Life is great.
Honestly, I wouldn’t believe a life was this great if I wasn’t living it. It’s superb, brilliant, grand, other synonyms. I could try and use words to compel the magnitude of my life, but no metaphor or comparison could possibly do it justice. This life is more than just some storybook happy ending. It is the combination of specific aspects that have all come together to make it so.
I have everything you could ask for in life. I have these great and amazing jobs. The first is designing and molding horseshoes. It has been the job I’ve dreamed of having ever since I was offered it. The other one is a part time hired hoof for Sweet Apple Acres. It’s nothing serious, I just help out where and when the Apples need an extra hoof. It’s great because it gets me out doing something, and gives a few extra bits on the side with it. These jobs have let me meet some really great ponies, and some of them are now my friends.
In fact, that’s another great thing about my life, the wonderful friends I have. There’s Noteworthy and Lucky, friends since I was a little colt. They live with me as roommates. Then there is Big Mac, Sparkler, Carrot Top, Derpy Hooves, and Bon Bon just to name a few. All of these ponies I would trust with anything, except maybe Derpy with easily damaged packages, but that’s a different issue.
I live in the best place of all of Equestria. Ponyville, home to the happiest and kindest bunch of ponies that I’ve ever seen. And by default of just living in Ponyville, I have the loyal friendship of Pinkie Pie to cheer me up whenever I need her.
But the best thing in my life by far is my beautiful fillyfriend Sassaflash. She’s flawless, kind, and did I mention beautiful? Everything from her golden mane to her brilliant gamboge eyes, but no, while they are brilliant, the actual colour is called ‘brilliant gamboge’; trust me I looked it up. But if there’s anything more flawless than that mare, it’s her eyes. I could look into those eyes for hours, but she’s told me that gets creepy so I don’t.
This is my golden age, it can only get worse because it can’t logically get better, and if it did I would break the record of best life a pony has ever enjoyed. A reward that would make me even more happy. Bringing me to unforeseen heights of happiness.
So why am I laying on my bed crying?
I tried to get control of my breathing, but that proved to be harder than anticipated, and I choked a little which made me taste the saltiness of my tears as I rolled over on my bed. My hooves were shaking and my entire body was trembling as the sobbing just continued, leaving me to helplessly lie in my own misery. I was ready to concede when I turned and noticed the light streaming through the window and into my blurred vision causing me remember the promise I made.
I forced myself to summon what little energy I had to snap myself back into place. I breathed in, stretched out my hooves to keep them stable and quickly forced myself out of bed. My hooves hit the floor and after a small stumble I regained a little composure and dragged my forehoof across my face to wipe away the remains of the morning.
As I started towards the bathroom, I let out a little cough which caused me to let out a whimper. I clenched my teeth and forced myself not to give in and go back to sobbing. I couldn’t just cry myself out today, I didn't have time.
I entered my bathroom and headed straight for the sink. Still a bit shaky, I leaned my chest against the sink giving me some balance and a chance to breath. I turned on the tap and started splashing the water into my face forcing away any red marks from the crying. I dried my face with a towel and grabbed a little mirror from within my cupboard and quickly made sure there weren’t any marks before setting to do the rest of the morning bathroom rituals.
I finished my routine and dragged myself out of my room, kind of ready to face the day. I made my way through the landing, praying I wouldn’t see my housemates. They could normally tell when something was wrong or off about me. As I passed both their rooms I noticed they weren’t there which made me hopeful that they had gone out somewhere, but that was crushed when I made it to the stairs and heard them talking over breakfast together.
“So, how did you sleep?” Lucky asked before tucking into his toast.
“Well, normally, I put my head on the pillow and things just go from there,” Noteworthy replied with a grin as he opened the morning’s newspaper.
“I swear if you make that joke again, I will kill you,” Lucky groaned
Noteworthy just chuckled as he read. “If you hated the joke so much, you’d stop setting yourself up for it.”.
I didn’t want to spoil the mood, and honestly, I would've liked to just listen to their antics for a bit, but I needed to get going to work, and the sooner I got my breakfast the better chance of avoiding a confrontation. So I cut my losses and road head first into the kitchen.
“Hey Caramel, how’s the morning treating you?” Noteworthy said with a smile as he noticed me come in.
“Erm… good, it’s treating me good… and, uhh, morning guys.” Well that was terrible. I swear I’m usually better than that.
I hurried over to the far cupboard, hoping that Noteworthy hadn’t noticed anything. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to be that lucky today. I caught him shoot a worried look at Lucky who sent him some kind of secret signal back. Those two spend far too much time with each other.
“So Caramel,” Noteworthy began cautiously “I know you’ve never really been a morning person but… well, you’ve seemed a lot worse lately. Everything going okay?”
It was then that I decided cereal bars would be the best breakfast. “Oh, er sorry I’ve had a couple of bad nights lately.” Now I just need to make some coffee.
“Well, in the evening’s you’ve been…” Noteworthy trailed off, seeming to struggle in finding the right words. Something most unusual with him.
“You’ve been distant.” Lucky said, joining in. “We’re starting to worry about you.”
I then suddenly fancied cold coffee. “I’m, well, I’ve just had a lot to do lately. You know with all that… stuff.” I grabbed two bars and pushed one into my saddlebag.
“I mean we just want to help,” Noteworthy carried on, giving me a saddened look. “We miss seeing your happy self. Going to the pub, hanging out in the park, our bi-weekly talks at Coffee Bean’s. We miss all that.”
It all clicked. I can just stop by the coffee shop on the way. I just needed not to cry, ignore the horrible pain in my stomach and head out the door. “I’m sorry, but I really need to help out at the farm, already late.” I turned to the door, leapt forward, and skidded past Noteworthy. Within seconds I was outside in the clear.
I probably could've handled that better.
Okay yes, I definitely could've handled that a lot better, but to be fair, I haven’t had my coffee yet. Dear Celestia, a cup of coffee was needed. The coffee shop wasn’t too far away, but I hungrily dug into my first bar, chewing thoughtfully as I trotted along. All in all, not the best way to start the day, but I rarely get a good start to days anymore.
But it was strange. Noteworthy and Lucky have never confronted me before. Had I really been acting that bad lately? I will admit, this bad patch has been considerably worse than others. I guess It’s just been a bit too much for me lately.
They were right that I’ve been a bit distant lately and I have missed occasions we normally spend together, and I know it’s bad to make Lucky worry. It’s not that I wanted to do any of that it’s just… I really needed that cup of coffee.
Thankfully, I soon reached the coffee shop, and to my immense pleasure there wasn't a queue, it would seem Celestia hasn’t given up on me yet. And with breakfast in my stomach and caffeine in my system I finally felt as if I could put on a smile and face the day. More or less.
The road to the farm wasn’t that long, it’s a good stroll. The weather was nice and the early morning sun was the cherry on top of what could have been a nice little bit of much-needed relaxation. Unfortunately, my stupid brain wouldn’t let that happen because it realized that if I’ve been distant to my friends, then I’ve probably been distant to my fillyfriend, which was more worrying than anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits, but she can be scary when she needs to be, mainly soft and caring but on a bad day your life is expendable.
I did make it to the apple farm in good time, so she probably wasn’t hunting me down, yet. But to my surprise, there was a mare waiting for me. Applejack was by the gate, looking down at a broken fence with a clear frown on her face.
Well, it wasn’t much of a surprise to see Applejack, if you think about it. She is Big Mac’s little sister, so normally when my help is needed she’s also right there too. We get along alright, and she’s nice most of the time. This last Winter Wrap Up she did get a little too angry at me for forgetting the grass seeds. But, I was the bigger pony and forgave her completely so there are no hard feelings… I just wish she thought about the feelings of others a bit more.
“Howdy, Caramel!” She called out waving to me as I got closer, acting as if nothing was going on between us. “You’re here mighty early.”
“Hey Applejack,” I replied with my own wave. Well, I have a brilliant work ethic that means I'm early, motivated and not forgetful ninety-nine point nine percent of the time. “Yeah, I woke up early and decided to just head off and get things started.”
“Well, it’s mighty fine to see you.” she said as she turned back to look down at the broken fence. I bet it was good to see me.
“Big Mac should be here any minute,” she continued. “Do you know what he needs you for?”
Does she think I have no idea what’s going on? I did not like what she was insinuating, that I aimlessly wander through life not knowing where I’m going, what I’m doing or what seeds I need to take. I barely managed to reign in an impatent huff, and instead cleared my voice and said “No actually, he just asked me to give him a hoof with something.”
“Ah, well, I think he was going to do some delievers in town, and get some bags down to the apple stand,” she replied, raising a rear hoof up and kicking the broken fence rail clean off. Alright I think you can agree that she needed to tone down the sass levels a little.
I got worried that if left any longer, things would get heated. I have nothing against Applejack, but if she kept up that attitude I would be forced to retaliate with some much needed enlightened thinking, and from there one of us could've said something they would regret. but the pounding fall of Big Mac’s hoofsteps interrupted that plan.
I glanced up the trail and saw him already hitched up to a large wagon, stacked apple bushes and bags were in it. He nodded to me and looked over to his sister, that bored look on his face.
“Ya heading out Big Mac?” she asked, not even bothering to look up at him and instead was digging around in the tool box. “Dang nabit, hammer is missing again, seen it?”
Oh Celestia, this was getting too much. I stepped forward and grabbed several of the bags out of the wagon, flipped them on my back, and began trotting off. Not long after that, I heard Big Mac and the wagon, slowly but surely catching up to me.
The journey alone wasn’t bad, it gave me time to think about how crazy Applejack was being. I think somepony needs to work on her passive aggressiveness. But when I thought about it, I realised that Big Mac was being a bit on the judgemental side too.
It was the way he stared forward, occasionally glancing down at me as we made our way into town. He tried to provoke something, asking about the day and how I was doing or some nonsense. I gave some polite, but short answers. I wasn’t here to be judged by him, him of all ponies! I had work to do! The sooner I finished up with these bag... things. Well, I had my own horseshoe shop and fittings to manage. These Apples clearly thought that their business was the most important thing in Equestria!
And then I realised that somepony else was trying to get to me as well. Those bloody weather ponies. It was hot, but not one of those hot days where you can sit back and have an ice cream, and it wasn’t one of those hot days you can go for a nice stroll down the park. It was the horrendous middle point in between where you can do neither. It was that weather which made you just feel uncomfortable. What did I do to deserve that?
And then I heard it. As if the day couldn’t get any worse. There was a bird singing out of tune. How can that happen? How can a bird be out of tune? The ability for birds to sing forced upon them by evolution. Whatever evolution is. All birds have the ability to sing so logic dictates that this bird can sing, which means he is choosing not to, so why was he choosing not to? The only logical explanation was that bird, like Applejack, Big Mac, the weather ponies and everypony else was conspiring to to get me down and force me out of the comfort and protection I have spent my entire life trying to achieve. And they think they can do that, well, I TELL YOU THA—
It had been a small bump, but for all I cared for in the world at that time, it was as if my very honor had been insulted. I spun around, my eyes falling on the mare that would dare commit this most grievous of insults. “Ouch, sorry didn’t see you th—”
“WHO THE BUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” I yelled at her. She took a step back, ears folded back and eyes shrinking into pin pricks as I continued on. “You think you can just go through your life with a smile not noticing what’s right in front of you! Thinking that as long as you stay moving forward everything will work out in the end? Well, I have news for you, life doesn’t work out that way! Why don’t you lift your head up and look once and awhile because not everyone is given a simple life that they can enjoy and YOU CERTAINLY WEREN’T!”
I probably would've carried on if she hadn’t started galloping away, crying like a fool. For a second, my anger held, and I felt my body start to go after her, but a firm hoof caught hold of me and kept me from moving.. I followed the arm around and was greeted with a very disapproving look from Big Mac. I kept eye contact with him for a second and twitched, I was in no mood to apologise.
I grinded my teeth together, struggling to remain in control. My vision became blurry, I was shaking from head to tail. “Y-you can’t…” I paused and tried to gather my wits and keep my voice from cracking, but it was all in vain. “You h-have no right, you… I was…” It was no use, the words were stuck in my throat. I just stared at Big Mac’s now blurry stare.
It was then I realised I was crying. I just standing there, in the middle of the street, letting it flow. Probably crying more than the mare who ran off.
All that anger was gone. It was just washed away by the tears. I felt so empty, weak. I didn’t want to shout, scream or be angry. I just wanted to cry. So that’s what I did, in the middle of the street with who knows how many ponies watching, I fell to my rump and cried.
I suddenly felt a strong embrace lifting me up and into something warm. I wiped some of the tears out of my eyes and slowly lifted my head and turned to Big Mac. He met my eyes and any anger he had possessed could no longer be seen. He was just looking back at me, hugging me tight and doing the one thing I needed right now. He was being there for me.
I don’t remember how long I just stayed crying into his coat. All I did know was when I stopped there was definitely a visible wet patch on his shoulder. I honestly didn’t want to end the embrace but just avoiding everything wasn’t going to work anymore. So I got back onto my hooves and wiped my eyes as dry as I could.
“Sorry about that, I’ll buy you a towel later.” I always did pick the best time to try and be funny, but Big Mac just went back to that disapproving look. “Yeah… I’ll find that mare and apologize. Then get back to helping you out.”
Big Mac just gave me a calm shake of his head in response.
“Hmm... yeah that might not be the best idea at the moment…” It was painful to admit but I was in no state to do any manual labour, my legs were more jelly than bone at that moment. And if there is one thing I’ve learned in my time, it was that talking to ponies while I’m not emotionally stable very rarely works out.
We gave each other an understanding nod and I handed him my saddlebags. I did feel bad for making him carry my load, but that was probably the least of my worries. My biggest worry was where I was going next, where I needed to go next. And so I prepared myself for the perilous encounter that awaited me. Sassaflash.
What made the whole thing worse was that her house was on the edge of Ponyville, way over on the other side of town. I think I will look back on that walk and see it as the worst walk of my life, and if it isn’t, I have one hell of a walk to look forward to.
What made it painful wasn’t the fact that all the ponies who saw me shout at that mare were watching me just stroll off. It wasn’t that they had just seen me break down and were now probably talking amongst themselves about me. It wasn’t even the look every passer-by gave me as they saw my teary red face. What hurt was that I had no idea what I was going to say to Sassaflash.
I did make it to her house though. There were a couple of moments in the journey when I thought I would just fall in on my legs, or just dig a grave to jump in and cut my losses. But there I was, her house staring down on me, just a wall between her and me with just a knock to change that. That grave idea was looking really tempting.
In the end, I summed up the courage and gave a weak knock. I had to see her, any other feelings were dwarfed by just how much I needed to see her. So I patiently waited as I listened to the rustling around inside; she was most likely rushing to make herself look presentable. I didn’t hear any bang from her quickly getting out of bed which meant she was up for the morning. I’ll have to congratulate her later.
“Coming,” she called from behind the door and a couple seconds later the door opened. “Sorry for the wait I was just… Caramel? Sweet Celestia, what happened to you?”
“Hey, Sassa. I was, just in the neighborhood and decided to say hi.” That may have been more convincing if I hadn’t immediately started to whimper. But she just did what I secretly hoped she would do; she held me tight in a hug. It wasn’t like Big Mac’s hug; her forelegs weaved gently around me and she gave me a soft nussel. I let myself be taken into the embrace and wrapped my forehooves around her and just held on for dear life.
“So,” I whispered softly into her ears. “Do you want to take this inside?”
“Heh, you always choose the most appropriate times to be funny,” she chuckled.
“Tell me about it,” I replied with a weaker chuckle while still holding on tightly.
“... If you want to come in you’ll have to let go.”
“We can shuffle in perfectly well like this.”
“We said we’d stop doing that after you hit your head badly last time.”
“It wasn't that bad.”
“You had a minor concussion,” she insisted, pulling out slightly to give me a disapproving look.
“Emphasis on minor.”
“Emphasis on concussion.”
Between you and me, I could have won that little argument if I could think properly. But since I couldn’t, I let her have that one, like all the other arguments we have. I had a little sniff and reluctantly let go so that I could walk into the house with her.
I trotted through the hall with Sassaflash, shoulder to shoulder as we headed for the lounge. I did have to make a quick detour to put her pair of winter boots under the stairs, from in the middle of the hall. I can’t understand why they were there, they weren’t there last time I was here, and it’s the middle of summer. It didn’t make any sense, what possible reason is there to have them out. What will I see next? Her surfboard blocking her stairway in the middle of winter. Again.
I chose not to mention it and just silently went with her into the lounge. As soon as I got in I was greeted by the wonderful smell of freshly picked flowers in a vase on the table,and decided to settle onto the sofa. I leaned back against the soft armrest, and laid my head down. I love that lounge; it’s so colourful and homely.
Despite the mess it’s much better than the one back home. Now that is a mess in the looks department. Noteworthy, Lucky and I can agree on most things, but decorating is not one of them. If you think decorating is hard in general, try mixing Lucky’s frankly spartan design taste; Noteworthy’s urge to use walls to stick up notes and music sheets; and my apparently ridiculous need to make things look nice.
In the end Lucky and I decided to give Noteworthy the biggest room so he’d stop using the lounge for his notes; we then managed to decide on a couple of compromises, unfortunately those compromises involved no nice colors or flowers, but I did win on keeping our sofas and paintings. Despite all this, it still looked terrible, I think it’s the reason our next door neighbor Rarity doesn’t come round anymore.
Oh, I’m sorry, that really gets me going. So then Sassaflash plops herself next to me and cuddles right up, draping her wing over my back. She was probably worried when my face turned angry, but I decided against telling her I was just thinking about my lounge. She’s heard me rant enough about that.
“So you having a bit of rough day?” She asked, breaking off from her nussel.
“You... could say something like that,” I managed to reply. Nothing else really came after that as she looked at me. It came to my attention that I didn’t have a way to explain this to anypony, let alone the light of my life. And I was also terrible at talking in emotional situations.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” She asked with a reassuring smile.
I replied with a cough and a grunt. Not the most elegant thing I could have done, but it was all I could muster. The majority of my willpower was dealing with the sudden pain in my stomach and stopping myself from breaking down again.
Seconds went by as I watched her hopeful smile fade away slowly. She turned away to look at the floor and sighed. Her grip around me had loosened. She glanced back at me for a second to give me a sad little smile.
“You know Caramel,” she began. “We’ve been dating for a very long time now, I honestly can’t imagine my life without you in it. I do remember before we started going out, having this stupid school filly like crush on you. I always made sure I got the Wednesday park duty, just so I could talk to you when you went for walks with your friends.”
She giggled and leaned a bit more into me. “I always made it more sunny than I was told for you. Later I started to make it colder on certain days when you had that rant about how it was in between the two types of sunny you liked.”
We gave out a little chuckle but mine turned into a slight sob. “I changed the weather up so much I lost that post on the weather squad,” she continued. “ I got so upset about not being able to see you. But we bumped into each other at the coffee shop one day and when I told you I was reposted you simply asked ‘do you want to hang out sometime.’ I played it cool but all I wanted to do was scream with happiness. And soon those days of hanging out together with our friends turned into hanging out as just the two of us, and then into dates and then slowly but surely, I began to fall in love with you.
“I knew at the beginning you suffered from depression regularly, I also knew you wanted to take it slow and so it would be a while before you let me into why. So I dealt with that, whenever I got word you were depressed I arrived in a heartbeat, I couldn’t do much but I thought if being there helped you in any small way, it was worth it.
“When you started opening up to me I was so happy because I thought we could finally deal with what was causing these issues head on… but even when it felt you had said everything you could, it seemed that there was this box in your heart that you wouldn’t let me touch,” I couldn’t tell if the feeling in my chest was from guilt or just sadness, whatever it was it hurt enough to bring back the tears. “You’ve always been here for me, whenever I needed something, you’d always drop everything and be there. No matter how sad or angry I got you would always stand by me and get me through it. Whatever I needed you’d deliver, even when I didn’t know what I needed myself.
“There are so many things I’ve been able to face with you that I could never have faced alone. Even when I know you’re depressed you will always try and put my feeling first and when my mom died… I will never be able to make it up to you for just how much you did for me during that painful time,” She looked directly at me with her pleading eyes and held me tighter than she ever has “Please, just this once, let me help you, give me a chance to help you like you’ve helped me so many times before. That’s all I ask, please.”
“I… I’m.” I couldn’t stand it anymore, the building pressure in my chest was just too much. I darted up, shaking her off a little bit and turned around. “I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry.” I had to leave. “This is all my fault.”
I rushed out of the front door and into the street, ignoring all the screams of my name, and I galloped as fast as I could down the road. I had to get out of there, all that pain I've caused. I’ve hurt her so much, and it’s all my fault. All my fault.
* * *
I take back my earlier statement. Going home was the most painful walk I’ve ever had in my life. I couldn’t run the whole way home, and my brisk pace quickly slowed to a simple walk. Despite suffering from a very bad lightheadedness that had been building up all morning and then having it tip over the edge from that gallop...I was still thinking about her.
It all got so badly out of hand. My entire life was falling down around me and the rubble was landing on everyone I cared about. How long is this going to go on for?
As I dragged myself around the corner that led to my house, I wondered what I was going to do. I had humiliated myself to everypony I had passed as they could all see my tear stained coat. I hurt the feelings of some random stranger, and everypony who saw probably see’s me as a monster. I failed Big Mac and left him to clear up the mess, and take care of today’s work, alone. And I still can’t believe just how badly I’ve messed everything up with my fillyfriend.
I reached my house around noon, fully intent on barricading myself in my room. Seriously, I’ve had just about enough. I needed a plan, something, someway to get out of all of this. Or, I could just become a Hermit, one of the two. But who to really turn to now about all of this? I gave a sort of mix between a groan and whine as my hoof press down on the handle and pushed the door open.
“Surprise!”
I stood in shock, staring at the sight infront of me. The hallway was covered in party decorations and balloons, there was a banner above the doorway to the kitchen that read ‘Happy We Are Here for Whatever You Need Day’ and below it there was a cake that had the same words decorating it. In the middle of all this wasn’t the pink pony that these scenes normally came with, or the crowd of ponies ready to have a good time.
Instead there were my two best friends standing awkwardly with party hats on their heads.
“Who’s ready to party!?” Noteworthy called out at me, a big goofy grin on his face.
I looked at him for a moment, blinked a few times and thought about just backing slowly outside, and getting on that noon train to anywhere-but-here.
“Erm,” Lucky added, clearly seeing my hesitation. “We were worried about you so we decided to throw you a small party to cheer you up.”
“A very small party,” Noteworthy continued with an eager nod as he pulled out a silver party hat and held it out to me. “Just the three of us. partying the night away.”
Noteworthy Flung his hoof out to throw the party hat at me, in the hopes I would catch it. Instead it hit me on the foreleg and landed softly on the ground in front of me as I remained in my stunned stillness.
“So yeah…” Noteworthy continued with a cough, trying to move on from that awkward moment “The great thing about this party is that it’s easily adaptable to your needs.”
“You want to sit down and drink away the pain, we got enough booze for that,” said Lucky.
“Or if you want to eat the pain away, we made one hell of a cake,” said Noteworthy pointing at the cake on the kitchen table.
“Or both!” Lucky added with a suspiciously hopeful smile.
The shock had began to wear out and was being replaced by the thoughts of just how weird this whole situation was. I couldn’t think of anything to say in response to this, the best I could do was give them a slight head turn with a confused look.
Lucky sighed and trotted over to me. He put his forehoof on my shoulder and looked directly at me. “Listen, I’m not very good at this, and honestly, I asked Noteworthy to do the talking. But you and Noteworthy, are my very best friends. I would do anything for you guys, and nothing going to change that. So if there is anything you need us to do, anything at all, just say it, and we will do everything we can.”
I leaned forward and pulled him close into a hug. I didn’t cry. I had done enough crying today. Instead, I let a little smile appear on my face. I let myself have a little bit of happiness from his words. “Just be here, just promise me you’ll be here with me.”
“I promise,” Lucky confirmed as he squeezed me tighter.
Noteworthy thought that the perfect time to join in and wrapped his forelegs around the both of us to give us both a much tighter hug. The moment would have been measurably nicer if they both weren’t still wearing their party hats, but it was just like them. Always knowing exactly when I needed them; think of some stupid idea to cheer me up that normally involved them looking ridiculous; and then give me every ounce of their effort until I was better. What great deed did I do in a previous life for this because I know I didn’t do it in this life.
I knew I had to end the hug. I didn’t want to, but I knew I’ve had too many undeserved hugs that day. Everything that had happened today; all the heartache I had caused myself and my friends over the years. It was all my fault, all because of my inability to do something about it. I couldn’t just hide from this anymore. I had no more options and whatever the consequences, I had to face them.
“Okay…” I began hesitantly. “I need to tell you both something, something I've been hiding for far too long. Not only from you and everyone else, but also in away from myself. All I ask is… please don’t hate me.”
* * *
Train rides. I think it’s universally considered the best way to travel nowadays and for good reason. I mean come on, what’s not to love. There’s the delightful noise from the engine as it chugs along, there’s the exciting atmosphere as you see loads of ponies going about their daily lives, and don’t get me started on the view.
Alright fine, there’s nothing else to talk about so I’ll go ahead.
As someone who spends quite a bit of time looking at views from windows, benches, hills, etc. It’s safe to say I’m pretty much an expert on the subject. I will tell you while all those views are good, they all have one problem. They are all stationary. Views from trains, on the other hand, are always moving, you just look out into the lovely countryside that will, before your eyes, turn into plains, then a desert and then snow. Yeah I don’t understand Equestrian Geography either.
You can just stare out the window for ages, never getting bored of the sights, that fast heartbeat you get from how pretty they are, the sweaty hoofs you get from the fact you are just thinking about the journey.
Yep, my increasingly worried face is just a caused by how much I was not thinking about what’s going to happen when I got off the train. I was living in the now, or the then, tenses always confused me.
Alright, I admit it, I was extremely worried. I’d been worrying about this since we decided we would do it. I haven’t got any sleep since last night. I hadn’t been that worried since my third grade school class play, where I vowed never to do stage performances again. It all happened on a Tuesday… no wait I can’t go into that now, sorry I ramble when I’m nervous. But can you blame me, you know why I’m nervous… Oh yeah sorry, I forgot to fill you in, well ba—
“You doing alright?” Lucky asked from my left.
I turned to meet his eyes and gave him a nervous little nod. He gave me a pat on the back and a grin.
Noteworthy, who was sitting on the opposite side of the table from me, put down his book and looked up to me. “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. We’re here for you, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
If nothing else, Noteworthy’s blissful confidence did a little to help cheer me up. It’s hard to feel down when you’ve got someone to be happy enough for all three of you. But that didn’t get rid of the nervousness, my back legs were so numb my body was operating under the impression I lost them during the train ride.
“Don’t even think about worrying,” Noteworthy continued with his smile getting wider. “We both know how important this is to you, and we will do everything in our power to make sure it goes off without a hitch.”
“I’ll be okay,” I lied, my back legs were in phantom pain mode. “Do you have everything sorted out?”
Noteworthies friendly smile changed to one of pride as he patted his bag on the seat next to him. “Everything is done and dusted. We just need to head to the Appleloosan hotel I booked and I’ll give you the spell emerald. It will take a Buffalo War to force us out of this schedule.”
I raised an eyebrow. “That's a very specific example.”
Noteworthy responded with a slightly patronizing look that said ‘do you really not know what I'm talking about?’ It was a look you got used to around Noteworthy. “Didn’t you two read the national newspaper today?”
It was a question, but he already knew we hadn’t. Or so I thought, but Lucky surprised me.
“Oh are you talking about the issues they’re having with the native buffalo tribes in Appleloosa?” he asked with a grin. “Heh, I don’t think that’s a realistic thought, I’m sure they’ll both reach some kind of agreement. It would take something pretty extreme for war to happen. Although Twilight and her friends are coming down on the next train, so who knows what will happen.”
We shared an chuckle at the thought. Things have seemed to be more weird around Ponyville ever since Twilight Sparkle moved in, and that’s saying something. But honestly, I’ve got bigger things to worry about than the prospect of the first Appleloosan-Buffalo War.
But before I worked out the logistics of jumping off the train and into a small hole to make my grave, the train began to slow down. It was at this point, I questioned if I might have confrontation issues. Regardless, today I wasn’t going to be avoiding anything. Today I will be making the first big step in the direction I needed to be heading in.
This is the day I will finally be who I was born to be.
We all got up, picked up our bags and headed for the exits. The doors open and the sun shined into the train. With my friends either side of me I felt surprisingly confident, and with a smile I stepped forward into the light and out into the next chapter of my life.
Bloody Tartarus, was it hot.
I mean really hot. How do ponies here stand it? I was starting to regret the chosen destination to do all this, but, as Noteworthy said, it probably was the best option. Still, the heat was the biggest downside, I’ve always thought it best to be too cold than too hot. It’s a position I’ve held after many debates with Noteworthy on the subject. He has always held the rather illogical stance of ‘being too hot is better’ for some reason. While Lucky has firmly held the position of ‘I really do not care’ which probably makes him smarter than both of us.
Noteworthy sensed the discomfort; he whipped out his bag and opened it in response. After a couple seconds of rummaging around, he pulled out three hats and gave them out. I briskly put mine on while Lucky calmly placed it on his head with a grateful smile. I questioned if there had been anything Noteworthy hadn’t thought of for this trip; the answer was most likely no, it being him.
He’d been such a great help organizing everything for today. When I say help, I mean he did practically everything. It amazed just how supportive he’s been, how supportive they’ve both been. Whenever I needed help, to talk or even just to be there, they were there. Lucky was especially good at the being there. His blind persistence and urge to help had got me through a bad couple of nights. Honestly, I think he prefers the no talking kind of help he can do. I don’t know why I doubted them.
They had also helped me to try and make up with my fillyfriend. After what happened, I didn’t know how I was going to face her. I just knew I had to. They managed to give me the confidence make it up to her as soon as I could. And eighty-six apologies, twelve boxes of chocolates, a badly written love song and a well-timed firework display later, we had made up. Well, just about. It’s been two weeks since we got back on track and I was still on thin ice. That is mainly because I haven’t told her my issues yet, but I will... Hopefully.
“So is the gem ready to go?” I asked as we were getting closer to the hotel. I wanted to make sure this would go off without a hitch and everything would be fine.
“Yep,” Noteworthy reassured me. “Just make sure you’re ready, then smash it on the ground and the spell should activate.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” said Lucky. “How did you get a spell gem that could change someponies gender for a day?”
“Oh, Twilight gave me it. She owed me a favour from hitting me with snow on winter wrap up,” Noteworthy replied blissfully. “And don’t worry, I had a cover story. I just said we were having a lads night out.”
Lucky’s head snapped towards Noteworthy, “...you said we were having a lads night out… and for that reason we needed a spell that changes gender.”
“Yep,” He replied proudly. “I didn’t think of a cover story beforehand, so I thought of that one on the spot. I don’t really understand how a night out would involve that kind of spell, but she seemed to buy it.”
“Huh, well, darn. Our conversations with Twilight are going to be awkward for a while.” Lucky sighed and turned back around. Noteworthy gave a confused look. As good as he was with planning, his lack of understanding to this kind of thing let him down.
Luckily, before we could fully comprehend just how embarrassing the mess with Twilight was, we made it to the hotel. The checking in was quick and straightforward due to the fact most of the annoying things had been sorted out in advance. I received my room key, and Noteworthy gave me the bag containing the gem.
Noteworthy and Lucky gave me an understanding nod. “You go on up, we’ll wait down here.”
I quickly found my room and headed straight in. The room itself was nice enough. It had a little draft that helped with the heat, the colours were pleasing and it had flowers. But I didn’t care about any of that, I’m not here to set the scene. The thing I did care about was the big mirror that was located on the wall of the room.
I placed the bag down, and stepped before the mirror, a frown spreading across my face.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate mirrors? It gives me this horrible feeling in my gut, it’s like when you know something's wrong, but you just don’t know what. Well... that’s a lie. I knew exactly why I hate looking in mirrors. I knew why I’ve never felt comfortable with how I dress and I knew why I’ve always felt off in my own skin. I’ve known all these things for so long, and I’ve just been lying about it. Just hoping it would go away, and that I could move on with my life. But this was the day I faced my troubles and did something about it.
I threw off my hat, held up the gem and with a deep breath, no regrets and the hope none of the shards would get me in the eye, I threw the gem to the ground with all my strength.
The room suddenly filled with a rainbow of flashing lights and smoke blurring my vision. Before I could jump back in shock I felt my hoofs become weightless and then my entire body seemed to be floating. My body tingled for a second, and then my skin felt as though it was being released from behind a mask as my whole body was filled with a warm feeling of glee. I felt comfortable for the first time in so long, I felt at home. I felt at peace. Then I hit the floor with a thud.
“Ow.”
With a groan, I slowly began to lift myself up. I made a mental note to do this on a softer surface next time. My vision was still blurry, and for a second I felt strangely off balance, but I immediately regained my composure. In fact, my composure was better than normal, with a little stretch I was feeling a lot lighter on my feet. I started rubbing my eyes to regain my sight. It came back pretty quickly and with a couple of quick blinks I could focus my vision.
“Wow.”
I found myself in front of the mirror and looking straight forward at… Well, me. I was for the first time looking at who I dreamed myself to be, who I always imagined myself as, who I actually was. It was me. The petite nose, the long hair and the feminine figure. It was all me.
I couldn’t enjoy my reflection for as long as I’d wanted to because my vision started to blur as the floodgates opened, and all I could do was collapse in front of the mirror. One thing I did which I normally didn’t when crying was laugh, I laughed loud and heavily with a massive smile on my face. I no longer needed to cry from sadness, but I’ve never needed to cry from happiness as much as did then.
I quickly stopped myself from crying, not wanting to ruin my new look. I wiped away the tears and just continued looking into the mirror for a bit. I was just so thankful, Not sure who I was thankful towards, Noteworthy, Celestia, the forces of the universe, maybe. I was just thankful that this moment was actually happening, and that I could enjoy it.
I won’t tell you how long I spent just staring at myself, but I will tell you it was the perfect amount of time that was justified and not a second past ‘that’s a weird amount of time to look at yourself in the mirror’ time. But I don’t care, it’s hard to bring a mare down when she’s feeling as good as this… yep a mare, I’m a mare. I rarely get such a big cheesy smile on my face.
With a hum, I grabbed my hat from off the floor, and with a flick of the wrist put it on my head. I gave a slight frown at the now slightly less nice reflection. The hat was nice before, but it didn’t really look good on me, too big and broad for my head. I tipped it off and skipped over to my bag, unzipped the big pouch and got out a smaller hat I had been secretly keeping. I rested it on my head and looked back at the mirror. Perfect.
I danced out of the room and skipped down the stairs with a high heart and a high head. I was ready for anything, I was just heading outside to see the guys while humming a tune. Who hums in public? Someone who’s ready for anything that’s who. I opened the door of the hotel, spotted them and bounced over to them.
Lucky spotted me first and nudged Noteworthy to get him to follow. They both give me warm smiles which made me head over to them quicker, carrying an even wider smile. Lucky gives me a friendly nod to great me which I return.
“Nice hat,” said Noteworthy with a big grin.
“Thanks,” I replied with a smile. Also wow, I didn’t check but I have a super cute voice, yay.
“So,” Lucky said as he joined in. “What do we call you miss?”
Miss. Love it!
“Toffee,” I said confidently. “I’ve always known it’s should be Toffee.”
“Well then, it’s nice to finally see my friend Toffee,” Lucky declared.
I would have broken out into tears at that moment, but it seemed that Lucky had got me covered. He must've been holding it in because he just suddenly started to burst. No actual streams but that kind of ‘I’m using all my strength to not cry because I’m too cool for that’ crying.
“Okay, hold on there Lucky.” Noteworthy patted him on the back. “This is Toffee’s moment to get emotional, not yours.”
“I’m,” he paused to sniff back his tears. “I’m sorry it’s just... I feel like I’m finally seeing my friend properly for the first time.” He just managed to blurt out. A few whimpers later he coughed to stop and put on a face as if nothing had happened.
I wanted to hug them, I wanted to tell them how happy all this made me and that I was so glad that they were here with me. A month ago I would never have imagined any of this could even be possible. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life living a sad lie without doing anything to change that. But with their support I could see where I was going and I was so glad I would do it shoulder to shoulder with them. Unfortunately, I was absolutely starving.
“Can we get something to eat?” I asked politely.
“Yeah sure,” Noteworthy responded quickly. “I’ve heard the pies are really good here.”
I nodded and we headed off in search of the pie shop. Just me and my two best friends in all of Equestria, ready to have some fun and tuck into some food. I knew the road ahead was going to be difficult, sorting things out with my fillyfriend, hopefully making this change permanent, telling my family. None of that was going to be easy.
But as I trotted through the streets looking for pies with the ponies I knew would support me every step of the way; I felt optimistic.
I know who I am. I’m Toffee. And life is great.