//------------------------------// // Chapter 01 // Story: Walkies // by Fernin //------------------------------// “Ho ho ho, they’ll never catch the Crimson Criminal! Nopony is as clever as me!” Vigilance rocked the little red unicorn figurine back and forth as if the ‘Crimson Criminal’ was laughing mockingly. The little earth pony colt set down the carved unicorn and turned to a slightly larger earth pony figurine. The midnight blue toy was decked in workmanlike copper-tinted armor, the street uniform of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Vigilance’s voice dropped an octave—or as near as he could manage—as the guard pony ‘spoke.’ “Not if I have anything to say about it, you petty thief! Stop in the name of the Princess!” “Oh no!” cried Vigilance, his voice rising back to the shrill tones of the ‘Crimson Criminal.’ The red unicorn toy reared up in horror. “It can’t be you!” “Honey?” a voice interrupted. Vigilance looked up to see a brown-coated unicorn mare peering in the door to his room. He grinned up at her. “Yes, Mom?” Perseverance smiled indulgently at her son. He loved playing ‘guards and robbers’ with those little dolls. “Your father will be home soon, Vigilance. Time to clean up your room. I’ll be in the kitchen finishing dinner, so could you set the table?” “Oooh, what’s for dinner?” Whatever it was, Vigilance could already smell the delicious meal as warm air from the kitchen wafted down the hall and into his room. “Leek and carrot stew, your favorite!” Perseverance said. The colt brightened immediately, just as expected. “Now, put away your dolls—” “Action figures!” shrilled Vigilance. “…Action figures,” the smiling mare continued, “And make sure to set the table! I’d better get back to the stew before it burns.” “Okay, Mom.” Vigilance watched for a moment as his mother closed the door, then turned back to his toys. He frowned. He’d been so close to finishing the arrest, too. Biting his lip, the little brown colt moved to pick up the Swift Justice figurine. Hmm… Aha! An idea dropped fully formed into Vigilance’s mind as if placed there by some clever deity. He grinned in delight. Of course! It was perfect. Eyes narrowing, the colt picked up his blue guard pony figurine and waved it threateningly at the ‘Crimson Criminal.’ “Yes, it is I! Swift Justice of the Equestrian Royal Guard! And I’m taking you in for the robbery of the First Royal Bank of Canterlot! Come quietly. It’s the toy box for you!” Vigilance trotted ‘Swift Justice’ menacingly across the floor. The ‘Crimson Criminal’ stood frozen to the spot in fearful silence at her nemesis’ approach. The villain’s paralysis couldn’t last forever. In Vigilance’s imagination, the ‘Crimson Criminal’s horn flared with deadly intent. “No! My unicorn magic will stop you, Justice! Die!” One swing of Vigilance’s hoof sent a box of pencils flying towards Swift Justice. The figurine dodged and jinked to avoid the projectiles, but several found their mark and the toy guard went down and lay still. The red unicorn figurine slid carefully out of her hiding place behind a leg of the chair. “Hah! So perish all who oppose the Crimson Criminal! And now, I think I’ll take your helmet as proof of my victory over you, Not-So-Swift Justice!” The red unicorn mare approached the prone stallion and edged him carefully with one hoof. He didn’t move. The Crimson Criminal leaned down to take the guard helmet from Swift Justice’s head… Swift Justice’s head jerked up, his eyes snapping open to glare at the shocked miscreant. “Hah! Stealing from the dead now, Crimson Criminal?” Flinty hooves lashed out and caught the surprised unicorn on the jaw. She flew back, slamming into the leg of the chair and came up swinging. “You’ll pay for that, Swift Justice!” The door creaked open and a deep and faintly surprised voice brought the epic battle to an abrupt and unsatisfying end. “What’s going on in here, Vigilance?” “Uh… er… uhm… Hello, Dad?” stammered Vigilance, quickly sweeping his toys behind him. The colt stared up into the face of Sergeant Cobalt and struggled to his hooves, standing at some approximation of rigid attention. The two were silent for a moment as the muscular tan stallion looked down disapprovingly at his son. “Didn’t your mother ask you to do something before I got home from patrol?” asked the royal guard, finally breaking the silence with the one question Vigilance had hoped wouldn’t be asked. Vigilance tried to meet his father’s gaze, but the weight of guilt dragged his head down until he was staring at the floor. “…Yes, sir.” “And is the table set?” asked Sergeant Cobalt, watching the little colt sag more with every word. Fighting an urge to sink into the floor, Vigilance shook his head. “Dad, I just lost track of time! I was putting my toys away, honest!” The colt’s room could just as easily have been an interrogation chamber down at the city’s guardhouse. Sergeant Cobalt’s voice varied not a whit as he repeated his earlier question. “And is the table set?” Vigilance could tell there was no escape. He drooped even more and closed his eyes, awaiting his punishment. “No, sir. It isn’t.” Sighing, Cobalt shook his head and ruffled his son’s mane. “I’m disappointed in you, Vigilance. You know better than this. How are you going to grow up to be a royal guard pony like me if you can’t follow your mother’s orders?” Vigilance tried to keep his lip from quivering. Fighting back against the tears threatening to well up in his eyes, he nodded. “Y-yes sir. I’m sorry, sir.” “I’m not the one who you should be apologizing to, Vigilance. Your mother works hard for you. For the both of us,” said Sergeant Cobalt. “Never be a pony content to live off the kindness of others. Always be ready to help somepony else. All right?” The colt stood as tall as he could and nodded. “All right, Dad.” “Good. Remember that. Now come on, we still need you to set the table before dinner. Off you go.” Cobalt swatted his son’s flank, propelling the young colt towards the door. Feeling his spirits rise, Vigilance paused and turned back to his father. “Thanks, Dad. Er… does this mean I’m not still in trouble?” Sergeant Cobalt scowled. “A future guard pony would know not to ask silly questions like that. Since you can’t put your toys before helping your mother, no toys for a week. Report to your mother for your additional duties for the evening after dinner.” “But—” Vigilance sighed. “Sir, yes sir!” “Off you go. On the double!” called the guard sergeant, barely holding back the chuckle he’d been keeping down through most the conversation. He smiled as his son hurried down the hall. The little guy was guard material, through and through. Why, if all went well, it wouldn’t be long before Vigilance was cantering down the streets of Manehattan, shouting things like… * * * "Stop right there, criminal scum!" Vigilance exclaimed around his flashlight, glaring threateningly and playing the blinding beam down the darkened corridor. His words cracked through the air like the snap of a crossbow bolt as he bore down on his prey, giving no chance for escape. A dozen years and a few of life’s curveballs had done little to dim the stallion's ardor for justice. For too long trash like this had cluttered up his beat. Not tonight! Not while Officer Vigilance was on patrol. "You thought you could escape? You thought wrong." The earth pony closed the last few paces at an unhurried walk, his steely-eyed stare leaving the worthless refuse practically rooted to the spot. He reached out and— The door of a nearby room opened and Nurse Coldheart poked her head into the hallway. "Keep it down out there! What's going on? What kind of foal would—Vigilance? What are you doing?" Ponyfeathers. Shooting the annoyed mare a sheepish glance, Vigilance delayed his inevitable humiliation by trotting forward the last few steps to the offender and completed his ‘arrest.’ The night guard’s flashlight made a guilty clink as he slid it into his belt. The discarded candy wrapper crinkled in the stallion’s teeth as he picked it up from the tile floor. With embarrassment thick in the air Vigilance carried the litter to the nearest wastebasket and dropped it in, discarding with it his latest daydreams of an exciting life in the Equestrian Royal Guard. "Sorry, Nurse Coldheart. Just, uh, voicing my opinion on ponies who don’t use the bins.” "Oh. Well, keep it down out there." Without even waiting for the guard’s acknowledgement, Coldheart ducked back out of sight. Vigilance continued his beat, hooves ringing on the floor as he resumed his patrol. Now, where was he…? Ah yes. The grizzled stallion trod slowly through the cobbled alley, a lonely member of Their Majesties’ finest out in the mean streets of— "And Vigilance?" Nurse Coldheart didn't even bother sticking her head out into the hall this time, contenting herself with nagging the security guard from the comfort of some patient's room. Vigilance paused. " Yes?" "Could you... could you walk a bit more quietly? Our patients need their rest." Vigilance could almost hear Nurse Coldheart rolling her eyes. Sighing, the security guard bit back a scathing retort. "Of course, Nurse Coldheart." Picking his way carefully and much more stealthily down the hall, Vigilance caught sight of himself in the observation window of one of the rooms. Short-cropped gray mane. Brown pelt. Purple eyes. Frumpy blue uniform incomparably distant from the sturdy armor worn by even the street patrol sections of the Equestrian Royal Guard. And there on his flank, the stupid, lying stud stamp of a silver shield. He sighed again. "Vigilance, you'll get there one day. You'll—GAH!" Something slammed against the glass on the other side of the observation window. Lightning-quick reflexes threw Vigilance back against the far wall of the hallway as a crazed shape on the other side pressed her front hooves and nose against the barrier, painting the window white with the condensation of her breath as she panted and barked eagerly. The stallion’s heart thudded in his chest, beating against his ribs almost as hard as the patient had thrown herself into the window. "Stupid nut!" Vigilance snarled, banging a vicious hoof against the glass. He hissed in satisfaction as the mare flinched. He struck the glass once more for good measure and the blue-pelted mare whimpered, her ears splayed back as she shrank away from the observation window. “Not so fun when you’re the one getting the life scared out of you, is it?” “Vigilance! What are you doing?” hissed a voice behind the guard. Vigilance froze. Nurse Coldheart’s reflection appeared in the window, glaring daggers at him. Sheepishly lowering his hoof, the stallion turned to face the very picture of offended rage. “Nurse Coldheart! I, uh… Screw Loose threw herself against the glass and, uh…” Any excuses Vigilance might have managed quickly withered under the nurse’s frosty gaze. “‘Screw Loose?’” Coldheart repeated, mouth curling around the hospital guards’ unofficial nickname for the madmare as though it left foul taste on her tongue. “You mean, Ms. Pony?” Vigilance groaned. He was going to hear about this one in the morning. * * * Vigilance shifted uncomfortably as Doctor Stable flipped a page in the notebook and continued reading. The clock on the wall ticked off the seconds in the awkward silence. When Nurse Tenderheart had said the doctor wanted to see him, Vigilance had assumed his time in the boss’ office would be brief. Doctor Stable was usually not one to spend a long time beating around the bush for minor things; the security guard figured he would be in, reprimanded, and out in five minutes or less with a stern warning not to scare the crazy patients again. Instead, Doctor Stable had greeted him politely, invited him to have a seat, and started reading silently through some paperwork. Vigilance was beginning to regret declining the offered chair. He shifted from hoof to hoof, waiting for the unicorn to say something—anything. Maybe, ‘Hey dirtbag, that’s not how you treat patients around here,’ or, ‘Good job showing Screw Loose who’s boss; that crazy pony gets on my nerves too with how she lives off our kindness and spends all day gnawing on a rubber bone and barking at passersby instead of doing something productive with her life.’ Stranger things had happened. The doctor turned another page and continued to scrutinize the tight, neat writing populating its surface. Finally, Vigilance could take no more. He cleared his throat and stifled a yawn. “Excuse me, Doctor Stable? Was there something you wanted to say to me? It’s just that I just finished my shift and I’d like to get home.” “Ah. Of course,” Doctor Sable responded absently. The unicorn kept reading for a moment more before finally putting down his notes. Looking up, he leaned over his desk to peer intently at the night guard. “Mister Vigilance, what is your assessment of that kerfuffle with Rainbow Dash?” “Sir? It was… unexpected.” Vigilance’s brain sparked as he tried to shift mental gears for this undreamed of icebreaker. He’d been expecting something about Nurse Coldheart and Screw Loose. Where was the doctor going with this? The ‘Dash Incident’ had been months ago. “Yes,” Doctor Stable agreed, “‘Unexpected’ is right. The hospital administrators have been expressing some… concerns to me about it.” “‘Concerns,’ sir?” Vigilance echoed dully. His fatigue-dulled mind struggled to race ahead in the conversation. He took note of his employer’s unsmiling eyes and the disapproving set of the unicorn’s mouth. Uh oh. The doctor took a moment to rustle his papers again, rearranging them into a neater stack before spearing Vigilance with a meaningful look. “The administrators are worried about the fact that one of our otherwise excellent security guards let somepony sneak into our hospital to steal, of all things, a book.” “Sir, Rainbow Dash isn’t ‘somepony,’ she’s one of the Elements of Harmony!” protested Vigilance. “And,” Doctor Stable continued relentlessly, “The situation wasn’t resolved until that guard received aid from our medical staff and a candy striper who happened still to be in the building.” “I…” started Vigilance. He closed his mouth, mind whirring as he tried to figure out how to put his fuming thoughts into words. Doctor Stable was right. The unicorn wasn’t speaking about something he’d read off a report. The doctor had actually been there. Without the help, Vigilance probably wouldn’t have managed to run down the thieving pegasus even if she had continued to flee on the ground. One sentence about all this in his next performance review and any dreams of joining the Royal Guard would remain just that—dreams. He sagged. It was an uncomfortable moment before Doctor Stable broke the awkward silence. “A lot of ponies don’t think being a security guard is particularly stressful, but being out of the sun and working when everypony else is asleep can take something out of anypony. You’ve been with us running almost exclusively on the night shift for… how long?” “Five years.” Five years of excellent service, and now one stupid incident was going to rob Vigilance of everything. But why was Doctor Stable firing him now? It would have made more sense to do it right away, not months after the fact. “And I see you’ve only taken vacation twice. I think you need a break from your duties as night guard.” Doctor Stable rustled some papers again. Vigilance braced himself as the doctor lifted one paper in particular and peered at the soon-to-be-ex-security guard over the top of it. Here it came. “Vigilance… one of the psychiatric ward patients got out during that incident with Ms. Dash, yes? You were the one who retrieved her, correct?” “Well, Doctor Stable, just tell me how long I have to clean out my locker and…” Vigilance trailed off as his mind parsed what the doctor had said. “What?” “Mystery Pony. ‘Ms. Pony.’ The mental patient who thinks she’s a dog,” the doctor explained—unnecessarily. Of course Vigilance knew who the unicorn was talking about, he just didn’t understand why. Was this when Nurse Coldheart’s no doubt unflattering complaint would come to light? “Yes sir, I was.” Nodding, Vigilance ground his teeth at the memory. Even more fuel on the funeral pyre of his career. “Take a look at this, please,” said the unicorn. Tugging one sheet out of the increasingly disorganized pile on his desk, Doctor Stable passed it over to the puzzled night guard. ‘NAME: NO KNOWN NAME. AKA MYSTERY (MS.) PONY. SEX: FEMALE. AGE: 30 YEARS (ESTIMATED).’ Vigilance skipped down a bit, browsing over the massed columns of the table that took up the majority of the page. There were days of the week, times, places, and distances. The guard looked up, his brow furrowing with confusion. “It’s a… schedule?” Eyes gleaming, Doctor Stable pounded his desk with an enthusiastic hoof. “Precisely! After Ms. Pony’s temporary escape, the orderlies noticed she was surprisingly more docile and positive than before. No more growling at new employees or visitors, no more chewing on the furniture. Once I noticed it, I realized that we’ve been keeping a mare of her, ah, special needs cooped up for far too long. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.” Vigilance didn’t. He stared blankly at the doctor, eyelids drooping. Maybe if he kept staring, things would start to make sense. Doctor Stable sighed. “Vigilance, I want you to escort Ms. Pony and ensure that she gets some exercise and sees ponies out in the fresh air. It will do her—and you—a world of good.” Vigilance felt like he was starting to get it, but what he was ‘getting’ didn’t’ make any sense. It had taken him the better part of the evening to catch the madmare and to drag her back to the hospital. She’d taken special delight in stopping to wait for him, barking and wagging her tail playfully, only to go bounding out of the way just as the exhausted guard managed to close the distance between them. Surely the doctor couldn’t mean what Vigilance thought he meant. “…You really want somepony to take Screw Loose for walks?” In the pause that followed the exhausted guard winced. He hadn’t meant to say it like that—certainly not using the anonymous mare’s nickname instead the official placeholder. Doctor Stable’s expression hardened almost imperceptibly at the slipup, but he made no comment on it. “No, Mister Vigilance. I don’t want ‘somepony’ to take Ms. Pony out for exercise. I want you to take her out for exercise.” If Vigilance hadn’t declined to sit earlier, he might have fallen out of his chair. “Why me?” “It seems, Vigilance, that you and Ms. Pony have a sort of… chemistry. She won’t do more than growl at most of the employees here, but she took a shine to you almost instantly. I think you’d be perfect for the job.” Doctor Stable smiled encouragingly. ‘Chemistry,’ sure. The sort that exploded and showered bits of test tube all over the lab workers. Vigilance shook his head in bewilderment. “But I’m a security guard, not an orderly! I—” “And if you wish to stay a security guard, you need to give me some very, very good things to say to the hospital administrators the next time they ask me about you.” The doctor sighed. “Please, Vigilance. Make this easier for both of us.” So that’s how it was. Vigilance nodded slowly. “All right. All right, I’ll do it. Just don’t blame me when somepony starts asking why the security guards are doing medical treatment.” Doctor Stable’s smile lit up the room like a second sun. “Excellent! I’m so glad we’ve come to an understanding. Of course you’ll need a few days to switch your sleep schedule back to days.” “Sure.” Stifling a yawn, Vigilance turned to go. A cough brought the exhausted pony up short. Surrounded by a shimmering cloud of unicorn magic, a pen and a stack of waivers and legal documents floated up to Vigilance’s face. Doctor Stable nodded encouragingly to them. “But of course before you do, there’s the matter of the paperwork…” * * * The door to Psychiatric Ward Room Three creaked open as Vigilance peered cautiously inside. The bluish-pelted patient napped peacefully on the bed, curled up almost until her muzzle met the base of her tail. She snored, making little ‘wurff’ noises every so often. Sleeping quietly like this, ‘Screw Loose’ seemed almost normal. Vigilance put one hoof through the door. The madmare’s ear twitched. He placed his other forehoof next to the first. The mare’s nostrils flared for a moment. Clearing his throat, the security guard announced himself. “Ms. Pony, I’m—” A sudden explosion of movement from the bed brought Vigilance up short. Screw Loose leaped up with a frightened bark and saw him, her ears flattening against her skull as she whined in terror. Obviously she still remembered him from their confrontation a few days previous. Before the guard could move another step, his patient was behind her bed and peering cautiously around the frame. She whined faintly, disheveled silver tail almost between her legs. “Look, you stup—” Vigilance paused and glanced behind him as the heavy weight of a disapproving glare settled on the back of his head. Nurse Coldheart didn’t even bother smiling when the guard nodded to her. She simply stood there in the hall. Waiting. Watching. Judging. Rearranging the word, the annoyed security guard tried a different tactic. “Here girl. Come here, Ms. Pony.” Nothing. The quiet whining had stopped, but that was all. From the shadows under the bed Vigilance could see that Screw L… er, that Ms. Pony hadn’t moved from her nervous crouch. He tried again. “Ms. Pony?” Vigilance turned back to Nurse Coldheart and shrugged helplessly. “Sorry, looks like Doctor Stable was wrong. I don’t think she’ll come out of there for me. Wait, what’s that?” For the first time, Coldheart smiled. Reaching into a pocket on her smock, she pulled out a small slip of paper. It was a cheerfully nauseating pink. Even from a few paces away Vigilance imagined he could see his name in the tight, crabbed script that covered the page. Realization dawned in the soon-to-be-ex-guard’s eyes and the nurse’s smile widened. Yeesh, if ever a pony had been well named. “Now look, Coldheart. They can’t fire me just because the patient won’t come out of her room!” Nurse Coldheart said nothing. She simply took a few steps forward, the pink slip fluttering in her teeth. Vigilance’s mouth tightened. “Oh come on! It’s not my fault that Screw Loose won’t—” “Wurf!” The sudden sound of hooves clattering on the tiled floor made Vigilance turn around just in time to see the madmare trotting his way, her ears pricked up and her tail wagging slowly. “Screw Loose?” Vigilance said hesitantly. The patient’s eyes lit up and she barked in affirmative. The wagging tail picked up speed, swishing this way and that as the blue pony came closer still. “That’s not her name!” hissed Nurse Coldheart, spitting out the pink slip and shooting daggers at the infuriating stallion. “Oh? Screw Loose seems to think it is.” Vigilance grinned. Dealing with a madmare might almost be worth it if it gave him more opportunities to needle Coldheart. As though on cue, the mare barked happily at the sound of her nickname. Nearly shaking with rage, Nurse Coldheart consulted the clipboard on the wall outside Psychiatric Ward Room Three. She stared skeptically at the guard as though he was something unpleasant she’d found sticking to the bottom of her hoof. “Today you’re supposed to take Ms. Pony around the hospital grounds and get her acclimated to being outside with you. Can you manage that?” “Sure.” Vigilance was already ahead on points with Screw Loose’s nickname, but there was no telling which way things might go if he tried a further sparring match with the razor-tongued nurse. “I’ll be here if you have any problems,” Nurse Coldheart said, still frowning. The silent ‘and the pink slip will be here too when you make a mess of things’ was left dangling in the air, conspicuous and real despite its apparent absence. “Uh-huh,” grunted Vigilance. He watched the nurse leave, feeling unaccountably pleased despite the annoyances sure to follow when he tried talking the crazy patient outside. He was still a bit sore from the last time he’d had to chase her down. “Well, Screw Loose, how’d you like to—hey! Whoah!” Vigilance nearly jumped out of his skin as Screw Loose nosed his tail, snuffling at him in interest. “Watch it!” “Rrruh?” the madmare inquired, head cocked to one side. She looked almost hurt when Vigilance shot her a searing glare. All Vigilance had to do was tolerate her for the first week. Surely after that Doctor Stable would let him get back to his real job. “Come on, Screwy. Let’s go.” With a happy bark, Screw Loose pranced after Vigilance, tail wagging happily from side to side. The flailing appendage knocked charts off the wall and toppled unused IV bag stands as the two ponies headed down the hall and towards the large double doors that opened onto the gardenlike lawn outside. When the pair reached the doors, Vigilance turned to his excited companion and sobered her with a look. She sat down on her haunches and looked serious, although her tail continued to wag. “Now, listen. We’re going to walk around the hospital a few times. Don’t buck this up for yourself, Screw Loose. Don’t run off. Don’t—do you even understand what I’m saying? You don’t, do you.” “Woof woof!” proclaimed Screw Loose, springing back up and trying to lick the guard full in the face. Vigilance spluttered and pushed the madmare away in disgust. “Augh! Quit that! Quit—STOP!” “Ruff,” said the apologetic patient. “Sweet Celestia, give me strength.” Vigilance wiped some pony drool off his face and scowled at the happy mare. Carefully staying out of tongue range—how the hay did that crazy pony have a tongue that long?—Vigilance moved around Screw Loose and opened the door. “Okay, Screw Loose. Remember. A couple of laps. Let’s go.” Screw Loose took a few hesitant steps forward, glancing between the waiting Vigilance and the open doorway. She took a few steps more, her tail wagging harder than ever. Then her eyes narrowed. In a nicely pruned tree not twenty yards distant was a squirrel! A few seconds later Vigilance was picking himself up of the floor and cursing under his breath. He shook his head to clear it and stared out the door at the rapidly departing Screw Loose as the galloping, joyously barking mare tore across the well-kept lawn after the brown blur of the fleeing squirrel. “Oh, buck me with a broom.”