It was over.
I was curled up on my bed, my little alarm clock ticking away...
It was set for 7:00 AM, just like always. I'd walk Apple Bloom to school, do my chores, help Granny, help Mac, rinse and repeat for the rest of my life...
I could do that. It was all I could do. I wasn't a chef, or a musician, or a marefriend... I wasn't even a mare.
You are a mare! Shouted a tiny voice in my head.
I ignored it. Why hadn't I seen this coming? I was a freak, I had always been a freak and I always would be. I'd tried to be a mare, and I made things better, but I couldn't fix myself. I couldn't make it real... And so I left.
There was a knock on my door. "Sugarcube, are you alright?"
"Yes Granny." I answered mechanically.
Granny walked in in her nightshirt. She actually had a nightshirt and one of those little hats. She said they kept her feeling warm and fancy.
When I pretended I was a pony I'd thought that was funny.
She put her hoof around me. "What's wrong sugarcube?"
I cried. I cried and cried and cried some more, but it didn't matter. I was in love. I was a monster in love and it would never work out, ever.
"Shh... Shh..." Granny said, pulling me close.
That voice...
I know it sounds stupid, but... That was the noise Granny made when I was a little... Colt? Filly? That wasn't the point. "Shh... Shh..." Was what Granny had said when I cried. It wasn't 'I love you' or a lullaby or anything like that.
It was just a sound... A sound that told me she wanted to make the pain go away. Mom and Dad had used it too.
I kept sobbing and sobbing... I don't know how long I laid there. At some point I caught Applebloom and Big Macintosh peering in from a door. At some point they curled around me. At some point Winona came too.
Finally I cried myself out.
"Do ya wanna talk about it?" Applebloom asked.
I bit my lip. "Twi... I had to leave." Somehow I could feel more sobs coming on.
Apple Bloom was confused. "What? Did that pony say something mean to you?"
I shook my head. Winona snuggled up against me and I hugged her tight. "No..." I said, "I just had to leave... I love her so much, but I can't give her what she wants... I never could."
Applebloom looked confused. "Huh? Twilight doesn't seem like the kind of pony that would demand stuff."
Granny raised an eyebrow, understanding. "Applebloom... Why don't y'all go make your sister some tea?"
Applebloom pouted. "But I wanna help!"
Granny smiled at her. "You have helped sugarcube. Right now I need you to help by making tea."
She nodded, but didn't seem convinced. She wandered off nonetheless.
Granny looked serious. "Did that mare force you to do something you didn't want?"
I shook my head. "No! Of course not! I wanted... She barely touched me, but... I wanted more. We both did I think... And... And I can't."
Granny stared at me. "Youngun' of course you can! Didn't the doctors give you a clean bill?"
I gulped. "Well... Yeah, but... I still ain't normal. Twilight deserves better than-"
"Oh hush!" Granny cut me off. "Did Twilight say she didn't want you?"
I looked away. "N- No...?"
Granny put a hoof on my shoulder. "Then what are y'all doin' here?"
#
There was a knock on my door. I rushed down to open it.
Applejack was standing there. She looked like she'd been crying.
We matched.
She swallowed. "Twi... I want to be with you... But there's stuff you gotta know."