Discord paced the walls of his room, never turning left or right but still managing to move from one corner to the next in an ever shifting order. Celestia was late. Only by thirty seconds, but still late, and as a result Discord was starting to panic. When the sun had set so fast it looked like it had been yanked out of the sky Discord had been worried, but this was something else entirely. The longer it took for Celestia to lower the sun, the better a day she'd had, and the last time she spent less than five seconds on the task Yakyakistan closed its borders and the noble house of Greengrass mysteriously vanished overnight. The last time she'd been late, however, Equestria had almost roasted under the sudden heat wave. Discord had considered finding a hole and pulling it in after him, but knew that if he stood her up it would just give her time to plan her revenge, and he'd be lucky if she only decided to stone him again.
One minute passed, then two, then finally, finally, somepony knocked, a listless sound that trailed off after only a few halfhearted taps. Discord flew to the door and wrenched it opened, the tool flying out his hand after he'd finished using it to turn the handle. Celestia stood on the other side, although perhaps standing was too generous a term. She looked like a strong breeze could knock her over, and almost lost her balance entirely when a sudden draft fluttered the curtains.
"I'm sorry Discord," she said, her voice faltering, "but I'm afraid I have to cancel. I just," she sighed, "Don't have the energy."
Discord paused for a moment, then opened the door wider and gestured for her to enter. Pinkie had told him that listening was important, and this looked like a prime opportunity. "Why don't you come inside and talk about it?" he asked, keeping the usual mirth out of his voice. He doubted Celestia would appreciate it.
Celestia looked stupefied for a few moments, then her legs kicked into gear and she stumble-walked inside, collapsing onto the couch with a gust of expelled air. Discord sat across from her, mentally activating his "Fluttershy's tea party" skill set, and waited. Waiting was hard, especially for a chaos user, but he could tolerate it for short periods of time.
Finally, Celestia said, "Are you familiar with the political tactic called the filibuster?"
Discord winced, "How bad?" he asked.
"51 straight hours," She groaned as she sprawled out on his couch, "Ever since you and Pinkie pulled that stunt in the throne room. Long Wind is the most boring public speaker I have ever seen, and considering how long I've been at this that's saying something. And what's worse, when he was finished, his son took his place, and he was even worse!" her voice had risen at the end as she sat up, only to collapse again as the energy surge left her. "A pox upon that family. They've been a pin in my cushion for over 500 years, and they don't look like they're going to change anytime soon. I just wish I could make them-snork-ZZZZZZZZ..."
Discord sat there, staring at the comatose Princess for a moment as he thought, then a wicked smile came to his face as he summoned a steaming cup of liquid before waving it under Celestia's nose. "Oh Celllllllly," He crooned, "Drink this, you'll feel better."
Celestia stirred, opened her eyes, eyed the cup absently for a moment, then took it in her magic and downed it in one gulp. The effect was immediate, as she sat bolt upright with steam coming of her ears.
"By Order, that's good stuff. What was that?" She asked, speaking slightly faster than normal.
Discord pulled a bag of brown beans out from behind his back and read, "Chaos coffee! It jumps so loud you'll break your flower."
Celestia's face went blank. "Excuse me?" she said incredulously. Discord didn't reply, instead turning the bag around so she could read the label.
Chaos Coffee! It (verb) so (adjective) you'll (verb) your (noun)! Now with (noun)!
Celestia laughed, and Discord joined her. The best chaos came from letting ponies make their own choices, after all, so it was only fitting that the slogan was a mad-lib.
"Now," Discord said with his trademark grin, "What was that you were saying about the Wind family?" The only pony who got to drive Celestia up the wall was him, by Tarturus, and he wasn't about to let some boring mortal weasel in on his territory.
88888888
"Are you deaf?" snapped Long Wing at his butler, "I said a quarter inch to the left. My left." The butler resisted the urge roll his eyes and point out that Lord Wind had his left and right confused again and moved the painting (of Master Wind in a suit far too small for him) a half inch right.
"Much better," said Lord Wind, "The Princess is paying us a visit to discuss my latest proposal and and I want everything to be perfect. Everything must go according to plan. Every single tiny microscopic little thing!" Fortunately, the doorbell rang before Lord Wind could burst into song, as he had a terrible singing voice. The Butler went to answer it, straightening his tie before opening the door.
"Welcome, your highness," said Lord Wind, bowing low to the floor without looking up, "to my humble abode."
"Ooh," said a grinning male voice that did not belong to the Princess at all, "The royal treatment. I must admit I'm quite flattered."
The butler slammed the door shut, but it was already too late. Discord had entered, and was now floating through the main hall with aplomb, taking in the sights. And what sights they were too. Gold filigree was everywhere, covering the walls, floor, and ceiling, creating little suns where the lines met, while the walls and ceiling themselves were white wood panel, harvested from a rare and valuable breed of birch, and the floors were polished marble. The furniture was white and spotless thanks to copious amounts of magic bleach, leaving the paintings as the only spots of color, portraits of their glorious ancestry and landscapes where the dominant colors were pink, blue, and green.
"My, my," Discord said as he looped his tail though one of the carved holes in the rafters and hung sideways as he examined a picture of Long Wind the 1st, "Quite the collection you have here. Is this an original Rem Braynt?"
"Discord," growled Long Wind the 25th, "I order you to leave the premises immediately."
"Oh, don't worry," assured Discord, "I won't bother your little get together with the Princess. In fact, you won't know even I'm here."
Lord Wind quickly threw up a mental barrier upon hearing those words, causing Discord to sigh and shake his head, "Everypony always assumes the worst when I say something like that. Honestly, I've never actually erased a single memory, and I don't plan to start. After all, what's the point of gracing you with my glorious presence if you don't know it happened afterwards?" Lord Wind opened his mouth to retort, but then the doorbell rang again. "Mr. Withers," said Discord, addressing the the butler, "Could you get that please? I believe it's our guest of honor."
Mr. Withers hastily opened the door, revealing Princess Celestia in all her glory. Even in the dark of late evening she still sparkled like a pond in the sun, and she cast a warm smile down at Lord Wind as he bowed. "Please come in your highness," he said with as much dignity as he could muster with Discord hovering over his shoulders while making faces and sticking two fingers behind his mane. Lord Wind shot him a cold look, and Discord yanked his arm back before projecting an expression of utmost innocence.
"Lord Wind," said Celestia, looking somewhat confused, "What are you looking at?"
Lord Wind's gaze snapped towards her, then to Discord who had jammed his horns in his nose, then back to her. "You, can't see him, your highness?" he asked awkwardly.
"See who?" Celestia replied, her face blank.
For a moment, Long Wind the 25th looked shocked, then he schooled his expression and said, "No one, your highness. Right this way please."
He led the Princess into the drawing room, where he used his magic to pull out a chair that had been made extra large just for her, then sat across the table from her (that again, was white with gold trim) in a more normal sized seat. Discord followed them, busily spinning the paintings on the walls as he went.
"Mr. Withers, the tea if you would," said Lord Wind, his composure under stress but showing no signs of cracking. A moment later, the butler trotted out, a tray carefully balanced on his back. with a deft movement he shifted the load onto the table and smoothly poured two perfect cups of steaming earl grey, Celestia's known favorite, then left as inconspicuously as possible. Meanwhile, Discord had landed on the ceiling fan, and was currently riding it, letting out little's "whee"s as he went.
"So," Lord Wind said before taking a sip, and almost spraying hot liquid all over the princess in surprise. This wasn't tea, it was coffee! Really good coffee, the best he'd ever tasted, but still coffee. He glared at Discord, who simply smiled and waved, before turning back to the Princess, who hadn't appeared to notice anything wrong, and was in fact enjoying her tea (coffee?) very much if her smile was anything to go by. "Straight to business?" Lord Wind finished. Normally he'd try to engage in small talk first, but this night had gone far enough off the rails as it was.
"As you wish," Celestia said evenly, placing her cup on her saucer and giving him a stern look. "Perhaps you would care to refresh me on your proposal?"
Lord Wind did his best not to grin as he mentally prepared himself. He loved giving speeches, even if ponies had an odd tendency to pass out whenever he was in hearing range. Honestly, everypony but him was so weird sometimes.
He opened his mouth and took a deep breath, only to choke on it as Discord started juggling the fine china. Celestia followed his gaze for a moment, only to turn back to him and raise an eyebrow. He forced a smile and began to speak.
thirty-five agonizing minutes later
Celestia was still awake: not only that, she was still paying attention. "If I may summarize," she said after a few moments, as Discord finished stacking every single valuable object in the room on top of each other in what might be considered art by a brain-dead squirrel, "You wish to subsidize the new self-pulled cart industry with roads across Equestria because it would be much harder to sabotage?"
"That is correct, your highness," he replied, feeling pleased that his family's talent at public speaking had finally shown through, and extremely worried for the state of his house. Discord had disappeared into another room on more than one occasion, usually followed by shrieks of surprise.
"An industry you own a controlling interest in," she continued, smiling gently. Shrieks of surprise that the Princess hadn't reacted to in the slightest. In fact, a pair of maids with pink and blue manes had scrambled by in terror at one point, despite Long Wind only ever hiring one, and she hadn't so much as glanced in their direction.
"A minor consideration," Lord Word said, waving it off, "If a railroad is damaged all the traffic it carries is blocked, but if a road is blown up every single cart can drive around the hole and keep going. It's a much harder system to cripple."
"Yet much less efficient," Celestia replied as all the furniture in the room floated off the floor, "In any case, I thank you for your time. I'll consider your proposal and get back to you in the morning." The furniture dropped to the ground with a squeak.
"The pleasure was all mine, your highness," said Lord Wind, mentally praying that she left as quickly as possible since Discord was now braiding her mane, "Please do come again."
Celestia's smile widened, "I believe I shall," she said pleasantly, then continued, "Oh, and Discord? I think you forgot his mustache."
"But I don't have a-" Lord Wind froze as his hoof brushed against the hair surrounding his muzzle, and he stayed frozen as The Princess's words sank in. Did that mean-?
"Oh, silly me," Discord said, stretching his right arm over to rip the offending facial caterpillars off Lord Wind's face, "I was wondering where this went. Ta!" He said to Mr. Whithers, then pushed Princess Celestia out the door and shut it after him. The Lord just sat in his entry hall, gaping uselessly as his staff hid their snickers.
88888888
The pranking pair teleported back to Celestia's quarters before they collapsed in laughter, Discord clutching his sides as he guffawed while Celestia giggled helplessly. Every time it seemed like they might start to recover they'd look at each other and lose control all over again. It was like a contagious disease they kept passing back and forth. Finally, a good seventeen minutes later, they recovered enough to speak.
"Thank you, Discord," Celestia said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "That was exactly what I needed."
"I live to serve, your highness," Discord drawled, bowing to her in his tuxedo and setting her off again, "However, I must thank you for that brilliant idea. I would have just turned their house inside out and be done with it. But you! You wanted to break his reality, and that was a masterful attempt. It seems my lessons weren't quite as unappreciated as I had thought." He held out a paw and helped her to her hooves.
Celestia snorted as she rose, then froze, realizing just how close they were to each other. Her wings twitched, and she smiled slyly at him, "Say, Dissy," she oozed, "You've been a very good boy today, and you know what good boys need?"
"Ummmm," Discord said, his internal alarm bells ringing, "A good night's rest?"
88888888
The boredom of yet another night spent outside the Solar Diarch's bedchambers was interrupted by the door to said room suddenly bursting open. Discord barreled out of the opening, or rather tried to since his rear half was trapped inside a very familiar golden glow. Instead, he latched onto the door frame and shot the guards a pleading look.
"Help me," he breathed, claws trembling under the strain, then lost his grip and vanished into the darkness as the doors slammed shut with a thunderous boom that they really shouldn't have been able to make.
For a moment, neither guard spoke, until the one on the left turned to the one on the right and said simply, "Pay up."
88888888
All things considered, Discord thought to himself as Celestia snuggled into his back, having fallen asleep the moment her head hit the pillow, I don't know whether to feel disappointed that nothing happened, or relieved. After thinking about it for a while, he decided, Both. Both both both. Both is good.