“I’m still confused by how the trains work in this place,” I comment, looking off into the desert. We were taking the early train to Dodge Junction, the second stop of our ‘round Equestria grand tour. The others, Applejack, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Braeburn, Shuck, and Boss, were all here to see us off. And apparently the train started from Canterlot and came down through Ponyville and went south then went back up in the west.
“Don’t ya’ll worry your head about it, Floyd.” AJ just shakes her head with a smile on her face. “Ya do enough of that as it is.”
“Yeah, yeah, make fun of the crazy guy,” I mutter, rolling my eyes.
“You’re not crazy,” Maud reassures me, giving me a slight nuzzle.
“Gee Maud, you always know how to brighten me up.” I smile slightly, nuzzling her back.
“See? Maud is best big sister!” Pinkie cheers, trying to hug us both.
“Hey, yer train’s a comin’!” Braeburn informs us, gesturing with his hurt arm, wincing a little. I look in the direction of Ponyville, and sure enough, the train is chugging towards us, letting out a whistle.
“Well, I guess this is goodbye for real, AJ.” I turn to her, only to get pulled into a hug. “Uh... AJ?”
“Y’all take care of each other, okay? Maud, Pinkie, Floyd. Ah don’t know what Ah’d do if any of my cousins got hurt.” AJ pulls away, giving each of us a glance.
“AJ, I’m not your cousin,” I point out, only for her to pat me on the withers.
“Floyd, y’all got a bit of Pinkie in ya now, that makes ya family!”
“And shoot!” Braeburn cuts in. “Any family of AJ’s is family of mine! Ya’ll come back to Appleloosa anytime ya want!” I just look between them, not sure what to say.
“Geez guys... I-I don’t know how to even respond...” I admit, casting my glance away, rubbing my arm.
“Don’t worry about it Floyd, y’all just enjoy your trip.” AJ smiles, turning to watch as the train pulls into the station.
“You all take care.” I turn, trotting onto the train.
“Stay safe.” Maud follows behind me, though... I can tell she’s sad.
“Maud is terrible at goodbyes, always has been.” Pinkie gets comfy on an empty bench.
I can tell...
~meanwhile~
“Excuse me! Miss Applejack!” The farm pony blinked, turning to see... Prince Blueblood, of all ponies, trotting over to her.
“Prince Blueblood?” she asked, giving him the stinkeye. “What are ya’ll doing here, Prince-Too-Good-Fer-Mah-Apple-Fritters?”
“Yes, well, um...” he coughed into his hoof, trying to avoid her glare. “You see... that was just to get Rarity off my back... I actually found your fritter to be very delicious.”
“Uh-huh...” She just shot him an unamused look. “What are ya’ll doing here Blueblood, ain’t ya afraid to get dirty?”
“No, it’s just very inconvenient. Do you know how hard it is to get dirt out of a white coat?” He looked around before leaning in closer. “Don’t tell anypony I said this but, my aunt actually bathes in fire.”
“Uh, what?” Applejack asked, looking at him like he was crazy.
“She’s fireproof,” he pointed out before clearing his throat. “Anyway, I was hoping if you could point me toward Miss Pie, Twilight was kind enough to inform me that she was in town.”
“Ya’ll mean Floyd? She’s on the train.”
“Wait, what?” He turned just in time to see the train starting to pull away. “Oh, come on!” he snorted in frustration and stomped a hoof.
“Just catch the next train, they’re only headin’ ta Dodge Junction.” AJ rolled her eyes. “Alright, come on girls, let’s go get some lunch.” She didn’t look back, leaving Blueblood to pout on the train platform.
“Wait...” he blinked, looking back at her. “Why did she call Miss Pie ‘Floyd’?”
“Why the hell am I walking funny?” I ask, looking back at my back left hoof. There’s a strange... I dunno, pressure that's throwing me off. I put my bag in the overhead before sitting down on the bench.
“Well, that's easy Floyd!” Pinkie sits next to me, pointing to my hoof. “You have a pebble wedged under your horseshoe!”
I just stare at her. Pinkie, we’re not wearing horseshoes.
“Of course we are, silly!” She giggles. “They’re magic! They blend in with our coat color!”
That's ridiculous! I’d know if I had horseshoes on!
“Would you?” she shoots back with a smirk. I blink, sighing a little. Do I just reach down and pull it off or...?
“Just grab it and pull it off!” Okay... if you say so... I bend over, grasping the edge of the hoof and tugging. I nearly lose my balance as I pull away a pink horseshoe. A small pebble falls to the ground, catching Maud’s attention.
“Pinkie didn’t tell you about the horseshoes before, did she?” she asks, trotting over to me.
“Uh, no... no she did not...” I blink, turning it around in my hooves. It looks like a normal, albeit pink, horseshoe, except it has two raised edges on the sides. “I’m going to assume magic. I know what a horseshoe is, I just didn’t think ponies wore them...”
“It’s to protect our hooves.” Maud gets comfy next to me. “Unlike our ancestors, we live very tame lives, so our hooves don’t get as hard.” She then gives me a look. “If you don’t have magic, how do you get the horseshoes to stay on?”
“Well uh... we kinda... nail them to the horses’ hooves...”
She blinks. “Sounds barbaric.”
“I mean, hooves don’t have any nerves, so it’s not like you’d feel anything anyway.” I place the horseshoe back on and it virtually disappears, looking exactly like a continuation of my hoof. “The only reason it happens is because domesticated horses don’t normally walk around enough to get their hooves to harden, unlike their wild cousins.”
“Your world is weird.” Maud chuckles again.
“Yeah, and so is yours.” We sit there in comfortable silence for awhile, with Pinkie humming Smile, Smile, Smile. “So...”
“It’s going to be at least a day until we get to Dodge Junction,” Maud points out, getting comfy, “We might as well get some sleep.”
“It’s not even noon!” I protest, pointing out the window, where the sun was shining away.
“That hasn’t stopped you before, Floyd!” Pinkie giggles, earning herself a glare.
“Ugh fine, I’ll take a nap... I missed out on some sleep anyway...” I grumble, laying my head down and closing my eyes. As I lay there, I hear Maud’s voice, humming a soft tune. “What are you doing?” I ask, lifting my head up.
“Pinkie always liked it when I tucked her in and sang Granny Pie’s lullaby.”
“I’m a bit old to be tucked in, Maud.” I just give her a flat look, which she returns.
“Come on Floyd, please? It’s a really nice lullaby.” Pinkie bounces up and down, a pleading look on her face.
“Alright, alright, lullaby me away...” I lay my head down again, closing my eyes. Maud starts to hum again, and starts stroking my mane. I don’t complain... it actually feels kinda nice...
“Hush now, quiet now,” Maud sings and... the monotone is gone, completely. “It’s time to lay your sleepy head.” She has a really nice... voice...
“Hush now, quiet now, it's time to go to bed.
Hush now, quiet now, close your sleepy eyes.
Hush now, quiet now, my how time sure flies.”
“Huh?” I ask with a blink, having woken up in my dream treehouse. “I guess that really is effective...”
“Hi Floyd!” Pinkie shouts, jumping on my lap, smiling up at me.
“Hey, super duper party pony.” I comment, smiling.
“Hehe! Floyd, you’re so silly!” Pinkie smiles, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. I just smile, patting her back.
“You’re not so bad yourself, Pinkie.” I chuckle, petting her ears, getting a happy coo from the pink pony. “So, anything you want to do while we nap?”
“Well... maybe... you could show me some of that dream?” she asks, looking up at me hopefully.
“I can try, but... no promises...” I lean down, touching my forehead to hers. I focus on the dream, and, I uh... assume I just, you know, put it into her brain? I have no idea how this works... After a few moments I pull away, the two of us disoriented to all hell.
“I-I remember that day...” Pinkie mutters, giving her head a shake.
“Wait... that actually happened?” I blink a few times, giving her a raised eyebrow.
“Uh huh. It was the first day of second grade.” She nods, snuggling into my chest. “It all happened the same... except for Shale, she wasn’t there.”
“That's weird... why the hell did I have a dream about some weird alternate version of the past?” I sigh, leaning on the wall, petting her head. “This place is going to destroy my sanity...”
“You know, Floyd...” Pinkie says, rubbing her chin. “Maud doesn’t sing lullabies for anypony... well not technically, she sings them for Marble and me...”
“What’s your point?” I ask, looking down at her.
Pinkie just giggled. "You'll figure it out, you just don’t see it yet!”
“You keep saying that. I’m starting to think I need to get you a thesaurus.”
“Is that some kind of dinosaur?”
I stare at her for a moment before letting out a cry. I open my eyes, a shooting pain coming from my ass. I look back to see a blue unicorn standing on my tail, my saddlebags in his magic. “The fuck!?”
He turns to look at me with wide eyes, then immediately bolts off the bench and out of the car.
“Maud! Get up! We’re being robbed!” Maud instantly gets up, not even looking tired. “He went that way! He’s got my saddlebags!” I point to the car he ran into.
“Stay here,” she says firmly, rushing out of the car. A few shouts carry over, followed by the sounds of fighting.
“Wait!” Pinkie shouts, popping up besides me.
“What?” I ask, looking at her.
“The cutie mark! It’s in your saddlebags!” She gallops into the other car.
“Fuck my life...” I groan, before following after her. Well, there’s Maud, with a few unconscious ponies laying around the car... but no blue unicorn or the saddlebags. “Maud...?”
“Yes, Floyd?” she asks, looking back at me and blinking slowly.
“Did you happen to see a blue unicorn?”
“He escaped through the other door with your saddlebags.”
I just stare at her for awhile, not saying anything.
“Floyd?” she asks, trotting closer, looking and sounding worried.
“They stole the cutie mark, Maud...” I say, falling down onto my haunches, staring at the floor. “They stole it...” We sit there in silence before I hear Maud stomping toward the other door. I look up as I hear the door being punched off its hinges. I see Maud moving through the doorway to the next car, wincing as I hear frantic shouting and very loud thuds, with some breaking glass for good measure. After a few moments of silence, I move up to the doorway and peek into the next car. The caboose, yes they have those here, is trashed , with broken benches, windows, and several pony shaped dents in the walls. Two ponies lay groaning on the floor, while Maud is staring at the door at the other end, which is hanging open. “Maud...?” I ask quietly, trotting over. She turns to me, quickly pulling me into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry... they got away...” she admits, tightening her hug.
“Maud... I-I can’t breathe...” I squirm a little, trying to get air to my lungs. She releases me and I take in a deep breath, savoring the air. “Hey.” I get her attention and we look into each other's eyes. “We’ll get it back, OK? No matter happens or what we have to do, OK?”
Maud nods, composing herself. “I caught these two before they could escape, we should question them.”
“I mean, we could try...” I tap my chin in thought. “Good cop, bad cop?”
“What?” she asks, blinking at me.
“Nevermind...” I take a second, looking around. “The hell did Pinkie go-” I grip my head in pain as what feels like a stake is driven through it. Pinkie materializes next to me, looking to be in the same amount of pain. “Great, video game logic, you got rubberbanded back to me.”
“Owie...” Pinkie whines, holding her head.
“That's what you get for running off...” I rub my head again, taking the time to pull a rope out of my mane and tossing it to Maud. “You tie them up... I’ll see what else we’re missing...” I grumble, moving back into our car. A quick check of our luggage shows that only my saddlebags are missing, which fucking figures. Pinkie, don’t ever, ever do that again. We don’t need that kind of pain, okay?
“Okay, Floyd...” Pinkie nods sadly, laying down on our bench.
Maud and I are going to ask those guys some questions, okay, you just stay here. I walk into the caboose, partly wishing Maud hadn’t knocked the door down. Maud’s tied the two mooks together, looking at me expectantly. “Don’t forget... we got the other guys in the other car...” I take a deep breath, focusing on the gathering dark thoughts in my head, feeling my mane collapse. I pull out a knife, winking at Maud. This was going to be fun...
“Did you really have to get all scary on them?” Pinkie asks as the train pulls into Dodge Junction. Yes, Pinkie, I did, it got them to talk in like a second. Besides I didn’t actually hurt them... just implied that something unpleasant would happen to them if they didn’t. So, we found out that the thieves are bandits, yes, apparently, they’re the ‘Bandits of The Cherry Blossoms.’ And that their leader is a hippogriff named Starscream... I may have ranted about that long and hard...
Maud grabs her saddlebags, one end of the rope in her teeth, dragging the two terrified bandits out onto the platform. The rest are still in the train, all tied up.
“So... what do we do now?” I ask, turning to Maud. Before she can answer, the conductor shouts over to us.
“You stay right there! I’m getting the sheriff!” He gallops off, causing me to sigh.
“Guess we just sit here...” I mutter, sitting on my haunches, looking around. It doesn’t look that much different from Appleloosa, I suppose all frontier towns have a general look to them. Maud just sits next to me, placing an arm around me. I lean on her, letting out a tired sigh, closing my eyes.
“Are ya’ll the Pie sisters?” a gruff voice asks, causing me to open my eyes. It’s a tall, older cream colored stallion, wearing a vest with a sheriff's badge pinned to it, and of course, a ten gallon hat. Standing next to him is the really pissed off conductor.
“Yeah, that would be us... sorta... I’m Floyd and this is Maud.” I pull away from Maud. “We uh... got robbed earlier-”
“And wrecked my cars!” The conductor glares.
“Yes, yes that happened.” I roll my eyes. “Now we caught two of them and they told us they belong to some Cherry Blossom gang...”
“Those bandits have been hasslin’ us for months!” The sheriff spits in disgust. “We just can’t seem to get rid of them.”
“Look, they took something really important, okay? We need help getting it back.” I look at him, trying to look dead serious.
“Look here missy, it don’t right matter what ya lost, ya most likely ain’t gettin’ it back.” He shook his head. “Best just forget it.”
“You see this?” I ask, pointing at my bare flank. “My cutie mark was removed. Don’t ask how, it's a very long and traumatic story. Fact of the matter is, I’ve been keeping it in a jar, which was in the saddlebag that they stole. Now, either you help us or we’ll do it our goddamn selves!” I seethe at him, getting in his face, causing him to back up.
He sputters a little, glancing between my face and my ass.
“Ahem.” The conductor clears his throat. “The damages?”
“Oh uh... yeah...” The sheriff moves away, following the stallion into the train.
“I think I’m going to have another episode...” I groan, rubbing my head. Maud gently rubs my back which, admittedly, feels good...
“Remember Floyd, we’re here for you.” Pinkie smiles, sitting next to me. I know, Pinkie. I know...
“Sweet Celestia! It looks like a dragon went through here!” I hear the Sheriff shout, causing me to smirk.
“You might look like a pony, but apparently you’re actually a dragon,” I say to Maud, much to her amusement. Maud smiles at me, letting out a chuckle. I wonder if anyone else can see her do that?
“Nope!” Pinkie giggles, shaking her head, “Just you and me! Everyone else just sees boring Maud!” Huh... I guess I got myself some Madman’s Knowledge... “Careful, the universe might start throwing Bloodborne at us.” Don’t, Pinkie... just don’t...
“How in the hay did ya’ll cause that much damage?” the Sheriff asks, walking over to us, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Because Maud here is a dragon,” I point out.
“Rawr,” Maud deadpans, getting a laugh out of me.
“That mare ain’t a pony! She’s some type of monster!!” One of the tied up bandits shouts, trembling in fear.
“Ah s’pose ya’ll got some fightin’ skills...” the Sheriff mutters, wriggling his mustache. Yeah, forgot to say he has one of those. Sue me, I have bigger things on my mind. “Alright missy, ya’ll want to get into law enforcement? Cause ya’ll just got deputised.”
“That's... good?” I ask, tilting my head to the side.
“Ah got a stallion on the inside. Ah’m supposed ta meet him today, but now ah gotta deal with this mess.” He gestures to the train. “So ah’ll send ya’ll to go meet up with him. He goes by the name Alias, and when he asks ya who ya’ll are.... tell im’ yer the one who knocks.”
“Okay...” I nod my head. “So where do we go to meet this guy?”
“Not surprised we have to meet this guy in a cherry orchard... I get the feeling these are extravagant bandits...” I mutter, not looking up from our game. Out of sheer boredom, we decided to play tic-tac-toe, with rocks for ‘o’ and sticks for ‘x’. Maud has been thoroughly kicking my ass, much to my annoyance.
“Oh hey! Girls! We got company!” Pinkie calls from her place up in a tree. Don’t ask me how she could climb it, it’s like she has selective solidness. It doesn’t take long for the new arrival to appear, an orange unicorn with a blue mane and tail, wearing a bandana around his neck and a hat on his head.
He looks from Maud to myself, rather confused. “Who are ya’ll?” And... he’s sixties Bob Dylan. I just sigh, taking in a deep breath.
“We’re the ones who knock.” Maud deadpans and I can only imagine her with the hat, glasses and beard.
“Sheriff couldn’t come?” ‘Alias’ asks, raising his eyebrow.
“It’s a long story,” I start, getting up, “Thing is, your gang stole my saddlebags and I want them back, including what was in those bags.”
“Ya’ll are the two from the train that just came inta’ town right?”
“Yup.”
“Ah can get ya in, turns out the boss put a bounty on ya. He don’t take too kindly ta ponies who beat up his guys.”
“So... you gonna just bring us in?” I ask, gesturing for Maud to get up.
“Yup... ya’ll just gotta be cool.” He pulls out a rope, proceeding to loop it around my neck and then Maud’s. “Alright, ya’ll just follow me and we’ll see bout’ gettin’ yer stuff back.”
“Alright, let’s get this over with... but if I end up as Slave Leia, you are sooo dead.” He just gives me an odd look before taking the end of the rope in his mouth, leading us to a rather nice looking mansion in the middle of the orchard. Alias nods to the guards at the door, making a show to tug on the rope, ‘causing’ me to stumble. I growl at him, glaring at the guard. Maud just... blinks...
They actually have a nice set up, the place is furnished... with pictures of Starscream, I assume it's him, on nearly every wall. Alias leads us into a room and... okay, fucking seriously!? The chicken-horse is sitting on a throne, with a crown on his head, as well as a purple cape.
“Ah, Alias!” Starscream starts, and of course he has the screechy G1 Starscream voice, “I see you’ve found those ruffians that would dare to impede my minions. Excellent work!” He’s got the colors down, though I can’t see if he has a cutie mark. Beside him are two other hippogriffs, one purple and black, obviously Skywarp, and the other mostly blue, obviously Thundercracker. “Now, tell me your names, and save me the trouble of forcing it out of you.”
I just roll my eyes at him. “I’m Pink Floyd and this is Maud. I’d like my saddlebags back.”
He laughs, a shrill guffaw that makes me want to punch his beak off. “You're not in the position to make demands, mud pony! I have half a mind to let my cohorts have their way with you!” And only now do I note all the thugs in the room... staring at us... with hungry eyes...
“Floyd...” Pinkie whines, noticing them as well, “I don’t like the looks they're giving us...” Relax Pinkie, I got this.
“I mean really Chicken-Horse, you think you can take us?” I easily slip the rope from around my head, Alias didn’t exactly tie it all that tight, with Maud doing the same. “Either you give my stuff back or I’ll go Galvatron on your ass!”
“What?” He blinks, looking confused.
“Here’s a hint!” I whip out a pie, chucking it at his face. He lets out a squawk, flailing as he drops out of his throne, sputtering to get the cream out of his nose holes.
“Get them!!” he manages to shout, still hacking up some pie.
“Floyd! Duck!” Pinkie shouts. I drop to the floor, watching as a pegasus flies over my head, smacking into the wall. “I’ll do the Pinkie Sense, you just do the ducking and jiving!” Seriously, stop using my mind like Wikipedia! “Quick! Kick your left back leg out!” I do so, hearing a high pitch squeal followed by a thud. Peeking over my shoulder, I see a curled up earth pony, tears streaming down his face, hooves down between... oh... oh... sucks to be you guy...
I take a glance over at Maud, who was nonchalantly tossing dudes over her shoulder. Alias, either because we kinda blew his cover or decided to break it himself, had pulled out the magic, tripping up a pony’s leg, making him knock over his comrades.
“Floyd! Jump left!” I do so, barely avoiding being cleaved in half by an ax-wielding minotaur.
“The fuck did he come from!?” I ask, watching him lift it back up.
“We don’t have time for the birds and the bees! Quick dart under him and buck him in the butt!” I don’t even question her, ducking under him... and avoiding his junk. I take in a breath, kicking backwards with my hind legs. He stumbles forward, only to have Alias bring a chandelier down on his head.
“Nice one!” I smirk at him, only for Skywarp to ram into me, sending me tumbling to the ground. I bring my arms up, mostly so I don’t have to find out if ponies can get broken noses.
“You stupid mud pony!” Starscream screeches at me, pouncing on me. “I’ll make you wish your useless mother had never pushed you out!” I scream in pain, feeling his claws rake across my chest. The world seems to go silent and he’s knocked off of me by a grey blur. I curl up, clutching my chest, squeezing my eyes shut.
“Fuck! Fuck, that hurts!” I shout, feeling tears roll down my face. Oh god Pinkie I’m sorry! I almost just got us killed!
“Floyd! We’ll be okay, just rub some dirt in it!” That's not helping! I roll around in pain, gritting my teeth. I’m barely aware of the sounds of the fight, I’m more worried that I’m fucking bleeding!
“Hold still now.” Alias suddenly appears next to me, missing his hat and sporting a nice shiner. He pulls his bandana off, using his magic to pry my legs from my chest, pressing the cloth to my wounds. “Y’all are lucky he didn’t cut too deep, just a flesh wound.”
“You’re not the one he slashed, asshole!” I shout at him. I hear a squawk and turn in time to see Maud, wearing a face of utter rage, holding Starscream’s tail, slamming him into the ground again and again. She throws him into a pile of other groaning goons, then bolts over to me.
“Floyd.” She looks down at me, her rage melting into worry. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah... just a scratch in the paint...” I chuckle, wincing as Alias presses the bandana tighter.
“She just needs some stitches.” Alias nods, pulling away so I can hold the bandana myself. He helps me up, and it takes me a second to get steady on three legs.
“Is there a doctor in town?” Maud asks, letting me lean on her.
“‘Course.” Alias trots out of the room, returning with the saddle bags in the magic. “Ah believe these are yours.” Maud takes them, doing a quick check to make sure the cutie mark is still in there. She slips it on, helping me out the door. We’re already at stop two and I nearly got iced by a chicken-horse, this trip sucks...
“Excuse me,” Blueblood spoke up, catching the attention of one of the locals, “I’m looking for a pink mare, poofy mane and tail, have you seen her?”
“Actually, yeah! Ah saw a bright pink mare going into the doctor’s office!” The mare nodded, pointing to a white building, placed right next to the saloon.
“Doctor? Is she alright?” Blueblood asked, his eyes widening a little.
“Well, she was clutchin’ her chest, but otherwise she seemed alright.
Blueblood sighed, nodding his head. “Thank you, my good madam.”
“Aw shucks, tweren't nothin’!” They said their goodbyes, with Blueblood moving into the office.
“Will you please stand still?” a stallion’s voice commanded, followed by a wince.
“I would if it didn’t fucking hurt!” Pinkie Pie’s voice called back, wincing in pain. Blueblood was caught off guard by her choice of language but pushed past it.
“Am I interrupting?” he asked, standing in the doorway.
“Uh... Hi Blueblood... what are you doing here?” Pinkie blinked, looking at him, tilting her head in confusion.
Blueblood just smiled. “Well, my dear, actually I’ve been trying to find you.”
A pair of eyes watched from the window, locked onto Floyd. They lingered on his flank, a smile forming on their muzzle. "So it is true...you didn’t get your precious cutie mark back. Just you wait ‘Floyd’, when I'm done with you... the cutie mark isn't going to be the only thing you miss.." They slunk back into the shadows, eyes never leaving the pink mare.