//------------------------------//
// Step 1: Admitting Y'all Got Issues 
// Story: Excuses... Excuses... 
// by pertelote345 
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I'd had a long, productive couple of days since my little visit with Twilight. Applebloom had helped me cut down on a weed infestation in the South orchard and Big Macintosh and I had managed to get quite a bit of plowing done in our small, but moderately lucrative, corn fields.

I was more than a bit antsy after what Twilight had found out. I was even more worried about her plans, but... I guess there was some part of me that really wanted all of this. So after I finished up my chores I made my way to town hall where Twi wanted me to meet for some reason. She'd been pretty vague.

I was just kind of sitting there with my hat pulled down. Luna's night was right pretty and all, but I felt pretty out of place. I usually got to bed early so I could see the sunrise. 

Finally I caught sight of Twilight. She waved as she cantered over and hopped up next to me, panting. "Sorry I'm late! It's okay, we've still got 5 minutes until the meeting starts."

I blinked. "Uh... Twi? What meeting? You still haven't told me what we're here for."

She reached into her saddlebags and yanked out a flyer. It said something about... support groups?

I tilted my head. I... Honestly wasn't sure where she was going with this. "Twi, I thought we were going to do something, You know, fun."

She put the flyer down and gave me a sheepish look. "I know AJ, but after what you said before I really feel like we should try and get some of the stuff you mentioned out of the way. You may be leaning on your past traumatic experiences too much, but I'm hoping working through them will make them less of a burden so we can move on to the good stuff."

She gave me her usual big smile of 'Isn't my plan great?' and I scratched at the back of my head. I mean, she wasn't wrong, but was I really going to...

I gulped. I'd answered my own darn question. She wasn't wrong. I was making excuses based on having too much un-dealt with junk, again. If I dealt with the baggage, no more problem. Simple as that.

I met Twi's eyes. "Alright then, where to?"


#


"I... It's been so long, but... I still blame myself, I guess. I know that's dumb." He shook his head. "I just... He was sick for so long that I was tired of waiting. I guess that's what I am now really. Tired." Pokey Pierce sighed.

Everyone clapped. I didn't know what to make of it.

We were all sitting in a little room which looked like it was used for art lessons, given how many attempted paintings were lying around. We sat in a little circle of couches around a table with a pot of tea and a bunch of those little styrofoam cups on it. Y'all might think it was a cozy little tea party if not for the subject matter.

I'd actually taken tea (or more likely cider) with most of these ponies...  Kind of. I know it sounds cliche, but while I knew everypony here, they seemed different. I guess they all had a bit of their usual mask ripped off. Or maybe the tension was distortin' my views. 

Honestly I'd always thought the whole 'your pain is your true self' thing was kind of dumb. I mean, how much you're hurting is part of who you are, but it ain't all of you. Maybe it was less that they were taking off a mask and more peeling back a bandage so we could look at their wounds.

Sweet Celestia, this place was turning me into a pile of negativity faster than Applebloom's Lincolt Park records...

"Princess Twilight, you're up next."

Twi cleared her throat. "Thank you, I admit I'm mostly here to show my support, but..." She let out a breath. "I suppose I should share something too."

That was a surprise. The coordinator, a vermillion-maned mare with a pen and paper cutie mark, cleared her throat. "Pardon the interruption Twilight, I just want to take this opportunity to remind the room that nothing anyone says here leaves."

Twilight smiled. "Thank you, but I doubt this will end up in the tabloids. It's just... I had an uncle once... An uncle named Knight Watch."

She looked away. "I know that's probably nothing compared to what all of you have been through, but there it is. He was a guardspony who lived really close to us when my brother Shining and I were growing up. He didn't really have a family of his own, I'm not sure if it was because he was always busy patrolling the palace or what but... He hung out with us enough that we became kind of nuclear I guess. I mean nuclear as in nuclear family, not the centers of atoms... Sorry I'm getting off track."

"Don't worry." Pokey said. "Stuff like this takes time to get out." He had a half smile on his face. Apparently sharing had helped him a little.

Twi nodded. "Anyway, I was sort of stuck in my own head growing up and I guess he was one of the few ponies who tried to get me to come out of my shell. He actually introduced us to Ogres and Obliquettes  back in the day."

She bit her lip. She wasn't breaking down or anything like that, but it was clear this wasn't exactly easy for her. "There was part of me that always felt like interacting with him was a chore. Like, he just wanted to bring me out bowling or pottery painting or something. Meanwhile I was convinced my time would be better spent getting research done."

"Shining loved him though, he was his best friend and confidant. Knight Watch had a lot to do with my brother joining the guard... I even saw Shining wearing his crest at his wedding..." She looked down. "Wow, I... Hadn't even thought about that until now. So much happened that day." She shook her head. "He... didn't get to see us grow up, he... He died."

There was an odd coldness about Twi. Honestly it was a little unnerving. I almost wanted her to break down crying, just so I could get a read on her... But she just kept her cool and went on. "I wish I could say he died saving some small filly or something, but... It was cancer. It was slow, and dumb and we all got to watch him wither for a year before it happened. Heck, I wish I could say he was super happy all the way through that, but he wasn't. Even worse than watching his fur fall out was watching all that happy go lucky optimism get sucked out of him. He did make sure to spend a lot of time with Shining before he was gone though. He would have spent time with me too, but I..."

She let out a breath, still seeming cold, tired. "I wish I could say I was avoiding him because it was too painful, but I was distracted. I almost felt... Annoyed with him for breaking down and making my work more difficult. I wouldn't even have been able to say goodbye if it wasn't for Princess Celestia forcing me to the hospital."

She grimaced. "I... I never thanked her for that. I guess I really should. That... That's kind of all there is."

The crowd clapped again. It felt less weird this time. I got the sense that it was kind of like a little ritual to cut down on the cloud of depression rather than some sort of applause for a performance.

Pokey cleared his throat. "You... You do know you can't blame yourself for not being super close with someone right?"

Twilight nodded. "I know. And I've talked about it a little before, but... I'll admit after all that I've learned about caring for other ponies I can't help but feel that I wasted so much of our time. He deserved better."

The coordinator nodded. "Thank you for sharing with us Twilight." She turned to me. "Miss Applejack? Is there anything you'd like to share?"

I nodded. If Twi could do it so could I. I opened my mouth and... Nothing.

Twi turned to me, concerned. "Applejack, are you alright?"

I croaked. I... I really wanted to share, I had so much to talk about, about my mom's favorite ribbons and my dad's apple strudel recipe, and the way they'd smile at me when I got home from school... But... I couldn't do it. Not right then. "P-pass," I managed finally.

The coordinator nodded.


#


"I'm so sorry Twi..." AJ mumbled from across the bench.

I squeezed her hoof. "Don't even worry about it." I couldn't believe how insensitive I'd been. Why had I thought that AJ would be able to tell a group of strangers her darkest secrets at the drop of a hat?

We were on the town hall's patio. I had signed us up for the gender identity meeting too, but... I didn't want to overload her. I'm sure whoever ran it would understand.

"I can't believe how much of a coward I was..." AJ continued. "Like, I've fought giant monsters, invasions, faced heaps of nightmares again and again... but telling Pokey about my Mom was too much."

I winced. This was really not going how I'd hoped. "Applejack..."

She held up a hoof. "Twi, it's alright. You're a darn good pony... Better than me, that's for sure."

Wait, what? "I'm not better than you!" I snapped. I blushed. That should have been a lot quieter.

AJ didn't even blink. She turned to me. "Twilight, you spent all your time in the meeting beating yourself up over the fact that you didn't care enough about your family, and here I am wishing I cared less..."

Okay, that made absolutely no sense. "That's not what we came here for! And why in Equestria would you want to care less about your family?"

"I don't... I mean I do, but..." She sighed. "I loved my mom and dad, they weren't perfect ponies, but try explaining that to eight year old me and you'd end up with a fat lip. My dad was the nicest pony I ever knew and my mom was the smartest. When they were gone I broke Twi. I left town just so I didn't have to see anything that reminded me of them. I left town when I was ten years old..."

She looked down to her flank. "And when I realized how plum foolish that was and came back, I got this here cutie mark. Three apples. Mom, Dad and Me. For a while I thought that meant I had all of their strength, that I could do the work of three ponies, but..." She shuddered. "I don't want it to mean that. I loved them so much, but... I don't want them to be just them and nothing else." She shook her head. "And yeah, I know that's selfish... I guess I feel like if I could forget about them, even just a little I could be..." She gulped. "I could be AJ... Whoever the hay that is."

She looked down. "And yeah, I know how awful and selfish that is. Like I said Twi, you're a way better pony than me."

I stared at her. I... I had no clue how to respond to all of that. It made sense, but it was too much information. How was I supposed to figure out how to help when the problem was so complicated? Part of me wanted to take notes, or get the coordinator who would be soo much better at this, but... She was in so much pain!

Heuristics Twilight, heuristics... Applejack was in pain and she needed comfort. There was the simplified problem. I put a hoof on her shoulder. It felt wildly inadequate, but at least it was something. "You're not a bad pony." I said lamely. At least I knew it was true.

We just sat there like that for a long, long time... The rushing of the warm wind was the only sound.

"Twi..." She said finally.

I blinked. "Yes Applejack?"

"I'm sorry about your uncle."

That wound cracked open for the second time tonight. "Me too."