Buggy and the Beast
Equestrian Saturday Night
The evening hour at Beet Salad’s apartment started with a rather constant and solid knocking at his door, which would have been perfectly fine with Beets if it had not been his evening off, with a throbbing jaw where he was missing four teeth, and a changeling draped halfway over his side.
“Go ‘way, Nek!” he called out, shifting positions in the pull-down bed while trying to figure out how to reclaim a small fraction of his bedding from the aggressively acquisitive bedbug. “It’s my freaking night off, and I need my sleep! Go bonk one of your marefriends!”
“Royal Guard, sir!” came the response. “Is this the residence of Beet Salad, who works for the Port Authority of Baltimare?”
Beets froze in place while the changeling let out a short snore. “Yes?” he ventured. “If this is about the cab from yesterday, my friend said it was just borrowed.”
“We need you to come with us down to the Port Authority administrative building, sir. It's in regard to changelings.”
“Changelings?” echoed Beets, trying to hold a hoof over the snoring bug's face and seriously considering just smothering it under a pillow.
“May we come in, sir? I really don't think this conversation is fit for the hallway.”
“No! I mean…” Beets almost slipped on the threadbare carpet stumbling out of bed, and after a quick glance at the nightstand where the pill bottle was sitting, decided he would rather face arrest sober than tranked full of sedatives. Besides, the glass of water was empty, which meant his insectile roommate had already taken her evening pill, so he would have to backtrack to the kitchen to get something to wash it down with. Still, he took the bottle with him, just in case.
Grabbing his hat and the work belt with his nightstick, Beets stumbled out of the apartment door and slammed it behind himself before staring at the two pegasus Royal Guards standing impassively in the hallway. “Ok, I’m ready to go. Let's go.”
“Just a minute, sir.” The first pegasus reached out with a wing and stopped Beet Salad’s dart for the outside doorway. “The Captain would never forgive us if we brought you like this. You look terrible,” he added. “You should at least run a comb through your mane and brush your teeth. This is likely to take all night, and we don’t want to disturb the others.”
“We'll wait right here for you, if you want. We've got a few minutes before we need to get going,” said the other guard.
“Oh, no,” said Beets, quicking running a hoof through his tangled mane, or at least over it. “I’m fine. Let's just get this over with.”
The two guards exchanged looks before the first one heaved a deep sigh. “Look, sir. Captain Shining Armor would never forgive us if we dragged you in looking like this, particularly with the performance you put on last night.”
“Performance?” Beets stopped cold with the feeling of ice beginning to trickle up his hooves.
The second pegasus guard shook his head. “Yeah, it took balls to walk out in the middle of a riot. I had a mate get splashed with a fuel-bomb in Croakland a few years ago, and… Let’s just say what you did was totally against guard regulations and there's not a single Royal Guard who would ever do a thing like that to a—” He cleared his throat “—peaceful protester, but if I ever see you in a bar, you're not going to be able to buy your own drinks for a week.” He opened the apartment door, which Beets realized with sudden terror he had not locked, and gestured inside. “Go ahead and take a quick shower. We’ll take the flack if you're a few minutes late.”
Beets slipped in the apartment door and slammed it behind him, causing the blanket-wrapped changeling to lift her head up and give him a bleary stare. “Wha’s up, buttercup?”
“Get down!” he hissed, darting across the living room and pulling the blanket over his unwelcome guest. “The Royal Guard is out there!”
The realization seemed to clear some of the fuzzy thoughts out of the changeling's eyes through the process of frenzied blinking. “So… Why are they out in the hallway instead of dragging us both through the streets?”
“They…” Beets paused and screwed his face up into a look of intense concentration. “They wanted me to get cleaned up first,” he added weakly.
“You're too dirty to be arrested?” The changeling peered at her roommate with a frown of puzzlement. “I knew Celestia's guards were picky, but this is a new one.” She paused. “Why aren't they arresting me too?”
“I don't know! I… I’ll go take a quick shower. You just… stay out of the way,” whispered Beets as he darted towards the bathroom.
“Brush your teeth,” she called out after him. “Dental hygiene is important for a prisoner.”
* ♥ *
By the time Beets managed a panic-filled shower and a quick tooth-brushing, he could smell the ambrosia of perking coffee through the bathroom door. “Coffee?” he asked, poking his nose out of the bathroom to see the changeling in his kitchenette, riding herd over his cranky percolator.
“I rescued a couple of foam cups out of the trash,” she whispered back. “For heaven's sake, brush your mane or they'll think you're some sort of sick pink lion. Is that your natural coat color? Or colors?”
“Yes!” he hissed back while dragging a comb through his tangled mane. “It’s kindof a cross between tortoiseshell and calico and why are you concerned about my coat color now?”
“You just looked funny.”
“Ha, ha,” he echoed just before the apartment door rattled and the voice of one of the guards filtered in.
“Hey, if it’s not too much trouble while we’re waiting, can my partner use your bathroom? It’s been a long day and he's been drinking a lot of coffee.”
With a quick look around his tiny apartment in the forlorn hope of finding a changeling-sized hiding place for his housepest, Beets hustled the changeling out into the living room and onto the pull-down Murphy bed. “Just a minute,” he called out. “The house is a mess.”
“What are you doing?” she hissed back.
“Saving your life.” With a bright glow of magic on the bottom of the Murphy bed, it flipped up into the closed position, looking like a set of bookshelves with a few bits of sheet sticking out around the edges just a fraction of a second before the front door swung open and a Royal Guard poked his nose inside.
“What was that?” he asked. “Thought I heard somepony else.”
“Nothing!” declared Beets in as non-guilty of a voice as he could manage at the moment. “Nothing at all.”
“Reallygottausethetoilet!” blurted out his partner as he zipped inside and in the direction of the bathroom at top speed. “Thankyou!”
“Yeah, thank you, sir,” added the first guard with a hint of a troubled expression and a suspicious glance at the folded-up bed. “You probably want to get your coffee, sir. My partner will be done in a few minutes, and I don’t want to keep the Captain waiting. He has more important places to be.”
“Coffee!” declared Beets, darting over to the coffee pot and starting to pour his recycled foam cup full of the lifegiving beverage. “Do you want any, sir?”
“Not really,” said the guard, passing his gaze across the kitchenette with a thoughtful frown. "You have two cups, I see. Marefriend?"
“No!” declared Beets with a guilty twitch spilling coffee over the table. He ripped the last paper towel off the roll and frantically mopped up the mess, trying not to worry as the guard casually strolled over to the ‘bookshelf’ and regarded it critically.
“You know, I don't think I’ve ever seen one of these fold-up beds before,” he remarked, running a hoof across the top shelf of ‘books.’ “Do you just pull down here?” Powerful pegasus muscles yanked and the bed unfolded down out of the wall, leaving a powder-blue pegasus mare tumbling across the floor, still tangled in the sheets.
“Whoa!” declared the guard, taking a step back.
Beets declined comment, as he was returning the steel cylinder of the kitchen fire extinguisher back into the closet. It was a fairly desperate move anyway he was glad did not have to be made. Royal Guard helmets were enchanted heavily, and even if he had managed to knock out the one, there was a second one just finishing up in the bathroom.
“Hi there, handsome,” declared the newly revealed mare as she remained sprawled out on Beet Salad's thin living room carpet. With a sweep of her hoof to tuck back a curl of pale blue mane which had drifted over her sultry blue eyes, she asked, “Honey, why didn't you tell me we were having such handsome company?”
“Did I miss anything?” asked the second guard as he came out of the bathroom, stopped, and stared at the beautiful young pegasus mare laying in the middle of Beet Salad's tiny living room. “Whoa, mama.”
“Manners, Specialist Dry Roast,” chided the other guard. “Ma’am, I’m terribly sorry to have bothered you, but we've been a little on edge lately.” His eyes drifted from the beautiful pegasus to the ugly unicorn and back again, as if to check his vision. “Seems an odd place to be taking a nap, if you don't mind me saying so, ma’am.”
“I know,” sighed the ‘pegasus’ mare. “I pulled a couple of muscles in my back, and Beetsie here was so kind as to let me borrow his bed as a back press while I recover. It’s cheaper than the skyway robbery rates they charge at the physical therapists, and it has some wonderful side benefits.” She actually giggled at this and fluttered her eyelids at Beet Salad, who blushed near crimson in return.
“I… Yes, I can understand,” said the guard. “But—”
“Oh, where are my manners?” she exclaimed. “I’m Sultry Breeze, from down at the Town Hall in the Urban Planning department. You know, we don't get handsome young Royal Guards down there very often. Are you two… single?”
"No, Ma'am. Married for four years now, with one on the way. I'm Sergeant Ardent Valor and this is my partner, Specialist Dry Roast. We're sorry to disturb you, but we need to get Mister Salad to the administration building at the Port Authority for his training session as quick as we can."
“Training session?” murmured Beet Salad under his breath, exchanging a glance with the changeling, who only giggled and winked back at him.
“I suppose I’ll let him go, if I have to. Give me a kiss before you go to class, Beetsie.”
As the guards headed back out to the hallway, Beets picked up his cup of coffee and gingerly approached his disguised houseguest. "Are you crazy?" he hissed. "What if they check out your story?"
"It'll check out. It better. It's the cover I've been living for the last year. I mailed a letter to the old couple I've been staying with and one to my boss yesterday while we were at the doctor's, telling them I had been in a minor mid-air accident and was going to be on sick leave at a coltfriend's house for a few weeks. Even included a doctor's note for work. Now, give your marefriend a kiss before you head off for school. Kissie, kissie?"
The changeling puckered up, and although Beets was royally tempted to bite her on the lips instead, he brushed his lips across hers and hustled out the door on the way to whatever boring training session the Port Authority had decided to grace on him.
* ♥ *
On the whole, Beets would have rather been arrested. Every unicorn who worked the night shift for the Port Authority was packed into Room 101 and waiting for a class entitled 'Rapid Spell Learning - Changeling Detection' on the chalkboard at the front of the classroom. As there were only five unicorns who actually worked the night shift in various capacities, four of whom were clerks or paperwork processors of some kind, and the classroom was able to hold dozens of ponies, 'packed' was probably a significant overstatement.
"Ten-HUT!" announced a voice from the side of the room, followed by a somewhat embarrassed, "Sorry about that, everypony. Force of habit." The broad-shouldered form of Prince Shining Armor strode confidently into the room and situated himself in front of the chalkboard with a suppressed yawn. He looked even more impressive in the bright lights of the classroom, even though Beets could see a few bent blue hairs in his mane and the beginnings of shadows under his eyes. Then again, it had been five whole days since his wedding, and the new Royal Couple had vanished from public view until last night, so… Beet Salad decided to refrain from commenting, unlike some of his coworkers.
“A little short on sleep, luv?” suggested one of the bright-eyed female clerks with a wink, triggering a short round of tense giggling, to which Shining Armor contributed his own short snort and laugh.
“No comment, and I really mean it,” he added with another yawn which spawned a few giggles all around the room. "We've got a lot to get to this evening, since the failed changeling invasion has gotten everypony all worked up. You’ll find a brief summary of two spells written in magical notation in the folders on your desks. We will be covering both of them this evening, and you'll be expected to practice them at home over the next few days to get fully proficient… Yes, you there with the blue tie.”
“Forepony Special here, of the Cargo Loading and Packing Local 694,” announced Special, or Blue Plate Special as the other members of the dock crew preferred to call him out of his sight. For a unicorn with such beady little eyes, he had a spare tire around the middle which reflected his ability to never actually be anywhere actual work was being done while still always being first in line for donuts at the union meetings. “Practicing spellcraft at home for work purposes is against union rules without the payment of negotiated overtime. You'll have to take the proposal up with the work products committee at their meeting next week, if you can get it on the agenda.”
Shining Armor paused, seemingly considering something both painful and embarrassing happening to Special, before giving a brief nod. “Thank you, Forepony Special. We will just be covering the basics of the spell tonight. If you choose to practice it during your spare time, you should be fully proficient with it in just a few… Yes, Forepony Special?”
Special put down his hoof and regarded Shining Armor just as coldly as if he were leading a brigade of strikebreakers. “Implying an employee is to violate union rules is a violation of our contract. If you proceed in this regard, I'm afraid I'm going to have to file a formal complaint.”
Shining Armor regarded the union forepony with the same callous disregard as a stepped-on piece of gum. “Forepony Special, you do know Canterlot was attacked by a changeling invasion force six days ago, correct?”
The chubby unicorn tossed his mane back and put his nose up in the air. “There haven't been any changelings around my docks, Captain Armor.”
Shining Armor nodded with a dangerous spark showing in his eyes. “The forensic analysis of your dock shipping pallets would tend to prove otherwise. Still, if there are changeling infiltrators in the vicinity, as our tests have proven, they would most probably be found as close to leadership positions as possible, in order to cause the most damage during an invasion. Said possible changelings would try very hard to prevent anypony from discovering their true identity and therefore remain inconspicuous.”
Special glared back at Shining Armor. “Captain Armor, I do not appreciate your implication. As forepony of our union, I demand an apology.”
A small smile appeared on Shining Armor's face by stages, lifting the corners of his lips and exposing bright white teeth as he spoke two words. “Block. Tackle.”
Two earth pony Royal Guards in full armor appeared as if by magic, one to each side of the rotund union unicorn. Each of the guards was carrying a magic-suppressing donut in their teeth, although they did not make a move to put them on the horn of the suddenly cowed unicorn. Yet.
“Specialist Block and Specialist Tackle will now escort you to the front of the classroom,” announced Shining Armor just a moment before the two hefty earth ponies began to move forward with the hapless union representative caught between them. “Before we begin with the lecture, I believe a practical spell demonstration is warranted. Put him right there, please.”
“What is the meaning of this?” spluttered Special. “I have rights!”
“The city of Baltimare has passed emergency legislation,” said Shining Armor in a flat monotone. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna urged them not to, but they did anyway. At any point in time, for any reason, any law enforcement agent within the city limits is permitted to use a spell to scan a suspected changeling.”
Shining Armor tapped the folder on the table in front of him. “Class, please turn in your notes to the first spell and try to follow along. Don't be discouraged if you've never cast a spell to detect magical compulsions before. Normally, such a spell is quite difficult for even powerful unicorns, but my sister Twilight Sparkle made some significant simplifications which allow it to only detect if somepony has been exposed to changeling magic. Hold still, Forepony Special. This doesn't hurt at all.”
Shining Armor's horn lit up in a surprisingly feminine pink aura, which swept over the cringing pony with only a few tiny sparkles of green. “As you can tell, class, this pony has had very little exposure to changeling magic. Can we get another volunteer, please? Mister Beet Salad, please come up here.”
Somewhat irritated and annoyed by Shining Armor's definition of ‘volunteer,’ Beets trudged to the front of the room. Shining Armor was not wearing the helmet to his namesake armor, but he had a certain wariness to his attitude which passed a signal to Beets indicating any attempt to disable or injure the seemingly placid white unicorn would go badly. Very badly.
Up close, Beets could see the small imperfections in the prince’s coat indicating a long history of magical duels under the watchful eye of an alert referee, but there were also more than a few indications of significant violent conflict taken outside the sparring ring.
Unlike any other foe he had faced before, Beet Salad was determined not to get into a fight this time.
"So glad to meet you, sir," said the prince, stepping forward and shaking hooves briskly with a warm smile. There was not much of a shark lurking in those bright, white teeth, but instead it felt as if the prince was exhibiting a friendly attitude out of courtesy, and any change in his attitude would regretfully change their relationship for the worse. There was also a definite sign of recognition in his face, although combined with enough restraint to avoid bringing up the events of last night in polite company. In short, Beets would not have minded buying Prince Shining Armor a beer, and it seemed the prince would have no problems accepting it.
“Good to meet you too, sir,” said Beets rather reluctantly.
“Now, as I understand it, your patrol path took you near the site of the changeling impact several times over the last week, so you should show a greater response to the detection spell. Are you ready?”
“Yes,” said Beets before he could think.
If that spell detects bedtime changeling snuggles, I’ll light up like a torch.
“Very well. Here we go.” A wave of soft pink magic swept over Beets, feeling just a little like relaxing in a sunbeam. Thankfully, the brilliant green glow of changeling magic did not appear as expected, but there were quite a few sharp green sparks floating over his aura, as well as a soft green glimmer across his back which had Shining Armor narrowing his eyes slightly, although he did not display any other sign of suspicion.
“Since Mister Beet Salad’s patrol took him near the location where the changeling activity was detected, some of the residual changeling magic seems to have brushed off during his multiple trips past the site. This only goes to show detecting changeling magic with this spell does not necessarily mean the subject is really a changeling, or has been adversely influenced by them. Of course, to be certain, the second spell can be used to strip away the disguise of any suspected changeling, even the most powerful of them.”
“Like the queen?” asked Beets Salad.
There was a very long silence, after which Shining Armor nodded. “Yes, if she doesn’t get to you first. You need to be very careful when dealing with changelings. They're smart, deceptive, and subtle. Lower your guard for even an instant and they'll bend your mind to their will.”
* ♥ *
After several hours of study and practice, Beets was really missing a long, boring walk around the docks. This reminded him far too much of his youthful experiences in school, with the other students and their taunting and abuse. Then again, as a colt he had brought a lot of the unwanted attention on himself, which was something he could only see in hindsight. His ass had better vision than his head, and probably looked better as he had aged from the young idiot of so many years ago.
Those were the days. He had gotten his horseshoe cutie mark when he had first slugged an annoying colt who had been doing something annoying, even though he could not remember just exactly what it was now. Detention had been well worth it, despite the fierce rump tanning afterwards he had received from Dad with little or no respect for his new cutie mark.
Tonight, the disparaging remarks from Forepony Special grated on his nerves, and from the subdued twitches from Shining Armor, he was in good company. The union representative was going out of his way to not only push management during this ‘opportunity’ in every way he could, but as the class session worked its way into the second spell, seemed to be baiting the prince into doing something rash. Since the description of the second spell included the words ‘painful’ several times and ‘severe damage if misused’ twice, Beets was guessing Special was trying to get Shining Armor to zap him with the transformation reversal spell so he could fake an injury and get the full medical retirement from the Port Authority he seemed to have been leaning towards for the last few years.
As the stress in the room rose, Beets began to feel a certain camaraderie with the prince. If the series of speculative articles in the newspaper tabloids were correct, Shining Armor was one of only two stallions in the room who had actually slept with a changeling, although Beets' experience was not one he was about to share, particularly due to the newspaper articles which had constantly needled the new prince about the possibility of insectile offspring in eleven months. True, Buggy had said changelings and ponies were infertile, but the bug could be lying, and sharing either experience probably would not reduce Prince Shining Armor's stress level any.
Stress that boiled over when Forepony Special made a snide comment about ‘ineffectual guardsponies’ and Shining Armor’s ears suddenly laid back flat against his head.
“Sir,” said Beets, standing up with the folder of spell notes floating in front of him, “the information in the notes about the changeling disguise stripping spell seems contradictory to me. There are all kinds of warnings about how dangerous it can be if misused, but it also states the spell should be perfectly safe. Perhaps if you could demonstrate it on a volunteer before class ends.”
Beet Salad could see the idea take root in Shining Armor's head, due to the sudden relaxation of his ears and a growing smile, but before the prince could ‘volunteer’ Forepony Special, Beets added, “I would be honored to be your volunteer, sir.”
It was almost as much fun to watch Shining Armor's face as he worked though his disappointment as to see the conflicted expression on Forepony Special as he jumped to put his two bits into the conversation. “Excuse me, Mister Sandwich—”
“Salad. Beet Salad,” corrected Beets.
“But union workrules specifically forbid the use of any dangerous spells on employees, with or without their permission,” continued Special with a thin smile.
“City laws permit both local and Crown law enforcement personnel, which includes a Captain of the Royal Guard, to use the two spells we are learning this evening on any suspected changeling.” Beets shifted his gaze to Prince Shining Armor. “Sir, I suspect I may be a changeling. Blast away.”
To his credit, Shining Armor took his time getting the spell set up, making certain that the area around Beets was cleared of any sharp objects and having all of the Port Authority employees follow the spell notes, step by step. When the wave of pinkish dispelling magic swept over him, Beets felt a sharp and considerably unpleasant prickling over all of his body. It was less pain than expected, except for when the magic reached his face.
And his recently extracted teeth.
Since there were mares in the room, Beets tried his best not to curse, or at least keep his virulent swearing to a minimum. In any case, the words squeezed out from his rigid jaw probably would not have been very understandable anyway. The healing sockets in his upper and lower jaw fairly burned with unquenchable fire when the spell touched them, only dying down to a vicious ache after an eternity of agony and considerably fussing over by an apologetic prince.
If they use this spell on the pesky changeling, they'll kill her for certain.
When he finally could talk, he managed to gasp, “Had some dental work done yesterday. Hurts like a mother. I'll be fine.”
Shining Armor seemed to take his declaration of health with some hefty skepticism, and since it was nearly dawn anyway, he declared class to be over for the evening with a warning about using the disguise-removing spell on anypony without a thorough check for any medical issues. After dismissing all the students from the room including both of the taciturn Royal Guards, he turned to Beets with what could have been concern.
“Mister Salad, you should have said something about your dental extractions before I tried Twily’s spell on you. Open up so I can check on the damage.”
“Considering a second career as a dentist?” Despite his perfunctory protest, Beets opened his mouth and let Shining Armor have a royal look. “Ooo isss eet ooo aaadd?”
“No,” muttered the prince with his horn lit up and the throbbing pain in Beets’ empty tooth sockets slowly fading as his healing spell kicked in. “Nice bit of dental work there. It seems the disguise dispersal spell also breaks any residual healing spells.”
“Eeelly? Eeyye oould aaave ever euessed.”
“Sorry.” The prince poked around inside Beets’ mouth for a few more moments before giving a sharp nod and extinguishing his horn. “Not too bad, in hindsight. I’ve seen guards get pulled out of the sparring ring with less dental damage.”
“I’ve chipped a few teeth before too,” admitted Beets once his mouth was closed and he had checked the still-tender empty tooth sockets with the tip of his tongue.
“So.” Shining Armor sat quietly and just looked at Beet Salad, his bright blue eyes seemingly staring right through Beets’ mottled coat. “Tell me about the changeling.”
“What changeling?” responded Beets, feeling a cold chill run up his back.
“The one you found on the docks during your patrol,” said the prince. “The one who was injured, bleeding, and dying. The one we can’t find now. The one who vanished without a trace.”
The silence in the room stretched thin. It was difficult to tell which stallion was more uncomfortable. Beets could not find the nerve to look directly at the prince, and Shining Armor was shifting positions, as if the mention of changelings brought back unwelcome memories. Finally, Shining Armor blurted out, “We'll give you a thousand bits if you turn the changeling over to us.”
“What?” Beets eyed the prince skeptically. “I didn't think you cared about changelings.”
“I don’t!” protested the prince in what was nearly a yipe of surprise. “I mean we don’t. Care, that is. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have a standing order to identify any changeling who can be found in order to keep them under observation from a distance.”
Beets’ eyes narrowed. “Strange. You offered me bits to turn her over, but the Princess’ order was just to keep them under observation? There seems to be something missing here.”
"They don't understand changelings like I do now," snapped Shining Armor. "Celestia should. She's beaten the bugs before."
"So shouldn't she be better at it than you?" prompted Beets. "Experience, after all."
"You don't understand either," growled Shining Armor. "Enough dancing around the point. You've got enough changeling magic on you to prove you've been around one of them and not enough to have been mind-controlled, which means you're working with one willingly. Are you going to turn over your changeling buddy, or am I going to have you arrested for harboring a fugitive?"
"Do it," snapped Beets. "The first thing I'll tell is how Prince Shining Armor offered me a thousand bits to give him a changeling." Shining Armor flinched, and Beets could feel his lips peel back in a macabre grin. "What, did the Changeling Queen give you an appreciation for banging a bug?"
Beets never even saw the hoof coming, but the explosion of pain in his face and the stars in his vision had not cleared by the time his back crashed into the far wall. He rebounded with his own hoof coming up for a counterblow only to find Shining Armor slamming a second shot into his gut which doubled Beets up into a ball and left him rolling across the floor.
"Don't—" started Shining Armor as Beets' magic surrounded the podium, lifting it up in preparation for throwing. Obviously deciding actions were superior to words, Shining Armor's pink magic lashed out and the podium slumped into two pieces, sliced almost perfectly in half. It was a breathtaking example of both power and control of combat magic, but Beets countered by swinging the two halves of the sundered podium on intersecting trajectories, one on each side of the furious prince.
The crash of colliding wood sprayed splinters all over the room as a bright pink bubble surrounded the target, blinking into existence just long enough to block the attack and blinking out as Shining Armor's upcoming counterattack glowed into incandescent fury at the end of his horn.
"Shiny!" The sharp female cry of outrage made the accumulated magic at the end of Shining Armor's horn waver and vanish. Beets did not fare much better, as he had intended on blocking the incoming spell with a chair, and the sudden feminine voice distracted his concentration enough to make him drop it on his hoof.
"Cadence!" Shining Armor's eyes darted around the room to the broken furniture and the substantial dent in the wall Beets had made with his impact. "This isn't what it looks like."
The sarcastic retort which sprang to mind failed to make it out of Beet Salad's mouth, because most of the neural activity in his brain was occupied with thoughts of 'She's so much prettier than her pictures in the newspaper' and 'Did I comb my mane?' Words like 'cascaded' and 'bounced' came to mind when attempting to describe the Princess of Love, as well as 'pink.' Lots and lots of pink, from her slim, well-formed legs up to her gracefully-swept wings and long horn. All of the anger he had gathered to fight Shining Armor just evaporated away, like dew before the noon sun, and a sense of unfamiliar peace settled over him.
"You're roughhousing with your friends again, aren't you?" Those perfect brows lowered and violet eyes glittered with amused malice as Princess mi Amore Cadenza fixed her new husband with a withering glare. "You knew we have an appointment this morning."
"Ahhh…" As much as Shining Armor was trying to maintain an air of indifference, Beets could see him brush a piece of debris behind him with one hoof. "Why don't you go by yourself again, Cadie? I've been up all night with the class, and I really need to take a shower."
A snarky response which Beets could place directly on his close proximity to Nectarine for several years just bubbled up and leapt for Beet Salad's mouth, only to be forcefully stifled before he could embarrass himself by offering to assist with either or both of their showers in any way possible.
"Shii-nee," said Cadenza in a wheedling tone of voice which would have driven any red-blooded stallion into complete obedience. "You promised. Auntie Luna says this therapist is the—"
"Don't say… therapist," said Shining Armor with a blistering look at Beet Salad indicating class was over, and any students still remaining were going to have to run laps if they did not leave right now.
A series of unconnected dots seemed to connect suddenly, and Beet Salad ventured, "Changeling issues?"
"That's rather private," said Princess Cadenza, sweeping her dangerous gaze over Beet Salad with very little of the normal disdain most mares displayed when looking at him. In fact, there was a small flicker of recognition, followed by an almost missed flash of magic around her horn which Beets recognized as the changeling magic detection spell. The princess gave a little twitch and hesitantly started, "You're…"
“I was at the docks,” admitted Beets. Those violet eyes were beguiling enough to make him continue with a phrase he should not have uttered. “You're pretty.”
“Yes, I get that a lot.” She smiled, and something deep in Beet Salad's heart smiled back even as she turned back to her husband and that affectionate smile gained a little steel. “Shiny, I'm not going to take no for an answer again. The nice doctor set aside part of her busy schedule every day this week for us, and you've dodged it every morning so far. Why won't you go to the sessions with me?”
“I have my reasons,” grumbled Shining Armor.
A spark of resentment began to grow in Beet Salad's chest. The handsome young prince had been given everything any stallion would die for on a silver platter including a princess. It seemed terribly unfair, and since Beets was still owed at least one punch in the jaw by the unthankful prince, he decided to pitch in his own two bits on Princess Cadenza's behalf.
“A thousand reasons,” said Beets with a suppressed vengeful grin.
Shining Armor whipped his head around to glare at Beets, who allowed his grin to emerge, one yellowed tooth at a time.
“You wouldn't,” said Shining Armor.
Beets only grinned wider.
“Wouldn’t what, Shiny?” Princess Cadenza fairly radiated concern in a compassionate look at her husband. “Is something wrong?”
“No!” blurted out Shining Armor as Beets took a breath to speak. “Nothing at all, dear. I’ve just changed my mind. We need to get going if we're going to make it to the headshrinker’s office for our appointment.”
“Of course, dear.” Princess Cadenza nodded at Beet Salad. “It was nice meeting you Mister…”
“Salad,” said Beets. “Beet Salad.”
Torn between rubbing the bruise on his chest or laughing, Beets settled for remaining respectfully silent as the Royal Couple vanished out the back door of the classroom, with Shining Armor casting one last virulent look over his back before the door closed. An unaccustomed chuckle escaped Beets at last, and stayed with him as he swept up the shattered remains of the podium and stuffed them into the trash can. Shining Armor may have been some hot-shot Royal Guard, but the pretty pink princess had him wrapped around one hoof. Beets' chuckles died down somewhat as he considered the newspaper accounts of the Royal Couple's respective ordeals, with one having been in extremely close contact to the changeling queen and the other thrown into the crystal caves below Canterlot and left to die. His changeling lurking back at the apartment could just as easily be biding her time to enslave…
No, that was stupid. Buggy was nearly helpless, and could not even change shape… No, she had changed forms just before he left the apartment this evening. He was considering the situation while picking up the last few splinters from the floor when the back door to the classroom opened and Superintendent Fits poked his narrow nose into the room.
“Ah, Mister Beet Salad. I was hoping I could find you before you went home this morning.” The greying earth pony strode confidently into the classroom and placed an open folder on the table next to Beets’ collection of spell notes. “The board had a meeting yesterday, and I'm afraid I have some bad news.”
“Bad news?” Beets could feel his heart skip a beat, and he sat down quickly before his knees folded up.
“Yes, the pony who you… assaulted last night has retained counsel. In the event that he sues the Port Authority, we could be looking at substantial damages. Pain and suffering. Loss of marital consortium. I don't believe the phrase ‘second degree anal burns’ has ever been used in a board meeting before, and I certainly hope it never is again.” He separated out a sheet of paper and slid it across the table over to Beets, who picked it up and tried to control his shock while reading.
“Mandatory anger management counseling? What idiot proposed this?”
“All of them.” Supervisor Fits fixed Beets with an impassive glare. “If we can get out in front of this thing and do damage control, we might be able to get out of it without a few hundred thousand bits in punitive damages. Ah…” Supervisor Fits looked around the room. “Wasn't there a podium in here?”