//------------------------------//
// Rarity Investigates! 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	I kicked back in my office chair with a bottle of tequila.  Being the government was hard work.
Well, by “the government” I mean watching everything and everyone.  I didn’t actually take care of citizens’ needs or collect taxes.  And good riddance.
On the screen, I saw Rainbow Dash barge into Rarity’s new shop in Canterlot.  Apparently she was bored and waiting on Princess Celestia’s Royal Garden Opening.  Rumor had it the gardens were especially lush this season.
I glanced at the overhead imagery of the garden and compared it to historical norms.  Yep.  Lush.
“Ordinarily this would be the kind of event the Wonderbolts would perform at,” said Rainbow.
“If we still had them,” agreed Sassy Saddles.
There was an uncomfortable silence.  I clicked my tongue and winked, toasting the screen.
“Uh, anyway,” said Rainbow, “at least I get to stay in the castle and eat awesome food at the dinner tonight.  Speaking of the dinner, you're still coming, right?”
“Heavens, yes!” said Rarity.  “A chance to dress up, be charming and show off my newest femme mystique couture? I wouldn't miss it for all of Equestria.”
“Hey Sunset,” I called.  “What’s femme mystique couture?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Is Tin Mare about ready to go to the air show?”
“Just about.  Are the Princesses still dumb?”
“I haven’t seen anything that indicates they know we’re doing this.  It’s going to be awesome.”
“Hella.”
“Couldn’t have said it better myself, TM.”
I turned back to the screen.  Over the next few hours as I continued to watch, Rarity and Rainbow went to the party.  Rarity did her little dress up thing.  Between the dress she used to get out of the carriage and the one she used to make an entrance in the dining room, I wondered how many more she was going to go through before the end of the night.
She even had a dress for chatting up random older stallions.  Surprisingly, however, the first thing she noticed about the guy was his cologne.
Rainbow being Rainbow, she interrupted.  “Rarity!  Don't you know who this is?  It's Wind Rider!  He's a living legend.  He holds the Wonderbolt record in the Mustang Marathon!”
“Shame about the Wonderbolts,” said Rarity mildly, perhaps attempting to balance out Rainbow’s enthusiasm.
“Well, I’m retired,” said Wind Rider.  “All the same, I’ve been thinking about starting up a new team.”
Rainbow let out an extended gasp.  “Like a new Wonderbolts?”
“Sure.”  Wind Rider smiled.  “I’ve heard of you.  How would you like to join?”
Rainbow threw her teacup at Rarity’s face as she jumped for joy.  “Ohmygosh, I can’t believe this!”
“Hey Tin Mare,” I called.  “Just in case, make sure you bring a couple of party favors to the event tomorrow.”
“Understood.”
Back at the dinner, Rarity was changing into her “Rainbow’s just spilled her tea” dress.  Rainbow was still geeking out over being invited to help start up a new Wonderbolts.
“Did I hear something about Wonderbolts?” asked Soarin’, coming up to the conversation.
“Soarin’?” said Rainbow.  “What are you doing here?”
“I work here,” he said, gesturing to the castle walls.  “When I needed a job after the Wonderbolts were decommissioned, Princess Celestia offered me the position of Guard Captain after Shining Armor vacated it.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes.  “Please.  If you couldn’t keep the Wonderbolts together, how are you supposed to play solider?  Even I would be better at it.  At least I don’t let Valiant push me around.”
“While fighting prowess is a consideration, the job is more about leadership,” Soarin’ replied mildly.  “We only had that one Changeling invasion.”
“Well, why didn’t Spitfire get the job?” Rainbow asked.
“With free time after the Wonderbolts came to an end, she spent more time with her mother. Doctors recently discovered her mom had a tumor in her face.  Spitfire’s been taking care of her.”
“Yeah, this sounds lame,” said Rainbow.  “I want to be part of the new Wonderbolts.” 
“Well, I think that can be arranged.”  Wind Rider smiled.  “I’ll see you later.”  He walked away.
“That was so incredible!  Thanks so much for helping me meet Wind Rider, Rarity!”  Rainbow pulled her friend in for a tight hug, spilling Rarity’s beverage.  Rarity had expected that, and promptly changed into a new gown.
I got bored watching the two of them hanging around the dinner.  I think I was asleep before they were.
In the morning, I roused myself.  I was covered in a little tequila that had dribbled out of the bottle while I was sleeping.  I squinted at the glow of the monitors in front of me, a headache already demanding attention.  Have I mentioned being the government is hard?
I saw that it was just about time for the show, both Celestia’s and mine.  I hit the intercom.  “Tin Mare, where are you?”
“On station over Canterlot.”
“Good.  You know what to do.”
I wished I had a front row seat, but the cameras I’d installed all over the castle would have to do.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, it is my pleasure to welcome you to-” Celestia began, but was interrupted by a sonic boom that smacked the royal garden.  Tin Mare streaked into view from behind the castle, up on her wingtip in a knife edge pass.  Vapor streamed from her upper wing surfaces and her afterburner spit fire.
I played the national anthem over the speakers.  Not Equestria’s national anthem.
“Everypony escort the Princess to a safe location!” shouted Soarin’.  “Unicorns and pegasi set up air defense!  I want a report and a threat assessment on whatever that was!”
That was a little more take-charge than I had expected him to be.  Heck, he might be even better at his job than Shining Armor.
Celestia, however, talked him down.  “I know about that machine.  It is not currently a threat.”
“Not currently?” Soarin’ asked suspiciously.
“The infamous Valiant is merely showboating,” said Celestia, looking to the sky.  “Were he intending harm, I doubt we would have seen it coming ahead of time.”
Clever girl.  For a moment there, we stared into each others’ eyes through the TV.
“Captain!” shouted a guard.  “There’s been a break-in to the treasure room!”
“How?” demanded Soarin’.  “Isn’t it guarded?  How could a large flying machine get in there?”
“Well, it is guarded, but it must have been somepony else.  It happened late last night and the morning crew just now discovered it.”
“Bucking night guards,” Soarin’ muttered under his breath.  More loudly, he said, “What was taken?”
“Wonderbolts paraphernalia and trophies that were stored when the team was decommissioned.”
A pained look came across Soarin’s face, but he got rid of it.  “Call CSI and get them in there.”
“Um, sir, that might not be necessary.  We think Rainbow Dash did it.  We found some of her hair at the scene.”
Everyone at the garden party looked at Rainbow.  “Huh?  What, you think I stole all the awesome old Wonderbolts memorabilia?  Do you really think I would commit a crime?”
All the guests looked at each other.  “Rainbow Dash, commit a crime?” said one stallion.  “Yeah, sounds plausible.”
A group of Guards stepped forward to arrest Rainbow.
“Wait a moment!” said Rarity.  “You can’t do this!”
“Ma’am, I know she’s your friend, but she’s being detained on suspicion of theft.”
“Yes, yes, I know, but Rainbow was scheduled to be excited at some point in the next few minutes, knocking over a potted plant onto my dress and requiring a change,” said Rarity.  “I simply cannot spare her if my wardrobe is to be fully utilized.”
“And I’m innocent,” added Rainbow.
“If you say so, darling.”
I pumped a hoof in the air.  “Yes!  Best day ever!”
Sunset came in to check on me.  “What’s going on?”
I quickly explained.  “Rainbow Dash is going to jail.”
“Did she actually do it?”
“Who cares?”
Sunset nodded and smiled and we did a little dance around the room.
“I’ve got to go spread the news,” I said.  Sunset hugged me and sat down at my chair as I left the building.
The sun was bright and the sky was clear.  Even with a weatherpony behind bars, I think we could manage to put together some nice days.  I waltzed over to the library.
Shining and Cadance were still there.   They had been unimpressed with my solution to the whole army of ponies with equals sign cutie marks thing.
“Rainbow Dash is going to jail,” I said, interrupting something.
That was enough of a bombshell to pull even Twilight out of deep focus mode.  “What did she do?!”
“They arrested her for stealing a whole bunch of Wonderbolts stuff from the castle treasure room right after a former Wonderbolt invited her to join a new team he’s starting.”
“Well, did she actually do it?”
I gave Twilight a look.  “What’s that supposed to mean?  Don’t you trust the Royal Guard?”  I gestured at Shining.
“No, I mean, did you see her do it?”
“No.  But I’m happy this happened.”
“Valiant, for somepony who claims to be God, you’re not very omnipotent.  Did Rainbow steal things or not?”
“I’d have to go back and look at the tapes.”  I sat down on the couch.  “But why would I do that for Rainbow?  I would bet she’s actually guilty of stealing Wonderbolts stuff.”
Twilight frowned.  “Be that as it may, if she’s innocent, we can’t let her be falsely accused.  Where’s your sense of justice?”
“At the moment I’ve got everything I need: tequila, more money than I can spend, and this comfortable couch.”
“You know, Valiant, you aren’t displaying many godlike qualities.  You don’t actually know everything instantaneously.  You don’t enforce laws.  You don’t want your followers to give you money.”
Damn.  She had a point.
I sighed.  “Fine.  I’ll go see if Rainbow is really guilty so if she gets off the hook she’ll owe me a favor.”
“If that’s all it takes,” Twilight muttered.  She turned back to Shining and Cadance.  “Okay, back to before.  Let me see if I’m using the correct amount of force with this spell you’re teaching me.”
A rod of magic came straight off her horn, stopping a few feet out from her forehead.  She swirled it around a little and it made a humming noise.  I presume she’d turned her magic frequency up a little, as it wasn’t the usual sparkling magic noise.
I begrudgingly went back and watched the tapes.  A masked pony with the shape of a mare had delivered a cake to the Guards on duty at the treasure room the night before.  When they left their post to eat it, the unknown pony had snuck in and hauled out a huge pile of Wonderbolts stuff.
Using a cake as a distraction was a little more sophisticated than I would have expected from Rainbow.  But then, maybe she had help.  I wondered if Wind Rider had put her up to it.
Fortunately, I knew someone in Canterlot who could do a little figurative digging since she wouldn’t do any other kind.  Also, I wanted to feel like God again and use the big voice.
“Rarity.”
She looked up.  “Yes?”
“You should find out if Rainbow Dash is actually guilty.  For reasons.”
“Well, I have been looking for the perfect opportunity to wear my new femme mystique couture line.”
“What the hell’s that?”
“It’s clothing inspired by the noir detective series about Shadow Spade.”
“Anyway, I’ve learned that a disguised mare stole the Wonderbolts stuff by distracting the guards with cake.  You do the rest.”
“That’s it?”
“You’re the fem mystery culture.”
I saw her wince at the mispronunciation, but she nodded.
And as it turned out, Rarity was incredibly effective.  She surveyed the scene.  The rainbow hair found there had been snipped, so it seemed unlikely Rainbow had left it herself.  Rarity then spoke to the guards on duty, nearly seducing them before finding out that they’d been distracted by a particular kind of cake described as chocolate cherry with custard filling and buttercream frosting.  Rarity’s next stop was at a cake shop.  The baker said the customer that bought the cake was a mare with a deep, raspy voice.
What if Rainbow had framed herself in order to cast suspicion off herself?  It sounded like the kind of hairbrained scheme Rainbow would come up with.  At the same time, it also sounded too complicated for Rainbow to have come up with.
Rarity, however, was having a ball with her costume changes.  She eventually worked her way back to the castle where Rainbow was being held by the Guards.
“Take a break, darling,” Rarity said to the one on duty.  “I need a moment with my client.”
Rarity laid out the evidence she’d collected for Rainbow.  “I must admit, it doesn’t look good.  We can’t prove you didn’t do it.”
“I know I didn’t,” said Rainbow.  “At least, I don’t remember doing it.  Maybe I did it when I was asleep.  Do you know what I do in my sleep?  Because I sure don’t!”
I did.
Rarity went on.  “We need to investigate other culprits, then.  Who else could have done it or wanted to?”
“Um.”  Rainbow frowned.  “Maybe some pony who wants to participate in the theft of Wonderbolts stuff?”
“If Wind Rider is setting up a new Wonderbolts, perhaps he knows a group of ponies who are really enthusiastic about it,” Rarity speculated.
“Yes, we should absolutely meet Wind Rider again,” Rainbow agreed.
“Unfortunately, you’re in the clink,” Rarity observed.  
Rainbow let out an extended groan.  “Well, at least tell him I would have come if I could.  Wait, don’t mention the criminal charges thing, though.”
Fortunately, Wind Rider wasn’t too difficult to find.  Rarity went to meet him.
He’d set up a training facility in Canterlot.  It was part gym, part visitors center, and slightly tacking for Rarity’s taste.  But only slightly.
Wind Rider wore a track suit and was overseeing a workout program when Rarity arrived.  A group of ponies were running on treadmills.  Rarity went over to get Wind’s attention.
He looked up from a clipboard.  “Oh, hello.  Rarity, I believe.  What can I do for you?”
“I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about fans of the Wonderbolts.  There was a break in recently at the castle treasure room.  I’m told that a significant amount of Wonderbolts merchandise was taken.”
“Well, that sounds terrible,” said Wind.  “Who could have done that?”
“Perhaps you know of a few fans who take their following a little too seriously?”
Wind chuckled.  “Ponies who would do anything to be part of the team?  Yeah, I know a few.  Your friend Rainbow Dash comes to mind.  That’s why I recruited her.  You just can’t get spirit like that anywhere else.”
“Rainbow Dash is why I’m here,” said Rarity.  “She’s been accused of the theft.  If she’s on your team, you should know.”
“Really?  That is unfortunate.”
“What is it?” asked a teal mare, turning her head from the treadmill.
“Lightning Dust, I just heard that Rainbow Dash has been arrested for stealing Wonderbolts stuff from the castle,” said Wind.
“That’s terrible,” said Lightning Dust.
“Wait a moment,” said Rarity.  “Lightning Dust, I believe we’ve met before.”
“Huh?  Oh yeah, at the academy.”  Lightning shrugged.  “Well, I guess things worked out okay.  I got into the Wonderbolts one way or another.”
“I suppose so.”  Rarity turned back to Wind.  “Well, if you can think of anypony who might have wanted to frame Rainbow, please let me know.”
“Will do,” Wind said.  He waved goodbye as Rarity walked out the door.
Rarity walked outside the building and started back to the castle.  She stopped suddenly.  “Wait a moment…I never told him Rainbow had been arrested.”
“You never know.  Maybe he heard about it somewhere else but wanted to flatter you by making you think you’d delivered a piece of news he hadn’t heard before.”
“I still think it’s suspicious.  But…I can’t think of a way to prove it.”
Maybe I could follow around all the ponies on Wind Rider’s team to see if they did anything suspicious.  Then again, that sounded like a lot of work.  And it wasn’t like coincidences were rare in Equestria.
That’s pretty much what the judge said.  “Coincidences aren’t rare in Equestria, but if there is no conclusive evidence that somepony else committed this crime, then the bulk of the suspicion falls on you, Rainbow Dash.”
“Wait, isn’t a jury supposed to make that decision?” asked Rainbow, looking around at the empty courtroom.
“You waived your right to a jury,” the judge reminded her.  
“Oh, that’s what waiving a jury means,” muttered Rainbow.
The judge went on.  “In addition, I believe your friend said something about the risk of having jurors who were angry at you for your many escapades in property damage.”
“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever damaged any of your property,” said Rainbow.  “Nah, you don’t look familiar.”
The judge leaned forward.  “I had friends in that weather factory, Rainbow Dash.”  He banged his gavel.  “Guilty.”
I went out to have a celebratory drink.  At The Half Pint, Guinness brought me a beer and asked what the occasion was.
“Rainbow’s doing jail time.”
Guinness dropped the mug before it reached the bar in front of me.  “WHAT?!”
“Stop surprising him like that!” Squibles shouted at me.  “We’re almost out of glasses!”
“Yeah,” I said to Guinness.  “She’s been charged with stealing some stuff in Canterlot.  But that’s old news.  Get me another beer.”
His mouth worked slowly before he suddenly announced, “I’ve got to go.”  He rushed out of the pub, only to rush back in moments later to pick up Skyla and then rush back out again.
Squibles replaced my beer, but kept a careful eye on me.
“You got any cake?” I asked.
“What kind?”
“Maybe…I don’t know, chocolate cherry with custard filling and buttercream frosting?”
“As a matter of fact, we do.  It’s fresh today.”
He cut me a slice and refilled my beer.
Today was a good day.