Chapter 9
It Was All Right
The sun had just set and the milky sky was giving way to a crystal clear night. The horizon was laced with stoic mountains like dark honor guards, the sky was a deepening ocean hung with stars, and gypsy clouds gleaned the last faint rays of sunlight on their silver wings. And beneath it all, Canterlot glowed like a paper lantern, a harbor of light and life in a world draped in dusk. I filled my lungs with pure mountain air and stepped down from the carriage into the picturesque world of the Grand Galloping Gala.
I stood aside and held the door for the six ladies behind me. Each one wearing a dress almost as beautiful as their smiles. Each one glowing like the grand city before us. When Rarity designed those dresses to reflect the excitement of that moment, the anticipation and the wonder all in one, I don’t think even she could have anticipated how perfect they were. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had come dressed as the fairy tale they had always dreamed of, and yet somehow even more so. Spike used the technical term,
“Whoa! You all look… amazing!”
“You girls look lovely.” I agreed.
“You boys don’t look none too shabby, either.” Applejack winked. Spike blushed and began fiddling with his little suit and tie. Likewise, I puffed out my chest like a sage grouse and tugged on my coat lapels.
When Rarity had learned of my own golden ticket, she practically reenacted Grandpa Joe’s dance number in ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’. The fact that I stood upright allowed her to experiment with a lot of ‘unconventional’ and ‘avant garde’ styles that she was dying to practice. Though she had never tried her hoof at human formal attire before, I gave her full rein (no pun intended) over the project. I didn’t have a lot of experience in local fashion, and if ‘Suited for Success’ was any indication, then I decided that Rarity knew what she was doing better than me. I drew the line at feathery hats, however.
The results were interesting, to say the least, and not altogether disagreeable. The enthusiastic unicorn decked me out like Hugh Jackman's 'Jean Valjean', with a high collar, silk scarf and tall boots. The long coat I wore was mostly pecan brown, but sported a purple liner and a dramatic black and gold blaze around the edge. Altogether, I thought I looked very much like the ‘Grandmaster’ class in Fire Emblem: Awakening, but minus the turkey pan mounted on my chest.
“I can’t believe we’re finally here.” Twilight Sparkle breathed. “With all that we’ve imagined, the reality of this night is sure to make this the best night ever!”
The pony’s excitement filled the air like music and soon enough, we were all swept up in a magical musical number as we sang and danced up towards the castle gates. I typically didn’t care much for parties, but even I couldn’t resist the excitement of that special night. It was a night to see Canterlot’s finest, a night to eat sweet food and listen to savory music, but most importantly, it was a night where I didn’t have to worry about anything. Every other season premiere and finale from here on out was going to be fraught with dastardly villains, dangerous magic, and/ or broken hearts. But at least for that one night, I could relax.
The musical number ended just as we stepped through the palace’s archway into the Gala itself. Spike came up behind us, bubbling excitedly about his plans for that night and how he was going to give the Ponyville-ites a tour of the castle, but no one was looking or listening to him. Their eyes were filled with the light of the main hall and their ears were filled with the buzzing of Equestria’s version of the Oscars.
The palace looked even more radiant than the last time I had seen it, but with a soft light that seemed to come from the walls themselves. Every window was open, letting in the cool night air and the evening stars outside seemed as much a part of the decorations as the fresh bouquets and rippling silk banners all around us. And everywhere, ponies dressed in their most elegant attire were flowing through the great hall like a field of flowers. After we spent a couple heartbeats trying to take in the entire scene at once, out group split like a pie, each of us plunging after whatever caught out fancy. Poor Spike was left in the entrance and even I might have forgotten he was there if I hadn’t almost stepped on him.
“Hey,” I glanced down, “you all right?”
“Where are they all going?” He asked dejectedly as the five ponies vanished into the crowd. (Not counting Fluttershy, who avoided the crowd like a cat avoiding water.)
“They’re all going off to enjoy themselves.” I explained with my tongue firmly in my cheek. They were in for a surprise.
“But I thought we were all going to hang out together!” He pouted. “There was so much I wanted to show them.”
“Hey, you can’t say they didn’t warn you. You know, girls just wanna have fun.” I smiled reassuringly. “But hey, you can still hang out with me. Parties are a lot less awkward if you look like you came with someone.”
“I guess…” That still didn’t cheer him up. Perhaps Spike didn’t think I’d appreciate the tour as much as Rarity or even Applejack. “So, what do you want to do first?”
I pointed to the apex of the great hall, where Celestia stood at the top of a carpeted stairway. In the back of my mind, I realized that she wasn’t wearing anything special for the occasion, but continued to sport that iconic gold crest on her shoulders.
“Well, what kind of guests would we be if we neglected to greet our hostess? Isn’t that some kind of social rule? Whatever, it sounds like a social rule.”
“Um, Mark? Have you been to a lot of formal events like this before?” Spike asked hesitantly. He glanced around at the ponies passing by. The little dragon was used to being shorter than everyone else, but tonight, there seemed to be more people looking down their noses than normal.
“Nope! Onward, my good bachelor!” And, drawing myself up to my most snobbish height, I waded into the sea of ponies.
The evening had just begun, but already, a line of important-looking equines was accumulating on the stairs. They looked like migrating pilgrims, all marching up a ziggurat to meet the goddess at the top. And yet, somehow, the princess didn’t present herself as any more important than the lords she was greeting. She nodded to each one, smiling warmly and speaking softly to let each one feel welcome in her home.
I, on the other hand, had already begun to feel outclassed and perhaps even a little self-conscious. In Ponyville, I had been accepted as a neighborly citizen, a valued friend, and the ‘guy-who-helped-Rarity-catch-up-with-all-those-birds-nests-during-Winter-Wrap-Up’. But here, among all these foreign delegates and Canterlot lords, I was merely a human. And a commoner, at that. Already, I was gathering curious looks from the crowd the way a ship gathers barnacles. And yet, I couldn’t blame them. They were probably just curious as to who this dashing alien was.
“I say, I don’t believe I’ve made your acquaintance.” A posh pony half-coughed, half-sniffed behind me. Spike and I turned around to see a wrinkly grey stallion with a smoke-blue mane on the stair beneath us.
“Pardon?” I clarified, not sure if he was speaking to myself or Spike.
“I don’t recognize you from the previous Grand Galloping Gala.” The stallion sighed as if bored. “Am I right to assume you are an ambassador of some sort?”
“You could say that.” I held out a friendly hand. “But, yes, this is my first time attending the Gala. Spike’s, too, I think. My name is Mark. Pleased to meet you, um…?”
“Well Read. Sir Well Read.” Without glancing down at my hand, the pony whipped out a small piece of paper and slipped it between my fingers. “I’m the owner of Read Inc. You’ve probably heard of it. You see, I own and produce all the paper and blank documents that go through Canterlot and most of the surrounding districts…”
“I see…” I glanced down at the paper. It was a business card. A nice one, too. Thick as a fingernail and complete with a gold-embossed replica of Well Read’s cutiemark, an open book with splayed pages. “That’s… impressive. Do you do any work with the Book Hive, then?”
“Them?” Well Read snorted derisively. “I don’t think you fully understand, Mark. I practically own the publishers themselves who supply that little newspaper stand. If it has to do with the written word, they have to come through my company first.”
“Uh-huh…” I nodded importantly, for lack of anything better to say.
“And, where did you say you were from, exactly?” The stallion fluffed his nose with a handkerchief, releasing a wave of spicy cologne.
“I’m actually from Oregon. The humble jewel of the Northwest. Caught between the artsy artists, the fanatic sports enthusiasts, the lively lumberjacks and the country cowboys. Just west of weird and all that…” I straightened my scarf. It smelled like apples, but only because of Twilight Sparkle’s makeshift carriage.
“Indeed?” Well Read didn’t sound impressed. “And, what exactly do they export there?”
“Pinecones.” I snickered. “I can’t make this stuff up. You know those scented cinnamon-soaked things the grocery stores sell every fall? Oregon.”
“What a benefit to society.” Well Read yawned. “Should we, then, be expecting to see more of your kind in Canterlot? Our fair city could always use more… pinecones.”
“My kind?” I echoed. My new acquaintance had used an inflection usually reserved for termites and mold. A prick of anger twinged within me as I realized that Well Read wasn’t just making small talk. This pompous pony was surreptitiously sizing me up.
And it wasn’t just the old nag, neither. Glancing over Well Read’s shoulder, I caught a dozen more pairs of eyes looking down their noses at me. (Which was impressive, considering I was at the top of the stairs.) Sure, I was the only human in the room, but what I first took to be curious glances now looked remarkably critical. They saw me as a new, perhaps unwanted, variable in their social landscape. Fresh meat in a sea of business sharks.
However, I was also a representative of the human race. And I would not stand by while this starchy stallion dismissed me and my ‘kind’ as insignificant. Well, Penelope, two could play at this Saturday Night Live skit,
“Oh, I do hope so. My experience in Equestria thus far has been absolutely grand!” I flashed my teeth like a politician in a Colgate commercial. “Everypony here has been so hospitable and welcoming. Why, just recently, the princess herself invited me to a private dinner.”
“The princess?” That caught the stallion’s attention. “You’ve had an audience with the princess?”
“Mark, that was a long time a-Mph!” Spike started to whisper, but for some reason, my coat flapped him in the mouth. Must have been a breeze.
“It was quite understandable, though, considering her interest in human culture. There’s so much our lands can learn from each other, it makes sense that she would entertain an ambassador of such an influential territory.”
“Perhaps pinecones will become the next shock to our stock markets.” If they weren’t so droopy, I could have sworn that Well Read’s eyes were rolling sarcastically.
“My dear Sir Well Read,” extra emphasis on the ‘Sir’, “Was I wrong to assume that the Grand Galloping Gala was a locale for light hearts and jovial conversations? I only ask, because you seem to have completely missed my humor earlier. Do you really believe an entire state of such rugged beauty as Oregon would be so miserly as to only export fancy seed pods? Or, do I have to coax you to stretch your imagination and deduce where said pinecones come from? Mine is a land of timber, Sir Well Read.”
Spike looked up at me with wide eyes. My tone had completely changed and I had adopted a decidedly snooty facade. My family hadn’t dragged me through ‘Downton Abbey’ for nothing.
“Ah… I gathered as much.” Liar. At least he was actually looking me in the eye now. “I can see how that might be a strong market, though, if you’ll notice, precious little in Canterlot is made of wood.”
Besides your beloved paper, that is.
“Which reminds me, I could always use the input of a connoisseur of the finer things, such as yourself.”
“Oh?”
“Not a few nation-famous microbreweries call my land home, taking advantage of the rich landscape and quality ingredients to fashion a fine array of adult beverages. I’ve been keeping my eye out for how I can introduce such delights to your royal circles. After all, with all its formal events, it seems there is always an opening for such finery in a cultured town like Canterlot.” I smiled as the stallion cast a wary glance at the flutes of fine drink being carried through the palace.
“Very wise, Sir Mark, to invest in such things that will always have a demand.” Well Read spoke up with a sniff. “Just as your ‘mature drinks’ will always have a place at parties, so too will paper remain the backbone of this fine government.”
Ok, Dunder Mifflin.
“Ah, how I love this weather.” I gazed out a window with a sigh. “Reminds me of home. Ah! But I almost forgot, my land is far dryer than this.”
“A pity. I prefer this climate for the virility Canterlot is known for.” The stallion smiled easily, apparently referring to himself. Ew!
“Perhaps, but a number of large technology names have chosen to call Oregon home. I suppose, the dry air is far more hospitable to their cybernetics. In fact, Facebook recently installed a data center mere minutes from my home.”
“Cybernetics? Facebook?” The smile wavered.
“Oh, I’m sorry. You wouldn’t have heard of them before. Suffice to say that it’s a highly efficient way of conveying massive amounts of information….” I stepped up the last few steps to stand before Celestia, but I couldn’t resist finishing, “… without paper.”
And, with the dumbstruck face of Well Read behind me, I turned and smiled at the princess and her star student.
“Good evening, your highness. It’s nice to see you again.”
“And you too, Mark.” The princess beamed. “How are you? You look well.”
“Never better and setting a new record tonight.” I straightened out my coat for emphasis.
“I’m so glad. And it’s good to see you too, Spike.”
“Good to see you as well, princess. Everyone’s been looking forward to tonight since your last visit to Ponyville. At least tonight we don’t have to worry about Philomena molting!”
Twilight Sparkle and I gave the little dragon a startled, scolding look. Sure, the whole fiasco with the princess’s pet phoenix left an impression on everyone, but even a baby dragon should know that what he just said was remarkably tactless. Celestia merely chuckled and greeted the next pony in line, Well Read.
“Sir Well Read, how are you this evening?”
“Princess! I was just speaking with Mark about where he’s from, and I-”
“Yes, he’s very fond of sharing stories about Oregon.”Celestia grinned. “You must ask him about autumn in his hometown. His way of describing it makes you feel as if you were really there.” And, with the slightest nod, Well Read was dismissed. He hesitated, stunned, but obediently turned and followed the line of retreating guests.
“She’s good.” I thought to myself.
“Are you boys staying out of trouble?” Celestia chided, picking up where the conversation had been cut.
“I don’t have time for trouble.” I assured her. “Between keeping up with Applejack, dodging diamond dogs and quelling territorial disputes with the bison tribes, all my free time either goes into school, studying under Twilight, or exploring Equestria with my new friend Cherry Berry. She’s nice. Owns a balloon. A little rough around the edges…”
“Pleased you could make it.” The princess greeted another Gala-goer before looking at me intently. “Yes, Twilight mentioned that you were studying magic with her.”
“We’ve just touched the basics, though.” Twilight Sparkle blushed beside her mentor.
“I helped Twilight invent an 'iconic aura' spell that makes ketchup glow!” I beamed proudly. Twilight blinked uncertainly.
“You know, Mark, most ponies use segways before saying something like that.”
“Oh I assure you, Princess, it was for a good cause.” Spike looked up from beside me and I gave him a reassuring wink. “On another almost-but-not-quite-random side-note, Twilight now has a pet owl.”
“It sounds as if you’ve settled into Ponyville nicely.” Celestia glanced sideways at me as another fancy pony stepped forward. “I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that.”
“Yeah…” My voice became quiet. “Me too.”
This first season had been a long, bizarre, and wonderful road, but it had not come without its own fears and challenges. I always knew that I’d have to leave home one day, but a journey to Equestria had never been what I expected. If I were honest with myself, I was surprised that I was doing as well, emotionally and physically, as I was. Before life threw this sink-or-swim curveball at me, I had always been afraid to live on my own. I’d never been cast adrift like this, trying to find a place to fit in, having to make friends. But the princess’s words were comforting, reminding me that I had finally found a place where I belonged. The fact that I was standing in the Grand Galloping Gala was proof enough.
“Well, I won’t take any more of your time, Princess.” I watched as she greeted another lord. “I’ll let you and Twilight Sparkle get back to ‘the best night ever’.”
The purple unicorn was busy shaking hooves with a delegate, but Celestia heard me. There was a tiny twinkle in her eye as she said,
“Enjoy the Gala, Mark!”
“So, what now?” Spike wondered as we drifted back into the crowd.
I was busy pondering the exact same thing as I looked over the lake of top hats and powdered wigs. By now, Rarity would be chasing prince tail, Fluttershy would be discovering what a loudmouth she is, Pinkie Pie would have found the dance floor, Applejack might have actually sold a pie and Rainbow Dash may have already rescued said pie from a messy fate. However, I didn’t want to interrupt Rarity’s doomed date, Fluttershy didn’t need my help scaring critters, I couldn’t dance, the money I had in my wallet was reserved for doughnuts, and I didn’t want to witness the birth of the ‘Soradash’ ship.
“Let’s go exploring.” I proposed, plunging into the heart of the palace. I was in the mood for food and music, the scent and sound of which lured me further into the glowing halls of the Gala. As Spike and I left the palace entrance, I caught a glimpse of Rarity trotting off into the gardens. Her glass- shod hooves barely touched the ground and her eyes were filled with stars.
True to its fairytale expectations, the Grand Galloping Gala had something for everyone. It wasn’t so much one giant event as it was a number of intermingling ballrooms, each one with its own mood and decorations. There was, of course, the main dance floor where Pinkie Pie was prowling, with its regal alicorn statue and classical music ensemble on stage. (Including, obviously, the legendary Octavia! I would have introduced myself, but she looked too enraptured in her work, so I merely watched from a distance.) But in addition to that, there was also a buffet hall, an outdoor pavilion for VIPs, two smaller ballrooms, and a quiet room serving endless drinks.
“This is amazing.” I sighed, sipping a tall glass of something akin to sparkling cider. My friend and I were sitting on a stone bench outside one of the smaller ballrooms, resting in the twilight between the breathtaking night sky and the glowing party behind us. Spike was absently playing with his tail, caught between bored and frustrated. “What a night, huh?”
“I guess…” My companion mumbled. He and I had wandered across miles of polished floors and lush carpets, experiencing as much as we could and witnessing even more. We were stuffed to the gills with tiny sandwiches, ambrosial cheeses, and chocolate-dipped fruit. We had toured the stained-glass halls, gazed upon the frosty crown jewels and even witnessed the Wonderbolts splitting the heavens with their glittering trails of light and smoke. All this while listening to the mystifying strands of transcendent pony musicians. In fact, the only place we’d been unable to explore was the outdoor VIP section, which required either blue blood in your veins or a Wonderbolts costume to access. Yet, Spike’s enthusiasm had been waning all night.
“Everything OK?” Asking was merely a courtesy since I knew the answer.
“I just thought-”
“I know. This night hasn’t been what anyone expected. Neither you or the girls. And I’m sorry if you’re not having a good time.” I took a sip from my glass.
“What about you?” The little guy looked up. “You seem to be having fun, even when you’re just standing there eating.”
“Hey, don’t underestimate a good pickle.” I chuckled. “I came here expecting nothing, so it was impossible for me to be disappointed, but I’ll be honest, the excitement’s starting to wear off. Any longer and there’s the danger I’ll get bored. Bored, that is, of being stared at like a bearded lady at the circus. Bored of coming up with new ways to describe Oregon. Bored of… these!” I pulled four business cards out of my pocket. “And my cheeks are sore from smiling like a tour guide Barbie.”
“I bet tonight would have been better if the girls just stayed with us.” Spike pouted.
“Don’t worry.” A mischievous light filled my eyes. “The night’s still young.”
“It’s inexcusable!” A bellow echoed through the night air like a clap of thunder. Spike and I turned suddenly to see the source of the commotion. It sounded as if there was a very unhappy and very vocal pony just within the palace. He was practically shouting in what sounded like a Brooklyn accent.
“I wonder what’s got his bratwurst in a bunch.” I frowned.
“Huh?” Spike scrunched up his face.
“What’s got his goat?” I translated.
“Mark, I haven’t seen any goats here.” Spike looked around. I didn’t even waste my breath commenting on that as I stood and made my way towards the sound of the commotion.
“You may not realize it, but you’ve upset a lot of important ponies! I mean I know I’m not happy and if I’m not happy then you can bet your bottom bit that half the ponies here aren’t happy!” The voice became clearer. I stepped back into the realm of the Gala and what I saw there almost made me drop my glass.
She stood like a tower of iron and her eyes were like cold starfire. The crown on her head glittered like onyx and her mane looked like the star-flecked void between moonlit clouds. Princess Luna was at the far end of the room, standing beneath the verbal onslaught of a tall and boisterous stallion. His orange face was flushed and his once-pomaded yellow mane was shaking freely.
“This has been the single greatest insult to the government and the economy since the turquoise tax and we’re not going to let you get away with it! For generations, my family’s supported Princess Celestia and without so much as a consultation, she takes it upon herself to reform the monarchy into a diarchy!? Did you two give any thought to how this will affect the political landscape? What about signing laws into effect? What about the command of the guard? Which one of you has command over what? These questions must be addressed immediately!” That accent was definitely from Manehattan.
“We regret that this has become such a topic of contention among our subjects. However,-”
“Regret? Here’s what I regret. What about the tomato crop that was supposed to be imported last week? An entire season’s shipment could have spoiled in the amount of time it took for me to cut through the new security bill…”
Princess Luna stood unflinching beneath the blustering voice of her unhappy party guest. Although her face betrayed nothing but confidence, her rigid neck revealed how uneasy she really was. The Princess of the Night was cornered between the back wall and the angry guest. All she could do was wait until the loquacious juggernaut either ran out of breath or suffered an aneurism. Whichever came first.
Or, perhaps she just needed someone to take the wind out of his sails.
“I’m gonna go say hi!” I stepped forward, but the edge of my coat was caught on something. Or someone.
“Mark! Don’t go over there! That’s Nightmare Moon!” Spike pulled me back.
“That’s not. And I don’t want to hear you say that ever again.” I warned. “Come on, she looks like she could use some help.”
“No way! I’m staying here.” The little dragon didn’t budge.
“Whatever!” I just shook my head at him.
“You’re just going to leave me like all the girls?” Spike called after me desperately.
“I think you’re tired, you’re frustrated, and you’re just about done with this night.” I glanced back. “Why don’t you head on down to Doughnut Joe’s? I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Hmph! Fine!” My companion spun on one claw and marched back towards the palace’s main hall. Meanwhile, I took a deep breath and crept up behind ‘Mr. Caps Lock’.
“And what if you and your sister come to a disagreement? Should the entire world grind to a halt while we wait upon your family feuds? These would be nice things to know, your highness!” He used an honorific term, but his tone was far from respectful. “I mean, really, I can think of nothing more disrespectful!”
“Oh, I could probably think of something…” I piped up. The Billy Mays pony threw a glare over his shoulder and the princess looked up in surprise. The stallion’s stare morphed from angry to confused and finally to indignant as his eyes swept over my stature and my attire.
“What… are you?” He demanded.
“Calling you out.” I swirled my drink absently. “What? You asked me what I was.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Well, you won’t get it. Not until you start acting like a gentleman, that is.”
“Look, bub, I don’t think you understand-”
Oh, so you’re telling me there’s a scenario where it’s ok to yell at your hostess during the largest formal event of the year? Well, that’s a relief, because from where I was standing, you just looked like a hooligan.”
The orange pony’s mouth twitched.
“Now, just who do you think you are?” He spat. I held my hands open passively and put on my best horse-whisperer voice.
“I’m just trying to help, sir. You were making a scene while a lot of ponies were trying to enjoy their evening. I know I didn’t appreciate it, and if I didn’t appreciate it, then at least half of the ponies here didn’t appreciate it.”
The pomaded hair flailed a little as the stallion tossed his head and turned to face me head-on.
“Listen up! Do you know who I am?” He pursed his lips. I took my sweet time, examining him from the base of his silver gilded shoes to the top of his titanic coiffure.
“Donald Trump?” I shrugged.
“I’m Big Money!” (Took me a second to realize that was his name.) “Only the richest pony in Manehattan! Owner of no less than three of the top twenty enterprises in Equestria! I’ve got two private shopping districts, a newspaper, an armada of skyships and my construction company has built a sixth of Buckland!”
“So… I guessed it?”
“That champagne you’re sipping was most likely donated to the princess by me!”
“Really?” I pretended to act impressed as I peered into the bubbly liquid. The only thing sincere about my expression, though, was the fact that it was actually called ‘champagne’. “Did you spit in it before they served it?”
“What…?” Big Money’s face fell aghast. “What in the hoof is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, I just figured if you were going to pollute this serene night air with your discourteous bellowing, why not taint the drinks as well?”
“You insignificant…” The orange face turned as red as an Chinese fire hydrant in July. “I can say whatever I want at this pathetic cutesinera and neither you or the princess can stop me!”
“Granted… But I wouldn’t recommend it.” I winced. “With a mouth as big as yours, I’m afraid your ego will fall out.”
At this, Princess Luna blinked and swallowed hard. (It wasn’t until much, much later that I discovered that was her way of stifling a laugh when she’s trying to be serious.)
“I could buy this whole powwow and ship it back to Manehattan!” Big Money bellowed, shaking the chandelier above.
“I’m really glad to hear that.” My voice, in contrast, was dangerously soft. “Perhaps you could do us a favor and take any other unhappy guests with you. After all, some of us are still trying to enjoy the Grand Galloping Gala.”
Big Money’s wide eyes swung around to lock onto Luna.
“Princess!... Are you hearing this? The audacity-”
“Indeed. We find it nothing short of astounding.” Her voice was chill and level. “Unprecedented in the history of the Gala. If you would be so kind, Big Money, we would ask that you scour the palace for any sign of these ‘unhappy guests’ and immediately escort them someplace where they may be content.”
The red glow drained from Big Money’s face and his mouth flapped like a fish out of water. After a long moment, he regained control of his jaw used it to growl,
“Yeah, well, there goes a half of your precious Gala!” He stomped off, angrily brushing down his mane and casting glares back at me like rotten tomatoes.
“I figure it’s like a package of potato chips,” I mused, “only one half has anything good to contribute. The other’s just a windbag.”
“Yet, ‘tis not wise to make enemies lightly. That one commands much wealth and so he believes he commands much influence.” There was a hint of warning in Luna’s voice. My eyes wandered back to the garden and glistening night beyond.
“Says the princess who commands the vaults of a thousand night skies and the pure silver moon. I think Big needs to realize how small he really is.”
“Perhaps.” The princess fell into silence and looked out over the heads of the crowd. A few curious onlookers had watched the altercation, but they now returned to their own business and avoided the princess’s gaze. For a moment, I thought that was the end of it, that Luna would return to the Gala and I’d have to return to doing whatever it was bored bachelors did at fancy parties. However, just as I was about to excuse myself, her voice stopped me,
“Though thy actions were unwarranted… we thank you, Mark.”
“Oh! You already know my name?”
“Of course. It would be remiss of us to mistake the only representative of the human race. My sister spoke in depth about you.”
“Oh? Did I make a good impression?” I asked casually. Luna looked at me sideways.
“Suffice to say that we are not surprised at your actions just now.”
“You mean prying Big Money off you? To be honest, I surprised myself. Usually I’m not that good at banter and only come up with a sharp comeback after the fact.
“Actually, our impression was that you are severely ignorant of social courtesies, even if you have a deep concept of honor.”
“Heh. Yeah, well, that’s ‘Murica for you.”
“Yet, we still do not understand why you would put yourself in such a position for our sakes.” The princess looked at me thoughtfully. “Why didst though feel it necessary to involve yourself in our unpleasant conversation?”
“Well, how can I become a gentleman if I’m afraid to come to a lady’s aid?” I scrutinized my champagne as I explained, “You looked like you needed help and my life goal is to prove to at least one person that chivalry is not yet dead. Simple as that.”
“And here, we had begun to lose hope.” I couldn’t tell if the princess was trying to be funny or not. Her face was strangely emotionless as she looked over the ballroom floor. “There are many names that have been used to refer to us tonight. ‘Lady’ is not one of them. Nonetheless, thy efforts are appreciated.”
“Any time, your highness.”
We stood at the edge of the room, quietly watching while the other ponies floated over the polished floor like boats on a pond. I tried to act calm and dignified for the princess’s sake, but it was a struggle. After all, I was actually speaking with the single most ‘faved’ pony in the entire show. Just her name alone could get over a hundred ‘upvotes’ on Google +. Yet, the pony standing beside me wasn’t ‘Woona’, nor was she (to the best of my knowledge) a gamer pony. Instead, her presence was like moonlight rolling off of a storm cloud, soft, but immense and imposing. The embodiment of grace and solemnity, of darkness and redemption. I had a million things I wanted to ask her, anything to carry on the conversation, but everything I wanted to say sounded inadequate or inappropriate. After all, she didn’t give off the same relaxing mien as he sister. Fortunately, she broke my cycle of silence,
“How have you been faring, then? Has it been difficult to adjust to life in Equestria?” For such a casual question, her voice still sounded stiff and forceful.
“Well, let’s see here…” I swept my memory over the past couple months for any good stories. “Since coming to Equestria, I’ve participated in Winter Wrap-Up, and watched the Running of the Leaves. I’ve been afflicted by poison joke, have seen a phoenix be reborn, and witnessed the legendary Sonic Rainboom. I’ve been slapped by an ursa, fallen under the ire of not one, but two fully grown dragons, hunted cockatrices with the local witch doctor, and ran for my sweet life from a hydra. Yeah, that last one was especially enjoyable… But all-in-all, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for the world!”
“What made the hydra so memorable?” The Princess of the Night wondered.
“Well, it wasn’t so much the monster as it was the fact that Twilight temporarily forgot she could teleport away from it. And the gas. Nopony told me that hydras just gave off swamp gas. I was running around, freaking out because the legend of Heracles described their miasma as insanely lethal.”
“So all you knew about them was from a legend?”
“Hydras don’t exist where I come from.” I explained. “For that matter, a good sixty to eighty percent of all creatures I encounter are mythological back home.
“It must be strange to suddenly find oneself living in a land of mythology.”
“It’s not easy, but it’s nothing short of wondrous.”
As I looked at the passive face of the princess, I caught the sudden impression that she must be going through something similar. She too had been taken from the world she knew. She too had to rebuild her life in this alternate Equestria. If ‘Luna Eclipsed’ was any indication, she too would be struggling to find acceptance and a place to belong. Just like I had been before the mane six befriended me. Mustering my courage, I ventured,
“And how are you, princess? How have you been?”
“We are well, thank you. Our health has been greatly improved since returning home.” Beneath her noble tone of voice and her expertly-crafted facial expression, I saw a look I knew only too well. Loneliness.
“I don’t get it.” I shook my head. “At first, your make it clear that I’m nothing like these highbrow ponies parading around, and then you treat me like one of them by giving me a canned answer like that. I’m not anyone you need to save face with, your highness. If I may be so bold as to say, I might be the only person in this room who can relate with being plucked from home and dropped in this world. I didn’t ask about your health, I asked how you were doing.”
Princess Luna turned to stare at me and I, unwavering, tried to give her a reassuring nod. She took a deep breath as she studied my face, as if weighing whether or not she wanted to talk with me like a real person or bring an end to this conversation. Finally, she released her breath and admitted,
“We are happy to hear that you are doing well in Ponyville. Though perhaps envious. Once transplanted, a tree may struggle to lay down new roots.” She looked back at the ballroom. “And some soil is less welcoming than others.”
“You highness-”
“But that is an inaccurate title.” She cut me off. “Perhaps we once held a place of respect, a place above our subjects, but now not a day passes when we are not reminded of how far we have fallen. ‘Highness’ may be our station granted by my merciful sister, but whenever my subjects look at us, all they see is a former Nightmare. How can one build a new life when our own court seems determined to reject me?”
I mulled this over for a moment while the princess waited patiently. She had given me what I had asked for, a serious conversation, and things had gone from zero to a hundred in zero-point-no-time-flat. Fortunately, I was uniquely qualified to continue the dialogue.
“I could cite my own struggles, princess. Of the family I left behind who probably think I’m dead. Of the trials I’ve always had about being alone and my inability to make friends. Of how I had driven my schooling and my career into the ground. Of how inadequate and powerless I feel in this new world. And as for being looked at funny, well, I’m a pink bald bipedal monkey.” I chuckled. “But if I’ve learned one thing from what I’ve gone through, it’s that loneliness isn’t a competition of what makes my situation worse than yours or vice-versa. It’s an outreach of sympathy. The realization that I know exactly what you’re going through because I’ve been there. And the decision that I’ll be the one to listen to your struggles because no one deserves to feel alone like that.”
“Yet I have nothing to complain about.” Luna’s jaw became stiff as she lifted her chin defiantly. “Our sister has proven that she loves us. We have been welcomed back by her open hooves and forgiven for our past wrongs. What reason could we have for feeling lonely? Why do I… still feel lonely.”
“Depression doesn’t need logic.” I muttered. “Just ask the voices in my head. Life is rough, it throws things at you, it kicks you when you’re down, and the bad days are always trying to snatch away whatever happiness the good days brought. But you know what? That doesn’t change the fact that life is beautiful.”
“Perhaps your words come easily from where you stand.” Luna said pointedly. “You sound very pleased with where your life has planted you.”
“And I owe it all to my new friends.” I said solemnly. “Without them, I’d still be struggling to find where I belong. Heck, I’d even go so far as to say that I can attribute who I am as a person to them. My advice? Your first priority should be to find some new friends. Everything else will follow.”
“You sound like my dear sister.” The smallest of head shakes escaped the princess.
“If you don’t mind me saying, your sister is a very wise lady.”
“She did everything shy of insisting that I attend the Grand Galloping Gala this evening. Though, in all honestly, we were just as surprised as our guests to finally decide to attend.”
“Ah, so that’s why you’re in this side room instead of the entrance hall with your sister.” I thought to myself. The three ballrooms were subtly designed so that each one would have varying degrees of traffic passing through them, and this one was the smallest and quietest. Aloud, I said,
“Well, I can see the logic in that. How else are you going to make friends if you don’t socialize? Geez! I sound just like my mother. Of course, I’m being a flaming hypocrite by saying that, because I’m hopelessly antisocial. My idea of an exciting night is listening to Lindsey Stirling while playing video games.”
“Your behavior tonight says otherwise.” Lune squinted up at me playfully.
“Well, perhaps I’m just a good actor!” I laughed. The princess, however, became solemn again. She looked at the crowd in front of us as if all the ponies were clowns.
“It appears that you are not the only one. Our greatest struggle yet has been to see the world my sister and I fought for reduced to…”
“… A masquerade?”
“Precisely! Is this what we and our friends fought and bled for? An evening of social pandering and facades?”
“Look at me! I’m wearing Hoochie Coochie!
I only bathe in the finest ciders…
Ohmygosh! Did you see the way she was looking at me?
Did you hear my son got accepted to Harvard?
Ah yes, of course I imported my vineyard via my sky yacht.
Oh, you mean my billion-bit carriage? It’s starting to get dirty, so I’ll just buy a new one.
My peacock is bigger than yours!
Yada yada yada…” I fired off a number of increasingly sarcastic impressions. Princess Luna blinked and swallowed hard. I sighed,
“You know, Celestia mentioned something similar. She misses the old days and yet will do anything to keep her subjects happy. Even if it means being a political figurehead. But honestly, you can’t blame them.” Now I had to play devil’s advocate, “What matters is that the land is at peace. You and your sister know exactly what that cost, but these ponies didn’t. You saw the terrors of war and you decided that the future generations would be better off without it. You two stood in the gap so that your subject could have a chance to be happy. And I, for one, appreciate your sacrifice.”
“You speak as if you know what we went though.” Luna whispered. I kind of did, at least, as far as the Sombra and Discord war went, but I couldn’t tell her that.
“Mine is a land of eternal conflict.” I admitted. Not a generation goes by without fresh blood in the dirt. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I love Equestria. Because, for a moment, I can pretend that a world of peace is possible. That a day will come when all we will have to worry about is what year the champagne is.” I finished my lukewarm glass. “I envy your land, princess.”
“Well, you are welcome in it.” Luna finally smiled at me. “Even more so because you appreciate it.”
“Thank you…” I whispered. “And don’t worry about your subjects. Some of them are jerks, sure, but some of them really appreciate you. Not every princess can face down their nightmares like you have and you have a lot of wisdom you can share. Now you help them face down their own nightmares.”
“Face down their nightmares?” The princess wondered. “Art though still referring to the wars of the past or…”
“No, I mean literally.” My brow furrowed in confusion. “Don’t you guard the realm of dreams nowadays?” To my alarm, the princess looked at me suspiciously.
“Though it’s true my sister suggested such, I had not yet agreed to do so. And if we were to take up that task, she and I agreed that it would be a matter of the utmost confidentiality. How, then, do you know about that.”
Oh, snap! I hadn’t expected that at all.
“Um… I, uh, think I read it in a book somewhere. Something about your unique magical talents.” My collar grew a little hot and I hoped my nose wasn’t growing. “Perhaps I ran across a dream spell and I asked Twilight to clarify how such a technique would be used, I don’t know. I can’t remember.”
“Then that is for the best. Please forget that you heard that.” Luna commanded. “It’s true, however. After the events that led up to the birth of Nightmare Moon, my heart goes out to the souls who still struggle with their own doubts and fears. I desire to aid them, but if it was known that I can travel through dreams, we fear that many ponies, especially these ones here tonight, would villainize such power. They do not realize that our intentions would only serve to protect them from their own darkness and that I care not for espionage or monetary gain. That is why my sister recommended that I aid only fillies at first.”
“Like Apple Bloom during the Zecora scenario. They’re too young to learn to be biased against you.”
“… That is the theory… yes.”
“Well, I can’t, in good conscious, welcome you into my dreams. It’s a… (scary) silly place, my mind. But I’ll freely admit that I’ve had a couple nights where I wished someone could have saved me from my own whispers.”
“Remember, Mark, you are not the only one who needs saving… We too need someone to lean on from time-to-time.” Princess Luna slowly turned and took a deep breath. Her cold voice dropped a little of its edge as she said, “Forgive us if this is abrupt, but would you do us the honor of becoming our ‘friend’.”
I blinked a couple times in surprise and the ambient noise of the Gala was drowned out by the echoes that last word in my ears. I slowly set my empty champagne flute down on a nearby table, wondering if that drink had been alcoholic after all or if the warmth in my chest was from elation.
“So formal.”
“W-well, we have already determined that I do not have much experience in such things, correct? So, please do not mock-”
“Princess, I would be honored to be your friend.” I smiled warmly. “And I don’t have much experience in these things either. Not really. The only reason I’m such good friends with the six girls is (because I already knew them from the show) because Pinkie Pie is a better ice breaker than a redneck Alaskan fisherman with a stick of dynamite.”
“We are glad to hear it. Social events are far less awkward when one appears to be in company with a friend.”
“Yeah, we loners need to stick together.” The princess and I laughed at that.
In the distance, a clock sang out the hour and the mood of the ballroom had mellowed considerably. The night was wearing on, but wasn’t showing any signs of ending just yet. Suddenly, the pony musicians began to play an enchanting piece that perfectly complemented the fairytale atmosphere. It was magical and haunting and mystical and enthralling all at once, not unlike the ‘Starlight Waltz’ by Ponyphonic. I glanced over to see that the princess was just as captivated by the music as I was. She gently swayed from side to side like a moonlit meadow of grass.
In that instant a crazy thought hit me. It was a fragile and perfect moment, and I was afraid that if I said anything, it would vanish as surely as touching a snowflake. And yet, if I let that opportunity slip by, I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I steeled myself, faced the princess and asked,
“Forgive me if this is abrupt, princess, but… may I have this dance?” Luna looked up in surprise, but quickly softened into a smile.
“So formal… We would be honored.” And, side-by-side, we stepped onto the mirrored ballroom floor.
That was how I ended up dancing with the Princess of the Night.
Even though I had insisted that I could and would not dance, Rarity had forced me to learn at least the basics. As Luna and I moved in rippling spirals around the circular room, I reminded myself to thank the white unicorn. Pony dancing didn’t typically use the forelegs, so it was all a matter of moving in parallel with one’s partner. Not unlike Wall-E and Eve, I suppose. I, as the clumsy and unconventional earthling, and Luna as the graceful and serene denizen of the stars.
The music ended and the princess and I drifted to a halt. I had just taken a breath to say something, when a series of loud explosions shook the palace. Luna and I ran to the entrance of the adjoining room to see the source of the commotion.
A cloud of dust was rising from the crumbled remains of the room’s ornamental pillars. What had once been the main ballroom now looked like a scene from Fallout and the alicorn statue that had once stood at the head of the room now sat on Rainbow Dash’s quivering shoulders. Pinkie Pie was lying like a pancake in the center of the room next to a disheveled Applejack. Rarity was glowing as red as a communist fire truck and her once-pristine dress was stained with cake frosting. Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, who had just appeared at the main doorway, froze in place. Everypony was frozen, for that matter. Finally, even the statue on Rainbow’s shoulders cracked and fell to the floor.
“Well… it can’t get any worse.” Twilight Sparkle muttered. Apparently, there are some phrases that should never be said. A distant sound, like an approaching hurricane, filled the air.
“I think now would be a good time to excuse ourselves.” I whispered to Luna. She cast a curious look up at me. In the next moment, the doors leading to the royal gardens burst open like a bursting dam. Dozens of wide-eyed animals poured over the dance floor, scattering fur, feathers and mud over everything they touched. Behind them all, the most terrifying creature of them all shrieked,
“You’re… going to LOVE ME!” Fluttershy’s breezy attire was ripped, stretched, and stained with grass. The little pegasus was on the verge of tears as she shouted at the panicky garden critters.
The posh and starchy Gala disintegrated into a pool of chaos that Discord himself would aspire to. Lords and ladies, delegates and ambassadors ran in every direction, dodging birds and tripping over bunnies. The chaos was expanding like a nova and soon it would spill into the rest of the palace.
“Indeed. Let’s take this as an opportunity to retire for the night.” Luna smiled brazenly at how lively the party had suddenly become. “We bid thee a good night, Mark.”
“And you too, princess. Take care.” And, just like that, she vanished into the endless corridors of the palace.
I escaped through the VIP section, circling back around toward the front of the palace where a river of distraught and disheveled ponies was vomiting into the night. I strode past them nonchalantly as they pushed and shouted and ordered the valets to fetch their carriages. I’m pretty sure I even heard Big Money shouting again. My path took me beyond the gardens, beyond the gate, and down into the quiet streets of Canterlot. Every step took me further from the chaos and deeper into the still embrace of the night. A few rented carriages shuttled their gala-goers to the sky docks, but I didn’t mind walking that night.
I might as well have been on cloud nine.
Meeting Luna had been completely unexpected, but had made that night one of the best I’d ever had. She was still pretty formal, still pretty awkward in this time period and still adjusting to her new station as Celestia’s co-princess, but underneath, she was really kind. She had known loneliness, so she wanted others to feel accepted. She had known sadness, so she wanted others to feel happy. She had known pain, so she wanted to heal the broken hearts. And if being her first friend helped at all, then I was more than happy to oblige.
I’d never be able to tell the brony community, however. Even if I found a way back to Earth, I’d never be able to tell them that I danced with Princess Luna at the Grand Galloping Gala. They’d probably lynch me for ‘trying to steal their waifu’. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a ‘waifu’, let alone a pony one. Some of Luna’s fans could be as protective of their crush as a rabid yandere on crack!
My feet floated down the moonlit roads until I saw a large building with its lights still on. It had a giant doughnut mounted on its front and the sounds of laughter were coming from within. I shaded my eyes from the light and stepped through the doors.
“Mark!” All the girls were there along with Spike and Celestia. Even though their Gala dresses were all wrinkled and stained, the mane six looked as lovely now as they had been at the beginning of the evening. Their radiant smiles were more than enough to make up for the otherwise disappointing night they’d gotten dragged through. Even though I already knew the end of this episode, it still made me feel better to see them happy like that.
“There y’all are!”
“Where’ve you been?”
“You made it out in one piece!”
“Mark!” Spike waved at me from across the table. “The girls were just telling me about their time at the Gala! It sounded awful.”
Another cycle of snickers and knowing looks swept around the table.
“What about you?” Twilight Sparkle spoke up. “How was your night?”
A flurry of words rose up in my throat, threatening to spew everything about my fantastic time and my meeting with Luna, but something stopped me. Looking around at my friends, I was reminded of the night they had just fought through. They were tired, and disappointed, but that didn’t stop them from having a good laugh. They might not have enjoyed their time at the Gala, but they still shared the simple pleasure of spending time with each other. To gush about my own experience would have broken the mood. And so, still wearing a goofy smile, I shrugged and told them,
“It was all right.”