//------------------------------// // II. Isolation // Story: Abandoned Memories // by Mika //------------------------------// Alone. The feeling of not having to constantly be bombarded with question or examinations was blissful. However, it wasn't nearly enough to change your blank expression. All you had on your mind was those two figures you see every time you close your eyes. Those two, blood-stained figures, whom you've learned to call your parents. Whether or not they had really been your parents was a mystery to you. The case report and the medical staff had assured you that they were, but could you really trust them? After all, they had assured you that the medical procedure to remove that memory would go fine. And now you have amnesia. And they wondered why you refused to talk to them. Sigmund, however, was different. When you left a couple of hours ago, you had a discussion with Sigmund. You stopped on the side of the road. At this point, it took complete concentration to fully remember a memory. You shut your eyes and search the storage of your mind for that memory. "I think we should have you visit me in my new office once a month. This way, I can evaluate you to see if your condition improves. If you want, we could also search for other methods that we were unable to perform at the hospital." Sigmund kept talking about some of the new methods that he would like to start. Out of the entire medical staff, you trusted Sigmund. He was one of the few staff members that had never left your case, the others being too insignificant for you to remember. Sigmund was the only one who you truly believed wanted to cure you, not just because it was his duty as a psychiatrist. Although you never appreciated much that the medical staff had done for you, or rather, TO you, you can at least respect the years of work Sigmund had done for you. "What do you say?" questions Sigmund. "Yes." you reply. Sigmund was the only one you ever communicated with as well. "Good. Now, I know that you do not wish for any more examinations, but I'm sure with time, we will find a way to help you. Now, before you leave, I want you to start taking anti-depressants. I feel that they may work to some extent, and really, at this point, any help that works is crucial." explains Sigmund. "Okay." "Well... I suppose this is it. For now. Remember, I want you to visit me at my new office in a month. From there, we'll discuss new plans and procedures." "Yes." You get up and started to walk away. However, you couldn't help but feel remorseful for Sigmund. You stopped, and turned to him. "Thank you, Dr. Sigmund. Even though you couldn't help me." This was the longest conversation you've held with the medical staff ever since the accident. Now, you open your eyes, and observe your surroundings. Night had fallen while you had been remembering. "Wha-huh? How is this possible? Has it really taken me this long?" you questioned yourself. Nevertheless, you get up off the ground, and continue on your way. Having stopped for so long, your joints and grown stiff, only slowing your pace. You extend your wings to stretch them, which, no matter what was going through your mind, always felt relieving. Even though you never used your wings in the hospital, you had gone through muscle therapy to prevent wing-muscle atrophy. You fold your wings back in, and continue, speeding up your pace by a bit. Three hours later, and you had still not seen any signs of civilizations. It was near pitch-black, and you dare not venture further, as to prevent yourself from losing track of the road. You were certain that the road would eventually lead to a town. Nopony would create a road leading nowhere. Or would they? Again, these were just your trust issues preventing any certainty of any situation. Since you wouldn't venture any further, you stopped again by the side of the road, near what seemed to be a tree. The darkness hid its true form. This was your least favorite part of any day. Sleeping. Why? Because whenever you closed your eyes, they would come back. Haunting you. But you could only evade sleep for so long. However, you quickly remember the pills Sigmund had told you to take immediately. "I suppose now would be as good as any other time to start taking these." you say to yourself as you pull out a container. You pop the cap off carefully, as to not drop any. You slowly pull out two. "Or was it three? Between how many hours? Damn amnesia." You reassure yourself that it was two, every 24 hours. At least you were rather certain that it was. You placed the pills in your mouth, and swallowed. You had no idea how soon they would begin to have an effect. You just hoped that they could somehow suppress the nightmares you've had. You screw the cap back on, and feel around for its proper position in the saddlebag. You slip it back in, and snap the bag shut. You placed your head on the ground, and waited for sleep to arrest you. Sleep crept up on you, and took you by surprise. -------- "M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..." "Daddy... Wake up already!" "Please..." -------- Your eyes dart open and quickly pick yourself up. You're panting, and covered in a cold sweat. "Pills *huff* didn't do a damn *huff* thing!" you shouted between breaths. You're still panting, but as you look around, you see that the sun is barely rising. You sit back down to collect yourself. This had become a routine for you. You knew every night before you slept that you would experience this. And you knew that every time you woke up, you'd be panting. So, as part of your routine, you'd wait to calm down before continuing anything you were doing. After slowing your breath, and recovering, you stood up, and continued on the track. You decided that dawn would be the best time to travel, before you had any encounters with anypony. A few hours have passed without you stopping. You've managed to keep your mind concentrated on the road. They haven't reappeared since your night terror. But something else attracts your attention. Specifically, your stomach. You sighed heavily. You disliked having any sort of weakness. Having weaknesses meant that you would have to seek help, and seeking help meant social interaction. Luckily, you remembered the three apples that you had in your saddlebag. You stopped only for a few seconds to pull one out. "Crisis averted." you said to yourself as you bit into the apple. You continue onto your pace again, hoping to reach the next town before anypony walks on this road while you're on it. You'll be damned if you have to interact with somepony. But then you come to a realization. "What am I going to do when I reach the town? Walk in, ask for a home and then keep to myself every month?" You questioned. "Maybe I could stay in the outskirts of the town, and only come in every few weeks for supplies. But do I really want to live my life like that? Or what's left of it at least. Why am I even worrying about this? It's not as if I'm going to remember this tomorrow." you told yourself. Sigmund had told you that if you'd refuse to talk to anypony, you should at least talk to yourself, to keep your speech skills, so when the time came when you HAD to interact with somepony, you wouldn't be at a lost for words. "What about bits? How would I earn those? I doubt Sigmund would be willing to lend me any more every month. And what about him? Knowing him, he'll eventually want me to start with examinations again, which will lead to nowhere. What am I going to do? Live the rest of my life as a sad pathetic waste of a pony?" Tears started to form in your eyes, but you've always been able to hold them back. Shedding tears showed weakness, which you hated to show. However, now, you couldn't. You weren't sobbing, just letting tears out. You didn't fight it. The few times you had cried at the hospital, from what you remember, had eventually comforted you in some manner. Another simple form of expression that comforted you, the other being anger. However, anger had more consequences, which is why you never expressed it. Eventually, you stopped crying. Again, it seemed to you that every emotion followed the same routine. Anger, when you released it, would lead to a quick outburst of rage, in which you would eventually calm yourself down. Sorrow would lead to self-pity, and would resolve itself in the same method rage had. It was all a routine. By now, the sun had settled in the middle of the sky. You were more attentive to the road, constantly making sure that no one was sneaking up behind you. This was your paranoia kicking in. You were starting to become fatigued, so you decided to take a quick rest near the side of the road. You take refuge near a tree, that provided nice cover for you to rest. You ponder about whether or not you should read your case file or not again. This would be the third time. You pull out your case file, and look through the contents. You stare at your photo for a few moments, just like you had before. This time, however, you just skim through Sigmund psychological analysis of you. You looked more into the back contents of the case file. The first couple of pages are Sigmund analysis. The rest is either photo-documentation, which consists of brain scans, medical check-ups, that sort of thing. You also look into the police case. They had included the photos of your parents, dead, for autopsy purposes you assumed. You found it strange that you could look at these photos with no expression and feel nothing, yet, they still haunt you. You look further into the report. You come across a picture of yourself at the crime scene, as a foal, covered in the blood of his parents. Again, you feel nothing staring into what was once you. You continue flipping through the pages, more reports, examinations, brain scans, all of which did nothing. However, you had never noticed, in your two times, that in the back was one more picture. Not a brain scan, photo from the crime scene, or anything of that sort. It was a picture of you, and your parents, taking what seemed to be a family photo. "Why would Sigmund include this? What is he trying to tell me?" Again, you had to fight every urge to destroy this file case. For as much as it would help for you to release your anger into this file case, it would have dire consequences to do so. You simply put it back into the saddlebag, and continue on the road. You could sense that whatever town lay ahead was near. There were less signs of trees, and the road had grown a bit wider. Now, you were more attentive than before. Every other second, you would check behind you, only to be relieved by the fact that no one was there. Over the horizon, you could see the line that was created by the roofs of buildings. Again, as when you exited the hospital, with every step you took closer, your heart beat increased. "What if there's a someone by the entrance? Or what if there's an entire gathering happening right now? I can barely communicate with one pony for my needs, let alone an entire town." With every step closer, your pace was slowed down. And every step closer, you heart raced faster. You could swear that your chest was going to explode. The buildings, which were actually homes, were now much closer. You couldn't see anypony yet, but you stayed alert. Your legs started to tense up much, much more. "This wasn't a good idea. I should have just stayed in the outskirts of this town. I would have a better chance surviving in the forest than I would in this city. Why? Why did I keep going without thinking of the consequences? I should know better than this. I've been hurt too many times for me to fall for this again. I should just turn back right now. But what about food? Are you really going to run away with only two apples? You're only delaying the inevitable. Just go, spend your bits on as much food as you can, and leave. Maybe the ponies in this town aren't social? Maybe there aren't even any ponies in this town. But what if I get stopped by someone who won't let me go on my own? I can't take the risk, I'm just goi-" Letting your mind wander wasn't your best choice. As you stopped yourself mid-sentence, you caught yourself, inside the town. Your heart instantly started beating the hardest it ever has. You could feel the adrenalin rushing through your body. This was the second time you've had this feeling before. The only other time being when you left the hospital. You quickly observed your surroundings, and you saw them. The ponies. Many of them, walking in different directions, but you could only focus on the ones converging towards your direction. You started to back up. You refuse to interact with anypony at this moment. You turned around, deciding that you shall leave. "Whatever awaits me in the forest will prove to be less of a challenge than talking to anypony!" you quickly mutter to yourself. As you started galloping towards the exit of town, you notice another pony walking towards your direction, from behind you, which you could have sworn you had been so attentive to. You began to hyperventilate, taking in quick breaths. If you hadn't been so paranoid, you would have known that you could have just walked past the one pony without any conflict, but that was not the case. Your mind had created a fear of others, which was too great to overcome, at least at the moment. Every second you spent panicking was another second wasted in solving your dilemma. "I have to do it. The only way I'm getting out of this is if I fly." you assured yourself. The reason you haven't flown at all since your release is because you weren't confident in your abilities to do so. You couldn't even remember the first steps to flying. But, now was not the time to panic. You had believed that it was either, "escape by flying or die trying." You erected your darkened wings, readied yourself into what you believed was the proper stance, and pushed yourself off the ground with great force, while flapping your wings. Suddenly, it felt as if time had slowed down. You looked beneath you to see the ponies shrinking. The feel of flying through the air was just as, if not more, exhilarating as when you left the hospital. This time, it was the wind pushing against you, the feel of not having to communicate just a bit longer, the feel of escaping your fear that had brought you great pleasure. You could almost feel a smile coming onto your face, either from flying, or the anti-depressants had finally kicked in. Nevertheless, again, you felt at peace. You took a moment to indulge yourself in the blissful moment you had felt. Still flapping your wings, you had slowed your pace, only enough to stay hovering. "At least flying wasn't one of the things my amnesia hasn't take yet." you told yourself. You looked down towards the town, seeing all the ponies continue on with their day, not noticing you whatsoever, just the way you liked it. You looked back up, seeing the sky, a mass expanse of where you could escape. This, had definitely brought you comfort. "Maybe there is hope for me after all. Maybe I can-" "Look out!" You quickly turned around, only to see a pony hurdling to you at break-neck speeds.