//------------------------------// // Equestria Boys 2: The Long Return of Something Not that Entertaining but Screw it, Better than Community Season 4 // Story: The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted // by defender2222 //------------------------------// "Superintendent Discord, are you ready to begin?" Councilmen Honesty asked. The former spirit of chaos (and current superintendent of Canterlot High) flashed a weak smile as he went through the briefcase he'd found; he assumed it was his since it was sitting on a table next to a little piece of folded paper that said 'Superintendent Discord S. Disharmony' (The S stood for Sexgod… or Spirit, depending on who you asked). "Yes, yes, in a few moments," he said, burying his nose in the briefcase. "Just need to gather a few more things..." "I doubt you need a copy of 'Busty Breezies'," Loyalty said as he walked by, the golden man reaching out and snagging the magazine. "Though I can't fault you for your taste..." He looked over at the brooding member of the council. "Oh, I'm sorry Doubt, didn't mean to name check you." "That never gets old, Loyalty," Doubt said quietly, her eyes narrowed into slits. "And if you are done goofing around I'd like to get this farce of a council meeting done with." "Now now, let's be civil," Generosity said, pulling out a compact and checking her makeup. "No need to be rude." "Yes, let's all act like professionals," Kindness said. "We are all on the same team." "We are... it remains to be seen if the Superintendent is," Honesty said gravely. "We agreed to not come to any judgments until all sides had spoken," Faith reminded them. Discord frown. There was something rather disturbing about listening to the physical embodiments of the Elements of Harmony talk about him like he wasn't there. Oh yes, he'd figured out quite quickly that he was dealing with the Elements; it was pretty obvious when they blatantly went by 5 of the 6 names. The inclusion of the youngest one, the silver man with black locks named 'Faith' (and that was such a girl's name) was odd but no odder than 'Magic' being an element of harmony (he wondered if the Tree of Harmony had gotten drunk and pulled Magic out of its sap-hole when it realized it had ran out of ideas). In fact it made more sense as an element than Magic. The inclusion of the dark and brooding female that went by the name 'Doubt', however... that one was making his snaggletooth twitch. "Of course, baby brother," Loyalty said with a grin, patting Faith on the head before taking his seat at the school board table. He kicked his feet up onto the polished oak surface and leaned back in his chair, the adult magazine still firmly held in his hands. "Now then, let's get this show on the road, shall we? It feels like we've been here for ages." "Over a year, I'd say!" Laughter replied with a chortle. "It's almost as if our entire existence is the creation of some fanfiction writer who ran into Writer's Block and then went to write other stories but they didn't get as many reviews as he'd liked so being a fickle bastard he came crawling back to us in the vain hope of recapturing some of the attention he'd once had!" Laughter's brothers and sisters just stared at her. "Or, you know, we've just been sitting here a for a few minutes," Generosity said, smacking her lips together to make sure her lipstick was spread evenly. "Whatever the reason we are ready to begin," Honestly said. "Kindness, please read the minutes of the last meeting." As the school board woman began to tell everyone about who had attended the last meeting and their decisions about the amount of nuggets per serving for the school lunch Discord leaned back in his chair and smiled. He'd been thrown off his game thanks to his strange new form, lack of powers, and the living embodiments of the Elements of Harmony but now he was back and ready for whatever this world threw at him. Yes, he lacked his magic but from the sounds of it he wouldn't need any snapping fingers or wiggling noses to spread some chaos around the boring little ‘burb he found himself in. "Thank you, Kindness," Honesty said. "Now then, let us move to the main part of our agenda: determining if we should shut down Canterlot High and fire Superintendent Discord and the rest of the staff." “And arrest them from gross negligence!” Generosity chimed in. Discord opened his mouth only to find no words would come out. "Superintendent?" The Spirit of Chaos pulled at his collar. "Uh... can we have a 5 minute bathroom break?" “I’d like one as well,” Loyalty said, turning a page. “Oh, those can’t be real!” The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 32: Equestria Boys 2: The Long Return of Something Not that Entertaining but Screw it, Better than Community Season 4 "Is everyone all set?" Tydal asked his little sisters. "Yes," Chrysalis, Cadance, Luna and Celestia all said, standing in a line in front of him like good little soldiers. "Do you all have on your thick woolly socks so you can't see the 'evil' toes?" Luna lifted up a midnight blue stocking foot. "Check!" The War God fought the urge to roll his eyes. When he’d first been a human he’d been stark naked and hadn’t freaked out like his sisters. Hell, Merida hadn't freaked out when she SAW him naked and trying to steal her gold. "And you will allow me to do most of the talking?" Tydal said, raising a single eyebrow. "We follow your lead," Celestia said. Tydal nodded. "Very good. No come on, let us-" The door to his office opened and a heavy set older woman with her gray hair in a tight bun marched in, wagging a cooking spoon right at Celestia and Luna. "Now you dang principals listen ta me and listen good! I've been makin' food in this cafeteria for years and if you think I'm going to let you cut down the number of apple deserts we serve from 37 to 31 ya'll are mistaken! I don't care what dang budget cuts you claim we need to make, these young'uns needs apples in their diet-" "WHATEVER YOU WANT YOU CAN HAVE, SCARY MONKEY CREATURE!" Luna screamed at Granny Smith, trying to climb onto the coat rack. Celestia had merely frozen in place, eyes wide with terror. "...well, I don't know about the new nickname ya'll given me but I'm thankful ya'll seen things my way!" She spun her spoon on her fingers before holstering it in her apron pocket, happily leaving the office and the four trembling former mares. Tydal held his head in his hands. "Okay, let's start back at square one." ~MC~MC~MC~ "The fact remains that Canterlot High has been grossly mismanaged," Doubt said. She’d risen from her chair and was now pacing back and forth between the two sets of tables that were set up in the library. "It is bleeding money and frankly I have little hope that anything can be done to stem the loss. It would be better for us to shut down rather than pour more good money onto bad." "I thought we were here to determine the facts, not state opinion," Faith said. "We are doing exactly that," Doubt said tersely, glaring at the silver man. Faith smirked at her. "Funny, because it sounds like you've already made up your mind." "Haven't we all?" Doubt asked. "We all know what has been going on... why continue this farce?" "I haven't made my decision," Faith said sternly, "and saying you have proves you are the wrong person to be leading this discussion." "Calm down, baby brother," Loyalty said with a grin. "It is hard not to have an opinion when it comes to this." "But Faith is right. We said we'd give the Superintendent the time to discuss our issues and so far we have done a poor job of doing that." Kindness nodded towards Discord. "Well?" "Uh..." Discord said sheepishly. On one paw...er... talon... er... hand... he knew that what was happening didn't really affect him. It was clear that he'd ended up in another dimension and, somehow, found himself trapped in an alternate version of his body. He remembered well that his brother had been to such a world, and their Mother as well, and knew that it was only a matter of time before he got back to his semi-phenomenal nearly-cosmic self. These trivial matters were, quite frankly, beneath him. And yet... to this world's Discord they mattered. He could tell by the files he'd found in his cluttered briefcase that his alternate self, while possessing the... free-spiritness... that he had, cared about this Canterlot High and the teachers and students that called it home 9 months out of the year. To bungle things up now and then leave the mess would be to mess up his own life; worse, it would be taking away things from his alternate self. Discord shuddered, remembering his time as stone, and vowed that he wouldn't rob this Discord of his freedom and livelihood as he had been robbed. Besides, if the unemployment office was anything like the one in Equestria... there was chaos and then there was CHAOS. "I believe it would best serve us if somepo...someone went through the list of offenses you claim have occurred and then I can present my own defense." "That sounds fair," Generosity stated. "Better than spending hours going back and forth about the same thing and making all this overly complex." "Allow me," Doubt said, snatching a piece of paper from the council table. She cleared her throat before beginning. "First, there is the poor graduation rate." "I'm sure it can't be that bad..." Discord said. "For the last 7 years the same young woman has won the crown for the Fall Formal," Doubt said, glaring at Discord. "She is, by all appearances, STILL a junior." "So she was held back a few times..." "Half your students have apparently been in high school for years," Doubt complained. "And then there is the lax in proper record keeping. Did you know I couldn't find an enrollment form for the last two winners of the Fall Formal, a Miss Sunset Shimmer and Miss Twilight Sparkle." “And I find it very odd that Miss Sparkle was at your school when she is currently enrolled at a Crystal Prep,” Honesty stated. “And there is the matter of the birth certificate for a Miss Sunset Shimmer…” Loyalty stated glibly. “Oh, she’s Celestia’s kid,” Shining Armor said, throwing the doors open and marching into the room. “It’s a tragically beautiful story… or beautifully tragic. I can’t remember which. Hi Discord!” Before the humanized Spirit of Chaos could react Shining smacked him across the back of his head. “Oh, smooth move there!” Discord just stared at Shining Armor is shock. “Mr. Armor,” Faith said in surprise. “What is a representative for Crystal Prep doing here?” “Crystal Prep?” Shining asked. “Huh, must have graduated since I was last here.” A bit louder he stated, “Don’t mind me, I just need to grab ol’ Stinkybutt here.” “Excuse me?” Discord said, glaring at Shining Armor. The white human merely grinned before smacking Discord on the back hard enough to nearly dislodge the Chaos God’s teeth. “I think it’s a great new nickname for you! I plan to use it while we’re here!” “…you figured out I don’t have powers here and thus can abuse me as much as you want, didn’t you?” Shining let out a mock gasp of surprise. “Wow! You figured it out! High five!” Shining’s hand lashed out and he smacked Discord in the forehead. “That’s for brainwashing my sister, Stinkybutt” he hissed. “When we return…” Discord growled in annoyance. “…I’m immortal now too, Stinkybutt… and Tydal and the Princesses gave me permission to abuse you!” “Enough!” Doubt roared, slamming her fist against the table. “I will not have this meeting made into a mockery!” “Yeah! Laughter does that enough as it is!” Loyalty said with a laugh. "Hey Discord, do you want the magazine back or-" Laughter, for her part, was too busy trying to play classical music with all their drinking glasses. “What? I wasn’t paying attention.” Honestly stood up to his full height and glared at Shining Armor. “I do not know why you are here and why you feel the need to interrupt but I am going to ask you to leave. This meeting does not involve you or your school! It is about Canterlot High-“ “And that is exactly why I am here!” Shining said with a grin. “We are having some issues and I need Discord to hurry up and get back. Requested by Princ…er… ipal Celestia herself!” “Issues?” Generosity asked while Doubt flashed a feral grin. “No, no issues!” Discord said quickly. “Not at all!” “Uh yes, there are. You need to come with me,” Shining said. “I really don’t,” Discord countered. “I need to stay here and finish the meeting and Canterlot High is running completely fine.” “No, it isn’t. It is a mess and you need to come with me now.” “I am sure you are exaggerating,” Discord said. Shining shook his head. “Really I’m not.” “Trust me,” Discord said with a fake smile, “you need to be.” Shining rolled his eyes. “And trust me… you do!” Leaning in close he whispered, “The princesses are screaming about having toes… Tydal wants you back at the school now.” “Toes?” Faith asked. “Dean Tydal Coldwater?” Honesty said in confusion. “Yeah, totally a thing,” Shining said, grabbing Discord’s arm and dragging him towards the door. “Not a thing!” Discord called out. “The poor boy is insane. Dropped on his head as a child. Uh, everything's under control. It's why his parents decided to adopt Luna's daughter instead of producing another offspring! Situation normal.” “Really?” Kindness asked, not sounding at all like she believed him. "Luna has a kid?" Laughter asked. "As in small person or a billy goat?" Shining shook his head. “Uh, no. We had a slight… school malfunction.” Discord quickly chimed in, “But uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you." He looked at the board and weakly smiled. "How are you?” Faith stood up and looked at the others. “I think it might be best with we postponed things. I’ll go with Superintendent Discord and Mr. Armor and see if there is a problem. That will also give me a chance to look the school over myself.” It was Shining’s turn to panic. “Uh, uh... negative, negative. We had a reactor leak there now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous.” “All the more reason for me to come with,” Faith said, giving Shining a cool glare before moving to follow after him. “Brothers, sisters… Doubt… I say we come back tomorrow to discuss what I found.” With that Faith followed after Shining Armor and Discord, both of whom were trying to talk him out of going. The rest of the schoolboard looked at each other before Honestly let out a sigh. “You know he’ll find an excuse to block the proposal.” “Even if there is a leak?” Generosity asked. “Especially if there is,” Loyalty commented, casually licking his finger and flipping a page. "I should really get a subscription to this..." Kindness bit her lip. “Maybe we should think this over… I’m not exactly sold on shutting the high school down…” Doubt let out a huff of frustration, gathering her things. “You all lack the will to do what must be done! I am tired of Faith being able to convince you all to give that school another chance over and over-“ Honesty glared at the dark female. “I would remind you that you are not President of this Council… I am. You are only here because you were married at one time to Faith… but with that union dissolved it is only at my pleasure you remain on the board… and I can revoke that privilege at any time. So watch yourself.” “No, Honesty,” Doubt whispered to herself, “watch YOURSELF.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “See, this isn’t too bad,” Tydal said, leading the four former alicorns down the hallway. Luckily for them class was currently in session, meaning there were few students in the halls to see their Principal, Vice Principal, Drama Teacher, and the Dean of Crystal Prep holding each others' hands and walking in a line like a group of five year-olds on a field trip. The four were looking about nervously, head swiveling about as if they expected a monster to suddenly burst out of a classroom. “Completely normal, just like a normal school with normal students-“ “Who are scary bipedal ape monsters with wiggly toes,” Luna whimpered. “…yeah,” Tydal muttered, calling upon the well of patience that every parent seemed to have when dealing with their kids and their irrational issues. He was ten seconds away from going to find them ice cream and balloons to calm them down when he spotted what he was looking for. “There she is!” He tugged on Celestia’s hand and forced the girls to hurry up. “According to the computer records she is in here.” “You still haven’t told us who ‘she' is,” Chrysalis stated with a huff. Rather than answer Tydal knocked on the door and a purple woman greeted him. “Dean Tydal? What are you doing here?” “I need to see Sunset Shimmer; it concerns ‘Ponyville’.” “Oh!” Sunset exclaimed, hurriedly grabbing her backpack and leaping from her seat. “Of course! That! I think my friends should come too. Come on girls… sorry, Miss Cheerilee.” “No problem,” the teacher said pleasantly. “Oh, hello Principal Celestia! Are you here to sit in on our class?” Celestia blinked. “No, I don’t-“ “Yes, she is!” Tydal said quickly. He leaned in towards the four and whispered, “this will be perfect. Just sit in there and listen… you don’t have to see anything new for a bit and might learn more about this world. I need to talk to Sunset in private for a moment but I’ll be right back.” His sisters gave him a concerned look but finally bravely nodded their heads and walked inside. Tydal began to walk down the hall, his arm wrapping around Sunset as he gave her a friendly hug. “Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie… not quite sure why you are here…” “They are my friends now,” Sunset stated as she led Tydal into an unused classroom. “And they know about Equestria.” “Oh,” Tydal stated. “Huh.” “Yes,” Rarity stated, giving him a dirty look. “It wasn’t easy… what with you convincing dear Sunset here that she should ruin our lives and become an evil manipulative monster-“ “In fairness you DID mace me when I came to say hello,” Tydal pointed out before turning back to Sunset. “So they… know?” “About Equestria? Yeah. Most people in the school now know.” When Tydal quirked an eyebrow at that Sunset sighed. “You heard about Twilight coming here, right?” “You stole her crown,” Tydal said, a look of disapproval flashing on his features. “When we discussed how to improve your life here before I left last time I don’t remember ‘make an army of brainwashed teens’ being a topic of conversation.” Sunset looked down. “Yeah… that was a messed up week. Sorry. But the point is that now pretty much everyone knows about Equestria and magic.” “Yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Sometimes we get pony ears and wings and tails… it is amazing! Can you do that?” Tydal glanced up at his hornless head. “Not that I know of.” “So you are one of them ponies too?” Applejack asked. Tydal glared at her. “It is only because you are a minor that I do not smack you for that.” He puffed out his chest. “I am a Capricorn.” “…you mean those goat things that only have two legs and drag their butts on the ground?” Rainbow Dash asked. Tydal growled. “I have four legs…” he looked down at himself. “I mean… there I do. Here I… screw it. The point is that somehow my family and I got transported here because Discord is an idiot. Celestia and Luna and Cadence and Chrysalis are freaking out and I need your help getting them adjusted till we go home.” “Why are they freaked out?” Pinkie asked. “This reality is awesome! We have pizza bagels!” Sunset shrugged. “Well, Twilight was freaked out and so was I when we first came here…” Tydal noticed the way Sunset was looking at her feet. “By the Tide, not you too with the toes!” “Toes are freaky!” Sunset complained. “All wiggly and sticking out… ugh.” “So that’s why you wear socks in the shower after gym class!” Applejack proclaimed. “I thought it was just a fashion statement.” “I’ve been telling you it wasn’t for ages,” Rarity complained. “Well, toes are… weird,” Fluttershy said. “There is nothing to do with them!” Rainbow complained. “At least with legs you can kick things!” “We are not here to debate the merits of toes!” Tydal roared. “And I never thought I’d have to say that.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “The point is… I need your help with my sisters. They are scared and confused and I want them to have a better understanding of this world.” “Wait… so that is Princess Celestia? My Princess Celestia?” Sunset said. “Oh right… she’s your mom, right?” Pinkie said. “That was established back in Episode 16.” “…what?” Rarity said. “You know, Episode 16. Equestria Boys. Shining Armor had sex with Cadence!” “Admitedly they do that a lot already,” Tydal said before waving off that train of thought. “And yes, this is your Princess Celestia. I just realized how stressful and emotional it will be for you. Huh… well, I’ll be here to help you out.” “That doesn’t make things better,” Rarity stated dryly. “Hey!” Tydal snapped, wagging his finger at the white female. “When you can tell me where the hell your accent came from… then you can talk.” Rarity opened her mouth only to lean back, abashed. “Thought so.” Sunset looked nervously at Tydal. “Uh…” “Oh, don’t worry, I know she won’t ever be able to tell me where that accent came from.” “No,” Sunset said, holding up a hand, “that’s not the problem. Do… do you realize what class you left the princesses in?” “What? History? Math?” “Sex Ed.” ~MC~MC~MC~ “The Miracle of Birth…” the narrator of the TV stated. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” Chrysalis screamed. “NO! NO!” Celestia cried in horror. “The newborn has now passed through the birthing canel and emerges-“ Luna trembled in horror, looking decidedly green around the gills. “The little monster monkey is tearing the bigger one apart!” “Ew ew ew ew ew ew!” Celestia exclaimed, trying to cover her eyes. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” Chrysalis screamed. “NO! NO!” Celestia screamed in horror. “I’m never having sex again,” Cadence whimpered. Luna pointed at the screen. “IT HAS LITTLE TOES!”