“Welcome to AAAAAAAPPLELOOSA!!!”
I squee a little, bouncing up and down in place. Yes, I know, I’ve been here are over a week and Braeburn is what makes me fanboy out? Well to you good sir or ma’am, I say you haven’t experienced the joy of getting the Appleloosan greeting for yourself, so ha!
“You’re such a silly filly, Floyd!” Pinkie giggles at me, a bright smile on her face.
I don’t even care, I’m having fun. Anyway. I calm myself down and clear my throat. “Nice to meet you Braeburn, name’s Floyd, Pink Floyd.”
“Ah thought yer name was Pinkie Pie?” he asks, blinking at me, looking rather confused about our name.
“It’s a long story, cuz,” AJ cuts in, coming to me rescue. “This’n here is Floyd, she may look like Pinkie but she’s a whole ‘nother pony.”
“Well, howdy Floyd!” Braeburn smiles. “And who's this?” he asks, turning to Maud, who returned his smile with a blink.
“This is Maud,” Applejack speaks, pulling both Maud and I into a hug. “She’s Pinkie’s sister! Except, she’s rather quiet.”
“I like rocks,” Maud informs, blinking.
“Well, as ya’ll can see,” he gestured with his injured arm, “we have a lot o’ rocks here!”
“Are ya’ll two gonna be alright finding yer way round’?” Applejack asked, pulling away from us, “Me and Brae’ gotta take care of some things for the rodeo, so neither of us have time ta show ya’ll around.”
“We’ll be fine, AJ.” I wave my hoof dismissively. “You go do your rodeo stuff, Maud and I will be just fine, right Maud?” Maud nods. “So, don’t you two worry about us!”
“Well... alright.” AJ looks a bit uncertain. “But iff’n ya’ll need anything, we’ll be at the corral. Come on ‘Bloom, girls,” she calls over to the Crusaders, who fall in line behind her and Braeburn.
“So...” I cast a glance at Maud. “What do we do first?”
“Find the hotel and put our saddlebags away.” She thinks for a moment. “Then, I’m going to go collect samples. Do you want to come with me?”
“Sure, why not.” I smile at her. “I mean, you aren’t just here for me, after all.”
Maud nods before looking down. Picking a direction, I guess at random, she starts to trot away. I follow her, taking in the sights and sounds like the pathetic fanboy that I am.
“You're not pathetic, Floyd!” Pinkie chastises, bouncing along beside me. “I’m sure Dashie would react the same if she was sucked into the world of Daring Do!”
Pinkie, Daring Do is real.
“No silly, not the real one, I’m talking about the book version!” She rolls her eyes. “I mean come on, not everything in those books is true! You know she exaggerates and stuff. I mean, just look at the one she published about our adventure! She didn’t get my name right!” Pinkie narrows her eyes a little. “Surprise Pie my flank...”
Uh huh... well I’ll let you.. stew over that slight and I’ll be over here geeking out.
“Careful Floyd, people might start calling you a self-insert!” Pinkie teases, her past grievance with Daring seemingly forgotten.
Oi! I’m not a self-insert!
Pinkie giggle snorts at me. “Just you wait Floyd, by the end of the story, you're going to end up a black and red alicorn!”
I just groan, facepalming. Why did I explain bronydom to you again?
“Because I asked nicely!”
I just sigh, shaking my head.
“Are you alright Floyd?” Maud asks and I can distinctly hear a tinge of worry in her voice. Huh, that's new.
“Yeah, I’m fine Maud, just Pinkie being Pinkie is all.” She nods, almost sage like.
“Pinkie can overwhelm you sometimes.”
“Has she ever overwhelmed you?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Pfft, no way!” Pinkie says dismissively. “There’s no way I’ve ever even whelmed her!”
“There were a few times when it seemed a little much but...” She looks over at me and I see the ghost of a smile gracing her muzzle. “I’ve always made sure to be there for her.”
“It must have been something, to grow up with siblings.” I wave at a few ponies, who wave back. “I mean, I had cousins but that's not really the same thing.
“Were you close with any of them?” Maud asks, and I swear her tone is curious.
“Only one, my cousin Jason. His mom and my father are siblings.” I smile, a few fond memories of us playing as kids coming to mind. “He’s a nice guy, if a bit of a dick.”
“Floyd, it’s not nice to call your family names,” Pinkie chastises, “Family should be supportive.”
“Not every family is.” I shrug.
“What’s Jason like?” Maud steers me down a side street, seeming to know where she’s going.
“Well, like I said, Jay’s kind of a dick. He swears just as badly as me, speaks his mind way too much and used to be a hardcore slacker.”
“Used to?”
“Yeah, after he got stabbed by a drug dealer he cleaned up his act. Didn’t help with his parents, though. They were really devout Christians and when we were in high school, he started worshipping an old bearded guy with an eye patch to piss them off,” I explain, memories of that little event playing in my head. “He had to move in with us because his parents kicked him out.”
“Aw... that's sad...” Pinkie frowns a little. “What happened to him?”
“Well...after about a year in college, he got really serious about the religion thing and dropped out to go all ‘mountain man’ out in the woods.” I tap my chin. “Something about being a ‘true norseman.’”
“What's an oarsman?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head to the side. “Isn’t that a pony who rows?”
“No Pinkie, I said Norseman, not oarsman.” I roll my eyes, shaking my head.
“We’re here.” Maud comes to a stop, looking ahead. I look up, seeing a rather nice, old west era building with a big sign that read: ‘Appaloosa Inn’.
“How’d you get us here?” I ask, looking at her. “I didn’t think you’ve been here before...?”
“I saw it when the train pulled in.” She lets out a little chuckle-wait what?!
“Maud did you just... laugh?” I ask, giving her a weirded out look. She just smiles at me, trotting into the building.
Pinkie!? Help!! Maud is showing emotion! The end is nigh!!
Pinkie just giggles at me, shaking her head. “You’re such a silly filly, Floyd!” She bounces past me, phasing through the inn’s set of swinging doors.
“Pinkie! This isn’t a laughing matter!” I run in after them. Maybe it’s all just in my head?
“So what are we looking for, exactly?” I ask Maud as we trot out into the desert surrounding Appleloosa. There haven’t been any more weird Maud-emotions but I’m keeping my eyes out.
“Any open deposits.” Maud keeps her head forward, scanning the landscape around us.
“Kinda reminds me of home...” I mutter to myself. Sure, it’s hot, I’m sweating under my fur and there are bugs but you know... it makes me all nostalgic...
“I think this is a good spot.” I slow my trot, turning to see Maud lower her head and take a bite out of a rock. Jesus, how hard are her teeth!?
“Maud has the strongest teeth in Equestria!” Pinkie pops up beside her sister. “Her teeth are so hard, dentists usually go through a few drills when cleaning her teeth.” I just shake my head, not questioning it.
“Do you want me to do anything?” I ask, gesturing to her saddlebags.
“Can you unpack my equipment while I look around?” She shrugs off her bags, which land on the ground with a thud.
“Yeah, I can do that. You go get your rocks off.” I smirk while Pinkie groans at my joke.
“That was terrible, Floyd. I mean, Maud walked right into it, but that doesn’t mean it was any good!”
Maud looks at me for a moment before she smiles. “Good one, Floyd.” She grabs a few things from her bags before walking off.
“See Pinkie?” I ask, starting to pull things out of the saddlebags, placing them as best a cluster as I can, as I have no idea what half of this stuff is. “Maud thought it was funny.”
“That's because Maud finds anything rock related good.” Pinkie sits down with me and we fall into a nice little chat.
“So, you think If I went through that mirror would I go back to being my old self?” I get as comfy as I can, my legs folded up under me.
“That's a good question.” Pinkie tapped her chin, her tongue sticking out of her mouth as she concentrated. “Maybe if we went through, we’d turn into the human you and I’d be in charge.”
“I hope that never happens.” I shudder a little. “Weird pony-human high school world can only handle one Pinkie Pie.”
“Hey Floyd... you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you?” Pinkie asks, looking around.
“I always feel like somebody's watching me.” I smirk. “Can’t get no privacy.”
Pinkie returns my reference with a pout. “Seriously Floyd! I think somepony is watching us!”
“You're imagining things, Pinkie.” I roll my eyes. “No one is wa-” I’m cut off as something pounces on me from behind. I let out a cry, thrashing around pathetically.
“What are you doing here!?” a gruff voice demands, pressing my head into the dirt. “Who were you talking to!?”
Panicking, I struggle, only for whoever is pinning me down to press more weight on me.
“Who were you talking to!?” the voice demands again, followed by a very angry growl. Pinkie!? What do I do!?
“Call for Maud!” Pinkie shouts at me, standing there with a look of helplessness in her eyes.
Taking her advice, I inhale as much air as I can. “M-Maud!!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
“Mud huh?” the voice asks, grunting. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Where is thi-” The voice gets cut off as a grey blur tackles him off me. I bolt to my feet, my heart pounding in my ears, and whip around to see Maud pinning a black Diamond Dog to a boulder, a look of utter fury in her eyes.
“Whoa... she’s scary.” I pant, feeling my legs wobble like jelly.
“Maud’s the bestest big sister ever.” Pinkie trots over, and gives me the best hug she can. “You OK, Floyd? That was really scary.”
“Y-yeah I-I’m okay...” I take a few deep breaths, watching as my canine attacker struggles under Maud’s unflinching grip. ‘Wait... you were scared? How can one diamond dog scare you when you’ve fought monsters like Tirek...?”
“Those guys always scare me, Floyd,” Pinkie explains, looking into my eyes. “But I know with my friends beside me that I can beat them. But you,” she pokes at my chest, “You're just...” She scrunches her muzzle, looking for the right words. “You’re like a foal, you don’t even know how to use your earth pony strength.”
I open my mouth to retort but close it soon after. You know Pinkie, you're right. I sigh, hanging my head. My ears perk up, Maud’s voice catching my attention.
“Why did you attack my sister?” Maud asks, her usual monotone carrying a distinct hostile undertone. She had her forearm against the dog’s throat, holding it up off the ground.
“I’m not going to tell you anything.” He glares back at us with red eyes. Maud gives him an unamused look, drawing her hoof back and punching the boulder right next to his head. It creates a rather nicely sized hole, sending cracks through the whole thing.
“I’m waiting.” Maud blinks, daring him to try anything.
He sighed, looking at her. “Alright, alright. Look, I wasn’t going to hurt her.” He gestures to me. “You're in my pack’s territory, and I found a pony sitting out in the open, talking to herself rather suspicious.”
I tap my chin, staring at him. His voice is so familiar... wait... “What’s your name?” I ask, walking over.
“Shuck.” He turns to look at me and I notice the bandana tied around his head. “Black Shuck.” I stare at him again, my eye twitching. Yup. I know that voice, freaking David Hayter. I was attacked by a diamond dog voiced by David Hayter. That voice choice was oddly appropriate, score one for you, universe.
“Wait...” I blink, realizing something. “Your name is Black Shuck... I’m not going to you know... die from seeing you three times, right?”
“What?” he asks, sounding horrified. “Why would I do that? I’m a ranger, not a murderer.”
“I wasn’t implying anything!” I quickly put my hooves up. “It’s just... where I’m from there's a legendary dog named the Black Shuck and if you see it three separate times, either you or someone you know will die soon.”
“Yeah well, I don’t kill people that look at me.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Well, good...” I cough awkwardly, looking at Maud. “I’m pretty sure you can let him go now.”
Maud gave me a look before turning back to Shuck. “Don’t touch my sister again.” She let the dog go, dropping back down to all fours.
“Noted...” Shuck mumbled, rubbing his throat. “Look, I’m sorry about attacking your sister, I’m just trying to keep my pack safe...”
I nod. “I forgive you, though... I think I have a way for you to make it up to us.”
“Yeah?” He crosses his arms. “How’s that?”
“You see, Maud here is a... geologist?” Maud nods. “Yeah, geologist, and diamond dogs know the earth better than anyone so... why not take us to your den? Maud’s bound to learn something.”
Maud pauses, looking at the ground. “There's almost no information on diamond dog excavation techniques...” She looked up at Shuck. “If you can do that then... I can forgive you.”
Shuck looks between us, letting out a sigh. “Alright, alright, I’ll take you, but don’t blame me if you don’t get the warmest of welcomes...”
“We just need to pack up.” Maud moves over to her pack and I follow. With the two of us, it doesn’t take too long to get it all squared away. “We’re ready.” She moves over to Shuck, who has been surprisingly patient with us.
“Alright then, let’s move out.” He turns, starting to walk off. “And stay close, you don’t want to get lost out here.” We fall in behind him, taking in the scenery, which is just a bunch of sand, tumbleweeds and cacti... so not the most picturesque of views.
“So... Shuckster, I’ve never met a diamond dog before.” This is technically true, I know Pinkie’s met them but I haven’t. “Though from what I’ve heard, they aren’t usually this articulate...”
Shuck lets out a growlish sigh. “Typical pony. You think those backwater hicks up north represent all of us diamond dogs.”
“Hey man, I’m not trying to offend you, I don’t know a damn thing about diamond dogs.” In my defense, the show barely touches on any of the cool stuff. It took us what, four seasons from when Gilda showed up to learn more about griffons? And the only minotaur that's shown up is Iron Will. Where do minotaurs live? What do the females look like? We need answers, Hasbro!
“Or ya know, you could ask Twi.” Pinkie speaks up. “She has to know something.”
Maybe next time I see her. I gaze around, blinking when I see a brief flicker of purple. I look again, but I can no longer see whatever it was. Weird...
“It’s probably because you were thinking about Twilight, you know like a, um... carriage!” Pinkie suggests, grinning.
The word you're looking for, Pinkie, is mirage.
She just shrugged, causing me to sigh. The things I put up with...
“We’re here.” Shuck’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I look over to see Shuck and Maud standing at a large hole in the ground. “It’s a bit of a drop but, I think you can handle it.” He jumped into the hole, followed by Maud. I trot over, looking down into said hole, gulping.
“Well... here goes nothing...”
“Whoa... this place is amazing...” I mutter out, gazing around the diamond dog den. Unlike the ones Pinkie and her friends saw before, this place is actually... really fucking nice. It’s nice and wide, there’s furniture, lights. Hell, there’s even shag carpeting!
“I take it you’re impressed?” Shuck asked with a smirk. “Unlike our cousins up north, we actually, you know, care about our living space.”
“Shuck, who are these ponies?” a strong russian accent asks, causing us to turn our heads. Standing in the entrance to a side tunnel was a tall and slender diamond dog, clearly a female diamond dog, holding some type of crossbow that reminded me of Bianca from Dragon Age.
“These two are cool, Archer,” Shuck responds before turning to us. “Maud, Floyd, this is Archer Wolf, our resident crossbow expert.
“Charmed,” she responds, looking us over. This... adventure is just going to be full of Metal Gear references, isn’t it?
“Aren’t those the best though?” Pinkie asked, holding something above my head. I glance up to see she was holding a big red exclamation point over my head. Okay, seriously Pinkie!? Where the hell did you get that?! You’re a freaking astral projection! “I’m projecting the exclamation point, duh!” My eye twitches and I just look ahead, not wanting to deal with her right now.
“Maud here wanted to learn some of our tunneling techniques,” Shuck speaks, trying to get the conversation going. “Do you know where the others are?”
“Da,” Archer nods, “Boss is out trying to talk to another pack, Fortune is out foraging, Crying is on patrol with Quiet and Sw-”
“Hi!” a changeling shouts, popping out of the ground with a manic grin.
“Ah!” I shout, jumping into the air and , rather pathetically, hide behind Maud. Maud just raises her eyebrow, looking at Shuck.
“Yeah... this is Switcharoo, he’s a little...”
“Do you like cats?!” Switcharoo asks, pulling himself out of his hole. “I love cats! They’re just so fluffy! I want to cuddle them all!”
Archer sighs, grabbing the changeling by the tail, pulling him back. “Please forgive Switch he is... not right in head.”
“I’m totally sane! I just love cats!”
“Why do you have a changeling?” I ask, peeking out from behind Maud.
“About two year ago, he fell through one of the tunnels. Said something about a failed invasion.” Shuck shrugged. “He seemed harmless, and for a hoofed being he’s surprisingly good at digging...” He shook his head. “We’re getting off topic. If you follow me, I’ll show you some of our tunnels.”
We nod, following after him, listening to Switcharoo babble on to Archer about cats. Thankfully, it doesn’t take us too much longer to get out of earshot. I hum ‘Body Movin’, grooving to the beat as Maud and Shuck talk about geology stuff.
“You know...” Shuck looks at me. “I’m glad you two showed up, actually...”
“Yeah?” I ask, tilting my head to the side. “Why’s that?”
He took on a grim expression. “You see, there's a warlord, goes by the name Adjule, trying to rally the packs up for a war.”
“...Against Equestria, right?” I ask, letting out a long sigh. Welp, now I’m really glad we left ponyville. Watch this be the plot of the second half of season 5 or something.
He nods. “Not only that but, he’s trying to resurrect the god of war, Hakkon.” My eye twitches yet again, this fucking place is giving me a facial tick, great. I mean, seriously universe? Is this your way of compensating for me? ‘Oh look, we got this guy fucking up our destiny shit. Let's throw in a bunch of stuff from things he likes to screw with him.’ Yeah, well, screw you too universe! If I had a fist I’d shake it at you! Pinkie giggles at my tirade and I just glare at her.
“It just so happens you're in luck, Shuck.” I smirk at the rhythm. “See, I happen to have quite the relationship with the princesses. I could get you a direct meeting with them!”
“Really?” He strokes his chin. “That would certainly help... but I’ll have to talk with the boss first.”
“That's fine.” I wave my hoof dismissively. “We’ll be in town for the next few days anyway so, you have time.”
Shuck nods, and we go back to the tour, with me occasionally pitching in what I knew about mining techniques, though they scoffed at the idea of the huge diamond headed drills. Last time I speak up, I tell you...
“Floyd,” AJ puts her drink down, looking from our guests to myself, “Ya’ll seriously brought diamond dogs into town?” she asks, eyeing me like I’m crazy. A day has passed, with Maud and myself exploring the town, and much to AJ’s annoyance, not getting involved with the Trouble Shoes thing. I’m sorry, there is no way I can improve on that episode, and I’d rather not, you know, ruin it. Anyway, it’s at night in the Salt Block, Appleloosa’s saloon, with Maud, AJ, Shuck, his pack leader, and myself at a table.
“Look AJ, there is no reason to be racist here.” I take a sip of my own drink, making a face. Geez Pinkie, how do you drink this stuff?
“It’s an acquired taste, like bourbon.” She licks her lips. “Drink some more!”
Ugh, no! That's terrible!
“Oh come on! I can only taste it if you drink it!”
Fine! I grumble, drinking down the rest of my cup, putting it down on the table.
“First off, ah ain’t racist.” AJ pouts. “Secondly, diamond dogs aren’t known ta ya know, actually talk to ponies.”
“I apologize for the actions of our northern brothers.” The Boss, yes it is THE Boss, just in diamond dog form, looks up from her drink, her slender form hidden under a black cloak. “They’re our version of what you would call...”
“Rednecks? Hillbillies?” I offer, signaling the waiter to get me yet another disgusting drink. I shudder, drinking it down while Pinkie smiles away.
“Both would be adequate.”
“Iffn’ that there story of yers is true, whaddya want me ta do about it?” AJ asks, watching me with a raised eyebrow. “If ya don’t like the drink Floyd, why do ya keep orderin’ it?”
“‘Cause Pinkie likes it...” I mumble, staring into the dark liquid. Pinkie, we don’t get drunk, do we?
“Nope! Most we get is a nice warm buzz!”
Good to know... remind me to abuse this later...
“Anyway.” I clear my throat. “I want you to take these to two to Twilight, I’m pretty sure she can handle it from there.”
AJ looks between Shuck and Boss before sighing. “Alright, alright, ah’ll take ya ta Ponyville but ah ain’t promisin’ nothin’.”
“Sweet! Also!” I dig into my mane, pulling out an envelope. “Here, I wrote a letter for Princess Celestia, can you give it to Twilight for me?” I slide it across the table. AJ picks it up, placing it under her hat.
“Yeah, ah can do that.”
“Alright then!” I smile, slamming my drink, shuddering at the taste. “Hey Maud!” She looks up from her drink (which is, I shit you not, literally on the rocks, like, with rocks instead of ice,) and turns to me. “Wanna have a drinking contest?”
She blinks a few times before shrugging. “Sure.”
“Yes! Next round of drinks is one me!” A cheer goes up through the crowd as Maud and I start our contest, with Pinkie cheering both of us on.
“Coming!” Twilight called as she trotted over to the doors, throwing them open. “How may I...” she paused before her smile degenerated into a frown. “Blueblood, what are you doing here?”
“Oh yes um... hello uh... Twilight.” Blueblood threw on a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his head. “I um... I-I’m looking for Pinkie Pie...”
“Why?” she asked, raising her eyebrow. “What... you don’t... you don’t have a crush on her do you?”
“Well, I um... that is to say....” the poor prince stuttered, his white muzzle suddenly a deep red.
“Sweet Celestia, you do!” Twilight burst out laughing, falling onto her side.
“Twilight?” Spike asked, peeking out of the kitchen. “Why are you laughing like a crazy mare?”
“B-blueblood has a crush on F-Floyd!” Twilight managed to get out, holding her chest, kicking her hind legs.
Spike snickered, holding back his own outburst.
“I-It’s not funny!” Blueblood fumed, glaring at them.
“I-I’m s-sorry...” Twilight cleared her throat, getting to her hooves. “I’m sorry Blueblood, but you just missed her. She left for Appleloosa a few days ago.”
“Damn...” Blueblood pouted. “Wait, Appleloosa you say? That's that frontier town right? The one that had that problem with the buffalo tribe?” He tapped his chin. “If I run back to the train station, I should be able to catch the next train down there!” He spun on his hooves, galloping back into town.
“You aren’t going to tell him about Floyd?” Spike asked as he watched Twilight shut the castle doors.
“Oh no Spike, it’s funnier not to.” Twilight snickered to herself, trotting back to her lab.
“Yeah, but funny for who?” Spike asked, waddling after her, scratching the side of his head. He just knew Floyd wasn’t going to be too happy with the purple alicorn.