me, crying with tears of pain and sorrow. My own tears shed with the same ferocity at the sight.
“Here, take my last breathe, I held it for you.” I put my muzzle as close to hers as two objects would allow. I pressed her tiny lips to my own, forcing them apart before I placed my lips upon hers.
Then I released it.
I let the last precious pocket of air I had kept from Equestria’s lands leave my body and enter her form. My eyes remained open, as I would not allow them to shut, no matter the tears. It was working! Dawn’s chest was expanding. My air was filling the tiny foal’s lungs! I felt so relieved!
I knew the pain would start to come, start to overtake me with my suffocation, but couldn’t care. Not as long as my Dawn was not in pain. Her cries slowly diminished, the tears still present, but no longer falling. The pain was leaving her, she was feeling better. I was feeling better.
“There you go, good girl.” I whispered softly to her. I knew speaking as I was would only quicken the pain for suffocation, but I did not care. She needed to hear me, to be comforted by me. I nuzzled her closer encouraging her with everything I had left to give.
“Breathe. Breathe.” I continued to coax her. She had to breathe, she had to use that precious air. I would not allow her to fall victim to the pain. I would not allow her to suffer. Slowly, she rose to her feet, strength renewing as I continued to persuade her with my touch and words. She was feeling better I could tell.
“Breathe. Brea-”
I stopped myself as I watched her fall.
Dust fell around her as she lay on my moon. She did not move. She did not cry. She did not breathe. Nothing. She was doing nothing.
“Please… please no,” I whispered to her in the void, standing over her with my tear filled eyes. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen! She didn’t deserve this! My Dawn didn’t deserve this!
“That was supposed to last for-” a hiccup in my throat ended my sentence, my tears drowning my throat. I fell to my legs, pushing her moving her, desperate to see her move, even if it was in pain. Any kind of pain was better than this. No pain of the body compared to this pain of the soul. She had to move, she had to breathe! I… I didn’t know what to do. So I did the only thing my mind had left to offer. Standing as tall as my hooves would allow, I shouted.
“Celestia!” I called into the void, aiming my words to the planet far above me. “Send some air. Please! Can’t you see she’s suffocating!” The answer I received was the same as the void around me.
Silence.
The tears continued to fall from my eyes and I screamed in anger, in sorrow, in rage, in despair. The tears continued to fall from my coat, landing softly on the still blood dampened form of my foal. She didn’t move. She didn’t react. She just continued to lie on the cold dust of the moon.
“Stay with mama.” I whispered to my Dawn, nuzzling her wings with care. They didn’t twitch.
“Stay with mama.” I spoke again as I cleaned her coat with my tongue. She did not move.
“Stay with mama… please.” I fell to my legs, my head draping itself over her already cold form, fruitlessly trying to keep her warm. I could do nothing but weep.
“…you were to be my Dawn.”
As I cried into the void, my precious Dawn’s cold body just beneath, I let the sorrow consume me.
My night will last forever…
… Because my Dawn was gone.