//------------------------------//
// XII. Consciousness 
// Story: Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony 
// by The Lunar Samurai 
//------------------------------//

	East hall was an unfamiliar place to me. Instead of the typical chaos associated with dorms housing earth ponies, stallions, and worst of all: both, I was met with a sense of beauty. the hall was beautifully crafted in the same style as that of the rest of the campus. The same ornate pillars held the same lofted marble ceiling with the same intricate carvings adorning its surface.
However, something was there, something I hadn’t yet seen on any of those magnificent walls. I could only describe it as visible laughter. The mares of East hall, of whom many had filled the lobby, had placed small colorful pieces of parchment everywhere. They were crude drawings of varying subjects, but their theme remained consistent, they were happy. This was a place that reveled in the fact that it was a community. The splash of color on the white wall would have come off as unbecoming to me on those first few days of university, but today I smiled at the sight. It reminded me that this wasn’t as harsh, unforgiving, and foreboding as the union and its pristine walls. This was a home, a home to dozens, and they were intent on keeping it as kind as they could.
The entire scene had taken my breath away, and as I inhaled, a new sensation met my mind. It was the not so subtle smell of mixing perfumes, flowers, and a faint wisp of body odor. The power of the smell caught me off guard more than the sight of the hall had. To this day, I can still remember that smell. It has left a burning sense of remembrance of that hall, of what the other world I would only experience on short occasion and in small doses.
My ears twitched to the sound of voices. It was chaotic, yet somehow the entire place remained peaceful. Small topics of passionate discussion were spoken in hushed whispers. Others were carried out loudly, but not angrily, between two excited friends from either side of the lobby. As I was taking in the sounds, my mind focused at the utterance of a familiar word. I tried to seek it out, hoping beyond hope that I would be able to find the source.
I heard it again, my mind still recovering from the stimulation of the dorm’s atmosphere. I swung my vision across the room, but I was only met with an absent source.
“Starswirl!” Amethyst whispered sharply as she stepped into my view. She furtively glanced at the occupants of the lobby before cracking a wry smile. “It’s impolite to stare.”
“Huh?”
“If you’re so interested in the mares here, why don’t you go talk to one?”
I could tell she was jokingly prodding, but that didn’t stop my cheeks from reminding the world of my embarrassment. I didn’t have a response, but she apparently wasn’t looking for one. As soon as she said those words she turned to the large pair of doors to the right.
“Alright, let’s go,” she said as she waved for me to follow. I quickly cantered to her side and walked into the modest hallway of the dorms.
Again, I was impressed with the atmosphere. The smell changed once more as did the sights, but the feeling of homeliness was still infectious in the air. Moreover, I was excited about the opportunity to spend the night studying magic. I could feel my confidence building as we trotted down the hall and entered the room marked 113.
“Welcome to my room,” she muttered as the door lightly groaned on its hinges. It took a bit for my eyes to adjust to the new environment. Instead of color, there was chaos, instead of pleasant smells, there was a slightly repulsive scent of colliding perfume hanging in the air. The only window in the room overlooked the edge of the mountain, but a cloudfront had rolled in, filling the surface with a strange white glow.
“I like it,” I lied as I carefully stepped over a small pile of books in the floor. Saying that her desk was the messiest part of her room would detract from the clutter that seemingly climbed the walls at the corners.
“Sorry about the mess,” she said as she made a feeble attempt to push a few of her studying materials beneath her bed. It would have cleared up the room a bit, but she had filled the space beneath her bed to the point where the action only prompted more things to fall into the chaos. “You can sit…” she started as a scowl spread across her face. She was scanning the room, trying to find a place for me to reside beneath the clutter. “Ah, you can sit here!” She pointed at a small cleared section on the floor. Well, calling it cleared would be a misnomer, but the ability to see carpet in the room would be considered a miracle, so I took it.
“Thanks,” I tried to sound as enthusiastic as I was, but my tone tapered off into a disappointed remark. Luckily, that flew right over her head.
“Great!” she exclaimed as she took a seat before what I presumed was her desk, “Now, let’s talk magic.”
“Yes,” I promptly agreed as she opened her book. I was eager to learn despite the conditions.
“So, Evenstar has us working on individual projects, as you know. Well, I’ve been working on modeling what I’m calling a field barrier.”
I could feel my head nodding, as though my subconscious was more fascinated than I was in the topic.
“Well, I’ve been wondering, how am I going to do something other than semispheres?” Her voice trailed off as she let her eyes drift shut. 	“Evenstar has always told us to focus on our worlds, to keep our mental realms fresh so they won’t degrade. He likes the phrase: ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it.’”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Like, you can lose your mind?”
Amethyst snickered. “No, you could lose your world. Now, I’d like to not be interrupted.”
“Oh, right.” I cowered at her words, they weren’t vitriolic, but they still stung a bit. I understood how she felt about not wanting to be interrupted though. As she drifted into her world I couldn’t help but let my gaze drift around the cluttered room. It was an absolute eyesore. Everything was out of place and chaotic. There was a part of me that wanted to stand up and begin cleaning, but I couldn’t even figure out where to start. This place was so unfamiliar I had no idea where to put anything.
Then I turned my attention to Amethyst. She was, for lack of a better phrasing, the least irritating thing to look at in the dimly lit mess of a room. There was something about looking at the mess that truly irked me to a level I cannot begin to describe. I would attribute that irritation to my own control over my life. I didn’t like messy rooms, it represented too much of my previous life, one that I was trying so hard to remove myself from.
Amethyst’s eyes opened and I was still caught in my stare. The same stare which just so happened to be focused directly at her face.
“Uhh…” she started as she backed her head away. “What are you doing?”
I was unable to respond, not because of embarrassment, but because my mind was acutely focused on the mess in the room and Amethyst’s face. For some reason she was starting to take a form in my mind as well. She looked like the light at the end of the tunnel, she had it all. Magic, mental dimensions, everything I could have ever dreamed of.
“Starswirl, can you stop staring at me?” That was the first time I ever heard a mixture of anger, confusion, and disgust all wrapped into one sharp sentence.
My cheeks, once again, told the story so I didn’t have to.
“You like me, don’t you?”
The only thing about the question that startled me was its straightforwardness. I honestly didn’t care much for anypony beside myself at the time, but the question still forced me to silence. After a few seconds she began to pry further.
“Is this why you wanted to come and study? So you could stare at me?” She was visibly upset, but curious about my action. She wanted answers, so I started giving them.
“Oh… uh no… I just wanted to talk about Evenstar’s class.”
“Sure you did… I’ll bet you just wanted to come see me in my room!” She was beginning to raise her voice. That only added to the redness in my cheeks. “See! You’re blushing!”
It was so difficult to say something in response, to put to rest her rising emotions, but I had to do something. Well, I thought I had to do something… “No, I was staring at you because I really can’t look at messy rooms. Like, you’re the only thing in here that isn’t messy so I just kinda started… staring at you…” As you can see, I was a master of the linguistic arts while I attended university.
It was her turn for her cheeks to grow red. “Oh… well… sorry about the mess. I just… never mind.” She sank back into her chair and began to retreat to her mental dimension once more.
The excursion had left me a bit flustered, but I was still interested in the magic. However, I wanted to learn, not just watch somepony drift off into a mental realm and forget that I existed. I wanted to be included, but that meant that I had to be on that same mental plane. I couldn’t study if I didn’t know the same as her. I didn’t know what to do. So, in my infinite wisdom, I defaulted to the same action once more. I began to stare at her once more.
Now, however, a new feeling replaced my consternation. You like me, don’t you. For some reason, that phrase rang through my mind. As it echoed, I couldn’t help but notice a small feeling I hadn’t felt since middle school slowly forming in my mind. You like me, don’t you. Well of course I didn’t, she was just another friend. Another friend who had been kind enough to remember who I was and who I wanted to be. Just another friend…
I still distinctly remember that train of thought, for it was the one that finally cracked my confidence enough to let reality rush into my bubble of isolation. The realization was sudden, and it stung me in a place I didn’t know existed in my soul until that point. I was alone. Nopony would have noticed if I had dropped off of the mountain’s sharp cliffs the next day. To them, I was another pony in the sea that swirled endlessly through the campus. With that thought, the thought that Amethyst was a friend, I immediately became aware of my surroundings.
I was alone in a dorm of mares on the unicorn end of the school. I was in a completely unfamiliar place in a world that I was still struggling to understand. I was trying so hard to become somepony I wanted to be rather than being somepony I was comfortable being. It was a life that I so desperately sought out I was beginning to completely lose sight of who I was. I was dying, and the only one who could save me was the very one who despised me. There was only one sense of familiarity in the room that was beginning to close in around me. That light of hope was Amethyst. She, above any of my peers was the only one who gave me the time of day.
And, as before, my gaze was directly affixed on her. And after my mind ran through those disparaging thoughts, I suddenly realized a new feeling slowly emerging from my heart. At the time I couldn’t place it, I didn’t understand what it was or where it came from, but something deep down told me there was something about her. If you had asked me at that very moment how I felt, I would blushed, realized the redness in my cheeks, and blushed more. I was terribly uncomfortable, but that was only the beginning of my problems.
As you can imagine, my traumatized mind was frozen in fear. And since I continued to stare at Amethyst as those thoughts swirled through my mind, I quickly became both embarrassed and, well, aroused. Not in any heightened way, mind you, but enough to evoke a certain select group of images to flash to my mind. It then escalated. Her eyes shot open once more, but this time she only saw my… well… wandering gaze.
As you can imagine, I’m not too proud of this incident, but I feel it adds a great deal to my plight so I shall spare you the details and continue. As you can imagine, Amethyst was flustered at my… visual indiscretion.
“Were you eyeing me!?” Amethyst shouted as she reeled from her chair. Her sudden movement tipped her chair past its center of gravity and she began to topple over. As she flew backwards, her scream of shock turned into a scream of terror. Luckily there was a large pile of books to catch her fall as gracefully as books could. She struck them with quite a force, scattering them through the room.
I remained where I was, watching helplessly as she immediately began scanning the room. She first checked to ensure she wasn’t injured, then checked the room to figure out what just happened, and then she turned her gaze to me. It was the fastest I have ever seen anypony realize their predicament, it only took a fraction of a second. At the time, however, I wasn’t too interested in her mental speed.
“You creep!” She shouted as she lifted one of the books beside her with her magic and rocketed it toward my head. I’m not sure how I avoided the first one, but I can tell you that the second one made up for the first’s taste for blood. It connected with my temple and sent me reeling in pain.
“What was that for?” I moaned as I rubbed the lump on ,y forehead.
“For looking at my ass!” Another book whizzed by my head.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered as my face grew bright red once more. I couldn’t say anything more. The book had nearly knocked the consciousness from my head. Another blow and I would be under if not worse.
“Sorry? Sorry?! Well sorry isn’t going to cut it!” Another book rose from the seemingly infinite pile around her. I was afraid. I knew she could kill me with the next book, and the look in her eyes told me that she wanted to. She wound for the pitch and prepared to send a hardback dictionary through my skull.
I was too delirious to do anything but raise my hoof in her direction, as though my feeble attempt would dampen the damage from the book she held. The seconds ticked by like years, for a moment we were frozen in time. My life didn’t flash before my eyes, but the room did. Everything around me at that very moment was burned into my mind as an image I can still see clearly today.
It still haunts me, but the feeling it evokes has changed over time. I still remember her eyes, the hatred, rage, and absolute anger that dwelled beneath them still brings tears to my own. The room was pale and lifeless, aside from the floating book that stood poised beside her. Everything around her was in complete chaos and yet, in that mental image, it seems tranquil. The only color in the room was Amethyst’s coat and her magic. Everything else was dull.
This was the first time I saw the true consequences of letting my mind wander. I had let my guard down, I sunk so far into my mind that I had forgotten reality. This would not be the last time I would let my wandering mind pull me from reality.
Then, I saw the dictionary move. I reflexively began to turn away as my mind snapped to reality once more. My action was an attempt to keep my face safe from the impending strike and to blindfold myself to the moment it would strike. In that moment I accepted my fate. I realized the damage I could have caused both to myself and to her, and I was ready to pay the price for my inconsideration. I wasn’t ready to die, I can see that clearly now, but at the time I thought I was. I thought I was getting what I deserved, a retaliation for my stupidity.
I held that position for what seemed like hours. In every moment that passed, my mind was filled with one question: “when will it come?” As you probably guessed, the strike never did. I was forced to pry my eyelids open and address amethyst once more. However, when I turned my head, I saw a sight that was confusing to say the least. Her demeanor had completely changed.
The fury in her eyes was replaced with sorrow. Tears were beginning to mat her cheeks and her pursed lips told me that she was holding back some powerful emotion. “I’m so sorry…” she whispered.
“What?” I asked as my heart began to slow.
“I… I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just… I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” She pointed at my head and stifled a sob.
I lifted my hoof to bump on my forehead. The injury hurt, that much was expected, but what was more concerning was the copious amount of blood that immediately began running down my leg. I was still fairly disgruntled from the first strike, but a powerful chill ran down my spine as I watched a small stream of blood snake its way over my fur.
I tried to make the words to describe my feelings come to my mouth, but as my adrenaline subsided all I could muster was a low guttural moan. My mind hadn’t noticed it before now, but a blistering heat was spreading from the injury. Within seconds, my vision began to blur.
“Amethyst?” I muttered as I tried to stand. “How bad is it?” I didn’t need a response, my body answered for me instead. My knees gave way and I stumbled to the ground. The world turned sideways as my head rested on one of the piles of books that covered the floor.
“Oh my gosh,” Amethyst whispered as she raced to my side. I could see her eyes scanning the room as though she were looking for something. I could see her mind pulling bits of information as she tried to figure out what to do. I wish I could have heard what she was thinking, I wish I could have been informed as to what was going on, but unfortunately I was completely isolated once more.
“Amethyst?” I asked as I tried to force my eyes to focus on her.
“One second,” she muttered as she quickly began swiping books from the piles around her. “Where is it…” she whispered as her search quickened. Books began to lift into the air, forming a queue for her to quickly sort through. I could barely keep my eyes open at this point, and forcing myself to remain conscious was even more difficult.
Unfortunately, although I remember the intensity of the scene, I cannot recall the series of events afterward. Many of the images were lost due to my delirium. However, I do remember one loud shout, possibly one of triumph, and the sound of hundreds of books falling to the floor. After that, I remember nothing.