"My worst fear," Rarity said, "is that one day I will sink into despair and never recover, that I shall lose the beauty of the world for ever and ever. I don't much fear death, but I do fear unending ugliness, within which I would drift, gradually becoming base and vile, unable to even perceive how I might once again be fabulous, let alone assist anypony else in expressing their inner beauty.
"In the last half-year," Rarity continued, "my nightmare twice seemed about to come true. When Tirek drained our magic, my aesthetic sense was muted. I still had some of my Talent, but it was weakened -- Twilight later told me because my natural magic was no longer there to power it. It was as it was before I got my Cutie Mark, save that I was exhausted, and no longer had the natural exuberance of a little filly. It was -- just barely -- tolerable, though I was frightened that I might never recover my former abilities."
She looked directly at Fluttershy, her eyes sad.
"Yes. I was terribly selfish. You must all have been feeling at least as bad as I -- you, in particular, were devastated by Discord's betrayal of your friendship, and the love he had so recently declared for you -- but in my craven misery, I ... All Equestria was in danger, yet all I cared about was my own fate. All I could do was cling to Spike, and try not to disgrace myself by openly weeping. Spike noticed -- but he didn't let anypony else know. As always, I could trust my dear Spike to keep my secrets." She smiled briefly, then winced, as she considered that she had perhaps ruined that friendship.
"What Starlight Glimmer did," Rarity said, "was worse. Far worse. I don't pretend to fully understand how it was even possible -- my own knowledge of Unicorn magic is mostly concerned with telekinesis -- I think Twilight was working it out in those papers she was writing on the train ride back. It felt a little like what Twilight did to us by accident, right before she Ascended -- but Twilight's spell only mixed up our Cutie Marks, confused us as to our true Talents. Starlight's spell -- to me it felt as if part of my soul had been torn from me.
"Was it like that for you?" Rarity asked.
Fluttershy screwed up her muzzle in concentration. "Well," she said, "I felt really drained. As if I'd been flying all day; completely exhausted my wings. I think that taking our Cutie Marks also took most of our magic, of all sorts -- I couldn't use any of my other special abilities -- I could just barely sense emotions, and I don't think I could have Stared anypony to save my life.
"I knew that Starlight had weakened all of us," Fluttershy continued, "but I didn't understand what she'd done until I tried to talk to that bird -- and I couldn't. I realized that she hadn't just drained my magic and taken my Cutie Mark -- she'd taken my Talent as well."
"How did that make you feel?" Rarity asked. It was obvious to her that Fluttershy, like herself, had wanted to talk about this for a while. It had been one topic of conversation they had studiously avoided on the ride back.
"At first, sad," said Fluttershy. "Talking with animals is one of the things that gives me the most joy in life. My animals are my friends. I love them, and they love me in return. They'd probably still like me, even if I couldn't talk with them, but I'd never know again for certain what they wanted to communicate. I knew that if I couldn't get my Cutie Mark back, I'd never be able to talk with my friends again!"
Her jaw firmed. "And then, I got mad." Her brows lowered. "We never asked to join Our Town -- we had just traveled there to see if they needed any help. We never told Starlight Glimmer that it was okay to take our Cutie Marks. She just decided everything for us, and she took something very special from me without even knowing what it was, because she'd decided to reduce me to her idea of what a Pony should be. And that I had to accept it, just because her magic was stronger and I couldn't stop her.
"She had a whole complex philosophy, I found out later -- more than just what was on those records she was playing, she talked to me about it in detail when I was over at her house -- but she was really just being a bully. I hate bullies," Fluttershy said. "It was at that moment, when I realized of what she'd robbed me, that I decided that I owed her no honesty -- that it was all right to betray her." Fluttershy turned troubled eyes on her friend. "Did I make the right choice?"
"Fluttershy," Rarity said firmly. "Starlight Glimmer ambushed and imprisoned us. She did not use us honestly, and we were not bound in honor to treat her any better."
"I know," said Fluttershy, regretfully. "But I want to be nice ..."
"Nice, yes," said Rarity, "and you are once of the nicest Ponies I have ever known. But remember the rest of what you explained to me about the way to be nice and still win the game -- 'and tit for tat.'" At Fluttershy's startled expression, Rarity laughed. "Oh, I have paid attention to your discusssions of Game Theory. And what happened to Starlight Glimmer was a textbook case why one should not enter a game planning to play nasty. If she hadn't attacked us, she would very likely today be still ruling her horrid little town."
Fluttershy thought about it. "I guess you're right," she said, "in terms of Game Theory. Though at the time, I was just angry. And worried about what might happen."
"You mean if we didn't get our Cutie Marks back?" Rarity asked.
"That, too," Fluttershy admitted. "But mostly what would have happened to Starlight Glimmer and her followers."
"Happened?" asked Rarity. "I'm sorry ... I'm not sure what you mean ..."
"When I didn't show up for my weekly tea ..." Fluttershy said.
"Eh?" asked Rarity.
"... with Discord," Fluttershy finished.
"Oh," said Rarity. Then "Oh!" as the full implications hit her.
"Yes," said Fluttershy. "Discord and I have been getting, well, closer," she explained, "and I fear he would have been quite cross with the Ponies of Our Town. He might have ... over-reacted."
Rarity shuddered at the thought of Discord, over-reacting. "It's probably for the best that her own Ponies overthrew her, then," Rarity commented. "So, how do you feel about it now that it's over?"
"Glad that it's over," Fluttershy said. "It was unpleasant. And scary."
"Scary?" asked Rarity. "For me that's too mild a description. It was my worst nightmares, come true. Rather, to be more precise, it was the exact situation that my worst Nightmare came into being in a misguided attempt to avoid.
"No beauty," Rarity explained, her voice flat and toneless. "Nothing fabulous, not ever again. No achievements -- no point even trying. No grand passions, no brilliant match. If I was lucky, a very ordinary marriage, perhaps blessed by foals ..."
"Actually," Fluttershy interjected, "Starlight Glimmer was undecided between arranged marriages and temporarily-assigned breeding partners in her plans for a Society of Sameness."
Rarity stared at her in surprise.
"You see," Fluttershy explained, "Starlight felt that some of the most painful and emotionally-destructive competitions were those between mares for husbands. So she wanted to do away with marriage entirely, but she ran into the problem that -- with no marriages -- there might not be a next generation.
"At first, she tried to have everypony mate at random, but most of the mares and even some of the stallions balked at this. Then she thought about arranging marriages, but if she did that without asking the Ponies she wanted to have marry each other, they were upset; if she asked them, then they would just be competing for husbands and wives again. And, under the sameness, most of them really didn't want to mate all that much anyway. So she never really solved the problem."
Rarity's mouth gaped slightly open in shock. "But -- all those foals --"
"Some of them were born before their mothers joined Our Town," replied Fluttershy. "Others -- most of the mares didn't want to mate at random, but some were just fine with it, or didn't mind enough to stand up to Starlight on the issue. And of course they were mating on their cycles -- the point was to get pregnant."
"Ugh," said Rarity. "Also, ugh. Those poor mares -- those poor foals. How could they bear living under such a custom?"
Fluttershy nodded. "It horrified me, too." She looked directly at Rarity. "I know what it's like to grow up fatherless. And just because I'm in love with more than one being doesn't mean that I'm willing to ... with just anyone."
"Oh," Rarity replied, remembering that the mare to whom she was speaking was a bastard, and had known it since she was old enough to grasp the very concept of illegitimacy. "Oh, Fluttershy. I didn't mean --"
"I know," said Fluttershy. "I wasn't offended. And it's different for those foals than it was for me. They haven't been born to a proud and ancient family, rejected for their birth. There's a whole generation of them in Our Town. They'll be each others' friends."
"Did their parents love one another?" Rarity wondered. "Could Ponies love each other under such a cold system?"
"Mostly, they were apathetic, and afraid," Fluttershy said. "But there was some love in Our Town. Party Favor, Sugar Belle and Night Glider were all very good friends -- and I think that Party Favor and Sugar Belle felt even more for one another. And Double Diamond ..." Fluttershy's face grew sad. "... I wish he hadn't been the one who needed to lead the rebellion."
"Why?" asked Rarity.
"Because he and Starlight Glimmer loved one another," Fluttershy explained.
Rarity's eyes widened. "But I thought she disapproved of voluntary ..."
"She did," Fluttershy continued. "It didn't change how they felt. Though they didn't seem very happy -- I think because she had to keep her secret from him, and follow her own philosophy." Her ears drooped. "I don't think they love each other very much now."
Rarity considered the point. "No," she said, "I don't suppose they would." She sighed. "It's sad to think of love shattered like that. But it's very hard for me to feel much sympathy for Starlight Glimmer, all things considered."
"Because she hurt us?" Fluttershy's tone was unusually challenging.
"I suppose," said Rarity, lowering her head and pursing up her lips. "Because she hurt me. Because she caused me to hurt ..." she winced, closed her eyes.
"Hurt whom?"
Rarity opened her eyes, looked up and away. "Do you know what I think the most beautiful thing in all the world?" she asked Fluttershy.
Fluttershy shook her head.
"More of a 'who,' really," said Rarity.
Fluttershy's eyes widened.
"He's beautiful, on the outside and within. Have you ever noticed how the sunlight iridesces off his scales? It's as if he's wearing a suit of gemstones, but infinitely finer and more subtly-colored than the most valuable gems I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of gems in my life," Rarity added. "His eyes are so alert and alive. The way he turns his head in that sudden way -- almost like a bird's, but in his gaze there's such intelligence! He's small, but have you ever held him? He's rock-hard with muscles, he's stronger than most full-grown stallions, and someday he'll be truly mighty ."
Fluttershy nodded.
"If it were just how he looked, I could just, oh I don't know, put him on a pedestal and have him decorate the boutique," Rarity laughed at the thought. "But he's also so good. He's like a Canterlot prince in Dragon form, or rather like what I thought Canterlot princes were like before I actually met one. He's brave, and honorable, kind and uncomplaining. And his mind -- Fluttershy, he's brilliant! He understands everything you tell him, and you don't need to tell him more than once. He's picked up half my business skills just by hanging around and helping me with odd jobs. He doesn't even realize how intelligent he is, because he spends most of his time in Twilight's shadow, and she's one of a kind. He's incredible ..." Her eyes shone with admiration at the thought of him.
"You really do love Spike," Fluttershy said.
"Of course I love him!" said Rarity. "Who wouldn't?"
"Most mares couldn't see past his species ..."
"Pshaw!" said Rarity, waving a hoof dismissively at such shallow Ponies. "Well, at first ... yes, I thought it was impossible. But then I did some ... ahem, research ..." She didn't want to explain the exact nature, or the reasons, for this research, but she greatly feared that Fluttershy, with her wide-ranging knowledge of biology, already had an embarrassingly-accurate estimation of her motives. "Did you know that there's even a name for the children of a Dragon and a Pony? They're called ki-rin. They're all the rage in East Neighsia ..."
Fluttershy nodded. "And his age?" she asked.
"Hmm, yes, well there's the real problem," replied Rarity. "I could never make my mind up about that. I know he was hatched almost fifteen years ago, so if he were a Pony he'd be full-adolescent by now, almost a stallion. He's obviously not a 'baby' as Twilight keeps calling him, he's too intelligent and, um, emotionally-advanced." She did not want to go into details about Spike's emotional advancement, or on what precise basis she made this judgement -- she felt her cheeks begin to burn as she even considered the issue. "I think that he's in some sort of late childhood or early adolescence, but he doesn't seem to be growing as fast as he should. I'm not sure why."
"Not a lot is known about the details of the Dragon life cycle," Fluttershy said. "They don't like to talk about it. The Dragons, I mean. I think they don't want to reveal potential vulnerabilities."
"So I'm not sure how to treat him," Rarity said. "If he really were a baby, I'd never ... I mean ... it would be impossible. Even if he were a normal Pony colt of Sweetie's age. But he's not -- how can I treat him as if he were just a colt when he sometimes acts so mature? But I know he's not a normal Dragon adolescent, let alone adult -- I've seen adult Dragons, they're immense. Even the adolescents, like Luna's friend Fischfootur, are bigger than Big Mac." She sighed. "I don't really know what Spike is. But I know that, whatever he is, I love him."
"Have you told him?" asked Fluttershy.
"He has to know," said Rarity. "Isn't it obvious, from the way I treat him? He's my best friend -- along with you, of course. My assistant, my confidante. There's certainly no male creature I trust more than Spike. I -- I've become so used to having him at my side. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't want to be with me any more." Her ears drooped. "And of course I've made a huge mess of things."
"How have you done that?"
"When I came back to Ponyville, I was incredibly happy to be back, to see everything again, and see its beauty. When I saw Spike, I was overwhelmed by his beauty. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him ... and I behaved like a mad lovestruck fool, right directly to him and in front of everypony else. I ... you know, I nearly kissed him right on the lips."
Fluttershy looked at Rarity oddly. "Um, that's hardly terrible."
"I've never done that before, not with him," Rarity said. "I've been avoiding it, because when I start doing that I'm admitting to him, to myself, and to everypony that I'm in love with him. Such a first kiss has to be romantic and special. Not something one does on impulse in a spring drizzle in front of everypony."
"I wasn't aware that it was that complex," replied Fluttershy.
"I wasn't ready for that," Rarity said. "I'm -- he's still too young. He's not yet fifteen, and he looks younger than his true age. I'd be a wicked old temptress, seducing an innocent little colt. And he is innocent, in so many ways -- far more than I was at fifteen. He's almost as innocent as Sweetie Belle." She sighed. "I was going to wait at least another year. Maybe two. I didn't expect what would happen when I lost my aesthetic sense -- and then got it back."
"Maybe it's better this way," Fluttershy pointed out. "If you waited too long, he might have fallen in love with somepony else."
"Spike?" asked Rarity. "Well yes, of course he could -- that's one of the reasons I've feared it might never work. The other reason, of course, being that I might fall for somepony else." She smiled wryly at Fluttershy's look of surprise. "Oh, darling, I know my own flaws. Believe me, I know my own flaws." She frowned. "I wonder who he might fall for?"
Fluttershy remained silent. Rarity could tell from the conversational patterns that Fluttershy had a very good idea of whom Spike might fall for, and thinking about it, Rarity had the same idea. Rather than risk a sororial rupture over an event that had not in fact yet happened, she decided not to make it real to herself by either dwelling on the thought or asking Fluttershy to speak it aloud.
"Never mind about that," said Rarity. "It doesn't matter now. The fact is that I've blown it."
"How have you blown it?" asked Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy, did you see the look on Spike's face when I was about to kiss him? He was frightened of me. I showed him my true self -- the self I keep hidden under my mask of manners and decorum -- the randy, selfish little filly who just wants pleasure, regardless of the consequences. And he was repulsed by what he saw." Rarity lowered her head, let her mane hang down in a manner which -- had it been a bit longer -- might have covered her face in a gesture more characteristic of Fluttershy than of herself. "As well he should be," Rarity finished her statement in a tone like death. "I am not a good Pony."
Fluttershy stared at Rarity in what looked very much like disbelief.
"Rarity," she said. "Spike wasn't afraid of you. He was afraid for you."
The words penetrated Rarity's depression. "Eh?" she asked. "Do you really think so?"
"Yes," said Fluttershy firmly. "He knew you'd been off on an important mission, you came back acting very strange, and he was worried about you."
"He was?" Rarity asked. "Wait, you're just trying to cheer me up. I know how your empathy works. You can sense love, and of what sort, and that's about it, isn't it?"
"Yes, that's about it," replied Fluttershy. "But I'm not stupid. I can figure out things from what kind of love I sense, and when I sense it. For instance, I've known for a very long time that you love Spike. And that Spike loves you."
"Well of course, darling," said Rarity. "His crush on me has always been obvious. And he did love me -- until I ruined it all by acting like a madmare ..."
"No," said Fluttershy, very firmly, and with an undertone of anger.
"Fluttershy ...?" Rarity was genuinely alarmed. She'd rarely seen her friend this worked up about anything, and some of the few times she had seen her like this, it had been the precursor to The Stare.
"I'm sick and tired of seeing you torment yourself over a stupid little mistake," Fluttershy said, her voice almost breaking into a shout at points. "Spike loves you. Present tense. He always will love you. Future tense. In my whole life as an empathic emotivore, I've rarely tasted any romantic love as pure and strong as that Spike has for you. It's even stronger than the love you have for him, and that's pretty strong. He was still loving you when you started hugging and kissing him. When you acted crazy, it stopped being tinged with lust and switched to protectiveness, because he was afraid for you. You haven't lost his love. Not by a long shot. Do. You. Understand?" Stray flickers of The Stare played about the edges of her eyes, but so far Fluttershy was reining it in from full awakening.
"Oh," said Rarity. Her momentary fear turned to gladness. "Oh, Fluttershy. Thank you!" She reached out and hugged her friend tightly. "I've been a fool," she babbled. "If it's true love, then a little mistake wouldn't destroy it. You're right! Thank you!"
"Mmph," said Fluttershy. "Um, you're welcome." Her voice was once again mild. "I'm glad I could be of help. Um, you're kind of crushing me."
"I'm sorry," said Rarity. She smiled at Fluttershy, and they both laughed. "So you think that it could work in the long run?"
"I don't know," said Fluttershy. "I'm the wrong Pony to ask, if you're looking for 'normal.' I'm in love with more than one person, and one of the people I love isn't any more a Pony than is Spike. I was raised by a lunatic who thought Dragons were going to come eat us all. My sanity is shaky and my morality a work in progress.
"But, if Love has any power at all -- I think you and Spike have a chance," said Fluttershy. "At least a chance."
"I can work with that," said Rarity.
She was an expert with improvisations.