The Narrator Hears Twilight
Admiral Biscuit
It was a dark and stormy night. All throughout Ponyville, the weather pegasi were working their tails off to keep the rogue storm from tearing any more roofs off, but it was already a losing battle. The creek that ran through town was foaming at its banks, an angry undulating—
“Rise and shine, Spike! We need to get in town in plenty of time to start Winter Wrap-Up.”
—um, uncontrollable force of nature. Several strong earth ponies, dressed in rain slickers, were hefting sandbags up in the low spots. Big Mac watched in horror as the frothing current devoured a swath of the town park. A bench grimly held on briefly, before it, too, was engulfed in the unstoppable tide.
“I did let you sleep in. It's four a.m., and I'm already dressed in my scarf, hat, and boots.”
He grunted and doubled down his efforts, bucking bales with twice the ferocity that he—
“Fine, I'll just leave you wrapped in the blanket. Up you go.”
—that he . . . dammit. Twice the ferocity of before. But it was all for naught; the—
“Let's see. Checklist. Check. Checklist checklist. Check again. Everypony has been assigned, with alternates for sick ponies . . . or malingerers.”
Dammit, Twilight. Stop talking. You're kind of ruining the mood.
“I bet Thunderlane will come down with 'Feather Flu' again.”
I can hear you muttering, you know.
“And his special somepony—ponies. How come he gets two sexy someponies and I don't get squat?”
Did you say that out loud? Spike's on your back, you know. And green isn't your color. Get it? I made a joke there.
“What's that Spike? Did you say something?”
So you can hear me. Well, hear this: shut up! I'm trying to tell a story.
“Hm, must be hearing things. Good morning, Mayor! I have the assignments right here. Went over them with the team leaders last week, and we did a dry run two days ago.
“Yes, on the second scroll. Applejack said that might be a problem.
“Really, only fifteen? I thought—
“No, we'll just reassign Caramel.”
I can't hear what anypony else says. Argh.
“I guess we'll just wait for everypony to show up.”
A moment of silence! All right. Where was I? Oh right the park flooded and despite their best efforts the sandbags weren't enough and then the whole town flooded and ponies were stuck on the second floors of their houses and the first day it was really miserable but then they kind of turned it into a party and pegasi ferried food and stuff from house to house, including one particular house where a certain seafoam green unicorn and an ivory earth pony mare were trapped together. Huddled together, for warmth because it was really cold with all the water and kind of scary so maybe they were huddled together in fright but that's how love blossoms and
“That's dumb.”
Well you try writing a shipfic, Miss Purple Smart. Didn't I hear you say earlier you couldn't get any?
Yeah, that's right. You've got nothing.
You know what? I'm going to make this into a clopfic. Just to spite you. Ah . . . right. That's how love blossoms, and soon the two of them were snogging, their lips locked like a pair of remoras who had accidentally found each other. It was really romantic, despite that awful simile. When they broke apart, Lyra turned to Bon Bon—
“And then she said, 'I'd rather gnaw my own hoof off.'”
Dammit, Twilight. Way to ruin the mood.
“Who's that over there?” If the mayor moves a little, I can see—yes!
Whoa. Now I'm getting thoughts too? Twilight! You dirty little mare! What are you. . . .
. . . That's what that means? I did not need to know that. I need some brain bleach, stat!
Dammit Twilight, don't . . . Twilight . . . Twilight, no! Don't . . . oh, God, I'm scarred for life. Why would you—Spike is still on your back, isn't he? Think of the children, Twilight. Think of the children!
“Don't worry, he's a very heavy sleeper.”
That doesn't make it better, Twilight. THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER.