Home is Where Your Curse is

by SFaccountant


Catching Up

Home is Where Your Curse is
a My Little Pony/Ranma 0.5 crossover fanfiction
by SFaccountant


Chapter 5
Catching Up


"Now hold still. Knife tricks aren't exactly Trixie's specialty."
Ranma sat on his haunches, his every muscle locked tight as a small carving knife floated up under his jaw and grazed his cheek.
Trixie wet her lips as she focused her telekinesis, drawing the blade slowly across the length of Ranma's muzzle. Her horn pulsed gently with a trembling aura of pink, and after a few seconds half of Ranma's Confucian mustache dropped onto the dirt.
"Got it. Now the other side," the magician commanded. Ranma swiveled his head around, and then Trixie carefully repeated the process to finish shaving off the stallion's magical facial hair. "And... done." She pulled the knife away and levitated it back into her bags. "Strange that the mustache seems to be permanent. Usually that spell wears off in a few minutes, and never lasts more than an hour."
"Yeah, this magic allergy thing is weird like that," Ranma shrugged, "I hope that dove I spat up is permanent too, because if that magic effect wears off it's going to be gross."
"Trixie is sure you'd make a fascinating test study in a magic lab, somewhere," she said wryly, "maybe Trixie should return you to Twilight Sparkle after all."


The two travelers were resting at the side of the road, Trixie's wagon parked behind them. Ranma had already towed them far from the town they had been fleeing, and the scattered forest had given way to sunny plains and rolling hills.
Trixie levitated a grain sack from her cart, floating it to her and then dropping it between her front hooves. With a light tug she loosened the drawstring keeping the sack closed, and then took a mouthful of oats.
A ferocious rumbling noise came from next to her as she ate. If Trixie hadn't been expecting it to some degree, she might well have guessed that bears were attacking her temporary camp. The unicorn turned a non-plussed stare over at Ranma, who was staring at her with big, round eyes and perked ears. His tail was wagging too, which wasn't even a proper equine reaction.
"Trixie is suddenly reminded of a certain promise you made yesterday," she began, "something about Trixie not having to spend a single bit more on you? Trixie believes you swore on your honor as a martial artist. Whatever THAT'S worth."
Ranma's ears flipped down, and a strangled whimper came from his throat. Trixie was honestly impressed as to how perfectly the noise imitated a sad puppy whine.
Then the magician sighed. "On the other hoof, the promise also involved us going our separate ways, and circumstances beyond... well, MOSTLY beyond your control have transpired such that we left together."
"Also, I rescued you from bandits," Ranma interjected quickly.
"PLEASE. Trixie rescued herself. You just helped," Trixie sniffed, "but still, it certainly was above and beyond the call of duty for a pushy wagon sentry." She removed a bowl from her things and scooped up a serving of oats for herself. Then she pushed the bag toward her tag-along. "Here."
"You are THE BEST," Ranma said tearfully as he bowed his head.
"Of course Trixie is," the magician agreed.
Ranma set into the bag ravenously, while Trixie ate her own meal at a less frantic pace. Within minutes both of them were finished. Or rather, Trixie was finished, while Ranma had his head stuck deep in the grain sack trying to eat every last crumb of food left.
"Back on the topic of parting ways," Trixie said as she dabbed at her muzzle with a cloth, "when and where are you going, anyway? Trixie isn't interested in hiring a full-time wagon colt."
Ranma finally pulled his face out of the burlap back, licking his lips. "Well, the thing is... I'm looking to track down those unicorns and force them to change me back into a human. But I have no idea where to start. Should I just start asking around towns at random?"
"You may not have any better options. Trixie has never heard of the ponies that you're after, so they can't be THAT important," the unicorn mused, "there are ponies called scryers that specialize in finding certain ponies using magic, but at the very minimum you'd have to have a strong connection to the pony you were looking for."
"Does slow-burning hatred count as a strong connection?"
"Thankfully no, or else their business would be even sketchier than it already is," Trixie said blithely, "usually it would be a familial connection, or that of a lover. For ponies that are looking for somepony less intimate, the scryer would need a physical focus like a strand of hair or a prized possession from the pony being sought. For example, that magic ring that belonged to what's-her-face from Hoofington would be an excellent tool for tracking her down, were Trixie ever to become deranged enough to want to see her again."
Ranma groaned and slumped onto the ground. "Well, shoot. Then I don't have any leads now that I have the magic rock that they want. All I can do is search every town I find, I guess." He frowned. "Hopefully I can look around the next one without any explosions. I had to leave Ponyville and Hoofington too quickly to do any searching."
"There's always hope," Trixie drawled, "anyway, Saddlebrook is just a day away, at your pace. Trixie will share her camp for tonight, and then do her best to ditch you there."
"That's fine," the martial artist mumbled, "I guess I'll try to find some work in town when we get there. It WOULD be nice not to have to go through the begging routine every time I want to eat."
"Trixie enthusiastically approves of your pitiful ambition to advance from a homeless, vagrant panhandler to a homeless, vagrant laborer," the unicorn remarked dryly, "some ponies possessed of superequine strength, speed, durability, and a host of exotic alien knowledge and power would aspire to greater things than simply feeding themselves, but it's nice to know you're keeping your goals attainable."
Ranma stuck his tongue out at Trixie before lying down on the grass. "Whatever, Trix. I'm gonna get a nap in and then we'll start out again at higher speed. I want to get to the next town as soon as possible."
"To get a head start on your new career of begging for odd jobs rather than food scraps?"
"To start poking around for those unicorns," the martial artist retorted, "I have to get started on this if I ever want to find them. I don't think they're going to come to me anytime soon."


"Mister Rite! Are you almost done in here? I'm all ready to track down and confront the stallion who's foiled our dastardly plans!"
Swan Song trotted through the dimly-lit halls of Rite's tower, approaching a set of double-doors leading to the center of the structure. A series of bright lights of various colors flashed from underneath the barrier, indicating that her superior was in the midst of some manner of spellcasting project.
She knocked politely on the heavy door, hearing some muffled chanting coming from within. When there were no objections to her interruption, Swan used her magic to drag the door open.
Rite was in the middle of the room, and a large crystal spire almost as big as him rotated next to him above the floor. Glowing lines curling into arcane glyphs covered the floor in a complex and intricate series of magic circles that stretched almost to the walls. Swan Song couldn't even begin to decipher the circle or its purpose; while she would be considered a genius among geniuses by many military wizards for her mastery of combat spells, she'd never quite had the attention span and knack for detail that allowed a unicorn to work with the more esoteric forms of magic.
Rite, on the other hand, specialized in complex, long-term, and large-scale enchantments. Not because such things were his special talent, or that he was generally gifted in them, but because he had MADE them his specialization. Nearly two decades of intense study and exhaustive training had made him the equal and better of many unicorns who claimed these sorts of rituals as their preternatural specialty. It was a labor borne of purpose; a purpose that had driven the red sorcerer for half his life.
Rite was a pony who intended to defeat destiny.
"You'll have to excuse me, Swan Song. This will take a little while longer," the stallion said. The spire slowed to a stop, and then started rotating the opposite way. A new glyph started to appear on the edge of an inner circle, its lines crawling across the stone. The pace was almost glacial; any pony could have drawn the symbol by pen in two or three seconds, but to draw it through its link to the arcane nexus took far longer. Swan shuddered to think about the sort of concentration and time it had taken to create the magic circle so far.
"So, what is this, exactly?" the mare asked, tilting her head to the side.
"It's a considerable reinforcement of the anti-scrying enchantments that were already in place upon the tower," Rite explained as the glyph was finally finished, "in preparation for us to re-take the MacGuffin Stone."
Swan brightened. "So we'll be able to use it without being hunted down by Princess Luna and the stud monkey?"
"Yes. Well, kind of..." Rite wet his lips as he began the next glyph. "While I'm confident this construct will be able to foil the MacGuffin Stone's bizarre and rather contrived efforts to attract those who have been affected by it, it is, obviously, quite immobile. I couldn't think of any mechanism that would work that we could easily carry with us when we're out and about. So the MacGuffin Stone will be safe from prying Princesses and meddlesome monkeys... so long as it's here, in the tower."
"Ah. And it's not going to be all that useful sitting here in the vault, is it?" Swan asked.
"Well, maybe. But we won't be able to accomplish our objective without taking it out into the field at some point, and when we do, we will be vulnerable," Rite said solemnly, "of course, this is all contingent on us recovering the MacGuffin Stone in the first place."
"Yeah, do we have a plan for that?" Swan asked, sitting down at the edge of the magic circle. "Because I don't think that rushing the ape horns blazing will do the trick."
"You are correct. In fact, it was quite inadvisable to have done that to begin with," Rite grunted, finishing another glyph and then moving on to the next. "It occurs to me, after having failed in our capture of Princess Luna and outed ourselves to Equestria, that we don't really need additional enemies at this point. Furthermore, as a mutant ape that seems to have come out of the MacGuffin Stone itself for some reason, I'm fairly certain this creature has no particular stake in our nation or inherent opposition to our plans."
Swan placed a hoof to her chin and arched an eyebrow. "Go on..."
"I intend to negotiate with him. The MacGuffin Stone is probably useless to him anyway, since he's not a unicorn. If we can settle the bad blood between us, then we'll get the MacGuffin Stone back and remove another potential competitor and obstacle in our efforts to rehabilitate this world." Rite explained.
"Ooh! That IS a good idea!" Swan beamed. "Also, that will make it WAY less awkward if he and I start dating!"
Rite halted in his inscribing of the next magic glyph. After a few seconds, the glow from the crystal nexus diminished somewhat and it lowered itself to the floor.
"Swan Song," the stallion began hesitantly, turning to face the intern sorceress, "I make every effort to keep our relationship... professional. It is not my place, or in my interest, to interfere with your personal life."
"True! Although this sounds a lot like a brief prelude in preparation to do exactly that!" she observed.
"Ah... yes. Well... I have to question your curious and persisting attraction to a magically shapeshifted primate that has twice assaulted us," Rite finished, looking quite uncomfortable.
Swan shook her head. "No, he twice assaulted YOU. He hasn't hurt me at all!"
"A cruel irony, considering that your polymorph spell seems to be the root of his antagonism toward us," Rite retorted, "really, his only interest regarding us should be beating a reversal enchantment out of you."
"I know! But he didn't!" Swan sighed dreamily. "What a gentlecolt!"
"... Right..." the stallion coughed. "Anyway, I find your attraction to the creature somewhat unsettling, not least because his resemblance to our species is a magical effect that you yourself inflicted upon him. Secondary to that is the fact that... well... every time you've met him he's been hostile and violent. It concerns me that these are the conditions under which you've developed an infatuation."
The emerald-colored unicorn stared blankly at her mentor for several seconds before she replied. "... Is this some sort of stallion social dynamic, where a younger, beefier pony starts moving in on the mares you're close to and you feel you have to assert control of your herd? I think I've read about this."
"... And now you've made it sufficiently awkward that I wish to cease discussion of this topic," Rite said curtly, turning back to the nexus, "finishing this will take the rest of the day. Tomorrow morning we shall set out to recover the MacGuffin Stone and bring our plans back on-track." The crystal spire started to float off the floor again.
"Wait, Mister Rite, we should talk about this," Swan said, looking worried, "I mean, it's not like I don't understand; working around a hot young mare who constantly defers to you must be hard while constantly staying at leg's length and suppressing your natural urges. If you-"
"SETHYR GOLLUH VELLUN!" Rite shouted, chanting much louder than necessary as he drew the next glyph. "I'm doing magic now! Can't talk anymore! Very busy! TELLUIN VENNIK KRUUL!"
"Not to mention that you're seriously sexually repressed!" Swan raised her voice appropriately to speak over the stallion's shouting. "You're what, forty-five? Forty-six? Older? And still a virgin? Can you even get-"
"GET OUT OF MY LAB BEFORE I BLUDGEON YOU WITH THE BUCKING CRYSTAL!!"


Twilight Sparkle waved as she spotted Rainbow Dash curving through the air overhead, and she flapped her wings harder to raise altitude and intercept her friend.
"Rainbow Dash! Did you finish already? That was fast!" said the pony Princess.
"Of course it was! I can search a pattern like you gave me in ten seconds flat!" Rainbow boasted as she casually flew an orbit around the other mare. "Not that it makes a difference, though. I got nothing."
Twilight clicked her tongue, and then glanced down at the spread of forest and plains below. "This is our third day of searching! He couldn't have just vanished into nowhere!"
"Why not? Didn't he just appear out of nowhere?" Rainbow asked as she finally settled into a hover. "Between me, you, and Fluttershy's army of animals, I'm pretty sure we've covered everywhere. He's gone, Twi."
"But HOW?" Twilight asked, pressing her hooves to the sides of her head. "He couldn't have been launched THAT far! And at the altitude he fell from, there's no way he could simply get up and walk off!" She shook her head. "And as much as I hate to consider it at all, it's even less likely that he was killed on impact! Fluttershy's had all the scavengers in the area on the lookout for a body, but she hasn't come up with anything! Even if we completely missed him, the local crows wouldn't!"
Rainbow just shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, Twi. One way or another, he's gone."
The purple pony groaned. "I wish I could get Applejack and Pinkie Pie to take some time off to help with a ground search. There has to be a landing site..."
Rainbow Dash started flying back to Ponyville, gesturing for Twilight to follow. "Well, everypony's pretty busy, you know. AJ has to fix her farm up, and there was a lot of damage in town..." The pegasus briefly glanced over to a particular foundation in the middle of town, with wooden beams holding together a fragile skeleton of a building. The new library was still in the earliest stages of construction, but Ponyville's builders were giving it top priority in order to restore Twilight's home.
Twilight and Rainbow started heading back toward town, although the former was clearly still disturbed. "I just don't know how everypony is so CALM about this!"
"What, about monsters showing up and causing a ruckus? It's not exactly rare," Rainbow pointed out.
"No, I mean about Saotome!" Twilight stressed. "A pony shows up that can duel with dragons, create tornadoes, and EXPLODES when exposed to harmless magic effects, and everypony just shrugs it off!"
"Well, ponies with weird or impressive skills aren't exactly rare in Ponyville either," Rainbow Dash smirked as she did a mid-air twist, "I mean, I can create tornadoes too! It's not that hard."
"Dash, the cyclones you can make on your own are several degrees of magnitude weaker than what we saw in the acres. That was at least an F3-scale funnel," Twilight explained.
"Yeah, well, I'm sure I could do it if I really tried. I've spent most of my life trying to PREVENT destructive weather, not cause it," Rainbow pointed out.
"Also - and I really can't stress this point enough - he was an EARTH PONY. They're not exactly known for mastery of the wind."
"Didn't you say he was, like, part pegasus or something?"
"He TURNS INTO a pegasus, apparently. Which is ANOTHER thing that I'd really, REALLY like to study further! But nopony cares! Nopony at all would have been searching for him if I hadn't asked you and Fluttershy to help me look!" Twilight clenched her teeth in frustration as she and Rainbow swooped down on Sweet Apple Acres. "When did we become so jaded that a mysterious pony filled with unknown magic - who claims, by the way, to be an alien creature delivered to this world by ACCIDENT - can show up, get chased across the edge of town by a draconic monster and leave a swathe of destruction that includes an incinerated library, a hundred crushed apple trees, a demolished barn, and a localized natural disaster, only for us all to just shrug our shoulders and go back to business as usual the very next day?"
Rainbow considered the question as Twilight fumed. "... Probably when Discord, ancient tyrant, spirit of chaos, and enemy of all of Equestria made friends with Fluttershy and starting hanging around the edge of town."
"... Ponyfeathers," Twilight spat as she failed to think of any retort. Then she banked and started moving in to land in front of the farmstead. "Well, in any case, thank you for helping, Rainbow Dash. Sorry to waste your time."
"Pshaw, think nothing of it," Rainbow smirked and then rolled away, declining to land with her purple friend, "catch you later, Twi!"


Twilight made her landing outside the farmstead in the middle of Applejack's farm, casting a glance over at the skeletal frame of the Apples' barn. Like her library, it was being rebuilt from the foundation. Unlike her library, which was being replaced at the expense of the town's finances and labor, the barn was being constructed almost entirely by Big Macintosh alone. Twilight felt guilty about that, especially as Applejack had been so quick to invite her and Spike to live with them until the new library was complete, but the Apples paid the matter no mind.
Besides, considering the frequency which the barn is destroyed, this is practically a monthly project for them. Huh. I guess these circumstances really AREN'T so extraordinary.
Twilight started heading toward the front door, only to see Applejack emerge first and approach her with a hurried gait and an anxious expression.
"Twi! Good timin'!" the farmer said as she slid to a halt. "We gotta bit of a sitcha'ashun. A couple o'guests are here."
Twilight blinked. "Do you need me and Spike to move out, then? I'm sure we can find someplace else to stay until the library is rebuilt."
"Nah, nothin' like that. They ain't those kinda guests." Applejack jerked her head toward the window, and Twilight peered inside the house. She couldn't see anypony directly, but she COULD see a wave of striped, pastel-colored mane that seemed to be floating in an ethereal breeze.
"Princess Celestia?! What is she doing here?" Twilight jumped on the spot, her mind already churning with possibilities. "Is she here about Saotome Ranma? But I didn't tell her anything about him! Should I have told her?! How did she-"
"TWI. COOL IT," Applejack interrupted, slapping a hoof onto the alicorn's shoulder. Even though Twilight was a Princess herself, she still tended to get incredibly worked up about Celestia's presence. "Far as Ah can tell, they ain't mad or nothin', so Ah don't think yer in trouble. 'Sides, you ain't done nothin' to be in trouble over, anyway."
"I accidentally blew up a pony and demolished the home that I had been given upon moving into Ponyville," Twilight reminded the farmer.
"Yeah, but both those things worked themselves out, more'r less. Pretty sure the Princesses ain't here to lecture ya about nothin'."
Twilight suddenly realized that Applejack had been referring to Princesses, in the sense of there being more than one. That didn't make her any less nervous, but it did leave her intrigued; Celestia suddenly meeting with her with no notice was rare, but it was even rarer for her to bring along more of the royal family.
Steeling herself, Twilight nodded and trotted into the farmstead. Applejack followed closely, trying to contain her own worried expression.


Sure enough, waiting inside the living room of the Apple home were Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, both of them seated around a coffee table and sipping apple tea and eating apple crumbles as they waited. Spike was standing by with a tea pot and wearing an apron, although the young dragon didn't look nearly as worried or excited as everypony else.
"Ah, Twilight. It's good to see you again," Princess Celestia said regally, inclining her head. Luna had her mouth full of crumble at the time, so she simply nodded her greeting as Twilight approached and sat down. "I apologize for the lack of notice to our arrival."
"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, hello! I wasn't expecting a visit!" Twilight felt somewhat awkward meeting the other two alicorns in such a distinctly homey setting as the Apples' den. Yet this clearly wasn't a social visit; she could read Celestia's expression quite well, and right now the elder Princess was all business. This encounter had a bizarre atmosphere wavering between formal and unconventional, and it wasn't helped at all by the way Luna was gorging herself on apple snacks. "I'm, uh, sorry that I couldn't receive you at the library, as usual. It's kind of... gone, now."
"So I heard. I was quite surprised to learn of the dragonspawn attack a few days ago," Celestia said with a slight frown, "I only heard about it today from Mayor Mare when Luna and I initially tried to meet you at home. I haven't been given all the details, but I understand that nopony was hurt, which is a relief."
"Actually-" Spike began, only for Twilight to cut him off quickly.
"Yes, it is! But anyway, why are you here, if it doesn't have anything to do with that?" Twilight asked anxiously. "Is there a problem?"
Celestia nodded. "Indeed, I bring unfortunate news. We have become aware of a new enemy that seeks to undermine and possibly destroy the royal family of Equestria, but as of right now we're uncertain as to the scope and integrity of the threat. It could be that these foes are nothing but clumsy insurgents whose plans have already unraveled. However, it is possible that they pose a serious threat to Equestria's royal order and the stability of the country."
Twilight nodded mutely, but in her head she found herself recalling a rather incredulous statement she had heard from a recent guest.
"The unicorns that did this to me also have this gem called the 'MacGuffin Stone'... it might not be important. Or your planet could be on the verge of total destruction."
"The enemies we've identified are a pair of unicorns; powerful foes, certainly, but conventionally so," Luna continued after gulping down some tea, "I doubt they could best any alicorn in a fair challenge, Sparkle, and they would surely falter if faced by Equestria's military or the Elements of Harmony. However, they possess unusual knowledge, and have the courage and means to attack an Equestrian Princess." She snorted. "They already launched an attack upon me, and their failure was a very near thing."
Twilight gasped, and Applejack raised an eyebrow. "How'd they manage to nearly take ya down?" asked the farmer.
"They have a... weapon. Or at least, they did. Circumstances have apparently not played out as they had hoped," Celestia mumbled, "an ancient artifact of great power allowed them to catch Luna by surprise."
"The unicorns that did this to me also have this gem called the 'MacGuffin Stone'."
"As such, we have taken to moving about the kingdom either with a heavy escort or in secrecy," Celestia explained before taking another sip of tea, "we thought the latter was more appropriate for delivering this warning to you; our business here will be fairly brief, so there was no point in generating a fuss and exciting the villagers by moving in a small army."
"So we need to find and stop these unicorns?" Twilight asked.
"No. Not this time, Twilight," Celestia shook her head, "this is no great or ancient enemy that seeks to sow carnage across the lands, and they likely pose no serious threat at the moment. We believe these ponies are targeting the royal family, and are seeking specifically to defeat me. I am telling you this so that you have ample warning to stay on your guard, but if you locate these ponies then you should avoid them at all costs and report their location to Equestria's enforcers."
"Leavin' crooks to the proper authorities, huh? That'll be a nice change o'pace," Applejack mused.
"Okay, so who are they?" Twilight pressed.
At this question, surprisingly, Celestia suddenly looked pained. Certainly it wasn't a result of surprise; after warning Twilight about a pair of rogue ponies, her asking about their identities was a foregone conclusion. Twilight could only conclude that she found the answer itself quite distressing.
"I have searched our archives, and found the... origin... of these ponies," Celestia sighed deeply, and her horn summoned a pair of thin, hardcover books in a flash of yellow light.
Twilight's jaw fell open as she read the books' titles. Naturally, she had been expecting a jail registry, intelligence report, or maybe a simple population census.
The last "archives" she had expected to find a pair of villains in were yearbooks from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
The white Princess was obviously as uncomfortable with revelation as her student. Celestia magically laid one book open on the table, and the pages flew aside until she settled on a particular entry.
"Swan Song. She would be age eighteen. Birthplace: Canterlot," Celestia started reading the pony's recorded statistics in a sad, tired voice while the others stared at the picture posted in the corner of the page. A bright green mare with violet eyes grinned into the camera. Her long mane was chestnut brown, and hung down over the right side of her head and neck. A trio of silver rivet piercings was set in the ear that wasn't obscured by her hair. "A genius savant when it comes to combat magic. Insists that she possesses multiple special talents, including but not limited to: sorcery, finding valuable items, hoofball, glass sculpture, and a few others that aren't fit to publish in a school yearbook. Her hobbies include archeology, history, and magobiology, with a particular interest in powerful magic creatures like dragons and wendigoes."
"Weird cutie mark," Spike remarked as he refilled Celestia's tea cup. There was another picture beneath Swan Song's face, featuring a close-up of a large, white bird - presumably a swan - that appeared to be falling.
"Song's instructors insist that her actual special talent is focusing her magical energy reserves into an all-or-nothing magic casting. Although extraordinary, these last-ditch spells rarely accomplish precisely what she intends. She earned her cutie mark during her test to try to hatch a dragon's egg. After failing for several minutes, her frustration built and she finally managed to complete a working spell upon it. She fell unconscious from the effort, her cutie mark appeared, and the dragon egg was hard-boiled on the spot."
Spike's eyes bulged, and he fumbled the tea pot onto the floor. It fell apart with a crash.
"I've got it," Luna said before her horn glowed. The ceramic shards on the floor rose up and started to reassemble themselves before Spike, who was quivering in horror.
"Despite her exemplary achievements in her classes, Swan Song expressed repeated dissatisfaction with my school's curriculum. She complained that its focus on 'boring' topics like civics, community, and the use of magic to aid society as a whole hindered her efforts to learn the best spells for blowing things up and subjugating the weak. Nopony was surprised when she dropped out almost a year ago. She was voted 'most likely to replace Discord in Celestia's statue garden' by her class when they graduated without her."
"She sounds like one bad apple, all right," Applejack remarked with a frown. "Who's the other one?"
If Celestia had looked reluctant before, now she almost seemed on the verge of tears. She laid the second book down on top of the first, but simply stared at the yearbook without opening it.
"Princess?" Twilight said softly. "Are... Are you okay?"
"Come, Sister, show them. There's no helping it now," Luna insisted, placing the restored teapot back into Spike's claws, "surely you must be distressed and embarrassed that these ponies have strayed so far from the path on which you'd hoped to guide them, but it is not your fault."
Luna's words didn't really seem to be cheering up Celestia, but nonetheless the elder Princess steeled her expression and opened the book.
The picture that greeted the others was of a short unicorn stallion, young and obviously cheerful, but dignified. His fur was a dark red, and his eyes were a shadowy grey. His hair was black as pitch, and swept back down his neck in a style more often seen among pegasi. They could see the stallion's back leg, but bizarrely, he didn't have a cutie mark despite looking to be in his mid-teens. That was not, however, the strangest thing about this page of the yearbook.
"This stallion's name... is Blood Rite. He would be forty-six this year. He was born in Stalliongrad. It is believed he is the leader of the two, and may have additional resources and associates. His mane and tail are now ash white, rather than black."
Twilight, Applejack, and Spike all turned their heads up to stare at Celestia, waiting for her to go on. It was all they could do, as there was no more information in the yearbook; everything below the stallion's picture and few lines of basic information had been torn out.
"As I said before, if you see either of them, do not try to capture them on your own. You must be particularly careful, Twilight," Celestia didn't meet her student's eyes as she closed the yearbook.
"Wait, wait, wait. That's it? Blood Rite, forty-six, Stalliongrad, white mane? That's all we know about this varmint?" Applejack asked incredulously. "Ya practically gave us that other one's whole life story! Ya can't even tell us what his cutie mark is? Does he not have one? Can that happen, at his age?"
"Applejack, don't!" Twilight hissed. She was quite aware that her mentor was currently struggling emotionally, but the apple farmer wasn't nearly so sensitive.
"Ah mean, ya GOTTA have more'n that. He came from yer school, right? Did he drop out too?" Applejack asked.
"And his name was 'Blood Rite'? You seriously let somepony enroll called 'Blood Rite'?" Spike asked.
Luna was waiting with an arched eyebrow, clearly interested in the answer but not expecting to hear it.
Princess Celestia shook her head slowly. "Rite did not drop out, no... he was expelled." She suddenly stood up, indicating quite clearly that their meeting was now over. "I have one more errand to attend to in Ponyville, and then I must return to Canterlot. Luna, I'll meet you back home."
Applejack looked like she was about to protest, but when Celestia started heading for the door she instinctually moved aside to let her pass.
"Thank you for telling me, Princess. I'll be careful," Twilight said as Celestia stepped through the front door, "and I'll send you a report if I learn anything!"


The door closed, and Applejack sighed as she felt much of the tension in the room evaporate. "Well, any way ya tear it, that's just odd."
"Princess Celestia said she didn't want us to get involved in this, Applejack. It's not our problem unless she MAKES it our problem," Twilight replied, resolute in her defense of her teacher. Applejack just shrugged.
Then they both turned to face the royal sister that remained.
"Mmph! These apple crumbles are exemplary! I wish I could requisition you as castle staff!" Luna said brightly.
Applejack chuckled and her cheeks turned pink. After the curious and rather grim mood that Celestia had left behind, it was quite pleasant to have a more light-hearted conversation.
"Uh... Princess Luna? Was there something you wanted to talk about?" Twilight asked. She couldn't help but notice that the dark Princess was making no move to leave, and she really didn't see any reason that Luna couldn't take some of the snacks with her while teleporting back home.
"Hmmm..." Luna swallowed her current mouthful, and then glanced up at the ceiling. "... Let us take a walk!" She jumped up suddenly and snapped a wing toward the door, smiling broadly. "We rarely get a chance to converse as friends, Twilight Sparkle. I thought this would be an ideal opportunity!"
"... You thought a secret visit to deliver a personal warning that my life might be in danger would be a good chance to have a friendly chat with me?" Twilight asked.
"Indeed! Spike can come too." Luna bowed her head to Applejack. "Lady Apple, I thank you for your hospitality, and wish you well."
"Ah, shucks, nothin' to it, Princess," Applejack grinned as Luna led Twilight and Spike out the door.


Twilight and Spike shared a nervous glance as they followed Luna into the apple groves. It wasn't hard to figure out that Luna's "friendly chat" had ulterior motives, and both were worried that this topic was coming on the heels of a warning about two dangerous rogue sorcerers.
"... I'm glad that Sister decided to tell you, after all," Luna said suddenly. Her eyes were scanning the trees and looking over the shining, rich fruit of the Apples' orchard. "It was a near thing. She had considered other ways to protect you, from sending undercover guards to giving you extensive duties in Canterlot to keep you within a properly fortified city. In the end, however, her concern for honesty and her trust in you won out."
Twilight had a great number of questions to ask, obviously, but was afraid to probe too deeply. If Celestia didn't want her to know something, Twilight's first instinct was to trust in her teacher that she shouldn't know it.
Spike's curiosity, however, wasn't so easily intimidated. "Why is that, anyway? Was she afraid that Twi knew these ponies?"
"Doubtful," Luna replied, "Blood Rite's enrolment occurred before Sparkle was born, and Swan Song was not in Sparkle's year or well-respected by her colleagues. I believe Sister was afraid that you would wish to get involved in this matter despite her wishes."
Twilight chewed her lip as she considered it. It certainly seemed possible, but she wasn't quite convinced. Still, she didn't feel inclined to press the issue. Celestia had her reasons.
But there was one other question that was eating away at her; a question that could open up a whole new face of this "insurrection", or whatever it was that these sorcerers were trying to accomplish.
"Princess Luna? Do you... know what the unicorns' weapon was called? That artifact that they used against you?" Twilight asked hesitantly.
Luna winced. "I do, but I would rather not dwell on it."
"Why? Was it that bad?" Spike asked.
"No. Just ridiculous."
"The MacGuffin Stone." Saotome's voice practically boomed in Twilight's ears.
"But let us not dwell on the matter of the traitorous ponies," Luna said, suddenly all smiles again, "I actually have a personal request to make of you, Twilight Sparkle."
"Me? Really? What?" The smaller alicorn was obviously surprised to have the Princess of the Night ask her for assistance in a personal matter, and just slightly suspicious.
"We did not go into great detail about the attempt that the upstart wizards made upon me, but it was not through any effort of mine that they failed," Luna admitted, "there is another pony involved in this matter."
"Would this pony happen to have gray fur, braided hair, and a star of white arrows for a cutie mark?" Twilight asked, deliberately sticking to aspects of Ranma's appearance that were the same in both his forms.
Luna froze in mid-step. Her head twisted about to stare at Twilight with wide eyes.
"I thought so," Twilight groaned.
"You know of him?!" Luna shouted, suddenly almost nose-to-nose with Twilight. The smaller alicorn yelped and ducked down. "I have sought any information I could, and have so far come up with nothing! While Sister scoured her library for information on the sorcerers and their artifact, I searched the military, militia, and citizen census until the sun rose again, with no success at all! When did you see him?"
"Three days ago," the purple pony sighed, her shoulders slumping, "and I haven't seen him since."
"Truly? What happened?" Luna demanded, her expression almost frantic.
"Twi blew him up," Spike said.
"By accident! And he got better!" Twilight added quickly.
"Then a dragonspawn tried to kill him," Spike said.
"But that wasn't my fault! Also, he beat it!" Twilight added quickly.
"Beat it with a tornado. That sucked him up and threw him into the air," Spike said.
"But... uh..." Twilight's ears flipped down. "Okay, actually, we're not sure what happened to him after that. But to be fair, we've been searching for him ever since."
Luna continued staring.
"Yeah. It's been that kind of week," Twilight mumbled.
The older Princess relaxed. "I see. Most interesting... do you know anything more about this stallion?"
"Actually, I know a lot about him, although much of it is rather hard to believe." Twilight pursed her lips. "For a start, his name is Saotome Ranma."
"Sao... Tome... Ranma..." Luna whispered, her ears twitching slightly.
Twilight pursed her lips, and her eyes darted to the side. "Also, you know... given that last I saw, he was launched into the sky by a giant cyclone, one thing I don't know about Saotome is whether he's still alive or not."
"He is," Luna said resolutely, snapping out of her daze, "this encounter happened three days ago, you said? My own meeting with Saotome occurred that very night." Twilight looked stunned to hear it. "When Blood Rite and Swan Song had me at their mercy, he ambushed them and saved me from their artifact. They managed to banish him from the field, but barely, and probably by accident."
"Wait, so Saotome DID crash somewhere and just walk off?" Twilight asked in disbelief.
"Twice, apparently," Spike mumbled, "maybe he really IS an alien."
Now it was Luna's turn to be shocked and confused. Again.
"Anyway, why are you looking for him?" Twilight finally asked, not wanting to get side-tracked. "Is it to question him about the unicorns?"
"Not really, no." Luna coughed lightly, trying to retain an especially dignified posture as she entered this next phase of her request. "Sir Saotome rescued me from certain defeat, and may have single-hoofedly derailed their plot against our kingdom. My interest in him is... personal. As such, I wish to enlist your aid in finding him."
"Oh... kay... What did you have in mind?" Twilight asked hesitantly.
"The fact that you know him is an unexpected boon. I had thought that you might need additional time and resources to aid me. If that is not the case, then we should move to track down Saotome Ranma without further delay!" Luna said brightly.
"Wait, you mean... go out and look for him?" Twilight asked in disbelief. "But aren't you supposed to stay under heavy guard as much as possible because you could be attacked at any time?"
"I am supposed to stay under heavy guard OR move secretly," Luna corrected smugly, "obviously, our joint endeavor will take place in utmost secrecy. Nopony but us three shall know of this venture."
A heavy thump came from behind Luna, and she twisted her head around.
Big Macintosh was bucking apple trees barely twenty feet away from the Princesses, his ears folded down and his eyes on the ground as he tried his absolute hardest to ignore the apparently secret meeting happening right in the middle of his work area.
"... Nopony but us... four," Luna corrected, turning back to Twilight, "if I recall correctly, he rarely speaks anyway. Perfectly trustworthy."
"While I'm sure that Big Macintosh isn't going to betray our location and activities to Equestria's enemies, I'm more concerned with the ponies who DON'T know about this. Like Princess Celestia." Twilight said with a frown.
"Informing Sister as to our intentions could only compromise my mission," Luna insisted.
"Why is that?"
"Because she would object, obviously."
Twilight slapped a hoof against her face. "And that doesn't suggest to you that perhaps you SHOULDN'T?"
Luna shook her head. "You're both overreacting. A pair of clever malcontents needn't cause such panic that all of the Equestrian royalty should be locked up as if under siege. And if the scoundrels should find us somehow and think to assault us, surely two Equestrian Princesses would be up the task of subduing them. When they first attacked me, they had the benefit of surprise and anonymity. Both advantages are now null. They likely do not even possess the artifact that they thought to use against me."
"Those are all perfectly valid points. However, I am still EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the prospect of defying Princess Celestia's wishes," Twilight countered.
"You are doing no such thing," Luna scoffed, "Sister's only wish was for you to avoid contact with Blood Rite and his lackeys. Do you think you are more likely to accomplish that aim here, where you live, with no security of any note, than out in the countryside on a confidential mission to locate somepony else?"
"That's a technicality! You already presume that Princess Celestia would disapprove! That's your explicit reason for not telling her!" Twilight stressed.
"Twi, didn't you say that you wanted to find Saotome too?" Spike suddenly interjected.
"W-Well... yes!" Twilight stammered, glancing back between Luna and her assistant. "But for purely academic reasons!"
"Well, now you have even more reasons, don't you?" Spike asked with a quirked eyebrow. "Luna wants to find this guy, you want to study this guy, and he's apparently an enemy of these unicorn goons. He might even know something about them that we don't. You DID kind of blow him off when he tried to tell you about them before."
Twilight's ears drooped. That DID make a lot of sense, as much as she hated to admit it. "Well..."
"And then you kind of blew him up," Spike added for no obvious reason, "and by 'kind of', I mean the explosion launched him all the way across town and demolished the-"
"YES, OKAY, FINE! Stop bringing it up!" Twilight shouted before lowering her head again. "Okay... it isn't that I don't WANT to help. I do! But I'm just REALLY concerned about this whole thing taking place behind Princess Celestia's back."
Luna's gaze met Spike's, and they shared an eye roll.
"There is nothing untoward about it. My authority is equal in every respect to Sister's, and I needn't secure her permission for anything. Your authority is..." Luna trailed off uncertainly. "Uh... less... clear, I suppose... but there is likewise no reason you should have to seek Sister's permission to travel the countryside."
Twilight kept frowning at her.
"If it makes you feel better, then you can provide a full report to Sister after we return with my fiancé," Luna sighed.
"Well, actually, yes, that does make me feel-" Twilight jerked her head up suddenly. "Wait, when we return with what?"
"With Saotome Ranma. The stallion that saved me." Luna coughed, placing a hoof against her chest. "Forgive me if I misspoke. My diction is still adapting to the modern form of our language."
"Oh... uh... Okay." Twilight scratched her head with a hoof, and then nodded slowly. "All right, I'll help. You make a good case, and you're right that between the two of us, any criminal would have a hard time getting the jump on us." Then her expression became more determined. "Besides, if Princess Celestia really doesn't want me getting anywhere near Blood Rite, then this is the only way I can help while staying relatively safe from them. Saotome Ranma is our only available source of information."
"Yeah. Well, unless you count all the staff and faculty at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns who would have known Blood Rite when he took classes there," Spike mused aloud.
"We're not counting them," Luna assured him.
"But, wait!" Twilight protested. "Maybe one of them knows-"
"We're NOT COUNTING them!" Luna assured her more forcefully. Then she leaned back and cleared her throat. "You can rest assured that such obvious leads are being addressed as necessary by the Royal Guard in their pursuit of the villains. Saotome Ranma, however, is a pony that Sister has taken no interest in questioning."
"Okay, fair enough..." Twilight glanced down at Spike. "So, when do you want to leave? And where should we start looking?"
"I was prepared to depart within the hour, but since I now have the stallion's name, this offers additional options." Luna spread her wings, and turned in the direction of Canterlot. "I will consult with my Lunar Guard and see if their networks can give us a hint of our quarry's location! Be prepared to leave once the moon rises tomorrow!" The dark Princess lifted off, vaulting into the air on wings of midnight blue.


"All right, Princess! I'll see you tomorrow, then!" Twilight shouted as the larger alicorn soared above the treetops. A burst of shadowy darkness exploded around Luna in mid-air, and then she vanished from sight into a long-range teleport.
Twilight shook her head. "Well, it looks like I'm going to be searching for Saotome a little longer."
"Yeah, about that..." Spike mumbled, "should we have told her about the alien thing? Or, at least, the pegasus thing?"
"Oh, right, I forgot about that," Twilight mumbled, rubbing her head, "well, we'll have plenty of time together while we're traveling. I'll bring it up later."
A heavy thump came from directly behind her, and Twilight turned around. Big Macintosh was still harvesting apples from the trees around them, and still trying his best to pretend that his presence wasn't enormously awkward.
"So, it looks like we won't be staying with you and Applejack after tomorrow," Twilight said with a nervous smile, "and, uh, I won't really be able to tell Applejack WHY..."
"Eeyup," Big Mac said, finally breaking his extensive silence.
"I'll just say it's Princess business. That's accurate, and nopony ever asks me to be more specific..."
"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed.
"So... yeah... keep a secret?"
The stallion placed a hoof to the side of his muzzle and then drew it across his lips.
This seemed to break Twilight out of her anxiousness, and she quickly trotted away. "All right, thank you! I have to start preparing and making arrangements!" Before long she was out of earshot, well on her way back to the farmstead.


Spike sighed. "Well, so much for my vacation. I thought I might actually get to relax a little until the new library was built."
"Sorry to hear it, Spike. Ya sure ya don't wanna stay here and leave this to the Princesses?" Big Mac asked, nudging his head toward the farmstead.
The young dragon shook his head. "Nah. I'm pretty sure I can't count on Princess Luna to keep Twi out of trouble. Sorry I'll have to bail on the hoofball game this weekend." He made a fist and held it up.
Mac tapped his hoof against it, smirking. "S'all right, little buddy. Don't let her work ya too hard."


Celestia grimaced to herself as she stood atop a small arch bridge, looking at her next destination. The cottage was tall and isolated from the rest of the village at large, with light fencing, bird posts, and several small shelters scattered around it. It was quaint and idyllic, and precisely the last place one would have expected to find an ancient tyrant of chaos.
That was probably why Discord liked it so much.
The white Princess walked up to Fluttershy's home, mentally preparing herself for the trials ahead. Discussing the evident rebellion of ponies that she had sought to guide and educate was painful, but the conversation she sought now was probably going to be emotionally trying in a completely different way.
Princess Celestia stood before the front door and knocked politely. A muffled assurance came from within, letting her know that she had been heard.
The door cracked open, and Fluttershy poked her head out cautiously.
That caution turned to shock when she saw who was waiting outside. Fluttershy flung the door open and then quickly dipped into a bow.
"P-P-Princess C-Celestia! Hello! I, uh, I wasn't... I mean, I didn't..."
"Be calm, my little pony," Celestia said soothingly, "there is no need to fret." Once the pegasus stopped stammering and her breathing returned to normal, the Princess of the Sun continued. "I'm looking for Discord."
Fluttershy blinked rapidly. "Oh. What did he...?"
Celestia shook her head, smiling ruefully. "As I said, there is no need to fret. I'm not here to make accusations or punish any alleged misdeeds... this time."
"Phew! Well, why didn't you say so?" called out an enthusiastic voice from upstairs.
Discord slid downstairs along the banister, and then landed in a crouch right in front of Celestia. He was wearing a top hat and the upper half of a tuxedo, and he held out a bouquet of flowers to the white mare.
"For you, my dearest Princess," Discord said bashfully, looking away and fluttering his eyelashes.
Celestia's expression lost much of the gentle warmth she had displayed toward Fluttershy. "... No, thank you."
"Not your type? Okay, hold on. Let's try something else," Discord stood up and snapped his fingers. A moment later he was wearing a spike-studded leather jacket, fingerless gloves, and a pair of shades.
The spirit of chaos shoved the bouquet forward more forcefully. "Here babe, got ya something. Don't say I never did nothing for you. Chopper's in the back; you ready to bounce?"
"Discord. Stop," Celestia said flatly.
Discord pushed up his sunglasses, frowning. "What? Is it the flowers? Should I have gone with chocolates? I figured your current diet is obviously hard enough on your flank as it is; should I really be tempting you?"
Celestia's eye twitched. "For starters, Discord, those are poison joke flowers."
"What? They are not!" the ancient tyrant scoffed as he looked down at the dark blue blossoms. "This is... uh... oh, wow. You're right. Huh. I think there was a little mix-up, somewhere." He furrowed his brow. "So THAT'S why the town hall meeting went off without a hitch. I thought the Mayor was just being sarcastic..."
Fluttershy sat off to the side, her eyes anxiously darting from her friend to her sovereign. She was quite relieved to hear that Celestia's visit wasn't retaliation for one of Discord's pranks, but there was plenty of scope for that to happen before she left.
"Secondly," Celestia continued evenly, "this is not a social visit."
A white, bushy eyebrow arched upward on Discord's brow. "Oh? But the way I see it, there are only three occasions on which you'd seek ME out. One, obviously, is to give me one of your pointless, boring lectures. Or one of your pointless, but rather exciting, volleys of fireballs to the face. Either way, you've already ruled that out." He took a step back and hugged his arms together while puckering his lips. "Another reason would be to FINALLY declare your long-suppressed love for me."
Princess Celestia took a step back reflexively, and her muzzle scrunched up as she fought off a surge of nausea.
Discord dropped his pose and then scratched at his beard with a claw. "Really, the only other reason for you to see me is if you need my help with something important."
"Yes. That one. That's why I'm here," Celestia interjected quickly, "really, that should have been AT LEAST your second guess."
"Call me an optimist," Discord grinned and shrugged. Then he launched himself backward through the air, landing on a couch in Fluttershy's living room. His biker outfit had also vanished at some point. "The friendly and all-powerful Discord is at your service, my Princess."


Fluttershy quickly scurried off to do chores, deciding that she didn't really need to be around while two immortal God-creatures chatted in her living room. Celestia entered the living room and sat down, trying not to glare at the individual she was trying to consult for help.
"... There is a new enemy that seeks the end of Equestria. Or, at least, the royal order," Celestia said hesitantly.
"Same horse time, same horse channel," Discord replied, "let's not beat around the bush, Celly. If this were any ordinary disaster, you would have just sent your purple pet Princess after it."
Celestia grimaced. "The enemy is... closer to me than I would like. Twilight is not involved in this, and I intend to keep it that way."
"Juicy! Home-grown antagonists always give the drama that extra little bite!" Discord rubbed his mismatched hands together. "Go on."
"What I'm having a problem with is that this enemy may or may not have an artifact that I have very little working knowledge about," the Princess admitted, "I need to know about a gem called the MacGuffin Stone."
Discord sniggered. "That's a silly name for an artifact."
"So I've been told," Celestia deadpanned, "for so long, the MacGuffin Stone was imagined to be myth, only referenced in obscure nursery rhymes, campaigns of Oubliettes and Ogres role-playing games, and a partially recovered archive of something called 'TVtropes'."
"Ah, I remember that source book. I think I still have my old character sheets lying around somewhere from 2nd Edition," Discord mused.
"Discord, please focus," the Princess requested sternly, "none of the sources suggest plausible evidence of the MacGuffin Stone's existence, much less give a proper accounting of what it actually does. I figured that you, if anypony, would have knowledge of an artifact so patently ridiculous."
The spirit of chaos stared up at the ceiling as his tail swung back and forth over the end of the couch. "Well. Maybe I do, and maybe I don't."
"And what does THAT mean?" Celestia asked through clenched teeth.
"It means I haven't made my Knowledge roll yet!" Discord said, sitting upright and making finger guns at Celestia. "Eh? Eh?"
Celestia simply looked perplexed. "A... what? Knowledge 'roll'? What does that even mean?"
Discord pouted and fell back again. "I see you haven't actually participated in those O&O campaigns yourself. Hmph. Twilight Sparkle would have gotten that."
"Discord, if I'm wasting my time, I would appreciate it if you would tell me up-front," Celestia groused.
"Oh, no, not at all. I know all about the MacGuffin Stone." Discord's tail continued swinging back and forth, and it started making a sound like the pendulum of a clock. "So. What do I get out of this?"
"How about the satisfaction and self-fulfillment that comes from aiding your friends and neighbors?" Celestia suggested.
She wasn't terribly surprised when Discord started laughing, slapping a hand against his knee. "Ha ha HAH! Oh, that was good! Who says you don't have a sense of humor?! Besides me, I mean. Constantly. I bring it up a lot. You could really stand to lighten up."
Celestia started glaring.
"See? This is what I'm talking about," Discord sat up, smirking at her, "come on, Celly, I'm not one of your loyal subjects. If I'm going to help, you have to offer me something in return. This isn't anything nefarious; it's basic reciprocation."
"And what would you want for this information?" the Princess asked suspiciously.
"Well, if you really can't put enough thought into it to come up with a gift idea yourself, you can always just owe me a favor," Discord shrugged, "it won't be anything crude or terrible. Just a promise that you'll do some unspecified thing for me at some unspecified time in the future."
"That..." Celestia looked away, her eyes narrowing. "That actually sounds rather reasonable. Which just makes me more suspicious."
Discord held his lion's paw to his waist and held up his other arm. "I promise you that I have no sinister intentions whatsoever. And you may maintain the right to refuse any particular favor if you decide it is unacceptable."
Celestia looked up at him, and then down at where his lion paw was being held.
"Yes, that's where my heart is. The biggest one, anyway."
"All right, fine. I accept. IF this information is actually useful," the alicorn relented, "now out with it."
Discord suddenly stood straight up, and then started pacing back and forth across the living room. Fluttershy's home had numerous bird houses and perches hanging from the ceiling, and he paid these obstacles no mind as he walked a circuit around the cottage, knocking them aside and startling the animals within.
"The MacGuffin Stone exists for one purpose: to drive a narrative," Discord began.
"Drive a WHAT?"
"A story. A conflict. A remarkable series of events that would be impossible without it and significantly impact the lives of everypony - or rather, everyTHING - involved," the chaos spirit clarified. A birdhouse caught on his right antler, and the sparrows within quickly evacuated as it was pulled free of its anchor. "It does this in a few different ways; sometimes it can get by simply compelling and guiding several relevant actors - let's call them 'main characters' - to chase after it. But if secured by a party that knows what it's doing, it can accomplish feats of such magnitude that it inevitably brings the main characters into conflict."
"Feats like what?" Celestia pressed.
"Well, the MacGuffin Stone specializes in challenging the status quo; the natural order that persists because a great deal of power is invested into it and formidable interests wish to keep it that way." He grinned at Celestia. "Like, say, a kingdom that controls the world's largest and most successful population, and regulates the very rise and fall of the sun itself."
The alicorn bristled. "You mean to say the Stone seeks the downfall of Equestria?"
"No," Discord said quickly, turning his head away and still pacing, "the MacGuffin Stone is not intelligent. It doesn't make decisions. It does not care about outcomes. It simply ENABLES - to use this convenient example - the downfall of Equestria, and provokes both you and other interested parties to action. That's all."
"It sounds like your kind of artifact," Celestia grumbled.
"For what it is, yes," Discord admitted, "I need no such things to cause havoc and disrupt harmonious stability. But for those who are NOT me - a sadly prevalent condition, so I understand - it is a useful crutch when faced with insurmountable odds."
"So what does it DO, specifically? Luna said that when it was used against her, it sapped her magic and left her nearly helpless."
Discord stopped mid-step, and his head snapped around toward Celestia. The birdhouse that had been hanging from his antler was flung through the air and somehow landed back on its original ceiling hook.
"Really? It was used on her? Hmmmm..." he started rubbing his chin.
"Yes, and it may be used on one of us again. To PREVENT that, I need to know what its specific effects are and how to counter them," Celestia explained patiently.
Discord's thoughtful pose melted away and he started pacing again. "Well, here's where things get... opaque. The MacGuffin Stone's powers have always been poorly understood. But one important function it has is to easily capture a powerful creature and use its magical energy on behalf of the Stone's bearer. It's part of the 'disrupting natural order' thing; it removes a major player and tilts the balance of power the other way."
Celestia's brow furrowed as her gaze fixed onto the floor. "Then... they were trying to catch Luna to use her power for their own?"
"Probably. The SURPRISING thing is that the Stone should already be 'occupied', so it should already have the power your little rebels need."
Celestia's head snapped up again. Discord's pacing circuit had now expanded beyond the living room floor, and he was walking up the wall and onto the ceiling. "Something was already in it? Did they need more power, then?"
"Maybe, but I doubt it. The last one was good enough to torch most of the planet," Discord mumbled as he walked across the ceiling, "as for how to counter it, well, the only sure way is controlling it yourself, or destroying it outright. Rather the point, you know. But barring that, it can't suck you into its unfathomable, ethereal core without touching you, so keep a quick teleport handy."
Discord stopped, and then looked down - or, from his angle, up - at Celestia. "But whatever you do, you'll want to make sure that the creature currently trapped in the MacGuffin Stone STAYS there."
The Princess quirked a brow. "Why? What is inside?"
"A force of destruction the likes of which you have NEVER faced before," Discord intoned grimly, clasping his hands behind his back.
Celestia recoiled, disturbed by the sudden lack of levity in his tone. "Is it... that bad?"
"Whatever you're imagining, I guarantee the 'prisoner' is worse," the spirit of chaos said darkly, "should it get free, your mightiest heroes will falter and your greatest feats of power shall prove useless. It will overcome any opposition and demolish any bulwark. Terror will reign across Equestria, and your time upon its throne shall be numbered."
The Princess stared with wide eyes, stunned that such a serious and dire proclamation was coming from Discord.
"... Either that, or it will just faff about around the countryside and settle down somewhere," Discord added, "hard to say. Odds favor terror and destruction, though." He scratched at his chin some more.
Celestia groaned. "I don't suppose you can offer me something more USEFUL about this prisoner than deliberately non-specific pronouns and vague portents of doom, can you?"
"Oh, sure. I know all about it," Discord replied.
Celestia held out an upraised hoof, gesturing for him to continue.
"... BUT, obviously, that would cost you another favor." Discord grinned as the mare's expression fell. "I think if I have two, then I could spend one on a date. How do you like roller coasters? I LOVE roller coasters!"
Celestia's horn glowed, and a second later Discord dropped down from the ceiling onto his head.
"I'll pass," the Princess grunted as she turned back toward the front door, "it shouldn't matter, anyway. The MacGuffin Stone is the key either way." She started heading out, but then paused. "... Thank you, Discord. This meeting was far less irritating and difficult than I expected."
"I live to serve," replied the spirit of chaos. He was still lying on the floor on his head, with his long, hybrid body heaped around him.


Celestia departed Fluttershy's cottage, thinking hard on what she had just been told. Both about the artifact, and about the monster that supposedly lay within. Discord's information had been useful, but didn't much change her immediate goals; whether or not there was a dangerous magic weapon out there, her first priority was stopping the rogues that directly sought her downfall.
At least she had been vindicated in keeping Twilight and the Elements of Harmony out of the matter; if the MacGuffin Stone operated as Discord had suggested, then sending her most powerful heroines to neutralize it could easily make things much worse. Ultimately, though, the artifact was a secondary objective; a loose end that she would see wrapped up after...
After...
The Princess heaved a despondent sigh, dropping her head low to the ground. The sun was almost ready to be lowered, and she had other affairs of state to see to besides.
"Rite..." Celestia whispered, her horn lighting up with a fierce, golden halo. "I suppose this was inevitable, wasn't it? You fought your destiny for so long, but now it's come to this... I'm so sorry..."
With a sharp intake of breath and a brilliant flare of light, Celestia teleported away from Ponyville.