Deadpool’s Equestria Girls Adventures

Chapter one

WHY ARE THEY HUMANS AND WHY AM I A TEENAGER?!

Hey there. Name’s Wade Wilson although you probably know me better as DEADPOOL! Sorry force of habit….anyways this is the story of my wacky adventures in the Ponyverse!

I groaned as I heard my alarm clock go off. I took a quick look at it before grabbing my favorite magnum and blasting the stupid buzzer into oblivion “Writer you better have a good reason to wake me up at seven in the morning!”

“Yeah! We were in the middle of a sexy dream session with our vampire wife!” Crazy whined

“Didn’t she and the rest of our family die in the latest arc of the comics?” Stuffy asked

“Yeah that was not exactly a good day for us. Stupid Avengers screwing with the universe! Anyways writer, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t blow your brains out!”

I got up and got dressed, feeling as if something important was gonna happen today

“I’m walkin’ on Sunshine! WOAH OH OH! I’m walkin’ on Sunshine WOAH OH OH! I’m gonna feel good!” I sang as I showered

I got out of the shower and hopped to the next scene where I had my costume on and prepared to take my daily trip through the multiverse. I of course planned to visit my favorite ponyverse where my friend Pinkie lived. We have picnics every Thursday. Anyways, upon entering the void between the universes I spotted a universe I had never seen before. It looked as if it were the world where all the humanized brony fan art from Deviantart existed together. Either way, it sparked my interest and I hopped into the universe.

The moment I entered I found several things alarming, the first of which was my appearance.

“Wait…why am I a teenager?!| Geez, is this what Kidpool was going through? Man puberty sucks!”

I then noticed my location as I seemed to be standing in front of a large high school with a horse statue in front of the school

“Oh god! Am I in Hasbro’s version of High School Musical?! That reference is soooooo early 2000s!” I yelled as I saw a group of familiar faces exiting the school wearing peculiar jackets and orange tinted glasses

One of the girls noticed me and waved me over “HEY! WADE, OVER HERE!” the human Pinkie called over

“Yo! Pinkster! What’s up?” I answered back as I walked up to the group of girls

For those of you wondering how I know a Pinkie that I’ve technically never met short answer: Fuck you I’m Deadpool Long answer: As fourth wall ignorers Pinkie and I know each other in every possible reality due to our memories being linked by the writers

“Ummm Pinkie…who is this guy?” Asked a hot flame haired girl that gave me a weird look

“Me and the girls were off to face Crystal Prep’s airsoft team” Pinkie answered back

“Yeah….Hey Pinkie how about we leave you alone with your old friend here while we set up?” the flame haired girl suggested

“Wow! That would be great! See Sunset! You are learning!” Pinkie replied with glee

“Yeah well don’t be late” Sunset answered back nervously as the other girls walked off

“So Wade what’s new with you?” Pinkie asked as she slung her arm around me

“Eh…Not much. Fought off an army of evil mes with the main universe Deadpool last week. ” I replied

“Is it? Wade look at your back!” Pinkie yelled as she pulled up my costume revealing a clear back that was free of any type of blemish let alone a tumor

“Well then…” ‘thinking…..thinking…..*ding!* IDEA!’ “Hey Pinkie anyway you could hook me up with that Sunset chick? She is like smokin’ hot!”

“Ummmm…..master mercenary! “ I spoke gesturing to myself “An airsoft match against a bunch of high school girls will be a synch!”

Pinkie and I made it to the forest that lined the back of the town “Ah! The smell of the outdoors! Smells like Wolvie before he takes his monthly bath!” I exclaimed

Pinkie simply smiled and ran ahead to meet up with her friends that awaited her as a large abandoned building came into view

“Wade. Welcome to Castle CinderPly! Home base of Team Shooting For Friendship!” Pinkie announced as the other girls walked out

“Sorry Pinkie but the Crystal Prep team canceled on us. Looks like we don’t have any one to face today.” The Human Rainbow Dash said in an annoyed tone

“Well don’t you worry Dashie because I have a replacement! Meet Wade Wilson!” Pinkie spoke as she gestured to me

“Pinkie no offence but he’s just one guy and he doesn’t even look like he’s much of a shot.” Rainbow replied

I gave her a look of disbelief through my mask ‘NOT MUCH OF A SHOT!? OH IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG SISTER!’

“You and your girls versus me in a one shot to kill match….and the winner gets to choose the loser’s fate” I spoke in a serious tone

Hold on….Writer I thought we agreed that I was a brony! How in the hell do I not know about EQG?!

You’ve been on missions so often that you’ve fell behind in the series…you do realize season five is half over at this point right? They just released the third movie last weekend.

Really? Well fuck. I need to catch up! I’m still half way into Season four! Where was I when this happened?

You were still recovering from the whole Princess Twilight fiasco and you skipped EQG because…well the same reason you said earlier in the story….

I prepped my airsoft AK that I “borrowed” from a local hobby shop and filled it with ammo along with my airsoft magnum revolver that was prepped and ready

A foghorn went off and I made my way through the building. I spotted a rainbow blur running through the hall across from me and I took aim.

As Dash dashed (Ha!) across the hall I let out a short burst of pellets hitting her in the chest

I walked down the hall and began to turn the corner to the right when I spotted the pair of Applejack and Rarity, the former wielding an Airsoft M-60 machine gun that was mounted on a bipod on a couple of boxes and the latter wielding an M16A4 model just around the corner

‘Hmmm…Alright, Serious Wade mode ACTIVATE!’ I thought as I thought out my plan of attack

“Well we have to figure out a way to get around that MG….perhaps a distraction?”

I picked up a rock and using my awesome skill, I threw it from around the corner across the hall bouncing it off the wall behind the two girls having it land just to the right of them in the connecting hall
____________________________________
I DP
I / _______________________
I I I
I I I
I I=I I Iʌ____________________
I AJ R I / \
I____________V_____x___________________

The rock distraction worked perfectly drawing the attention of the two girls but the moment I stepped into the hall I was shot at by a remote pistol that fired automatically which missed but scared the chimichangas out of me

I looked down to see a hair thin (literally) strand of pink hair that ran the width of the hall

‘A Trip Wire! Using Fluttershy’s hair?! Clever….wait…oh crap they know I’m here!’

Without thinking I shot AJ with a burst of pellets taking her out but had to dodge Rarity’s shots using my awesome reflexes

“There’s a reason they call me Ninja Spiderman!” I yelled as I shot up the marshmallow lady

“Shoot! Well I guess it’s up to Sunset and Pinkie for this one” Applejack said as the two of them made their way to the safe zone

I made my way down the stairs to the lower level of the fort only to find a room full of boxes on the right of the bottom of the stairs

I started flipping boxes over one by one until I got to the back of the room with the last box when out of the box jumped a wild Pinkie Pie!

"SURPRISE!" Pinkie yelled as she popped out of her hiding spot and fired off her rifle

I smiled as I teleported behind her and shot her in the back of the head with my magnum

“It would be on anyone else but you could have warped reality so it wouldn’t have hit you” I reminded her

Pinkie pouted in defeat. “Yeah, you’re right….I tend not to use my powers when I’m with my friends…..I don’t want to fry their brains” Pinkie said as she walked off the safe zone

Because it would ruin the story. Besides,your powers are limited by the world you are in. Your Cancer isn't the only change in this world you know. Anyways I'd find Sunset. She's waiting for you in the courtyard.

I only read ahead when it’s the stuff in the middle! I never read the ending! If I did I would be ruining the surprise!.....besides….last time I read ahead to the ending I ended up dying….I got better though….My life is weird

I made my way into the center square of the building and stared down the flame haired vixen that stood on the other end of the square

“How did you know I used to be a ginger?!” I asked as the hottie rolled her eyes

We both reached for our side arms but just as I had my revolver in my grasp I was hit five times from an unseen foe

First right between the eyes, Second in the Adam’s apple, Third in the heart, fourth on the barrel of my revolver and the final hit on the tip of my dick

I grabbed between my legs in pain before yelling in my falsetto “WHAT THE ACTUAL PHILOMENA! DID I JUST GET SHOT BY FLAPJACKING ANNIE OAKLEY?!”

The Fiery haired fox walked over to me and whispered into my ear “Nope….Just Fluttershy” She then turned and shot a thumbs up to a figure on the roof as the sniper quietly yelled “yay!”

“Ya certainly held your own Wade but challenging a world champion airsoft team wasn’t yer best decision” AJ replied with a smile

“Yeah…we won last year’s Vancouver Survival Games….all thanks to Sunset here” Fluttershy answered wrapping her arm around Sunset’s shoulder in a hug

Pinkie Pie gave an evil grin as an idea formed in her head. She whispered to Rainbow and Dash looked at her impressed

“You know Pinkie you can be evil when you want to you know that?” Dash asked her pink friend

Rainbow turned to me and spoke with a devilish grin “Okay Wade….your fate is….A date….with Sunset.”

Sunset turned to Rainbow in a state of shock “The hell Dash! I don’t want to date this freak!”

“Don’t worry Sunset. It’s just one date.” Pinkie answered back in a fiendish tone

“Ugh…fine. I’ll meet you at Potso’s Pizza in two hours….Wade.” Sunset relented knowing from experience that once Pinkie has something planned in her mind she will literally bend the laws of reality to make it so

Sunset begrudgingly pulled out a pad of paper and a pen and wrote down the address muttering equestrian profanities towards
the two schemers next to her and handed it to me

“Cool. See you in in two hours!” I said before walking off and teleporting to my apartment once I was out of sight

I finally got myself into my only penguin suit I had and looked in the mirror tucking a comb in my coat pocket

“I might need you later….and you” I said as I grabbed a condom and hid it in my wallet

“Good Question....hold on. If I just had the Deadpool Vs. Deadpool Event happen then how am I still alive?”

Interesting....Why do I feel like that's gonna bite me in the ass sooner or later.... oh well! Now, I just need to find this place” I replied as I pulled out my Iphone and pulled up my Google maps app

“Hmm…it doesn’t seem to be working…Oh right! I have to activate the multidimensional technobabble!”

“Sweet! Time to woo my fiery fox of a date!” I said as I teleported to the location

‘I wonder why she chose this place….kinda obscure for a date night….we could have gone to see a movie instead…oh well’ I thought as I heard the roar of a muscle car turning the corner

I looked to my right and saw my date pull up in a black 79 Pontiac Trans Am Firebird that had a custom airbrushed phoenix on the hood that’s flames rode down the sides of the car emanating from the wings and a red and yellow sun painted on the roof of the car

“Damn girl! Nice ride!” I said whistling at the ride only for my date to exit the vehicle in a black leather trench coat and a deep blue dress that ended at her ankles. Along with it she had matching high heels that she obviously hadn't worn before as she was rocking back and forth trying to find a comfortable position

I snapped out of my boner induced trance and shook my head combing my reddish blonde hair back and answered Sunset’s question “Oh um yeah! Let’s get eating!” I said as I led my date into the pizzeria

We both sat down and Sunset looked me in the eye and whispered “Look WADE this is a one time thing. Don’t even THINK that you will get any further than this table to me. I don’t know what you have planned with Pinkie but you can forget about it!”

“I have no idea what Pinkie was thinking. Whatever she has planned is beyond me and if it does involve me then she certainly forgot to mention it to me” I said in my own defense

Sunset gave me a skeptical look and shot back “Right….and I’m an alicorn. Oh well…you know after seeing you in that crazy costume and mask earlier I thought you’d be a heck of a lot uglier”

I slowly awoke from my slumber and looked to the clock next to me and noticed it wasn’t beepity beeping like it should

“Damn alarm clock….what time is it?” I looked at the clock again half asleep and read the time

“3:30…..3:30!!! Oh crap! I gotta get to SHIELD Headquarters before Fury gets pissed at me!” I yelled as I stumbled out of bed and onto the floor. It was then I noticed…I wasn’t in my apartment.

I grabbed a broom that was next to me and held it up in self defense “Stay back fiend!” I yelled as Sunset sat up yawning and looked at me her eyes dilating to the size of golf balls

“I DON’T KNOW!” I yelled back “Can you remember what happened last night?”

Sunset thought for a second and grabbed her head in pain “Well judging by my aching head we probably had a few drinks…..where are your pants?” Sunset replied

“OH HELL NO!” Sunset barked as she proceeded to chase me out of the apartment and throw my clothes out as well “AND STAY OUT!”

I looked in the pocket and pulled out a bottle of Pooljuice, my secret recipe of the perfect beer. It is sooo powerful that not even my healing factor could keep me from getting shitfaced on the stuff. I tried selling the stuff once but that got shut down by Shield when I had Wolvie try the stuff causing him to be more aggressive than usual…and the fact that he CAN be more aggressive scares me a little.

“Well damn…hey at least she doesn’t know I’m a mutant.” I said as I teleported away to my apartment

I sat on my couch Netflix and chilling through a marathon of MLP when my phone buzzed with a new text “Who the fuck has the balls to interrupt my ponython!?” I yelled grabbing my phone and read the text

Watch the new pony movie…it’s called Equestria Girls…..once your done come meet me at the café by the pizzeria that you had a date with Sunset at…we need to talk
~EQG Pinkie

“Weird…oh well I got an hour before Brad has to pack up…might as well…weird choice of name…Equestria Girls…whatev’”

“I….I-uh…mmm I-uh RRRR I SLEPT WITH A PONY!!!!” I finally yelled at the top of my lungs “FUCKING BEA ARTHER! I HAD ONE RULE! ONE! FUCKING! RULE! DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SLEEP WITH A PONY! WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING!? SWEET FAUST I’M SUCH A MORON!”

“Fucking Pinkie…I hate you right now…damn never thought I’d say that….oh well might as well see what she wants.” I said as I teleported to the café

“Wade….” Pinkie said as Sunset sat next to her glaring at me with a flame in her eyes

Sunset got up and grabbed me by the collar and shoved me against a wall and whispered in my ear in a furious tone the eight words I never thought I’d ever hear “I’m fucking pregnant because of you, you asshole!”

“Yeah…and because I can’t get rid of it you are gonna help me raise this thing whether you like it or not…and if you even think of running from this I will find you and I will personally chop your testicles off and shove them so far down your throat that you’ll have bloody white piss for a month!” Sunset whispered in a tone that could only be described as pure fury

Deadpool's Equestria Girls Adventures!

by DeadpoolMLP

WHY ARE THEY HUMANS AND WHY AM I A TEENAGER?!