Carmine and Carmine

by PonyManne215

Where's the Bacon?

Anthony screamed in ecstasy as he reveled in what surrounded him. He was in what was definitely heaven. All around him, were large pieces of ham and bacon. They were five times the size of him. The beautiful streams and brooked of bacon flowed smoothly. He could see little ham fish jump in and out of the bacony water.

The sun itself was a large, circular piece of ham, followed by strips of bacon surrounding it, representing the rays of the ham. The clouds were made of turkey bacon. The trees...were trees. Yet they had bacon branches. Everything around Anthony was made of meat.

He ran to and sat upon a throne made of bacon strips. Anya appeared in front of him, handing him a tray of golden bacon strips. “Oh, all of the bacon..” He lunged forward and opened his mouth. Then, he chomped down. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.” He was chewing on the delicious piece of bacon. Not even tasting its flavor.

Then, a terrible taste was felt on his tongue. “Shit, that’s not bacon!” What he tasted wasn’t bacon. It tasted He opened his eyes to see that he was not eating gold, but green? A light green at that. "Like what you taste? I know I'm going to like what I taste." The voice was menacing and was filled with pure evil. It was the voice of crazy unicorn named 'Lyra'.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Anthony woke up on a fit of sweat. The nightmare he had was just too real. "Holy shit, you won't believe the dream I had." "What is it sweetie?" it was the same voice from earlier, but only calmer. He looked down to his chest and saw mint green hair along the head of a far-too-familiar pony.

He was struggling to run. The pony just gripped her forelegs tighter around his body. "What are you doing, babe? That was the best honeymoon in Equestrian history." Anthony raised his hand and pointed at the pony on him. "What the fu-" He stopped when he noticed something shining from his bare hand.

There was a small, shiny object around one of his fingers. He moved his hand closer to his face. With each inch closer, his fear and presumption was becoming more and more true. The object was a ring. A golden, matrimonial ring. He was married to Lyra.


Anthony bolted upright. He awoke from this second nightmare. He looked around and found himself back in the camp. To make sure he wasn't asleep and in another nightmare, he went to his brother. He raised his hand, ready to strike with an awakening force.

"Owww! What the hell, man!?" Benjamin rubbed around his helmet. "Why'd you hit me, bro?" "I had had two nightmares in a row, a dream in a dream or some shit. I needed to make sure I was awake this time so I hit you." Benjamin sighed, waved his hand at Anthony dismissingly, and went back to sleep. "You're supposed to hit yourself, numbskull." Benjamin could be heard snoring again.

"Oh..." He hit himself and found that he was awake for real this time. He looked around for the little pegasus that was now his little sister. He couldn't find her anywhere. His goal was interrupted by his sudden realization of a neck pain. "Damn, must've slept in a bad way." He turned his neck on circles, feeling better with each crack that followed. His head still felt heavy though.

Anthony reached his hand to pull off his helmet when he felt a warm furry body on his head. "Goddamn it." Scootaloo must have somehow moved in her sleep and latch onto his head. She probably thought it was a pillow. He was ready to throw her off but decided not to disturb her gentle slumber.

A loud growl warded off any drowsiness he had left. The pains in his stomach meant only one thing. Anthony was hungry. He went to his little brother to whisper in his ear. "Yo Squirt, I'm gonna head into town for breakfast. Meet me there." His brother didn't budge. "Yeah...sure....whatever." His brother was barely understandable.

Anthony grabbed his gear and went to Ponyville. It took him twenty more minutes than it normally would take because he had a passenger on board. When finally arriving into town, he went to the cafe. As he took his seat, waiting for the waiter to arrive with a menu, he looked at the large clock tower in the middle of town. "Wow, it's only seven." He said aloud.

Stifled giggles broke his train of thought. He turned his head to see a pair of earth ponies staring and giggling at him. From their laughs he could deduce that they were female. One of them was a light yellow or tan with a blue mane and pink streak, and had a tattoo of three pieces of candy. The other was a dark pink or magenta pony with a light fuchsia mane. She had three flowers on her ass, or 'flank' as corrected by Twilight.

Both Carmines forgot to ask about the tattoos. They'd have to do it later today. "Can I help you ladies?" They giggled at the sound of his voice. "Your head.." The blue-maned pony started. "You have one of my students on your head, Mr. Carmine." the other answered. He understood what they meant. A tall, weapon packed, strong creature with a small child on his head. He laughed imagining what he looked like walking down the street.

"Yeah, she slept with me. She won't let go of my head so I decided to just leave her there." He stated matter-of-factly. The two friends started blushing. "Oh my.." Cheerilee said. "What? All she did was sl- Ohhhh." He realized what he said and figured that they took it the wrong way. "No! That's not what I mean. I mean she slept in our camp, nothing bad happened!" They nodded and got up from their seats, trotting over to the hungry Gear. "We'll take her off your hands."

The two ponies tried to move Scootaloo, but she didn't budge. She muttered things under her breath. "" They laughed and smiled at Anthony. "Seems like she found a home after all." "Yeah..haha...I guess she did." The two ponies sat back at their table and resumed their previous conversation.

The waiter finally came to Anthony's table. "What will you be having today, sir?" Anthony looked through the whole menu. Inside, there were many fruits, vegetables, and other assorted vegetarian meals. Finally, he saw what he wanted. "Oh yeah..I'll have the bacon!" "Will you have anything to drink?" "Umm...some orange juice will be awesome."

The waiter left for a moment and came back with Anthony's order. Anthony drank the whole cup of orange juice, and turned to the bacon. He could see the wisps of hot steam leave his food. The ridge of his mouth was drowned in impatient oceans of saliva.

Within the millisecond, the bacon was devoured. Anthony, now content, rubbed his stomach. He awaited the taste to satisfy his tongue. The taste arrived, causing Anthony to retch. "What the fuck is that!?" The waiter was taken back by Anthony's sudden outburst. "Why, sir, that was the bacon you ordered. Made with the best hay in all of Equestria." Anthony did a double take before looking back at the menu. He rushed to where the picture lay and peered at the words.

'Hay Bacon Strips, the finest strips in all of the land.' The only possible description for the scene that followed is chaos. Sounds of screaming, unknown curses from the Seran, and sounds of panic from the waiter, two ponies, and the filly on the human's head filled the early morning of Ponyville.

Scootaloo jumped off of Anthony's head. A fast streak of cyan followed him. Another figure, lavender, threw some coins at the waiter and then ensued the raging human. Soon after, four more figures followed. They reached the edge of town where the farm animals lived. The foreign creature was standing before a pig, laughing angrily.

“I got you now, you tasty looking shits!” He raised his weapon, ready to saw through the body of the pig. “Wait! Stop! What are you doing Anthony!” Twilight shouted with concern and pure confusion. The human didn’t respond. He was prepared to swing down when Applejack bucked him in the legs. Rainbow Dash, at the same time, hit his head. “Gah! What the fuck!” He spun around to the six ponies standing before him. He peered over every single one of them. His angry sight frightened each pony as it passed over them.

“Calm, down, Mr. Carmine..if that’s alright with you.” Fluttershy pleaded in her whimpering voice. “Yes, I think you should calm down. This is rude and as a gentlemen, you should calm yourself.” Rarity interjected. “Calm down!? Oh you don’t tell me to CALM DOWN! I haven’t been able to eat a piece of bacon all GODDAMN day!” Anthony was filled to the toe with pure frustration.

“Ah reckon you did eat yerself a piece back at that there café.” “NO! That was a piece of fucking hay!” Anthony cocked his Lancer, aimed it at the ponies, and shouted. “If you want to get in my way, get ready for a shitstorm.” Anthony got pushed to the floor. Benjamin was on top of him. “Calm down, Ant!” Anthony shoved him off and started shooting at his brother. Benjamin maneuvered and dodged all of the incoming barrage. Benjamin returned fire.

The ponies ran for cover, unsure of what was going on. They had never seen the effects of the weapons firsthand, only learning little snippets of information from the creatures. Benjamin ran around a corner with Anthony a few feet behind. “Where are you, Squirt!?” Suddenly, a loud thump could be heard. The mad creature fell to the floor unconscious.

“Sorry you girls had to see that. My bro is just upset he hasn’t eaten any bacon. He should be good once he wakes up.” Benjamin came in and saved the ponies from what would have probably went down. He butted Anthony in the back of the head with his rifle. “But I don’t understand, Benjamin, he did eat bacon.” Twilight stated with zeal. “Yeah, but he ate ‘hay bacon’. I doubt that’s the same as normal bacon.” “And uhmm…what is normal bacon? If you don’t mind me asking…” Fluttershy was hiding behind her long mane.

“Well, it can be either turkey or pork bacon.” “WHAT!?” All of the ponies picked up on the thing he had just said. “You humans eat meat?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Yeah. We’re omnivores, we can eat both. I guess I forgot to mention that.” All of the ponies looked in disgust at the news that the Benjamin had just revealed. Everypony except Fluttershy. She was used to creatures that ate meat. She just gave them an approving nod before convincing her friends that it was normal.

They understood after half an hour and stood around the unconscious Anthony.


“Dude, my head is killing me.” “Well you shouldn’t have gone crazy. You’re lucky I went easy on you so there was no damage done.” The brothers shook hands, showing that nothing was held between them. Anthony understood that he was out of line. He shouldn’t have overreacted over the food he wanted. Benjamin also understood that they needed meat to live and maintain a healthy diet. They explained to the ponies that they wouldn’t eat a lot of meat, but still needed some.

The ponies tried to deny any efforts to do so, but Fluttershy gave them terrifying glares every time one of them spoke up. Finally, they agreed to the Carmines being allowed two animals a week. They happily went back to town and went to get a real breakfast. “Yo, Any, just promise that you won’t go nuts this time?” “You got it Squirt.” They arrived at the previous café and apologized for the commotion. After taking their seats, an excited Scootaloo came and sat between the two brothers, holding both of their arms.

The six ponies noticed this and decided to prod for answers. “What will all of you have?” The waiter had a pencil and paper with him. “Hay fries, please.” Twilight replied. Anthony and Benjamin looked at each other and nodded. “Yo guys, we got a better idea.” “Yeah, how about using potatoes? They’re much better and healthier.Oh and maybe you could melt some cheese and pour it on top?” Benjamin finished his brother’s train of thought. They all accepted and the waiter went to fix up the special order.

“So Scoots, you’re real friendly with these guys..” Rainbow said with a hint of curiosity. “ offense Fluttershy, but I wasn’t going to sleep over your house. When these guys came though, they seemed so close and cool. I dunno..I guess I just wanted to see what they were like..” Scootaloo trailed off. “I see.. and you two have no problem with this?” Twilight asked inquisitively. “Nope, not at all. She’s like the little sister we never had. Except, she’s a pony and all so yeah..” Anthony answered.

The waiter came up with the potato fries covered in cheese and served the group. Anthony and Benjamin grabbed the ketchup and lightly sprayed it over the food. The ponies seemed hesitant, but tried the new food. Their faces lit up in delight as they grabbed more. Rainbow was the first to say something. “Ohh myy gossshth this isth thooo good!” She said with her mouth full. The others grunted and gobbled up the whole thing. After everyone got their fill, they laid back lazily.

They remained silent for a few minutes before Rarity burped. “Oh embarrassing.” Her face lit up in a rosy red. Everyone laughed at her. “So I was thinking, I never threw you guys a welcome party yet. So I was thinking that we could have one today. Oh it’s going to be so fun! We could have games, and food, and drinks, dancing, and..more fun!” Pinkie spoke without end. The brothers just waited till she was finished before answering.

“Sounds fun, Pinkie.” They looked at her and tilted their heads. Pinkie took this as a smile and smiled back at the two, almost seeing through their helmets. “This is going to be great. And maybe you can tell us stories of your world and what your weird toys do!”

The two brothers looked at each other again and laughed.

“Yeah, we have a shit-ton to tell you guys.”