Essence sat in the Void watching a particular universe, holding some pancakes and nibbling on them. She had her focus on this particular universe because it was J.R.R.Tolkien’s Lord of The Rings universe. This one was on the bit before the five armies began fighting.
With a slight whoosh of Displaced air, a shadowy figure strolled into existence behind her, casually eating a sandwich. “Y’know, you could totally fuck shit up down there.” Aaron finished off his sandwich, now lightly twirling a pencil which he proceeded to tuck behind his… uh…. ear
thing.
Essence raised an eyebrow. “Why should I interrupt?”
“Because this story is going to be really funny, really stupid, or really badass. Why not make it the first and third and get your kicks out of the visceral thrill of having everyone around you know that they can’t do jack shit against you no matter how hard they try?” Aaron spoke airily, not even paying attention to Essence even though he knew that he was currently far weaker than her.
Essence shrugged, “Then how should I join in? Slow, or just drop in?”
Aaron shrugged as well, “I tend towards a massive flair for the dramatic, myself. Y’know, appear in the middle, make a giant flashy pillar of shadow, and then kill everyone except for whoever’s necessary.”
“Fine. I’ll drop in then,” and with that, Essence hurled herself into the universe, dropping into orbit of the planet and then plummeting downwards and several thousand miles per hour.
As the armies turned to face each other, a flaming asteroid, no, cat deity lady with massive ass wings, who knows why, crashed into the ground creating a very decent sized crater. Everyone stopped and stared as she stood up and popped her back, neck, and hands.
“Time for a little fun~[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RRCM228C0c]” she said, suddenly holding a trident in front of her. pointed at the orcs and goblins with it and made a ‘come here’ motion. Hesitant at first, the orcs and goblins charged as a horn sounded, only to meet their demise in literal nanoseconds. She only paused to switch to her swords which halved her time, leading to complete and total devastation of both orc and goblin armies, the worms, and the bats in 0.03 seconds. She then pulled Sauron from nowhere and took him out in 0.01 seconds. She then turned around and flipped Elrond the bird.
Aaron rolled his eyes, stepped forward, and promptly appeared behind Essence. He placed a hand on her shoulder and spoke with a damnable smirk on his face. “Essence, dearie, that’s not how you slaughter an army…”
With a twist and a yank, Essence found herself sitting on a nearby hill, six seconds before she had started her rampage. Aaron continued from his position, “THIS is how you slaughter an army.”
And he disappeared. Far below, Aaron slammed home in the middle of Sauron’s army, sending up a massive twister of shadowy blades and flinging orcs and goblins everywhere. As the army of monsters turned upon itself and began its defense, Aaron stood straight, blasting out his aura and tinting the landscape with shadows for miles upon miles. An oppressive feeling of pure terror swam through the minds of every living being there, even as Aaron took the slow route and glided through the assembled orcs and goblins like a specter of death. Even if Alucard did it first, Aaron found that taking enthusiastic walks was a rather calming pastime, even if he had to keep finding new ways of killing things just so he wouldn’t have to repeat a single method.
Frankly, it was a tougher job than one might think.
“Hepatitus C, lung cancer, decapitation, brain melting, eyeball explosion, disemboweling, implosion, explosion, singularity, Understanding, inside out, heard attack, malaria, pneumonia, ebola, black plague, thousand papercuts, cherry tapped, sodomized by ents, crushed by ents, sodomized by dragons, eaten by dragons, “eaten” by dragons, Slenderman, Freddy Krueger, Grim Reaper- hey, thanks pal, Sapphire Dragon, Shenron, falcon punch, FALCON PAWNCH!, four hour erection, erectile dysfunction, yeast infection, gender swapping, mutilation, self mutilation, exploding testicles, ruptured spleen…” Aaron’s announcements were clearly heard by everyone on both sides, even as the orcs and goblins attempted to run or hide, Aaron never wavered in his pace, ignoring any attackers and killing only the people in front of his outward spiralling path.
By the fourth hour, every last problem on Middle Earth was dead. Sauron had been eaten alive by hellhounds. After proceeding to smack the balls back into Elrond, Aaron disappeared from the sight of Middle Earth, dropping back into existence behind Essence with a smug, “Yeah, that is how it’s done.”
“I have another idea, if you want to see?” Essence asked.
Aaron raised a glowing white eyebrow, “Hoh? And what, pray tell, is that?”
“I’ll show you,” Essence reset the armies and walked out in front of the armies. “Damn it. Don’t you know? We’re all mad here.” Upon the word mad, the entire orc and goblin army went insane, murdering each other, and when they were done, she raised them from the dead, forced them to eat each other, and restored them, somewhat, only to send out a second wave of madness, causing them to all turn into BL. After some furious make out sessions, and an odd other Void Dweller dropping in to take pictures, she sent out a THIRD wave. This one causing them to begin to dance the chicken dance.
Gandalf and the others stood there as their minds tried to comprehend what in hell was going on.
Essence turned off the third wave and finally sent out a wave of energy causing all the orcs’ and goblins’ genitalia to grow rapidly before exploding into confetti. Very PAINFULLY. Finally, Essence walked over to Azog, leaned in, and whispered, “Boo.”
Azog proceeded to scream like a little bitch and stabbed himself to death, the whole army following suit, as well as every other orc or goblin in Middle Earth, as they had all experienced the events. Essence disappeared and reappeared above Aaron. Meanwhile, Sauron shit himself to death.
“That work?” Essence asked, innocently.
“Eh. More or less.”
“Shall we leave this world to its business then?”
“Sure. I need a hotdog.” Aaron disappeared, Essence quickly following suit.
This chapter was brought to you by the words, “Fuck” and “You”. Fuck you, for when you have no intelligible comeback.