[Blazing's Entry]
It's not a sin to want to live.
Those were the words princess Cadence left me with after I explained everything. No matter how much I believed that all that had carried me before was the promise to Void I knew what the ending would be and all I had to do was nothing. Maybe all of them - both Voids, mirror Chokeys and Betty - knew that deep down I wanted to live. Perhaps they were right or perhaps it was just survival instinct, I have yet to find out.
Thinking back, the big change was when I stopped trying to survive, when I threw everything away and just went towards a goal in front of me. Back then it was easy though, just my life on the line.
I'm wrong this time, am I?
My failure would have brough death to millions but I didn't know that. I'm coming to the realization that I should have taken that stance earlier in my life. I've never been responsible for anypony no matter how many times I thought it. I should have thrown myself away and lived towards some goal and my life might have been completely different. I wouldn't have been hated by my family, I wouldn't have tried to die by moving to another city without any resources and a way back. I wouldn't have been through any of this.
Part of me is filled with regret but I think it might be wrong.
Sorting out my thoughts by writing things helps in getting a perspective. I couldn't have succeeded even if I tried acting the way I can now. I had to go through all the failures to come here. Maybe there's a little bit of wisdom in this and I should stop living in the past. I sort of have a marefriend, I've been offered a chance not to return to my old life but to continue my current one in the Nightguard and there is a young changeling queen who thinks I'm some sort of hero.
I think I actually might be happy. What do I want to do then?
I want to make ponies around me happy, even if it kills me... literally.
Why do I always end on a strangely creepy note? Let's correct that.
I want to make my daughter, my marefriend and whatever little friends I have happy and that just means I have to be there for them when they need or want me to.
NOTE TO SELF: I tend to forget when I get depressed so it should help to see it written from time to time.
- You are a moron, Blaze! You don't owe anypony anything, not your parents, not your friends. They chose to enter your life or have you enter theirs. You care for them because YOU chose to and they are important to you. In short: Stop overthinking everything! You aren't the center of the universe. You aren't responsible for everything bad around you.-
[End Entry]
It's been a week since the princesses decided to try and find a way to make Nightmares find their way into pony society as something other than predators. There were some problems in the attempts as none of them aside from Guiding Light could read, write or count. Despite that I recieved some letters from them today showing how fast they are learning. It seems the princesses decided that the first thing my changelings should do was to write a letter about things around them.
The letters were simple but I enjoyed reading them. If I was able to learn basic writing in a week then I would have considered myself a genius. One of them even drew me a little picture. Granted, it was a picture of princess Cadence's cutie mark with a lot of surrounding area done in pink crayon but it showed that the changeling responsible loved plots, just like his dad, granddad, whatever. I think I should just refer to them as my foals despite Guiding telling me that she's the only one from the first generation.
To be frank, they are simple. Not stupid, stupid creatures wouldn't be making decisions for the future and learning at an alarming rate but all they know is changeling fighting style. They don't even know strategy. Nightmare Moon was just using all captured ponies as food and broodmothers to spawn an immense mass of flesh and chitin to wipe out the world. Actually, that's even more of a reason to be proud of them.
My return to training the guard recruits was practically fluid because the official story is that I'm normal Blazing who only lost bits due to invasion. Funny thing is that I can use Betty to continue swordfighting like a normal unicorn without having to worry about having my concentration broken and losing control of my weapon.
Here I am then. Living a life which I gave up on long time ago.
"I remember ya being a lot softer on the recruits," a voice interrupts my daydreaming.
"That was before I knew that guard's job was to do more than just break up a bar brawl," I give Chokey a nod, well, maybe a little bow.
We share a look at four recruits who are trying to get past Betty flying in the air to get to me. Despite the Element taking form of a steel stick, none of them is doing great. When the Element turns to wave at my batpony one of the recruits uses the chance to get past my defenses and swing his practice sword at me. He realizes his mistake when his weapon hits my back too hard without any visible effect and the force wrings it out of his telekinetic grasp. I just bonk him on the head.
"Nice try, switch with whoever thinks he can do better, rest up and then go for standard practice exercises. Next time don't expect victory thought, the enemy might have an ace prepared just like I had which would result in your injury or death."
"Didn't that hurt?" asks Chokey, looking at the scratched spot on my armor.
"Well yeah. I can still feel the blows, the trick is to ignore the pain since no real damage was done. I've been through worse."
"So... is everything all right?"
"I guess. All this feels alien though, weird. I do my job, walk around for a while guarding some unimportant place. To complete my day I beat up a drunk colt who thinks anarchy is the only right way to go."
"Bored?"
"Actually no, I like this. It just feels like I should be doing more, saving the world again and so forth."
Chokey frowns for some reason.
"What would ya do if something like the invasion happened again?"
"I would have to deal with it somehow again, I guess. It's not like there is somepony else with the knowledge I have."
"Even if I was against you doing it?"
"Chokey, I love you. I'm not a pony to say it too often, heck for most of my life I thought I'd never have a chance to say it, but the painful and slow death of everypony would mean yours as well and as such I think your disapproval wouldn't mean much."
"Right now I don't know whether to punch or kiss ya."
"Why not both?"
Contrary to what I would have done - kissed her nose and blushed like a schoolfilly while my recruits kept laughing - she wraps her hooves around my neck and I don't try to stop her tongue even for a second. When we're done she softly hits the spot where my horn used to be.
"Ya were right, that was fun. I'm not here just to watch ya destroy recruits today though. I want ya to help me get better as well, I haven't felt more useless in my entire life than when I was in the Crystal Empire."
"I have serious problems with beating you up."
"Come oooon," she whines, "I get beat up, you're gonna give me a massage at home, we end up in a shower together, fun stuff happens."
"Thank you for distracting my newbies. If you said that any louder the princesses would have flown here and asked what was going on. The guys have trouble moving properly even without a long stick tripping their hind legs."
"Always armed and ready?" she grins innocently.
"Fine, I'll beat your rump black and blue. Well, just blue in your case."
"Great. What about the training though?"
"DAMMIT!"
I'll get her one time.
"So... gonna start today?"
"Not unless you can find one more pony to practice with. I could keep beating the living moonlight out of you but that wouldn't help that much. You need a real practice partner to spar with, I'd just wipe the floor with you without any real risk."
"I'll make ya eat those words."
"Can't be worse than your cooking."
Sweet sweet victory.
"You're gonna regret saying that tonight."
"Pfff, I've never even seen a mare up close until like two years ago. Do your worst if you think you can! My balls used to be bluer than summer sky."
"I've never even..."
She begins again.
"How could anypony use that as..."
"I give up," she ends and shakes her head, "You're one of a kind."
Turning weaknesses into strong points, a lesson without which I wouldn't have been here. All I had to sacrifice was pride and any sense of self-worth... totally worth it, just for this moment.
With that I release the four ponies fruitlessly trying to get past Betty before they pass out and get a different group to try. I wonder when they'll find out they can do the exercise as a group. I give them a month.
"Mmmmmmmfrh," Chokey moans into her pillow.
"Like my hooves?" I tease her a bit despite the sounds coming from her during the massage speaking for themselves.
"Uh huuuuuuhmmmrfm."
"Sorry for beating you up so hard."
"Woooorth mmmrmf."
"Do you want me to go lower?" I move from massaging her bruised sides and back towards her rump.
"Ysssssssss."
I play with the muscles on her round and full posterior and finally notice what I thought was the lack of a cutie mark. She actually has one but it looks like a dark blob almost invisible on her pitch black coat.
"EEEEP!"
"Oops. Too low?"
"Mhhhm... still better than your c-EEEP!"
"You were saying?"
"Don't stooooooop."
I keep massaging the drooling mare.