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// Let's blast this turkey... 
// Story: A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...} 
// by Bumblebee Tuner 
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A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle in Equestria

Chapter 3

There are many ways to become an alicorn. For Diamond Tiara this was a forlorn hope and at worst a cruel joke. Ironically, when she was picking sides oblivion and pragmatism were the furthest things from allies.  
She was the worst kind of spy, the kind both sides knew was a double agent thus making any intelligence she provided practically worthless. She supposed she was fortunate that her condition made her virtually immortal even if she wasn’t invulnerable. And, she could still use magic provided she didn’t use more than seven simple spells or one major seven layered spell within fifteen minutes of the last series. At least that was before the accident. The kind of accident that set up the worst kind of temporal loops, a homunculus loop of  inescapable Stein’s gate limbo; that is unless she somehow managed to cross a dimensional gateway before- well, in all fairness, Discord‘s death was ZK paradox waiting to happen whether or not there was a winner of the death game. 

Diamond’s branch of the reality tree was already braided into the tire swing of structured chaos and the cord was about to snap. Scratch that, the cord was the only thing holding the branch to the tree of life and that cord was slowly frayed down to its last thread before the whole system collapsed.  No amount of gorilla glue could restore the structured chaos her world relied upon for its survival. Even the concept of structured chaos was an oxymoron. Fortunately, she found a quick ally in Sunset Shimmer who was equally eager to get out of this hell hole and Discord’s twisted game of phone tag. But, in all fairness, she could literally rule the world at this point and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference what her species. Which was really sad because practically any idiot could become an Alicorn in her reality without  much effort. Except her, because what could possibly be more chaotic than someone with access to all the powers of God restrained by the straightjacket of a twisted game of cat and mouse. There just wasn’t enough time…literally.

The academy city database title of Alchemist was a bit of a misnomer as the title of Backstabbing Blade would have probably been more accurate. Not that it really mattered since Diamond Tiara wasn’t even her real name. If she ever located the cruel bastard that named her Blood Diamond she was going to vivisect them with her chainsaw of justice. Not to mention she would hardly classify internal bleeding, simulated tuberculosis, and occasional brain damage in exchange for the ability to use magic an equivalent exchange. The only reason she had the luxury of living as long as she had was a result of her ESPer ability to immediately repair most superficial damage and her ability regenerate her major organs within a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, since the ability relies on a good deal of perception for damage control, the use of painkillers often caused more harm than good.