Unfortunately, saving a wayward teen from another dimension while keeping the pony whose body I shared on the down low and attempting to ferret out all the problems in Equestria while at the same time doing everything Luna needed me to do ended up being a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be. But what made it even worse was the fact that looking through an endless amount of books after a thorough search of Tia’s room during some sisterly bonding time that I insisted on turned up nothing in the way of Sunset communication literature. And that added up to me starting to lose my enthusiasm for being a pretty pony princess.
Yeah, the magic was still cool and all, but more and more it was like my life was being pulled away from that happy go lucky high I had been on since ending up in Equestria, and actually resembling work! Real, hard, backbreaking, evil work!
On top of THAT, there was my need to keep in contact with my best friend! A task I had become a little negligent since Rainbow’s accident. Ponies weren’t the kind of species that were like one visitation a week and done. Oh no, I had to visit with Princess Cadance at least every other day to keep our relationship intact. Not that I didn’t like meeting with her, but still, it cut into my limited time and had to be done. If something had to be done, it was work. And work was evil.
And did I mention all the other changes I had to talk Luna into making for Equestria? I wasn’t technically a princess and had no real political authority despite the fact that Lulu had been rubber stamping all of my ‘suggestions’ since I had ended up on Horse World after all. So, yeah. Needed approval from the princess. And as the days went by, it turned out she didn’t just rubber stamp everything I thought up.
Then there were Luna’s other duties I had to attend to, like…
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Celestia thundered as she stood overlooking Ponyville, ablaze in magic that made her coat glow golden while her hair whipped about like fire. She cast her gaze over the immaculate little hamlet that was awash with decorations, set out the finest of possible foods, and displayed every other finery they could manage. But next to the glory of the sun goddess, compared to even the smallest of lavish things she was offered on a daily basis in Canterlot, it was an insult. Less than nothing. “YOU THINK THAT THIS WOULD PLEASE ME? YOU THINK THAT SUCH A MEAGER SHOWING WOULD BE WORTH EVEN A MICROSECOND OF MY TIME?”
In front of the blazing goddess, the little purple unicorn cowered with her belly laid out on the ground as she looked up at her mentor and trembled. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I tried my best princess.”
“Well your best wasn’t good enough, was it? And for your measly attempt…” the flaming horse goddess replied in a harsh tone before she raised a hoof as if to step on Twilight. On the bottom of the blazing pony’s horse slipper, three lines burned red hot. “You shall receive an F!”
“Nooooooooo!” Twilight cried out in horror as the F brand on the bottom of Celestia’s shoes descended upon her. It was at this time that I couldn’t really take anymore. I stepped between the two of them before I raised my hoof to block the nightmarish version of Luna’s big sister that was about three sizes too tall.
The shoe wasn’t hot, and despite Celestia being more than twice the size she should have been, she had no strength behind her push. I sighed at the feeble attempt to hurt me with such a cold hoof, controlled by a large, but physically incapable pony.
“Twilight,” I spoke gently while easily holding off the weak blazing pony with her cold fire, which totally wasn’t hot at all. “Twilight, would you look up here for a second?”
The little purple pony that was covering her head with her forelegs took a moment to look up at me while I easily held dream-Celestia’s not-so-hot hoof of doom at bay with only a fraction of my true strength. “P-Princess Luna? W-What’s going on?”
If I had been doing anything important, I might have been a little put off by Twilight’s question. But the colossal Celestia that I was dealing with wasn’t all that hot, or strong either. So I just smiled back at her. “You’re dreaming Twilight,” I told her before looking back at the Celestia who only looked like her touch would turn anything that got near her to ash.
But looks weren’t everything. In reality, she was just producing a slightly uncomfortable warmth while pushing down on me with a level of strength even a baby could have outdone.
“Although,” I went on while ignoring what might have been a slight discomfort in my hoof. “I’m kind of worried about you. I mean…is this how you really see Tia?”
I could maybe understand the size and display of power she was showing. Twilight had first met the Princess when she was just a little girl after all, it made sense that scale of size would stick with her subconscious mind for a few dozen years. Although how she even began to think of the playful pony Celestia as some tyrannical authority figure, blazing with enough power to set the town on fire I-
Oh shit, I thought to myself as my hoof went from slightly uncomfortable to feeling as if it was on fire before I grabbed Twilight and leapt out of the way of Celestia’s fiery appendage before it crashed down onto the grass where we were standing and created a nicely-sized crater.
“Wha?” the little purple pony in my grip said as we landed, and I felt the painful sensation that accompanied burns a second later. “What’s going on?”
“GAAA! Hot! Hot! Hot!” I said while standing on three legs shaking my right hoof like I meant it.
“Somepony decided to let herself be caught up in the dream,” Luna chided me as she explained the situation to Twilight.
After the pain disappeared and my body healed completely from me shaking my hoof around, because that’s what happened when a pony did that sort of thing, I glared at the dream construct of Celestia and worked a spell Luna had taught me through my horn. “Yeah well, if we had just gone with my idea from the get go, we’d already be done!” I said before pointing the glowing pointy extrusion at Celestia.
“And as I said, thy dream manipulation is much too crass and oafish to provide any true resolution. The dreamer should confront her fears and doubts, not simply have their manifestation washed away,” Luna told me before I hit Celestia in the chest with my magical dream-deathray.
I caught the tail end of a bright flash as I raised my head, and the blazing rage version of Celestia was gone. “Yeah, but my way’s quicker and cooler,” I said before looking back to Twilight. “Hey Purple Smart, you okay?”
Twilight got on her hooves and looked up at me with a frown. “Purple Smart?”
“Do not ask me where she gets such names,” Luna deadpanned. “Even with Nightmare dwelling within my mind, her thoughts are a mystery to me.”
The little unicorn that was somehow terrified of the most gentle creature in existence, that being Celestia, stood there for a few moments, looking us over. “Wait a minute. If this is a dream, how is it the two of you are still sharing a body?” she asked. “From what I’ve read about dream manipulation magic, this is all a mental construct. So…shouldn’t Luna be able to manifest herself?”
I…blinked. As Luna’s foremost (and only) student on dreams, I had to say that Twilight had a point. Although things were a bit more complex than the basic ‘think it and do it’ instruction that they had doled out when all the little ponies went to Slumber Land, there was nothing from really stopping Luna from at least creating a kind of dream avatar that she could manipulate via her will. Both Fluttershy and Twilight had done it with the dream-Angel and the library of attack-books.
But...there was still tons of stuff I didn’t know about the magic of unconsciousness. “Hey, can you do that?” I asked her after turning my head back to look at myself.
Luna was silent for a minute before she go back to me. “Well, now that you are no longer repressing me. Such a thing might be possible. But…I believe I will require your cooperation.”
“Okay,” I agreed, maybe sounding a bit too enthusiastic. If this worked, it would open up a whole new world of guilt relief for me still being in control of Luna’s body. For several hours a day while we slept, Luna could be out roaming whatever lucid dream we decided to make. Lucid dreams kind of being the norm when you were a nightmarish creature from beyond the 4th wall that was currently in possession of a moon goddess.
“Now, simply picture me standing in front of you, whole and completely in control of myself,” Luna instructed before going silent again.
I did like she said, and closed my eyes. I imagined her cute little light purplish coat, the short and stylish silver-blue mane she had in the Castle of the Two Sisters, her regalia with the moon symbol on it, and of course that unique butt symbol on top of the inkblot. I willed her to manifest in front of me.
No, she was standing in front of me at this very moment.
She was!
WAS!
She-
“Success! We have-Gaaah!”
I opened my eyes in surprise to see the cutest little pony in the world standing in front of me. Just as I had imagined, Luna was wearing her adorable little crown, shoes and torc with the moon symbol on it. As I had been around ponies for awhile now, I could say without a doubt that Luna was the epitome of graceful beauty. She was slim without being scrawny, well-defined and possessing of a regal stance.
Even though her stature was…less than royal.
“Princess Luna?” Twilight squawked as she looked down at the little pony that was nearly a head shorter than the unicorn. Smaller than she had been in the show. And much more adorable. “Is that really…you?”
Said princess let out a little growl. “No!” she squeaked before pausing to look down at herself for a second. “Well…yes. And no!” Then, she looked over to me with a frown. “You were supposed to give unto me the appearance I had when we joined together one-thousand years ago! Not this…mockery of how I appeared before I began raising the moon! And-ah…huh, that is odd.”
I cringed and drew in on myself. A big part of me felt like kicking myself for making Luna angry, but when she stopped talking to wobble around a little bit, I rushed over and put my hooves on her shoulders. “Luna! What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I got ready to undo the little Luna in front of me in an instant.
Unless, that would hurt her.
Would that hurt her?
I didn’t know.
Stupid dream magic crash course.
The little alicorn reached up to pat me on the fetlock and sighed. “Tis fine. I am still…seeing from the eyes in our head, as well as from the perspective of this body. The effect of looking at one’s self is…very strange.”
“Should we try and fix it?” I asked, completely unsure of just what we could do for this, other than remove dream-Luna’s body from the equation. But then the question of if that would hurt her came into my mind again.
The tiny goddess shook her head. “No. Tis something I will have to become used to is all,” she said softly before looking back up at me with a glare. “And do not think for a single moment thy concern has made me put my anger for this form that has been crafted for me aside! To quote your own words, is this how you truly see me?”
That got a little flinch out of me. I knew that Luna had tons of pride. Being put into the body of something approaching a filly probably rubbed her the wrong way. “What?” I asked as I reared back just a bit before getting down face to face with Luna. “No! Of course not! You know I respect the hay out of you Luna! I just…um…well…”
I stalled, trying to think of an excuse as to why I put Luna into an uber-cutie body instead of one that demanded respect like her season 2 form. But, I realized I already had the perfect excuse. “I have no real memory of what you look like, remember?” I asked, hoping that Luna would still buy the amnesia excuse. “All I really had to go on were those old paintings Celestia showed us when we were hanging out in her room playing Monopony.” And I took the time to look for Sunset's book, which Tia didn't have.
Luna groaned and covered her hoof with her face. “Why did I let her show you those?” she mumbled before she looked over to the unicorn. “And no, suffice to say Twilight Sparkle, I should not look as I do now. Nightmare’s interpretation of my appearance was made based off paintings that were old when I was forced to depart Equestria. I am in reality far taller…and possessing of much more beauty.”
“Yeah, but right now you look super cute so…” I tried to resist. I really did. It wasn’t that I considered the quadruped in front of me just a tool for my amusement like I did with our aides, or…whatever the hell Twilight and the others were to me, which I was still trying to figure out. No, I respected Luna, even loved her in a big/little sister kind of way depending on how she acted at any given moment.
But with the cutest little pony on any planet just sitting in front of me with such a pout on her pony-face, I just couldn’t help myself. I lashed out and struck the smaller dream pony to entrap her in my grip before pulling her back. “Somepony needs a hug!” I said before falling back into the grass and wrapping my wings around the little pony pressed up against me a second before smooshing her to my chest.
Luna sighed dejectedly. “Why is it that I can only seem to find anger at myself for not seeing this one coming?”
Twilight giggled at the sight, but stopped suddenly when I felt Luna turn her head to look at her. “Do you find something amusing about Nightmare’s showing of affection Twilight Sparkle?”
“Gurk!” Purple Smart replied as I looked over to see she had frozen up, and was starting to sweat a bit. “Um…no-I mean...I’m sorry Princess Luna!” And with that, Twilight went into a deep bow, and kept it for several second before she raised herself back up. “So um…why are you here again?”
I raised an eyebrow. “You do remember the giant flaming version of Celestia that was going to step on you before we jumped in, don’t you?” I asked, which got a little nod from Twilight. “What was up with that?” Not that I didn’t have my suspensions.
“Well…Princess Celestia is coming to Ponyville tomorrow on an official visit,” Twilight began.
Before she could go on, Luna nodded. “Yes, we are accompanying her at Nightmare’s insistence, as well as Princess Cadance. She will be coming along with her beau as well.”
Twilight’s eyes widened for a few seconds, but she was back under control before another freak-out could occur. “Right. Well…I’m just worried that even if we do everything possible for the princess, she’ll…be disappointed,” the unicorn said as if she were admitting to a crime. “Ponyville is nice, but nothing it has can even hope to compare to Canterlot.”
Luna laughed. I mean just outright laughed. She threw her head back, and just let out burst after burst of HAs that filled the air for a good thirty seconds. And when she was done, the little goddess looked back over to Twilight. “Oh Twilight Sparkle. That…that is just…do you know what my sister says about our last visit to thy home?”
The question immediately put Twilight into cower mode. She crouched down in on herself, and began to shake while offering apologies. “Oh Princess, I’m sorry I didn’t have a big enough bed and made the entirety of Equesria’s higher royalty sleep in the basement! I-I should have-”
Before Twilight could work herself into a frenzy, Luna started talking. “Celestia says it was the most fun she has had in one-thousand years!” the goddess said, stopped Twilight in mid word. “My sister and I adore your little village! I look forward to the next time Nightmare drags me down there so that we might converse with your friends, and I’m amazed it was Celestia that suggested we all go together before her. She wants to sample more of Ms Pie’s treats and engage in an actual conversation with dear Fluttershy instead of getting one syllable replies like the first time they met. We both want to check up on Rainbow to see if she has healed well, and see this orchard of Madam Applejack’s that she was so proud of when a storm hasn’t had its way with the grounds.”
And all of a sudden, I got the odd feeling that I was being a bad influence on the little pony in my forelegs because, she got this grin. This…devilishly mischievous grin. A grin that just spoke of how evil Luna’s next words were going to be as she leapt out of my grip and pulled me upright with her horn to stand just a little bit ahead of her. “And after seeing our body from this angle, there is no doubt in my mind that Rarity will declare that our royal rear is truly the plot perfectly padded for a princess.”
The mention of the Best Alicorn Ass Contest made me tap my chin in thought as Luna took another moment to check herself out. “Oh yeah, we never did settle that argument, did we?”
As Twilight’s look of horror entered a whole new dimension, Luna trotted forward and put on a more serene smile. “It is the ponies and the experiences we will make with them that brings us to Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle,” she said before looking back at the décor for a moment. “Although such efforts are most appreciated in that they show us respect, do not think for a moment any of us wouldn’t find joy in the most common of offerings as long as thy heart was in it.”
Twilight stopped with her freak-out to look down on Princess Luna, a bit of wonder on her face before she smiled back. “I…um…yes. Thank you Princess. I just…”
“No need for explanations Twilight Sparkle,” Luna told her with a friendly laugh before her voice turned a little melancholy. “I know all too well how even the brightest ponies can perceive the ire of an alicorn.”
With the conversation apparently at an end, I looked back down at Twilight. “So, you all calmed down now? No worries about Celestia sudden doubling in size and bursting into flame to stamp Fs all over Ponyville?”
Twilight giggled. “No,” she admitted before looking back where the image had been. “And when you talk about it like that, it does seem kind of silly.”
There was another pause, and the three of us looked around at the dream-town before Twilight said something else. “So…um…what now?”
“Well, truth be told, it is rather late to continue with Nightmare’s dream walking training,” Luna replied. “We only came here after sensing your distress.”
Before Twilight could ask, I volunteered the information. “Luna had me put a little monitoring charm on you and your friends,” I explained. “I know it’s favoritism, but you girls deserve special attention after everything you’ve done for Luna…and when you didn’t beat me to a pulp back at the Everfree.”
Twilight giggled. “I think I was a little too pooped for that…and terrified,” she admitted with a blush.
And then there was yet another pregnant pause.
“So...what have you two been up to since the hearing?” the little unicorn asked.
“Do you not read the papers of news?” Luna replied, which opened the floodgate of topics that we ended up discussing for the rest of the night. Which were a lot, and mostly revolved around several of Luna’s reforms that I had been pushing her towards.
Which…really weren’t all that much when it came to the national budget, unfortunately.
There had been plenty of good work going on between my searching for Sunset’s journal. We assured the presence of a doctor in every Canterlot hospital that could mend a broken wing no matter how damaged as well as up-to-date medical equipment. Each major city in Equestria was currently stocking an emergency grain storage in case of a disaster, with special enchantments on the silos in case something were to try and eat the food before distribution. Manehattan’s orphanage, which I was a little disturbed to find actually existed in Equestria, was being renovated. And we might have been pushing for a new holiday dedicated to the history of Equestria.
But those were all just little things.
Big stuff, like the continued existence of the EUP and all of its offshoots like the Wonderbolts and Royal Guard still had me in the ‘what to do about them’ phase. Keeping a bunch of guys around funded by taxpayer ponies when they were pretty much useless wasn’t fair to the ones forking over the dough. Although...firing thousands of ponies didn’t sit well with me either, especially since ponies had absolutely no job adaptability. Their cutie marks said they did one thing, and if they became obsolete, then that was the end of that.
Ironically, the most useless ponies in our military were the only ones with an argument to keep since Wonderbolt shows actually brought in money with their aerial acrobatics.
But hearing Twilight’s praises made Luna feel happy, so I just let the little alicorn soak up the admiration.
As for Twilight’s half of the conversation, Ponyville had been doing well these past eleven days. Fluttershy was having tea parties with her animals, Rarity was making gowns, Applejack was harvesting this month’s crop of apples, Pinkie was…being Pinkie, and Rainbow was doing pretty much what anyone who knew her would suspect. In other words, she was complaining to Twilight about the unicorn controlling her life one minute before stopping by to talk about Daring Do the next. Twilight was actually a little giddy she had a fellow book nerd to talk to about such things, and was rereading the series with Dash to make sure she could follow the conversation.
But, as the saying went, all good things must come to an end. And as Twilight awoke, I trotted off with Luna so that we could get some sleep.
While in our own shared dream, the princess managed to produce a picture of what she had looked like one-thousand years ago for me to copy and bring out her ‘natural’ form. And although it certainly looked regal, it wasn’t nearly as cute.
We played around a bit, with Luna taking the time to run and fly around before we engaged in a game of tag that was slowly given rules like no teleportation, turning invisible, creating a mini-map that displayed the other player’s location…that kind of stuff.
Then came the time for us to wake up.
And shortly thereafter, things got weird.
Really weird.
Even weirder than talking magic ponies weird.
The midday began as any other in my pony-life. Me and Luna awoke to the sound of our servants, and this time I snatched them both up in the magic of my horn to pull the two ponies into my before holding them both down with our impressive size and strength. They complained a little and struggled a bit, but the two girls laughed about it plenty afterwards…mostly because I might have forced them to. With my feathers.
Then it was off to the bath, where they did a touch up job on my hooves after a long soak and luxurious mane combing. Like every now and then, the girls reminded us that they weren’t professional stylists, but I didn’t care about professional quality grooming. Twinkie and Minuette were our friends, and the company they gave was much valuable important than any skills with a brush or comb.
But all things had a price, and snuggling with Twinkleshine cost us valuable briefing time that she had to make up for on our way to the train station.
Not the breakfast table, the train station. We were going to be eating brunch in Ponyville, and Luna had insisted we take ‘commoner transportation’ after talking with Twilight the night before. Celestia and Cadance would be doing it too. The big white alicorn had been too tired to argue when we burst into her room thirty minutes to sunrise for Luna to make her enthusiastic request of ‘Can we go by train Tia?’ ten times before Celestia managed to wake up and kick us out with a loud yes.
So, we and our aides that would be going to Ponyville too walked towards the exit of the castle grounds when something weird happened.
It stated on the edge of my hearing, with this…sound. That wasn’t really a sound. It was more like a…do da do da do…thing that came from, well…all around me. And then…
One of the guards standing near the gate looked at the other stallion standing next to him while we approached. “So they say Princess Luna’s become a reformer. They say she’s cleaning up the streets.”
“About time,” the other guard agreed.
Not that I thought ponies gossiping the good we were doing was a bad thing. But the way they said it was just…odd. But, I shrugged it off and looked over to my aides. Twinkie had gotten distracted on our way out of the castle by a pair of maids sharing a kiss, and hadn’t stopped talking about Lyra and Bon-Bon with her friend since.
“They that it’s real love,” she said in a…strange way before Minuette and her leapt to their hind legs and hugged before they both spoke together in a…harmonious way. “So romantic.”
I sighed and cleared my throat to get Twinkleshine’s attention. “Oh, right!” she said before rushing over to me and holding up the list of things that needed to be brought to my attention. From what I could remember, it had to do with the donations being gathered up and being delivered to the Manehattan orphanage on the crown’s expense. “So they say they’ll have blankets by Monday, thanks to you.”
And then Minuette just had to jump in with her little gossiping again. “It’s the perfect story. So they say. Finding true love today.”
“By the way, my friends, they’re gay,” Twinkleshine decided to mention when I looked over at her with a frown for getting off track again while we moved into the streets of Canterlot. Which quickly attracted a lot of attention, with us being an alicorn and all.
But as we walked through the streets, getting several surprised looks, I found myself focusing on a pony that kind of stood out from the others, on account of her wings and lack of armor.
“So they say it saved her wings,” one of the pegasus moms I recognized from the hospital commented to what I guessed was a unicorn friend of hers.
“I hear she’s got canines, but doesn’t eat meat,” one of a pair of ponies gossiped as my entourage passed through the quickly clearing street as ponies moved out of Luna’s way to gawk.
“We have no problem with her!” nearly every pony I could see spoke in a…group.
Or maybe a…
Wait a minute, I thought to myself as I realized something. The ponies weren’t just spontaneously talking in a group in a strange pitch and tone while odd noises were going off in the background.
They were…singing…in a chorus, to music that just drifted in on the wind.
Yes...it was a musical.
I had literally just walked into a musical.
And I opened my mouth to…um…comment on it.
As I did, the words just…formed in my mouth. They didn’t force their way through, it just…happened.
“Hey this is kind of nice, I may just indulge myself once or twice,” I said…err, sung. It would be better the second time. With some time to get used to the weird stuff.
Then, as we continued our trek complete with a background musical track, I looked down at my crescent moon emblem. “Hey Lulu, come on. Throw some lines around,” I whispered before raising my head, and my voice. “This is perfect for thee, so they say. You’re more than okay. After years of ignoring, they see, that you, can show them, the way.”
“Oh Nightmare,” Luna spoke with her mouth before jumping on the bandwagon, but in a bad way. “There is no happy ending, no matter what they say…not for me anyway.”
I nearly fell flat on our face. SAY WHAT?
“Please stop pretending, there’s no way to build a brand new-” she sang.
At least before I summoned forth all of my dark powers, and clamped our mouth shut with a snap, then mentally shook Luna’s hands off the voice controls to reassert myself. “Okay, singing’s over!” I shouted right as a screeching sound of a needle being pulled off an old vinyl record assaulted my ears. I turned on the two mares following me around and grabbed them in my magic as I spread my wings. “Buck the uplifting song, we’re going to see Tia about this, NOW!”
After a hop, skip, and a very long jump that didn’t involve me coming down until we had reached the train station. I made my way into the royal car, which looked to be little more than a normal car with all the seats taken out to make room for a pair of couches that ran parallel to the side big enough for me and Tia to park our fat asses, with my little ponies floating upside down in the air behind me before I plopped down on mine and glared at the big alicorn reading a scroll.
I took note of the fact that Cadance was mysteriously absent, but that was hardly important. She could be riding Shining Armor like a bucking bronco in the sleeping car for all I cared at the moment.
The only thing that was important was… “CELESTIA!” I yelled at her, making the other alicorn look up from her reading in surprise. “You need to talk to your little sister!”
If there was anything I learned during that hour and a half long train ride from Canterlot to Ponyville, it was that Luna knew how to be stubborn. An hour of talking, speaking, yakking, pleading and discussing was what it took to finally get her to admit to her problem.
By then, Cadance had made her way in from the front car and conjured up a cloud to use as a seat. Shining was still busy doing his guard duty thing though, protecting three beings with enough power to pretty much step on him without noticing when it came to the power level side of things.
As for Luna, the black alicorn was hanging her head as she talked. “The praises the ponies were singing of were all of your actions Nightmare, not mine,” she said.
After getting back in control of her mouth, I so eloquently expressed my confusion over Luna’s nonsensical jabbering in the most verbose way. “Huh?”
“Okay, I obviously missed something here,” Cadance said as she looked back and forth between us and Celesta.
For her part, Tia let out a sigh and shook her head. “On her way to the train, Luna was swept up in the Music of Harmony that encouraged everypony to congratulate her on all the recent good work she’s done over the past several days.”
“Oh!” Cadance exclaimed as she brightened and looked over to us. “I saw some of the paperwork for those Auntie Luna. I didn’t know if I should have mentioned it, but…it was very admirable of you, ordering that food collection drive for the elderly ponies of Equestria that have trouble getting a good meal since they‘re so infirm.”
I frowned at the mention of the Equestrian meals on wheels idea I pitched to Luna. “That’s gone through? I thought we’d need at least a month of making sure everything’s set up.”
And then Luna spoke. “See? This is what I am speaking of. That was Nightmare’s idea, not mine! Every single thing that ponies have congratulated me on stem from her.”
Once again, I focused on Celestia and waited for her to say something to fix this. She was the older sister. She was the wise and immortal ruler with centuries of experience. She was...just sitting there, chuckling to herself?
The fact that Luna was apparently experiencing the samn damn problem that got her sent to the moon in the first place and Celestia was just giggling about it made me growl. “HEY!” I yelled at the alicorn with flanks the size of the sun. “This isn’t funny Celestia! Luna’s got a real problem here! Remember the last time she got upset about being upstaged by another pony?”
My reminder killed Celestia’s laughter faster than an exploding bullet drenched in cyanide that went off in a person’s head. She gave me an even look for my comment, and let out a sigh. “Luna, who signed all the decrees to make those changes?”
There was a slight tingle in my mouth before Luna slowly uttered a single word. “Me. But they were still all of Nightmare’s ideas!”
“And do you do everything that Nightmare Moon tells you to do?” Celestia went on.
We rolled our eyes. “Of course not Sister,” the goddess replied. Although it was really going to come back and bite us in the ass when the Alicorn Amulet turned up because Luna refused to send a few guards to look through the magical curio shops of Equestria. And don’t even get me started on why she refused to deal with that three handed Aztec monkey-dog.
Although Tia’s question really made me bristle Luna’s coat. “Hey! I don’t tell Luna to do anything!” I corrected her fiercely. “I…” Well, except for one or two times when it was spur of the moment super important stuff. “…make suggestions.”
Celestia smiled and nodded. “Exactly,” the sun goddess chirped happily. “Nightmare Moon is your advisor Luna. She may have more ideas on what to do because she was active during your absence and still retains a working knowledge of Equestria to some extent, but you are the one that makes the decisions. And a good princess listens to her advisors.”
“Says the princess without any,” I snarked before I knew what I was doing. Then I felt like smacking Luna in the face with our hoof. It was times like this that I had to wish Luna stayed in control of her mouth more than her horn.
The comment got a confused look from Celestia. “You think I don’t have ponies offer me advice? Nightmare, you attended a meeting of the Equestrian Council,” she replied. “And if that wasn’t enough for you, come to a Department of Weather meeting. Half the time I can barely keep up with Equestria’s weather so I just nod and stamp what they send me.”
She sighed and shook her head. “Luna…I’m sorry for the giggling. And our ponies are right, the way you’ve been patching up the cracks in the system and having Nightmare work with you since you returned…it just shows how wonderful a princess you are.”
We were silent on the matter for a little bit longer before Luna made us sigh. “I see your point Sister, but…I am not sure…I still feel as if I should not be given thanks for the ideas of another.”
“Oh!” Cadance exclaimed. “Then maybe you should start coming up with some ideas of your own. You and Nightmare Moon have been reading books on modern Equestria for awhile now. It’s probably where she got all of her ideas in the first place.”
I took that excuse and ran with it. Oh how I loved that not-so-little pink pony. “Cadance is right Luna. I just see a problem and do what I can to fix it, and our girls sort out the details. It’s not really all that hard.”
Well, it probably was, but I handed all the hard stuff off to Twinkie and Minuette after giving them the bare bones details of what I wanted done. Me big time producer, them lowly writers chained to a typing machine. Such was the way of things.
Which made me wonder if I should talk Luna into giving the girls a raise, or at least hire more ponies. I wondered if Moondancer would have been up for it.
“Hmmm…I can see you might have a point Nightmare,” Luna finally admitted.
Celestia let out a relieved sigh, and I watched as her wings went a little limp. She…might have been a bit more upset than she had let on. “Good. And now that’s over with, tell me Sister, how goes your attempts at separation from Nightmare Moon? If you do want to get out from under her shadow, then that would be the first step, would it not?”
I shrunk in on Luna’s body at the question. Tia was not about to like the answer I was going to give her.
Luna turned our head away from her sister.
“Luna?” Celestia asked.
We groaned. “Yes, about that Sister,” she said. “At the time…I have decided to reaffirm our joint use of my body until a suitable host for Nightmare can be found.”
To say Celestia was displeased would have been an understatement. “Pardon?”
To save Luna’s hide, and by that I mean my own since we shared it, I took control of her mouth. “Hey she’s the one who decided this, not me!” I still felt guilty over the fact I was the one making her body do nearly everything we did.
Celestia’s mask slipped, and her eyes went into frown mode. “Luna, we talked about this. You and Nightmare Moon need to be separated.”
“And then what Tia?” she demanded. “Shall we force Nightmare into an incorporeal existence? Take away a body she has used for longer than any of our subjects have been alive? Having control of my body is a concern Sister, but I will not let it be at the expense of another that has held it for so long. Besides, as you said tis my body. I may do with it as I wish, including loan it to another.”
Once again, the look of Celestia’s face shifted, and once again, it was anything but pleasant. She looked like she had swallowed a piece of rotten fruit. “While I can not argue your point…I can’t be happy about it either,” she mumbled before raising her volume a bit. “Especially since this perfect solution of yours doesn’t seem to exist! We may not know much about it, but we know the Nightmare needs a body of her own. So how would you suggest we get one that isn’t in use?”
“If the answer were simple sister, then we problem would have already been solved,” Luna replied. “Mayhap I might just have to make one for her myself.”
I…really didn’t like what Luna might have been implying with that comment.
The last ten minutes to Ponyville were spent in almost total silence, with the exception of things being a short conversation I had with Cady, and indulging in my curiosity to find out what Celestia was reading. Apparently Fillydephia had been attacked by a group of voracious insects that tried to eat everything in town.
But then they made the mistake of eating the grain stored where I had suggested Luna build a storage facility. Although it wasn’t poisoned, the sleeping spell defense did its work and knocked out all of the flying tribbles so they could be dealt with properly.
With fire.
Which brought up another little topic as the train came to a stop. “Although I’m afraid there won’t be much to eat during this brunch. Ponyville’s been having a parasprite problem as well,” Celestia said once the brakes had stopped squealing.
“Wait,” I said as something Tia just mentioned started sending off alarm bells in my head. I looked over to Luna’s sister and frowned. “You know about parasprites?” In the show, she had just exclaimed over the supposed cuteness of the creatures as they passed her by.
As my memories of what I knew should be and what was clashed, Tia gave me a look of confusion. “Why wouldn’t I? Luna and I lived in the Everfree Forest for hundreds of years. We’re well acquainted with all its creatures,” she said before looking over to the pink pony princess. “Tell Shining Armor to cast an imploding barrier around Ponyville tailored to a single type of creature. I’ll grab one as to provide a sample. The field will contract and pull them into a manageable mass. Then we can deposit them in the Everfree where they belong.”
Next to the big princess, the little pink one raised an eyebrow. “Won’t they just fly back into town?” she asked. “I may have only read about parasprites, but just shooing them away doesn’t seem like it would do much.”
Celestia nodded. “I suppose we should also put up a few wards that will keep them from escaping until the predators limit their numbers.”
“Hold on a second,” I spoke up again. “You mean you’re planning to just feed them to the manticores and…all the other stuff that lives in the Everfree?” That seemed a little…morbid for ponies.
This time, it was the big black princess that I currently was that filled me in. “The meat eaters of the Everfree need to feed on something Nightmare. Parasprites are the only creatures that reproduce fast enough to provide that food source in sustainable quantities for such an area.”
I…blinked. That made a certain amount of sense, actually. Although, I had to wonder where all the food the sprites ate that let them reproduce enough came from. The Everfree Forest didn’t exactly come off as a literal garden of delights.
Cadance magiced the door open for us, and smiled when a little when the sound of music reached our ears. “Oh they set up a band to welcome us that’s so-what the buck?” she asked as the source of said music came trotting past.
And it was…kinda cool.
Sure, I was pretty certain I would see Pinkie Pie walking around with ten instruments, but the opening season animation just didn’t do the little horse justice. A quick count told me Pinkie was indeed playing ten things, and moving like crazy to keep all the strings, woodwinds, percussion, and brass instruments she was toting around playing. It was pretty damn impressive.
Celestia blinked. “Hmm, upon further examination, I don’t think Shining Armor will be needed Cadance. Pinkie Pie appears to have everything well in hoof,” she said before turning her gaze elsewhere. “Now, all we need to do is-um… Why does most of Ponyville look like something took a bite out of it?”
To keep from grinning like a madman with an I-have-a-secret smile I made myself do an overly dramatic slump and groan. “Come on Celestia, let’s see what Twilight did now.”
“What makes you think Twilight’s behind this?” Cadance asked a little miffed at my baseless accusation of her future little sister.
For a moment, I was just struck mute as I tried to come up with a good excuse.
But then, Celestia saved my ass. “Because she’s Twilight,” the goddess said before she walked out of our car through the door fit for the width a princess’s posterior, and motioned us to follow as the guards were looking around at the destruction in surprise.
It didn’t take us long to locate Twilight. Although everypony touched their noses to the ground in a bow so seeing over them was even easier, only one little purple pony in the group was so low it looked like she sinking into the ground.
“Hello Twi-”
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight cried out in a panic before Tia could finish. “I’m sorry! I should have trusted Pinkie and listened to her from the beginning. She had the solution to this all along, but I was too busy running around to listen to her!”
The alicorn blinked. “Well that’s…” She paused for a second before recovering the usual loving goddess smile. “A very valuable lesson in friendship Twilight,” Celestia told her before leaning down to loudly whisper in her ear. “Although when it comes to the magic one, remember that Dietary Change spell always makes the target swap out whatever you're telling the target not to eat with something else. Such things must be kept in balance after all. Next time, you might want to pick something a bit more plentiful than wood and metal.”
Twilight let out a little groan and covered her hooves. “Ugh, I can’t believe I forgot that,” she whined before getting to her proverbial feet and giving a downcast expression. Seeing little Purple Smart looking so sad nearly broke my heart.
But only nearly. Her reckless spell-slinging had helped cause the destruction of the town after all.
“Now because of me, your visit is ruined,” Twilight apologized before she looked back at the town. “And so is Ponyville.”
“Oh I wouldn’t say that,” the white princess replied before she took a look around. “I’m sure one of us can think of something to do about all this. Right Luna?”
I pulled my head back a bit at the sudden change of Celestia’s attention, and blinked a few times before Luna spoke. “Well, the three of us could easily use our magic to repair any damages to the town,” she replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Then, when Celestia simply nodded for her to continue instead of agreeing, the black alicorn slowly kept talking after ordering me to take a look around. “Although…looking around this village does give me an idea.”
“Yes?” Celestia said.
Luna cleared our throat before having me turn her head back to Tia. “Lately, Nightmare has been having us go over the military to see if we can…preen away the useless feathers, as it were. But taking away a pony’s purpose leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So…mayhap we could repurpose the guards?” she asked her sister, who just gave another encouraging nod. “A…disaster relief corps, perhaps. And we need to station a few members of the guard knowledgeable of beasts near this village as well Sister, should some other creature wander in from the Everfree.”
When it seemed Luna was finally finished, Celestia nodded enthusiastically. “An excellent idea Sister. You should put the decree to paper the moment we return home,” the goddess told us before stepping in close to whisper in our ear as Twilight looked up at the two of us in confusion. “Although, maybe we should step in this time to help them out? It will take time for all that paperwork to go through.”
Luna chuckled and nodded. “Agreed Sister,” she said before letting out a hmm to show something else had occurred to her. “But what of Ponyville’s food? The emergency granaries are in their infancy. I do not believe they are ready to provide for a town that has undergone a parasprite attack.”
The sound of hoof steps behind me announced Cadance before she even spoke, wearing a smug smile as she looked down on the little unicorn in front of us. “Well then it looks like it was a good thing Twilight spelled those parasprites to eat wood instead of food, isn’t it?”
At Cadance’s little comment, Twilight looked back up to her former babysitter with wide eyes.
“Funny how things have a way of working out like that,” Celestia said with a smile that was all too knowing for my taste. Then, it suddenly crumbled before she looked down at the unicorn. “Um, while the food stores in town might have taken a hit, Applejack’s orchard was untouched by the attack, wasn’t it Twilight? I’m afraid I boarded the train before you cast your spell.”
Twilight blinked. “No, the parasprites were spelled before they got to her, but Applejack’s house and barn might be…” All of a sudden, she stopped talking and looked up at Celestia agape. “Wait…YOU MEAN YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME?!”
The scandalized shout didn’t seem to phase Celestia in the least. “Well of course I did,” she said calmly. “Do you think I don’t check up on you Twilight? That I don’t watch over you and all of your friends when I think you might be in danger, like the time I sent you to deal with that dragon? What type of an irresponsible pony do you take me for?”
As Twilight simply stood there with her mouth still hanging open, I looked over to Tia. “In that case, I think me and Luna should head over to Applejack’s place and help them rebuild,” I told her. The farm pony had been wanting to show off her orchard anyway, and it would give her a chance.
“But then…w-why didn’t you come and help?” Twilight asked in confusion.
Celestia looked down at her student. “Because I had faith in you and your friends to solve such problems and learn from them,” she said as if were obvious before looking up to me. “Very well. If the town’s food supply is low, I’ll join you later to help the Apple Family with a premature harvest so everypony has enough to eat tonight.”
“W-What?” Twilight stuttered as I could hear the sound of her world shattering at Celestia’s declaration of her intentions to perform menial labor. From the looks on everypony else’s faces that had been picked up from the ground, they were…equally surprised. “You’re going to use your magic to...harvest apples?”
The question made Tia laugh in a way that the sound coming out of her mouth was more akin to music than words. “Oh of course not Twilight!” she said, making the unicorn simmer down. At least until she spoke again. “I’m going to buck them down.”
Then the princess proceeded to display a trio of lightning fast kicks with one of her hind legs that a Chinese street fighter would have been envious of. “It’s been a while since I participated in a harvest with my own hooves. I think it will be fun. I was quite the green hoof back in the day you know.”
And once again, Twilight’s jaw was on the floor.
Luna snorted. “Oh please Sister. Twas I that had the rapport with nature,” she comment. “Thy skills were merely…passable.”
Even Cadance started to give us disbelieving looks at that.
“Heh,” she said before putting on a little smile. “It’s too bad you don’t have full command of your body sister. I would have loved to see you back up those words.”
“HA!” Luna laughed while my own nervousness started to build. “I could beat you with the use of only one hoof. Which it seems to still be within my purview.”
Beside us, Cadance finally spoke up. “Wait a minute. You two were…farm ponies?” she asked like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. Which, in her defense, it kind of was. You don't really imagine the beings that raise the sun and moon wearing droopy drawers and straw hats.
Celestia looked over to the smaller alicorn, and Luna made us do the same a fraction of a second later. “Well, we weren’t always princesses you know,” the white alicorn said before the black one added, “And nopony else was going to grow food for us.”
So, with Twilight’s view of the princesses shattered I looked back over to Celestia and resumed control of Luna’s mouth. “Well, I’d better head on over to Applejack’s farm and help her with the reconstruction.”
“Very well, I’ll remain here,” Celestia replied before she looked over to the other winged pony, her expression once again serious. “Cadance, take Shining Armor and the rest of the guard to help you survey the houses of Ponyville. If one is in danger of collapsing before we can begin the repairs, have it evacuated and cleared out of valuables by the guards while you or Captain Armor holds the house together.”
Then Luna ordered us to turn and address the crowd. “Citizens of Ponyville! Return to thy homes and take stock of all grains and fruits therein. However, if thou dost fear the roof shall come down, wait for my sister or a guard to assist thee! Fear not, for before the sun rises on the morrow, you all have my personal assurances that this fair hamlet shall be restored!”
And so, a mighty cheer went up from the ponies of Ponyville as we departed, with several of them offering the Dark Alicorn of Nightmares and Terror their thanks for promising to clean up the mess the student of that other princess whose name escapes me at the moment. Even if it did turn out to be better in the long run since food took time to grow and the buildings in Ponyville were apparently a snap to fix.
“So, wait a second,” I asked Luna as we got out of hearing range of the towns ponies. “You and Tia were earth ponies before you got your horn and wings?”
For some reason, Luna made us frown before replying inside her head. What? No, of course not. We were born alicorns.
“But-But you said-”
“Ugh,” Luna spoke, probably just to shut me up. “Just because we were alicorns didn’t mean we were princesses. During our teen years, we did work the land and water our crops like anypony else who wanted to eat without getting involved in that tribal trade. No Nightmare, put such thoughts out of thy mind and back on task. We need to help Applejack rebuild her home. Tis a loss I most sympathize with.”
I let out a sigh at a missed opportunity to learn the secret history of Lulu and Tia. But, Luna was right, I needed to keep focused. So…I set my mind on task…
Racist barn, racist barn one two three four…
Unfortunately, it seemed the parasprites didn’t get into anypony’s pantries. Which meant that there was to be no apple bucking contest between us and Tia. Such a thing would just have to wait until Flim and Flam made an appearance and I needed to help them win that stupid wager.
But it did mean that we were able to have a celebration after all. Although it was more of a potluck thing, with everyone in town cooking something at home and bringing it to a giant party that all of Ponyville attended. All three hundred ponies in town showed up. Tia said she liked it a hell of a lot more than any even she had been to in centuries, and not just because Luna was there with her.
Shining Armor and Cadance got around to officially announcing their engagement to Twilight. She did her excited hop in front of the whole town, and then turned bright red before doing her best to hide behind her friends.
Rarity missed most of the party. She fainted after Cadance asked if they could go over wedding dress designs together in a few weeks, what with the unicorn being a seamstress and all. Or maybe it was the fact that she asked the little marshmallow to make it for her. The pink demigoddess wanted her dress made by a friend so that it had more love in it.
Applejack got to show off her farm to we dark alicorn. I didn’t follow most of what she said, but Luna apparently did. I was kind of impressed how much the goddess knew about commoner work.
Fluttershy…hid from us goddesses for most of the party. Celestia told me and Luna to remind her that the next official visit we had to Ponyville, she needed to bring her pet to help coax the little pegasus out of her shell. I managed not to beat my head against the table at that one.
Pinkie was…Pinkie. She called me the wrong name, ate my food as I ate hers back, and Celestia just laughed when the pink pony landed butt-first on some kind of cream-filled pastry that ended up coating most of Tia’s face and horn in gooey white…stuff while Twilight pleaded with Celestia not to be too harsh on her.
Rainbow Dash did what most bronies would have expected. She annoyed the guards, flew around a lot, and pretty much acted like a five-year-old with ADD. The food fight she tried to start towards the end of the meal was quickly brought to an end when Celestia buried her in cake.
Octavia and Vinyl provided the music, although the unicorn was forced to leave the scratches out when the earth pony gave her a glare for making the orchestral record that was playing along with Tavi make a screeching sound.
My girls got to meet with every brony’s favorite lesbian couple, and Lemon Hearts too. I just managed a quick hello to them. Didn’t want to be too intrusive.
I also got to see Derpy again. Played with her kids too. Kind of made me wonder why Dinkie wasn’t a CMC though. But a quick look at all the foals around the town didn’t turn up a Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo, so they probably weren’t…well, I had no idea. And I couldn’t ask Rarity about it, what with her being unconscious and all.
As for me, I did have a little realization when I was talking to Derpy, or at least listen to her brag about her daughters. “Sparkler’s really smart, some ponies even think she’s the best organizer in all of Ponyville! it’s just…hard for a pony with her talents to find much work around here.”
“Really?” I asked before looking over to the mare in question, who sunk a little in her seat. Not out of fear, more like embarrassment. Derpy’s little family adored me. “Say Luna, don’t you think we could use a secretary to help us plan out our day?”
A few seconds later, Luna spoke. “Is that not the task assigned to Twinkleshine?”
“Yeah,” I said in the tone that was more admittance than any actual showing of agreement. “But she does schedules and all the running around assigned to Minuette. With all that we’ve been up to lately, we need a bigger staff. One of them being a pony to concentrate just on working in what we need to do during the day.”
“Thy words ring true Nightmare,” she said. “Our little ponies have been run a bit ragged as of late. Ms Derpy.” I moved my head over to the pegasus. “Would you allow your daughter to be under our employ from noon until sundown? We can offer a voucher for travel to Canterlot if you wish her to keep living here though.”
“Umm…” the mother looked over to her daughter, who was just staring up at us with a slack jaw. “What would she be doing, exactly?” A question I’m sure any mother would ask of a pony who was tasked with the defense of the realm.
Before Luna could say anything, I chimed in. “Nothing dangerous, and she wouldn’t be up all night either. We just need a…part-time assistant. She’d help plan out our day and…maybe run a few errands. You know, be a gopher. Go for this, go for that. She’d be our little ally, as it were.”
“Is such an arrangement, agreeable?” Luna added.
The little unicorn turned to the pegasus. “Mom? C-Can I work for them? It would be great, right? You wouldn’t have to take any more of those side-jobs, a-and…”
Derpy silenced her with an apprehensive look. “Well…as long as you don’t stay out too late.”
“We shall send her home with our own magic at the rise of the moon, Ms Derpy,” Luna assured her.
“In that case, I don’t see why not!” she said before leaning in close. “Just um…make sure she eats a healthy dinner before she comes home Princess. My little Sparkler’s been going to the Hay Burger way too often if you ask me. I mean, just look at her flanks.”
“M-MOM!” the unicorn exclaimed.
Luna made me bow her head and giggled. “We accept your terms Ms Derpy. Your daughter will be well tended to. You have my personal assurances.”
With that done, I turned and headed back to where the guests of honor were seated while talking to myself. “Great, now all we need is somepony that’s smart enough to be a walking dictionary, and we’re set.”
“Pray tell, why is that Nightmare?” Luna asked.
I quickly bullshitted my best response that didn’t involve me just wanting to snatch up another pony I had seen on a television and put her into my group of retainers. “Well…if you really are going to start running Equestria, it’s going to take too long to look up everything we need to and still get any work done.” Plus, an expert at libraries might be useful in helping me find Sunset’s journal.
“We should make inquiries to Minuette and Twinkleshine,” Luna replied. “They might know of such a pony.”