Fluttershy trotted downstairs with her head held high and dirty plates clattering on her back. She'd just finished walking out on Twilight after asking if it'd matter if she were a changeling. While she'd gotten Twilight to say 'no,' the poor unicorn now believed that Fluttershy was one. That wasn't what she wanted, but the possibility had helped her argument. In the end, she opted to walk out before resolving that dispute.
The old tower that they were spending the night in used to be Twilight's home back when she was attending Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. It was, naturally, a library. Given that the changeling invasion had thrown off the wedding schedule and the reception party had spilled over into the night, Twilight and her friends had opted to bunk here rather than braving the wedding-guest overcrowded transportation system. Sometimes, normal things can be scarier than bug armies.
Twilight herself was staying in the tower's peak with the books while everypony else carved out a space for herself in the lower rooms. It was late enough that Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were already sound asleep, dreaming of sunshine, but the others were restless. When Fluttershy came downstairs, most of the them were waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs.
“Here dear, let me take care of those for you.” Rarity levitated the dishes and sent them floating into the kitchen where Applejack was cooking pies.
“Thank you, Rarity.” A cinnamon aroma wafted in the hallway, tickling noses and teasing taste buds with the promise of a delectable treat. “Mmm, those smell good.”
“So how'd it go?” Pinkie asked.
“Um, well, I guess?” Fluttershy scratched at her mane. “I got her thinking, but... I kinda-sort-of implied that I was a changeling and now she's freaking out.”
Rainbow Dash burst out laughing. “You? A changeling? That's a good one, Fluttershy.”
“Um, I wasn't joking.” Fluttershy gulped when her friends gave her odd looks. “Of-of course I'm not a changeling. What I meant is that Twilight kept trying to rationalize my question instead of answering it, and, um, well...”
Snickering, Rainbow Dash slapped Fluttershy on the back. “No worries, Shy. We totally believe you.”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yep. And with a question like that, you pinned the tail right on the donkey! That's totally guaranteed to keep Twilight thinking all night.”
“Darlings, I hate to be a bother, but if she freaks out anyway, albeit for a different reason, doesn't that defeat the purpose of our plan?” Rarity asked.
“Oh no! I didn't think about that.” Fluttershy covered her mouth and squeaked. Everypony else averted their eyes and glanced around. Rarity took advantage of the momentary distraction to straighten a crooked photo hanging on the wall of filly Twilight chasing Lemon "Beaker" Hearts with her old Canterlot friends.
After tapping on her chin, Rainbow Dash flew over to the stairwell. “Naw, it's still good. I'll just fly up there and talk some sense into her.”
“Wait!” Fluttershy grabbed Rainbow's Tail. “Um, I mean, I told her that Applejack would stop by soon with some food.”
“Applejack, are the pies ready!?” Rainbow Dash yelled into the kitchen.
Plates and dishes clattered around. “Now wait a minute, sugarcube. I'm just now taking them out of the ovens. They still have to cool down yet. Give 'em another hour at least.”
“See? I got plenty of time.”
“Okay.” Fluttershy let go and Rainbow Dash flew up the stairs.
“It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.” Twilight chanted the words to herself again and again, pacing around in the old tower. While Fluttershy had tried to help clean the room, the impact she'd made upon the dusty tomes cluttering the tables and floor stood out like a single swipe of an eraser of a dirty chalkboard. Technically, it was a mark of cleanliness, but it contrasted with its surroundings so much that it only added to the visual chaos. Twilight was in no mood for organization, not when she had a friendship problem tearing at her heart.
She was attempting to reconcile her feelings with her logic. However, a pony's heart is separate from her mind, and trying to force them together is a quick recipe for a bloody mess. One of her ears twitched, and her mane looked like it had been brushed with a non-euclidean comb.
Flying in silently, Rainbow Dash frowned upon the sight of her frazzled, purple friend. “Yikes. Fluttershy wasn't kidding when she said that you were freaking out.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight jerked as if she'd been caught doing something naughty. She haltingly opened her mouth, as if struggling for words.
Not bothering to wait, Rainbow Dash flew up and pointed a hoof at Twilight's nose. “Okay, let's clear this up right now. Fluttershy is not a changeling.”
“It wouldn't matter if she was.” Twilight turned her nose up and put her hoof down, making an absolute statement.
Jerking back slightly, Rainbow Dash snorted and glared at Twilight, who seemed to be doing her best impression of the self-important Canterlot snobs. It was a look that suited nopony well. Landing on the ground, Rainbow raised her voice. “Are you nuts!? Of course it would matter!”
“No, it would not. She's our friend, Rainbow Dash, and being a changeling wouldn't change that.” Twilight pointed a hoof at a dusted, red love-seat tucked between two tall bookshelves. “And keep it down, would you? Spike's asleep.”
“Oh, sorry.” Rainbow Dash scratched at her mane, then shrugged. “Uh... If Fluttershy were, somehow, hypothetically, a changeling, then no, I wouldn't abandon her. But it would still matter.”
“Oh? And just how would it matter?”
“It'd matter because she'd be a changeling, duh.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, which it was. “C'mon, Twilight. The important thing here isn't whether or not it'd matter if Fluttershy was a changeling, but that she isn't one.”
Twilight groaned. “Of course it's an important question! It could have major implications for all future changeling encounters!”
With a few strokes of her wings, Rainbow Dash flew to a dusty window. She buffeted it with air, preferring to keep her distance while her wind scoured the surface and did the cleaning. Once it was sparkly clean, she pointed a hoof at the streets of Canterlot, which were illuminated by moonlight and magical streetlamps. Despite their victory, security was still tight. Guards were out patrolling the streets. “You know what else has major implications for all future changeling encounters? Being attacked by an entire army of them while their queen attempts a coup on our capital city! Think for a second. You can't just throw away common sense because of a hypothetical situation that isn't even true!”
Twilight's ears flattened against her skull and her eyes narrowed. “Rainbow, I already talked about the invasion with Fluttershy. Yes, that swarm that attacked us was obviously evil, but there could be other changelings out there, ones just trying to fit in and not harm anypony. And then it would matter that it doesn't matter. You see what i mean?”
Rainbow Dash slapped a hoof over her face. “You know what? I don't care if it matters if it matters. What matters to me is that you get this ridiculous notion that Fluttershy could be a changeling out of your head. How did you even come up with that, anyway?”
“Well...” Twilight shifted her eyes to the stairwell, as if checking the shadows, then talked in a hushed voice. “She surrounds herself with animals that love her. She has that 'stare' which can control minds. She has a mean streak; she can be downright cruel. Who else but a changeling has enough control over her own body to stop a cockatrice from turning her to stone? When we got hit with poison joke, she was the only one whose appearance didn't change. On top of that, when the changelings attacked today, she never even tried to fight back.”
“Wow, that's... a lot of reasons.” Rainbow Dash sighed and pulled the curtain shut. “And... I'm not good with arguments, but let me remind you of this: when Photo Finish came to town, she turned Fluttershy into a celebrity. Everypony loved her. They loved her looks, her voice, and even the way she moved. They simply couldn't get enough of her. And do you remember how she acted?”
Twilight's ears perked up and her eyes widened. “She hated it.”
“Exactly!” Rainbow Dash smacked her hooves together. “Does that sound like a vicious changeling to you? No! No it does not.”
“But... what about all those points I made? You didn't even try to refute them.” Tapping on her chin, she rolled her eyes up in thought. “All you did was change the context. Fluttershy can still be a changeling in disguise, just one who hates attention.”
After a brief internal struggle, Rainbow said, “Twilight, you can just blast her with magic. I saw you forcibly tear off a changeling's disguise when we fought them.”
“How could I forget about that!” Twilight gasped. “Rainbow, she really is a changeling! One of the first things she did was to rattle off her friendship credentials. She had no reason to do that unless she wanted to cover her bases in case I decided to magically out her! I'm going to march downstairs and settle this once and for all!”
“No!” Rainbow Dash chomped of Twilight's tail, bringing her to an abrupt halt. The glare she got could have pierced through not just a safe, but an entire chain of banks. “Uh, look, this was stupid suggestion. You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb here and agree with you. Fluttershy's still Fluttershy, changeling or not, and she's still our friend, and friends don't blast friends with giant magic beams.”
“So now you're saying that it doesn't matter if she's a changeling?” Twilight raised an eyebrow over her tight-lipped frown.
“No, it does not.” Staring past Twilight, Rainbow seemed to be counting the spiderwebs covering the walls. “But it also does.”
“Now you're just being contradictory.” Twilight examined Rainbow Dash, as if she were looking at a stranger. “Why are you even trying to stop me from uncovering the truth? Do you have something to hide too?”
Hovering in the air, Rainbow Dash stirred up fine dust in the aging tower. Whatever organization Twilight had been doing was clearly a work in progress, as books still lay strewn about. Rainbow's wide eyes had tiny pupils and there was an almost comical frown on her face. “Wow. Being the smart one usually works in your favor, but you're thinking about this way too hard. Uh, let me ask you a different question. Would it matter if I was a stallion?”
“You can't just change the subject like that!” Twilight yelled.
“Twilight, at least spend the night thinking before you do something rash—I can't believe I just said that—and I can change the subject if I want to. That's what I really came up here to ask you anyway. I just got sidetracked by the whole changeling thing and...” Rainbow Dash winced. She scrunched up her face and held a hoof to her forehead. “Look, I really want to know, okay? Would it matter to you if I was a guy?”
Twilight blinked. “I suppose I can wait until morning, as much as it bothers me. But what kind of question is that? Of course you're not a stallion.”
“Well, duh. But I do want an answer.” Rainbow Dash landed just so that she could tap her hoof on the ground. The silence grew awkward. “I'm waiting...”
In a sudden flash of insight, Twilight's eyes popped open and her ears drooped. “Oh no! You could really be male, if you were a changeling—”
“Forget about the changelings already!” Rainbow Dash threw her hooves in the air. “Twilight, please take this seriously. I want you to answer this as if the changelings never existed.”
“Ugh, fine. No.” Twilight tore at her hair. “Have it your way. It wouldn't matter. Are you happy now?”
Suddenly swapping expressions, Rainbow's anger was gone and she toothily grinned. “So you'd still invite me to slumber parties, and we could shower together, and—”
Twilight's pupils shrank, and her cheeks flushed. “No! It'd be lewd to do stuff like that with a guy. Okay, okay, it would matter.”
“So that's it, then? I'd have to pack up and leave? Being a guy would make me the odd pony out. I'd better find friends elsewhere?”
“Gah! No! You'd still be my friend—”
“—as in coltfriend?” Rainbow Dash wiggled her eyebrows.
“No! Not like that! Regular friend, I mean. Like now.”
“Ouch. Twi, you just friendzoned hypothetical me so hard that my hypothetical guy parts froze over.”
“Uh, well, I guess I could see you that way? Hypothetically, possibly?” Twilight stammered.
“So would it matter if I was a stallion or not?”
“Yes. I-I mean, no. Well, no, but mostly yes?” Twilight winced and thew her forelegs in the air. “Gah! I'm so confused!”
Rainbow Dash snickered. “Then my work here is done. Applejack did say her pies were almost ready. I'm going to go check on them.” She turned around to leave.
“Wait, stop!” Twilight took a deep breath. “Which is the right answer? Does it matter, or doesn't it?”
“Either or.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “It depends on the context. Honestly, Twilight, the world isn't black and white. Don't try to treat it that way.” She flew out the door, but stopped to poke her head back in. “Plus, guy me is smoking hot. Think about that will you?”
“No! I-I mean, yes. Ack!” Twilight covered her mouth to hide her deepening blush as Rainbow Dash laughed all the way out.
After reaching the bottom of the stairs, Rainbow Dash gave Fluttershy a long look. She only spoke once the uncomfortable silence grew so long that it broke off and fell into the ocean. “Fluttershy, you were right. Twilight was totally freaking out. I, uh, couldn't get her straightened out on the changeling thing, so I just distracted her by going ahead asking my own question. She'll probably get over it on her own, maybe.” Rainbow Dash shrugged.
“Um, if you say so...” Fluttershy's eyes glinted in the dim candlelight. It was late at night, so they'd snuffed the lanterns that hung on the cold, stone walls.
“And our plan?” Pinkie asked.
“Ha! I think we have that in the bag.” Rainbow Dash leaned back in the air. “I left Twilight confused about whether or not a male version of myself would be stupid sexy. You should have seen the look on her face!”
“Don't tease me like that, darling. This I have to see.” Rarity trotted up the stairs.
“Stick to the plan!” Pinkie yelled after her.
“Of course. She won't know what hit her.”
“Yes. No. Yes. No. Oh, yes! Ack!” Twilight sat in one spot, covering her mouth with her hooves. Her tail twitched, and her hind legs trembled. Each involuntary motion sent her whimpering harder than the last. It would have been amusing to watch if she weren't so pathetic.
Standing in the shadows of the alcove, Rarity nodded to herself. In a somewhat useless gesture, she levitated a stylish pair of earmuffs and secured them to Spike. He'd been sleeping like a rock the whole time, but it was the thought that counted.
Then, she sauntered in.
Swaying her hips, she alternatively teased the eyes with her flanks. Each gesture was definitive, calculated, and seductive. After enough of a glance to entice, she'd pull in that side to present the other. Holding a red rose in her mouth, she spat it out, twirled it in the air, and inserted it into Twilight's frazzled mane. “You look positively radiant tonight.”
“I... what?”
Closing the distance, Rarity held her hoof under Twilight's chin, tipping her face up so that their eyes met. “You are the star of your own constellation. The gem of your own making, The flower of your own garden—”
“Uh, Rarity—” Twilight pushed the hoof away. “—are you flirting with me?”
“Would it matter if I was?” She batted her eyelashes.
Twilight gulped. Her eyes widened and she took a few steps back, bumping into an old bookshelf. “What is up with you girls? Are all of you trying to be completely insufferable tonight?”
“Really, Twilight. You've had a busy day. We all have. Between the changelings and the wedding, I had to face some awful, scary truths. Life is so precious. We have such little time in this world to grow into the flowers we are, and all it takes is one bit of bad luck with an invading army or giant monster and that flower will never bloom. So it is with a recalcitrant heart that I ask: would it matter to you if any one of us was a lesbian?”
Twilight's wide eyes collapsed into narrow slits. Her open mouth snapped shut, and she pulled the rose from her hair to slap it on a wayward book. Ironically, it was a steamy romance novel. “Okay, stop. I think I've finally figured out what you're all up to. You're all just forcing friendship problems onto me by making variants of the same question. Well, I haven't figured out why you're doing that, but I can see through your setups, at least. Fluttershy wanted to make sure that I didn't jump to conclusions, and Rainbow Dash was telling me that I shouldn't look at the world through a narrow-minded filter. You? You're saying that even though the question is subjective, the answer can still have life-altering consequences. I'm not going to fall into that trap. You won't be getting an answer from me.”
“Impressive. You are a good sleuth. Well, if you're uncomfortable answering my question, than I shall respect that as your answer and not press for more.” Rarity dramatically held a hoof to her forehead, then backed away, giving them some breathing room. “Sorry for making you uncomfortable, dear. Though, if you really want to know, what I was aiming for is that sometimes a question is just too personal. If that's the case, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and refuse to answer. I admire you for doing that. Again, I apologize. It's been a rough day for all of us.”
“You're right. We all have had a hectic day. Apology accepted.” Twilight nodded. She paused to smooth out her mane. “But what's with the bigger picture? Why are you all bothering me?”
“Tck. Does trying to have fun with your friends really need a to have a deeper meaning?” Rarity grinned wide, showing too many teeth. “Um, Perhaps we just felt inspired by the circumstance?”
Twilight's eyes lit up, as they often do when she solves a problem. “You're right! I think we've all been acting weird because of that giant love spell that banished the changelings! That makes so much sense! You see—”
Tension washed from Rarity and she let out a sigh of relief as Twilight went on a long-winded spiel about powerful magic and its lingering effects. She had come uncomfortably close to revealing the truth, but her mind latched onto something else at the last moment and they'd been saved by her brain, so to speak. Of course, had Twilight actually figured things out, everything would have been simply ruined. Still, the night wasn't over quite yet, as late as it was, and they could still fail.
“—Fluttershy really loves caring for animals, so she channeled that love energy into a heartfelt plea for any changelings who aren't evil, even if she really isn't one herself. As for you and Dash, with love literally in the air, it's no wonder that you two came onto me. I—” Twilight blushed. “—Well, I'll just have to take things slow and easy and tread carefully until the aftereffects from that spell fade...”
Twilight's voice trailed off when Applejack marched in, bringing an entire bakery's worth of delicious aroma with her. Her powerful, firm muscles rippled under her hardened, toned skin and her glistening body dripped with sweat that was wrung out from heat by the ovens. She held up an entire mountain of pies with ease.
In a crude, yet deliberate manner, she plopped them on an old, marble table. “Grub's here, everypony!” Eagerly, the rest of Twilight's friends filed in the room.
The table, unfortunately, wasn't balanced properly and one of the pies tipped off. It landed with a splat on Applejack's flank. “Aw, shucks.” She frowned, then turned to face Twilight. “Say, my hooves are all sweaty. Do ya think ya could lick that off for me?”
Twilight's cheeks flamed from within, deepening to a color that could make a beet look pale. She vanished in a blip of magic.
Everypony stood in silence, staring at the empty spot.
“W-well, I know Twilight said she wasn't going to give me an answer, but I guess got one anyway?” Rarity glanced around. “Where do you suppose she went?”
Rainbow Dash flew over to the window and pulled the curtains open. “I see her. She's in the courtyard, standing in a fountain.”
“Taking an impromptu cold shower,” Fluttershy added.
A rooster crowed and the horizon glinted with an imminent flip from night to day. Around the room, everypony relaxed, breathing out and wiping sweat from their faces. The tension in their bodies gave way to slumps and sighs of relief. They were so worn out that even the delicious pies remained untouched.
Pinkie Pie leaned back and grinned at the ceiling. “Okay, so we had some rough spots, but everything still worked out in the end. Great job, everypony. Operation Distract Twilight With Friendship Problems So That She Doesn't Think About What Her Brother's Doing To Her Foalsitter Right Now was a complete success!”