//------------------------------// // My Three Suns // Story: Planet Express's Package Pony // by MrAquino //------------------------------// The door opened to the lounge room opened, entering Fry, Leela, and Derpy being held in Leela's arms, though Leela wore a green tank top instead of her usual white one. Bender sat down on the couch and watched 'Essence of Elzar', a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef, Elzar. "Hey, I'm Elzar!" He greeted to the audience "Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug." He hooted and turned on the oven. "Now, while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees, you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam!" "Hey, what you watching?" Fry asked. Bender jumped and quickly turned the TV off. "Nothing!" Bender replied "Is that a cooking show?" Leela asked "No, of course not! It was ... uh ... porno! Yeah, that's it!" Leela turned the TV back on and saw the program. "Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking!" Derpy giggled, hopping onto Bender's lap. "That's so adorable!" Derpy added "Oh, it's true!" Bender spoke in shame "I've been hiding it for so long." "Don't worry, uncle, I want to be a baker myself! We're practically the same units!" "And it's OK, Bender," Fry added "I like cooking too." Both Fry & Leela walked away. "...Pansy." Bender and Derpy spoke in unison before giggling to themselves. Derpy began to watch with Bender, watching Elzar walk to a giant slug in a glass case. "Of course," Elzar continued "your most important ingredient is this baby right here: The Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one." He pulled the slug out of it's case and it began to grow rapidly. "Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware." He slammed the slug in between it's eye stalks with a frying pan. Bender and Derpy watched and were spooked on what happened next. Bender had to go an meet up with Hermes in his office about him being lazy or something. When he came back, as Fry, Leela, and Derpy played a videogame together. They paused, seeing Bender wearing a chef's hat and an apron. "You're gonna be the ships cook?" Fry asked "Yeah!" Bender replied "We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam!" "I know you like cooking shows," Leela replied "but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste. "Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top." "OHH!!!" Everyone yelled but Leela, who just stared angrily into space. Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Bender walked down a street called 'Little Neptune'. The place looked run down, and the presence of it had Derpy hold onto Fry's leg out of fear. "So this is Little Neptune?" Fry asked "Yep!" Bender replied "Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients." "Among other things." Leela added. "Let's get the stuff and get outta here!" Derpy practically pleaded. They continued to walk, halfway past a dark alleyway. "Psst!" A man'ce voice spoke, causing Fry to stop, seeing a man in a trench coat. "You want to buy organ?" He opened his coat, revealing human organs pinned to the inside "Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant!" Derpy held back her barf, seeing the organs. "Ooh! What's this?" Fry asked, pointing at an eyeball "Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!" "...Wait a minute! This says' Z-Ray'." "Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X." "Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash?" Derpy bit into Fry's leg. "OW!!!" Leela came in and quickly pulled the two away, carrying on their walking. "Fry!" Leela yelled, taking Derpy back into her arms "You have to be more careful; Derpy is too young to see something like that!" "I almost puked at that sight." Derpy added, her cheeks perking, but swallowed it down. "Oh, there there, Mama's here." Leela scratched behind Derpy's ears, calming her down "And you're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here." "I'm not a little kid, Leela." Fry replied "I grew up in this city. These are my people." He waved to slug looking alien "What up?" "Word!" the alien replied "See?" They entered the market and began look around. "Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human!" "What?" a clerk asked "You want human?" "We have a great sale on horse!" another added. Derpy's cheeks perked at it. She jumped out of Leela's arms, ran to the bathroom, and puked into the toilet. After she finished said, puking, she looked up and noticed that not only was she in the men's bathroom, but the same stallion from the other night & in her dream was next to her, using the sink to wash his forehooves. He stopped washing and turned to Derpy. They both stared at each other for a few moments, not sure what to say to each other. "...Did the Neptunian said they had a sale on horse?" Derpy nodded. "Saw a man selling human organs earlier?" Another nod. "Yeah... Phillip J. Fry is going to be there, believing he can get gills, just to let you know." He turned off the sink and entered the blue box again. "We shall technically meet each other for the first time, soon enough, Derpy." Derpy shook her head. "What!?" She asked "What the hell does that mean!?" "Language! You'll find out on the titanic!" He shut the door to him machine and exited the same way as last time. When it disappeared, Leela kicked the door open and grabbed Derpy. "Quick!" Leela yelled "We have some asses to kick!" After both Derpy & Leela kicked both kicked the asses of two men, who were trying to take Fry's gills, they were back in Planet Express's lounge room. Fry sat at the table while Leela walked around; both Derpy and Bender sat on the couch and watched Elzar. "What the hell were you doing!?" Leela scolded "I warned you to stay away from those guys." "Yeah!" Derpy added "Were it not for that strange stallion, you would have no lungs!" "Ooh! A Stallion!" Bender replied "Was it good looking?" Derpy turned to Bender, but had a recognizable blush on her cheeks. "Uh... No... maybe?" "I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela." Fry talked back to Leela "Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills?" "We'd be happier if you got a brain." Derpy replied. "Ooh!" Bender replied, covering his mouth with his hands. The door opened and Farnsworth entered "Good news, everyone!" The professor greeted. Derpy gasped "Is the Death clock ready!?" Derpy asked "I don't like the sound of that." Bender replied "Not yet," the professor replied "but you'll all be making a delivery to the planet Trisol-" "Here it comes." Bender commented again "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone." "Thank you, and goodnight." He drank some beer "Uh, Professor," Leela stammered "are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? "Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!" "Uh, Professor-" he shooed everyone away "Off you go. Pleasant trip! In the Ship's Cockpit, Zoidberg and Amy join the crew for the mission as Fry leaned back on his chair, Leela piloting the ship, and Derpy watching her in silence while taking notes. Bender was in Ship's Galley, wearing a chef hat and a new apron which has "To Serve Man" printed on it. Curious for herself, she peeked through the galley to see what Bender was cooking. "Hey, Bender," Fry shouted "how's dinner coming?" "Almost ready!" Bender replied. Derpy watched as he took a Neptunian slug out of a pot of boiling water, putting it on a plate and shoving an apple an apple in it's mouth. "Now for a dash of salt!" He coats the slug in salt and it shrivels up. "Uh-oh!" Derpy shivered at the sight and went back to the cockpit. In the ship's mess, the crew sat around a long table. Bender carves the tiny, deflated slug. "Listen," Leela whispered "this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK?" They all nodded and took a bit into their slug. "Oh, dear God!" Derpy screamed. She spat out the slug, followed by everyone else. "That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted!" Fry commented "And I've once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!" "Need...Water!!!" Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spat it out. "Bender! Is this salt water!?" Amy asked "It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean." Bender replied "My vision's fading!" Derpy spoke, her eyes going straight "I think I'm gonna die!" "There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose." "Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds." Zoidberg spoke. After some quick medical attention on everyone's huge dose of salt, they made it to the planet Trisol. Derpy sat on the floor, drinking her 10th water bottle, not even caring about her slightly bloated belly, just only to get rid of the salt inside her mouth. "OK, Fry," Leela replied, holding the package to him "here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one." She slaps Fry's hand, who was mimicking her with his hand. "Ow!" he whined "Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back." "Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing." He walks off without the package, but quickly returns for it. Derpy finished her bottle and breathed again. "Still salty!" She spoke "And Fry's gonna mess up!" "Really? What makes you think-?" "Oh you're on!" Bender replied, flashing his cash. "$500 says he won't mess up!" "Bender!" "Oh yeah!" Derpy replied "Well if Fry does mess up, not only will you have to pay me $500, but you'll have to attend a REAL cooking class with your won cash!" Bender gasped. "You bastard!!!" "What's wrong? Chicken!?" Bender's left eye twitched. "You are on!" Everyone entered the castle, where Fry sat on the throne with two Trisolian women at his side fanning him. Bender let out a moan of defeat, paying Derpy her cash. Derpy snickered to herself as she placed the money into her wallet. "So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid?" Leela asked in annoyance "It could have been poisonous acid!" "Told you." Derpy commented, putting her wallet away. "It could have been." Fry replied "But chances were equally good it was an Emperor." "Excuse me, Your Majesty," A Trisolian spoke with authority in his voice "I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject? "You might." "I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee." "I will be a forceful and effective administrator." another Trisolian spoke, this one sounding very nasal "You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister." Bender spoke "I gotta go with Bender." Fry said with no second guess "Yes! In your face, Gorgak!" "That's it!" Leela yelled "Fry, as your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head!" "Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister." Bender sat next to him, being cleaned by the female Trisolians. "Stay the course, pal!" Bender offered "Your Highness, a package came for you." Gorgak spoke, giving him the same package Fry was supposed to deliver earlier. "Hey, thanks!" He took the package and opens it. It was a sign saying 'Please Don't Drink The Emperor!' "Wow! This got here just in time." He hung it on the column next to his throne. Inside the place, Derpy, Fry, and Merg were in a room with shelves containing bottles of Trisolians. "This is Your Majesty's harem." Merg spoke "You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort." "Um, how about that one?" Fry pointed to a random bottle. "Oh! I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing!" "On second thought, I'll take that one." He points to another random bottle. "Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement." "Ooh! This one!" Derpy pulled a bottle out. "...Huh... I didn't realize she was from Japan. How old is she?" "I'm five years old!" They all stared at each other in silence. "You... may want to put that back." Inside the Trisol Palace Throne Room, The crew lounge around enjoying themselves as Leela paced around the room. "Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished?" Leela asked "You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela." Fry replied "We all know who you're talking about ... uh, me, right?" "I don't think you have anything to worry about." Amy replied "These people seem really mild-mannered." "They are mild." Zoidberg replied "In fact, you're soaking in one right now. Amy screamed and took her fingers out of the glass. Gorgak appears from it. "You touched me in ways I've never been touched before." He spoke. "...So I drank one of them!?" Derpy asked, followed by burping a random Trisol out. Merg Entered "Ah, there you are," he spoke "Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony." "A fancy dress gala!" Zoidberg exclaimed "I'll wear my formal shell." "Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase." "There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there?" Fry asked "Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you." "Will there be cake!?" "CAKE!!!" Derpy cheered. The crew and several Trisolians sat at a long table on stage in the Trisolian Banquet Hall, celebrating Fry's Pre-Coronation Gala. Some Trisolians perform on their own stage. Derpy enjoyed her cake as Leela was investigating around the place. Another Trisolian, this one a political satirist named Florp. His jokes, though Fry & the other Trisolian laughed at, didn't make the crew laugh. Derpy pulled out her notepad and wrote Florp down on people she'll need to take out before she dies. Leela came and whispered to Fry "Fry," she spoke "I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger." "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" Derpy pleaded, jumping and holding onto Leela's arm with her back legs dangling. The three walked into the Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings of past Trisolian Emperors. "You see Emperor Plon here?" Leela asked, pointing at a painting. "He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab. "So?" Fry asked "Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?" "80,000 years?" "No. One week." "Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low." Derpy facehoofed herself "Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next?" She pointed at Fry's portrait. Fry looked at some empty frames labelled "Fry's Assassin" and "Fry's Assassin's Assassin". "Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him." "You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation." "Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself." "No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory." "Like this?" Derpy asked, holding up a book called "Coronation Oath: Vol. 1". "Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later." Fry commented "That is completely reckless!" Leele snapped "Don't you ever think ahead!?" "Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus: All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race-car. Is any of this getting through to you?" "...WHAT!?!?!?" Derpy yelled "WHAT THE F-" "I give up!" Leela yelled "You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you." "Who asked you to?" Fry asked "I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper." Leela shouted and stormed off! "That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship." "I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me." "I can't even decide if this culture is matriarchy or patriarchy!" Derpy added, reading the book. "It's probably nothing." A panel slides across on a portrait and a Trisolian tries to drink Fry with a straw. He shoved it away in annoyance "Quit it!" On the Palace's Balcony, The Planet Express crew are gathered with Fry. Leela was nowhere and Derpy wondered if she should've left with her or not. Merg stood at a podium facing across the Trisolian surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to hear Fry's oath. "People of Trisol," He announced "it is my honor to present your new Emperor!" The Trisolians applauded as Fry stood up and took Merg's place on the podium. He cleared his throat. "What up?" Fry asked. Silence. "Stick to the oath." "Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant..." the time passed, and though Derpy was bored out of her mind. Her eyes became heavy, and she fell asleep. She had a dream that felt very weird, almost as if she lived that life before: she saw the same strange stallion having a drink of what looked liked beer, Derpy herself as a full grown mare with bubbles on her butt, and ponies everywhere. while the crowd wasn't the main attention, Derpy saw herself blushing & her wings popping up with the stallion in shock. She was in love with him. Before anything else can happen, she snorted herself awake and stood right up. The three suns were setting in the distance and the place became cooler. "-Who slurped Hudge the Dewy," Fry continued "who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honor and... insanity-- Uh, integrity!" "Congratulations, Your Highness." Merg spoke. He took Fry's shirt off. "I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry the Solid!" He puts the robe on Fry as the Trisolians cheered with the suns setting. "Hey, look." Bender pointed as the crew walked behind Fry "The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor!" He pulled out a bottle from his chest cabinet. As the three suns set, the Trisolians begin to glow and turn into a lighter shade of blue. "Check out the glowing freaks!" "It's beautiful!" Derpy commented in awe at the sight. "Hey, what's that?" Fry's stomach turns blue and grows a face. Everyone gasped as the Trisolians quickly return to normal shade. "The Emperor Bont!" Merg shouted "He's still alive!" "Of course I'm alive!" Bont yelled "Now cut this creep open and drain me out!" The Guards close in on Fry, who clutches his stomach. "My tummy hurts!" Fry whimpered "RUN!!!" Derpy yelled. The all ran up the stairs into the royal throne room. "They're over here!" Bont yelled "they're running up the stairs." "Shut up, you!" Bender yelled, punching both Bont and Fry. They ran inside and bolt the door. "Let us in!" Merg yelled "Fry must die so that Bont may live!" "What am I gonna do?" Fry panicked "We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you!" Amy pointed "Relax, Fry." Zoidberg replied "I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness. "But won't that crush his bones?" Derpy asked "Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones." "Hey, why don't you just sweat him out?" Bender suggested "Forget it!" Bont yelled "As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit. "I could vomit or urinate." Fry suggested "Would you feel better about that?" "Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing." "What about crying?" Amy suggested "That's a great idea! Crying." "Fine." Bont agreed "That or the bone one." Derpy gasped, followed by Bender's evil laughter. "I know just the thing!" Derpy spoke, running into a different room. After a while, Derpy came back, dragging a large sack. She opened it and in the sack were objects such as hammers, chairs, baseball bats, and a boombox. "What's this crap?" Bender asked "This," Derpy answered "Is how we're going to get the emperor out. ... HOLD HIM DOWN!!!" "What the-!?" Fry yelled, but was quickly tacked by everyone. Derpy turned on the boombox, and a very appropriate song played for what she was gonna do. "Derpy! What are you-!?" "Spread his legs!" Fry watched as his legs were spread open and Derpy walked with a hammer in her mouth. "NO!!! Derpy!!! Please!!! Anything but-" When 'X Gon Give it to ya' played, Derpy slammed the hammer onto Fry's crotch, making him scream like a woman as tears fell down his face. "NOW KICK HIS ASS!!!" Everyone began to bring their form of pain from Zoidberg using his claws, Bender putting a lit cigar on Fry's ass, and Amy pulling his hair, all of which made Cry pour tears and, with it, the emperor. Many of the objects were used, Bender smashing & breaking a chair on Fry with Amy using the baseball bat on him. Though Fry was in tremendous pain and crying really hard, Derpy found this to be really fun, especially when she imagined him as Zapp Branigan. Leela sat in the cockpit of the Planet Express ship, but heard the door opened. Walking inside was a beaten up with hair torn out Fry, still crying, followed by Everyone, though Derpy now sported sunglasses. "Fry!?" Leela asked in surprise "What happened to you!?" "...I'm sorry." he replied before falling unconscious. Derpy giggled mischievously. "What did you do?" "The emperor was still alive," Amy replied "and we had Fry cry him out." "It was fun!" Bender added "You should've been there!" "He'll fit into Skinny jeans now!" Derpy added, smiling innocently. Leela stared, then turned around. "Well, whatever you did, I hope he learned his lesson." "I'm sure he did. My baseball bat is ready!" She turned back, but rolled her eye and piloted the ship away. Derpy pulled out her boombox and played another song, dancing to it while putting on a gold chain and a baseball cap. "Thug life!"