//------------------------------// // Chapter the Ninth: Spike vs. the Flying Saucer // Story: A Homeric Epic in Equestria // by KingHonorius12 //------------------------------// Spike kicked his feet impatiently under the table as he waited for the train to arrive at the station. He’d rather be at home. He’d rather be at home reading a comic. He’d rather be at home munching on gems and reading a comic. All-in-all, he’d rather be lying in bed, munching on rubies, and reading his new Masked Mare issue in which the cover’s speech bubbles indicate that the insane Dr. Atrocity has gained influence over the mind of Marewolf and is using her to… “AUGH!” Spike groaned in frustration. “The train from Canterlot was due three hours ago! What’s taking them?!” “Ah, come on, kid,” said Clean Sweep, a custodian of the station. “Like my daddy used to tell me, each minute a train’s late, another friend’s bound to disembark.” “Really?” Spike replied dryly. “Did you believe him?” “Once. He was quite the optimist.” Clean Sweep finished Spike’s spot, and whistled on his way over to some chatty young mares. As if on cue, a different whistle heralded some steam rising over the horizon. “Finally!” Spike had been eagerly awaiting his chance to finally see the alien that Twilight was keeping secret for what she had cutely referred to in conversations with him as “Canterlot reasons.” “Oh, geez! I forgot to make a list of questions to ask!” As his mind raced to think of famous historical ponies that could have been visitors, the train slowed towards the platform. A burst of steam obscured the doors as they opened. From the shadows lurched a terrible bug-eyed beast. It looked like a green one-eyed octopus. Spike eeped as it was joined by a twin. It then cleared its throat. “Greetings!” said one of the creatures. “I am Commander Kang, of the planet Rigel-Seven. This is my Sub Commander, Kodos.” “In accordance with protocol, you shall call me ‘Madam’ unless I am within or beneath a body of liquid of considerable size,” said Kodos. Spike was paralyzed in a state of horrified awe. They were more disgusting than the Groobians. [Featured in "Incredible Tales of the Young Power Ponies," last month’s ish] “Do you come in… peace?” said Spike, trying and failing to sound calm. “Hmm… our race has not considered making peace with natives immediately after meeting them before,” Kang pondered. “Our standard procedure is to migrate to the planet, wage war, and spread our religion to the survivors, with varying degrees of success.” “That’ll never work!” said Spike fearfully. “We have magic… and princesses too!” The aliens turned to each other and began murmuring. Then Kang spoke. “We shall try to exercise caution, but on our planet those are resources with little strategic value.” Spike couldn’t believe his ears. Who aside from mighty villains and immature dragons would scoff at the magic of Pony Princesses? “Wait,” said Kodos. “Your scales reflect light in a most peculiar manner. You do not look like the other natives. What are you?” Then Spike remembered just what he was, and it gave him confidence, which he had been lacking up to this point in case you hadn’t noticed. “Oh, ME? Just your everyday average FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON!” Kang and Kodos gasped and began muttering to themselves even more heatedly. “We have only before heard legends of creatures that can breathe fire!” Kodos said excitedly. “However, as scientifically-advanced beings, we do not believe in legends,” said Kang. “Then perhaps you need a demonstration!” Spike took a deep breath, and delivered, what was for him, a pretty impressive fireball. “The legends were true!” shouted Kang. “Oh that? I’ve done bigger.” “Serak! Extract us!” “What?” A mysterious light bathed them in low gravity, lifting them of the ground. The aliens, used to this, remained silent. Spike, a first-timer, flailed helplessly as he screamed. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Somepony help!” “Farewell, friend!” said Clean Sweep. “Those effects were so fake,” said one of the chatty mares. “That is like, my exact thoughts,” agreed the other. The saucer zoomed away into the cosmos, just as Spike was coming to his senses. He looked out a large window. For a moment, his fear was suspended by sheer awe. “Wow, I guess this makes me the first non-royal Equestrian in space!” “CORRECTION, SPOCKY-WOCKY… YOU AM… BEEP… BOOP… SECOND.” Spike screamed in terror as he found himself face-to-face with a young unicorn’s legs and disfigured head attached to a stove. “Behold,” said Kang. “A stove made out of an intelligent lifeform.” “It also doubles as a lifeform,” added Kodos. “Rarity!" Spike turned to the aliens. "What have you done to her?” “Close-minded beast,” said Serak the Preparer, “we have made her into a superior being! Admittedly, we do not consider unicorn stoves to be very logistical or effective, but by removing her brain, she has slipped the bonds of her fleshly avatar and gained a commission as our superior officer.” “Behold…” said Kang, “Captain Rarity of Rigel-Seven!” A chair in the middle of the room turned around, revealing Captain Rarity in all of her lobey-ness. The brain squelched as the aliens began laughing. “No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Spike jerked awake in a cold sweat. “NO! N… oh. It was all just a dream.” There was a knock at the door. “Coming!” He opened the door to welcome in Ponyville’s resident Herbalist Zebra. “Hi, Zecora!” “Did I awake you, young dragon?” asked Zecora apologetically. “I was just returning this empty potion flagon.” She took the large ornate container out of her knapsack . “Oh, thanks! Let me put that away!” As he reached for the flagon, Zecora recoiled. “What’s wrong, Zecora? I won’t drop it.” Zecora gave Spike an awkward look closest in semblance to pity. “The train arrived at half past eight. It is now almost noon…” Spike zipped past her before she could finish. *sigh* “You’re late.” Meanwhile, at the platform, Rarity was making some important vows. “Oh, never again! I wasn’t just rude, I was barbarous! If I lay horn or hoof on Homer again, I’ll burn one of my dresses; and not just one of my gaudy embarrassments, I mean one of my masterworks!” “How do you paint with hooves?” asked Homer. “We paint with our mouths and sometimes magic, but Rarity makes...” explained Twilight. “Why don't you just use your hands?" "WE DON'T HAVE..." “Sorry I’m late!" *HUFF* "I overslept!" *HUFF* "Can I carry your things Captain Rarity?” … “I always thought I would be the first of us to be addressed by rank,” said Rainbow Dash. “No, it was the aliens in my dream that made her brain a captain! I mean… aliens… they were green, not yellow…” Homer leaned into Twilight’s ear. “Your baby sister is WEIRD,” he whispered loudly.