The blue unicorn in a cape and hat entered the soda parlor at a sluggish pace. She went up to the counter, where an orange earth pony stallion with an unkempt black mane smiled at her.
"The usual, Miss Trixie?" he asked.
"You know it's too early for my usual. Get me a birch beer with a shot of cream soda," she said, handing the stallion a silver bit to cover her drink.
She stopped and looked forlornly at the cabinet behind the counter where she knew the bourbon was imprisoned. The Ponyville soda parlor was a pretty decent hang out place; the advanced soda fountain allowed for all sorts of mixes that you couldn't find elsewhere, but more importantly after 9 PM it would turn into a proper bar where liquor could be added to those same mixes. Sadly for the unicorn, it was still too early to be reunited with her good friend Mr. Bourbon. She could really use his support right now, but in the meantime her pony friends would suffice.
She waved weakly at two of them sitting near the small stage in the corner of the room. The stallion put her order next to her, and she grabbed it with telekinesis before heading toward the table her friends had selected. Trixie flopped on her seat with a groan, putting down her glass of birch beer gently at the same time, and looked at her two tablemates.
"You're late," said Lyra, who was seated across from her in that creepy slouch Trixie always found disturbing.
"I'm just five …" started Trixie before she glimpsed the clock on the bar's wall. "Okay, twenty-five minutes … yeah, I'm totally late," she finished, landing her chin on the table.
"And you look incredibly stressed," said Bon Bon from her seat beside Lyra.
"It's all that stupid paperwork I have to do! Who knew there was so many reports to do for bucking Ponyville! Did you know that every time Rainbow Dash skips on her duty I have three different forms to file out? Five if someone on staff complains about it! I'm just glad I got out of there before I found myself filed under 'B' for 'buried'!" She brought her hooves over her eyes. "I'll never have enough time to practice for my Eventime Festival show at this rate!"
Lyra took a slow sip of her drink, a lime soda and grass juice mix that was almost the exact same color as her coat, before she looked at Trixie again.
"Sounds to me like you could use an assistant to help you out."
Trixie's head went up immediately. "Of course! That's perfect! Plus you're still looking for a job, right?"
Lyra raised an eyebrow and stared at Trixie as she broke into an uncharacteristic smile. The magician aimed a pleading look at the other unicorn pony.
Lyra stared. Trixie smiled.
Lyra blinked. Trixie's grin faltered.
Lyra stared. Trixie's expression turned sheepish.
"I'll give you five bits if you put up my help wanted ad around town?" Trixie finally suggested.
The green unicorn sighed and closed her eyes. "I guess I can do that."
My little pony, My little pony
Ahh ahh ahh ahhh...
My little pony
Friendship never meant that much to me
My little pony
But you're all here and now I can see
Stormy weather; Lots to share
A musical bond; With love and care
Teaching laughter; It's an easy feat,
And magic makes it all complete!
You have my little ponies
How'd I ever make so many true friends?
The Element of Magic was pacing in her office while looking at the clock on the wall. It was almost 2 PM, the hour her ad said she would start receiving interviewees for the job of Administrative Assistant to the Representative. She hoped the complicated title would attract somepony serious. This was the first time Trixie would ever hire somepony, and, even though she would never admit it to a living soul, she had no idea what to look for in a candidate. She briefly wondered why the residency hadn't come with a staff and if Princess Luna hadn't just invented more forms for her to file as a type of punishment.
"We are most displeased! We must punish Trixie Lulamoon!" declared Luna to her assembled Night Court as they seemed to melt in from the darkness.
"Off with her head!" called a fat earth pony mare with a complex beehive hairdo and a brightly colored carnival dress.
"Send her to the Griffon Kingdom!" called a battle-hardened pegasus pony in outdated armor and scarred from battle.
"Neigh! Those brutish methods are hardly befitting punishment for the perverse trickery and humiliating failure Lulamoon is responsible for!" said Luna, casting the two members of the court into shadows.
"Erase her first name so that she may forever be known as Lulamoon!" declared a pegasus pony mare that looked suspiciously like Trixie's second grade teacher, complete with small sharp glasses and the ruler cutie mark.
The alicorn seemed to consider it for a moment. Finally Princess Luna waved a hoof, dismissing the pegasus to nothingness. "Nah, too cruel."
"Give her nothin' to do so that she drinks herself to death! On account of her bein' so bored," proposed an earth pony stallion who seemed to have stepped out of an old gangster two-reeler, complete with black and white coloring and Tommy gun slung around his neck.
"Better, but we are not willing to have her gain the support of Mr. Bourbon."
An old unicorn stallion with a white coat wearing a shirt with a ridiculous amount of medals pinned to it and sporting a monocle stepped forward. It was obviously the baron Duke Blueblood, the previous representative, that Trixie had never met but replaced.
"Then instead flood her with nonsensical forms and endless paperwork! Trap her in a never ending cycle of bureaucracy until all that is left of her is a dried husk in a pile of pencil shavings!"
"Perfect!" declared Princess Luna before bursting into an evil laugh, soon joined by the gangster, Blueblood, a pirate, a clown, and, even more frightening, a mime!
Suddenly the baron stopped laughing. "Oh my! I appear to have been backstabbed by my own kin! Well done, you may claim my monocle," he declared, falling on the ground to reveal a dagger buried deep in his back.
Another Blueblood unicorn, looking exactly the same as Duke Blueblood except lacking medals and with a blonde mane rather than gray, stepped forward from the darkness to claim the eyepiece and join in on the evil laughter.
This paranoid, and somewhat off-kilter, fantasy was interrupted by a spirited knock on the door that nearly made the blue unicorn jump out of her cape. She took a moment to set her face into a dignified and serious expression before trotting to the door.
Trixie opened the door to find a grinning Pinkie Pie standing on her stoop, the help wanted ad clutched in her mouth. Trixie closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and smiled at Pinkie. Then she slammed the door with her magic.
This was off to a gloriously bad start.
"So, tell me, Snails … why do you want this job?" asked Trixie, looking decidedly unimpressed by the young colt.
"Because I think you're just so dreamy and so pretty, Great and Powerful Trixie … I just want to spend more time with you! Can I have another autograph?"
"Job?! I came here for … for a … for a drink!" said a dark orange mare, obviously drunk.
Trixie wondered why she even let the obviously tipsy pony in. "This isn't Berry's bar!"
"Well, ya know, dude …" began the tan stallion, moving a lock of bright blonde mane from his eyes. "… I mean dudette … it's not cheap to go catch the waves down at Cayo El Bayo or Pasadenag. It's totally tubular, but it's, like … real harsh on the bits, ya know? So yeah, I want some good moolah to pay my trips. You dig, dudette?"
The blue unicorn shook her head to clear her mind of confusion. "Sure I can … dig … but tell me … Mister Coconut, what special skill can you bring to this function?"
Coconut's brow furrowed in concentration for a few seconds, just long enough that Trixie was beginning to doubt he had even understood the question.
"I can make a really radical hay shake!" replied the earth pony, pumping his hoof up in the air.
"Daddy says I'm, like … an expert at using a credit card? Says that it's why I gotta, like … get a job. So I guess that's, like, what I'm really good at?" said the blue earth pony mare as she twirled a strand of her orange-yellow mane in her hoof.
Trixie facehooved, but managed to stay the course and ask the next question on her mental checklist, more out of a desire to finish quickly than to really know the answer.
"What previous work experience do you have?"
"Well daddy asked me to keep an eye on, like, my little brother, ya know? So I did but then my, like, friend Emerald River came by and she had, like, these totally stylish new saddlebags, and I'm like, 'Girl, where you get that?' and she's like 'Girl, there's a sale downtown!' and I'm like 'No way!' and she's all 'Yes way!' so I totally had to, like, ditch the little brat and go shopping, but when I got back, daddy was all, like, 'You'll never watch your little brother again,' so I was like 'Yay promotion!' but then he, like … grounded me for a week. Adults are, like, totally weird, ya know?"
"Sir! I was part of the Third Flying Pikemen Brigade, Sir! Until a griffon spear clipped my left wing, Sir!" said the dark green pegasus stallion with a buzz cut green mane.
He was standing at attention in the middle of the room, looking straight ahead. Trixie could see that his left wing had indeed been badly damaged and was probably useless for quick military maneuvers.
"Uh, please call me ma'am, not sir," she said, having gotten tired of it already.
"Ma'am, not Sir, as you wish, Ma'am, not Sir!"
Trixie groaned in frustration. "I suppose your special talent is following orders to the letter?" she said with a certain venom in her voice.
"Ma'am, not Sir, I'm the best of the best at following orders, Ma'am, not Sir!"
"No, my cutie mark doesn't mean I'm good at making pillows; it means I'm good at taking naps! I can nap anywhere! In fact, if I wasn't talking to you right now, I think I would …" The light pink pegasus mare stopped her explanation to yawn. "I would fall asleep right here; those are some darn comfy pillows."
Trixie's face hit her desk with a loud banging noise.
"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" asked the pegasus pony, walking up to her desk.
"Yeah, but I think I need a nap myself," replied Trixie, her face still pressed against the hard wood of her desk.
She got up and gently escorted the pony from her office to her front door. "Well, thank you for your interest in the job, Miss Featherbrain …"
"Featherbed."
"Miss Featherbed, I'm sorry. Now I still have a few interviews to go today, so I'll let you go on your way. I should make my final selection in a few days; if you end up selected I'll be sure to let you know." Trixie pushed the mare outside without letting her point out that Trixie hadn't actually taken her contact address down.
"Have a nice day!" the unicorn finished as the door closed.
She collapsed on the floor in front of the door. Three hours of incompetents, whack jobs, and general idiots. She just wanted to sit down and have a nice quiet drink. Too bad she couldn't hire Mr. Bourbon for the job; things would go so much more smoothly. Then again, she doubted the paperwork would end up correctly filed; Mr. Bourbon tended to file everything under 'F' for 'fun'.
"Confound those idiots; they drive me to drink!" she muttered.
She was interrupted by a quick knock at the door. She slowly and reluctantly got up from her nice comfortable spot on the hardwood floor and went to open the door with her best professional face.
The Element of Magic found Pinkie Pie, a basket of cupcakes held in her grinning mouth, standing beyond the door. On the basket was pinned the help wanted ad. Trixie smiled, grabbing a cupcake with her telekinesis.
"No," she said, slamming the door closed.
At least she got a free snack out of this ordeal.
A soft knock came from the door. Sighing and not even bothering to hide her displeasure, Trixie swung the door open.
"Pinkie Pie, I told you …" She stopped as she realized she wasn't talking to Pinkie Pie. Behind the door stood a white unicorn mare with a bright red mane in delicate curls. She looked a bit hesitant at the outburst she had received. Trixie quickly offered a clumsy smile.
"I'm sorry, Representative; is this a bad time?" the white mare asked, with a slight accent that reminded Trixie of Stalliongrad and its barren frozen fields.
The blue unicorn shook her hoof in front of her in a frantic dismissal gesture. "No no no! I'm sorry; I just thought you were somepony else! Please, what brings you to my residency?"
"Oh, well … Hello! My name is Moondancer and I just got into town from Baltimare. I saw your flier up at the train station and was wondering if the position was still available?" said the white unicorn, pointing at the flier hovering beside her head in a halo of lilac light.
"Very much so, I'm afraid. Why don't you come in to my office and we can discuss this further?" said Trixie, stepping aside to let the other unicorn enter her house. Trixie noted that the unicorn's cutie mark was a soft blue moon crescent surrounded by five lilac stars. Ponies with a moon as part of their cutie mark were usually considered lucky; Trixie felt that a little more luck in her life might not be a bad thing.
They settled on the cushions on each side of her desk, and Trixie went through her list of questions in short order. Quickly she learned that Moondancer was, well, a dance teacher, but that the jobs she could find were only part time. She had worked in the public library in Baltimare for a while and didn't mind the office work at all; she claimed to be really good at remembering the purpose of each form and bringing up the right one in a second if prompted. She was also a coffee snob, and she would be willing to bring some of her own bean mixes to the job rather than let her boss drink what she qualified as 'instant dishwater'. She told Trixie of dancing under the moonlight during festivals and how she had earned her cutie mark that way.
"Miss Moondancer, I think you've got exactly what I need for this job! When can you start?"
"Wow, thank you, Representative Trixie! I'll do my best not to disappoint you!" The unicorn then put a hoof to her chin. "Hmm … I just got in town so I'd like at least a day to unpack; will the day after tomorrow work for you?"
"Absolutely!" said Trixie with a beaming smile. The sooner she could get help with those blasted papers, the better. She had a magic show to prepare and didn't want to disappoint any of the children; that just wouldn't do.
Trixie escorted her new assistant back to the front door while talking work schedules, salary, and promises of great coffee in the coming days. Trixie had a genuine smile as she bid farewell to Moondancer and closed the door before skipping to her kitchen for some needed food.
Trixie didn't hear Moondancer let out a sinister chuckle as she left the residency ground.
Author's note: Many thanks to FredMSloniker for help editing my horrible mistakes out of this chapter!