//------------------------------// // III. The Story Itself Disobeys The Narrator // Story: The Pinkie Parable // by RQK //------------------------------// Pinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Gummy, her pet alligator, looked up at her from the table on the other side of the room. He blinked once, licked himself, and then fell back asleep. Pinkie Pie hopped out of bed and arched her back, stretched the last of the Z’s out of her. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. On the other side of the door, an immaculate, crystalline room whose walls functioned as bookshelves met her. A round table lay in the center of the room, around which five ponies lounged about, laughing at each other through the whipped cream all over their faces. Rainbow Dash perked up. “Oh hey!” she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” Wait, what? Pinkie Pie frowned. "Huh?" The other four mares in the room looked up as well and threw their own greetings to her. Pinkie Pie stood there with a confused expression on her face. "Uhhhhh, hi everypony!" What is this?   "Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed. "You're just in time. We just had the most amazing whipped cream fight. And we just couldn’t help but think of you while we went at it!” Twilight looked back toward the others with a giddy smile plastered across her muzzle. “And, hehe, we are going to have a contest to see who can be like you the most, and we need a judge!" Oh dear. Pinkie Pie frowned. “Uh—” This isn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t even supposed to happen until at least halfway into the story. Why are we suddenly here at the contest? This is all a spoiler! “Mister Narrator?” Pinkie Pie asked, looking up. “What are you doing? I am not doing anything. Honestly I’m not. How in the world did we arrive here through the door through Sugar Cube Corner? Pinkie Pie… did you… do something to cause this? “…No?” This is confounding. These two locations aren’t even in the same general area. It’s like the story, my story, skipped a beat. How did this happen? This is really weirding me out, but I’m not sure how to go about this… This scene is part of the story that I had originally set out for you. Pinkie Pie looked back toward her friends again and frowned. “That sounds reeeaaaaaal sketchy to me.” I wish I could make this stuff up, but we’re here regardless. I suppose the best course of action at this point is to simply roll with it and pretend we came here by natural narrative means. We’ll take this little unplanned time skip in stride, even if the story that I wrote out had a meeting with Cheerilee and some, oh-so-delicious build up to this. You might know that it contained a whipped cream fight. “Yeah, I do know that. I do, I do.” Okay, Pinkie. Are you ready? Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Oakie dokie lokie!” And here we go. From the middle! Pinkie Pie nodded to her friends. “Yeah!” she squealed. “Sure, you bet your biscuits I’ll be your judge!” Twilight did a celebratory hop in place. “Great! This is going to be so much fun!” She turned to the other mares behind her and cleared her throat. “Alright girls, we have the Random competition first. Then we’ll move on to Party competition and then we’ll do whatever other competitions Pinkie thinks up.” “You bet’cher apples!” Applejack exclaimed in agreement. “Let’s go,” Rainbow Dash growled, kicking at the ground. “I am ready.” Fluttershy stood up from the table. “Can I join in?” she asked with a smile. Fluttershy… could join. A contest of four would be much better than a contest of three. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Get over here, Fluttershy!” she said, motioning over with her hoof. Fluttershy leapt over the table with a squee. She stood with the others as they considered their opponents. The four of them, with the one and true Pinkie Pie as their judge. That left Rarity as their one bystander. Their one witness to the contest of epic proportions that was about to ensue. Rarity flipped her mane with her hoof and stood up as well. “I dare say that I’ll give this a shot too.” …Rarity was also a part of the contest. And really, at the end of the day, even though it wasn’t something that she would have really done (nor Fluttershy for that matter), it wouldn’t have been a true competition had some of them sat it out. Yes, this was perfect. Applejack, with an innocent whistle, lifted her dirty and dusty hat off and settled it onto Rarity’s head. She then averted her gaze as if she hadn’t just done something. Rarity shuddered, picking a speck of apple off of the corner of the brim, and then cleared her throat. Her horn lit up and she lifted the hat off of her head… only to turn it upside down and set it back down. She smiled and hopped around the room with the upside-down cowboy hat on top of her head. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Rarity’s in the lead!” “Oh no you don’t!” Rainbow Dash challenged, leaping after Rarity. She fell just short, but then bounded into the air again, flapping her wings all the while. Rainbow Dash flipped herself over before flying herself so that she was just above Rarity, back to back. The pegasus flapped and flapped, lowering herself until finally, Rainbow Dash slid her head into the underside of the upside-down hat. The others watched in awe as the two, somehow wearing the same hat at the same time, mirrored each other. When Rarity walked left, Rainbow Dash flew right. The two flowed across the room as a result. Fluttershy let out what sounded like a shrill scream before licking the underside of one of her hooves. The other hoof dug through her mane, fluffing it every which way. “It’s the hattening,” Fluttershy sang as she skipped after the two. “It’s the hattening, it’s the hattening, it’s the hattening.” Pinkie Pie watched Fluttershy as she went along with an arched eyebrow and a confused gape. But then she gasped. “Ohhhhh! Oh oh oh! I get it! Hattening! Haha!” she said with a giggle. “That’s a good one!” Fluttershy smiled back. “Five points to Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie declared. Rainbow Dash lost her sense of flight and tumbled, crashing onto Rarity. “What!?” she cried. Rarity squealed as her legs buckled beneath her. Both ponies tumbled across the floor before flopping onto one-another. “Rainbow Dash!” “Why does Fluttershy get five points and I don’t?” Rainbow Dash complained. Rarity narrowed her eyes. “We don’t.” “Because it’s funny,” Applejack explained. “Funny!?” the both of them cried. Pinkie Pie shook her head distastefully. “Uh oh Applejack, that’s gunna cost ya.” The earth pony whirled around. “Whaddya mean it’s gunna cost me!?” she barked. Pinkie Pie zipped forward and lay a hoof across Applejack’s muzzle, staring her down all the while. “Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.” “Girls,” Twilight said, stepping in, “let’s not fight about this. Remember the competition.” Applejack batted Pinkie Pie’s hoof away, “Yeah, but it don’t seem fair if she just gets to make up stuff as she goes.” Fluttershy raised her hoof into the air. “Well, she is Pinkie Pie after all. She really doesn’t have to explain herself.” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “I suppose that is certainly true. What with how random she is.” Pinkie Pie let out a small squeak as she listened to what they said. Her ears fell flat against her head and her body sunk low towards the floor. Random? Was that how they thought of her? Their whole image of her boiled down to a simple word? It couldn’t be. She was more than that. She was more than a random pony. She was more than that. It was just a part of the competition, Pinkie Pie told herself. It was a part of the fun. Yes, she was a random pony, but that was only a small part of her. Twilight Sparkle sidled past them. “Besides, that ignores the real problem of this whole thing. And that is… the hat isn’t large enough.” Oh. Well— Twilight whirled around and shot a beam of energy at the stetson. The hat convulged for a moment before it grew the size of a large statue. Immediately, no less than three ponies threw themselves onto it. “Twilight, puh-lease!” Rarity said, shaking her hips with every syllable, “we both know this is still not enough hat.” “Haha!” Twilight exclaimed. “This is why we should have brought all of those hats over from Carousel Boutique!” Pinkie Pie perked up at that. “Oooh,” she cooed. Well… uhm… yes. This was exactly why I wanted all of those hats much earlier. I think. “Oh! Well why didn’ ya just say that earlier?” Applejack exclaimed. She turned and walked—but then switched to pronking shortly after—to a mound over in the corner. A gigantic red velvet sheet covered it but Applejack yanked that off, revealing a large stack of locked wooden boxes. What the? I didn’t put that there. “Ah dunno what hats are all in these but I figure if we just get a bunch of keys we’d be, uh, great.” Rarity sidled up. “And there’s a whole selection, ah, I mean, bunch of hats in there?” “Eeyup.” Oh my. “Mister Narrator,” Pinkie Pie asked, “what’s going on? Well Pinkie Pie, it’s actually going on its own right now. I’m not doing any of this. Pinkie Pie puffed her cheeks. “This is kinda really sorta weird…” I know, I know. It is likely because I’m trying to run a broken story and now it’s on autopilot. This might not be what I originally had in mind for my story, but let’s just see how this works. The five competing mares threw themselves into the pile of boxes. While half of them swam through the pile of boxes, the other half jumped on top, up and down, occasionally throwing the crates this way and that. Pinkie Pie ground her teeth together. “Ten points! No, twenty! Forty! Eighty!” Her eyes darted about and about between all of them before finally she fell to her hindlegs and shouted out, “It’s a multiplier!” Fluttershy pulled at the top of one of the crates. When the wood refused to budge, she rammed into it. The wood creaked in protest but still did not give. Finally exhausting all other options, Fluttershy stared at the crate with the stare-iest stare that she could muster. The top of the crate cracked open. Fluttershy reached up and hurled the crate’s top down the stack before she fished inside. She shortly emerged with a piece of headwear in her hooves; a military peaked hat that appeared to be on fire. She paused to consider the flaming hat for a moment before she too tossed it down the pile, before finally climbing into the box. Pinkie Pie gasped as she watched the display. “A million points to Fluttershy for that!” “Well, I have a box fort!” Rarity countered, hiding inside what looked like a dome of crates. Pinkie Pie shot her hoof into the air. “Rarity would never say that!” I… do not think she would say that either. I think this is getting out of hoof… “Yeppers!” Applejack emerged from the other side of the pile a moment later with a cyan-colored cannon. She wheeled it until she had it where she wanted it, squinted as she aimed down the sights, and then bellowed, “Fire in tha hole!” The cannon fired, shooting a ball of confetti and streamers that plowed into the fort, blowing it to pieces. Rarity screamed and flailed about in frustration. Applejack guffawed, swatting the air in triumph. “I knowed that would get ya!” she said, swishing her curly mane about. Okay, wait wait wait wait wait. Applejack does not have curly hair. She sports some very long golden locks. What…? Rainbow Dash poked her head out from within the pile of crates. Her mane also contained a few tangles of its own. “Huh? Whaddid I miss?” Pinkie Pie, are you seeing this? Pinkie Pie rubbed her eyes before she looked again. She frowned. “I see it, yeah. Buuuuut…” Rarity scrambled to hooves and whirled around with a fire in her eyes. “Applejack! That wasn’t very nice of you! Blowing up my fort like that.” Applejack giggled. “Cause, you silly. I had ta, because then you mighta put more and more on it and then it woulda been a fortress. And then you woulda just kept going and going and then you would have just taken all over.” Okay. I’ll say it. I do not recognize any of these characters anymore. Whatever story this was trying to be has lost all sort of track. The characters are all wrong, the story is out of control, and this needs to stop. Pinkie Pie, we need to leave right now. Rainbow Pink honked Apple Pie on the nose. “Radishes!” Uh… Pinkie Pie remained in place, sitting with a slack jaw all the while. Twilight Pinkle summoned up a table cloth. Said table cloth appeared like a patchwork, with several stitched-together pieces of cloth of all sorts of colors with the occasional line or polka dotted pattern. She wasted no time in setting it across the table. At that, Twikie Spieple dove underneath the tablecloth. The tell-tale pop of a teleportation spell burst from underneath, before Twikie reappeared through a window. This is bad. Rarikie pronked over to Flutterpie and the two held each other, singing at the top of their lungs about such topics as ghosties and enchantresses. Pinkie Pie managed to swallow the knot in her throat and screamed. “Oh my gosh! Everypony is me now!” Rainkie Pie whirled around with a huge smile on her face. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkieshy and Raripie also glanced up. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” they said in unison. Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie joined in. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie Pie did a cartwheel across the floor. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie Pie leapt down from the window. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” The pink pony shimmied in place, “I’m Pinkie Pie! “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie!” Who is the real Pinkie Pie? All six of them looked up at once. “I am!” …Oh by Celestia’s mane. “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie!” I’m pretty sure that my story had nothing to do with the Mirror Pond. What is this? “Fun!” they chanted asynchronously. “Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!” …And I just had to mention that, didn’t I? “Funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun!” The Pinkie Pies jumped around the room, bounding off the floors and walls and, a couple of times, even the ceiling. All except one. Aha! You! You there! Sitting there on the ground! The Pinkie Pie on the ground looked up with a frown. “Yes Mister Narrator?” You… Erherm! The Pinkie Pie that had been sitting flat and motionless on the ground stood up and calmly strolled over toward the door. As she walked along, she looked up at the Pinkie Pies still bouncing around the room with a worried expression. She closed the door behind her. Pinkie Pie made sure it shut tight before she fell back against the frame with a terrified expression. Even though many shouts and cries continued to emanate from the other side, Pinkie refused to budge. The door even bulged a couple of times as if something on the other side was trying to force its way out. Eventually however, the hub-ub on the other side died down. Only the relative quiet of Sugar Cube Corner kept Pinkie Pie company. Pinkie Pie let out a long relieved sigh. Okay. I think we can both agree that that went someplace that neither of us is comfortable with. I dare say that was… disturbing. Pinkie Pie wiped some sweat off of her brow. “Boy… you… said it.” I’m not even sure how all of that happened. I mean, certainly this sort of thing is unheard of in the world of narration. Certainly there have been many times where the story has gotten away from the author but this is ridiculous. “Wow, I mean, that…” Pinkie Pie slumped toward the floor. “The mirror pond was a pretty bad day too! Golly that was just like that!” Pinkie Pie slapped herself in the noggin as she thought before she shook her head. “Why’d ya think it would even do all that anyways?” I can’t say in any degree of certainty. Why, I’m still trying to figure out how Sugar Cube Corner linked directly to the castle. This story spiraled even further into nonsense after that. I don’t know what caused it. Pinkie giggled. “I thought you were the one running the show though.” Yes, yes, I know. Nonetheless, that happened. I wonder if it had anything to do with the story breaking down once before? “Ya know,” Pinkie Pie said, “now that I think about it, that Mirror Pond thing makes sense.” …It does? Pinkie Pie leapt to her hooves. “Yeah! I mean, I remember now! We did a small bit about it in the last story. I remember because you were there. And so you remembered the Mirror Pond and then it happened.” Oh, yes. There was a couple of lines about it in the last story, wasn’t there? “Also,” Pinkie Pie chided, narrowing her eyes, “I’m still mad about that!” Well, Pinkie Pie, we still have a grave problem to solve here, so what’s say we put that aside, hmmm? Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah, we should. What do we do?” Hmmm. I will have to think about this. Pinkie Pie, why don’t you busy yourself while I think about this, okay? Pinkie Pie saluted, “Oakie dokie lokie!” she exclaimed before she pronked over toward the kitchen counter and grabbed some eggs. Well, we certainly can’t go back through that door. That would take us someplace very foul. But the problem is the story is supposed to be there. What to do? What to do?   Should we just… wait it out? I’m not sure what we could do in this situation. Pinkie Pie grabbed some other items out from other areas of the kitchen. A bag of flour, some frosting, and then some sugar. Other ingredients followed as Pinkie Pie prepared the counter. Yes, reader, I am certain that simply watching Pinkie Pie bake all by herself, while informative, wouldn’t make for a great story. And I know you’ve come here expecting there to be one. Really, I don’t know what happened back there. Really. Pinkie Pie hummed all the while as she completed her preparations, fetching a bowl with which to work out of. “La la la!” There’s got to be a good way of doing this. Waiting this out is simply the best option, but we can’t just sit here. No, that won’t do. Hmmm. Okay, I got it. I have an idea, but it is a dangerous one. Pinkie Pie, as she turned a dial on the oven, whirled around. “What’cha thinkin’?” I’m going to attempt to utilize a technique known as a scene transition. That should allow enough time for the chaos to die down. I think, then, we’ll be able to proceed in a manner reminiscent of how we had intended to approach this. The mare gasped. “Oooooh! A time skip, basically. You did a bunch of those last story too.” In a controlled environment, yes. They’re very versatile tools for any author. But, frankly, I can’t tell what will happen if I use it here. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “I say ‘let’s go!’” Very well. I am going to end this scene here, and will pick this back up at a more appropriate time. Scene transition, here we go. * * *   Tired of the same old dresses? Looking to spice up your couture? Do you want to be the talk of the town? The creme de la crème, more than just another Jane Doe? Then visit Canterlot Carousel! Here we offer the finest in unique one-of-a-kind garments that you absolutely will not find anywhere else. Every one of our clothing’s is stitched with time, love, and the upmost of care. Canterlot Carousel. Located at 42 Wallaby Way, Canterlot * * *   …Well sometimes, these scene transitions take the form of commercial breaks. Anyways… Pinkie Pie launched another piece of cake into the air, positioned herself underneath, and then downed the whole thing in a single bite as it came back down. “Horray! We made it!” Yes, I think that was plenty of time of things to calm down. What’s say we give this another go? Properly, this time? Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Wait! Let me finish this first!” Go right on ahead. Pinkie Pie sucked in the entire cake. She did it so well that she even made the sound of a vacuum as she went along. The entire confection disappeared past the lick of her lips and a satisfied, “Mmmmmm.” Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. The ground outside dropped off for several yards. And yet, several buildings floated nearby. While chocolate rained from the sky and baseballs with wings flew through the air, ponies croaked like frogs and meowed like cats. The echoes of the word “Fun!” rang out throughout the very air. Oh, of course. It made things worse. Pinkie Pie’s jaw hit the floor. “Whaaaaaaaaaat?” The checkerboard ground plowed through the entire color spectrum as it stretched from horizon. Yaks in tutus played hopscotch, all while juggling bowling pins. Houses of cards made the occasional appearance, some bigger than others. A cloud passed overhead, raining down chocolate. Pinkie Pie responded by leaning out of the doorway to lap it up. Pinkie Pie! That’s dangerous! Pinkie Pie puffed her cheeks out. “Mister Narrator! You should know by now! You don’t say no to chocolate rain!” “She’s right, you know,” called a voice. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Discord!” she exclaimed. The draconequus whizzed by, rowing a boat all the while. “Pinkie Pie! How good it is to see you! What a wonderful story this is!” “Discord!” Pinkie Pie snarled. “You need to put all of this back!” The rowboat let out a screech before it flew off without its rider. Halfway through the air it caught fire before it blasted off like a rocket, flying high into the sky until it disappeared with a twinkle. Discord, meanwhile, doubled back with a concerned expression. “Oh I’m not doing any of this. I found all of this here. All this… magnificent chaos!” “As if!” “Really! I’m not doing any of this. I’m reformed, remember?” Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes out of suspicion. “Thaaaaaaaats sketchy!” “I am being one hundred percent honest here. I found all of this as it is now.” The draconequus shrugged as he floated up to the door. “Now I don’t know what sort of story you and the Narrator are doing right now but I like it. I like it a lot.” Well, the problem is, I’m not doing any of this either. All of this is happening without my ability to do anything about it. At that, Discord frowned; He glanced back at the chaos behind him and ground his teeth together. “You aren’t doing any of this?” No. He pulled at his little white beard. “Intriguing.” I suppose it’s a good thing that you’re here. Although since you are here, perhaps you could lend us a hand and get this story back on track. Discord cracked his knuckles. “Well, if you insist. It’s not like you’ve tried to use me to fix a story before.” Right, now, Discord snapped his fingers and turned everything back to the way it was supposed to be. Nothing happened. Discord furrowed his brow and snapped his fingers a second time, and a third. “Well, this is strange indeed.” Maybe I need to be more specific. Discord snapped his fingers and returned Ponyville to the way it was as it had been in every other time that it had been. Nothing happened. This is baffling. “You’re telling me.” “Uh,” Pinkie Pie interjected, “so what are we gunna do then?” Well… I am not quite sure. I do suppose there is one thing that we could do, but it’s a long shot at this stage. Discord, do you think you could give us another copy of The Pinkie Parable? Discord blinked. “Another copy? Well, certainly I could. Although I can’t imagine how much good it will do you.” I do not either but perhaps we will find something. Discord snapped his fingers and a pink-colored book landed in Pinkie Pie’s mane. “There,” he said, “that should be it. Anything else I can do, since I’m here?” I do not believe so. Discord placed a sailor’s hat on his head and a dingy popped into being underneath him. “Then I’m going to set sail and explore this magnificent place. Tally ho!” And with that, he rode the boat into parts unknown, disappearing like a dot against the patchwork sky. Pinkie Pie shut the door and took a seat at the table. She opened to the first page and started reading through, and then skipped through a few pages. She scanned page after page but her expression didn’t ease up; rather it worsened. Finally she closed the book and opened it again. And then she did that again. “Well darn!” she exclaimed. Oh? “This book doesn’t even have anything on what’s going on… It’s just the original thing that you were gunna do.” ...Welp. Pinkie Pie closed and opened the book again. “I can’t disobey this…” That… is a problem. Pinkie Pie lobbed the book onto the table and slumped against the bookshelf. “Darn. Darney darn darn. Like… this is confusing! Wasn’t all that scene transition stuff you did supposed to fix all this?” Mmm, yes. But that didn’t work. I think the only real way to fix this now though it something severe. “Yeah?” I think we have to do a new chapter. We have to end this chapter and do a chapter break. It’s much stronger than a simple scene transition. “Ehhhhhhhhhhhh, I think it would take more than one chapter just to fix all of… that!” she cried, motioning toward the door with her hooves. I… think you are right. We’d have to spend an entire chapter just fixing things, especially since they have gone this far out of control. That would be all of chapter four. Pinkie Pie raised her hoof into the air. “Mister Narrator? I vote we just skip over to chapter five then.” I’m inclined to agree. If we’re going to break from this chapter, we might as well reconvene once all of that has certainly run its course and returned to normal. “Yeah!” Alright, here we go. Skipping over chapter four and going straight to chapter five. Are you ready, Pinkie Pie? “Let’s go!” To chapter five with us!