I sigh as we trot into the castle, following after the girls, Pinkie at my side. God my head hurts...
“Hey, cheer up Floyd,” Pinkie tries to console me as we enter the throne room.
I’m really not in the mood for this Pinkie, my head hurts and I just want to take a nap... I move over to the throne with Pinkie’s cutie mark on it. I climb onto it, curling up, resting my head on my arms. This is actually kinda comfy...
“Well, it is magic, silly.” Pinkie giggles at me.
“Stop reading my mind...” I grumble, putting my hooves over my head.
“That's still weird as hay you know,” Dash comments, causing me to groan more. Before I can reply, the ground starts to shake. What the fuck is that?! I open my eyes to watch in horror as the map, the fucking cutie map rises out of the ground. Oh fuck no! No! No! No! No! No!!
“Is that new?” Spike asks, sitting up on his throne. He looks at the map and smiles. “I like it!”
“Oooh! It’s all shiny!” Pinkie bounces over to it, waving her hoof in it, somehow making the image flicker.
“No!” I shout at the top of my lungs, finding the energy to get to my hooves. “I ain’t fucking going to that creepy fucking place! I’m not getting turned into a fucking mindless drone communist!” I roar, wishing the throne wasn’t attached to the floor so I could smash the fuck out of the stupid map.
“Go where? Floyd, just calm down!” Twilight insists, looking absolutely terrified.
“And to use such language in front of poor Spikey Wikey!” Rarity wails, covering the annoyed dragon's ears.
“Shove it, drama queen!” I snap back, “I ain’t going to that fucking town and none of you can fucking make me! Destiny can go screw itself! I ain’t fucking Pinkie Pie!”
“Whoa there! Whats got all you riled up? It’s just a map,” Applejack says, trying to calm me down.
“No it's fucking not! You all may be fine with being destiny's bitch but I’m not! I make my own fate, damnit!” I seethe, breathing rather heavily.
“Floyd... do you... do you know what this map is?” Twilight probes gently, raising a hoof up to her chin.
“Oh, yes I do. That stupid map sends you all to do its bidding to solve ‘friendship problems,’” I air quote, feeling the rage slowly flow out of my body. “And the first place it sends you to is a fucked up sameness cult where you get your cutie marks stolen.”
“What? You can’t steal cutie marks!” Dash scoffs with a dismissive wave of her hoof.
“If that is true then... we should do something about it...” Twilight gazes at the map rather intently, “Stolen cutie marks isn’t something we should leave alone...”
“Ah’d like to know how Floyd knows,” Applejack speaks up, causing all eyes to fall on me. Wonderful just wonderful, I had to open my big fucking mouth.
“Like I said, in my world you and your world are fictional. I know a fair bit of what's going to happen, and no I’m not going to tell any of you so don’t fucking ask...” I sit back on the throne, sagging a little, my headache having tripled in severity due to my freak out.
“I think we should go, girls,” Twilight says, looking at the map one last time. “The map obviously wants us to go and we could do those ponies a lot of good.”
“Yeah have fun with that, I ain’t going,” I inform them, curling up again. “Have fun in cult town.”
“Floyd,” Pinkie chastises, “We can’t just let our friends go by themselves, they need us.’
“They’re your friends, not mine.”
“Floyd.”
I let out a deep sigh, once again getting to my hooves. “Fine, I’ll go, but I reserve the right to bitch and moan and curse them out.” I don’t wait for their reply, simply trotting out of the room.
I sulk on the train ride, curled up away from the others, ignoring all their attempts to get me out of my funk.
“Floyd, I thought we talked about this,” Pinkie frowns, looking at me in concern. “It’s not good to let bad things rattle around your head.
I swear to all that is holy, you better not start fucking singing.
“Do you really have to use words like that? Kids could be reading this, you know...”
Story's mature. If they ignored the rating then fuck them. Wait... what the hell did I just say?
“Don’t worry about it,” Pinkie says, her frown deepening. “You promised you wouldn’t swear at my friends...”
I said I’d try, I didn’t promise anything. I sigh, rubbing my head. I’m sorry Pinkie, it's just... this is all so much all at once... I just want to sleep...
“Then sleep, silly! We can hang out in your dreams!” she said, flashing me a bright smile that didn’t help my mood at all.
That actually sounds really nice. I close my eyes and despite the pounding headache, manage to fall asleep.
I’m suddenly in my old tree house, with Pinkie rummaging through my stuff.
“What, ah... whatcha doing there Pinkie?” I ask, looking over her shoulder as she digs around in a box of my old junk.
“Just exploring~!” she singsongs, humming softly, “Human stuff is ssoo interesting! Like this thing!” She pulled out my old Game Boy, waving it around, “What's it do?”
I chuckle, taking it from her. “So you raided my memories for a Monty Python song but you didn’t take what a Game Boy was?” I roll my eyes, turning it on. “It’s a Game Boy, Pinkie, a portable game system, kinda like those arcade games you have but smaller.”
“Ooh, sounds fun!” She props herself up using my leg, watching as I play Super Mario Land. “Can I try?” she asks, reaching to take it from me.
“Sure, go ahead.” I pass it to her, taking a seat. She sits on her haunches, somehow playing with her hooves. “How are you doing that?”
“Oh silly, you already know, there's just no way to express it in words for the readers to understand!”
“Huh, guess that makes sense...” I say, rubbing the back of my head.
“So... you know the future, huh?” Pinkie asks, pouting as a Goomba gets her.
“Yup... and I’m not happy we’re going on this stupid mission,” I reply, closing my eyes, “We should have just stayed home and slept in...”
“We can’t do that! We’re Laughter itself! You need the whole set or it just doesn’t work!” she argues, not looking away from the screen.
“No, you’re Laughter, I’m just an asshole you took the driver’s seat.”
She sighs, shaking her head. “You heard Luna, Floyd. I got a little of you and you got a little of me, we’re like uh... what’s the word when you’re twins but not really twins? Paternal?”
“Fraternal,” I correct.
“Yeah! That! Besides, with the two of us, I’m sure there isn’t anything we can’t overcome!” She puts the game down, pulling me into a tight hug. I can’t help but smile, returning her hug.
“You’re like a big teddy bear...” I mumble, petting her back.
“Hehe, stop that! I’m not a dog!” she giggles, trying to pull away.
“No, but you are close to one,” I joke, scratching her ears.
“Ohhh... that feels good...” she moans, thumping her leg happily.
“You sure you’re not part dog?” I ask, laughing a little. I sigh, laying down on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. “I miss this place...”
“Well, if I was in a world full of humans, I know I’d be homesick too.” Pinkie lays across me, with her head on my chest.
“Yeah...” I say softly, gently petting her head, just staring at the ceiling.
“Hey Floyd?”
“Hmm?” I ask, looking at her.
“When we get back, how about we go see my family?” Pinkie suggests, giving me a smile. “I bet they're gonna love you!”
“I dunno, Pinkie...” I rub my chin in thought, “It’ll probably be way too awkward...”
“Hey, come on! They're your family now, too!” she argues, placing her hooves on my chest and pushing herself up.
I sigh, knowing that there isn’t any way out of this. “Okay... okay, I’ll go see your family.”
“Our family!” she pokes my chest, pressing her muzzle against my nose.
“Fine, fine, our family,” I concede, rolling my eyes. Whatever you say, Pinkie. We relax like that for a while, passing the time with stories of my childhood.
“Welcome to die...” I mumble, looking down at Our Town with a hateful glare. I have half a mind to try and pull a Fat Man out of my mane and just nuke the town from here, but I doubt Pinkie would let me. I ignore the others as they chatter, making my way down to the village. “How much trouble do you think I’d be in if I just stabbed Starlight Glimmer?”
“Floyd!” she chastises, “Where are all these meanie thoughts coming from?”
“Gee, I dunno, probably from all the shit I’ve been through the past two days,” I answer, taking cover behind a rock.
“Still! You’re thinking about hurting somepony! That's not good!”
“I’m fine Pinkie, I just...” I sigh, not even sure how I was feeling anymore. I look up, seeing Pinkie was hugging me, or at least trying to.
“I know, Floyd, I know. I know you’re not as okay as you say you are and that's OK, but violence isn’t the answer.”
I take a deep breath, letting out a long sigh. “Yeah... you're right... sorry Pinkie.”
“Floyd?” Twilight asks as the others join us, all looking at me in worry.
“I was just working some things out with Pinkie, Twilight. I’m fine.” I smile before looking at the town. “God, it’s even creepier in person...”
“Yeah, those smiles are just bad news.” Pinkie gets this serious look on her face, narrowing her eyes. “I don’t like it at all.”
We head into town and things play out much like they did in the episode, with Pinkie helping to keep me from beating Starlight into a bloody mess, because let’s be honest here, there’s no one better to take out one’s ‘meanie thoughts’ on than fucking Starlight Glimmer.
Okay they're doing that song. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie and myself counteract that shit by jamming ‘Dare To Be Stupid’ in our head. Bitch can’t touch Weird Al!
“Floyd? Why does Weird Al sound like Cheese Sandwich?” Pinkie asks, tilting her head to the side in confusion.
“Same reason why Discord has the voice of John de Lancie,” I respond, rolling my eyes. “Also you have very poorly thought out this entire idea,” I say to Starlight, who gives me this really condescending look.
“Oh, really?” she smiles, “What makes you say that?”
I open my mouth to speak before I decide to just dick with her. “I know what I know boy,” I start, speaking with my best old man impression, “But I’m not telling it!” Her smile melts into a look of utter confusion.
“Uh, what?”
I just smile at her, not saying a word.
“Are you just gonna steal other ponies’ gags now?” Pinkie asks, giving me a bemused look.
Hey shut up! Not like you haven’t done it before!
“At least I do gags that ponies understand! You're stealing gags from old movies nopony watched!”
We go back and forth for a while, with me starting to speak out loud, getting looks from the girls, though the cult ponies don’t really seem bothered by it at all. We take a seat at a table, with the girls getting snippy at each other.
“You know, arguing with each other is only proving their point...” I say, giving them all a flat look. Sugar Belle trots over, wearing what was thankfully not a creepy-ass smile.
“Is your friendship ending?” she asks, looking at Rarity.
“Small arguments are actually a good sign that a relationship of any kind is healthy,” I speak, looking at her. “Now, a sign of an unhealthy relationship is constantly agreeing on everything. That's when you get problems.”
“Ok, well... my name is Sugar Belle.” She levitates up a notepad, “What can I get you? We have muffins.”
“That's quite the selection you got there,” I snark, leaning back in my chair. “I guess we’ll just have the muffins, six of them.”
“Oooh! make it twelve!” Pinkie pipes up with a grin.
No. Just trust me, you don’t want more than one of these muffins, seriously.
“Ah... ok...” Pinkie pouts, hanging her head a little.
I give the girls a stern look. “Now, I know what’s going to happen. You ain’t pushing all those muffins on me. We’re all going to eat one or we’ll just sit here like a bunch of doofuses all day.”
“Whatever you say, Floyd,” Dash rolls her eyes, not really taking me seriously.
“Come on girls,” Twilight whispers, leaning in close. “We’ve got to stick together. It doesn’t matter what happened before, we’re here now.”
The girls soften, with Applejack giving a small smile. “I guess you're right. And the sooner we figure out why, the sooner we can go home.”
A moment later, Sugar Belle slides a plate of really nasty ass looking muffins on the table. Both Pinkie and I recoil at the sight in horror.
“Forgive me for overhearing, but just a moment ago you were disagreeing, and now it sounds like you're... agreeing,” Sugar Belle points out, seemingly confused by this.
“Like I said, small disagreements are a good thing,” I repeat, silently gulping as I grab a muffin and pop it into my mouth. Oh GOD! This is worse than pecan swirls! “Poison!” I hiss, flailing around. “Poison for the lose!” I fall out of my chair, making gagging sounds.
“I don’t even have taste buds and that's the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!” Pinkie agrees, gagging as well. “Worse than the baked bads!”
“Floyd!” Rarity scolds, frowning at my dramatics.
“It's all right. I know I'm not a very good baker. At least, I know I'm not any better than anypony else in the village.” She looks down before glancing fearfully at Double Diamond. “Well, I... hope you enjoy our little village!” She trots to the door before whispering. “Come inside before you go! Meet me downstairs!” She gives Double the creepy smile before dashing inside.
“See?” I ask as I recover, pulling myself back into my seat, “I’m not eating anymore of those muffins.” I cross my arms, glaring at them all. “Not a single one. So either eat up or we’re just gonna sit here.”
“Well uh... you got the strongest stomach, Floyd...” Applejack says with a sheepish smile, trying to weasel her way out of it. I just narrow my eyes, not budging from my position. They all look from me to the muffins before giving in and eating them. I just smirk, humming a little tune to myself.
If there ever were a truly appropriate moment for ‘dead man walking’, it’d be right now. Here we are... walking up to the cutie mark vault, and my legs just won’t stop trembling. Pinkie, we only have one shot at this. If things go tits up, we take out Starlight ASAP. I’m thinking either a good buck to the face or a frying pan to the back of the head.
“Why would a teat go up? They’re supposed to hang down for foals, silly.” Pinkie says, smiling innocently.
It’s an expression Pinkie. I sigh out loud, shaking my head.
“And here is the Staff of Sameness,” Starlight says, trotting up to a wooden tuning fork. “It was one of the great mage Meadowbrook's nine enchanted items.” She takes it in her magic. “We are incredibly fortunate to have it here. This is the tool that allows us to free ourselves from our marks! I’m curious – how did the subject of the vault come up?”
“We asked,” I say, shrugging a little.
“You... asked?” She raises her eyebrow, looking a bit skeptical.
“We were talking to Sugar Belle while she was making us some more muffins, I asked if the marks were removed or overwritten, she told us that they were kept in a vault, and out of curiosity we asked you if we could see them,” I lie, putting on my best poker face as she looks me over.
“Did she now... well, excuse me if I don’t believe you.” She gives us a look of contempt. “It seems you inspire all sorts of free thinking, don't you?
Oh... fuck...
Rarity lets out a nervous laugh. “Well, w-we certainly didn't intend to cause any disruptions to your charming little—”
I stop paying attention as the townsponies spring their trap. I reach into my mane, pulling out a frying pan. She gets Twilight with her spell, giving me the chance to lunge at her, catching her in the side of the head with a loud thunk. Instead of dropping like I wanted, she recovers and hits me with the spell.
“Bitch!’ I hiss as I squirm, feeling something leave my body. I fall to the ground with a groan, blinking a few times, She gets the rest of the girls, placing their marks in the vault.
“Floyd...” Pinkie whines, her color fading, the mark missing from her ghostly form as well, “I don’t feel so good...”
I know Pinkie... I know...
“Aw,” Starlight taunts, looking at us, “I don't blame you for what you tried to do here today. You've spent your whole lives thinking those marks are a good thing.”
“Give them back!” Twilight demands, only for Starlight to get in her face.
“Well, now you can spend the rest of your lives here with us!” Starlight rants as she places the staff back on its pedestal, “And we'll teach you just how much better life can be without your cutie marks!”