//------------------------------// // I Dress for Success // Story: I Am The Night(mare)! And so is Luna? // by LordBrony2040 //------------------------------// Six days later, and I was starting to think of petitioning Tia to increase the hours in the day. Six days later, and I still hadn’t met with Moondancer to see if she wanted to work for a goddess. Six days later, and I was still trying to get four of the projects me and Luna had worked out off the ground. Six days later, and I still hadn’t found Sunset’s book despite walking up and down every single aisle in the castle library to see if it had been misplaced in there somewhere. And six days later, the Mane Six were having yet another little crisis that I just had to get involved in because, well…I’m just too damn nice. A crises that, of course, involved Rarity. “BOOOOOOOOO!” several ponies shouted as they threw cups of staining soda, popcorn, and whatever other food was around. The target of their anger was a white unicorn standing up on a stage, and the five mares behind her, dressed in the most ghastly outfits imaginable. Seriously, they were bad. I didn’t know if it was Rarity’s perceptions just making the stupidity of the dresses reach a whole new level of suck, or if the show had simply been unable to properly display the crime against fashion that the girls were wearing. As for the four-legged marshmallow herself, she was on the stage waving her forelegs around like crazy. “No! Everypony listen to me, please!” “This dresses are horrible!” one of the ponies in the shadow-shrouded crowed shouted. “What idiot designed them?” another one demanded. “Whoever made those things needs to be arrested by the fashion police!” a third added. Then, a pony emerged from the crowd. He was a stallion with a silvery mane and gray coat, wearing dark glasses and several little bits of bling. As soon he appeared, the barrage of food and drink stopped, as did Rarity. She simply looked at Hoity-Toity in fear. “These are the absolute worst things I have ever seen! I’ll see to it that you are barred from the fashion industry, FOR LIFE!” Up on the cloud I was using to stand on, I cracked my fetlocks in preparation for completely destroying the representation of the stallion below me. But when I stepped forward to utterly annihilate it for making Rarity cower on the floor of the stage like she was doing, Luna held up a hoof to stop me. “Luna!” I yelled at the smaller alicorn with her dark blue coat and decidedly less than cute appearance. Considering how she was just letting Rarity suffer, I was going to give her ego a beating after we went to bed. A night of being stuck in a high chair and being played around with like a baby for a night would teach her not to let poor little unicorn ponies suffer from their own fears! The slightly smaller alicorn rolled her eyes. “And this is why you are the apprentice,” she told me before motioning back down to the scene. “All of her thoughts and fears have yet to be revealed. Now sit, and wait.” I frowned, but plopped my pony plot down anyway to watch. Not that it would do any good. I’d seen the episode, I knew Rarity was going to get all weepy and then go into exile. There was no need for me to let her fears get that far. Down on the stage, Twilight stepped forward with a hurt expression on her face. “Rarity? You mean…our dresses are…awful?” Then came Rainbow Dash. “How could you let us go out in them?” “I’m humiliated!” Fluttershy cried. “Why didn’t ya tell us?” Applejack asked. As the exchange finished, Rarity collapsed into a sobbing fit. “B-But I made them just the way you wanted me to!” The sight of her hurt friends and Rarity crying…surprised the hell out of me. Sure the girls had been a little embarrassed about their dresses, but I didn’t remember any of the Mane Six saying anything about being embarrassed by them like Rarity was. “Now you may go,” Luna told me while Rarity’s friends started to go on and on about how wearing the dresses they had on in public completely destroyed their image, made it so Princess Celestia hated them, forced the animals to run away, and caused Applejack’s family to disown her. Which I did. I leaped from the cloud and aimed right for the dream-pony that started this whole mess. “Five-hundred-plus pound alicorn TO THE FACE!” I shouted before crashing down into the fancy pony’s head and completely annihilating it before I turned to face the crowd of shadow ponies and flapped my wings a few times. A baleful wind picked up, and blew the mass of darkness in front of me away, leaving an empty Ponyville. All of which didn’t do unnoticed by Rarity. She looked up at me in confusion. “Nightmare Moon?” Then there was a bright flash behind her, and Luna appeared in front of the forms of Rarity’s friends, frozen in time. “Greetings Rarity. We felt thy distress and-” she suddenly paused, and frowned. “What is it?” With her back to me, I couldn’t see Rarity’s face, but there was plenty of confusion evident in her voice as she raised a hoof to lazily point at the goddess. “Who’re you?” Luna blinked at the question, and her regal demeanor vanished, replaced by an annoyed frown. “I’m Princess Luna.” “But…” Rarity looked back at me. “I thought the two of you shared the same body. “How can you be here, if Nightmare Moon is over there? Did the two of you finally find a way to separate?” With the annoyed look still on her face, the Princess of the Night groaned. “Well if you want to be technical, I still am over there too. This is merely a dream construct created my Nightmare Moon and controlled by my magic. A kind of magical marionette, if you will.” “Oh,” she mumbled as she looked back and forth between the two of us. “But then…what are you doing here?” I cocked an eyebrow. “You’re having a nightmare about the end of your career and our friends suffering thanks to those dresses, and you're wondering why we’re here?” my rhetorical question went. “Rares, I’d tell you to get some sleep, but…we’re already in lala land.” “And slumber does not always mean rest Nightmare,” Luna told me before she looked back down to Rarity. Her expression softened considerably. “Now my little pony, why don’t you tell me what is wrong?” Which opened the floodgates, and I mean that literally. Halfway through the story about how Rarity had made an original dress for her friends, she broke down into tears about how her life was ruined now that Spike had invited Hoity Toity to Ponyville for the fashion show when he had seen him in Canterlot Castle while delivering the results of Twilight’s latest magical project. Apparently, just being within five feet of royalty meant that all the ponies valued your opinion, no matter how uneducated. Seriously though, Rarity was an unknown in the fashion world. Why in the hell would the top fashion critic in Equestria bother with checking out her line? “And-and the dresses are so ug-ly!” Rarity wailed before going into another hyperventilation fit that Luna calmed down with a gentle wing across the unicorn’s back. And it worked…until she looked up at Luna and started talking again. “But I can’t tell them that! They’re so proud of them, and they’re their first real artistic creation! Do you know what happen if somepony said the very first thing you ever designed was hideous? DO YOU?” Luna raised her hoof to place it on Rarity’s shoulder, and gently push her down until their muzzles were more than the centimeter apart they had been by the end of the unicorn’s panicked rant. “Calm thyself Rarity.” The little unicorn looked up to Luna, and then over to her dream girls. “But…the dresses…my career…my friends,” she whined softly. “They’ll be devastated.” “No Rarity. We will take care of this,” the goddess assured her slowly. “I give you my word that everything will be fine. Thy career will be unmarred, and those you hold dear will walk away from this with their images intact. What matters now is that you get some rest. We shall remain with thee until the dawn breaks to insure this, understand?” As Rarity nodded, and the vision of her friends disappeared, I just to just stand there with wide eyes that stared at the little unicorn. Getting upset about the black mark on her business, I could understand. But feeling guilty about how the creative spirits of her friends were going to crash and burn were a surprise, and so was the fact that she was more upset about that than her own career. Thus died any ability I would ever have to be angry at the unicorn. She might have sounded like she was from Canterlot half the time, but that girl was anything but one of those snobs. So I decided to throw my two bits into the conversation as I trotted up to her. “So Rarity, what happened to the first set dresses you made for the girls?” I asked to try and guide her towards a more favorable topic of discussion. If my little marshmallow was going to get a good night’s sleep, she would have to start thinking some happy thoughts. “You didn’t, like…modify them into those things, did you?” Rarity shook her head. “Oh heavens no! These were so different from the originals I had to start from the ground up.” We spent the rest of the night listening to Rarity go on about her dresses, and watched as she gave us a little fashion show. While Luna was impressed and complimented the designs, I was…I dunno…bored with the whole thing. Turns out I just wasn’t the type of girl that like all those gowns and junk. Who knew? “You want me to reschedule all of your meetings?” Sparkler exclaimed as I held the little pony close to my chest. “Your Highness, that’s-” I let out a groan and rolled over until I was pressing down on the young mare with the full weight of my authority…and body. “Sparkler, from time to time, something is going to come up that me and Luna are just going to have to attend to. This is one of them. Just tell everypony that they’ll have to push their meeting with me back until tomorrow. Don’t worry, you’ll still get paid. Just think of it as a mini-vacation.” “But-but, what about the meeting you have with the head of the Equestrian Historical Society?” I rolled my eyes. “Well considering they’ve never even heard of Luna, I don’t really think they’re all that important, right Lulu?” I asked before she agreed and that was moved back. About the only thing I wanted to do with them was demand why Equestrian history was so full of holes during the time of the Two Princesses. Especially how they had forgotten about the fact that there had been TWO PRINCESSES! “The opening of the Filly Scout Jamberee!” That one made me hesitate a little. It was for the children after all. But, they were kids, they had a whole lifetime of cancellations to look forward to. So it was best to start getting used to them early and all that. I was struck speechless for so long that Luna handled it. “Minuette, draft a letter of apology for us to be signed by our horn. Little Sparkler, make room in our schedule to appear at the closing of the ceremony. And Twinkleshine, order fireworks for us to ignite during the event. Foals still enjoy big explosions, do they not?”  “And there’s this interview with…Moon…Dancer? That one’s just hours away.” Sparkler read as she tried to get a better viewing angle of the little notebook in front of her. It looked like I was going to have to let her up soon. Luna spoke before I could again. “A trivial matter. She will just have to wait until we have time.” I tensed, and rolled off to my side to let Sparkler up and kind of talk to Luna in private. Ditching a pony with possible abandonment issues probably wasn’t a good idea for her continued mental health. “Uh…Luna? I think we should meet with her.” “Why?” she asked. “We must speak with Sister and give orders to our guard since we will be late for training.” The mention of training made me groan, and I had a sinking feeling about what Luna would have me doing in exchange for taking a night off. But I kept my mind on the task at hand. “Look, it’s okay to blow off groups of ponies, but when you do it to a single Equestrian, it’s…I don’t know, more personal. Plus, it did take the girls a little while to get in touch with her.” The unicorn apparently spent a lot of time away from home. Luna took over our mouth and let out an annoyed sigh. “Very well Nightmare. I shall acquiesce to your request,” she said before directing me over to Sparkler. “And Sparkler, see to it that the royal chef prepares you a meal to take home for later tonight. I shan’t forget the promise made to Madam Derpy about thy diet.” The unicorn in question bowed her head. “Yes your Highness.” The breaking of our morning fast was pleasant enough. With her only job being to keep me on track, Sparkler didn’t have an excuse to duck out and run away from brunch with Celestia. Which also meant that she got two good meals prepared by a gourmet chef with orders to provide nutritional value in no uncertain terms by an irate nightmare goddess. The topic of discussion was one marshmallow unicorn’s career, and how it was going to soon be going up in flames. Horrible, tacky flames. Okay sure, everything worked out well in the end because the reviewer got dragged to Rarity’s boutique for a second showing, but that was beside the point! Twilight and the others still went out to look like idiots while smearing Rarity’s fashion sense in the eyes of every single pony in Ponyville. If I could spare them that, and weeks of lost business for the unicorn that put it all together, then I would. And I would do that by making Celestia do something about it. “I’m not sure as to what we are supposed to do about it,” Ms ‘I don’t give a damn about the ponies by baby sister owes everything to’ said after she swallowed some of her…whatever the heck she was eating. It looked like a genetic splicing of jello and lettuce. “And I’m sure that Rarity will be able to cope with one bad review.” I snorted at Tia. One of those snorts that only a horse could do. “One bad review can kill a business as small as hers!” I exclaimed while wildly waving one of my hooves around. “Come on Celestia, can’t you just…take five minutes to show up and order Twilight and the others not to wear those dresses?” The alicorn looked up from her…wobbly lettuce and gave me a deadpan look. “Nightmare.” “Yes?” I replied, somewhat hopeful. “You want me to fly to Ponyville.” “That’s right.” I nodded. “Meet with Twilight, and the rest of our friends,” she went on in the strangely dead tone. “Yep.” “And use my royal authority to force them not to wear the dresses that they themselves designed?” she finished. “Glad we’ve made it all perfectly clear,” I replied with a smile. “So, you gonna do it now, or later?” Celestia sighed, and looked over to the two ponies sitting on her side of the table. “Cadance? Shining Armor? Would either of you care to explain to her all the reasons this would be a bad idea?” she asked evenly. The pink princess shared an apprehensive look with her boy toy, and then turned her head to face me. “Nighty,” Cadance spoke up, using a nickname she had come up with about two days ago since Nightmare just sounded too dark to her. And, as women’s lingerie didn’t really exist in Equestria, I couldn’t really give her a reason not to call me that. On the upside, at least it was sexy lingerie. I don’t think I could take being referred to as bloomers. Before Cadance could speak a single word of her argument, Luna set into motion the plan she and myself had managed to concoct after she successfully predicted her sister’s uncaring attitude towards the plight of our most dear friends. The owner of our body released a spell, rearranging the light particles above our head to display five  different images of the ponies we were discussing. Cadance let out a shriek and fell back out of her chair. “GAAAAH! What are those things?” Shining Armor gazed up at the image of his little sister with an almost-hateful sneer on his face. “Twily’s actually going to go out in public with that on?” “Auntie, you have to do something!” the pink alicorn pleaded as she got to her hooves. After sparing a glance at Cadance to look at the other princess’s face, Celestia let out a loud sigh and rubbed the space between her eyes with her hoof. “Fine. You win,” she relented. “But I’m not going to just tell them not to wear the dresses. There is a much better solution for everypony involved.” I shrugged, but could see Tia’s point. Now that I gave it a few seconds of thought, it really didn’t sound like a good idea to have the god-queen of three races just show up and tell you your designing skills sucked. That would be even more traumatic than being booed off stage. No, we needed was a unicorn who could teleport. He could break into Rarity’s place, steal the dress for a covert bonfire, and then get back to Canterlot before anyone was the wiser. Then the girls would have to wear Rarity’s dress in the fashion show, see how much better they were, and everyone would be happy. Friendship problem solved! But before I could run this idea past Tia, Sparkler cleared her throat. “Um Princess, you’re going to miss your lunch date with Ms Moondancer if we wait around here any longer.” I let out a long sigh and looked over to my scheduling aide. It was times like these that I hated the fact I was only up and around for half a day. And lately, it seemed that I was getting stuck with more and more useless princess business instead of something important, like finding a dusty old book that would let Tia and Sunny become penpals until I just casually asked how she couldn’t force the portal open using the connection between the two magical artifacts. Then I actually realized what Sparky had said, and looked over to the cute little unicorn sitting at my side. “Wait a second, what do you mean lunch date?” I asked as Luna cut the magic in our horn and the images she had been generating disappeared. “We just ate.” Sparkler blanched. “Um…sorry, I just saw the one o’clock time slot and with the way the Nightmare-you likes to be so informal, it would be a good setting to talk to another pony rather than-” “Fear not my little pony,” Luna told her as she seized control of her voice box. “Thy decision is fine. We shall simply skip dessert at this meal, and have it at our destination.” After Sparkler got done panicking over her apparent failure to the moon goddess that nearly wiped out all life on the planet for the last little slight she had been given, Luna relinquished control of her mouth and I asked the obvious question. “So, where we going anyway?” The Gilded Truffle was a pretty upscale restaurant, even by Canterlot standards. Instead of a little chair or just having ponies park their bare butts on the ground, a silk pillow was provided at each place on the table, and I even saw a busboy switching them out along with the dirty plates for the next bunch of guests. Electric lights illuminated the room to show off numerous paintings that had a bit of magic in them, which either made it seem like the wind was blowing or the water was running, depending on the scenery. But we didn’t have a place in the main room. No, for a princess who actually made a reservation ahead of time, the staff gave Luna and me a private dining room that looked like it was made for a party of twenty-plus ponies. They even put in an extra large cushion for our princess plot along with a table that was high enough for us not to bend down to take a bite of whatever it was we were going to order. And then there was the little unicorn waiting for us, which actually made me stop before going in. This was because of her appearance. Which was just like it had been in the show: a rather ratty sweater, funky hairstyle, and taped glasses. As for the rest of her, while the color scheme was reminiscent of Twilight, the body type was just a bit off, but still enough so that anyone looking at the two side by side and painted purple would have been able to tell the difference. The difference being that Moondancer was a bit…pudgier than Twilight. Whether it was from the fact that Twilight probably had to run around more, or Moondancer had just been on a few eating binges since severing contact with her friends, I had no idea. But the fact remained that she had a few more pounds on her than the purple pony did. The moment the door was opened, she looked up from her menu and just stared for one, two, three seconds before the magic around her horn went out and Moondancer’s menu dropped along with her mouth. As the shocked pony continued to stare at us, I looked over to the waiter and took the menu from him before ordering the little pony to come back in five minutes. Then I moved Luna’s body over to the other side of the resized table that Moondancer could barely see over, and sat down. “You know, a bug might fly into that mouth of yours if you don’t close it,” I told her evenly before glancing at the dessert menu so Luna could read it. I didn’t really mean to sound as cold as I did, but seeing a pony come in what she was wearing to a royal interview kind of pissed me off a bit. “I…um…you…you’re here,” the little unicorn said in a dumbfounded voice. I looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. Luna was the one who did the talking. “Did you not receive the summons from my hoofmaiden Minuette? She did contact you under my authority, correct?” Moondancer continued to look at us in disbelief. “I…um…well, Minuette has this thing for really weird pranks, and I haven’t seen her in such a long time-” “You suspected her of forging a royal seal?” Luna asked, confusion evident in her own voice as well. I had a much more important question on my mind than Luna’s, and needed an answer before we could continue. That sweater of hers was driving me crazy. “Is that why you came to a meeting with royalty dressed in a sweater with threads sticking out of it?” I asked while pointing a hoof to the offending piece of clothing in question. I had to guess that my sudden change in tone, demeanor, and the complete absence of the snooty Canterlot accent threw Moondancer off, because her head tilted to the side, and she just went, “Huh?” “Nightmare!” Luna chided me as she looked away from the little pony. “Now is not the time for thy odd questions.” A roll of our eyes hopefully made Luna a bit dizzy as I took back control of her mouth. “It’s not odd! A pony wearing something like that while coming to a meeting with royalty deserves to be questioned,” I countered. “I mean, I can understand the glasses, but when it’s socially acceptable to walk around naked, you don’t meet with a princess who’s offering you a job while wearing a sweater.” “Um…” Luna just went right over Moondancer’s attempted interruption. “Her garment is no more odd than half the things I have seen since my return.” “…excuse me…” I snorted. “Are you kidding me? You spent hours talking fashion with Rarity last night, and you don’t see something wrong with the filly who wears a sweater to a job interview?” “Neigh, I do not,” Luna replied evenly. “………w-what’s going on?” It was the stutter that did it, that little showing of fear displayed verbally. We probably could have ignored the pony for hours if not for that. She was hardly a Mane Six pony after all, or even one of the lovable quadrupeds from Ponyville. But that little worry in her voice shut me up faster than a…thing that shuts horses up really fast. “Oh um…well, you see…” Thus began the rather lengthily process of explaining to Moondancer the fact that Nightmare Moon was back along with Luna, although I was a very different Nightmare Moon than the monster that had given the citizens of Equestria nightmares for so many years. Being an eggheaded pony, she had several questions for us, like how I could store my memories separate from Luna if we both shared the same body, the combined depths of our mana well, and why the hell Luna kept switching back from ye olden vernacular and regular speech. My explanations were… “It’s magic, I ain’t gotta explain nothing’!” Which made the little pony get on a soap box about how magic was very explainable for a good five minutes. “Over nine-thousand.” And… “Despite the change in my surrounding and immersion into a dialect of Equish that is nearly as alien to me as griffon-speak, I still hold to the proper grammer as best I am able, despite attempts from my other half and sister.” Okay, the last one was Luna’s answer, but still… We went over a lot of things, like how we simply expected Moondancer to serve as our walking wikipedia, basic gossip about what Twilight had been up to since she just disappeared from Canterlot without warning, and her expected work hours/salary. I decided to leave off my need to find a book I had no title to and was just browsing the Canterlot Archives to find. Then came the obvious question from Moondancer… “But I don’t understand, if Nightmare Moon has a basic working knowledge of Equestria despite her memory loss, wouldn’t she instinctively know anything I could tell either of you?” …that was followed by our rather embarrassing answer. “While Nighty does possess a great amount of intelligence and wisdom, there are some rather odd gaps in the strangest places that would allow us to benefit from an assistant such as yourself,” Luna said. I looked around and frowned at her, or her shoulder at least. “What odd gaps?” Luna spun our head to the left shoulder. “Dost thou not remember our second night within the castle and the incident in our personal lavatory?” “You’re bringing that up?” I deadpanned after moving Luna’s head around and fixing her shoulder with a frown. “That’s completely irrelevant for this conversation!” “Thou did know how to use the lavatory!” Luna decried. “Neither did you!” I shot back. “I did not know what the strange handle was for,” Luna said curtly before raising her volume. “You did not know how to relieve us! I had to instruct thee on the proper form to pee!” “Umm, excuse me…Princesses?” Moondancer asked. I turned to look back at the little pony. “Luna’s the princess, I’m just her advisor,” I explained before giving her a little smile. “So…you want the job Moondancer?” Not that I had any hopes of her saying yes now. When me and Luna fought in front of a newbie, it tended to frighten the pony for some reason. So, even though I didn’t get the exact cause of her nervousness, I wasn’t confused at the fact that she was on edge as she started speaking while looking down at her half-finished plate of food. “If I accept…I’ll get to see Minuette and Twinkleshine again? All day? And Twilight and Lemon Hearts too?” I shrugged. “Well the first two are a definite yes, and Lemon Hearts just works in the castle, not for us. But I’m sure you’ll run into her,” I said. “And Twilight, well if you want to follow us to Ponyville…sure, why not?” I know it was kind of manipulative, but I didn’t also mention that there was nothing stopping the little unicorn from seeing her friends on her own NOW. But…anything to get a pony that might have had a chance of finding Sunset’s lost journal under my control. “Then I’ll do it!” she said with a little more enthusiasm than I was expecting. She even put her forelegs up on the table for crying out loud! That was a little bold for a shut-in bookworm with no life. Luna nodded for us. “Very good. We will expect you at the castle three days hence at eleven. Your friends will tell you what to expect.” With Moondancer taken care of, I went back to the castle to pick up Sparkler and boarded the batmobile to head off to Ponyville as fast as my sleepy bat ponies could carry Luna’s enlarged body. Once there, we were greeted by a fair amount of hellos, waves and cheers that the Princess of the Night soaked up like a dry sponge. It was almost sad how much she treasured a simple hello from another pony. But, I couldn’t get distracted by asking Luna personal questions that could wait until later tonight. I had a job to do. A mission! No, a quest! During my last visit to the town of Ponyville, I found that Fluttershy had crawled back into her shell when it came to ponies twice as big as her. Even Tia had gotten a timid reaction from the poor pegasus. And that was just…unacceptable! So, I needed to fix this and make things right before Celestia brought that damn bird of hers around to fucking traumatize Fluttershy. I, quite possibly the scariest-looking pony alive, needed to befriend her! And I needed to do it before the fashion show tonight. Thus my trip to Ponyville being a few hours before sundown. I marched Luna through the town and offered a few polite hellos in return for the various greetings the numerous ponies gave us as I headed towards Fluttershy’s house. With the reason I simply didn’t land right there being I didn’t want my bat ponies to scare her or the various animals around her cottage. I needed them for my plan after all. Then, came something to trip up my plan, threatening to ruin it altogether in a mass of fast moving…fastness as it crashed into me. And no, it wasn’t Rainbow Dash. This particular blur of speeding energy actually meant to crash into me with a cry of-“BLACK SNOOTY!” Pinkie Pie shouted just in time for me to turn and raise my forelegs in a defense to grab the pink pony and lift her up. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help but be happy at seeing the Pie pony. “Pinkie!” I said before hugging her close for a few moments and letting her go. Limited timetable or not, one always had to make room for Pinkie Pie. “What’cha doing back in Ponyville Snooty?” Pinkie asked. “Pinkamina,” Luna spoke up before I could respond. “While I did find thy nickname of the original Nightmare Moon quite amusing, I do not believe that it truly fits her reformed self. While still dark in coloration, Nighty is not very snooty. Do you not agree?” The pink pony blinked. “No, I do not-not agree. But I don’t think she’s very snooty either,” she said before she sat down and tapped her chin with a hoof. “And Nighty does sound cuter than snooty, and you two really do need something to make you cute because…” she leaned in closer. “The slit eyes and sharp teeth are really ruining it for you two. Just try to make a puppy-dog pout face!” I blinked at the mirror Pinkie just pulled out of her hair, and sighed before pushing it away. “Okay Pinkie, we talked about this. You’re starting to do that thing where you just start talking about stuff so random that nopony else can follow and it pushes ponies away from you again.” Pinkie’s eyes went wide for a second, and then she gave me a smile. “Oh, okay. Thanks for the warning Nighty.” I frowned at her. “You’re not going to stop calling me that now, are you?” A shake of her head was Pinkie's reply at first. “Nope! Princess Luna was right about how it’s better for you than Snooty.” “I thought you said Snooty was a better name for me,” I deadpanned. Not that I even knew why I was continuing the conversation at this point. Spending too much time with Pinkie was probably detrimental to my sanity. Which also meant I needed to get Luna out of there too. The last thing we needed was for her to get us possessed by Nightmare Moon again. And…the fact I was actually considering that to be a possibility was proof enough that Pinkie Pie really was rotting my non-existent brain. “No, I said I didn’t not agree with her, the double negative means I bla, bla bla bla, bla bla bla bla bla,” Pinkie went on. I moaned and held up a hoof. “Okay-okay, you win,” I said, admitting defeat to the pink horror in front of me. “Woohoo! What’d I win?” Pinkie asked excitedly with bright shiny eyes and a happy smile that could not be denied. One hour, and a promise to Pinkie that I would take her to a circus in Canterlot next week later, and I had finally made my way to Fluttershy’s house. But thanks to the quickly approaching dusk that would see the beginning of Rarity’s fashion show, I had to cut my plan of getting on Fluttershy’s good side down to its bare bones minimum by skipping the invite to the local restaurant for tea, and get straight down to business. The house I was looking for was a little ways away from Ponyville, right on the edge of the Everfree. In fact, I could see the forest before I even got near the house. And what a house it was. The cottage was the very definition of quaint. At first I had thought it was another lived-in tree like Twilight had, but closer inspection told me no. It was a normal house, with a very abnormal roof. Despite being above ground, it looked like the roof was covered in some type of grass, or maybe it was moss. But, I wasn’t here to admire pony architecture. So, I knocked politely on Fluttershy’s door. “Just a minute,” the sweet little voice came from inside before the door opened to reveal the most adorablest of ponies. Her pink mane hid a little over half of her face, but I could still see her eyes widen in fear when she saw just who was standing at her doorway. “N-Nightmare Moon!” I gave her a little smile, careful not to show any teeth. As per the plan, I was the one who was going to do all the talking. Luna was a little too…Luna for Fluttershy to take I think. “Hello Fluttershy, is this a good time for me to talk to you about something?” If it wasn’t, I would just head on out right there, and catch her at the next big thing that went on. No need to pressure the poor little thing into becoming friends. “Well…” she looked back in her house for a few moments before turning her attention back to me. “Not really. I-Is there something you wanted, Nightmare Moon?” I thought for a few seconds about lowering myself down to eye level with Flutters to make myself less intimidating, but decided to just forget that idea and stick to the primary purpose of this visit. “Well, I heard the last time I was hear that your house is an animal shelter…thing, and with the two of us back from the moon, Luna and I…we want to get a pet.” While we didn’t get the reaction that Dash did when the pegasus asked to browse Fluttershy’s selection, the little pony did get a little twinkle in her eye at the request. “Really?” she asked almost…hopefully, if I had to try and pin down the tone. “Okay,” she said before stepping out of her house and leading me around. “Let’s go to the back yard, that’s where most of my animal friends are.” I followed Fluttershy into the back yard with my ears perked up in preparation of the little show I was about to receive. I mean hell, if I got a musical number just by walking out the freaking door in Canterlot, Fluttershy was sure to put on a performance when in her element. It was practically guaranteed! So, I waited with barely contained excitement as she called her animal friends from wherever they were hiding. They came out of their little homes. They came from Fluttershy’s little home. They came from out of the woods, the chicken coop, a half-decayed log in the back, and about a dozen other places from all around me. And throughout it all…Fluttershy didn’t sing a single damn word while she lined up all my choices. It was a real letdown. “So let’s see, there’s the birds and the bees, a pair of monkeys, a bear named Hairy, that pig, a cat, some mice and-wait,” Fluttershy stopped and frowned for some reason before she flew over to the cat. “No! Bad Sylvester! You spit them out right now!” The black cat Fluttershy was shaking her hoof at gagged a bit before coughing up a pair of mice, then looked up at the pegasus. “Meow meow meow.” “Well I don’t care if mice are your natural prey,” she said before taking an upright flying stance with her hands on her flanks. “We don’t eat other animals in this house.” “Meow meow meow.” Fluttershy sighed, and I could almost feel her roll her eyes. “Fish don’t count. Now you back inside and think about what you’ve done mister!” After the kitty sulkingly made his way back inside the cottage, Fluttershy flew back over to me. “Now, where were we?” “Aren’t you afraid he’ll eat the fish inside the cottage?” I asked. Fluttershy blinked the question, and then looked back towards her house. “Um…I’ll be right back!” As Flutters left the two of us alone, I looked over the assembled denizens of nature. Not being a two-year-old, I didn’t really need help identifying any of the animals as I looked around, although the presence of an actual jackalope did make me pause and stare for a few seconds. I think Tank tried to approach me a time or two, but I was quick enough to outpace him. After watching Rainbow act so adorable about the little tortoise, there was no way in hell I was messing with that bit of canon. Although…I had to wonder how long it would be until she adopted him. The first Winter hadn’t even hit yet, and I distinctly remembered Rainbow saying they were going to spent their first Winter together before her mental breakdown. Then, as I wandered around the yard to inspect each animal closely, I came upon…something. It was a strange pink little animal that defied my attempts to place it. The creature was a small, hairless pink rodent of some type, with a tail so short I would almost call it stubby, and long whiskers. As I looked it over, the pink thing stood up on its hind legs and waved at me. I blinked, and then slowly backed away. Thankfully, the animal caretaker finished whatever she was doing in her house and I was able to get my curiosity taken care of without further inspection of the strange critter. “Fluttershy?” “Yes?” the little pegasus replied. “What is that?” I asked while pointing a hoof over to the questionable critter. “What?” she asked in response. “That freaky thing,” I clarified before magically shoving the surrounding animals away from the mystery creature. Fluttershy’s eyes widened in recognition. “Oh that right there? It’s a naked mole rat.”  …  ...  … I groaned, and hit my face with my hoof. When the pain subsided, I looked back over to Fluttershy and sighed. “Do you got any dogs?” In the end, Luna and I went with a German Shepherd thanks to some coaxing on my part for getting such a ‘common’ animal. Well…a Germane Shepherd, but it was pretty much the same thing. A nice big black dog that matched my coat and was an equal mix of friendly and dutiful. Not to mention nearly the size of a pony himself. Once we had taken him off Fluttershy’s hooves, and showed the little pegasus we could be kind to animals, thus assuring her warming up to the big bad Nightmare Moon, I took the dog back to where we parked our chariot. It was actually a little past nightfall when we got there, thanks to Luna moving the moon, and Rarity’s stage had been set up. “Okay Ace,” I told my hound before putting some treat Fluttershy had given us on the way out down on the ground. “You wait in the bat-cart for us, and we’ll take you home as soon as we’re done here. Got it?” Ace replied with a dutiful bark before he jumped into the flying conveyance and sat at attention. Luna wasn’t so agreeable. “Our chariot is not a cart,” she grumbled as we moved away from the transportation. There was a muttering among the ponies, putting an end to our discussion as some of them pointed skyward. I looked up, and saw the approach of the very definition of gaudiness as Celestia’s oversized pony-wagon touched down near Luna’s. As usual, all the little ponies slammed their heads to the ground when Sunbutt came upon them with her sparkling mane. And as she moved up to the crowd, a purple unicorn along with five other familiar faces came running up to her. After they had finished their prostrating, Twilight looked up at her teacher. “Princess Celestia, what’re you doing here?” The goddess giggled as Twilight’s worried tone before lifting a hoof to stifle her laughter. “Oh relax Twilight. I simply heard from Spike that Rarity was going to be showing some of her dresses, and thought it would be a nice diversion after I was done for the day.” “YOU WHAT?” the marshmallow unicorn shrieked in what could only be called absolute terror. Every single pony in Ponyville turned to look at Rarity, who tried to sink into the ground under their gazes. She didn’t have much success. Completely ignoring Marshmallow’s distress, Celestia looked over to me. “Come on you two, let’s go find a good seat.” “Isn’t this great Rarity?” I heard Purple Smart exclaim as we walked away. “Even Princess Celestia wants to see those dresses you made for us.” Rarity only whimpered in reply. Although Celestia said we needed to get a good spot, which several ponies moved about this way and that to make for us, she eventually sat down a good forty feet away from the stage and directed everyone else to go back to where they had been sitting a moment before. Something all the ponies in attendance were willing to do, except for the critic. He sat as close to Celestia as he could. Another mare that joined us was a gray pegasus with bright eyes. Derpy brought her kids , and plopped her bubble butt down next to me shortly after I motioned her over. We talked for a little bit, long enough for her to ask if Sparkler was behaving herself and for me to admit that the pink unicorn was doing so a bit too well for my taste. Then we were rudely interrupted by a mass of talking gray fur and a loudmouthed alicorn. “Princess Luna!” “Greetings little one,” Luna made our mouth say in response to Dinky’s enthusiastic greeting as she leapt forward. “Nighty! Hug the filly at once!” I did as instructed, and cradled the little girl my forelegs almost like a baby as she giggled at our attentions. Celestia looked over at us with a raised eyebrow. “Nighty?” “Little Cadance is correct. Tis a much more fitting moniker than Nightmare, would you not agree, Sister?” Luna asked. When Celestia did, I groaned. Much to my annoyance, the show began before I could fire my witty retort that surely would have put the pony princess on my side in thinking that a badass name like Nightmare was much better than something that meant  human underwear. All of the lights around the town turned off, and music began to play on the stage. “Since the beginning of time, the elite of Equestria have longed for fashions that truly express the essence of their very souls,” Spike’s voice came through the speakers. “Patiently waiting decades-no! Centuries, for the perfect gown. Today Equestria, your long wait is over. Let’s hear it for the breathtaking designs of...Rarity!” The crowd was silent as five ponies made their way onto the walkway. I was…unsure as to how I should react. I mean, yeah Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Fluttershy looked goofy as hell, but…Twilight’s might have actually been decent if not for the stupid stars on her head. It was kinda like a wizard’s robe or something. I looked over and glared at Celestia. “I thought we agreed to take care of this,” I growled. Sure, I hadn’t been able to do anything, but that was because I was making friends with Fluttershy. Tia could have…teleported into the shop and stolen the dresses, called the girls off on a mission, burnt the place down, or at least just order the show stopped! Now Rarity’s career was ruined…for a few days at least. The big princess smiled. “You mean I haven’t?” And then, I noticed something…odd. None of the ponies were saying anything. There were a few glances, followed by the occasional look back at the freaking deity that had decided to just drop into town, but…with the girls dressed up as they were, I would have thought there was going to be some snickering going on. Even the critic was glancing towards the white alicorn. “Say…Princess Celestia, what do you think of the display?” Realization struck me like a lightning bolt. Everypony was waiting on Tia to give her yay or neigh, and then they intended to copy what she said. After that realization, I lifted my hoof to my face and groaned. “Hmmm…I rather like it,” she told the pony loud enough for several others to hear. The critic let out a small gasp, and then looked back at the ponies on stage. “Well…y-yes I see it! These new designs, so…inclusive! So bold! Why…this designer will revolutionize the entire fashion industry!” Which started the outpouring of other comments. “They’re…individualistic!” “They’re so…colorful!” “They’re…uh…nice?” All the while, the five mares up on stage gave each other confused looks before looking down at their clothes in bewilderment. Judging by the way everything was going, I don’t think they actually heard their god-queen decree them passable. Then, Celestia smiled mischievously for a moment and winked at me before she “Oh wait, you were asking about the dresses?” she asked loudly again. “I thought you meant the music and lighting. Oh no, I think the dresses are absolutely terrible from a fashionable standpoint. But I’m glad all of you like them.” The crowd fell silent with varying looks of horror etched upon their faces, and the critic pony looked like he was going to faint. The music stopped playing. Crickets chirped in the background. “Well…” the critic spoke up after a few moments. “Um…you know, now that I’ve been able to look at them again-” Celestia didn’t let him finish. “Hoity Toity, don’t tell me you were basing your professional opinion on what I thought,” the goddess said before she looked up at Ponyville with a scandalized expression. “And that everypony else was too.” As the entire crowd began to get nervous, Celestia looked around. “My little ponies, why would you do something like that?” Once again, the crowd looked around nervously. “Did you think that I want everypony in the land to simply follow me as if you were sheep?” she asked them. “Did you think that it would hurt my feelings if you didn’t agree with me? That I would be angry with you all?” The crowd’s nervousness failed to decrease. “I would much rather prefer my little ponies to be honest with me,” Celestia told them. “Especially over something as silly as a dress. I mean, newsflash everypony, my fashion sense is about nine-hundred years out of date! If you listen to what this mare has to say about what to wear, you’ll be so far beyond retro they’ll have to invent a new word for your clothes.” As the crowd digested what Tia had to say, the alicorn took a moment before she began speaking again. “Listen, all of you. If it hasn’t become obvious by now, I will probably be making many more visits to Ponyville in the not-too-distant future thanks to the interest Luna and Nightmare-pardon me, Nighty have taken in this town. And I want every single one of you to know that you can come and tell me anything from a simple hello to a grievance you have with the government. Understood?” I blinked as Celestia finished her little speech, and frowned. That ingenious old hag. She had used a problem Rarity was having to solve one of her own. I would have applauded her for it, if she hadn’t just booted Rarity out in the cold! “Oh! Rarity?” the goddess called out. Up on the stage, the unicorn stuck her head out from behind the curtains. “Your Majesty?” “Would you kindly go and get the real dresses you made for the Gala instead of those gags so everypony can see how good a designer you are?” “Thank you! Thank you! A thousand thank yous Your Majesty!” Rarity said as she kissed Celestia’s hooves from the privacy of her boutique. Which meant that all of her friends were standing by in their Gala dresses and watching Rarity indulge in her princess hoof fetish. Celestia giggled, and then pulled her hooves away before the little unicorn could get more than ten kisses into her thousand. “It’s my sister and Nighty you should be thanking Rarity,” she told the mare. “They were the ones who alerted me to this little problem. Although, I must admit that it was nice to see such fine work. I loved every single one of them.” “Well ‘cept them ones we designed, I reckon,” Applejack spoke up. The comment got Celestia’s attention, and she looked over to the farm pony. “Oh no Applejack, I like all of them, especially the first ones. They really were the inner you.” As all the ponies stared at her for several moments, it looked like I was the one to tell Celestia the bad news. “No, your fashion sense just bucks.” Tia rolled her eyes, and then looked over to the white unicorn of the group. “Oh Rarity, speaking of clothing, do you think you could make me a gown for the Gala?” The pony in question blinked. “You…you want me to…to make you a dress…for the Gala?”she mumbled. “But-but...you haven’t worn a dress in public for hundreds of years!” Not to be left out, I stepped forward. “Oh! I want one too!” said before adding, “and Luna’s been naked for a thousand!” That was one record Tia was never going to break. Luna quickly acted to step on my dreams. “Why? We are not going to the Gala. We have duties to perform upon the fall of night,” she told me. “Duties I must remind you that we are putting on hold for all of this.” I snorted and rolled our eyes. “Pfft! We can take one night off Luna.” “Because of you we have taken several nights off!” she countered. “And I have confidence that we can do it again!” I told her with um…assuredness! Then, I grabbed the nearest mirror and looked at my reflection before turning my expression to look much like a puppy dog. “Pweeeeeeeeeeese?” Luna snapped our head back and away from the mirror. “Gah! Never do that again! Our countenance should never be allowed to perform such a thing.” Not for away, I heard Pinkie mutter. “Told ya.” “Does that mean we can go?” I asked before looking back to our reflection with a hopeful smile that showed a brightness in our reptilian eyes and grin full of teeth that looked like they belonged on a shark. Mirrors really made this talking to yourself stuff so much easier. All of a sudden, our expression dowered as Luna took over. “If you give an oath to never do that again. Twas creepy.” “Great!” I exclaimed before looking over to Rarity. “Make that two extra large dresses Rares.” “Dresses…princess for the princess dresses…two for the dresses…for princesses…” I looked over to Celestia. “Has she been doing that this whole time we’ve been arguing?” The other goddess gave me a reluctant look. “Yes…I’m afraid the shock may have been too much for her.” “You want to fix it, or should I?” I asked. “By all means.” Celestia’s horn lit up, and then she stepped back before Rarity and I were encased in a bubble. I took in a deep breath, and… “HEY RARITY!” The unicorn let out a loud shriek as she jumped up into the air from me shouting in her ear loud enough to cause deafness, had Celestia not been on hand to quickly repair any damage I mean. Still, the stumbling unicorn was at least broken from her loop. “So, you good?” Rarity groaned as she rubbed her head and Celestia removed her horn from the unicorn’s ear. “Peachy,” she grumbled. “Good! I exclaimed. So, when would be a good time to stop by to get out measurements taken?” I heard some laughter from beside me, and Celestia held a measuring tape in the air. “Well, it’s not that late, and we’re both here now. How about we avoid any scheduling problems and get it done tonight?” she asked before an evil smile appeared on her face. “And I seem to remember a certain argument we had a few weeks back. Over…which one of us had the better plot, was it?” She emphasized the question by putting a little wiggle on her rear end. A startled sound came from the other end of the room, and the two of us looked over to Twilight. “You know…I think I’d better to see if Spike’s got dinner ready yet.” “Neigh, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna commanded. “We shall require a second set of eyes to ensure Ms Rarity is correct in her reading of the measuring tape. She does appear quite haggard from the week’s events after all.” “…ah pony feathers,” I just barely heard Twilight grumble. As I got the rest of the girls to stick around using my ‘I’m an alicorn so do whatever the fuck I say’ ability, Celestia turned to Rarity. “Unless of course it would be too much trouble Rarity.” For a few seconds, the unicorn looked at the way out Celestia had given her, and then shook her head with a little laugh. “No,” she said before taking the measuring tape in her magic. “And besides Your Majesties…I’m a little curious myself.” And so, the Great Royal Booty Measuring was held to determine just which princess had the most padded plot in all of Equestria. In the following weeks and years, the results were never made known to the local community. For while the winner was given bragging rights and literally rubbed it in her sister’s face upon gaining victory, she was also placed upon a dietary regimen that would take all the joy from her triumph. Oh, and Twilight learned that whole gift horse mouth lesson too.