Growing up in Ponyville one gets accustomed to many strange occurrences. We have zebra shamans, princesses sprouting castles from nowhere, librarians becoming princesses, animate dogs made of wood, and ponies that still think purple polka dots are the height of fashion (poor souls).
But I had to admit, having to fend off a quartet of hairless apes wielding shears was a new one.
A whirling axe headed straight for my head and I shrieked in terror, barely ducking in time. I tried to bolt to the exit, but an enormously broad ape was standing in the doorway beating its chest and bellowing with rage. I circled back trying to find cover behind my fainting couch, but a tiny ape in a gaudy sweater tackled me and I tumbled to the floor.
"NOW CANDY!" The tiny ape cried.
I screamed as a bespectacled ape leaped on my neck and started furiously licking it. I kid you not, licking!
The other ape groaned. "No Candy! No! You need to cut it!"
"ENOUGH!" I shouted. I flared my horn and smashed them all into the ceiling with a burst of telekinetic magic. I held them there, teeth grinding with rage. "What is the meaning of this!? Who are you!? And good god girl, why are you wearing puce with your complexion!" I said, jabbing a hoof at the girl with the gaudy sweater.
Said girl wasn't even paying attention, instead glaring at the bespectacled ape. "Candy! You were supposed to cut her mane, not lick it!"
Candy blushed. "I'm sorry, it's just... I couldn't help myself. Haven't you ever seen a delicious unicorn neck and just wanted to run your tongue all over it?"
A certain part of my mind went to Trenderhoof, I blushed.
I shook myself. "Yes, well I have to say that a lady who, I presume, is as young as yourself should not be indulging in such physical relations and certainly not with an unwilling- EEEEEEK!"
I just barely ducked another axe thrown by the tall one. "Oh for pity's sake! H-how many of those do you have!" I stammered.
The tall one shrugged. "Oh, I just carry the tw- I mean, tons! I have sooo many axes! So you should totally let us down, and like give us your mane... You know, so you don't have to deal with all of my axes..."
I narrowed my eyes. This was getting ridiculous. "Why do you want my mane?" Theirs were actually quite nice, if somewhat unkempt.
The stocky one threw up her arms and rasped at me. "We need it to save the world! Or the Mystery Shack... Or maybe just... Our dreams or something? It's kind of unclear."
I winced. "Dear would you like a cough drop?"
She blinked. "No, why would I need one?"
I sighed, rubbing a hoof on my forehead. All I'd wanted was a nice day off and a cup of chamomile and now my shop was in ruins, my fur was covered in ape saliva, and I was starting to get a horn ache from holding up my attackers for so long.
The one with the silly sweater waved her arms at my magic. "How are you doing this? I thought all unicorn horns could do was change color, point to the nearest rainbow and play techno."
I tilted my head. We could play techno? I think I'd have to pay Vinyl Scratch a visit later... Still, there was a task at hand. I cleared my throat. "Well, as you can see, mine can do much more than that. Now, if you had just asked politely for a lock of my mane, like civilized creatures, I would have given it to you, but I rather think assaulting a lady in her own home should have some consequences thank you very much." I harrumphed and tossed my mane in agitation. I mean, really.
The girl in the sweater winced. "Okay..., you seem a lot more reasonable than the last unicorn we met and I'm super sorry about the whole attacking you with bladed weapons thing, but we're kind of in some trouble here. There's a ritual thing that my nerdy brother and uncle need to do to protect my home from this creepy chaos being and we super need more unicorn hair for it."
Well, that was certainly something I could sympathize with. Still, I raised an eyebrow, "More unicorn hair? Why don't you just get it from the first unicorn you met! They were clearly more willing than me."
"She left town!" The raspy voiced one shouted. "Right after we beat her up and took her jewels!"
My eyes went wide.
The one with the sweater winced. "Look, that was a totally different circumstance, they were being super mean. Besides, we didn't have a choice. My family was in danger and still is! We need unicorn hair to help them... Pleeease?" She gave me a pair of puppy dog eyes that would have put my sister's to shame.
I looked away. I'd known Apple Jack long enough to know when somepony was telling the truth... And I'd certainly done some extreme things for my family in the past. I felt a niggling bud of sympathy growing.
Still, I wasn't about to trust them with my hair. I sat down and thought. What unicorn could possibly deserve having their mane ripped out by unfashionable apes?
#
The palace door opened and Blueblood held up a glass of wine. "Well, well, if it isn't the homely little troublemaker from the gala. Have you come for some lessons in actual cla-AHHHHHH!"
A swarm of tiny apes descended on him.
I watched the melee, sipped my chamomile and smiled. I was wrong, today was going to be very relaxing...