The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Great and Powerful Blue Attack!

Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you.

I guess I'll consider this the opening of a new 'season'. Due to my inability to figure out every text trick on FiMFiction, I am unable to make any appropriate adjustments to very specific pieces of text fonts. I apologize in advance.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Toby Fox.
---

Story guidelines advise against dialogue-heavy chapters. They're going to have a field day with this one.

If there's one thing I hate about cartoons, it's that certain characters keep blustering on until the heat death of the universe. I mean, come on! I've got a million better things to do.

Over here we have the self-proclaimed Great and Powerful Trixie.

And over there is Papyrus, the self-proclaimed best friend skeleton in the world, but more realistically the best caps lock user.

Can these two combatants keep focused long enough to defeat one another?

Probably not. He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Trixie
-Unicorn
-Profession: Side-show magic actor
-Was once seen in four different points on the town map at once (could not be confirmed)
-Favorite spells: Fireworks, smoke bombs
-Dislikes: Wheels
-Acquitted for enslaving an entire town and its residents under an impenetrable dome

At first glance, Trixie seems like an average stage performer. She draws the crowd to watch, she really knows how to sell herself, and she has a knack for misdirection.

And that's pretty much it. She can levitate a rope like a floating boa constrictor, create small lightning clouds, and... tickle her foes into submission. Man, and I thought Harry Potter had some weird and useless charms.

There was the time where she managed to perform spells beyond any well-versed unicorns, but... that was mostly in part due to the Alicorn Amulet, an artifact that grants its wearer evil magic that overpowers their base personality.

Too bad. She had some sweet, glowing red eyes for about half an hour. But, okay. So what if she lost the amulet's abilities to inflict pain and teleport? She's still good at running away with a quick smoke bomb to cover her initial sprint. And she's got her own set of never-running-out fireworks.

There are rumors arising that her favorite foods consist of peanut butter, crackers, and pine cones. However, these have yet to be confirmed in the "A" canon Equestrian universe.

Why did you emphasize a cannon?

"A" canon refers to the show directly. "B" canon refers to the comics and movies officially endorsed by Hasbro. Anything else is non-canon for now.

I "C" canon. Heh heh.

But I digress. We should probably get back to our job.

"But... that's impossible!"

Papyrus
-Skeleton
-Younger (yet taller) brother to Sans
-Dream: Join the Royal Guard
-Favorite food: Spaghetti
-Takes bone-related insults as compliments
-Is actually pretty strong and can make SOULs feel very heavy
-Tries to be friends with everybody

A long time ago, a world was ruled by both man and monsters. However, a war broke out between the two races. Eventually, the humans won and forced the surviving monsters to retreat underground. Wizards sealed the monsters' escape with a magical barrier. No monster soul could possibly escape. However, any human could get in by way of a cave inside Mt. Ebbott.

Six unlucky bastards fell down and were killed by the monsters. Their souls were collected by the king in hopes of fulfilling a convoluted prophecy of somehow breaking the barrier and freeing the monsters from captivity. But when an alleged seventh fell down onto the conveniently safe bed of golden flowers, things were a little... different.

After exploring the ruins of old and making their way east, this human found themselves in the company of two skeleton brothers: Sans and Papyrus.

See, Sans was technically supposed to be watching for humans, but... he didn't really feel like it. But that didn't stop the enthusiasm of his fanatic younger brother, Papyrus. Now there's a skeleton that sounds like a typewriter clicking to speak.

Papyrus was working his hardest to be let into the monster king's Royal Guard, led by the legendary hero Undyne. However, even after enduring the less than comfortable night and dawn waiting at her doorstep, Undyne quietly refused to allow Papyrus in.

That isn't because he's a pushover. Quite the opposite! Papyrus can be hell and a half to those unprepared for his onslaught of seemingly limitless supply of sliding and flying bones. Heck, his "Blue Attack" makes it even harder for his foes by making them feel more susceptible to the pull of gravity, forcing newbies to run smack into his ground-bound bones.

The real reason why Undyne never let Papyrus join the Guard proper was because he tends to be compassionate to a fault. Instead of capturing the seventh human like he was supposed to, he became friends with them and even went as far as to humor them with a textbook version of a romantic date. Though, he quickly admitted that he didn't share that deep of an intimacy.

Papyrus is always prepared, wearing a few just-in-case outfits underneath his set of body armor. He also has a hidden compartment under his cranium for secret items. His bread and butter is his love of puzzles. He can't get enough brain teasers and crazy solutions to fill the day.

He may seem like a jolly skeletal system, but his sense of humor has a limit. Usually, it's in the form of Sans saying too many puns in one sitting.

This guy might hate his own smile, but he'll never stop being a "cool dude".

"I'LL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING!"

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

There is a sound of boots crunching the snow along the path. A red scarf flaps in the winds. The camera focuses briefly upon a unique pattern of black shapes against a white body. A jaw filled with white enamels slowly moves up and down as the figure progresses into this artificially crafted arena.

"HMM?"

He pauses, catching the sight of something ahead. Oh my gosh, it's a giant rock! He can't believe what he's seeing. It's a rock and it's giant! But what's that standing in front of the giant rock?

The living figure turns around. A purple hat with stars and moon patterns hides the face of the blue pony wearing it. A cape with the same patterns flaps in the wind behind her back.

"WHY HELLO THERE, LITTLE BLUE HORSE!" greets the skeleton with a smile. "WOULD YOU LIKE A FRIEND? BECAUSE I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS WOULD BE HAPPY TO OBLIGE!"

"FIGHT!"

A dark cloud suddenly forms low in the sky. With a crash, it unleashes a small jolt of lightning against Papyrus. He shakes in place due to the shock. Though, it's quickly over and seems to have left immaterial damage.

"OH HO! YOU'RE SERIOUS ARE YOU? VERY WELL! GET A LOAD OF THIS!"

Papyrus points a gloved hand in the direction of the opponent. Three bones pop out of the snow and slide forward. In response to the skeleton's attack, Trixie takes a couple steps to the left. The second bone changes its course to meet the blue pony. She counters by taking two steps to the right. After that, she takes two more steps to the left to avoid the third bone.

"AH HA! CLEARLY YOU MUST BE CLEVER ENOUGH TO BE THE GREAT PAPYRUS' RIVAL!"

The skeleton taps his foot as he waits for his opponent to take their action. For obvious reasons, Trixie chooses to keep fighting and wills her rope to slip around the field. The rope wiggles around before wrapping around an arm bone and then pulling snugly. The bone pops off easily.

"NYEH HEH HEH?"

Papyrus summons a few more bones from the ground. He grabs one of them that looks conveniently arm-shaped and attaches it to the place that was just bare. It even has a mitt cozily worn over the phalanges. The rest of his conjured bones slowly advance upon the pony's position.

Trixie smirks from under her hat. She levitates her rope back around the bones, making it slither back and forth. With a quick yank, it sends all of the incoming bones to the left and right, causing them to miss her entirely.

"ALRIGHT! I'VE LET THIS GO ON FOR LONG ENOUGH! IT'S TIME TO BRING OUT... MY BLUE ATTACK."

A bunch more bones appear out of absolutely nowhere and appear cyan. They rush toward Trixie, some of them too big around to casually dodge or displace. The pony braces herself for the inevitable impact. Yet, even the largest cyan bone seems to phase right through her, like a ghost.

All of a sudden, it looks like Trixie's hide color spreads to her outfit as well. She falls onto her stomach just in time for a small, white bone to whack her in the muzzle.

"NYEH HEH HEH! YOU'RE BLUE NOW!"

Pushing with all her might, Trixie manages to stand back up. But, she's a bit shaky on her legs. Whatever turned her clothes blue also seems to be trying to push her against the ground. She unleashes some of her magic into a flurry of fireworks that explode all around the skeleton.

"NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY SPECIAL ATTACK... IS WHAT I WOULD'VE SAID, IF I STILL HAD IT." Papyrus shrugs. "BUT SINCE SOME STUPID DOG WON'T GIVE IT BACK, YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A 'normal' ATTACK."

Several bones of all sizes start skating around the snow around Trixie. She finds that she can still jump a little bit to avoid some of the incoming projectiles. The patterns that the bones follow are a bit haphazard, ranging from the slicing of a circle of snow like a pizza, to actually riding skateboards to somehow reach their intended target. There are even some bones intricately placed together to spell out words.

The 'normal' attack leaves both Papyrus and his opponent gasping for breath. He even holds up a gloved finger to allow the passage of a minute with nothing happening.

"IT... SEEMS... THAT VICTORY... IS NO CLOSER FOR ME... THAN IT IS... FOR YOU." His nonexistent lungs rise and collapse. "HOW ABOUT... WE CALL... A TRUCE? I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL SPARE YOU, HORSEY."

The skeleton smiles sheepishly. Suddenly, the storm cloud from earlier strikes down in a slicing motion, dislodging his skull from the rest of his body. As soon as his jaw makes contact with the snow, his body seems to evaporate into ashes.

"WELL... THAT'S NOT... WHAT I WAS... EXPECTING."

The head falls apart into a cloud of dust. An upside-down valentine hangs in the air, shaking around a lot. After a couple of seconds, the 'soul' breaks down the middle. It then proceeds to follow the rest of the body's example and turns to dust.

There appears to be a singular fang in the pony's smile. She laughs with a voice that only Mrs. DeLancie could love.

Wait a minute, that's not right.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure all of our data was actually pointing in favor of Papyrus.

What's going on?

...

"The anomaly is here."

Hey! Where are you going?

"I'm taking a shortcut."

The fights shall continue without waiting for the analysis.

Two fighters!

All action!

No research!

Lightning Round!

Start the clock and... Go!

The arena has changed to a rather long hallway. It's lined with stained glass windows. Some of which appear to have a simple orange color through the whole thing. Others look like various point in Equestria's history. The pony wanders through for several feet. There's an eerie silence as even the hoof steps make no sound.

Finally, a short figure in a bluish jacket appears. He has his hands in his pockets. Small white dots are all that can be seen in his eye sockets.

"I've got a question for you. With all that power, don't you think you should take some responsibility?"

The pony remains silent and adjusts their hat.

"Alright, fine. In that case, let's try a different angle."

The lights turn off for a split-second. When they come back on, the white dots have disappeared from the figure's eye sockets.

"Do you want to have a bad time?"

He closes his eyes. His constant smile betrays no hint of his actual emotions. The supposed Trixie takes off their cap and reveals two horns. 'She' opens two mismatched yellow eyes with red dots on them. They also remove their cape as their body seems to elongate into a more grotesque form.

"To think... it was going to be such a beautiful day," comments the big-boned skeleton. "I was going to listen to the birds sing, watch the flowers bloom, and feel the sun on my face. But for some reason, I don't feel like I can enjoy any of that..."

The lights flash again. He opens his empty eye sockets.

"~'Cause all I want to do
Is see you fall into
The pits of Hell (the pits of Hell)
All I want to be
Is the Sans who gets to see
You burning in Hell~"

The entire arena turns into shapes of black and white. Even the draconequus's vibrant colors don't seem to survive the change to a new lack of color scheme.

The sins are crawling.

Throw down!

Sans eye glows an agitated blue. The draconequus gets pulled by his midsection to the floor... only to get launched up by twenty or so bones rising out of the ground instantly. Several bone stalactites and stalagmites race through the room toward and around the enemy. Discord's head gets bumped by each and every one.

In the next moment, several beast skulls float in the air. Their mouths open to release giant lasers in several patterns. Discord shakes himself awake and twists around to avoid the worst of the blasts. However, the biggest horizontal laser still nicks his foot, causing a steady drain of some of his health.

"Huh. So that's what my strongest attack does against a larger target."

Discord snaps his claw three times. At his beck and call, three buffaloes in ballet outfits come out of thin air and launch dancing kicks against the skeleton. But, he seems to glitch out of reality briefly, allowing none of the kicks to connect. After that attempt, the buffalo tiptoe out of the scene.

Sans shrugs. "What? You think I'm just going to stand there and take your bull-et?"

The skeleton's next attack conjures two columns of horizontal bones. The left column elevates. The right column descends. Discord rolls himself into a ball and spins around in a circular motion to avoid getting hit. He can't help but feel like he's going to have a period of unpleasantness.

Still, giving up would be predictable, and that's not what the draconequus has come to be known for. Discord uncurls and folds a bunch of new sheets of paper into shuriken and launches them all down. They actually sound like they're reaching lethal RPM. Sans takes a few steps backward out of sight and ends up standing a few feet behind Discord's position.

"Fancy yourself a shooting star? So did my brother... until you killed him."

The beastly "Gaster Blasters" appear again, taking potshots across the map. Discord teleports around as quickly as possible. But every time he reappears, a laser grazes one of his body parts. The invincibility frames are nonexistent, torturing the draconequus with slowly depleting health. He tries to clap his front limbs around the short skeleton, but Sans is already standing against one of the hall's pillars.

"I've seen the reports, Mr. Lord of chaos and disharmony. You're not going to be satisfied with a single disruption. You'll keep going. Just because you 'can', you 'have to'. It won't be out of any motive to be good or evil."

A barrage of white bones race toward Discord. He snaps the fur on his tail multiple times. A few of the bones transform into random objects like lamps, wheels, and even a turkey. But more come along the way and slam into his midsection. The moving force causes him to take even more pain from the incoming cyan bones.

With a snarl, Discord pulls out an empty gun. He crams a few of the bones into the barrel before shooting them back to sender. Sans glitches out to the left, right, up, and down to make the attacks miss.

"If you keep this up, it'll all disappear. Everything."

Sans holds out his hand and snaps. His eye flashes blue. Discord is covered in a similar blue color. With a wave of an arm, the skeleton flings his enemy against the walls, the floor, the ceiling, and through the workings of a bone labyrinth.

After what seems like an endless penultimate attack, Sans arm starts slowing down. He slams his foe against the walls and the ceiling a few more times. Until finally, he lets gravity take the draconequus to the floor at a leisurely pace. He's huffing and sweating as he stands there.

Discord snaps his fingers, telling some of the leftover bones to slam down and cage their master. He chuckles for a bit.

"You should've waited for me to fall asleep like all of the Let's Players."

The draconequus gasps. From behind, Sans snaps an entire boney torture coffin around the enemy. A white, toothy smile signals the end of the required job.

Game Over

"Goooattttttt dunked on!"

This Lightning Round's winner is... Sans!
---