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// I Build Me a Home Where the Buffalo Roamed 
// Story: I Am The Night(mare)! And so is Luna? 
// by LordBrony2040 
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	Although I knew it would be hard keeping a creature that was used to eating nothing but candy on a diet, Celestia was a whole new level of challenge than I think any member of the human race had ever faced. Chains on the fridge were torn asunder by the goddess with ease, and even though Luna could make the cooks of Canterlot refuse to allow the alicorn access to their culinary delights, Celestia could easily teleport halfway across the country to find a bakery that thought they could get away with feeding the alicorn as long as the sun was up.

Then there was this whole exercise idea we had to make her lose weight rather than just keep from adding more…

We two princesses attracted a lot of odd looks as we walked into Canterlot’s most popular health and fitness center. Advertised as the best place to exercise in all of Equestria, I suggested it to be the place for Tia to work out after Luna and I caught the personal fitness trainer we hired for her sneaking the alicorn cake under her royal authority.

“I don’t think this is a very good idea Sister,” Celestia said with a hesitant look in her eyes as we walked through the front door.

Luna scoffed. “Well if somepony could have kept to her proper diet plan and exercise schedule rather than forcing me to enclose the kitchen in alarm wards and making Heavy Weight do her sneaking around for snacks, then it would not be required.”

The other princess rolled her eyes. “Well you can’t expect me to simply quit straight out after a thousand years.”

“Hey! I gave up being evil after way longer than that!” I told her. Even if I did sympathise with Tia, I had to back my landlady.

For the second time since we came into the building, Celestia rolled her eyes. “Well, unless the Elements of Harmony have a weight loss function, I don’t think that is a viable option.”

Her comment actually got my mind working in an odd way. A way that pointed out that the EoH actually did have such a power. I just doubted I could talk Twilight into banishing Tia for a few years while she burnt off all that excess pudge in the sun.

A second after I threw the idea away, we got to the pony at the front desk. “Ummm, welcome to the Healthy Horse, Your Majesties,” she said while looking back and forth between the two of us. “How may I help you?”

Celestia sighed and gave Luna a look of annoyance before turning to face our little pony with a slightly less angry scowl on her face. “I’m apparently here to apply for a membership to the gym.”

Of course, things weren’t going to be that simple. Not the gym membership, that was easy. The manager of the place came running out and fell over himself in an attempt to bury his muzzle up our butts with a free lifetime pass to both the workout area and spa. No, the hard part was actually getting Celestia to work the exercise equipment. 

Like the weight pulley…

Celestia sighed as she set the machine to five tons and sat down to grab both of the handles before yanking on the ropes that ran through a pair of pulleys. All the while, I wondered how the hell weights that barely looked more than fifty pounds each could be that heavy. Halfway before her legs could even extend all the way, the weights slammed into the top of the machine, and the goddess gave the cables another yank, which ripped the machine apart.

I blinked at the sight as all the ponies around us, who had stopped their workouts to watch the princess, jumped away in shock and fear. As for Celestia, who had just moved around more weight than I thought thought physically possible for something her size so casually, looked over to me with a half-lidded expression. “I told you this was a bad idea.”

For my part, I sighed and rubbed my forehead directly below my horn to halt the coming headache. “Well, lifting weights isn’t really the best way to get rid of those pounds anyway.” Not that I really knew what was the best way of course. But us advisors had to sound like we knew what was what.

So then we tried some cardio…

Celestia stood next to the treadmill. She looked down at her front hooves that were even with the front part of the machine. Then she turned her head to glance at her hind hooves, which were actually a little further back than the very end of the treadmill's conveyor belt thingy. “And…how exactly am I supposed to use this?” the size twelve pony asked me as she stood next to the machine meant for size eight ponies.

And then there was the rowing machine…

“Ugh! Grah! GAH!” Celestia grumbled as she shifted around in the seat that was meant to help secure creatures that didn’t normally sit in such a way. “Sister, a hoof? I believe I’m stuck.”

Luna raised an eyebrow at the princess who had her butt stuck in the machine’s seat. “Do not tell me you cannot free thyself from such a contraption.”

Stopping her struggles, Celestia looked back at us with a frown. “Getting out, and getting out without breaking anything are two very different things Luna. I’ve already destroyed one of these devices today, there’s no reason to add another to that poor stallion’s repair bill.”

“Why can’t you just teleport out?” I asked the wise and all-knowing ruler that had looked over the country for over a millennium with her infinite knowledge.

Celestia started at me for a moment with wide eyes, and disappeared in a flash of golden light a little later. When she didn’t immediately reappear nearby, I started to get a little worried. Then, when a little alarm bell started ringing in the back of my head, that worry turned to disappointment. “She’s raiding the kitchen again.”

Which in turn led us to a rather embarrassing predicament…

“GIMME THAT CAKE!” I shouted as I chased Celestia in the skies above Equestria, the two of us having left Canterlot airspace within the first five minutes of flying.

The rogue alicorn looked back at me and Luna with a mouth full of sugary goodness in her mouth and more of it in her hooves. Still, my roommate continued to use our magic to keep Tia from teleporting away, and I concentrated on flying. Although much to my annoyance, despite the drag Princess Fatass’s flanks created as she flew through the air, I couldn’t quite lay a hoof on her.

The years of flying experience she had as opposed to my few weeks worth allowed the goddess to ride the winds and use pegasus magic to outright create updrafts for her to take advantage of. I was stuck just riding in her wake, and rolling my eyes when Celestia actually used her weight to her advantage to dive faster than me.

By the time thirty minutes of chasing had passed, I was aggravated enough with the sun princess that I was willing to use drastic measures in order to stop her. Measures that I would not use under nearly any other circumstances. But still, I took control of Luna’s horn, and cast the one spell I had demanded she teach me since the first day of our training.

Then, the world disappeared around me in a flash of blue.

Teleporting is a weird sensation. I’m sure doing it enough times would get me used to the thing, but…that was like saying enough rides on a rollercoaster would get you used to throwing up. What happened was simple. I used magic to rip a hole in reality and entered it before reappearing a second later in another place when I was pulled back into the plane I was supposed to be in. And it was that moment of travel time through the not-space between that made it suck.

For a fraction of a second, everything ceased to exist. There was no up, no down, no gravity, color, air, or anything else. Then, all that stuff came crashing back just late enough for my whole body to get used to nothingness.

When I did reappear, I was right where I wanted to be. Which turned out to be a mistake, because Tia let out a shriek and crashed into Luna’s body. The collision then sent the three of us tumbling through the air in a screaming mass of limbs and feathers. A falling mass that was stopped when we come into contact with...fluffy, soft...padding?

I blinked at the fact we hadn’t been turned into street pizza, then looked down at the mass of white just beneath Tia, who I was laying on top of, before sighing in relief. If we hadn’t of hit the cloud on our way down, I don’t really know what would have happened to the three of us.

But…I did sort of complete my objective…kind of…

“My cake,” Celestia whined as she noticed the cloud failed to catch it as it had us.

I sighed at the princess and looked back down to her. “Oh come on, it’s just a freaking oversized pastry Tia! Giving them up is not the end of the world!”

The other alicorn that was laying underneath me frowned back. “Fine! You win Luna. I’ll admit it! I don’t have any self-control when it comes to food,” Celestia replied in a gruff tone. “A thousand years of stuffing my face to deal with the loss of my sister combined with the guilt that it was my fault has made me completely uncaring about my health. I’ll just eat more and more until I’m past the point of equilibrium, where my figure is too bloated to be considered beautiful, and everypony will love my slim and sexy sister more. You happy?”

Luna was silent for a little bit before she got around to replying in a depressed tone. “While I usually find thrill at the thought of beating you Sister, your admission is not something I take joy in,” she said before having me look into the alicorn’s eyes. “But…mayhap I could give a little in my demands, if you would actually try to follow through with our agreement about thy diet.”

If I could have groaned at that moment, I would have. But Luna had control of her mouth. So instead, I was forced to watch while the two alicorns simply had their moment and Luna capitulated to Celestia’s growing desires for unhealthy food.

At least until she spoke for a second time. “But a whole cake a day is far too much Sister.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Fine, I’ll just eat half a cake.”

“One eighth,” Luna countered.

“And no multi-layered, stacked, giant, or wedding cake material kinds either!” I quickly added to close some kind of giant cake loophole. If Luna was going to be agreeing to this, then I needed to do my job as an advisor for once.

“WHAT?” the sun goddess demanded. “That’s barely even a normal piece!”

Luna nodded before reasserting control of our mouth. “Exactly. You may have one piece a day…after lunch, and then work it off around the castle. Or shall we go back to none?”

The offer made Celestia groan. “Very well,” she reluctantly agreed.

So with the new deal struck, the three of us simply laid there for a bit. But what with us being in Equestria and all, our moment of quiet relaxation was quickly put to an end by a raspy voice. “So uh…you two done yet? I really need to get rid of this cloud to complete today’s work.”

I looked over at just what kind of idiot would dare be stupid enough to interrupt Princess Luna and Celestia, and blinked when I saw Rainbow Dash hovering there. Then, my eyes widened and my mind went to thinking about how Luna was laying on top of Celestia in a very…suggestive way. “Uh…this totally isn’t what it looks like.”

The last thing I wanted was rumors of Princest starting up.

“What does it look like?” the rainbow pony asked in confusion. I just thanked God she dropped out of school before taking a pony sex-ed class, if they had that sort of thing in Equestria.

Just how did a society of nudists view sex?

Celestia let out a giggle. “We were just having a bit of fun,” she said while I mentally screamed ‘NO WE’RE NOT’ back at her. “So, I take it by your presence that I was indeed able to make it to Ponyville before Nighty managed to catch me?”

“Uh…yeah, you’re just about in the middle of town,” Rainbow replied.

I blinked at the news, and moved around to look down to see we were directly over Golden Oaks. I had been so consumed with catching Tia, I hadn’t even been paying attention to where I was going.

“So…can I?” Rainbow asked from behind me, or behind me head anyway.

“You may,” Celestia went on in a tone that I could hear the smirk on her mouth and wink in her eye.

“Wait, what?” I asked.

Then, the cloud disappeared, and I fell while Celestia kicked off to hover in midair. Had I been ready for it, I probably would have been able to flip around, flap my wings, and land gracefully. But with my human instincts and unexpected fall, I could only act like any wingless primate would under such circumstances.

“AAAAAAAAHH!” I screamed before crashing into a hard wooden surface with a loud ‘oomph’.

While my head rang with the sound of bells and little Fluttershys danced around in my field of vision, I heard someone say something in a surprised gasp.

“T-Twitchy Tail!”

A second later, Celestia came down and landed much more forcefully than the usually did, enough to shake the tree house. Then she looked over to something that was out of my field of vision. “Oh, hello Spike. Is that Twilight’s latest friendship report? No need to use your fire, I’ll just take it.”

I looked over in time to see her grab the scroll in her mouth from Spike, and then turn her attention back to me. “Well come on you two,” Celestia said, her words a little garbled by the paper. “Fun’s over. We have a friendship report to read and its reply to compose.”

A groan escaped my lips, and a shook myself out of the daze before taking a look at the purple dragon, and then the princess. “Or seeing as how we’re already at the library, we could just give it a quick once over and talk to the filly face to face.”

Celestia regarded me thoughtfully for a moment, and then nodded. “I suppose that would be good as well. In fact, speaking with Twilight after she’s learned a lesson might be a little more beneficial to her since we can discuss it,” the goddess admitted before she looked to the little dragon. “Spike, would you go tell Twilight that I’m coming around to see her? She would probably like a little warning.”

For some reason, Spike became a little hesitant. “Well I’d love to, but Twilight had to go to work a few minutes ago.”

“Well I’m sure she can put her reshelving duties on hold for a bit,” Celestia told the dragon.

To which the dragon replied, “Um, she’s not in the library. Twilight got a part time job. She just left because her shift starts soon.”

Then, for the second time since I came to Equestria, I saw something truly remarkable. Celestia was struck speechless. The goddess just stood there for several minutes, staring at the dragon while her head slowly rolled to the side. “She...what?”

I on the other hand handled it much better. I slapped my hooves together and rubbed them as if trying to start a fire with my princess horseshoes. “Oh I gotta see this!”





There are some things in the universe that just don’t make sense. Especially in a universe of talking horses where magic is a thing. But of course, there is an explanation behind magic. I can even give it to you.

Magic is living. Not just being alive, I mean actual taking joy out of the tiniest of things kind of living. It’s more than just some exotic energy that a bunch of quadrupeds have used to become the lord and masters of their domains. It’s passion, and love and a zest for life that no amount of scientific research can quantify or contain. Its why unicorns are only good at their talents, because that’s the thing they’re super passionate about.

Oh, and there’s some mathematics to it too, but...that’s boring. Nobody wants to hear about that.

Then there are the things that don’t make sense.

I’m not talking about how or why Twilight got a part-time job. That actually makes sense. Especially considering what happened the last time I had seen her at lunch. No, what made no sense about this situation, or perhaps a horrifying sense that would drive anyone mad if they were to figure it out was where Twilight Sparkle was working.

To the average Equestrian, it was probably nothing special. Just a nice little shop across the grass from the Hay Burger, specializing in a single product. And I’m not talking about one of those cheating umbrella product terms like food and clothes.

No, the place Spike directed us to before scampering off was…

“Welcome to Starbucks,” the gray earth pony in the black collared shirt with the green apron said as both Celestia and I stood in a line that was far too long for a coffee shop to have at three in the afternoon. “Can I take your order?”

Celestia looked up at the menu on the wall, and then back to the stallion while Luna had me give her a reminding glare. “I’ll take a sugar-free nonfat caffe latte with lowfat milk.”

“Gimmie a triple,” I ordered before slamming the money down on the counter. Chasing Tia down might have worn me out a little, and I needed a pick me up.

The stallion turned his head to my right. “Sparkle! One fit cow and triple-T! Hop to it!”

Further down the line and behind the counter, I heard the unicorn’s familiar voice call out in response. “Y-Yes sir!”

Both me and Celestia frowned at the gruff tone on top of Twilight’s meek response. We shared a look, nodded, and then sidestepped down the line. Halfway there, I leaned in close to her. “You know, we could probably just skip all this if you popped that background camo spell you put up before we came in here.”

“I thought we agreed to wait until we found her,” Celestia said in a way that told me what she was saying wasn’t a question. So I just shut up and moved further down the line when it let me.

And...I’ll admit it, I was glad I did. At the end of our five minute ordeal, which was a hell of a long time to wait for anything when you were sharing a body with an impatient royal alicorn, there was a grand payoff.

Here are your drinks ma'ams,” Twilight told us as she scooted the cups across the counter with her magic. 

Which wasn’t the payoff. The castle chef made this amazing latte that had a little tea leaf design in it to make the whole thing extra special. Even sea-pony emblem Starbucks couldn’t compete with that!

No, the payoff was seeing Twilight in her uniform. Like the stallion, she had a black shirt with a green apron on, no pants. Although what put everything over the top was this little green sun visor hat that fought with her horn to stay on top of her head. It was just...so...damn...adorable!

So much so that I completely forgot to point and laugh at the unicorn’s minimum wage misery while I fought my urge to huggle her to death. 

As for Tia. She just cleared her throat. “Twilight?”

Still not recognizing the two of us were towering over her with traits from more than one kind of pony, Twilight just looked up in confusion. “Yes?” she asked before her eyes widened. “Wait, did I get our order wrong? I’m sorry, this is just my second day, and Mr Vanilla won’t let me use a checklist or write down the orders so-”

“Twilight,” Celestia spoke up before the little light around her horn died out. “It’s me.”

All of a sudden, all the little background noises around us died out, and Twilight’s eyes went super wide. “Princess Celestia?” she breathed out. Two seconds later, her chest puffed up with air again. “Oh please don’t tell me I got your order wrong!”

Now, seeing a pony freak out on television is worth a laugh. But after meeting her in real life and all, I can safely say that Twilight’s panic attacks were not something to giggle at when they were happening right in front of you. If anything, seeing my favorite little purple pony panic was...painful.

But Princess Celestia managed to keep her from freaking out with a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder, and then told Twilight’s boss she would be going on her break before porting the three of us back to the treehouse to sit little Purple Smart down for a talk.

Once we saw that she wasn’t going to turn into a hyperventilating mess, Celestia took a few sips from the coffee Twilight had made, complimented her on it, and waited for Twilight to calm down a little. Only then did Tia start talking. “Well, I guess the first question on my mind is...why?” she asked. “I don’t think anypony expected you to take a lifetime of magical studies and go to work at a coffee house Twilight.”

“What? No! this isn’t a career! Please don’t be disappointed in me Princess! I’m... Well it’s just…” Twilight paused and looked away from us while she scratched her left foreleg with her right hoof. “All of my friends have these...well... they’re out there working every day. Helping Ponyville get by. And I’m...not. It just doesn’t seem right.”

Celestia let out a little sigh, and then looked over to me. “Okay Luna, you take this one.”

Then my mouth started moving on its own. “What? Why me?”

“Because you’re the teacher that’s supposed to be in tune with ponies on a personal level, I’m just the one that deals with mystical and other types of knowledge,” Celestia told her while looking at me.

Luna hmmed in thought for a bit before replying. “Very well,” she said before Celestia took her latte and went out the library's front door to give us some privacy. “Twilight Sparkle, I know how it is to feel...unequal to others that are close to you.”

After shaking her head for a second, Twilight stopped Luna before she could go on. “No offense Princess, but I think what I’m experiencing with my friends is a little different than what went on between you and Princess Celestia.”

“Oh?” Luna asked. “So you don’t feel that you're not contributing enough because all of your friends are doing something important for Ponyville in one form or another, and you are here in a job that the town has gotten by without for so long? You do not feel left behind because they all have employment and you continue to sit here, studying away? You don’t feel a lack of fulfillment because they all receive a wage for their labor while my sister give you an...expense account?”

Twilight opened her mouth, and just let it hang there like that.

“This has nothing to do with my sister Twilight Sparkle,” she explained. “You are hardly the first pony student we have seen become flustered because the paths her friends are on are a bit shorter, and that was back when the life span of a pony wasn’t nearly as long as it is today. So do not feel...inadequate because your path is a bit longer than theirs. It is simply that the investment Celestia has made in you will take a bit longer to mature than a normal pony’s would. And I can assure you that the wait will be worth it when you are ready.”

Finally, Twilight’s face scrunched up in thought as she mulled over Luna’s advice. “So...you want me to quit my job and concentrate just on my studies and my uh...library duties?”

“And your friends. After all, it is the Magic of Friendship that your studies revolve around, is it not?” Luna added. Although a second later, she clicked her tongue in thought. “Although, mayhap you should wait a week or two before turning in your apron. I think such a time among the working class will do you well in the future.”

Before Twilight could turn the confused look she was giving us into a question, the door banged open to admit Spike. I hadn’t actually seen where the talking lizard went off to after he guided me and Tia to Starbucks, but the blue cupcake he was holding was a pretty good clue. “Hey Twilight! Did you talk to Princess Celestia?”

Twilight smiled and nodded in response. “Yes Spike. Did you see her too?”

“Yeah, she actually landed at the library, and just now at Sugarcube Corner.”

I took motor control away from Luna and frowned. “Wait. Celestia’s in Sugarcube Corner?” All of a sudden, her leaving Twilight with us to lecture seemed dark and sinister, rather than a sweet act by an older sister to show her confidence in the younger. Plus, there was no way in hell Pinkie or the Cakes were going to deny that goddess a sweet to snack on.

Before Spike could answer, Luna raised her right foreleg, and I was left to barely keep us from falling as she shouted. “To the corner of sugar and cube Nighty! We must stop our sister before she once again cheats on her diet!”





The next three days passed without incident, although that is not to say important things didn’t happen. Every noon, when Luna and I woke up, Moondancer would drop off a collection of books for me to look through before I snatched up Twinkie, Minuette, or Sparky to cuddle and look through them. Then I would tell her none of them felt like they were the book I was looking for, and sent her back to put them away and try again tomorrow.

I also made a mental note to see if I could talk her into going with me to a salon or something. That little nerd needed some major work done on her mane, not to mention a new wardrobe. Her hooves were in terrible shape too. Maybe when Rarity came to drop off my Gala dress I could get her to deck the nerd-a-corn out in something more fitting of a royal attendant.

Luna’s projects started to get off the ground thanks to some prodding from the princess. Most of the ponies we needed for Ponyville’s Defense Force had been chosen, but it was just a bunch of pegasi scouts and a few unicorns able to cast medium shield spells for the most part, we were still lacking a commanding officer that knew enough about exotic creatures to make sure the others knew what they were doing when something did attack. We also set up a trade approval system that would send requests for the transport of goods through districts to Luna to cut down on some of the wait time. To keep things simple, we decided to handle bare necessities like medicine, quickly perishing foods, and construction supplies.

As for Tia, she actually started to take her diet a little seriously. Being the god-being who set all the rules and had the authority to make everyone else bend over backward to meet her needs, she started having meetings on the go. Usually she would trot several laps around the palace gardens as her aides ran behind her with all the paperwork.

Discord was transferred to a maximum security cell in the newly renovated castle dungeons, complete with ventilation shafts too small to crawl through, magical wires that would sound an alarm if tripped, and guards under orders to stay in groups of four at all times to prevent a double knockout/assassination attack from one-upping any buddy system strategy.

Celestia was also a little curious why I had four such rooms made at the four corners of the dungeon, but…keeping an extra room in reserve seemed like a good idea. As for the others, Chrysalis and Starlight Glimmer would be occupying them. After actually meeting and befriending the Mane Six and Cadance, I still didn’t know which villain I hated more: the one who would put ponies in pods to eat, or the one that made the lives of a species that depended on their special talents to guide them meaningless. Either way, they’d both get it in the end.

On the fourth day, things changed...

I was in the middle of cuddling my mini-Tia while Minuette read through the reports and Sparky waited her turn to tell me what we were going to be doing for the day with the door burst open to admit a royal guard.

“Princess Luna!” he shouted with urgency in his voice. “Princess Celestia is summoning you to a meeting of the Equestrian Council!”

Twinkieshine’s nuzzling of my neck stopped at the news, and I looked over to the guard with a frown. Luna did all the talking. “What is happening?” she asked in a tone that said she was just about as annoyed as I felt. Nobody interrupted our little pony cuddle mornings.

The guard faltered at the question. “I’m not sure Princess. They simply told me to run and get you.”

Luna sighed. “Very well. Twould seem you will be needing to reschedule my day once again little Sparkler. Celestia would not call me to that if it twas not of the utmost importance. Minuette, Twinkleshine, fetch Moondancer from…wherever she goes when her noonday duties are completed. I will most likely need her to explain a few things during this meeting.”

With official business going on, the super friendly atmosphere disappeared in a flash, and both the mares presented themselves to us in a bow of respect. “At once Your Highness,” they said together before running out the door together.

“Sparkler, head on down to the kitchens and get something to eat. I know not how long we will be in the meeting, so you might need to arrange passage on the train back to Ponyville this night,” she said to the pony, who quickly bowed and left in a hurry.

Then I got us out of bed with a groan, and followed the guard down the hallway and through the castle to where the meeting was being held. On the way there, my mood only worsened. I swore, whatever idiot had dared to interrupt my personal pony time was going to pay dearly.

The fact that I saw Cadance and Shining Armor approaching from the other end of the hallway didn’t snap me out of my funk. Sure, it told me that whatever was going on was pretty big ,and I might have been a little confused at the fact that something was going on that didn’t fit with my mental list of scheduled disasters, but…an interrupted morning cuddle was a serious thing in my book.

“So, any idea what this is about?” I asked my best friend when we got to the entrance.

Cadance shook her head. “I have no idea. The guard just ran into my quarters and said Auntie needed to see us in the council chambers.”

I nodded once, then stopped when I noticed the plural. “Wait, the guard found both of you? Together?” I asked as a little smile started to appear on Luna’s face.

And…okay, I know I should have been a little mortified. But instead, I found myself a little proud of Shining for some reason, and maybe a little jealous of Cadance.

Don’t get me wrong, I sure as hell wasn’t attracted to ponies. The closest thing I did to romance was treating them as living plushies. But…well…after all the stories she had told me when it came to their romance, Shining Armor was just so fucking adorable! Although, it figured the one stallion on the planet that I might have considered dating if Luna and I could split up was taken.

Stupid best friend and her perfect stallion.

“We were um…discussing wedding plans!” Cadance replied with a smile that was a bit too big for my taste.

I rolled my eyes at the poor dodge. But couldn’t punish the opening it left thanks to the golden doors opening in Celestia’s magic. The serious look on her face cut any thoughts of frivolity, and we filed into the room.

I took a space to the right of the sun pony, Cadance sat down on her left. Shining went back to stand near the back of the room, and…

“Wait!” A voice called out as the doors started to close. “Wait! Wait, don’t close the door! I’m here, I’m here!”

All of the ponies turned and looked at the four-eyed pony with the purple sweater and badly styled mane as Moondancer trotted into the room, panting for breath. Blueblood frowned at her. “And just what in the name of all things pony, is that?”

The unicorn’s odious tone put a frown to my face. “It’s called a mare,” I said with a frown. “And here I thought that you were old enough to tell the difference between colts and fillies, Blueblood.”

While the rest of the assembled ponies chuckled at the jab, except for Celestia that is, Luna took back her mouth. “Moondancer is our aide pertaining to current affairs, and is thus authorized to hear all that we do. Take a seat behind me little one, I shall look to you if an explanation is needed.”

After the doors closed again, I looked around. “So, what’s this all about?”

“Black Jack, if you would?” Celestia urged him with a nod.

The stallion in question cleared his throat. “Yes. Today I received word from Las Pegasus that the trouble in Appleloosa has dramatically increased. Two days ago, the buffalo attacked a train headed for the city loaded with medicine, equipment and vaccines that Appleloosa had purchased from some Manehattan pharmaceutical company for the coming cold season.”

I nodded. The news wasn’t really all that unexpected. I knew the invading quadrupeds would be attacking the train one day. To be honest, I was kind of surprised that there hadn’t been such news already.

The reflexive ‘At least nopony was hurt’ phrase nearly left my mouth, but I managed to squelch it down. While there hadn’t been any damage to the ponies, I knew Appleloosa would be feeling the pain of not having that medicine when Winter came around. And…sure, they could order another shipment, but all that medical stuff didn‘t come free. Luna had looked over the trade agreement and signed it herself. In a few months, the ponies of Appleloosa would either be having a disease run through their community, or go to bed hungry because they sold too many apples to pay for more supplies.

The crown could intervene and buy more medicine with tax money, but that meant picking everyone else’s pockets to help one group they had nothing to do with. The royal treasury wasn’t infinite, even with the downsizing me and Luna had been planning in regards to the military. What if those bits were needed later somewhere else?

Such problems made me glad I was just an advisor to the princesses instead of the pony making all the decisions.

The goddess nodded to the pony. “Now that my sister has been caught up, you may continue,” Celestia told him.

Black nodded. “Yes Your Highness,” he said before clearing his throat. “After the train arrived at the station with the missing cars, the local sheriff and his deputies followed the tracks and found the remains of the missing car. The buffalo had knocked it off the tracks and set fire to the car.”

Black Jack dug through a small stack of papers in front of him. “I have the report Sheriff Silverstar wrote up, if you want to read it, Your Highness.”

Celestia nodded and took the papers in her magic before reading them with a cool expression. “Well, it looks like the two of you were right,” she told me in a cold tone as she looked over the reports.

There were some pictures with all the papers. One photograph was of the charred remains of a burned down railroad car, and the other was a list of medical supplies next to their cost.

“What do you mean Sister?” Luna asked before Celestia passed us the papers. I kept my eyes on them for Luna to read.

An aggravated sigh came from the other goddess. “We should have dealt with these buffalo the moment we heard of their actions against Appleloosa,” she said before taking in a deep breath and let out a cleansing sigh. “Very well then. I may not be able to make up for my inaction, but I shall not sit idle and let it continue. We shall deal with these matters now.”

Celestia looked over to the pink alicorn. “Cadance, I’m giving you full authority to make any decisions for the crown during my time down south without any consultation,” she said before looking over to the one male unicorn in the room that was worth a damn. “Shining Armor, select ten unicorns from the royal guard to accompany us on our trip along with yourself. I also want a missive sent to Cloudsdale that the Wonderbolts are to come in their entirety to Appleloosa.”

“Luna, I take it that you will also be wanting an honor guard of equal size?” she asked.

I nodded as Luna talked. “Indeed. I shall wake ten Night Guard and prepare them to go.”

“Very well,” Celestia said before looking back to my walking wikipedia, who flinched under her stern expression. “Moondancer, was it?” She didn’t even wait for the nod before continuing. “I remember comments from some of your teachers. They said you were even more into books than my personal student, Twilight Sparkle.” A fact I didn’t think was possible.

The unicorn looked up, and pushed her glasses back with a hoof. “Well, I don’t know about that Your Majesty. I think I was better at absorbing the information, but Twilight was better at utilizing it.”

“Excellent,” Celestia went on in her business tone. “It has been several centuries since I last treated with the buffalo tribe directly. I want you to prepare an up-to-date dossier on their people in case anything has changed. Any reliable information you can find on their current leader would be invaluable.”

Finally, she turned back to the pink alicorn and nodded. “Cadance, the council is yours. I need to go make preparations for my departure. Luna, I hope to see you at the train platform, but will understand if you do not wish to accompany me. We’ll set our departure time for when I bring down the sun.”





All of my worries about being bored to death on the train were put aside when Moondancer gave us her presentation on the known history of the buffalo, their customs, and migration patterns that she had managed to extrapolate thanks to eye witness accounts over the years. By the time she was done, I was nearly bored to sleep. So…my little pony had done a good job.

I mean, if I had to stay up all night doing nothing on a train, it would have been boring as hell. So at least she put me in the mood for snoozing.

There were some interesting things about buffalo culture though. Creepy, but interesting. Apparently, they didn’t believe that Celestia controlled the sun. It was actually their running around that turned the ‘great wheel’ and spun the land away from the ‘sky fire’.

It really made me wonder how they viewed Nightmare Moon’s attempted takeover of Equestria with eternal night. Or if they even knew about her. Since theirs was reportedly a culture of oral tradition, facts could be covered up a lot easier than Celestia’s revisionist history that took over a century to complete.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t find anything recent on them, Your Majesties,” my Mooner said before she turned off the projector that showed a map of southern Equestria with where buffalo had been sighted over the years.

Celestia nodded at the little pony. “What you gave us was fine Moondancer,” she told the nerd. “Especially within the time constraints you were under. Even if it all was just a refresher course for me, I am certain my sister found the information most helpful. Thank you.”

I smiled at Mooner and nodded in agreement at Celestia’s words. “You may head back to the other cars for something to eat,” Luna said before her mouth curved into a smile. “And I am certain you discovered a few books of personal interest while gathering information that you can’t wait to peruse over the next few days while we are discussing things with the buffalo.”

After that, the unicorn nodded and gathered her stuff before trotting out of the train car to go do…whatever it was that Moondancer did when she was alone. As for Celestia, she looked to me and Luna. “So, what is your input in all of this?”

“Are you talking to me, or Luna?” I asked in confusion. Usually she would add one of our names at the end of a question. But this time we got nothing.

“Both of you actually,” Celestia said.

I waited for a few seconds for Luna to speak, then became a little surprised when she had me to go first. “A good ruler always listens to her advisors before making a decision after all,” the alicorn told me.

That actually made me think for a few minutes about what to say. I couldn’t just out and tell them that the buffalo wanted the ponies to just tear down a year of hard work so they could run over some dirt for the sake of sacred tradition. Not to mention how they would interfere with our plans for expanding Appleloosa. It wasn’t going to stay a dinky little western town forever, and I doubted the buffalo would like the fact that there would be a lake in their way the next year, and then more businesses the next, and so on. More apple trees would need to be planted, plus other crops. 

In fact, the sharing is caring tribute solution didn’t seem to be very viable long-term at all thanks to the region’s limited resources.

“Well, I’m sure the buffalo have a reason for what they're doing,” I said, which Celestia nodded at. “And until I know what it is, I can’t really make a prediction. So...we should talk to them first, before making any real plans, Your Majesty.”

The other alicorn took on a thoughtful expression. “An interesting view.”

“I believe you know my opinion on the matter, Sister,” Luna said. “They attacked what is ours. They took what is ours. And they destroyed it. As such, we shall demand reparations.”

The following hours passed easily enough. Luna and Celestia got to talking about other things, and starting gossiping as only sisters could. When I cut in, the subject eventually changed to stories of their time in the Everfree and before. Then it changed to who could tell the most embarrassing story about the other.

Luna was afraid of the dark as a foal, and didn’t even get kissed until she was eighteen…by another mare.

Celestia had bladder control issues during sleep until she was seven, got dumped by a pegasus because she outgrew him physically after raising the sun for a few days, and…she admitted defeat before Luna could go into the whole loss of virginity thing. Although I did catch the number, it started with a T.

Then, it was time for an early lights out for Luna. Being a master of dream magic meant she could show me how to put us to sleep at a moment’s notice.

Of course, being a master of dream magic also meant that we didn’t really just black out for several hours and I got to have some fun with Luna…

The demi-goddess looked up at me with her cute widdle eyes and chubby cheeks that just begged to be pinched. “This again?” my little Woona asked in an authoritative tone that her adorable little voice just couldn’t properly pull off. “I would have thought you’d gotten your fill of these foalish antics the last time you subjected me to such tribulations that a body such as this entails.”

“Awww come on Luna,” I said before picking her dream construct of a body up in my hooves and bringing her in close for a snuggling hug. “It’s not like there’s anypony else here to see you like this. Besides, you being so cute like this helps break up some of the boredom of these dreams.”

Luna’s perplexed expression lasted long enough for me to swing her around onto the back of my neck for a pony ride. “And it keeps you from running around so we can talk.”

I saw the little filly blink at my words from the corner of my eyes, and her expression became curious. “Talk about what?”

“Something you said a while ago,” I replied before creating a nice thick patch of soft grass to lay my stomach down on. “When you were talking to Celestia about separating us, you said something about um…” I looked at the little filly in hesitation. On second thought, maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to put Luna in her Woona form for a serious discussion.

Still, what was done was done, and I didn’t want to risk accidentally obliterating her mind by willing the thing sitting on my back out of existence. “You said you might need to make me a body.”

Woona nodded, her expression much too serious for her childish body. “Yes. Although that would take a great deal of time and energy. Not to mention we would need help.”

And thus, my questioning of Luna ended, and we spent the night with me learning how to swim as a horse. At least the basics behind it I mean since we were in a realm where the laws of physics only apply if you want them to. Trust me on this, swimming without hands and feet is hard.





We arrived in Appleloosa about an hour after dawn.

I also promised myself never to do the whole train ride entrance with Tia again. Sure, it gave this big impressive show of some hundred-plus ponies marching off a military transport as soon as me and Tia got out to bring hope to the frightened town in a big display of force. But…well…

Look, ponies may of not have been humans, but that didn’t mean they didn’t share a lot of the same quirks. For example, they needed to stretch when getting up. Especially after sleeping on a pair of couches, since somebody forgot to install actual beds in our train car.

Maybe there hadn’t been any room, and proper sleeping facilities would mean creating two more cars for us, which was a waste of taxpayer money when Tia and I could simply teleport anywhere we needed to go in a hurry. But in the unlikely event there was going to be a major military exercise in the future where we needed to put on a good show from the get go for the little ponies, the option of not sharing a train car with Celestia would have been nice.

This was because morning stretching for ponies to realign our spines tended to take a while, and involved a lot of asses being put into the air. So…yeah…my first sight of the day was Celestia’s butt sticking skyward as she shook around to limber up for the day. The less said about that, the better.

While Tia was doing that where only I could see, I looked out the window and glanced around the town, kind of knowing what to expect and…I was a little disappointed by what I saw. Not that there weren’t any ponies, or even a frontier town. It was just…well, everything in Equestria had a bit of a shine to it. It was as if the entire country had this little bit of special magic that just made you happier simply from looking at all the bright and pretty colors. Appleloosa…didn’t have that quality.

A layer of dust and dirt that ran the scale from thin to think seemed to cover the whole area, making everything a little bit less bright. Even the ponies decked out in their Sunday (which was a little weekly holiday for obvious reasons, although Luna didn’t like what had happened to her Moon Day that came after) best didn’t really compare to the naked ponies I saw in Ponyville when it came to visual appeal.

I looked around for the ponies any fan would have checked up on, like Sheriff Silverstar and Braeburn, but that was put to a halt when Celestia said it was time for us to disembark.

The second Celestia’s hooves touched the ground outside, music blared and I was forced to listen to the Equestrian National Anthem as performed by what looked like Appleloosa’s ragtag band of ponies that only played in a garage. Still, it was the thought that counted. On top of my controlling percentage in Luna’s body that kept us from rolling her eyes at the amateurish display in front of royalty that was missing a few instruments.

Then, after the music stopped, we were approached by an earth pony stallion with the oddest color combination I had seen on a pony to date. His coat was a light brown, which really clashed with his orange and red hair that made his mane and tail look like a cartoonish flame, as well as the picture of the human riding instrument on his butt.

“Ah, Duke Blazing Saddle,” Celestia said with a nod. “What a warm welcome you’ve provided, and with such short notice too. You couldn’t have gotten my message earlier than last night.”

The mention of a title had me remembering my cultural lessons with Luna. The earth pony had no real noble blood in his lineage. I had read that such titles were handed out as a matter of course to any pony that worked to settle a region. It made things a lot easier when deciding who was going to take charge of the town early on, and were usually tossed away in a generation. Hence, why Applejack didn’t have her own title despite her family being the bedrock of Ponyville.

The walking homage to the 1974 sort-of-western bowed deeply to the two of us. “Your Majesties, thank…um…You that you’ve come,” he said before Celestia motioned for him to rise. I was a little thrown off by the lack of an accent, but…maybe he just hadn’t been a western pony for long enough. It took money to help fund new cities, and after watching Applejack for so long, I didn’t think that a pony who worked on a farm would have enough money to start a town. “We’ve made room for you and your retinue in our town hall.”

“Thank you for your hard work,” she replied. “But I do not wish to take such an important building away from your town for longer than I must. We shall only use it until Shining Armor and Spitfire’s troops have set up the command tent. Now, tell me of the troubles facing the town. I’m afraid your call for help was rather vague, and the news it carried a little old. I am well aware much can change inside of a few days.”

I followed Celestia as Blazing Saddle went on about troubles I already knew were here. Buffalo had attacked a train just the day before that some member of the Apple Family had sent down with trees for the orchard in it. Although this time they had made off with the whole car instead of burning it down. Lousy punks were probably eating the hard-grown work of the Apples as we spoke.

“Nightmare, there is something I must ask of you before we arrive in the town hall,” Luna told me from within our mind. It nearly made me stumble. Luna never talked to me like that when other ponies were around, unless it was during military training because she had to help me work her horn and couldn’t move her mouth.

Instead of replying verbally, I just made a small affirmative noise. “MmmmHmmm.”

“I must ask that you not act as you do in Ponyville, or even Canterlot,” she told me. “These ponies do not need a friendly face to relate to, but an unapproachable figure they can rely on to protect them.”

For a few seconds, I thought to argue with her. Just because we were here to protect the ponies didn’t mean we couldn’t be friendly. If anything it might help boost moral.

Still, we were doing princess work. That meant Luna would be calling the shots. But I was so going to remind this to her the next time I wanted to spend a night with the girls. Training be damned.

After getting into town hall and rounding up the sheriff, both Celestia and I sat down on a cushion some guards brought in before we got down to business. “So, I suppose we should begin with the reason why the buffalo tribe is attacking the railroads and disturbing the town. Exactly what are their demands?”

Both the duke and the sheriff looked at each other with uneasy expressions for a few seconds before Silverstar answer the question. “Well...that’s just it Princess, we don’t rightly know,” Silverstar said while offering up his hooves in defeat. “I’ve seen a few of them on the cliffs over the apple orchard, and they’ve thrown a few rocks at our farm ponies, shouted some things about how we should go back where we came from, but so far there hasn’t been any official meetings to give demands.”

“I see,” Celestia mumbled with a nod of her head. “Then the first thing we should attempt is to establish a dialogue with the buffalo tribe, and hear their reasoning behind these actions. Where is their tribal encampment located?”

When both of the ponies looked away in embarrassment at not being able to answer that question either, I looked over to Celestia. “Well, we brought most of the Wonderbolts with us Princess. It should be easy to have Captain Spitfire organize a search to find them.”

Then Luna decided to make things weird by talking. “Indeed. They should also deliver our demands for a proper parlay.”

As the two ponies in front of us started giving me and Luna odd looks, Celestia cleared her throat. “I am sure the two of you have read the new reports pertaining to my sister’s return from the moon and the Nightmare’s change of heart regarding her position on Equestria’s daylight hours?” she asked in that way where you know the question’s answer better be a yes. “The oddity of two mares in one body takes a little getting used to, but Nightmare Moon has been quite an invaluable addition to the court since her return. And holds position as my sister’s chief advisor in all things ”

Luna smiled. “I would even go so far as to say, her continued presence as a part of me has been quite beneficial to us all.”

The look Celestia gave Luna out of the corner of her eye said the alicorn didn’t quite agree with her sister’s assessment. Still, the big white pony didn’t contradict the black one in front of anyone else. Although...we were probably going to get an earful later.

So, plans were laid out for a meeting with the buffalo. Luna asked if anyone had been seriously hurt by the ones that had attacked the city so far. Although a few ponies had a bruise or two from being hit by rocks, there wasn’t any major damage.

When the little meeting ended, Celestia went outside to make some big speech that hit all the important stuff. She promised to protect her little ponies, to ensure their hard work would not be in vain, that this would all be over soon, and that they had nothing to fear. Luna just had me stand in the background and give all the little horses a reassuring look of confidence because…well, public speaking was more than about just talking. It wouldn’t look all that good if she either had to tell me to raise a hoof dramatically, or stopped talking for two seconds to do it herself, and I might have still been a little unsteady while standing on three hooves instead of four.





The command tent that the ponies had set up for us could have fit three train cars inside it with room to spare. Then there was all the comforts, like a carpet and tables big enough for Celestia to use that left all the other ponies without wings straining to look over the edge. But I wasn’t paying attention to where all the cushions were going, or how many firefly lanterns were being hung up, or all the other things the ponies were doing to still get ready while Celestia was instructing the top ponies in town what needed to be done in case things did become violent over near the big map table in the center of the room. Most of her instructions involved going into designated shield areas that the unicorns we brought along would protect. Not that we needed them with Shining Armor able to put up a barrier big enough for the whole town. But better safe than sorry.

I had my attention on Spitfire, who kept nervously glancing back at me while she sat in her little corner of the tent, awaiting reports back from the ponies that she had sent out to reconnoiter the area. It wasn’t the first time I had seen her of course. The pegasus had been there at Luna’s return party to bow and swear her undying loyalty to the Princess of the Night in equal amounts to the Princess of the Day.

Although it was the first time I had seen the pony in her Wonderbolt outfit. Spits had worn her dress uniform to the banquet. I’ll just say, those things left less to the imagination than a pony’s actual coat! Spitfire’s combat uniform hugged her body so tightly I could every single curve of muscle she had, as well as tell her body didn’t have an ounce of fat in any of the wrong areas. She was a physically perfect pegasus.

Unfortunately, seeing her also reminded me of Rainbow Falls, and how much of a douche she was when she threw away a teammate and tried to poach Rainbow. Then came the heavy frown from the newly-returned monster, and Spitfire couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Not that she was the only pony who had nearly peed themselves that night, but…with her here now, there might be a little chance for me to end all those nervous wing fidgets I was seeing.

After telling Luna I wanted to talk with her, I approached the little pony from behind as she looked over some letters at the small desk that had been set aside for her and raised my hoof in greeting. “Hey Spitfire.”

The pony looked like her skeleton tried to jump out of her skin before she turned to look at me. “YA-our Majesty,” she said as she spun around and quickly went into a bow to cover up her near-scream.

I stood there for a moment, feeling pretty uneasy at Spitfire’s reaction to my presence. While there were still plenty of ponies that didn’t react very well to the close presence of Nightmare Moon, I had thought the cowering in fear stuff had been taken care of weeks ago. “Uh…are you alright?”

Spitfire kept her nose to the ground as she answered me. “Yes, Your Highness. I’m just waiting back to hear from the ponies we set out to find where the buffalo encampment is. Is there anything you needed from me?”

“You mean other than wanting to know why the field commander of the Wonderbolts is cowering in my presence?” I asked in a nice little snarky tone to break the ice that was causing the little pegasus to quake with fear.

That got her to look up at me, without permission I might add. Just because I didn’t like her being afraid of Nightmare Moon didn’t mean I wasn’t looking for an excuse to get her demoted before she could try and corrupt Rainbow Dash at the Equestria Games tryouts. “C-Cowering?”

Although, considering that was also one of the whole harmony, episode…things…keeping Spitfire where she was might be a necessary evil. Stupid foreknowledge of stuff that needed to happen.

“Thy wings are twitching, there is a slight shake in your left hind leg, and the look of fear in your eyes when you gaze upon us is quite telling my little pony,” Luna spoke for me while I was preoccupied with the whole butterfly effect of trying to turn Spitfire either into a better pony, or at least an unemployed one. “Do not worry though, I no longer take offense to the fear other ponies experience in my presence.”

Spitfire looked back at herself for a moment. “Uh…thank you Your-”

“Even though I believe more than enough time has passed for the ponies of Equestria to see that I shan’t blot out the sun on a fanciful whim,” Luna went on. “Not to mention all the work I have put in on behalf of Equestria as of late.”

The pegasus broke eyes contact with us. “Well that’s-”

“Okay Luna,” I said before Spitfire could finish, or start really. “I think she gets the point.”

Luna gave me an exasperated sigh. “Yes well, one must wonder how such a pony who cowers before her princess should become the battle leader for the daylight pegasi,” the goddess mused.

The comment about her cowardice got a flinch out of Spitfire. “N-Now hold on a second! That’s completely diff-”

“Captain Spitfire!” a voice called out, cutting  the pegasus off once again before Soarin came galloping in with a pair of Wonderbolts I didn’t recognize right behind him. One being a pony with a white coat and yellow mane, with the other possessing a dark blue coat and green hair. While the two other ponies prostrated themselves before me, Soarin went right on ahead. “We found the buffalo’s camp Captain it’s-uh, are you okay Spitfire?”

To avert the scene that was sure to come if Luna was allowed to concentrate on the fact she had just been blown off by Soarin, I cleared my throat. “Good work, my little pony. Now, if you would accompany me over to the maps where Celestia is, we can get to work,” I said before using one of my wings to turn him towards the proper direction. “And you did deliver Princess Luna’s demands for a meeting, right?” Princesses didn’t make requests of invading nations.

Thankfully, Soarin’s apologizing for just barrelling past Luna didn’t take very long, and the little group of two pegasi and one alicorn reached Celestia as she finished her safety lecture that would be told to the rest of the town via their leaders. “Anything to report?” she asked when we approached.

Once again, Soarin and Spitfire went into a bow, then the mare spoke. “Your Majesty. Lt Soarin did as you and your sister ordered. And the buffalo are willing to set up a meeting, but...they have some conditions of their own.”





The next day, me and Tia were standing half a mile outside Appleloosa when we saw the approaching dust cloud that singled a buffalo stampede. A large stampede, way bigger than just us two ponies by about...oh, I’d say all the healthy adult buffalo in the tribe that were willing to fight.

I didn’t know this out of some weird psychic ability though. Thunderhooves condition for meeting us had been that he got to bring all of his soldiers, and Celestia got none. Just going off that, I didn’t have much hope that this was going to turn out very well. Not just over the fact he was bringing an army to a peace negotiation, but because Tia was told not to bring any of her guards. It reeked of a lack of respect that made me feel this attempt at bargaining was doomed to failure. 

Celestia seemed pretty calm though. Plus, the fact there was an actual army protecting the town instead of just a bunch of earth ponies armed with apple pie probably made a much better deterrent than the nothing they had before.

“Okay, here’s something I’m wondering,” I mumbled as the buffalo approached. “Just how is it that the buffalo think their running is what makes the world go round?” Although the funny thing was, it did kind of connect to the ancient mesoAmerican cultures and their rituals. It just didn’t have any human sacrifices meant to keep the sun rising.

In response, Celestia shrugged a little. “To be honest, I never thought to ask. Their beliefs weren’t hurting anypony. So I saw no reason to instruct them on the way of things.”

“Except now, I very much doubt that the buffalo are just going to walk away from their sacred duty to keep the heavens moving,” I replied with a frown. 

That made Celestia laugh. “Oh please Nighty. Do you think this is the first time I’ve had to readjust where the buffalo tribe runs? When push comes to shove, they always turn away and discover a new path that makes the world turn faster.” Another giggle came from the princess. “It’s really quite adorable, like little foals playing pretend.”

The casual attitude Celestia had gave me some worries about our head negotiator. I really hoped that Tia didn’t decide to give the buffalo the ponies life savings as an added recompense for the emotional turmoil the invading tribe had suffered by standing around for a week or two. Considering how she had set Discord free and just laughed off everything else he ever did later on in the show, I didn’t think she was above it.

Don’t get me wrong. Kindness and giving were all well and good. But it got pretty damned tainted when the stuff you were giving away belonged to someone else.

Thankfully, Luna had insisted we come along, and Celestia didn’t put up much of a fight. All we had to do was let the day monarch make the introductions. Then, Luna would come in and everyone would hash things out.

We had even made a nice little plan that wouldn’t impede the buffalo that much. While there wasn’t any room in the orchard this year, if the earth ponies put a little extra work into the land they would be able to expand the fertile soil enough so that they could move some trees around in about two years. Ponies wouldn’t have to lose trees, and buffalo could get back to running their regular route the next time they came by.

Everybody wins.

The ponies could even set up a nice little hotel or something for them so they wouldn't have to sleep in those teepees. Which made me consider  something kind of morbid. While I had yet to look into just where the hell leather came from in Equestria, or if it was just a very similar material, I was pretty sure the old Injins from Earth had used buffalo hides to make their teepees. So…as I doubted the roaming herd beneath me had any manufacturing plants to make imitation leather or hides...were they actually living in the corpses of their ancestors?

The thought was just...freakishly creepy.

“Something wrong Nighty?” Celestia asked. “You seem distant.”

The other alicorn’s words drew me back to the present. “Sorry,” I apologized while thinking of something to BS my way though an excuse. “I was just reviewing what Moondancer had told us about these creatures.”

Celestia giggled a bit. “Well good luck remembering everything. That little filly was very thorough.”

“Indeed,” Luna agreed in a little groan.

Both me and Celestia had a little laugh at Luna’s expense while the buffalo came over the hill. They were certainly bigger than ponies, but according to Moondancer, an earth pony stallion was just as strong as one of their braves despite the size difference. Good old earth pony strength.

When the buffalo stopped, all those good and hopeful feelings that my laughing with Celestia had generated disappeared. Newly sharpened horns glinted in the sunlight, and all of the bastards were wearing war paint. It hardly looked like a group that was up for peaceful negotiations.

“I give greetings to the plains tribe,” Celestia announced loud enough for everyone to hear, although nowhere near RCV levels of volume. “I am here to speak with the mighty Chief Thunderhooves. As agreed, I came without guards to talk of peace between our two tribes. The reply to our message said that you are upset with our orchard being on lands that you have run over for many years, and I am more than willing to hear your grievances and make alterations to our plans for the settlement so that both our kingdoms might coexist peacefully.”

There was a bit of a commotion among the buffalo, and then a loud rumbling voice yelled back. “You were told to come alone pony!” it said, spitting the last word as if it were a curse.

Celestia tilted her head up just a bit more, kind of like the Canterlot nobility did whenever they ran into anyone else. “I was told that the leaders of Equestria were to be welcome to speak before you so that an understanding could be made,” she replied evenly. “With as much travel as your tribe does to the south, you may not have heard that Equestria’s leadership has increased by one in the past month. My sister has been returned to us. Any agreement, treaty, or negotiation with me must also include her as well for it to be valid.”

When the crowd of brown fur parted to let another buffalo through, I became a little hopeful that things were going to work out after all. Although Thunderhooves looked so much like the others I couldn’t see any differences between him and the next, the big crown of bird feathers on top of his head was a nice clue when it came to rank.

And just looking at that thing, I had to wonder where all the feathers for the headdress came from. Did the buffalo just find them laying on the ground? Did they trade for them with eagles? Did eagles even trade for stuff? They were pets, right? I was pretty sure Fluttershy had one up for adoption after all. It was just one of the buffalo’s weird quirks that made me scratch my head in confusion.

Then, the guy actually opened his big mouth, and all my hopes were dashed. “We know all too well of how you ponies have welcomed back the greatest monster that this world has ever known!” the buffalo chief declared. “There shall be no talk! We will not grant peace to a race of thieves that exalts such a creature! You shall leave our lands NOW, or you will all be crushed beneath our mighty hooves!”

I was frozen stiff for a few moments at the declaration of war from the buffalo. It was certainly not what I had been expecting. What had happened to all that hesitation Thunderhooves had before he actually went through with attacking Appleloosa? I mean hell, Pinkie wasn’t even here to sing her damn song, and he was already triggering like mad!

Did the buffalo really hate Luna that much? From what I heard Moondancer say, they didn’t think ponies controlled the sun and moon. So why was Nightmare Moon a big deal to them?

And why the hell did they not give a damn about it before?

This was the reason I didn’t want to dick with the timeline, damnit!

“MONSTER?” Celestia shouted back at them, drawing my attention to the other pony princess as the air around her seemed to get all wavy. “My sister is a Princess of Equestria. You will show her proper respect! If not, these negotiations will end here, and trust me, such an action will not give you access to Equestrian territory!”

The buffalo let out a laugh. “Equestrian territory?” he shouted as he stomped forward. “My father ran through these lands, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and-”

Celestia didn’t let Thunderhooves finish. “And before that, your people ran up further north, and before that even further, and before that, my sister and I lived within a castle deep within a forest,” she told him evenly as a frown crossed her face. “And I will tell you the same thing I told her when she came home to find it gone. Things change. There is no stopping it. Accept and adapt, that is the only thing you can do in this situation.

“Now, the same monster you cry out against, in her sympathy of your plight has drawn up a plan that would allow your tribe to run its old course if you simply run around the orchard this year,” she told them.

Thunderhooves’s eyes went wide at the suggestion. Then, he scowled in anger. “You would expect me to violate the sacred duty of my tribe?” the chief asked with a snort. “So the sun-stealer is still up to her old tricks. Well you will not impede us this time! Attack, my warriors! Let us drive the horned devils from our lands!”

“Oh COME ON!” I shouted in disbelief while the brave buffalo chief suddenly turn and ran before Celestia could knock the crap out of him. This had not been what I was expecting to happen. Not by a long shot.

“Luna stand back!” the goddess shouted before she shoved me away with her horn’s magic.

A line of buffalo suddenly surged forward and Celestia’s horn lit up like a firework. She raised her head before a wall of flame sprung up between her and the advancing buffalo. With my inability to actually see through fire, I couldn’t tell if the flames did much to stop the incoming wall of horns before several of the creatures came barreling through it haphazardly.

It was a move that proved foolish, as Celestia reared up and struck the first buffalo that came near her with her hooves on the side of his head hard enough to send him flying a good twenty feet off to the side. The second one that got close to her ended up with a hoof to the forehead so hard I could hear the bone break from fifty feet away, and then I watched him fly back through Celestia’s firewall. As for the other three that crossed the flames, they ran about in an uncontrolled panic before being wrapped up in a golden light, and were then sent flying off to a hill half a mile away when Celestia flung her head in that direction.

With the initial charge apparently dealt with, Celestia flapped her wings and took to the air. I joined her a second later, and Luna told me to look back towards the town. 

“TO ARMS! READY THUNDERCLOUDS AND RAISE THE SHIELDS!”

What followed Luna’s command to rally was...well, I couldn't really call it a battle. The Wonderbolts swooped in on the back of storm clouds that zapped the hell out of any buffalo caught beneath them and left them a mass of twitching limbs and burnt fur. Any semblance of organization was destroyed when their primary charge was broken. The buffalo that actually made it to the edge of the town to complete their chief’s orders fared even worse. Shining Armor’s shield had absolutely no give, and that meant bone struck something stronger than titanium with all the force of a charging rhino behind it. What ended up breaking was not the pink wall of light.

The whole thing was over in less than fifteen minutes, without a single pony being hurt. And aside from the ones that tried to slaughter the non-combatants by trampling them to death before running into a magic barrier, the buffalo weren’t all that bad off either. Apparently, the Wonderbolts had set their clouds to stun. Not that the tasing bolts didn’t pack quite a wallop, but it didn’t look like they killed anyone either. 

When it was all over, Celestia stood atop the immobile body of Thunderhooves as he groaned in pain. “How dare you,” Tia snarled as I trotted up to stand beside her. “I came here in hopes of making peace, in the hopes of finally bringing your tribe into the harmony that Equestria experiences, and THIS IS HOW YOU RESPOND?”

Thunderhooves snorted as only we quadrupeds could. But...I could tell it was all bluster. There was a slight widening of his eyes, a shifting of his legs, and he looked more ready to turn and run than get up and charge. “You Equestrians. You drive us away from our lands, take what is rightfully ours, and you dare to speak of your ideals as if they are so superior, halting our sacred duty while placing a monster upon your highest throne. You are all no better than the underdwelling dogs that once caused my father’s father’s fathers so much pain.”

Celestia horn lit up so bright it could have served as a second sun. “We freed your tribe and several others from the diamond dogs!” she shouted back while flames seemed to dance around her coat. “We offered you all protection and guidance, only to have our hooves slapped away as you demanded all that we made during a century of war be undone! And even after you rejected us. Even after your kind killed mine merely for living on a patch of dirt you would run through once a year at best, I allowed your tribe to continue with its ways, hopeful that one day you would see the light. All because I felt sorry for your ignorance, and impotence of your beliefs.

“But not this time,” she whispered. “Under the advisement of my sister’s aide, I shall no longer allow your tribe to wallow in its own stupidity, breeding more creatures like you that would seek to kill my ponies for the sake of a tradition based off lies.”

Celestia’s horn lit up. “You believe yourselves the stewards of the heavens, that the world shall end if not for your actions? I shall dissuade you of that notion,” she said as all the buffalo around us were lifted into the air. “You will be returned to your camp, and a barrier spell will be placed upon it, preventing you from leaving. And as the days, and weeks, months and years pass, you will be forced to watch as the world moves on without you. Perhaps then, your kind will be willing to listen to reason.” 

Then, Celestia released her magic in a bright flash.

When my vision cleared, the buffalo and alicorn were gone.





Things didn’t end there, of course. It took time to set up the uh...well, let’s face it, the buffalo reservation. Supplies had to be sent to keep them fed among other things. On the upside, a few of the buffalo calves were already able to cross the barrier Tia erected once she teleported everyone to the camp. The way of getting past it was figuring out the buffalo tribe was not the center of the universe and doing away with their dogma in favor of not killing ponies. But the older members of the tribe were holding onto their beliefs firmly. 

Still, even with everything going smoothly, getting everything ready took a few days.

One thing I did learn was why the buffalo hated Nightmare Moon so much. Apparently, their legends said that she tricked them into running backwards a thousand years ago, and nearly destroyed the world. Not to mention how she chased them out of their lands, and would escape from the moon from time to time to cause storms in the path of the stampede and send plagues their way. Basically, anything bad that happened to the buffalo got blamed on the evil moon spirit.

In the end, I left feeling conflicted about the whole thing. I mean, the buffalo lost and got their land taken away. But on the other hand, they weren’t doing jack shit with it other than following a stupid tradition for no good reason. A tradition they were willing to kill to keep, and apparently had before. And it wasn’t really like Celestia had put their people through the Trail of Tears.

And maybe that what was really bugging me. I tended to draw connections between Pony World and Human Land as much as possible, but...this time things just didn’t fit. Sure the buffalo had a few superficial connection to the pre-European Americans, but...that was all they were. A lot like how pony society didn’t really reflect my old one all that well when you got down to the nitty gritty of things.

Then there was that little bit of world building Celestia and Chief Blunderhooves had talked about. I had wanted to ask Celestia about it right from the get go, but that had to wait until the trip home because of all the work we needed to do setting things up with the buffalo and providing Appleloosa with more medical supplies.

But once the train got going, I was able to start up a nice discussion about what the hell she and the buffalo had been talking about.

“You mean you don’t know?” Celestia asked in surprise a few minutes after the train got going. “Luna, why didn’t you tell her?”

Luna snorted. “With everything we had to do in order to depart these past days?” she asked. “Besides, you are the academic Celestia. You do the historical lectures. I’m merely the morality and life lesson teacher.”

The white pony rolled her eyes, and then adjusted herself on the couch. “Well, I know you’ve already read the history of how the three tribes came together, but don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the donkeys, cattle and sheep that live in Equestria Nighty.”

“I’m not blind Tia,” I deadpanned before rolling my eyes. “I just...never really thought about it before.” Plus, the show tended to stay away from the talking animals that lived in pens. Like...you know...slaves.

Celestia nodded. “Most ponies don’t,” she said before taking a lecture stance that looked way too Twilight to be a coincidence. “Well, when the Equestrian tribes needed to get away from the frozen lands, they settled in Equestria and elected us to lead them. However, the land wasn’t as uninhabited as we first believed…”

So I listened to the history of Equestria that would have never made it onto a kid’s show outside of Adult Swim. From the way Celestia told it, the land western Equestria now sat on used to belong to the diamond dogs, who had some vast underground network of cities the ponies had no idea about when they came trotting in. The sheep, donkeys, cows and buffalo had all been their slaves in the underdark. Tia didn’t know how long this had all gone on. It was before even her time.

But that didn’t mean the ponies weren’t willing to leave them alone as long as they were left alone. However, Since both the double D’s and ponies were interested in mining gems, that didn’t last very long. There was also the odd unicorn that could locate such things, whom the diamond dogs loved to make into a gem detector. The tension eventually led to war.

I was kind of put off by the fact Equestria’s first major military action was for money and not over the fact that the diamond dogs were using slave labor, but at the same time...I wasn’t about to fault Celestia for not sacrificing pony lives for another species just because they had it bad off. Her and Luna were princess of Equestria. Their primary concern by several tiers of importance should have been pony lives. Like with what happened in Appleloosa.

When the war ended, the other races looked to the ponies as an example. Like ponies, the sheep and cows sought out purposes in their lives, but...they couldn’t really compete with ponies except for when it came to producing milk and wool. There was also the fact that their kind had never developed the industry that ponies had, and hundreds of years of tunnel digging slavery didn’t do wonders for their species’s technological skills. Donkeys fared a little better, but lacked that ‘cutie mark expertise’ that all ponies possessed to really compete in the market. 

As for the buffalo, they were...less receptive to ponies. Unlike the other cloven-hooved races, a few buffalo tribes had still been out running around free at the time. So their entire civilization and cultures hadn't been completely obliterated like the sheep and cows. When the diamond dogs were taken care of, they had shown up and demanded their lands back. Lands that Celestia and Luna had worked for the better part of one-hundred years to liberate. Lands that ponies had been born on, died on, and for. Lands that no living buffalo had even walked on, just been told about by their great-whatever grandparents.

“And we sure as hay weren’t about to give them up after everything that had gone into acquiring all that territory,” Celestia finished. “So the buffalo attacked, and we chased them away.”

“Twas rather easy,” Luna added. “What with them not being able to fly, and our pegasi having the option of bucking lightning down upon them. Our little winged ponies were eager to show their usefulness after a generation of having to fight in tunnels.”

I waited a bit more, but since that was apparently the end of the story, my eyes drifted over to Celestia’s little bauble we had taken with us from Appleloosa. “Still...I feel kind of bad for them.” I mean, they did lose their homes to the ponies...kind of. Celestia had a point when she said no living buffalo had ever really lived there. Even today, all the land under their control was just a giant circuit they ran. 

Luna snorted. “Hmph. They will find no sympathy from me,” she said before turning our head to Celestia. “After all, times change, do they not Sister?”

“Luna,” Celestia said with a sigh. “You have to admit, putting our castle in the middle of the Everfree was foolish. The unicorns offered me their former capital, and I took it as the most logical choice.”

“Ugh,” was Luna’s only reply before she changed the subject. “How long until we are home again? I miss my attendants.”

Celestia looked out the window for a few seconds, and frowned. “I think we may be coming up on Ponyville soon. Do either of you want to stop by and see the girls?” she asked before a little smirk appeared on her face. “We could get some coffee at least.”

For a moment I thought about just telling her no, and then crawling back into bed until Cadance started acting like bridezilla. That whole thing with the buffalo hadn’t exactly helped me to think my presence in Equestria was one of those things that made everything better. It was much smarter for me to just bury my head in the pillows and-

BOOM!

I cried out in surprise and grabbed onto the ends of Luna’s couch as the entire train shook from the force of an impact that seemed to be more noise than mass. When the world finally stopped moving, I looked up with a frown on my face. “WHAT THE HAY WAS THAT?”

With her face turned towards the window, Celestia let out a little laugh. “Oh my, a sonic rainboom.”

My eyes widened at the noise before being assaulted by a disco ball's worth of colorful flashes from the windows that left me feeling strangely energized. And after my brain fought off the urge to have an epileptic seizure from the colorful attack, I looked over to the calendar on the wall with all of our important appointments marked on it.

Like the Best Young Flier’s Competition.

That was still TWO DAYS AWAY!

Dammit Rainbow Dash! What the hell did you do now?