//------------------------------// // Bill and Ted's Historical Figures // Story: X in Equestria // by RoseluckyCinor //------------------------------// Bill and Ted’s Equestrian Adventure “Ted, we’ve got all the cool dudes from history! Now to write that paper,” Bill remarked casually. He let loose a sick riff on his air guitar. Bill and Ted stood outside the phone booth casually. They had arrived in San Dimas only a few minutes prior. The anachronous group they had gathered waited patiently inside the booth. Ted turned his face down, and started to count on his fingers. “Bill, we forgot one!” “Dude, who?” Bill asked. Ted grabbed Bill by the shoulders. “We forgot the most bodacious one of the group! We forgot the best pony!” Bill gasped. “You’re right! It wouldn’t be most excellent to forget the best pony.” Ted opened the phone booth’s door. “Let’s go!” Both Bill and Ted rushed inside and closed the door. “I think the number’s 203-867-5309 for Ponyville,” Bill remarked. Ted punched it in. “A most excellent number, Bill. I’d call it if I saw it written down.” With a crackled of lightning the phone booth disappeared into the night. Whirling throughout the time stream the booth picked the best pathway to the time of Equestria. With a great thump the booth landed in front of the Ponyville Library. The group of historical greats exited the phone booth. “Okay; Bill, Joan, Billy, So-crates, Napoleon, Freud, Genghis, Abe, and Beethoven, let’s split up and find the best pony.” So-crates Socrates walked the streets of Ponyville until he found a suitable place to enter. Athens was a hard city to beat architecturally speaking, and this was the only building of that caliber. The door swung open, the hinges grinding slightly. Inside was a small, white unicorn. She had turned to face Socrates when the door had opened. “Oh my, dear, who are you?” she asked. Socrates took a long look at the décor of the room before answering. “I am Socrates, philosopher. The question is… who are you?” Rarity put a hoof to her chin, “Well my dear, I am Rarity.” She flicked her mane to the side and smiled. “You say you are Rarity. Is that a title or the truth?” Socrates asked. “It’s, uh… what? What does that mean?” she asked confused. She’d never met anyone who talked like that before. “Rarity means a few things, and a name can be either truth or fiction, Perhaps it is even a title. What does it mean to you?” Rarity: I’m not sure I understand Socrates. A name is a name. It is given to a child when it is born. Surely it doesn’t signify anything. Socrates: Okay, if the name is just a name, I can agree to this, but first, answer me some questions. What do you do? Rar: I make dresses for everypony who wants one. Soc: Do you charge money? Rar: Of course. Soc: Do you charge a lot? Rar: I charge enough to cover the costs of the materials and a little more so I can live comfortably. Soc: Can everybody afford the prices you set? Rar: Well, not everypony. I will try to work with a client if I can. Soc: So you can agree that the dresses you set are a sort of… rarity? Rar: I see where you’re going with this, but it’s just a coincidence. Take, for instance my friend, Applejack. She and the whole Apple family work with apples! Soc: That’s exactly my point. Rar: Grr. Darling, it’s just a coincidence. Soc: Okay, tell me more about your business. How do you make your dresses? Rar: Well, once the client gives me their design, I do my best to make it a reality. Sometimes that involves gems or special threads. Soc: Gems. Gems are a rarity are they not? Rar: They are not. I can find gems with great ease. My special talent is finding them in fact. Soc: Ah, that is interesting. Where I come from, gems are very rare, nearly impossible to find without great danger. Can your friends do this magic? Rar: My friend, Twilight, can. I taught her how to do it. Soc: So, you taught your friend this special magic? I assume you had this magic inherently. Rar: Yes. Soc: Do you know many unicorns with this spell? Rar: No. Soc: So, you have a spell that finds the rare treasures of the earth, which is relatively unknown? Rar: I, uh, yes. Yes I do. Soc: Then is it not obvious that your name fits well with this? Rar: Yes… it does, but what does it mean? Soc: It means everything, my dear. Nothing and all are one in you. Knowledge comes in the fact that one knows nothing. Rar: How did you get so smart? Soc: Because unlike others, I don’t claim to understand the basics of the world. “Can I offer you a toga, So-crates? I’ve… got rare gems—and the like,” Rarity offered. Her voice lacked her normal enthusiasm. Socrates turned to the door, “no thanks. I’ve got to find a pony worth studying.” Rarity felt the tears well up. “Lates, homie.” Abraham Lincoln Abraham Lincoln knew where to go to get a pony that would qualify as best pony. Anypony that got into a government office would surely be above any other. Having asked the directions and shaken the hooves of quite a few ponies he found the city hall. They mayor sat in her office. “OH hello, sir,” she called out as he stooped in through the door. “Hello, miss. I am Abraham Lincoln, president. Am I correct that you are the mayor?” “Yes, I am,” the mayor answered, “I am mayor Mare. What can I help you with?” Abe sighed, “I am looking for the best pony, and I was curious if that could be you.” The mayor blushed, “Oh my. Well, I think I could be the best….” Abe silenced her. “Now, my dear. I’m not too sure on how to say which pony is best. You are all certainly cute.” “Then how are you going to judge us?” she asked. Abe stuck out his chest, “Obviously I’m going to compare you to myself. If I am considered one of the best people in history then I should be a good benchmark.” The mayor nodded. “Let me ask you some things and then I will make the call. First, what did you do as a filly?” “Hmm,” the mayor murmured as she stroked her muzzle. “As a filly I always wanted world peace for Equestria and beyond.” Abe huffed, “as a child I hunted and killed the vampires that killed my family.” “What?! Vampires?” “Yes. When I was but a boy my father made a deal with some vampires. He couldn’t keep his end so they ended both my mother and my grandmother. After that it was clear to me that I would have to fight them for the rest of my life!” Mare was flabbergasted, “but… but… why? How!?” She started to sway on her chair. “I… I… uuuuh.” Her body hit the floor with a thump. “I guess she wasn’t best pony after all,” Abe mutters as he walked out. Billy the Kid Billy found it hard to stay in town. As such, he’d decided the best ponies would be like he and want to stay on the outskirts of town. A few minutes of travel down a dusty road led him to a farm. Being a western man, Billy knew a thing or two about farms. An orange mare met him as he walked amongst the trees. “Hello, y’all,” she chimed to Billy. “Y’all, I’m Billy, y’all.” “Y’all y’all, Sugar cube?” Applejack chuckled. Billy slapped his knee. “I bet that tractor breaks down all the time, right, y’all?” Applejack nodded. “Me ‘n my kin run dat ‘der farm fer apples.” Billy caught himself looking at her flank. “you know, you’re pretty ‘fer a horse.” Applejack laughed him off, “Sorry, I’m in love with a stallion.” Billy shrugged, “perhaps I can show that I’m a big man too!” “Are y’all suggesting a contest?” Applejack asked. Billy nodded, “A shootout. I’ve got two revolvers here with which y’all and I can take shots. Whomsoever takes down the most apples at the farthest distance is the best, y’all.” “Agreed.” Billy tossed her a gun and took aim with his own. The bang echoed through the orchard. Twenty or so meters away an apple fell to the grass. He smiled as he blew the smoke from the barrel. Applejack smirked and gripped the handle in her mouth. Taking aim she too let loose a shot. An apple behind Billy’s fell. Billy grabbed his hat and tossed it to the side, “now it’s serious, y’all.” Billy gripped his gun and took careful aim down the sights. He wasn’t about to let this pony show him up, y’all. The pulled the hammer back with a satisfying click. The resounding crack that accompanied the pull of the trigger deafened them briefly. Two apples fell at forty meters. Applejack knew she couldn’t compete. “Looks like you win, sugar cube,” she admitted sadly. Billy’s boot scuffed the dirt. “Do you think y’all could… let me ride you?” Beethoven (Abbreviated to B.) For some reason, B could hear music leading him into the distance. The music seemed to resonate in the ground, rising into his bones and into his soul. It was a primitive beat, deep and soulful. Nothing as good a bassist or a finely tuned violin, but it moved deep within him. The beats lead him to what appeared to be a warehouse. No one stopped him as he walked around the complex. The music became louder and louder, moving him deeper and deeper. Finally B came to large room. Lights flashed and speakers blared and unfamiliar and technological beat. As he approached the DJ booth, the speakers fell silent. A white unicorn with red eyes walked out the door. She casually flipped sunglasses over her eyes. “Hey, man, what do you think you’re doing in here? Raves don’t start until later,” she mumbled. “What was that?” B asked. “What? The music? It’s was just one of my freshest tracks.” “Yes, it sounded like 3/8ths speed with an allegro tempo. It was very nice if I say so myself,” B said. The mare seemed shocked, “No one really noticed the 3/8th before. It’s one of my preferred speeds. Oh, my name’s Vinyl Scratch. What’s yours?” “Beethoven.” “Beats, I like that. So what else do you know about music?” Vinyl asked. B moved towards the booth and tried to peer inside, “I play the piano mostly. You wouldn’t happen to have one around?” Vinyl beamed. “I got a synth in the booth if you want to give it a spin,” she said. She unlocked the door and lead B inside. It was cramped for the two of them. Vinyl sat on his lap as he played the piano. “You’re really good,” Vinyl murmured. B just smiled. His fingers gracefully swept across the keys. “I’ve had a lot of practice.” Vinyl reached into a bag on the ground and brought out two tablets. She held one to B. “You ever tried x before?” she asked. B shook his head. “Then just eat this and everything becomes 100% better.” B grabbed the pill and placed it on his tongue. After swallowing everything blurred together. He felt himself coming closer and closer to Vinyl. Napoleon A croissant, that was all the Napoleon craved after the phone booth let out. All the food in San Dimas was nothing compared to a freshly baked, crusty croissant. He cared not for Ted’s ‘best pony’. A few ponies told him of a bakery that should be able to fulfill his desires. They told him he could find what he desired in the Sugarcube Corner. It was a small shop compared to some of Paris’ bakeries. A pink pony was running the counter. There was a small crowd milling about and eating pastries. Napoleon walked up to the counter. “Hello, madame. I was interesting in buying a croissant. Might you have any?” he asked. “Wow, you’re short!” she exclaimed. “What? I am not short,” Napoleon rebuttled. Pinkie jumped on the counter and put her face in his. “You are short! Every other human was at least twice as tall as you! You’re practically my size.” “I am a rule-“ Pinkie cut Napoleon off. “Hey, everypony. Does anyone have spare stilts? This guy is really, really short!” Napoleon fell to the floor and wept. Why was this pink pony so mean? His tears wouldn’t cease. Pinkie jumped down and put a hoof on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, short guy.” Napoleon shoved her off. Jumping up he exclaimed, “No, this will not do!” Napoleon leapt at one of the stallions and climbed on its back. “I will come back and conquer you, pink pony!” Sticking his heels into the stallion’s sides, Napoleon rode off into the sunset. Freud “Now tell me, miss Sparkle. How are your parents?” Freud asked. Twilight was lying on one of the couches she had in her library. She still wasn’t sure why she was talking with this strange man. “Oh, my parents are well.” “How do you feel about your mother?” Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know. I loved her. She *is * my mother.” “You love your mother?” Twilight nodded, “yes?” “Oh dear,” Freud said as he scribbled down on his paper. “What are you writing?” Twilight asked. “Nothing, just notes. Now, Miss Sparkle, how do you feel about your brother?” “I love my brother! He’s my BBBFF!” “What does that mean?” Freud asked. “Big Brother Best Friend Forever!” Freud nodded, “now, is he successful?” “Why yes, he is. He’s an officer in the royal guard, and he just married a princess,” Twilight said happily. “Yes, yes. Do you ever feel jealous of him?” “Not really jealous.” Twilight paused. “I guess sometimes…” “I see.” Freud scribbled more notes. “What are you writing?” Twilight turned around on the couch and looked at Freud. “I think you have a case of penis envy, miss Sparkle.” Twilight jumped off the couch. “Are you kidding me?” Freud stood up. “Miss Sparkle, it is also to my attention that you are sexually repressed.” Freud reached down for his belt. “Get out,” Twilight groans. With a shrug Freud walks to the door. “If you wish to beat the repression…” Freud trails off. Joan of Arc “It was really nice of you girls to do this,” Joan admits. She had been immediately drawn to Ponyville’s spa as soon as she had seen it. “A girl gotta look nice.” Lotus nodded. She was busy giving Joan a manicure while Aloe rubbed her back. “It must be great, travelling with all those men, right? (Can’t do it. I apologize. –JohnDoe) Genghis Kahn (Caps for KAHN!) GENHIS KAHN TRAVELLED THE TINY STREETS OF PONYVILLE LOOKING FOR THE BEST PONY. TO DETERMINE WHO WOULD BE THE BEST, HE NEEDED TO FIND ONE WITH NO FEAR. EVERY PONY HE MET MET WITH A FEARSOME ROAR FROM THE MONGOLIAN WARLORD. WHEN HE CAME ACROSS A YELLOW PEGASUS LEADING A TRAIL OF DUCKS, HE STOOPED DOWN REALLY LOW NEXT TO HER. “ARE YOU SCARED?” HE YELLED INTO HER EAR. THE YELLOW PONY TURNED TO HIM. “No,” SHE whispered. “YOU ARE THE ONE,” GENGHIS SCREAMED. FLUTTERSHY FELT SOMETHING WITHIN HERSELF MOVING. THIS STRANGE MAN WAS PECULIAR INDEED. “Hey, uh, mister…” she trailed off. “Kahn. Genghis Kahn.” They both smiled. “Do you have anywhere private we could go? I’d like to discuss the fact that you may be the best pony.” Genghis and Fluttershy walked slowly to her cottage. Once inside she started to get close to Genghis on her couch. “I’ve never met a man like you before,” she said coyly. There was a knock at the door. Fluttershy sighed and went to answer it. A giant blue minotaur stood outside. “Iron Will here to make you mine!” he screamed. Genghis got off the couch as the creature walked in. “You will not have her, she is mine!” he declared. Iron Will smirked and said, “There is one way to solve this.” Genghis nodded, saying, “The only way warriors fight.” “Rap Battle!” they declared in unison. Music and phat beats began to permeate the house. “Iron Will here, stepping up to the mic Bout to give this pony a lyrical strike When Iron Will brings the fight Ain't no choice but to end it right Iron Will gonna stop you like the wall of China Can't stop now till yo ass is Mine-a Hold the phone do you know who you're dealing with? You could barely hurt a fly, let alone granny smith. When I'm down with you your Iron Will will crash down I will raid your ass like a small Chinese town Cut my lines I take what's mine” Genghis: “Hold the phone Iron, if that is your real name Go back to teaching ponies, you're playing the wrong game. I've lead men in armies conquering all of Asia I have street cred from China to Malaysia Your corny raps are as bad as your catchphrases You're better off getting lost in your mazes.” Iron: “You better stop now, Can't hope to win, When somepony tries to rap Show them they're crap I'm a monster, got bitches begging for the dick Y'all nothing, better scramble out quick Y'ain't nothing but an Easter hick Yo weak soldiers fell down with my kick” Genghis: “Little Iron Will is playing with the big boys You better go home and start playing with your baby toys I'm better than you in every conceivable way Did you know that 100% of people in the world have my DNA? Best act like the goat you are and eat up a lawn, You're about to reign in the wrath of Kahn” The beat stopped. Fluttershy trotted between the two warriors and coughed. A lighter melody began to play. “You guys need to step off Cuz I’m on the mic now, if that’s okay CUZ IM ABOUT TO FUCK YALL UP Get back with a Boyfriend, Big Mac(yup) I'm sure he misses his bitches Y'all talking like I ain't even here Like I can't even hear All your acts were just filler For the one they call killer It's I Fluttershy but I Ain’t shy no more I run this city like it was my whore You losers betta get out quick Before things get thick I'll kill the eastern hick And the big bull Who got a little too full Of his high and mighty Attitude an’ got to close to a flighty And shy little pony But she ain't taking it Now she giving it And you taking it Time to submit” Both Iron Will and Genghis walked out of the house with shame following them. Joan of Arc Joan walked from the spa refreshed. She felt sorrow for having not done her mission in finding the best pony, but it was worth it. You just didn’t find such luxury in France. Joan was walking along the streets of Ponyville when the most intoxicating aroma caught her attention. She turned a corner to see an off white pony tending to a small bed of roses. Joan walked up to her. “Hello there. My name is Joan, and who might you be, pretty pony?” The pony put down the watering can. “My name is Roseluck, and thanks for the compliments.” Joan knelt in front of the flower bed with Roseluck. “How do you grow such lovely flowers?” “When one takes a challenge upon oneself, it can become their being. Such as task it became for me when I took this up.” Joan nodded and stood up. Then she picked up the rosy pony and walked back to the time machine. She had found the best pony.