"Now let's talk about Order #17. Most agents will be given this at some point in their careers, if not for training purposes then because it is one of those rare times where it actually has become necessary. In either case, you're an agent of the Equestrian Secret Service now, so you should be able to deal with anything sent your way whether this is a serious threat or not. And if you can't deal with it, chances are you're up against some kind of God of Chaos or cosmic avatar of destruction, in which case, nopony really expects you to go up against it and survive anyway, so you will be excused for failures in those areas
In a nutshell, Order #17 is E.S.S. speak for, 'you are now a very well paid bodyguard for the princesses'. They're immortal anyway, and can't actually be killed except by some special weapons and other equally powerful divine entities, but nevertheless alicorns can still experience pain, and that's never pleasant. You on the other hand are perfectly capable of dying, (unless you happen to be Agent W), so asking you to put your life on the line for the princesses may at first seem unreasonable.
Then you remember to 'shut up, maggot', because the E.S.S. is still technically part of the army, and that means you do as you're told no matter how unfair it is. Life's tough, deal with it. Not for us of course. Our lives are wonderful. We live in safety and security, have families happily oblivious to our shady dealings, and we get buckets of money to sit around telling you stupid grunts what to do. Yep, being an E.S.S. boss is pretty chill.
Anyway, get out there and start jumping in front of oncoming projectiles."
-Order #17, extract from the Equestrian Secret Service Agent's Pocket Field Guide.
***
To someone observing, the appearance of Lord Second's invading army was anything but ominous. A formation of yellow and blue pegasi flew in tandem towards Canterlot mountain, music blasting out of a sound system attached to their armour. Second rode on the lead pegasus, wearing his favourite duster and Stetson hat, and singing along to the music. All the while, he was backed up by a chorus of other ponies, their voices auto tuned to perfection by the speakers in their helmets.
"OH! I'm a cowboy! On a steel horse I riiiiiiiiiiiiiide!"
The pegasi were almost at the mountain now. They were level with the city itself, but Second's target was the graveyard located halfway down it. It was not the only burial place in the area, but if Second wanted to get his zombie army before he actually entered the city, they'd need to stop there first. So he directed them towards it. As they got in close, he prepared to dismount.
"I'm wanted!"
He leapt off of Silver Vein's saddle and plunged towards the graveyard, landing with a loud thud and causing the ground to crack at the point of impact. He rose to his full height.
"Dead or alive!"
Butterfly and Rainbow squads hovered up behind him, while a number of earth ponies and unicorns who had teleported here earlier trotted up from their position lower down on the mountain to meet them. Second walked through the gate to the graveyard. It was still way smaller than the graveyard up in Canterlot proper, but the one here still held hundreds of ponies. He smiled.
"Wakey wakey..."
He formed a claw with his hand and gestured for his new minions to rise, like he was conducting an orchestra. There was a rumbling sound. The ponies in power armour exchanged fearful looks as the ground began to churn. The earth around the graves was pushed away, and the rotting corpses of hundreds of ponies burrowed their way out.
They were a disgusting sight. Ponies of all races with sickly green or rotten grey skin, manes and tails dry and lifeless, pieces of flesh missing, bits of bone revealed, exposed innards, and all of them with a look of psychotic rage in their eyes. They shambled forwards towards Second. They weren't exactly running, but they were moving at a decent speed considering most of them didn't have all four of their legs functioning. Some of the pegasus zombies lacked even feathers on their wings. Could they still fly?
Second cackled like a madman, and the zombies all shuffled past, seemingly ignoring him completely. Most of them turned towards the main pathway and began to walk up the mountain towards Canterlot. One or two stray zombies wandered over to Second's troops in power armour.
"By First..." muttered Starpoint Two.
A zombie unicorn in the tattered remains of a grey suit, broken glasses hanging off his face and worms crawling out of his eye socket, lunged forward at Starpoint Two and tried to take a bite out of his neck. The pony inside the armour screamed and shook about to try and get the zombie off.
Ever heard auto tuned screaming? Hilarious.
"Stop whining, you pussy," said Second, "He's a corpse armed only with his teeth. He isn't going to get through that."
"I DON'T CARE! GET HIM OFF!" the pony shouted
Second casually backhanded the zombie, which hissed at him and then slinked off with the rest of the horde. Starpoint Two scraped a hoof against the ground in shame, while Second folded his arms and shook his head.
"Son, I am disappoint. VERY disappoint."
***
Soft Spoken, Gold Coin, Mystic Chant, Explodey McGee, and Captain Chain Mail all stood on the balcony leading out from their shared luxury suite in Canterlot Castle. Though the giant bubble shield of magical energy tinted their view a slight purple, they could still see the land outside the city clear as day. And what they saw was about two hundred undead monstrosities running up towards Canterlot's main gates.
The ponies were unclear about what to feel as they saw the zombies approaching. On the one hand, the dead had risen and were walking once again, forever cursed to shamble on, feeding on the flesh of the living and doomed to wander the places they had known in life out of some vague instinctual memory, a horrifying reminder of what they once were.
Then on the other hand, it was a bunch of corpses legging it down a cobblestone road, occasionally tripping up, and then rushing head-on into a giant purple shield which they would bounce off of and knock down their comrades like bowling pins.
Actually, they knew exactly how to feel about this. The zombie apocalypse was profoundly silly.
"So, looks like the end of the world guys," said Gold Coin, "Anypony want to play a round of blackjack before we die?"
"I would," Chain Mail replied, "but the royal guard is needed to repel our attackers, even if this does end up being pointless. As captain, I am required to help coordinate the resistance."
"And I can't play," said Mystic.
"We can teach you, can't we Softy?" asked Gold Coin.
"Yeah, I think we've got time," the old pony answered.
Chain Mail sighed.
"Well, you guys have a nice game. I'm off to die for my country now. See you."
"Actually, would it be alright if I came with you?" asked Explodey, "I'm immortal anyway, apparently. I could be useful."
"...That is a good point. Alright, you can come."
"Hooray!" said Explodey, "Suck it, you guys! I'm going to fight zombies! Can you say you've ever fought zombies? I can say that I have! Or will."
"Was that a challenge?" asked Gold Coin, "You think you can fight zombies and I can't?"
"Can't you?"
"I bet I can kill a hundred times more zombies than you ever could!"
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, huh?"
The earth pony grinned.
"Are you sure you want to bet against Gold Coin? Because Gold Coin never loses a single bit."
"Bring it on!" Explodey replied enthusiastically.
Gold Coin looked over to Chain Mail.
"Captain, go get me my minigun."
"Yeah, and get me one of the lightsabers!"
Chain Mail rolled his eyes and walked back into the suite again.
"Softy? Are you game?"
"I've never killed anypony in my life, and I don't plan to start now."
"What?" said Gold Coin, "You're not gonna kill zombies with us? You're not even willing to kill mindless, shambling monsters with no real life or personality anyway? And when you have the BEST weapons?"
"Huh?"
"Rainbow Six, dude! You've got Secopolis power armour! That's worth, like, ten miniguns!"
"Goldie, I'm a pacifist."
"Then tranquilise the zombies or something! Fucks' sake!"
"What will TRANQUILISERS do to a zombie?!"
"Oh, I don't know, it might fucking tranquilise them."
"Their own deaths didn't stop them! Making them sleepy won't do shit!"
Gold Coin facehoofed.
"Fine. Be that way. Me and Explodey are going to go blow shit up and have fun. And you can stay here and be a hippie!"
Soft Spoken's eyes widened in shock.
"What, did you call me?"
"I said you're a hippie, grandpa."
Soft Spoken butted his head against Gold Coin's.
"Nopony call me a hippie, sonny."
"Well then?"
Chain Mail walked back onto the balcony again, and dropped a minigun, two lightsabers and the Rainbow Six armour onto the floor. Soft Spoken began to suit up.
"First to a hundred kills wins."
***
"Your majesty!"
Commander Hail of Luna's night guards charged across the throne room, where he found Luna conversing with Prince Blueblood. He stopped just short of her, panting for breath for a second before saluting and giving her the news.
"Second's forces are at the gate and are trying to breach the shield! It's holding him back right now, but we're certain he'll find a way past it. He's got an army out there. It's an entire army of these...creatures...ma'am. The risen dead."
"What? You mean zombies?" said Luna.
"Ssssh!" Commander Hail whispered, "Don't use the 'Z' word!"
Luna rolled her eyes.
"So how many zombies are we looking at then?"
***
"...Are we all ready for this?" asked Chain Mail, as the group exited the palace, "I know that none of you have guard training, so I don't expect you to be capable fighters-"
"I killed an alicorn," Gold Coin interrupted.
"Yes, I know, but-"
"I destroyed the entire Mages' Guild," said Explodey.
"You're still not-"
"I'm wearing power armour equipped with missile launchers."
"Oh, fucking forget it!"
The group came to a stop as they passed the gates that separated the palace grounds from the rest of Canterlot. It was being watched by two very familiar guards, who both looked extremely nervous. The same ones that Dr. Heart Beat had been holding hostage for the past few days. They were looking much better now.
Chain Mail gave them an encouraging nod as they opened the gates to let them pass, and they smiled in return.
"Anyway, so if we are going to turn this into a contest, how are we going to keep count of kills?" asked Softy.
"We could just call it every time we get one," Gold Coin suggested.
"Actually," said Chain Mail, "I think it would be better if we all just kept count of our own kills, and call it when you reach one hundred. The winner would be the first to call it. That is if I can trust you guys not to cheat by calling it early?"
"Of course we won't cheat!" Gold Coin shouted, "What do you take us for?!"
"Well, be fair, I don't actually know any of you that well. It's easy to forget this little factoid what with us being the Elements of Harmony and everything, but do remember that I've only known you for five days."
"He's right," Softy agreed, "We really don't know anything about each other. It's no wonder our group dynamic is so dysfunctional and we argue all the time."
"No wait," Gold Coin interrupted, "That's bullshit. Twilight Sparkle and the original Elements only knew each other for a few hours before they fought Nightmare Moon together for the first time, and they got along fine even before that!"
"Ah," said Chain Mail, "But these are mares we're talking about. Notice that we're all stallions this time around."
Gold Coin looked from Chain Mail, to Softy, to Mystic, to Explodey, and then back to Chain Mail again.
"Holy shit, you're right. Is that why we're always at each other's throats and they weren't? Gender differences?"
"Makes sense to me," Explodey volunteered, "It's all that testosterone in the air. You can almost smell it. Or I can at least. That's normal, right?"
"Maybe this is our problem," Gold Coin suggested, "We're all approaching this Elements of Harmony business like the mares did. Emotional talks, hugs, and crying. Are we not stallions?!"
"YEAH!" the group shouted in unison.
"So we should do macho things to strengthen our friendship! Like...life weights! And...hoof wrestle! Or...we could..."
"Go for ice cream?" Explodey suggested.
"...That's not macho, Explodey," Gold Coin said flatly.
"I'm not a macho guy."
"Neither am I, truthfully," said Softy.
"Me either," said the captain.
Gold Coin looked surprised.
"You're not, Chains? I thought with the way you're captain of the royal guard and everything, being macho was kind of a requirement?"
"I skipped all our work-out sessions the moment my rank allowed for it, my office up at the castle is full of pictures of cats and my mother, and I keep a diary."
"...Well okay then. Everypony forget my suggestions. Ice cream is fine."
"...We don't have to keep up with the hugs and emotional talks though, do we?" asked Softy.
"I don't know. I think Sliske kinda needs it. Poor guy is a wreck."
Mystic sprouted fangs.
"Am not!"
"Oh hi, Sliske. Have you got anything to contribute?"
"I want to sssssay that I'm all in favour of our zombie hunting challenge. Count me in on that wager."
"The pot's up to five hundred bits guys! Whoever wins is buying the ice cream."
"Actually, can we get ice cream now? The zombie apocalypse begins in about five minutes, and I think we should go see the ice cream vendor ASAP, because if we wait until after the challenge is over, he may be dead or infected by then, thus no ice cream."
"This is true. Okay everypony! Ice cream, and then we kill zombies. Agreed?"
"Agreed."
"To Donut Joe's!"
***
Second strolled up to the very edge of the giant purple shield that covered the city. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched it. Nothing happened. It was like touching a wall. He expected it to burn, or shock him, or ripple, or bounce back against him like rubber. Nothing though. It was just solid. Solid and boring.
The human rolled his eyes. If there was going to be a final battle at all, he needed to get inside. Fortunately, he knew that Dramatic Convenience would find a way to get him past that shield. He pondered how best to bring it down for a moment, and decided that he may as well just attack it.
He stood and balanced on one leg and pretended to be a ninja for a moment, (and wasn't that a contradiction when he was still dressed like a zombie cowboy), before lashing out and karate kicking the bubble shield. Sure enough, the thing cracked, and the crack spread all the way across it. And just like that, the giant invincible shield that had foiled his entire zombie army so far shattered like a light bulb under the impact of a single kick.
Goddamn this story was stupid.
***
"THE SHIELD HAS FALLEN!" Commander Hail shouted.
"Curses!" shouted one of the guard ponies, "Who would have thought that a single unicorn was not enough to maintain a city sized shield?!"
Luna looked out through the window at the shield falling apart in stunned disbelief.
"We're in trouble," she muttered, "Everypony! To attention! We must coordinate a defence and protect the citizens of Canterlot! Commander, I want you to head to the roof and tell Spike and his dragons to gather as many civilians as possible on the outskirts of the city and bring them up to the palace here! We can fortify this place against Second's forces and evacuate them all together if things get bad."
She looked over to the giant minotaur sitting in the corner of the room, filing his nails casually.
"Agent C?"
He glared at her.
"You're up."
***
Once the shield was down, the zombies had no problem chewing their way through the wooden gates and forcing their way into the city proper. Ponies of all races screamed and fled as the undead began to swarm the street. Second sauntered through the chaos like he was taking a leisurely sunday walk, smiling all the while as terrified civilians got ripped apart and eaten before his eyes.
Two ponies in power armour kept pace beside him, one a unicorn in white armour and the other an earth pony in pink, both acting as his bodyguards during this battle while the rest of their squad mates flew about above or dashed around on the ground helping to blow shit up and kill the royal guards trying to fight off the zombies. They were hardly even necessary with all the zombies around, but once the horde spread out across the entire city, the ponies in power armour, who Second had just realised he had no other name for, would be necessary to defend individual zombies from the Equestrian military. Zombies didn't have much of a sense of self-preservation.
Second snapped his fingers, and the pink armoured pony produced a microphone for him. He held it up and addressed the fleeing civilians.
"Guess who's back in da muthafucking house, with a fat dick in yo muthfucking mouths? Lord Second, ladies and gentlemen! I'll be here all night!"
Nearby, a pink mare with a blonde mane screamed as a zombie ripped open her stomach and began to eat her intestines. Second raised his shotgun and blasted her head off to silence her.
"Oh hush, my rhymes aren't that bad."
He turned back to the rest of the city. Several buildings were on fire, and there was blood and dead bodies everywhere in the street. Most of the zombies were already progressing down several side streets or heading further into the city. Up ahead, a large crowd of ponies ran away down mane street, chased by an equally large crowd of zombies and being sniped at by armoured pegasi in the air.
"Play track twelve!" Second ordered.
The pink pony hit a button on his suit and music began to play. The human held up his microphone again.
"One of my favourites..."
***
"...What the fuck is that?"
Chain Mail twisted his head around to look down the street and saw a huge cloud of dust moving in their direction. He slowly climbed out of his seat and turned to face it, while his companions all just squinted at it, trying to decipher what was causing it. Then, a dozen or so royal guards emerged from the dust cloud, bloodied and sporting a wide range of injuries, all galloping as fast as they could down the street.
Then, from the same dust cloud, hundreds of zombies, running way faster than a dead body had any right to. They snarled and growled and gnashed at the air, and above them a number of pegasi in power armour emerged from the crowd. They all carried rifles in their hooves with the help of special weapon grips on the forelegs, and were casually sniping off the fleeing guards.
"...Time to go," the captain said quietly.
"Fuck that!" Gold Coin shouted, "Time for me to rack up some kills!"
The yellow earth pony slipped on the harness rigged up to his minigun, designed especially for his use, and he tugged at the strings on the front. The monstrous weapon came to life and began whirring. A second later, a hail of bullets sprayed from the end, and Gold Coin cackled maniacally as he mowed down the incoming horde of zombies.
"Hey!" Chain Mail said indignantly, "Don't aim for the zombies! Those winged shitheads are the ones killing my guys! You've got a gun, take them out!"
Though there were no established rules about whether or not Second's living minions counted towards their game, Gold Coin shrugged and turned his weapon on the yellow and blue ponies shooting at them from the sky. The minigun was surprisingly effective against their armour, and three dropped almost right away.
The others quickly learned that they were in trouble and began trying to evade, but Gold Coin kept on target and caught them one by one. Every time one fell out of the sky, a portion of the zombie horde running down the street would split off and jump on the corpse, desperately trying to rip through the armour and get at the body.
The best part about this, was that the group were able to take one look at all the undead unicorns trying to much their way through metal armour, and conclude that zombies were too stupid to use their magic. That was a major point in their favour.
"I want in on thissssssss," said Sliske.
Mystic Chant's horn glowed, and at the other end of the street, the fallen pegasus troops were lifted into the air. With some slight effort, Sliske ripped the guns off the hoof attachments of the armour and brought them down the street to them. The alien grinned with glee as he inspected the four new loaded rifles he had obtained.
"Oh, I haven't had anything like thisssssss in my possssssessssssion sssssince Zarlow. Bringssssss back fond memoriessssss of time on the target range...Not my memoriessssss of courssssse, but sssssstill..."
He floated them up and pointed them at the crowd.
"Let'sssssss ssssssee if I've ssssstill got it..."
Four zombies at the far end of the street suddenly had their heads burst like water balloons and fell over. Chain Mail meanwhile reached to the side and pulled out the black helmet with the triangular mouth.
"The tech guys were able to figure out how it worked and repair it," he explained, "The Vader One is back in working order."
The earth pony slipped the helmet on, and from the forehead, the metal horn emerged that allowed him to use Secopolis's special brand of artificial magic. From his side, a familiar silver cylinder slipped out of its confines. With a press of a button, a blade of red energy exploded out of the end, and he swished his weapon about in the air experimentally. Explodey used his magic to draw and activate the blue one.
"You ready?" the captain asked.
Explodey looked uneasy with his friend wearing the full suit again, as last time he had the helmet on they had been fighting, and Broad Sword nearly died. However, Chains was himself again now, and they were about to fight together, on the same side this time.
"Ready."
The two ponies nodded in unison.
"CHARGE!"
Lightsabers drawn, Explodey McGee and ponified Darth Vader charged down the street at the oncoming zombie horde.
And it was glorious.
***
"OH! I can't decide, whether you should live or die!"
Second grabbed a nearby royal guard by the throat and pulled him up so he was face to face with him.
"Oh, you'd probably go to Heaven, please don't hang your head and cry!"
The guard wet himself in fear. Second put his one hand on his heart and used the other to hold his victim at arm's length.
"No wonder why! My heart feels dead inside! It's cold and hard and petrified! Lock the doors and close the blinds, we're going for a ride!"
He tossed the pony away behind him into the middle of a crowd of ravenous zombies. He scrambled to try and get away, while Lord Second continued his musical number with his back turned, seemingly oblivious to him.
"Oh, I could throw you in the lake, or feed you poison birthday cake..."
The guard tried to run past Second to escape, but the human seemed to anticipate his movement and stuck out a leg to trip him up.
"...I won't deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone..."
He placed a foot on the guard's back to hold him down as the zombies caught up.
"...Oh I could bury you alive, but you might crawl out with a knife, and kill me when I'm sleeping, that's why..."
He released the guard just as the zombies caught up, and he moved for all he was worth to get away.
"...I can't decide, whether you should live or die! Oh, you'd probably go to Heaven..."
The guard was cut off as more zombies emerged from side streets ahead.
"...Please don't hang your head and cry..."
The nameless guard turned around again to look at Second and the zombies approaching from the other angle. He looked positively terrified.
"...No wonder why! My heart feels dead inside! It's cold and hard and petrified!"
He drew the Reaper's Horn.
"Lock the doors and close the blinds, we're going for a ride!"
Then the guard remembered he was a pegasus, and flew off.
"...Fuck."
***
"HOLD THE LINE BOYS! NO ROTTING FREAK PASSES THIS POINT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!"
"SIR YES SIR!" the soldiers chanted.
The lieutenant, a batpony of Luna's night guard, turned to face Spike. The purple dragon was laying on his belly in the middle of the road. His wings were stiffened and being used as ramps, as the ponies living in the residential areas around the block climbed onto his back in hope of safety. Most of the pegasus population had already made it to the castle, but a few who had unicorn and earth pony friends or family fluttered above Spike to make sure they got out alright, while saving space for more passengers.
"How long do you need?" the lieutenant asked.
"Hold them back for ten minutes," Spike instructed, "That should be enough time for me to get these ponies up to the castle and come back for the other half. Nonvulvahlok will be with you later to pick up any stragglers, so if I missed anypony, keep them with you until he arrives."
The lieutenant saluted.
"Sir."
From underneath Spike's wing, a giant minotaur marched over to him. The batpony nearly cringed in his presence, expecting that he was going to beat him to death on the spot, but instead he just produced a card.
"Agent C, representing the E.S.S.," the minotaur said in a gruff voice, "I have clearance to enter the battlefield."
The lieutenant nodded and stepped out of his way. The soldiers didn't move in time, and Agent C casually shoved them aside as he marched through into the war zone. He had a gigantic axe strapped to his back, but he didn't draw it. Instead, when zombies came near him, he just kicked them out of the way. Spike's eyes widened as he saw one corpse splatter all over the wall the minotaur kicked him into, painting the whole thing red.
"Dear Celestia..." muttered one of the soldiers, "I'm glad he's on our side."
The lieutenant glared at the guard who had uttered that last sentence, and began to throttle him.
"YOU SAY THAT WHEN WE'RE UP AGAINST ZOMBIES?! DON'T FUCKING JINX IT YOU ASSWIPE!"
***
The zombies at the end of the street were thinned out to just a half dozen now, and the sky seemed to be virtually clear of freaks in power armour. The group began to wind down again. Sliske was inspecting his rifles and tossing them away one by one as he discovered each one to be out of ammo.
Soft Spoken meanwhile, who despite claiming he would take part in the challenge still had not yet killed a single zombie, helped Gold Coin reload his back-mounted minigun. Chain Mail and Explodey returned from the front lines, both deactivating their lightsabers, and both covered in blood.
"We did good, team," Chain Mail said proudly, "I think we may have saved a few lives back there."
A cheery looking pony emerged from Donut Joe's.
"Hey guys, what's going on out h-"
His eyes went wide when he saw the five ponies outside the store coated in blood and armed to the teeth, and then he looked up and down the street at the mountains of bodies.
"This totally isn't what it looks like," said Gold Coin.
"GUYS!"
The ponies had barely noticed a lone zombie wander out of an alleyway behind Donut Joe's. It was close enough to the new pony who had just emerged from the store to bite him in the neck before Sliske grabbed it with his magic.
"AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" the pony cried.
The zombie thrashed about in the air for a moment, before Sliske ripped its head off and threw it away from them.
"Aggggghhhh!" the injured pony moaned, "That stallion bit me! Actually bit me!"
Soft Spoken took charge.
"Don't worry! You're going to be alright! Chains, check that alley and make sure we've got no more coming! Sliske, keep watch in that direction."
Explodey trotted over and tried to calm the stallion, who was now losing a large amount of blood through the neck wound, while Gold Coin whispered to Softy.
"He got bitten! He's going to turn! Haven't you ever seen any zombie story before?! We should mercy kill him now before the infection takes hold. At least that way he'll die as himself."
"There might still be a cure," Soft Spoken argued, "Medical cure, magical one, hell, maybe the Elements of Harmony can cure the zombies."
"Is that why you're still refusing to kill these things?"
The old pony was quiet.
"You're the best of us, I hope you know."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!"
The ponies all twisted back around to see Explodey now sporting a similar neck wound as the donut store pony, and donut store pony now with rotting skin, empty eyes and blood pouring from the mouth, lunging at Explodey again. Softy shot him with one of the tranquilisers from the Rainbow Six's dart gun, and to his surprise it still affected zombies, and his target dropped immediately.
"Shit!" Gold Coin cursed, "That virus acts fucking fast! That couldn't have been more than thirty seconds!"
Chain Mail was back from the alleyway. Despite Soft Spoken's attempts to take the zombie alive, he casually crushed its head under hoof.
"Explodey got bitten. Is he next?"
"Grrrrrmmm..." Explodey grumbled, "I'm fine...I just..."
The skin around his neck began to turn grey. The unicorn began to breathe heavily.
"NO! Please don't let me..."
The wound around his neck closed up with a swirl of green fluid, but the skin stayed grey and rotten. It stopped spreading, but it wasn't healing either. He sighed in relief.
"I think...I think I'm fine...I just..."
The grey patch began expanding again at a rapid pace, almost reaching his face before stopping again.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Help me guys! Do something! I don't know how long I can hold it back!"
"Explode, you idiot!" Sliske shouted, "Regenerate from ssssssscratch!"
"Good idea!" Explodey agreed manically, "Everypony back away! I need to make this a big one!"
"Get into the alleyway," Chain Mail suggested, "That way you won't spray your infected fluids all over us."
Explodey nodded and charged into the alleyway, out of sight. The rest of the Elements waited in anticipation.
BOOM!
There was a trickling sound as the green liquid flowed back to form a single mass again. They waited for a second, and then a unicorn walked back out into view again, rotten grey skin covering half his face as he smiled cheerfully at them.
"Hey guys, I think it worked! I'm feeling much better! Say, does anypony else feel really hungry right now?"
***
Second blasted the head off the lieutenant and then pulled out another box of shells to reload the shotgun. Zombified royal guards shambled about around him, and began eating and infecting nearby civilians. Above them, dragons flew about Canterlot, most of them heading in the direction of the palace.
"Sir!"
The human turned looked over his shoulder to see a pair of ponies in pink armour.
"Party Balloon One, what's the situation?" he asked.
"Rainbow squad has been wiped out sir!" the stallion in the armour repeated, "Butterfly leader is still active and reports half of her squad are down! Ground based troops are still going strong! Starpoint and Diamond squads report zero casualties, Party Balloon only three, and Apple just one!"
"Hmm," Second grunted, "That's still most of my aerial team down, and they're the most vital part of this operation. We'd best bring in the heavy artillery to compensate. Authorise full use of all tactical weapons."
"Sir!"
There was a crackle on Party Balloon One's radio.
"Sir! We got hostiles! It's a...OH FU-"
Static.
"What the hell was-"
Party Balloon One did not get to finish his sentence before he was sliced clean in half by a giant axe as big as he was. The axe embedded itself in the road and the ground cracked around it. Second looked up at a nearby building. A minotaur big enough to give the demon he faced in Sun Rise's mind a challenge jumped off, and fell down towards him and the remaining pony with his fist outstretched.
His fist smashed into the other pony's back, bending the power armour out of shape. Second could actually hear the pony's spine crack, but the minotaur's fist was fine. He pulled up to his full height. A number of zombies moved in towards him, but he yanked his axe out of the ground along with a piece of road, and used it to swat away the undead like flies, leaving just him and Second.
"Well, you're clearly a badass," said Second, "That means that you're either here to join me, or we're going to throw down."
Agent C raised his axe.
"Throw down it is."
Second of course started by punching him in the nuts.
***
"Daddy!"
Soft Spoken looked across the road to see a filly running at a zombie with a crippled foreleg. Her mother jumped forward and grabbed her, and dragged her away kicking and screaming.
"NO! NO LET ME GO! IT'S DADDY! DADDY CAME BACK!"
This was sick. This whole thing was sick and disgusting. Only a truly awful individual could conceive of horrors like this.
"FOUR!"
Soft Spoken turned to the other side of the street. A survivor out in his front garden had pinned down a zombie unicorn and was holding a golf club in his teeth. He watched as he smashed it into the zombie's head, which came clean off and flew fifty feet. It hit a board and fell through a basketball hoop in a distant playground.
"HOLE IN ONE!" the golfing pony proclaimed.
Nope. Scratch that. The zombie apocalypse was still unbelievably silly.
"Softy!" Chain Mail shouted, "Stop gawking! We need to keep moving!"
The earth pony was shook out of his stupor and continued to run ahead after the rest of his friends. Explodey followed a little way behind them, still unaware of what was happening to him.
"What do we do?!" asked Softy, "He's only got so long before he changes too! Then what?!"
"We'll deal with that when the time comes," Chain Mail answered, "For now, just make sure he stays behind us. If he does turn, we should still be able to outrun him."
"Goldie can't outrun him, especially not carrying a minigun."
"So then you'll fly him. Either way though, if we can't kill Explodey, we've got to be able to escape him."
"Kill me?"
"GAH!"
Explodey had caught up and was now galloping along between them.
"Why would you want to kill me? I thought we were friends?"
"Explodey..."
"You know what? If you never liked me, you should have said so! I can go find new friends! Meanies!"
He charged past them, catching up to the others instantly. They didn't even know he could move that fast.
Up ahead meanwhile, things went from bad to worse.
"So, Gold Coin, you're smelling delicious today. I mean good! You smell good. Damn I feel hungry. Is it lunchtime already? I feel like that ice cream should have filled me up more. What about you Sliske? Do you feel hungry? You smell hungry."
Sliske gave Gold Coin a confused look.
"Issssss he coming onto ussss?"
Despite the fact that they were running at full speed, Gold Coin still managed to facehoof again.
***
"Your maj?"
Luna ignored Blueblood and kept watching the city as the undead swarmed through it. Things were getting worse and worse. At first she thought they were turning the tide. From up here with her telescope, she observed the Elements of Harmony, Agent C, and the dedicated ponies of the royal guard wiping out zombies in droves, as well as the occasional heroic civilian with an improvised weapon. One resourceful pony was driving down the finance district in a bulldozer and running the zombies over.
Then the zombies reached the cemetery in the centre of Canterlot. And that's how Luna learned that as well as biting living ponies, the zombies could also propagate themselves with other corpses. They dug up the graveyard, tried to eat its contents, and then suddenly the zombie horde had a fresh supply of troops.
This was bad.
"Your maj?"
Still, at least the evacuations were going better. Despite a few slip ups, Spike and his dragons had rescued hundreds so far. Maybe thousands. The front gates of the palace were locked, and made of steel. The zombies couldn't get through that on their own, and Second was being handled already.
A green dragon landed on the grass below and let off a load of earth ponies. Most of them were sick and elderly, and they were accompanied by many doctors and nurses. That particular dragon had just come back from rescuing the ponies in the general hospital. At least they were all okay.
"LUNA!"
"WHAT, Blue?!"
"I dunno 'bout you, maj, but I'm not feelin' very safe 'ere. I's not gonna take Second more than a minute ta get through those gates, and when he does we're all in barney. I suggest once we get everypony 'ere in the palace, we get 'em all on dragon back again and abandon the city."
"No! We will not surrender! My guard will stand strong! It will take more than a cowardly murderer like Lord Second to take down Canterlot! This city has stood strong for thousands of years! We've come close to defeat before, but we never back down, and we never give up!"
She turned back to the city.
"Lord Second will meet his match yet."
***
CRACK!
Agent C smashed through the wall of a suburban house, flew through the living room, through the kitchen, out into the garden, cleared the fence, and landed on his back in the back garden of another house. He climbed to his feet again, and saw Second now standing on the roof of the house he had just been smashed through.
"Bitch, I'm putting you into prostitution."
The minotaur snorted and grabbed his axe, which lay next to him in the grass. He aimed it at the human and threw it. The thing spun through the air towards Lord Second, but fuelled by supernatural powers from beyond the universe, he avoided it with a back flip that would make Olympian acrobats green with envy.
He landed on the grass the other side of the large wooden fence, putting him just out of view. Agent C struck a pose, preparing for hand to hand combat. Then there was a loud crashing sound, and the fence suddenly came flying at him.
"BOOM, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Agent C soon found himself sandwiched between the wall of a house and part of a fence. The fence fell down, and he saw Second standing in the other garden still.
"You're so much fun, you know that?"
The minotaur went red in the face and screamed in rage. You could almost see the steam escaping from his ears.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IF SOMEPONY IS BEING A CUNT, GIVE THEM A GOOD PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!"
Fist outstretched, he ran at Second again, who just stepped aside and tripped him up. He landed face first on the ground. Before he could get up, Second sat down on his back. Surprisingly, he then found that he couldn't get up. It was like he had a steamroller parked on his back.
"Grrrrrrr..." he moaned, "How are you doing this?! How are you this heavy?!"
Second lit a cigarette and took a puff.
"Dramatic Convenience, my big blue retard."
"...What are you talking about?!"
"Never mind me. I've said too much already. Damn. That was an easy fight. I don't think it was even because I was particularly skilful. You just suck."
"Grrrr..."
"What's your deal anyway? Elite super soldier? Government experiment?"
"Equestrian Secret Service!"
"They must have some low fucking standards."
"...I only joined last week. This was meant to be my training course..."
"Awww...I almost have sympathy for you. But I don't. Oh look!"
The minotaur looked up as a lone zombie shambled into the garden.
"Get off me! Please! Do not let him get me!"
Second exhaled some more smoke.
"Sorry chief."
"NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! HAVE MERCY!"
"Ehhhh...Nope."
The minotaur thrashed about helplessly under Second's weight as the zombie reached him. It crouched down and began eating him alive. The human didn't pay any attention, just sitting in place as blood was sprayed over him and screams filled the air. He took another drag of his cigarette, and coughed loudly.
"What the fuck am I doing? I don't even smoke."
He tossed away his cigarette unceremoniously. He shrugged and walked off, and was soon followed back into the street by a zombie minotaur.
"It's good to be the Lord."
***
"We're fucked. We're so completely fucked," Gold Coin repeated, "What the shit are we going to do?!"
"Goldie! Shut up! We'll figure it out!" Softy shouted.
The group finally approached the gates.
"Let us in! We're citizens!"
The guards on the other side of the gate, still the same guards from before, looked hesitant. Chain Mail trotted up, and then they immediately opened the gates before he even had to say anything. The palace green was surprisingly empty, actually. Although the dragons kept on dropping off the evacuees outside, they were all heading into the palace for safety, not trusting the stone walls and steel gates to keep the undead out for long.
A number of guards waited outside on the green, most of them setting up defensive barricades and armed with crossbows, which sadly was the closest the royal guards had to the guns used by the Secopolis armed forces. Fortunately, zombies had neither, so they still technically had the advantage here.
Assuming they were all capable of performing perfect headshots with those things.
They looked up at the tallest tower of the palace. Princess Luna spotted them and flew down to meet them all.
"Thank goodness you're all okay!" she said, "The city's almost completely under their control now. We got most of the citizens to safety here, but many of them have since joined the enemy's ranks, and one of our best fighters just fell to Second. We must defend the palace at all costs. Fortunately, as luck would have it, there are plenty of capable fighters still here with us. Visitors to Canterlot who came for my sister's funeral, old friends and family of mine, and a few truly exceptional ponies who hang around this bar on the east side of town-"
"Princess."
"Yes, captain?"
"Explodey was bitten."
Luna blinked.
"...Somepony up there is conspiring against me to try and crush my spirit. No matter though! We shall persevere. If Explodey has not succumbed so far, he may still last yet. The Elements of Harmony may be able to save us. If we're lucky, they will be able to cure the zombie plague, including that in your friend."
Explodey was looking worried again.
"Wait, I'm still infected?! Why did nopony tell me?!"
"It just seemed sort of cruel when you were in such a good mood," Softy replied lamely.
"What do we do now though, princess?" Chain Mail pressed.
"Head into the palace, as quickly as possible. I want you to go to the throne room on the lower level. Find my steward, and tell him to take you to my sister's study. I had the Elements of Harmony retrieved from the royal archives and waiting there for you. Just reactivate them, and use them to cure Explodey and the rest of Canterlot. Simple!"
"That doesssssss not ssssssound sssssimple," Sliske protested.
"Oh, but it is! Just use the spark of friendship, and the stone balls should turn into your element necklaces. Then the Element of Magic can unleash their power just like any other spell with help from the rest of you. Sound good?"
"Uh..."
"Great! Get moving! Now! GO!"
The gang obeyed and ran off towards the palace, with the exception of Captain Chain Mail, who paused and looked back at the princess.
"Your highness, what will you do now?" he asked.
Luna spread her wings and rose into the air.
"I'm going to protect my subjects."
***
Prince Blueblood emerged onto the roof of the palace. This place was not meant to be so crowded, but nevertheless it was almost completely full with frightened ponies, huddling together in groups and whispering fearfully amongst themselves. Dragons surrounded the roof, either hovering in place or precariously perched on the tops of one of the many towers of the castle, or hanging from the spires.
Spike the Eternal was one of the many who chose to hover nearby, looking out at the city.
"Spike!" Blueblood shouted over the din of the other ponies, "Oi! Spike!"
"Yes?" the dragon replied.
"Canterlot is in a right state, and that mad bastard is gonna break down those gates any moment now! I don't trust this palace to protect us! I want you to get all your dragons to take everypony you've gathered up 'ere and on the lower levels and fly them to safety! Get 'em as far from Canterlot as possible! Take 'em wherever! Trottin'am, Las Pegasus, I don't care! Just make sure they're clear of here!"
Spike raised an eyebrow.
"Does Princess Luna know of this plan?"
"O' course she does! She asked me to tell you! Come on, shake a leg! We need to get everypony out of this place before those corpses get smart enough to learn how ta climb!"
***
"I, am, the, LORD!" sung Second.
"He is the Lord!" replied a chorus consisting mostly of surviving Starpoint squad soldiers.
"Lord of All!"
"He sees it all!"
"I see it all, this world is small and ready to fall!"
"It's gonna fall!"
"It's gonna burn!"
"Crash and burn!"
"It's your turn!"
"Equestria's turn!"
"It's their turn, to watch in concern, as I kill everything that they've learned, that lives in their world from the biggest beasts to the smallest leafy ferns!"
"Those leafy ferns!"
"Equestria you're up!"
"Yeah, you're up!"
"You're all fucked!"
"Completely fucked!"
"About to get fucked by an angry biker, out back of a bar in the middle of nowhere, where if you go screamin' no-one will save ya, 'cause Lord Second's here to explain that-"
CRASH!
"STOP WITH THAT INCESSANT SINGING!"
Royal Canterlot Voice. Now Second had to rearrange his hair. He did so, while he surveyed the alicorn who stood before him. Luna's eyes had gone pure white from the raw power of her magic. Storm clouds drew over the city and lightning cracked, and the princess inched towards him one step at a time, seething with rage like the human had never seen in her before.
"YOU MURDERER! YOU SHAN'T LIVE ANOTHER DAY, HUMAN! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES, AS A TYRANT SHOULD!"
"Yawn. I'm bored. Where are the Elements of Harmony? Aren't they meant to be the ones saving the day?"
Luna lowered her head and charged. Second spinned off sideways to avoid her attack and kicked her in the flank with enough force to throw her across the street. She recovered in the air before she struck anything however, and turned to face the human. Now airborne she raised her horn towards the sky and brang a thunderstorm down on her enemy.
Second jumped aside and dodged the bolts of lightning, running over to the building near her. To her surprise, instead of hitting the wall, he ran directly up it, gravity clearly not affecting him at all, and he flipped off it at the end to jump up and kick her underside. It sent her sprawling, but not knocking her out of the sky, unlike Second himself who fell back to ground level after his attack.
Luna focused magic into her hooves and dropped like a rock. She smashed into the ground with enough force to cause a gigantic shockwave which ripped up the entire street and caused a particularly damaged house to collapse entirely. Second was thrown off his feet, but recovered mid-air and landed just fine.
The two stood at opposite ends of the street now. Both were still. Around them, there used to be zombies and ponies in power armour. Now, all other combatants lay dead or unconscious around them.
The princess charged magic in her horn and unleashed a beam of power. Second inexplicably shot an identical beam out of his right hand, and both beams met in the middle and struggled against each other. She was certain Second was just making up new powers on the spot. There was no way he could always do all this.
Where the beams met in the middle, a ball of energy was beginning to form. At first it was about the size of a football, but it kept growing and growing until it was easily bigger than they were. At that point, it reached critical mass and exploded. The cataclysm was gigantic. Ponies up at the palace witnessed it, and the explosion wiped out the entire street, leaving just a black scorch mark and flat ground where there were once homes.
When the smoke cleared, Luna was still fine, though coughing and choking on all the dust. She looked around her in search of the human. Despite the power of the explosion, she still did not have a scratch on her. That was the nature of alicorns. They could feel pain, but you could never wound them, and without lasting injuries, not even the pain lasted long. The only thing that could kill an alicorn, was another alicorn, or at least something with enough power to do a decent imitation of one.
Of course, they weren't the only beings with a form of immortality.
Second leapt out of the cloud of smoke and grabbed the princess by the throat. He forced her to the ground and stood over her, holding her down with his impossible strength.
"So what's it to be then?!" he asked manically, also not seeming to have any additional injuries, "I can be injured, but can never be hit, and you can be hit but I can inflict no lasting wounds on you! So what do we do? Just fight forever until one of us gives up?"
"I'm never giving up!" Luna shouted, "You murdered my sister! You slaughtered innocent ponies! You've committed too many atrocities to even count!"
"You're breaking my cold, undead heart."
He smashed a fist into her face. She spat in his and tried to ram her horn through his exposed eye socket, but he jumped back off her and out of range. Then he reached into his coat and pulled out...that thing...
"Good thing I have a tie-breaker, no? And with one shot left as well!"
Her blood ran cold.
"NO!"
She tried to get away, but she was too slow, and Second shot her at point blank range.
He had done this to Celestia twice, but Luna never experienced it herself. She had only her sister's descriptions to help her imagine what it was like, but even her most vivid nightmares never compared to the act itself. She actually felt mortality, and it was the worst experience that could ever be inflicted on an alicorn.
She collapsed, crying and screaming in pain, and fear, and rage, but she didn't know how lucky she was. Second hadn't managed a killing shot. She would live. Thing was though, Second shot her in the horn. It shattered at the base, and the whole thing flew off, leaving a stump where it once was.
"Oh look, a trophy."
Second knelt down and picked up Luna's horn.
"Hmmm...I wonder if I can make this into a necklace..."
Luna continued sobbing on the floor.
"Do you mind being quiet? I need to gather myself. I must find some more zombies to lead into the palace."
The princess of the night was tougher than he gave her credit for though. Missing horn or not, she climbed right back onto her hooves, and tried to tackle him again, though not nearly as fast or energetic as before.
"YOU. WILL. NOT. HARM. MY. SUBJECTS."
Second grabbed her by the nose and held her in place.
"Luna, you've got no horn anymore. You're useless now. Go home."
He held up the horn to her eye. She winced, thinking he was about to stab her with it, but instead he just tapped the end of it, and it shot magic into her face. The princess vanished in a puff of smoke.
"Heh, heh, heh...Now...Elements of Harmony..."
He looked over in the direction of the palace. Behind him, he could hear the shuffling of his loyal undead minions, at the forefront of which was zombified Agent C, and the last survivors of his armoured ponies, including, miraculously, Silver Vein. Second gave them all an evil grin, and pointed at the castle.
"Onwards!"
***
Luna crashed onto the floor of her sister's study, much to the surprise of her steward and the Elements of Harmony. They were all gathered around Celestia's desk, upon which laid five stone balls, all inert and lifeless. Sliske was also standing on the desk, horn pressed to one of them. He was shooting sparks at it.
"Princess!" her steward cried in concern, "What happened?! Are you okay?!"
"Fine, Quill Tip," she lied, "I just need...time...to recover..."
"What's going on with Second?!" Chain Mail demanded, "Has he entered the grounds yet?! What are we to do?! Explodey is no better and we are no closer to repowering the Elements! These sparks do not work!"
"It's the wrong...kind of spark..." the princess gasped, "You need...the spark...of friendship...Realise how close your bonds have made you...that you are true friends...That is the spark you need..."
The ponies just looked to each other in confusion.
"I don't follow," said Gold Coin.
"Which one of you is the Element of Magic?!" Luna shouted.
"Well, our working hypothesis is that it's Sliske and Mystic together as one."
"What?! But that- There's only six of you now! Six ponies, six elements! Each can represent only one! The Element of Magic must have a moment of mental clarity, and realise their friendship with the other five of you, and realise which virtue, which aspect of friendship and harmony each represent! That's the spark!"
"But none of us know what any of us represent!" Softy protested, "We've made guesses but we don't know anything for sure! Especially if our theory about Sliske and Mystic is wrong!"
Luna groaned loudly.
"We don't have time for this!" she said desperately, "That psycho is out there now! He's going to bring down the gates any moment, and when he does...!"
There was a crash of thunder, and the ground shook. The ponies all fell over in a heap, and the Elements of Harmony fell off the desk and rolled across the floor like loose marbles.
"What was that?!"
***
Second kicked down the gates effortlessly. The guards fled the moment they saw him coming. Even the soldiers beyond, on the palace green with all their fortifications and all their weapons, just fled at the sight of him. Such was the power of Lord Second. His dark legend made entire armies turn and run at the mention of his name. Not even back in the old days did he manage that.
He stepped through the gates and strode across the lawn, up towards the palace. In his way, the white marble tomb of Princess Celestia blocked his path. He intended to walk around it, but stopped instead. He looked above him at the clouds. They all swirled around the spot where he stood, like the beginnings of a tornado.
Through the eye of the storm, the sun was visible. It shone down beams of light through the darkness and illuminated the area around Second and his army. From the angry storm clouds that circled that patch of clear sky, thunder and lightning struck. There was a loud boom like nothing ever heard before, and a beam of light shot down from the sky, though from where exactly, Second could not tell.
The beam hit the cover of the marble tomb, which exploded into tiny pieces and rained everywhere. The ground shook, and the human cringed as pieces of sharp stone rained down on him, and averted his gaze from the tomb. He knew what he'd see when he looked back though. He knew he'd see that regal alicorn in all her glory, floating above and ready to strike him down with righteous fury.
He looked back.
...He was sort of right. She wasn't flying, and this certainly wasn't all her glory.
The princess remained a corpse. She dragged herself out of her tomb, and glared at him with all the fury he expected her to. She was a mess; coat dulled grey, already rotting, and her face was nothing like it once was. She only had an actual head at all because it had been put back together to make her look presentable for her burial, and even the best cosmetic magic couldn't disguise the worst of it. This was a zombie through and through.
She still wore her weird little golden hoof-boot things, and they clinked gently on the stone as she climbed out of her tomb and onto the ground again. She spread her wings, and several feathers fell out of them, and in doing so she also exposed her scarred underside, from where she had been hit the very first time she did battle with Second.
For his part, the human did not break down crying and beg for mercy, even though that was clearly the most sensible option here. Instead, he merely gulped and held his ground. He raised the Reaper's Horn defensively, even though it was currently unloaded. He was such an idiot. He should have brought more ammunition with him. There was more back in Secopolis, but he had none on his person. He used his last shot on Luna.
What was he even thinking?! He couldn't fight her! Shooting her in the face with a 12-gauge only pissed her off! Where do you even go from there?!
"SECOND!" she screamed, "WE END THIS NOW!"
END
Author's notes:
You know, I love writing Second. Much as I hate him, he is incredibly fun to write scenes for, especially when he reaches such incredible levels of bastardry as he does here, and it's always a good time writing when he gets his ass kicked as well. You get a real feeling of catharsis, you know? I love writing villains.
Anyway, this chapter here may be a fair bit darker than you're used to. I really didn't want it to turn out like that, but even the campiest and most light hearted of zombie flicks feature excessive blood and gore, and if I'm going to write a zombie story, blood and gore was necessary. I have tried to balance it out with lots of comedy and silly moments, and not going into detail about the gore, but it's probably still pretty heavy compared to our usual fare. Especially towards the end, and for that I apologise. I can't make any promises, but I don't think the fic will ever get this dark again from hereon out, so you can sleep easy knowing that this is as bad as it gets.
I will promise you a happy ending if nothing else. 'Kay?
Next Chapter: Zombie Celestia vs. Zombie Second.