//------------------------------//
// Chapter Eight: Dank Memes 
// Story: Llamas: A Drama 
// by SkelePone 
//------------------------------//


LLAMAS
a drama

CHAPTER EIGHT: DANK MEMES

by SkelePone






Pepe Fouchan is widely believed to be a very simple-minded llama.

A very simple-minded creature in general.

Pepe’s mother had always said it’s because he was struck by lightning at a young age. Ever since that terrible moment, he had spouted nothing but absolute nonsense. To every llama of the herd, that lightning strike had cursed him. Made him stupid. But Pepe felt that he was suddenly smarter than every other llama. So much information flowed through his mind. Dank memes, copypastas, hashtags. He was suddenly, in the matter of seconds, the smartest llama in the entire herd. Maybe even in all of Equestria.

His only problem was that he couldn’t speak normally. He could relay the information blasting across his brain, yes. But he couldn’t make what seemed like idiotic nonsense into anything coherent. At first, his spouts of nonsense were taken seriously. His last name had been changed to ‘Four-Chan’ like he had requested, even if it was corrupted to ‘Fouchan’ by the llama dialect. Eventually, llamas began to realize he appeared to be nothing but a braindead moron.

So he was doomed, destined to live a fate where no llama would ever care for him. Or see him as anything beyond a freak.

Pepe eventually became a Pack llama. It was all they thought he could ever be. He was too stupid to be anything else. And the members of his family made sure to tell him that. Frequently.

His father had been a Pack llama, anyways. As had his mother. He was bred to be one.

And he was a strong one. He would have been famed for the weights he could carry, almost ten times his own body weight, but his family was so ashamed of him that the restricted him from carrying anything that would bring special attention to him.

His family was so inhibiting. They were so embarrassed by Pepe’s behavior that it was no wonder to any of the herd (and to the enormous relief of Pepe’s family) that the green llama was to go along with Poncho in hopes of going to a better place, among the ponies. Maybe even somewhere where he would be accepted.

Or even, he dared to hope, where he could be loved.

Of course, the journey to Ponyville had been taken in stride. Besides the whole fainting in the desert part. He didn’t really like that bit.

And, of course, Pepe had been very disappointed to learn that nopony else had the same problems as he had. The only pony he felt he could even wish to relate to was the hyper pink mare he had met. Pinkie Pie. Vicuña had claimed that he had fallen in love with Princess Twilight on that day. Well, Pepe had fallen in love with a pony who was almost completely the opposite of the lavender alicorn.

He was walking home one day with Rico, the little cria limping along beside Pepe. Rico was the only llama who was truly kind to Pepe. Maybe it was because the little one thought he was funny. Maybe because Rico was just innocent. But Rico was Pepe’s best friend.

“So what are we gonna do when we get home, Pepe?” Rico asked, gazing up at the tall green llama with wide eyes.

“360 no scope some noobs.” Pepe suggested. Rico nodded and considered that.

“I dunno. Sounds dangerous. Maybe we could just play some cards? Poker again?” Rico asked. Pepe nodded. That was a bit more what he had been trying to say. The two llamas walked side by side down the empty streets.

From around a corner came three giggling pony fillies. An orange pegasus, a white unicorn, and a yellow Earth pony. Pepe and Rico stopped let them pass by. They were all wearing strange red capes with blue symbols over where their flanks were. Rico watched them longingly as they ran off laughing. Pepe reached out and tapped the cria’s shoulder with a cloven hoof.

“Keep Calm and Dank Memes.” Pepe said comfortingly. Then he ushered Rico after the fillies. Rico smiled up at Pepe and gave the big green llama a hug.

“Thanks, Pepe. I’ll see ya later!” And with that, the cria limped off as fast as he could after the laughing ponies. Pepe smirked to himself as he continued on his way towards the cottage. Little Rico was growing up so fast.

It was while Pepe was thinking to himself about making his own friends when he bumped into a certain somepony as she walked out of Sugarcube Corner. Upon realizing who it was, Pepe was ecstatic.

“Oh hi! Pepe, right?” Pinkie Pie cried started to trot beside Pepe. The green llama felt his heart skip a beat. She had remembered his name.

“Yes, I am the rarest of Pepes.” Damn it! Why did he always screw it up! Pepe felt like crying, but to his surprise, Pinkie Pie giggled. She thought he was funny? She thought he was funny! Pepe beamed brightly.

“You’re pretty silly, Pepe.”

“Ayy lmao.”

“Ayy!” She giggled again. Pepe’s heart started to tap dance in his chest and they bounced down the dirt street together, he carrying a ton of groceries that Poncho had ordered him to pick up. The dark green llama and the vividly pink mare began to chat together. Or rather, as well as Pepe could chat.

“And then I said ‘Oatmeal? Are you crazy?!’” Both of them cackled loudly.

“4-20 blaze it.” Pepe chuckled.

The two were so engrossed with their exchange of jokes and odd nonsense that they didn’t notice the giant bulky pegasus until Pinkie Pie slammed into his side. She hadn’t so much as made him flinch as she tumbled to the ground. Pepe stopped his prancing to help her up. Like a proper gentlellama.

The big white pegasus glared down at Pinkie Pie with red eyes full of hatred. He pulled his lips 
into a snarl. She squeed. Pepe smiled. Maybe this was a new friend? Pepe realized that that was very, very untrue as the pegasus stallion reared up and towered over Pinkie Pie.

“Watch where you’re going, you annoying little pink freak.”

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a green blur swooped past Pinkie Pie and met the pegasus in a great body-slam, with enough momentum to send the goliath crashing to the ground. Pepe sneered down at the fallen stallion, standing atop of him. Suddenly, the green packing llama started to speak.

Very, very quickly. 

Even faster than Pinkie Pie was notorious for.

“What the buck did you just bucking say about her, you little filly? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Royal Guard Academy, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Paca, and I have over three hundred confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire Royal Guard. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the buck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this planet, mark my bucking words. You think you can get away with saying that crap to her over the Internet? Think again, mother-bucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Equestria and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re bucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hooves. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Equestrian Royal Guard and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable flank off the face of the continent, you little filly. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ‘clever’ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your bucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you Celestia-damned idiot. I will crap fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re bucking dead, kiddo.”

The white pegasus gulped and a trickle of sweat made its way down his brow.

“O-O-Okay… s-sorry… p-please get off of me n-now.”

Pepe complied, slipping down to stand beside Pinkie. The white pegasus bolted upright and galloped as fast as he could away from the llama and the mare. Pinkie let out a squeal and wrapped Pepe in a big hug.

“Thanks Pepe! That was really cool!”

Pepe just grinned blankly. She was hugging him.

“Send noodz.”





Pepe and Pinkie Pie bounded together into the llama’s cottage, startling Poncho.

“Hello, Pepe. I was wondering where you had gotten to. What took you so long?”

Then the llama noticed Pinkie Pie. Poncho’s face suddenly stretched into what Pepe thought was a smile that was so wide it looked rather painful. Then Pepe remembered that Pinkie Pie was an Element of Harmony. One of those important things that Poncho was so desperate to make a good impression on. Pepe wondered to himself if he had impressed Pinkie.

“Hello, Missus Pie! It’s a delight to see you again.” Poncho announced as he bowed low. Pepe thought that Poncho was quite the suck-up.

“Hi, Ponchy! You mind if I call you Ponchy? And Pepe here’s my new friend! He’s soooooo funny! I love him!” Pepe felt his heart stop. It’s not what you think it is, he thought to himself. “He’s the best! Why didn’t you tell me Pepe was so cool? And he’s so strong, too!” She turned and batted her eyes at Pepe. The green llama’s cheeks turned red and he almost fainted. Instead, he gave a weak smile.

Pinkie Pie then gave Poncho a word-for-word firsthoof account on what they had been through on the walk to the llamas’ house. Poncho listened to the whole story, looking at Pepe with a peculiar face. When Pinkie had said her good-byes, hugging Poncho and giving Pepe a peck on the cheek (Pepe swore to himself he’d never wash that cheek again), Poncho took the groceries from the Pack llama and busied himself with putting them away.

Pepe stood about awkwardly.

“So,” Poncho said finally, still focused on putting away the food, “you interested in that mare?”

Pepe gulped.

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.” He mumbled.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Poncho said, his voice emotionless. Was he going to forbid Pepe from seeking out Pinkie Pie?

“Well,” Poncho said as he turned to Pepe, “good luck with that.”

Pepe nodded.

“Gotta go fast.”